Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Spade & Kelly Osbourne Split?! + Jack Reacher Fights & SNL UK

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

Welcome to episode #???… who cares! The guys kick things off by debating just how tough they really are—and whether they could survive a fight with THE Jack Reacher. From there, they dive into the origins of Evel Knievel, the sad story of the OnlyFans CEO dying, and the big question: did Spade break up with Kelly Osbourne? Plus, Dana and David react to SNL UK and The Bachelorette controversy, break down a list of cities with the most STDs, and kick off the Busboys press tour. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Come here, you're a little f***. Come on, you want some of this? Who does that to Jack Reacher? Who goes up to him and goes, think you're tough? That goes to right elbow. The kidney is ruption. His knees are shot. The femur is snapped.

They're saying bus boys is a lot like Casablanca just as far as like longevity and how important it is. Between you and Theo, which one's Bougar, Humphrey Bogart, which one's, which one's Inger Burd? Do you see a porn called The Longest? is weir. Weiner made it in the chat. Boom.

So this is episode 941 and you are, have taken a page for me. I've swapped out, but you have a short sleeve black t-shirt on. My last check, I've worn a short-sleeved black t-shirt, 78% of the time. 1,200 episodes. Look at, I got a cool hat too, but I didn't wear it because it was black. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to rough it with my hair. And these people that don't deserve another hat, I'm just going to rough it.

But the black t-shirt is very rare for me. What happened? Well, I do like them, but I always feel like you've cornered that market. So I said I got to fluff it up with green, blue, indigo, violet. Royga-Biv. What's Royga-Biv? Royga-Biv. That is light blue and orange mixed together to make a hazy.

Don't ever ask. What? It's the colors of the rainbow. Usually you have, well, usually you have a Royga-Biv. You have kind of a little golf shirt, and I'm just saying it's cute. I'm not saying it's feminine. That's ridiculous. But it has a little collar, and it has a little puffed out sleeves.

A little puff. Yeah, I mean, it's adorable. This is a man. This is Steve McQueen. This is Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I'm obviously going to change my carburetor. I try to change my alternator on my 70, no, 62. to Volvo when I was starting out.

I had to go to pick apart. You know what that is? Absolutely. That's a place in Arizona where they have all these old trash cars and you give them like five bucks to go in and then you bring your own tools and you go find an alternate and you go and you take it out and then you walk up and put it on the scale like

and then they go, she's worth about 25. And so you can find some good shit. My gas cap was so cool on my old Volvo that everyone kept stealing it. And my stick shift had a knob on it that was chrome and it got stolen within minutes. That's a lovely story. You know what? Let's save that. Fucker.

God dang it. I should have saved that for sweeps. You prick. Wake up, Dana. You can't beat the snoozer. I'm getting your alarm clock. $1.99 on Amazon. Anyway, we'll revisit this.

We don't make the whole episode of this. Oh, yeah, no, no. We had mixed reviews on the YouTube comments. Maybe a bit too much. Here's a character I auditioned for in a movie, but I didn't get it. Because I did different breathing than this. Tell me who it is. Oh, it's Astronaut Bowman in the movie 2001,

trying to get how to open the bathroom door, or the pot-vade door. Darth Vader. Oh, Darth Vader. Here's you having a sandwich. That's a good one. I've downloaded. What I did, I used AI to...

You and your fucking AI. All your sound effects, and I downloaded some machines. So now your sound effects are my sound effects. Did you see what I was doing? I was fake chewing, and that was the noise. You were doing. It was good. It was good match.

Yeah, that's a good. one of your little hooks, which was really funny the first 900 times. No, it was not, it was pretty funny the second 3000. No, but listen, I might, my little noises are going to be replaced by AI and I'm really scared. Everything is to be replaced by AI. I went, I went yesterday, I actually, I keep a diary and I went a minute and a half, not saying the word AI or the phrase AI yes is that oh is that how you say it a lot around the house AI well AI is going to supplant that AI will do your dishes AI robots will be AI driven and

they'll steal Paul they'll find his Volvo David's Volvo and some junk keep they'll redo it and a robot will drive up and then deliver it to poor Paula that's all you heard finally ah ha ha ha ha shit I got to get a good emergency emergency podcast notification that's good emergency breaking news here's one it sounds like sandler why you know has friends doesn't that sound like it's right it's right close it's very close why you know has friends why you know I have friends what about okay wait speaking of tough did you see that this dude that plays jack Reacher who is a freaking yeah monster knocked out his neighbor i'm like who is fighting jack reacher who on god's green earth who gets in front of jack reacher's little motorcycle he's having fun on a cul-de-sac and goes stop it motherfucker i mean

who does that to jack richer who goes up to jack reach and goes whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa who does this to jack richard come here you're a little you know you're a fucker come on you want some of this who He does that to Jack Reacher. Who goes up to him and goes, you think you're tough? Just because you're 6-9? Yeah. You're tough?

Because you play the toughest fucking guy in the world. 6-9-320? You don't want any piece of this. Trust me. You think you're tough? I'll snap your neck. I don't care if you're 7-3-4-0-4. I'll make it so you can't reach for anything, Reacher.

You reach her. I break her. And Tom Cruise played the character of Reacher in a movie. I know. That was a big. discussion. Tom Cruise is always good though because his commitment is harder than any human in acting. He's just he commits. If he wants to be six nine he is and because Jack Reacher I guess it was a comic but he's just some bigger-than-life guy and then

when Tom Cruise did it they had to adjust the dialogue like this huge dude came in here. He must have been five four he was knocking everybody out. He's not five-four. I don't know. Let's at least be honest. I'm just throwing out numbers. I don't know. Yeah. No. He's Tom Cruise, man. I mean, I'm just such a fan because he truly risks his life to entertain me. And so if someone's going to do that, he's like Evil Knievel who took an acting class, you know.

Evil Knievel had no plan. They said that when he came in the booth before Wild World of Sports, he's like, he's got a dart in his mouth and like a, you know, Miller Light. He's like, what are we doing today, man? I'm hung over. Like, you're jumping like 15 buses. He's like, all right, keep the camera on me when I fucking wreck. I know. And what about the branding of the name, Evil Canevo?

That was his ninth choice. And some of the back circus things, he was known as Cruel Ken. And it never took off. Cruel Ken is now going to climb over a Volkswagen bug. And eventually it was Evil Canevo versus the Grand Canyon. Ornery orny. Orney Adams. I know.

He's the only orny I know. The comedian. Evil Knievel was, looked cool. Sort of took a page out of Elvis's big collar. Sort of. The colonel sued him. Yeah. Oh, did they sue him for that?

I made that up. Oh, it sounds like it could happen. Yeah, but it was that white jumpsuit. He looks so cool. Yeah. Red white and blue. Merica. And then babb-bababab.

Yeah, in front of the Caesar's Palace or something with a ramp. He's going to jump 20 school buses. And a lot of times he'd fall and break like nine bones. It's what everyone wanted. I know. He's okay. He'd wave, you know, on this poor. He wiped out so bad at the Sears, and it was a slow motion.

And it was literally like my Zabruder tape. Zeprooter tape. Because he hit, and he's like, ooh. And then he flies up, and then the handlebars twist, and he's like, because he had to land. on like a dime he had a land and then stopped before there's some big you know pillars and cinder blocks yeah they had jim mkay or harr cassel commentating it there he comes zevil caneval going to drum 49 and hower cossell used to he was an emergency room doctor before he was an announcer so when he

went down in slow motion and there goes the clavicle that goes to right elbow the kidney is ruptured his knees is shot femur is snapped. Ankle-twisted, ego bruised. I don't know if people know from our generation. Our Cozell Sports announcer was the greatest because he would burst forward. And down goes Frasia. Yeah.

Down-goast Frasia. And then he was incredibly sophisticated. The panaceifications of the end of the flophils be the champ. You know, the champ. They do know because our average age of our. viewers is 100, which helps. I found out yesterday I was reading, I asked AI and they said 99.2% listened to this podcast. And we're out here dancing with our donuts. We have a very wide-ranging fan base. Let me tell you one other story. It's a growing fan base. I saw on Instagram,

everyone tagged me, of course. And no offense to this dude. I don't want people to say I look like people and it's never like you know tom cruise it's always like hey you look like this guy that's you know a junkie down at the junkyard so this guy and i hate to say i kind of agree with this one oh wait a junkie at the junkyard was that a set like okay that should be a show junkie at the junkyard i'm the junkie at the junkyard smigle writes a song so here's a picture if they have it. Kelly Osborne breaks up with her fiance. I couldn't care less about that story. All I could have my

eyes on was the guy that looks like me as a fucking magician. Do you have that in there? If not, we'll find it. Oh, I'll wait. I had a weird photo thing too. Actually, just Google it. Kelly Osborne break up

with Spade looking dude of the flat top. The guy who started only fans passed away and then and Daily Mail, there's a big picture of us together. No, with you? Yeah, with me and him. Look it up.

Look at this fucking spade guy. Wait, me. That. Are people saying that? Yeah. They're saying that. People send it to me. Well, it's the mullet.

What do you think, Heather? A little bit. The crickets agree. Listen. Also, they're saying you look exactly like Kelly Osmer. Now, that's the part that... Oh, I don't have a dress like that. That's the tell.

She's got your exact skinny shoulders. They're getting a little more built up lately. I'll just put newsflash. All right, forget this story. Let's talk about Dana and the only fans guy. Can we get that picture? Is that true? It was in Daily Mail.

The gentleman who passed away, I don't remember meeting him, but he started the gentleman from Kentucky. And here's the gentleman from only fans, and here come the women who make money on only fans. I know. They were all giving their sad quotes, like, without this, I couldn't be naked. You got jealous of my stripes last week, remember you?

Look. Vaguely familiar to last week's show. Somebody did the wash this week. Look, don't be mad of my boxy gap long sleeve t-shirt with sleeve elements. You look like Doc Ock when you stick your arms out like that. Whoops, sorry. Not only tigers get out of the cages.

Whoops. So run away. You don't look like Jack Reacher. You should fight Jack Reacher. Hey. Keep it down, Pipsqueak. I do understand the guy was trying to tell him, don't rev the motorcycles in the neighborhood,

but you just don't say it to him. Well, there was no charges. They just sort of showed. hands they're still neighbors and i think the guy kind of i took a punch of jack richard yeah i think it's a flex at every poker game you know tell us that story you about how you took on that jack reacher guy who by the way does have an actual name we should say and we should have him on on this show let's i want to hear how he knocked that dude out because the guy's like oh you're the guy took the punch in one second went down in a millisecond why i just it looks scary

yeah i think they didn't press charges because it was It was just out of embarrassment too. Oh, yeah, did you keep up with, SNL has a UK show? Yeah. I just watched the monologue. Our friend of the show, Tina Faye. Tina Faye.

From America. I saw some sketches. I thought they were good. I don't know. Oh, you saw sketches? Okay, good. Yeah, there was clips, yeah. We didn't really talk about this when it came out,

but when it was announced, but I was thinking, it is interesting S&L over there, and they can swear, that was one new thing. Yes, I just said, they can swear, Tina F-Bah dropped an F-bomb up front. It's funny to hear Tina say it. I know, because I don't see her using that in real life much. She doesn't, she's not a, she doesn't have,

Tina does not have a potty mouth. That's enough. Oh, here she is. Oh, here she is. Oh, she's with the cast, too. It's funny. this could be Metallica. You know, there's a cast where,

since I'm not from, I don't know one person. It's just random. It's just like, I guess, no, it's so random until you start to get to know them. But I saw her mono, and it was good, and they had Graham Norton come up. They were smart. They front-loaded it with some,

because everyone knows the ratings go down over the length of the show, so the monologue and the cold open of the scene by the most, then beep, beep, beep, b, b, b, b. After update, there's a big. drop off. But I think they had an update. Did they have, did they have that? Do you know? Yes, they did. You know, I think that you kind of, when you're doing comedy in America and London,

New York, London, you want to be able to work across the pond. So when you go across the pond, you call it the Atlantic Ocean. I call it the pond. You go across the pond, your joke will work across the pond and work in reverse the other way. But what's interesting, it's all over the world. Lauren wants to have an S&L in every country. Bulgaria next. Yeah, Bulgaria. Groznazi, it's Souda da da da, caca.

Bore at will host. Unchfayshin time, it's Gnoym from Berlin. Germany. Yeah. I, I, oh, I might go to Europe this summer. and I'll tell you why later, but I don't really travel a lot. I used to, I like. This is Timothy Chalomey's house.

I recorded us playing ping pong. Oh, I thought that was a drop of water. No, it is a drop of water. It is? Yeah. It's not that. You're right. Here's how some of your stories come across.

That's your Wi-Fi where you live. All right, here is during your act in the audience. sonar here's what you they can't get you off the stage they use this you just stand up don't don't

oh yeah people said it's too loud when you do those oh too loud really oh yeah well this is this weighs like two ounces I know but it packs

an AI punch mhm ha packed to Jack Reacher did you know oh you don't know much about this bacheloret it's kind of played out by this point

but it happened right after our last taping. It's so much to catch you up on. You stay on top of the zeitgeist. You've got your finger on the pulse of Hollywood. You are on Daily Mail, and that's usually where these things pop up. It's a lady, Frankie Paul, Thomas Anderson. Now, Taylor Frankie Paul, three first names of dudes.

No, Taylor's a girl's name. So she was on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, right? Yes. Where their big story was they had some soft swinging. The number one show in the world by some metrics is the off the res Mormon wives going at it. Well, it's huge. Globally. My, the girl that goes on the road with me and opens Elena Hirsch.

Sure, she. She was Mormon until she was, I think, 30. She's probably 33 now. Anyway, she has great stories, and I said, do more than your act, because that's what's riveting about that show. The soaking, all these terminology they use. Also, that they soft swing, and they,

soft swing means shenanigans. It means they can swap wives. Don't they have a thing, or is it the Amish, where they let the young people at 18 or 19 go out into a society for two or the Amish go out in society for two years get drunk suck and bup do whatever do everything yeah go crazy for two years and then come back is it the Amish or the Amish or is that the warmish that do Amish that do I think and it I don't know what they can do but I don't

think they let them do all that they can they can get on an iPhone for 10 minutes because they don't have electricity so that's no I think they get to go nutty it sounds like maybe Maybe, well, the Mormon wives, so this woman was like one of the standouts. So because it's in collusion with ABC and all the things, they said, why don't you be the next bachelorette? But it's the first time they had a bachelor's that had kids, I think, because she had two baby daddies and three kids. Huh. So she comes over there. Now these guys come on to fight for her.

and they had a preliminary episode where she met with old bachelorettes they all gave her advice and then the season was starting and an old tape of her fighting with one of her baby daddy's popped up and they yanked the whole bachelor they just yanked it off the air the whole bachelorette and i and i think that's the first time but in the video the real incriminating part was the guy's holding his camera by the way stop fighting with someone they're filming you but he's holding it like this and she's like choking him and then she runs over there and grabs a chair that was the big problem and he said don't throw your daughters over here she throws it anyway so what happens is people say you can't do that when your kid's right there and i think the chair have you ever watched the companion series behind the scenes at the bachelorette no go ahead yeah because you see some of the producers come up between takes okay um could you be a little more angry um you really give it to him you know you're It's not reading. And then the girl's like, I'm just not really mad at him.

I really like him. Yeah, that's good. That's not what we need right now. You got, you got to be mad. And pick up a chair and we're going to have, we're going to try it. Bring in the stunt guy. We're going to, so we're going to throw it so it won't really hit him, but we're going to get a lot of drama. Have you seen those shows?

I have. And also, but, and the chair's made of Lego. It's made of Lego. No one's getting hurt. It's made of sponges. There's a bigger issue with it. I'm sure you know. What's up?

that they immediately pull her show but then there's a lot of like there's so many other big platforms that people are on that have charges of domestic violence and everything but they're still allowed to oh yeah that uh play football do this do that but oh right the domestic violence that's probably they mean the NFL where they don't get right yeah i mean i think they stop the bachelorette for right now they're probably deciding and having these discussions going is it gone for good Because they're like, what do we do? We're going to get in trouble either way. Because there's arguments to say, well, by the way, the tape was some three years ago.

So they're like, well, did they already see that tape? They must have seen it if it's this easy to surface. So what's the takeaway? I don't know. I know. Sometimes it's too hard to tell the whole story. It's just a big story. It's so big.

No. Huh. It's a stupid story that everyone goes out. But something to do to distract themselves from. from real life. That's all life is, basically. Just trying to distract yourself. I watched a documentary with my wife last night.

Ingrid Bergman, the actress, who was in Casablanca and so forth and so on. Okay. Her life story is very interesting. Ingrid Bergman. They're saying Bus Boys is a lot like Casablanca, just as far as like longevity and how important it is.

Between you and Theo, which one's Bougar, Humphrey Bogart, which ones? Which one's Ingrid Bergman? Is there a Spencer Tracy in that movie or no? No. But he was in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with Ingrid. There is?

Yeah. What if I told you I didn't see Casa Blanca? I'd say you're drawing Casablanca's right now. I'm drawing Casablanca. I am. What if I said I didn't see? What's an important movie you didn't see? I didn't see Gone with the Wind.

I mean, we're going way back. Gone with the win is interesting because now on, if you see it on Amazon, I think, if you rent it or whatever, there's like a whole warning. There's a warning that says, these are actors pretending. It's not actual slavery. They have to tell you that much. Yeah. And it goes on and on.

You may be triggered. It's 90 years ago, about 90 years earlier. But anyway, yeah, I think that's a, it depends if you're, filmophile. I mean, you're more of a hit and run. You're like a gomer pile. You know, you're like more of I dream of genie. A hayseed. Yeah, or in the modern era. You're a bachelorette, this and that. But have you seen all the president's men? I'll give you a pop quiz. All the president's men. Love it. Oh, good. Three days of Condor. It's Faye Donaway movie? Maybe. Yeah. I remember in the movie theaters in Arizona and I was like,

I want to see it. I knew I wouldn't understand it. And I didn't. My dad took me one of the three movies in my life. He took me. He was fucking goodbye Mr. Chips. And I love movies and I was like, a guy. I'm out on this one. Yeah.

As a little kid. Yeah. Did you ever see the longest day? I saw the longest yard. Longest day is about D-Day. That's pretty cool. Did you see a porn called The Longest Weiner? Weiner made it in the chat.

Boom. I only saw it. But the sound went out and we had to read subtitles, so it just wasn't as good. What's the longest day? That's not the UFO one. No, that's a black and white movie with every movie star at the time, 1962. And the whole fun of it as a little kid was like the Germans got binoculars, and they're looking out.

When are the allies going to attack? Shosti, and the subtitles are like, they'll never attack today, no big deal. And then he goes like this. And then he goes like this and there's like a billion ships right there. Oh, he went back to it? He went back to it. And all of a sudden they emerged. So that's kind of stuff.

Did you ever see Jason the Argonauts? I asked Tom Hanks this. Yeah, is that the one that would look kind of fake? But they were like, yeah, but it's great. I liked it. Very cool. I saw that on Saturday morning. Now let's go to 2025.

Do you know they're speaking of looking? they're putting 125 speeding cameras in L.A. now. So careful when you come into town, Dana. I know how you like that lead foot. Uh, yeah. You know what? It's kind of one of the perks of being a solid liberty.

The last three times, it's only happened over a period of many years. I'm going to get mad. And the last time I was going up this highway. It's supposed to go. I was probably, you know, I've got a car with a pretty, big engine. You got those pipsqueak cars. And I got I just was leadfooted and I are whoop,

whoop, you know, and I just come around around. And one time I got a guy looked at me and I'm not that recognizable unless I'm dressed as Garst, which I do go to malls sometimes. You have it in the glove compartment. You have the glasses and wig. Yeah. But anyway, he just wanted a pitcher and an autograph. Hell yeah. And I didn't get a ticket. It's it's unfair. He should have ticketed me because I was pretty drunk. But, God. Good God,

God, I'm a edge to him. I like it. Yeah, I've been gotten off and I've also gotten tickets. But I don't like the kind like that because I get, they're trying to, it's an easy money grab,

but it is, it's supposed to make things safer, which I understand. But if they're going like, it should say over like 15 miles an hour over or 20, because that's the dangerous ones. But I think every single person

is going a little over. But they just take it and send it to you, you don't even know, none's the wiser. Yeah, you kind of know if it's, if the speed limits 65, you can go 74 safely. Yeah. And they're not going to town. So if it's 25, you're going 35. I would say in, and I've driven in New York and I've driven everywhere, man. And when you're in West Hollywood, Hollywood area, and you're at these giant intersections, let's say Santa Monica and Las Egana. Yeah. And people hit 70. And, you know, you know, you know, they're coming you're going to make a left and you know now it's orange now it's red if you try to

jump it that those intersections are death traps i'm just saying it sure i got plowed you got you got teabone i got teabone bad at one red light runner when they floor it is that's when it's dangerous you don't floor it through a yellow or a red right just to get through it and then and then you add in uh this guy was just wandering out in the intersection and you're looking he's going to get hit he's going to get hit you know oh it just missed him it's exciting down there you should come to my farm oh no there's a chicken he's going to get hit there's a new term they're not using anymore called i didn't think they still use this geriatric pregnancies that was on the news today oh okay define that for me i that you can you can a woman can have a baby now at 70

or something? I think it's lower than that, and that's why they said, why are we calling, why would anyone ever call pregnancy Jerry? I didn't know if there's even a term. How about, oh, that's lucky. You got pregnant when you were 44 or whatever. Like, that's instead of, are you doing okay with your geriatric? Chiariatric sounds 80. I know. It's interesting how men can can be in their 80s and have babies with women in their 20s. There's something really fun about it and interesting. It's something very jizzy. What's that?

What, Heather? Fun? That was me being sarcastic. You know what you always do? Let me ask you this question. When someone, some guy, older guy has a baby with somebody, you always, I immediately think, how will, will the guy be when the baby's a senior in high school?

Am I the only one who does that? So you had 18. I think everyone does. I think definitely the mom does it. Yeah. So you think of an 83 year old being a new dad, 93. So when the kids, it'll be 98 when the kids in high school. I think Pacino, he just had a kid probably a couple years ago.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe two years ago. Oh, I had a baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, I said, him perfectly. Heck a baby. Oh, what's you're going to do?

Look at this. Look at a kid. I swear to God. I'm going to babysit him once a year. Once a year. He's probably done yet. That's a good. I love Al Pacino.

Can we have him on the podcast? I would love it. I ran into him two weeks ago. I see him sometimes out and about how. I don't know. I saw him at some kind of restaurant once. Yeah. We locked eyes.

Then he looked away. All right, if that's enough about your week, we will talk about the stories in the news, but you might have more weak stuff. Well, we have some news coming up, but it'll really happen in July. One of our horses is going to have a baby. How old's the dad horse?

Too old? Well, it's different in the horse world. They have the stud, and the stud is just in the valley, and the stud has sex with, 200 mares and then the more dopey normal horses just look around and go can i get some of that shit share the wealth yeah so it's kind of like just it's you know we got one one horse named decaprio and he gets all the girls well it would be more like the reacher guy and we got to get his name this is rude i can't just call him the reacher guy

allan something elin riker richer is it rickman that's another actor He's probably coming on, so we've got to get it right. Jack Reacher, who plays him. We're so stupid. We're the lamest, slowest. Or the best and the fastest. No, we're the best. Fucking.

Do you have many? Tom, because Alan, how do you say it? Richson. Oh, boy. R-T-H-F-O-N. Oh, Alan Richson. She's saying, I don't buy it. Oh, I got a feel good.

story. I'll tell you real clear. And then I'll do the stories. This was from this morning. I'm not doing one of your dumb sound effects. I'm doing a real story. I've laid off of it for a while. This dude, I got to say his name. Okay, Lucas Tob, he's a down at a...

This is in L.A. He's a surf teacher, I think. Anyway, feel good story, Dana. On the beach. I'm excited. Yeah. He's on the pier, like watching some students, whatever. Little girl screaming. in a rip tide, the dad's going out together.

The dad can't really handle the riptide. Immediately goes in in his clothes, heavy clothes. Rip tides, you know the store, you're supposed to swim sideways, it's hard to remember that. You can't, yeah, you can't swim in to it. You can't fight it. And you can't try to come in, you'll get too tired. And it'll play out the ocean.

This is one of the reasons, honestly, I don't go in the ocean. When I hear rip tide, couldn't be scarier. So you swim sideways along the shore. sounds easy you're probably getting pulled out quietly and then you get to where you can swim in because the rip tides are it happened to me once yeah l a beach san monica beach you got my brother well we're both in a ripper and we're trying to go in the lifeguard was just like this you know go touch go horizontal go to the right yeah so we did it we survived and it worked that's it worked

yeah yeah so yeah you get kind of tired because you're sort of adrenalized you know Oh, for sure. Rip tied. I used to go body surfing, San Diego, all the idiots from Arizona went out there for two weeks. We'd stay in Lucadia, and they hated us. The locals did. But, you know, we put some money in the economy. We'd stand by the motel and buy shrooms off people.

So we were helping buy some loan boats. And then, but we'd go out there, and I could just body serve without thinking about it and tread water for 45 minutes and surf. I could not do it. Could you float on your back? I got to build it up again. I got to start. I think because my neck,

I could tread water in a pool and then just build the strength up. But if you can float on your back, you can last a long time. I don't think I can float. But anyway, the guy grabbed the daughter. But, you know, people start fighting when they're panicking. So they weren't panicking too bad.

He's like, just don't panic. Because he goes, I was panicking. He goes, I'm in my clothes, the water's freezing. I'm like, this wasn't the plan. Anyway, takes them to the side, not all the way into the side, a little jetty. Look it up, educate yourself. Toward the jetty. And then that's from Tina's monologue on SNL.

They kept saying, educate yourself. So brought them in, everything's fine. Okay. That's the whole story. I love your aquatic tales. That's a good story because it's a feel good, Dan. even though you don't feel good right now, but you should because you should be like, you know what, there's some good out there.

You know, push comes to shove. Give me a flat, kind of temperate mountain lake in Montana, Lake Whitefish, smooth as glass. Right. There's no creatures in there. There's no rip tides. It's you either fish or you can get a wave runner. And if it looks like you're going to wipe out, it's not like a motorcycle.

You just throw yourself off the back. Are you with me on this? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes do you say Calgon, take me away? I said it this morning. When you were in your ice bath? When I took my ice bath because I got some nice compliments.

Do you know what Calgon? Do you remember that commercial? Calgon, yeah. It's like a powder or something. It's some poisonous powder. I'm sure now we probably figure out that you put in your bath. And you take a nice bath and you go, Calgon, take me away. Calgon.

Oh, that's right. Is that my act, which no one knows, and I also use, you're soaking in it, Madge. What's that from? Well, that's a sort of palm olive or... Palm Olive? The dishwashing soap. They put their nails.

Yeah. They put their hands in the dishwashing liquid. I got that right. Did I get that right? Palm olive? Is that it? Yeah, we need more of him. Your words.

I see clips of him. He's in there. I don't have much time. I only have five minutes. Can I just ask a couple things. You get a simple yes or no answer. You were quoted on Twitter. On Twitter.

That you hate people with red hair. Your words. Not mine. You're going to stand by that statement. You stand by? By saying by? Am I reading that right? Am I reading that right?

Now, I did not just fall off. I mean, his colloquial, he's like the new Ros Peril, let's face it. It's right there, big as Texas. Yeah. Or he's like Dr. Field. Someone right stupid on my forehead. That was one of Dr. Phil's. He probably got it from Senator John.

He's not stupid on my forehead. Oh, no. Kennedy says it's right there big as Dallas, not Texas. Dallas. Dallas. It's big as Dallas. Big as Dallas. Now, your state is $19 trillion in debt.

Did I get that right? Now, where do you think this will end up? Do you think you're going to be like the guy got pushed out of the spaceship in 2000? That's outtake. Sorry, can I get a minute and come back to my analogy? Nine trillion. That's 18 zeros, am I right? Listen, that's Dennis Miller's act when he goes, the deficit is, you know, the $17 trillion.

That means there's, there's countries still insisting on lending us money. I'd be a little tighter. Hey, you're already into us for a couple trill. I mean, come on, that's 18 zeros, babe. I mean, how? I'll go to the wall with a pal, but come on. I need to see a fucking fin, something. 40 trillion in debt.

A fin. All right, let's go to stories. We have no time. We have no time now. We wasted so much story. All right. Oh, here's a fun story. Wow, that's awesome.

20 cities with the highest STD rates. Wow. Well, San Francisco is number one. Whoa, who's in San Francisco? What? Dang. Fuck. I got to call it, Doc.

Okay, where is Scottsdale? Let me see. Oh my God, Scottsdale's nowhere near. No, but... Where's L.A.? L.A.'s 10. You'd think New York would be high or something. Or L.A.

St. Louis is two? Hmm. What is happening, Nikki? Let's call Nikki Glazer. She's got 20 minutes on this. I saw Nikki last night at dinner. She's been doing spots now that her movie's done.

I've seen a lot of fun people doing spots. We had a great time. I went on twice this week. And who cares news? Bobby, Bobby Lee, Bill Burr. You know, I didn't see Bobby Lee. I saw Santino. I saw Nicky.

Santino. Whitney, Allie Wong. A lot of fun. Harlan Williams last night. Harley Williams. Yeah. I did the classic. And I forgot that there wasn't an MC in the main room.

So I did my joke, crushed, levitated the room. now I finish I like that phrase and then I turn around and then he's not there I don't know who's there I'm looking for the host I go who brought me up and then I yell back there

and there's a photographer Liz I go is anybody back there she goes yeah they're behind the curtain I go tell him to get out here it's time then I go fuck it I go all right no one's here

I'll do another encore gave myself an encore what I want me to do more well because no one's on stage I can't leave I'm a professional. I didn't like when I would have a middle act when I was coming up in the clubs

and they do pretty well and they're like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't have any more time. They're more. I'm sorry, this fucking hog Dana wants to be in an hour. He'll plate the lash on me, man. He'll kick my ass. Too bad I could fucking keep killing

or you could watch him do okay. I can't hear you. You want what? Maybe after Dana I can come back. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, please be seen it. Did I do a thumbs up?

Yeah. You got a heart earlier. Watch. Shit. You see Dana got a heart. Don't do a heart. Well, why is it? You were doing the binoculars and you got a heart.

God, it doesn't work for mine. There it is. Look, you got it again. Look at that, Heather. Wow. He's so lovable. So lovable. Ooh.

See, Dana? It's like a child now with a colloquium. I can't believe this. this is look what i did i'm sending this out to all the fans all the fans all the fans look what you get fans empty all right how about another story while you do that no i got magic run i like it do you this is actually insane my guess is it won't be insane at all but go ahead okay sorry we're having trouble was that planned Maybe it disappeared.

Oh, okay, here we go. Val. By to glasses because you won't ever need them again. It's insane. But seriously, what the hell? These new eyedrops have actually been in the headlines a lot recently, but the FDA have now approved them. Now, I don't think you understand quite how big this is,

but let me put it into context. Now, please. Now, these eyedrops essentially correct your eyes. Removing the need for glasses in less than 13 minutes. It's a once-a-day eyedrop that you basically put into your eyes. The way they've described this and how it actually work. The eye drop creates a... I actually works by constricting your pupil, almost like when you change the camera lens around.

And from the test they've been doing, it's helped people see things a lot clearer up. Close when the other... So no, the other than increase patient's visibility by over 7% of someone who barely had any sight. It's absolutely insane that it works within 30 minutes. No, not really in 30 minutes. It doesn't work within 30 minutes. It's a heat in turn a lot. It may work for 30 minutes, but it doesn't start working in 30 minutes.

It's insane, but not true, but it is insane. And you can please keep watching. It's absolutely insane. You put these eyedrops in your eyes and you never need glasses again. It's clear. Yeah, I don't know if that's true. If it is, I'll buy some, but. I call bullshit.

It's too big of a story. Okay, we're really fucking calling these people out. All right. Look at my acting. I know. I'm watching flying the wall. now it goes away now it's now it's coming back well we can continue there it is Heather do something next week another scene from the movie Bus Boys do April 20 oh 17th

April 17th that isn't that in Bus Boys that you get attacked by yeah we took that from Tommy Boy just put it in busboys you should call the Tommy Boys Tommy Boyd Tommy boy, bus boy, you're only one word off. Oh, Jimmy Fallon. And Jimmy Fallon is insane. David Spade, it was crazy. The bus boy is amazing. I was gonna go on Jimmy Fallon for Bus Boys,

and then he's frickin' dark. I'm going out to do the premiere of that Keanu movie Outcome. So when I'm out there, that's one week for Bus Boys. I'm like, oh, I'll just go out there and you both. I think I'm gonna do Stern again. I haven't done Stern in years. years. Oh, you're gonna go back to Howie?

Oh, you're gonna be on a screen in Manhattan. He's in his house in Long Island? You know what's funny is that I said, can I do it in LA like me and Dana did once? Yeah. It looks like a studio. I think that's what Kate Hudson did. And they said, no, you gotta be in now. They don't do that.

And I was like, uh, so I go, well, I will be in New York. If I can come the next morning and then fly home. So we worked it out and they go, Howard will be home. I go, I don't, what am I? I'm going to the studio? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? So I'm driving in to the studio mid-time.

Yeah. I think that's cool. Hopefully, Fafo-Flui's there. They do it really well. When we did it on his show, it's like it looks like we're with him. And his, he's on a gigantic screen and the sound is very immediate. I mean, you don't really miss much. I do kind of want to see him.

I haven't seen him. You don't really want to see him. No, but Dana. No, but. I'd like to be in studio. By the way, you can buy tickets. We're adding screens to Bus Boys. We got to call Canada.

Want some screens and we got to call from Scottsdale. Yeah. So you put it out there. It's going to be 50 hundred screens and now movie theater chains or whatever saying, can we have it? Yeah, because the trailer did well and it got by scene by like 15 million people. So they're like, oh, something's going on here. So I asked for some Harkins in Scottsdale.

and so Harkin said, yeah. You had me at 15 million. 15 million have seen the trailer? Well, people watch the trailer, yeah. But the, so anyway, so they go, oh, maybe people, but so we wanted to go the lowest amount of screens, which is like 50. Just for a taster.

With Regal and Cinemark. And they came, that was happening earlier. They said, if you need screens, we're like, I don't know if we're going to even go to theaters. You might just put it out online. Just say, here, just buy it. And play it with that for a while. But it is, you get kind of horny to be in a theater, but it is a gamble because theaters are tough, especially these days.

It's very tough to get people out. And so we're going to be in, we're in about 100 right now. I think it's another 100 are coming. So we're trying to keep it down because I don't want to go like a full wide. It's just too hard. It's just to get people out. We think we think people will come and check out some, but it'll have a little run in the theaters. And then we'll go video on demand.

I think you put it and people just buy it at home on Apple. It just stirs. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it is a big leap now with all this stuff you can watch to get in your car, go to the place. But I think you guys, your super fan base will show up and it'll overperform. It'll be a surprise.

I think it's the idea that we didn't do it the regular way and it's a little more non-PC that people said it seems like 90s movies or 2000s when like, It was back when you kind of do whatever you want. Harder jokes, put it that way. Stuff like that, yeah. Yeah. So we'll see. But that's all I'll say about that until next week.

Then I'll say more, of course. All right, we're running out of time, but let's see one more story. We'll end with a real fucking bang. We need a banger to bring this home. It won't be. I got a good feeling. Wait. Okay, it says something, a thousand-year-old mummy.

Let's see if this. This might be UFO-related. Oh, I know what this is from. He looks like he's not doing well at all. Supposed, yeah, that needs NyQuil. Is that it? I saw a whole thing, you can stop it. I saw a whole thing where they were in a forest somewhere.

Of course, this sounds like a lie, and I'll try to find this clip. In the forest, they were cutting down the trees, and they found little smaller, like, pyramids, you know? Because they were so dense. Tiny pyramids. Yeah. No, so they're like, you know, let's say 50, 100 feet high. But the trees are so big in like some jungle.

They get it down and they get inside and then they see how the hieroglyphics and there's spaceships and arrows and things. Fantastic. And you always go, what is going on if these are from thousands of years ago? And they found that thing. Well, the main thing, if somehow you fall on a glacier or in the jungle and you're like, okay, I'm not going to be found. I'm probably going to be mummified. Just try to really close your mouth. Just whatever you do.

That guy looks so stupid. Even if he's an alien, he looked dumb. He dislocated his job. Ready? One, two, three, go to sleep. Yeah, I know. Well, if you think you're going to be mummified, you're like, okay, fuck it,

I'm going to be a mummy. Just have a little impish kind of Mona Lisa grin, just as you're becoming mummy. No, if they say, okay, stay in here. Unfortunately, you'll be mummified, but then people will see you later. I go, okay.

And I go, ready, close it. And I go, I try to look more cute. Right as you're about to go mumified, you're just right. You just kind of put your hands up like this and go. You knew Fonzie would. So they find you and it's kind of positive as opposed to, I don't want to see that. By the way, I'll end you with this while we're on conspiracy theories.

That there was some chatter that the unfortunate incident with the plane that hit the fire truck. and smashed up the plane, which first of all, in my eyes, if I had to guess, I would think the fire truck is here and the plane's up here, and it would hit the wheels and stuff. But it was like a head-on. Too much speed, too much energy.

Smash the plane, it peeled back. Anyway, now people are saying, what happened on 9-11? Because the planes look like they went through the building. None of the debris fell. This shows even a fire truck. It smashes everything back. Hmm? Anything there or nothing?

Well, they were going a lot faster. I know that. They were going a lot faster. Yeah. 150 miles an hour. They're probably going 500 miles an hour. But probably those were fake planes. I think I'm convinced now that was...

I saw the one where they say their holograms and I can't quite get my head around like, how can we all see it then? How can we all see it? Not just video. You see. Everyone on the ground saw planes coming. Can that be a hologram?

If they can, they're way advanced. That's way ahead of mind. I can't get that. But they do go like this and they show up poking out the other side, the nose, and you're like, so the plane went through and the nose was unbroken. They call it the Pinocchio effect. Look it up. But again, I have to say, I'm not an expert on this.

I have to keep saying that. Well, you sound like one. I'll be honest. Anyone thinks I know what I'm talking. I'll be, I mean, you, you, you, um, weren't you a physics? I go to the university of TikTok. Did you get a degree in electrical engineering, I thought? I got a degree in stupidity.

No, I didn't graduate. Shocker. Shocker. Guess who else didn't graduate? Albert Einstein. I'm not sure. Bill Gates. Elon Musk.

The Russian guys who started Google. They all, they're there, sophomores. in college at Harvard and going, this fucking dunce doesn't know anything. I'm out of him. I'm going to go invent something. Did Eric Schmidt, is that the guy that co-founded Google? Yep.

Well, they brought him in, you know, to kind of help them with old-fashioned management type stuff. Because I ran into him the other night. I was eating next to him when I chatted him up. He was a nice guy. I ran into him a few times. He feels like he's smarter than. I never say this.

He felt 1% smarter than me. Well, admit that time means everything if you're in the world no everyone's smarter in the world of the 90s early knots whatever in that world that digital world that was emerging you know there was sun microsystems and Cisco and all these companies and I did corporate dates for them if I'd said don't give me a check just give me shares like with Apple see I said to you I remember in 98 we were Just after SNL, I said, buy Apple, buy Amazon, and then just hold it. Don't sell.

And you said, nice try, nice try, dude. I'm going to buy Toys R Us stock. I said, I'm going to buy, I can't think of something that went out of business. I'm going to buy Blockbuster. Oh, look at rain. What is? Look at this. Maybe we end on that.

That was special. Well, I don't know why. It's interstitial. I do the exact same thing. I don't get it again. What a big budget we have. For you listeners, it's pretty amazing. We are tearing it up here with the tricks.

We did it again. Episode 6,481. Yep. And I think by the time this airs, I'll be coming to Nashville, Pittsburgh, Charlotte. Get out there, Charlotte. Last time was there, Christian McCaffrey came. That was my excitement.

and that was when he was on the Panthers. You should do that for every story. I tell it's over there all boring. No, my, it's just a joke, but I can't get it to stop, and I'm not kidding. Jesus, I'm trying to read my dates. Sorry, I'll assume again. It's Charlotte. You're like, it's Charlotte.

San Antonio. Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. Yes. And that's it. Oh, Pittsburgh and Nashville. The, uh, the, uh, Ruffalo.

Oh, the rhyman. I played that. I love the rhyme. That's kind of a classic. Oh, yeah, the old, famous theater. Have you got new material from the special? I mean, you got new stuff, right? Pretty much new. That'll be, that's the day Bus Boy is open, so maybe we'll go run around, find a theater.

Well, you got my ticket. Paul and I are both going to buy a ticket. I can't wait to you and Paul see it. And then you have a discussion of like, what do we say? I just have one question. Just think of one joke that was funny. We could repeat and say like, just that. We'll just say that.

Yeah. We'll just be like so, uh, so you had fun doing it, right? And look like fun. Look like fun, you know. You guys were really out there. Yeah. You're taking swings. You did what you wanted to do.

Exactly. Yeah. Thank you. You know, these compliments. Yeah. I like that and I take him his comments oh that's nice thank you well look it's hard to make a movie it's really hard here's the first review this worthless juvenile offensive piece of shit every viewer's like typing out the review now and go well maybe i'll see it maybe it won't but

this is a good one well i mean they say a reviewer now it's kind of fancy but first of all they in the oldie times they call them critics so hey critic why are you writing such critical stuff check my name out dude but the other thing is is that instagram facebook all the worldwide web decides about everyone does critics don't mean dick people that want to see it'll see it um all right it's nice seeing you day and i'm going to have some gum now okay um i'm gonna have lunch but stay on the line in the line. That's where we fade out. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are,

be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman,

Maddie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor,

Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answer on the show. you can email us at fly on the wall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y-I-I-com.