Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Squirt Off, Putin, and an Indian Wedding

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

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How would it, so they either face each other and do that until one quits, because their eyes are burning or something, or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump. What do you think? This is, this is how we start with. Okay, we're going to start now, Dana. This is starting and it's officially started. Have we started? Yeah.

And we're looking at my haircut and there's a lot of, the phones are lighting up already. Like what is going on? Well, in a word, you got height. You got height. You got cone and hair. That's a big swoop. I think it looks good though Yeah, I think it's a Real Coney Island because look at it straight up. It's like a dog licked my face

Right and I was trying to differentiate because they go you and Dana look the same By the way, you're not supposed to say that to two white guys. That's racism. It's a little R word. It's questionable. So basically I have this Coney Island thing because I got a haircut and I said, you know, I got these wings in the side, which I don't mind, but it looked a little bit like,

you know, that little elf that is in those movies, a cartoon elf, which will pull later and put up. But then I said, well, Dana, where is two guys that have blown here? Like, it's okay, everybody. And so, but every other comment is like, I did, you guys know, you look, I don't care. No, get a new comment. Okay. Other than that. Well, I guess it's like a sport. Like, hey, you wanna go look at some online podcasts and see if the hosts look alike? Yeah, let's do it. And I guess we're number one with a bullet.

They look a lot alike. By the way, there's some other ones. We love our fans. Yeah, I like my fans. I like my hair. And it's really getting some height today. I don't think it's the happy elf. Yeah. Heather's trying to show me elves. And I'm like, no, it's really getting some height today. I don't think it's the happy elf. Heather's trying to show me elves and I'm like,

no, it's a famous one. Someone will send it. The kind of products you're using, but we should endorse them. Shellac. We should get a deal. Gorilla glue. So let me take up my weekend and just quickly

and then we'll get to the more boring stuff. Okay, I wanna hear it. Cause usually you have very asymmetrical things happen, things that are a little different. Okay, here we go. Yeah, so it's a little skewed. A little skewed.

I have a cup of coffee and watch a movie of the week and you're out in the world getting your ass kicked or whatever. Dana's watching a rerun of McMillan and Wife. That's a good one. McMillan and Wife is just enough that you would, for kids out there about references, David's great at them.

Dennis Miller's the king. He'd be McMillan and Wife, you know? Throw in a dragnet here and there. Jill St. John. Top it off with, oh, I can't think of any. That's why I'm not Dennis. So I did the road I told you I guided Santa Rosa San Diego in Palm Springs last week and Yes, next week is Virginia Richmond Charlotte and Tyson's so I

Go to these Santa Rosa was was a blast and it was pouring right now The only highlights are I take some puddle jumper out there, you know dealt. I don't blast and it was pouring right now. The only highlights are, I take some puddle jumper out there, you know, Delta, I don't know what it was. But you get off and the person in front of me is holding an umbrella. I'm like, why would you bring an umbrella on a plane? And they're like, good dish,

because we get off and we're on the runway. So it's one of those where you get off and walk in the runway. Mm. And they have a canopy for about four feet. And then you're just, hey, the fucking airport's that way, guy. And I'm like walking in the pouring, pissing rain.

Like, it's really very old school. And listen, we have a blessed life, Dana. We always have to throw that in. But we have to bitch about something. Because it was the worst turbulence. The pilot said, one of the worst of my career. Not me, Not me. And so after the flight, when you're getting off for the bye-bye part, yeah, one of the worst

these ever had. Some some husband asked the guy, that was pretty bad, honey, he goes, one of the worst in my career. And I was like, so obviously I'm HR tough and stuff didn't bother me. And now I'm more worried about the rain because, and there's a canopy for about four feet, and then you're on your own. Then it's like, Hey, guy, airport's that way. I'm like, okay, I'm walking, but tough it out. And then, oh, at the show, beautiful theater there. You did your special there, it's beautiful. Squatting monkeys, tell no lies, available now on Amazon. Oh, is that the name of it?

Yeah, okay. After you finish your story, I'll tell you the disaster of that title. Okay, good. There's no real story other than it was fun. And then right before the show, I'm signing, they put posters backstage to sign. And they go, hey, we had to let two people go,

but we're gonna give them a refund. I go, oh, why? What happened? They're drunk. And no, they brought their kid and I go, oh, how old do you have to be to be in here? And they go, well, it was more of a baby. And I'm like, oh, baby.

And they go, yeah, one week old, fucking baby just popped out of the oven. A one week old Dana, what are you doing? They're not gonna get the intricacies of my act. Do they want me to cut the cord? What are we doing? I've had toddlers, you know. I know, I've had kids like, oh, my daughter's 15, do you care? Is there any F-bombs?

I'm like, yes. But it's not like dirty, but I'm like, I get it, I get it. But man, that's pretty young to be a fan of mine. Is it? That'd be my first thing? Um What I mean your demographic is huge. It's a very wide and now we know it goes to one week of it's being darts at one We well before that because it's already a fan already getting tickets to a show Yeah We got David Spades coming. I almost missed it, but I was born and now I get to go.

I don't have to wait for the next year or whatever, but I will go back to that place. It was great. And so now I want to hear your story about that theater because it's a great theater. Well first of all, about flying, I give you kudos. I've been on a couple of tough flights with you and yeah, you don't seem to get too rattled. You believe in a higher power will protect you You did clutch a little figurine or something and you cried gently but

My my control issues are so off the charts that if I'm flying across country and I've got a nervous flyer next to me They sometimes have a little map. You see where your plane is. Then I get on my iPad and I get air turbulence reports. So I'm Sven Gali, the entire flight. I go in five minutes, it's going to be choppy for about 10 minutes. So the whole flight, I'm predicting it. Then one time I noticed I looked at the flight where we were, and we were close to go from LA to New York,

and we were circling over Montreal. I said, we're way north now and there's a huge storm coming in. Okay. So I'm just coaching her. She's in tears with all this turbulence. We're going down the Hudson Valley. There's a huge black cloud on the right. And I said, we're just going to miss it.

And we swapped in. So she gave me a hug and said, who are you? You're almost landing landing on the Hudson. Yeah. I know I found out afterwards, solely after that, he's so traumatized he could only fly in planes that land on the water. So he only flew amphibious planes after that. Oh really? I didn't know that. I made that up. But my special squatting monkeys tell no lies was just from a bit that I did about Scientology.

You know how there you come from a planet and your pthums get in you and stuff like that. What religion would blow them away? What religion would a Scientologist hear about and go, Holy shit, that's whacked. So I made up this religion, we are the cuckoo or the voodoo. And they basically put a harness in a monkey and they put them over a vat of pudding and they lower him down and chant a mantra. And you know, so it came from

that squatting monkeys telling the lies. That's that's their sacred mantra. No, okay, well that would make sense. What's the name of your last Netflix special? Go. I was only quizzing. No, I got a name for a new one, ready? It's called General Soreness,

because that's what I feel every day. Wow, so you're gonna punt on Rackham? Which would be the greatest name? How are we gonna rack him? Fuck off, that was a good one. You have a... By the way, doing what's called the Sully, I don't know if you didn't know this trivia. General Soros.

I can know a guy that's in the pilot union. He said after that he got a lot of pus. And he dropped the Y, which made it seem a little more... I cleaned it up for you. Yeah. Because I'm so dirty. I am dirtier than you, Dan. I have to say on this thing, I do say a couple F-pomps and stuff.

Well, I don't, you know, I'm not, I'll go as blue as possible. I mean, nothing shocks me. I'm the one who did Kirk Douglas and Bert Lancaster as lovers, you know. I mean, I have a way of being blue. Yeah. You know.

I don't hide it as much. I mean, you do so many corporates and we all, I'm mostly known for being on TV. And when people come see me do stand-up, they don't really know I started at stand-up. And after the show, they don't really know or believe that I still do stand-up. They're like, what was that? But I think that when I do a... You're in a good sense.

You're in a good sense. Yeah. I'll be in Charlotte, I'll be in Richmond. So I do it, but I think people know me from just shoot me or rules of engagement or maybe movies and they go, oh, they're almost always PG 13. So when I come out, right, it's not Martin Lawrence. You know what I mean? They're not like, oh, I don't want to shock them.

They go, I dip into it, but it's a goofy way. So who cares? You know, that's what it's about. Well, I'm trying to think what my, if I do a corporate day, where do I stretch it out? I don't know. I mean, the one joke that I do, it's one of those jokes that gets a laugh that I didn't write. I heard a psychologist say it on the radio and I thought, man, that's funny. I'm just gonna slow it down and make a bit out of it. So it was, the bit was, you always tell your kids to be kind to women, you know? Because women, if you really think about women, they like a man who's strong, muscular, big shoulders,

but they also want a man who's sensitive and kind and can understand their needs. But ladies, you can't have that guy because that guy's got a boyfriend. Dana, you probably eat a little better than me to be honest. Oh, I don't know. Have you seen my skin, my eyes, my hair? Is it a healthy look or is it just lighting? Is it good shop or is it lighting? No, you look good.

Good shop is great. He's got, you know, good shop has customizable boxes of high quality meat and seafood delivered right to your door. That's what I'm looking for to the door. Yep. Vacuum sealed, frozen at their peak freshness. So you can stock your food. And nutrient densities. Yeah, that's important.

It's a frozen, flash frozen food can be highly nutrient dense. I said it last time, I'm going to say it again. You know, you can choose David, because you probably think there's not a lot of choices, but you can choose from over 70 high quality cuts. 100% grass-fed ribeyes, USDA prime, fele manon, I know you like that. That's fine. Free range and organic chicken breasts,

pork tenderloin and thick cut bacon, just to name a few. Also, they have your favorite, your favorite, wild caught seafood. They have salmon, you love cod, shrimps. I love shrimps. Good job, sources of meat, sorry, sources of meat and seafood exclusive from American farms and fisheries. Yes. You're supporting local family farms, independent ranchers. Won't cost a fortune. Price per meal, $3.74. No, come on, read the actual.

I'm reading it right. You're a funster. That is inexpensive, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Good job, David, especially prides itself on sourcing meat that comes with no antibiotics or added hormones ever. You know what's funny? They have to say that because a lot of them have that and you don't know it. Chocked full. They're so confident in the quality of their cuts, they offer 100% money back guarantee.

Love Good Shop or get the money back. Go to goodchop.com slash superfly120 and use code superfly120 to get $120 off across your first four boxes. What have you had funny that's happened to you lately, Dana, anything? Yeah. It's funny and cute. Just driving on a little road and there's like 50 cows on the road. And as you approach cows, they just look at you. They don't really know if you're an animal or a person, even though a car went by like three minutes before and the little cows just stand in the middle road. You don't want

to honk and scare the hell out of them. Right. So that was hilarious. I like that. I like that because they just saw a car and they're like, they'd have no memory of that. They just go, what is this? No, what is this thing? Is this a, you know? I don't have time to talk about this because I'm here to talk about what's not funny and that's getting ripped off. I've been ripped off so many times. My mom's trying to buy windows now, they're ripping it off.

I think at Harry's Razors, these guys know what they're doing. They're not overpricing like a lot of these places. You're not getting screwed over with questionable products. These guys came in and said, let's do it better. They saw a need and they fulfilled it. These crummy plastic blades that get dull and they made an incredible product, David. They have a heavy, they have a heavy blade.

This is like my dad used to have any old days. Like it was like steel or whatever it is. It's heavy, it feels like you're actually doing something. It feels like it's good, weighted, looks cool in the bathroom. And I'm trying not to shave as much anymore, but I still gotta, you know, clean it up. And of course my back and the back of my legs.

They also have a lot of other... You have a lot of back hair. I guess Sandler was right. Carby, you got to see it. You got to see it. Sorry, not my best Sandler. Okay. I got deodorant. They have lotion, body wash, hair gel, which look at this hair. It flips out of the size. And also, it's German engineered blades made in their own factory so they stay sharp longer.

Yeah, skin softening body wash, they have a sense like redwood, stone, extra strength, amazing smelling deodorant, you don't want it too strong, that's just five bucks. All these products, highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry, no risk trial. No risk. You don't like it? Send it back? Send it back?

Cancel? Yeah. Anytime. Getting ripped off isn't funny. Switch to Harry's. Get started with the $13 trial set for just $3 at harrys.com slash fly. That's what? That's harrys.com slash fly For a three dollar trial set

Let's try to have a spontaneous conversation where each one of us has a coma and goes silent every three I know he was telling me a joke when he gets a punch on I'm like this Yeah, then he goes David I go are you done I didn't you came back. Here's me frozen responding to your best joke. Okay. Here's me like this frozen. That's what they just, that's what you see for five minutes. Here's me when you do a joke that sounds like mine.

Oh, you put me off? I go like this. Here's me when I freeze right when the wall falls in. Here's me when I freeze right when the wall falls in. Here's me when I can't hear you. Here's a waiter when he's on a podcast but he's frozen. Here's me when I can't see you. Here's the shark when it freezes. That's the name of that new haircut. Call it the shark. The shark.

I got dorsal. Yeah, this is a dark. This is a new haircut called the shark. It's like the shimmy with dancing. Bones are lighting up with this haircut. Let's get to some headlines, Dan. I can't wait to hear what's going on in the world. Let's do it and see if the algorithm gets with us on this.

Yeah, let's get some algos. Frozen gones. Let's get some algos. Frozen cone. Let's get some. Okay, hit us with whatever one, what is talk about it. We haven't seen these, just so you know, we don't know what's going on. Oh, okay. This is what I read.

Someone says, I bet we'll have flying cars in the future. And then this headline is, I spice reportedly in a squirt off with La La. So do you know what squirting is? Yeah, I do, but I've never heard of a squirt off with LaLa. So do you know what squirting is? Yeah, I do, but I've never heard of a squirt off. I feel scared that you do. No, a squirt off is where it was headed. Oh, that's just look of you.

By the way, I didn't tell Heather. I saw Ice Spice, Goddamn Cheesecake Factory the other night. Isn't that funny? So when he talks about squirting, I talk about it in my act. But I guess these two, I don't know if this is a paid review or what, but I'm in. So how would they, so they either face each other and do that until one quits because their eyes are burning or something. But are they, or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump.

What do you think? This is how we start with. Well, I love that we're got we're just going to be PG 13. Now I know why we started with Squirting. I agree. Let's start with the ice. I got the memo. We're going to start with the squirt chunk and then the real story. And then we're going to we got a necrophilia story.

No, I don't... That, I don't... That's right, I don't go there. I don't go there. Okay, we'll go on another story. I like that one though. Mom loses $800,000 disability case after photos emerge of her winning tree throwing competition.

So she filed for disability because she got her on the job, got insurance money, and then she goes, well, I hope no one's looking. I'm going to go throw trees. Like, don't you know in movies they follow you and they don't want to pay the money? She's throwing a small redwood tree, 300 yards. My back hurts. I don't know. I'll be really good at this one. Full tree throwing gloves, professional tree throwing gloves on.

My lower lumbar. So sure. Could I get a government check every week? Thank you. All right. What do you want me to throw? You want me to throw a tree? You want me to throw a tag over this fucking light pole?

I'll throw the audience over themselves. Dude, I can't even decorate a tree. I get sore. Excuse me. I'm from the government. I just saw you throw a tree. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I'm so in my life. In government. And she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and she, and The steak. Are you doing? What? Yeah. Sure.

No, no, I'm my back. My back. No, you're a wonderful government worker. Sure. Just, you know, you missed it by just a little bit. I get I feel they did. Dracked the eye. Yeah. Yeah. I was pulling weeds. I was found as very good at it.

So I don't mean to be didactic or facetious, but it was, you know, it was a flying tree. It's an optical illusion. It was a tree that had a helicopter motif on the top of it. I jumped out of my hands and I mean, gave it no push. I used to do a great Woody Allen. I'm so rusty. I think Woody is tough when we do it, when he's really fast.

He's really out of breath. It's harder. Okay. So there's that one. No, it's your wonderful. Okay. That was funny. Oh, God.

Oh my God. This is, I keep getting sent this over the years. This is Austria. Linz to be specific. Linz. There's a great. It's okay. Uh, and so they have this-

Am I supposed to believe this is real and not photoshopped? No, this is real. This is the funniest part. This is real. This is real. Oh, wow. In Austria. And I kept getting sent this going.

What is this? So some artist, it says at the bottom. And so he does a smart thing because he takes an old picture of me, he puts, it's better to burn out than fade away on the side. And then he puts the quote, Kurt Cobain. So everything's wrong. I'm not Kurt Cobain. Wow.

He got quotes from Neil Young, right? So absolutely. So it just generates a lot of attention because people go, well, that's not, no, that's spain. No. And that quote isn't. And then it just got a lot. But he painted a whole freaking, and what country is this in? Austria? Where is it? What country? Oz here. So that's where

there's people, everybody talks like on that there. Look, is it's a flabby loser, a silly quote by another loser. And the whole thing is a loser fest. This is a sample conversation of someone walking by. You know, they're Austrian. Look at this little baby, look at this baby man. Look at the baby man, and he's holding his fingers up, like two, because I only weigh two pounds.

Yeah, and he's, he poops his diaper twice a day for the two fingers. He's like a little baby girl. How did you poop? Yeah, you poop. What did you do in your diaper, number two? I would like to tie his pectoral, his flabby pectoral muscles together so he could put him under a tree and it'd be a loser Christmas.

Oh, I want to explain this one. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, what is this? This is an excruciate worker. Here's the reason why we throw free ice cream parties. I thought this was kind of funny because the reason is, if you take a lot of cruises, I don't think you do, but no. An average of six to eight people die on every cruise and every time they do, they have to throw them in the ice and they have to make room for the body. So they throw a party. So every time they do they have to throw them in the ice and they have to make room for the body So they throw a party so every time someone dies

They throw a party and quietly just freeze it until they land and they can take the body off. Isn't that nuts? Wait, let me get my head around this wait. No wait, wait, you know what you're saying No, it's crazy. So six people died per cruise. Yeah, that's the first shocking thing crazy. So six people die per cruise. Yeah, that's the first shocking thing. They throw this free ice cream party so everyone goes to the ice cream party and then they're moving the cadavers to the dock. No, it's only to make room in ice because they have to throw the body in there. They get ice. Isn't that nice? Sign me up for a Carnival Cruise. I'm going to actually just, just hold on a second. Travel agent? Yeah, Carnival Cruise. Yeah. And I want two tickets to the ice cream party at the end.

Yeah. If there's another ice cream party, everyone goes, isn't that exciting? They're like, not really because you mean someone croaked. You know, right. Because the old timers, the people going all the cruise ships all the time, they go, oh, we got a lot of croakers this time. Never seen this much ice out here. Woo!

What if you were just hung over and you wake up next to a dilly bar and you're like, oh wait, do they think I'm dead? Am I in the ice cream thing? By the way, I will tell you Dana, the side story. My brother- I just like dilly bar, that was a good reference. Dilly bar is funny, right from Dairy Queen. Dilly bar is funny. My brother, oh just like Dilly Bar, that was a good reference. Dilly Bar's funny, right from Dairy Queen. Dilly Bar's funny.

My brother, here's how he breaks news to me. He goes like this, do you remember? Oh, I have to change the name. He goes, you remember from high school, he goes, hey, remember Jill Harris? I was like, oh yeah. He goes, remember her from high school? I go, oh, did you see her?

She's got really pale blue eyes. She's super pretty. He goes, yeah, she high school? I go, oh, did you see her? She's got really pale blue eyes. She's super pretty. He goes, yeah, she croaked. I go, what? He goes, yeah. And I go, Brian, that's how you break it to me. She croaked. You mean she passed away?

Sad story about someone I've known for 30, 20 years. You guys see from the 1940s? Yeah. He goes, yeah, this broad croaked and then he goes this week I don't know if the other friend, you know, it's gonna be around because there's the funeral and all that bullshit And I go Yeah, the funeral Yeah, Alice much. Yeah, he's very callous. He's an iron worker, you know, he's funny

You didn't say funeral he goes it's gonna be a while cuz they got to all the bullshit.'t even say funeral. He goes, it's going to be a while because they got to do all the bullshit. I go, the funeral? He's like, yeah. Well, I like his voice. I like to have a guy. He's like Kurt Russell, my brother. He's super tough. He's cool, but he's very like a little rougher on the edges. Has anyone seen my dilly bar?

All right, go ahead. You learned something new on that one, Danny. You learned something new. I saw the Poseidon adventure. I'm not going to sign up. 10,000 stinky alcoholics on a plane with rogue waves coming. You know, I mean, not my, not my idea of a great time. This is probably what he has done.

You've never done a cruise ship though, right? Because of my friends out there. There's a lot of people out there. I want to be able to get off. I don't want to be, you know, no, I'd be on a little, I'd be on our manager, Gervits, his little sailboat in the Caribbean. Yeah.

You want to come with me? We're going to stop at the Bahamas. Are you? I have a boat just like yours, except mine's expensive. We sink-sanked through the islands. It's really fun. Any better might come. He's fully vetted.

Have you been vetted? I said that last trip. It's my one joke. All right, what do we have here? This is a story about, I don't know if we can play this, but just a story is this woman is cute, she's on Instagram, and a lot of guys obviously like her. So post a couple of thirst traps. And then what happens was the, I don't know if this is good or bad, is I'm going to get your opinion.

She gets mean comments. Okay, play. Ultimate revenge on her haters, but the method has people divided. Roxy Styles has been getting a lot of mean comments, many of which are from women. She doesn't know. She got tired of the hate and decided to get back at them in a very unique way. I am gonna find your husbands today. She was going to become a homewrecker. She did a bit of investigating on the women who are mean to her,

found their husbands on social media, and slid in their DMs to test their loyalty. Oh, I can't see any posts. But you do have your hubby tagged. Many of those men spoke to her in ways their wife probably wouldn't approve of, to say the least. And she then shared screenshots of those conversations with the wife who was making the mean comments originally. Ladies, I don't want you to make me. Woo hoo hoo.

What if you mean to me? Isn't that crazy? No, she's a charmer. I mean, she's a charming, you know. No fashion. It's on the husband It's just the idea that they would collapse in a second because of a 36d to be hey honey You know what are you gonna do bust my boss for what can I do?

She came at me with those twins and I like you know Scream the Crab screen Look even you can't stop the wife gets in on it. I know I'm not even by but I gotta get them to is this the girl No, honey, you God how crazy she shakes her booty and the guy's like, and then she goes, hey, your husband is into me after one text. Hey, are you married? Not really.

Want to hang out sometime? 100%. I would just say FYI, I don't know. It's a low IQ individual that's attracted to a woman who's that obvious. I don't like it. It's like, you know, I like it a little played down. I like but if she's listening to this, you know, God speeder wish you all the best, you know Hey, I wish you the best. Capiche rubber chicken, you know what I mean? Listen to me. You do what you do. I do what I do rubber chicken. Capiche What is rubber chicken? A friend of mine used to say

that all the time. He would just his phrase was you do you do I do what I do rubber chicken, Capiche. And he would add no when he'd eat pasta and he liked it he would add no at the end he'd be eating the pasta he'd go this good pasta no. Oh yeah I've heard that. Yeah this good pasta no. Okay this is one I we can talk over. I. Yeah, it's good pasta, no? Okay, this is one I, we can talk over. I just found it, it's Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz in a commercial for Chanel, both perfect looking humans. It's really well done, but we can talk over it. Okay, there they are.

Well lit. I like him. Yeah. That's a mistake. Yeah, that sounds good. Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz in, we're beautiful. I like him. Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz in We're Beautiful. Yes. Even the waitress is cute. My face is so handsome, birds die.

Yeah, even when he's squint, he's good looking. Yes. Meeting rare for the both of you. Are they at dinner or are they on the beach? It doesn't matter where they are, they're just looking at each other thinking, I'm better looking than you are. What is the ad for, the waitress? Or is it the...

Shad now. The purse? I think she wants that. Let's take a gorgeous hike with our gorgeous faces. I like that big collar he has. I don't hate it. No, I love Brad Pitt, man. Excuse me.

What a... Yes, ma'am. Sorry, do you have have any... Oh it's a punchy ending. Punchy ending. Oh very sexy. Brad Pitt. Based on a movie. I love that. Oh it's a very French kind of noir. I mean Brad Pitt that's a good plan. I like it. But anyway with the ad agencies like okay who are the most best-looking faces on Brad Pitt, that's a good plan. I like it. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. But anyway, with the ad agencies, like, okay, who are the best looking faces on planet Earth? Okay, the computer, the AI set,

Brad Pitt and Panellope Cruz. Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop. We put them in a commercial, we make a black and white, we got da da da da da music, and then we count the money when we sell more chichichelle. So what was it for, the purse that was sitting between them? I think it's Chanel's, this is for Heather.

Was it a perfume? Is it a perfume, Heather? Or is it the purse? Or is it both? Oh, the perfume. But these people branch out, you know, they branch out to ancillary markets, rubber chicken, coupiche.

They might have purses, they might have whatever's. Yeah, I'm telling you, Chanel, first of all, everybody in my life was like, I need a Chanel purse. There's a Chanel the size of the Beverly Center they just made, and it's packed with gills. They start at five grand every, it's ridiculous. I would get that perfume if they could promise me I would look a little more like Brad Pitt or a little more like Penelope Cruz.

I don't care. Would you rather look more like Penelope Cruz or Brad Pitt? You could be a female version of Penelope Cruz. I don't care. Would you rather look more like Penelope Cruz or Brad Pitt? You could be a female version of Penelope Cruz. The thing is, is that women, we can ask Heather to chime in. Like they don't want a perfect face. They want the face to be a little off, you know, cause there's- Take the right place.

So it's a problem for you, cause you have like a perfect face. But, uh, but we'll have to ask Heather and Dorr. Do you want me to show that thing? What is that? A tribute to a film that? Oh, a short film a tribute to the film A Man and a Woman by director Claude Lelloch. But isn't like Harrison Ford, like women love Harrison Ford,

but his nose goes a little crooked. There's like these movie star men that have just a little something slightly off. Yeah, they all, they can be a little beat up, I think. Have to be good looking, but in a beat up way, I think is the way to go. Brad's not really beat up looking, but he, getting old where he just looks cooler and squintier

and whatever he's doing. If he's doing anything, I want in. I don't care, I want to go in. Yeah, well, he's still fit. He's got a great head of hair. And he was incredible in... Once upon a time in Hollywood. Once upon a time.

Oh yeah. What'd that guy say to you? Said, I upon a time in Hollywood. Once upon a time. Oh yeah. What that guy say to you, says I'm a goddamn husband. Don't cry in front of the Mexicans. That's a little scene for you. Love him. All right, oh, I just saw this today. This is dumb.

You remember this World War II photo? You might've been here that day. Of course. Do you remember? Was it crazy? I had been around a long time. I'll tell you that much. I you remember? Was it crazy? I have been around a long time. I'll tell you that much. I remember Nixon Kennedy.

I remember that campaign. Do the math. All right, here we are. An iconic World War II photo show in a non-consensual kiss was almost banned from display. It didn't last long. Oh, it didn't get banned. I thought, when I read it, it was banned, but now it's not.

So they, they, pull up to the kiss. Can we pull it up a little bit? Because this is a famous photo. And the truth is, all these guys got back from the war and all the women, everyone was drunk, they said. And guys were getting off and the women were going crazy and they all kissed each other. They found this couple because 30 years later

and they wound up getting married. And so this whole thing is like a little too crazy, like, oh, you don't believe in, you know, nobody wants someone to just go up and kiss people. I get that. If you can't find a sexual partner in Times Square when it's V-Day, the end of a five-year horrible war, I mean, people are just hooking up. It was the craziest thing. Actually, 32 million people's birthdays are on V-Day 1945. That's how many pregnancies happened that night in New York City alone. I made that up, but it sounded good for a while. They almost called it J-Day, just a day. But you know, also Dana, the almost, they didn't call it

that. We have squirting juice and let's see if we can get a trifecta for a testicle implant. Look at Dane in the background walking on the ice cream cone. He's like five years old. What's going on? Did you, I had bangs, I had bangs until I was 60. I was cute for a good run there and then this happened. Okay, got to add to the one more thing to say about this

and I can't remember. Okay, we'll keep going. Oh, the best joke of the world, forgot it. Ah! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This was a big wedding. I read about this.

Yes. I just think it's funny because some super rich guy, Ivanka Trump Trump Indian billionaire now. What is the point? They're all rich You have to get paid. There's no way you're flying to India To go to a wedding of someone you don't know at all. No What's going on? But wait a minute Rihanna is an incredible singer and dancer. I mean, she's a superstar entertainer. I heard she got six or 6.3 million. So, and maybe they paid for the gas on her jet.

I don't know, but Zuckerberg, what is he going to light up the party? Oh, I want to meet Mark Zuckerberg. What about Rihanna? She's okay, but Zuckerberg, he's the moon. Hey, Zuck. How much did they pay Zuck? By the way, Zuck was caught on video, of course. Everyone's caught on video all day.

Not caught, but he was just talking to the guy. And of course, they have literally nothing to say. And so Zuck goes, hey, that's a sweet watch. And he goes, oh, $1 million. And he goes, ooh, like $1 million is like a drop of one penny. But he's like, whoa. And so they start owing and owing over this watch. He's like, oh, it's a budget.

Well, I don't even know, whatever. It's a budget ringer. It's a budget ringer. And they're like, oh, and they have to be all interested. Oh, you're paying us to be here. So we have to be like, ooh, ah. And then they said, afterward, someone goes, oh, Rihanna didn't give it everything.

She was sort of lazily going through her performance. But you know, in her defense, she's lazy. That's her thing. You see her at the Super Bowl? You're not hiring the Rockettes. You know what I mean? She's not like, I, I, I, I adds to her brand. And it's a corporate date. It's a wedding.

Corporate gay. She's drunk. But I wonder what the billionaire was smoking when they go, okay, Shashi-sho, what do you want for your birthday party? Who do you want to invite? He's back. Pfft. Pfft.

Eww, it's like a... Rihanna. Yeah. Pfft. Mark Zuckerberg. Why not? And oh, fuck it, Ivanka. Well, maybe the guy from Mad Men.

He's just literally like looking through the Daily Mail going, that guy, that guy. Yeah, who turned down the gig? I want John Ham. He's like, you don't even know me. That's right, John Ham. That's like Don Draper and Jump Around My Party. He's like, okay, pay me, I'll do it. That's what Don Draper. That's like Don Draper and jump around my party. He's like, okay, pay me.

I'll do it. She's six million for her. We would have done it for a million each. I did a party for a rich guy. He goes, I'll fly out. It's for my daughter. And you know, it's literally like, hey, is it okay if she like shoves her ice cream cone in your face? I'm like, yeah, put it in the deal.

That's fine. Okay. I did one for a guy whose birthday he was 98, his wife was 60. Their house was like a Scarface mansion in Vegas. It had like literally mermaids in the pool and juggers and a carnival. And he's like this.

And then I went in, Whitney Cummings opened for me. It was the toughest environment ever because they'd see us on YouTube shooting a special. And it was like a, I mean, it was like a I mean it was death it was like and they're like they don't understand it's a pavilion they can't hear me they can barely see me and the weird part of that was that joe rogan was there who I love and that I said can I get up in front so I can hear and see what Whitney's dealing with in the pavilion and I they go yeah but where I but wear a mask so they don't see you.

They don't know who you are. So I'm walking up and I've got this mask on. This is when the pandemic was kind of ending. And Joe looks at me and goes, get that mask off your face. And I try to say, they told me to wear it so people won't see me. You put. But he thought I was paranoid.

This was after the pandemic, but anyway, when then they hire you for the party and you're on a stage like the size of a three by three and you're over in the corner and there's no microphone and they're all drunk and they go, you weren't as good were you? No. That's it, that's all your best stuff.

And you're like, well, no one even heard me. I don't have a microphone. I once played a corporate gig where I was 100 feet from the first nearest person and they had their backs to me at a cocktail party. I'm like, yeah. And this is like I was getting paid a lot of money. I was like, so anyway, and they were just backs, backs 100 feet away talking amongst themselves. Couldn't give a care.

Yeah. Is it my fault? All right. Next one. I just thought, because you're in a basketball, is this, Caitlin Clark, it's a big deal she broke the record, but should it be compared with a men's record? I don't know. Are all the records compared with men and women? I don't know. Well, the best basketball game I saw last year Was the NC2A championship for women. So the way women play basketball now I don't know when you would compare it to they're really athletic. They're very strong and She's just got an amazing talent kind of like a she can drain threes all day, right? Yeah, she's she's kind of like

rain threes all day, right? Yeah, she's kind of like Steph Curry in Drag or something. She has a real gift. So I would count it as the greatest thing ever. She's got tall people checking her, double teaming her. I mean, every team tries to stop her. It's just again, it's teams. Oh, look who was there, stupid Theo. Our buddy Theo went to that game look at him. Hey, man. Hey, you know There's this one time that I had a basketball stuck in my ribs and I had to go to a vet Cuz the only doctor was actually a space man. I Knew I knew I knew a woman in the neighborhood. She like

Accidentally she like she like swallowed a basketball. Everyone thought she was pregnant and her mother took her to the hospital. They just said, she's not having a baby, she's throwing up a basketball. It was like, I don't know. Yeah, I knew a pregnant girl in fifth grade, she went to my school.

Everybody knew it though. Drinking a mid-cafe coffee is a lot like... You know that... Feeling where it's so good you actually want a friend to get one? That feeling of... And getting the last... Where it just hits in all the right ways that you... To get one multiple times a day. Yep, MiCafe just shouts.

Mmm. Order your McCafe on the app or in restaurant today. Mmm. Must be McCafe. At participating McDonald's in Canada, app download and registration required. This episode is brought to you by Tressame. Want silky smooth hair that's still full

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Okay, what's this Jeff Fox worthy? Oh, here's Jeff Fox for the cleaning his house we're We're on to impressions. Okay, this is Mike James' impression. So far, so good. If you've ever used a leaf blower to clean the inside of your house, you might be a redneck. It's horrible. You might be a rabbit. It's horrible. Now, here, if you...

Yeah. No, I like... Okay. I used to do Jeff Fox for the Unesno, so I really should recuse myself from that. Can we hear a little bit of it for just a second. If you, if people see you in run, you could be the AIDS virus. If you have, no, I think I had a bit about that. We had to change it to Ebola.

So it was like, it was like, if you, actually let's skip this whole bit. Okay, I put you on the spot. I was gonna go back to the one about the kissing on D-Day because you said something, remind me of an old Dennis Miller joke where he goes, you know, folks, they're gonna cure AIDS one day. And let me tell you something,

if you don't get laid that day, guys, you better give it up. It ain't getting any easier. Yeah, okay. All right, go ahead. That was from his act, folks. Don't blame me. That was from Dennis's act. Yeah, that's funny one. Okay. Okay, here's another impression. Here we go. I'm gonna guess the impression. Okay. Okay, this is Jeff Bridges. This is Paul Magby. Paul Magby is doing what, Dana? Guess. Jeff Bridges. Here we go. Okay, here we go. Me sir, no like the Naboo. They think they're so smart. They think their brain's so big. Jabba the hot. Be gone with them. But Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks, Binks, Jar Jar Binks.

No, he's more like, he had, I think he was faster, right? Okay, sorry. Who is that? Jabba the Hut. Okay, okay, who's this? Here we go. Steve Kennedy. Okay, here we go.

Okay, doing. Hey guys, Steve here. Today we got a little Clint Eastwood and Droopy Dog. Hypothetical situation, huh? Droopy Dog over there says for $5 he'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland Pony. Anybody know what law has been broken here? Besides cruelty to animals? You know what? You've got some big balls, Kent. Because of that, bud, I'm going to

piss all over your front lawn. Okay. Well, that was good. It was funny. You know, Drupal Dog and Clint Eastwood, a nice mashup. I thought the Clint was, you know, nicely done, recognizable. Yeah. And the Drupal Dog, you could probably go a little harder at it, maybe. How is it? Is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it pretty almost. Well, I don't know what you want to do with me. I'm doopy dog. I haven't seen it in 50 years, so I can't swear about it. I could do a feedlace of cat for you.

Ha ha! Radio! Is that him? No, I was, that was just my Tucker Carlson laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, should we do another impression or Dana? Do you have a one you worked on or not? Um, I could do one. Oh, let's do a couple red red neckies. Okay. All right. Let me read this I'm red red necky the redneck comedian. I met my future wife next to a gas pump. She said you look like a premium type dude I said this dick is diesel baby, come on, get his home.

Okay. Start out good. Little too wordy, we'll work on that one. Yeah, yeah. I'm Red Red Necky. That was Kenneth Bernhardt. Thank you for putting that in. Caught a few words and sent back in.

He's like, don't say my name after you shit on it. Well, it's just a little too many words. I agree. I'm Red Red Necky, the Redneck comedian. My mama came home wearing only one shoe and I said, hey mama, you lost a shoe. And she said, nope, found one. Come on get some.

Oh, okay. So she went out barefoot. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's a bit of a thinker. Yeah, Rob Willoughby from Melbourne, down and down and put a shrimp on that Mabin shrimp on a shrimp on a Bobby baby Bobby baby Here's another one from Natalie. I'm red red Nicky the redneck comedian

I asked mama why she was vacuuming naked and she said because she had finished the sweeping come a gaze on Okay, it was a bit of... She was naked the whole time. Okay, good joke. A bit of a twist, yeah, okay. Okay, last one from Warren. Warren, our business manager. Yeah, I'm Redneckie, the Redneck comedian. I brought a woman back to my place.

She asked if I had protection. I told her I'm covered by all state, coming to get home. Okay. I'm not laughing out loud, but I'm saying they're good. This is, we're used to jokes in comedy, but I say, okay, there's something there. Thanks for sending them in is the main thing.

All right, do you have any, any ones you wanted, do you have any Putin? Do you have anything good for us? This is, I like when Biden, when they put him, he's got, he's had a long day and he gets really tired and And he kind of spaces out and then he itches his nose Okay, so the weird part about me doing Joe Biden. I'm Irish my eyes are close together So I kind of and I'm not that much younger than him. So I look like so I'll do it with him

Tired Joe it, nose and slow motion. Yeah, because that's the thing about the people. And there's some people who said, well they don't, that guy. This is too good. So dumb. What is he looking into the sun after? Well, I just thought the end would look like ET. Where's the mothership? Pick me up.

My work is done here. Slow motion Biden got a lot. I like it. Listen, we laugh. Okay. I've seen him do it. I mean, it's not made up. Now, lately, Putin has been really, really rattling his saber at dyslexia for a moment. And he talks so casually about

launching nukes it's kind of funny I have a lot of nukes I will launch them but I just said my son medical susus your nukes are like little girls they're soft and cuddly I like to hear a real name in there like when you hear Japanese people talking like like neither not tater tots. But she'll look as she do, but she live as she do. My nukes are big and strong and fast. They will destroy you.

They will make you explode. She look as she does. Should I launch perhaps perhaps not I gotta get this more organized it's good if I launch my nukes America will sound like this this. Or bullshittish. That's what? Oh, there's the nukes. Yeah. That's a good closer. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly,

is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Charlie Finein of Brilst Entertainment, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.