Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Dana and David return to argue about how to properly describe each other, what time dinner should actually be, and deliver this week’s hottest takes — from tax tips to fitness advice. Then they pivot to the “serious stuff”: Bill Gates and Deepak Chopra reacting to the Epstein Files, the State of the Union, dating strategies, and the definitive guide to washing your underwear in a hotel coffee maker. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, Ontario, come on down to BetMGM Casino and see what our newest exclusive the Price's Right Fortune Pick has to offer. Don't miss out. Play exciting casino games based on the iconic game show, only at BetMGM. Check out how we've reimagined three of the show's iconic games, like Plinkgo, Cliffhanger, and The Big Wheel into fun casino game features. Don't forget to download the BetmGM Casino app for exclusive access and excitement on the Price's Right Fortune Pick. Pull up a seat and experience the Price is Right Fortune Pick, only available at BedmGM Casino. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1866-531-2,600, to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BenMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. They cut out the part She goes, Am I talking to the turtle?

The consciousness of life And what beauty of love And spake me with a spoon, You b*** But anyway So we just come out As Joe Dirt and Garter And take questions

And take questions as them Yeah, make the crowd happy And of course my Bohemian Rhapsody, Whoops. Oh, boy. How do we get to this? Sorry.

Wayne's world. Oh, my God. How did I forget? Sorry, I apologize. Don't be nervous. We have ads to read, but don't get a, don't be a motor mouth. We've got ads to read later. You know what, Dana was asking some people, I go, if you had one word to describe Dana Carvey, and they were like motor mouth.

I stole your burn and used it against you. One word to describe me probably is what? Or why? One word to describe you is confusing. Yeah, one would describe you is silver entrails by the neck. That's kind of long. Is that me? No, that's because the light hits it. Look, I combed my hair, but I pushed it.

I love that we talk about hair and everyone just can't stand it, but I can't stand not doing it. Well, we could talk about my abs if they want. I mean, whatever they want. I mean, if we have to talk about, does anyone need some laundry done? Because we'll do them. Hey, I have a fitness tip for everybody. Okay, please. When you go to the gym twice a week and then you just sit around in between,

there is something to signaling your muscles. Like I'm just saying to people, if you can do two pushups every hour, Just two. Yeah, so you got... I'm like two total in the week. No, but then you get an hour rest. You do two more. It's a signal to your muscles if you want to go out there and, you know...

My muscles are like this. My muscles are jealous of your muscles. Why can't you be buffed like him? I have no muscle. You know, I look like a bit of a pipsqueak, but I'm more of a fucking puss. How important is just a quick question. Yeah. Because I was in this with someone.

How much do women like, not like, really big muscles on a man? I think Heather's giving a thumbs down. I think what she's going to say, and I'm guessing, is too big a muscles are kind of pointless. And from all the data I've got, and it's too much time at the gym is too egotistical. like work on other parts of your life. Don't just be Jim Rat. There's a word that... Yeah, that's fair.

A word that my wife and I use that were not fit, but we're fit-ish. No, you're both. I've seen Paul in my whole life. She always great shape. Whoops. I know. Listen, Paul is gorgeous.

People need to know. And she's a sweetheart, and you, you... You're a sweetheart. I like when people say beauty and the beast. I'm like, you can't say that. Beauty and the beast. Am I the beast or the beauty? No, you're the beast, but you're not bad,

but when I used to date anyone that was over a three, people would be like, what is it day? How did he land that? I'm like, I'm fun at parties. I'm fun. There's about a two-hour window at night when I'm fun, usually at dinner and then fucking.

Well, you're like me, which is kind of lucky. Hey, want to have dinner? What time? 30. Yeah, they serve. You're the only one in the world that beats me to dinner. I know. I don't get the idea of, I want to give me a big cheese pizza at 10.05 and get in bed and pull the covers up at 1022. Yeah. Come on, count me out. I don't like to go to sleep.

That's Miami. They go, we'll go to dinner at like 11. We'll start. I'm like, literally not one person has a job. They're just all doing bumps and taking Instagram pictures. Okay, I got a few hot takes. Getting right to my week. All right, I got a few too, but I want to hear yours first. Mine are more boring, so I got to go first. Here's usually better. Okay, I will say because I was in the road.

By the time I do this, I'll be going to Casino-Rama in Toronto and also oceans. Is that near Niagara Falls? Casino-Rama, Toronto. Toronto's not done three movies, and Toronto is the most. requested city but the Canada tax thing I hate it does nothing to do with the people Canada's great nothing to the people just the government the government they really put that it's like the reason why we don't shoot movies in America they always go it's tax here if we go they're different when you do stand-up it's tax anyway I get

taxed twice so but I'm still going because I want to go see the Toronto people it's a little on the outskirts Toronto people are nice my my experience being in Toronto. But I would say that Canada just chased me for 15 years. I did a movie there trapped in paradise with Nicholas Cage and John Lovitz. Christmas classic, maybe, but then they call, they would call me at home. Hey, you know, it's some Texas, right? You know, same thing with New York. You know, some Texas. What's that a boot? You're not peeing them. Same thing with New York. New York would call me at home after I moved out of New York. New York and harassed me. So finally in my passive aggressive way, it's like this New York IRS,

and we understand we've got news clippings here. And it seems like you, they saw me on like Letterman. Seems like you live in New York. And I just started going, well, how do I know you are you? Yeah, you're AI. You're just a voice on the phone. How do I know? And they're like never, no one ever said that. Well, what do you mean? So once they realize you got a few beans in your jeans, they come looking for it. When I was in Toronto. You got a few squash. your moshes in your moshes. I mean, just because it rhymes. You can't associate Levi's with beans.

I stole that for my brother, Andy. He says that it's so funny. Heather, turn that one down. I realize I squint on this eye, like Tom Cruise. I don't know why. I don't want to be like that. He kind of has one eye that's always kind of closed. If you notice that?

Pull it up, Jamie. No, that's what Joe Rogers said. Yeah, in your dreams, Jamie. But what about this, Dana? Barbarians is a place we used to go eat because Rob Lolley sells a joke Farley would cut it like a two by two inch piece of steak and then he'd peel the butter pat back

and put that on one piece of steak and then eat the whole thing, every bite. Fantastic. And then he goes, it needs a hat and then you can't argue with that. But then Rachel McAdams was talking about I think the notebook was filming up there and she's like, we used to go to this place

called Barbarians. I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. talked about that we have so much to talk about and use the butter the pat butter and the little thing is a hat i will tell you i went to the notebook premiere oh i told you that's a premier premier horror in the past i didn't i went to see james garner at the party after just to say hell you know good job like i saw jimmy garner the james garner yeah he's my boy yeah damn i was doing a show with him uh oh i love that guy god he was great guy what a stud

They're redoing Rockford files and I'm like, I don't know. With who? I know it's really hard. No, he was amazing. And it's with me and I'm still critical. Hey, hey, you got a lot of trending for your, uh, your Burgess Meredith impression. And I realize the key was to say instead of murder, say moida. He's going to, he always goes, he's going to hoit your point in rock this.

five minute and you guys have that guy was a brilliant movie star he did of mice and men and then his career mic drop though was uh whatever the character's name was i like oh do you play the penguin oh my god yes you're right he played the penguin on the batman series in 1968 thanks for tuning in boomers yeah rock rocky didn't have a good team about him because his team was burgess meredith saying he's gonna wait you appointment it and then his wife going you can't win I'm like god damn i need a better crew they cut the scene where he kind of confesses to his his girlfriend and the coach he goes and my strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face right uh'll be so beat up he'll get tired he'll get punched out because no one ever got hit in their face more than rocky and rocky

one yeah he's like they cut out the part she goes am i talking to the the turtle. Am I talking to Butkus? I know. Well, that's where I got the idea for the turtle guy. I'm asking of his guys. Hell yeah. Ah, because of Butkus. Turtk. Okay, here's a quick story. I was on the road. San Antonio, great crowd. Bat in the theater. So I'm backstage with Bobby and Patrick and, uh, the fucking, I go, I'm about to go on. Is that a bird in here? They go, I think there's a bird in here. it lands it's a full bat

vampire bat oh yeah yeah so i says to the people i says to my says to my says i first of all i go it's gonna fly out during the show and i got to talk i don't want to say anything i don't want to take anything away from my precious act but i get out there and within seconds bat follows me heather and comes swooping on the crowd and i said guys is that a bat and they all go yes they all yell and then they laugh And I go, so you know about bats in here and you're not scared? Because I just got a rabies shot coincidentally this afternoon.

And they said, yeah, they didn't care at all. And I go, we were going to say we should cancel the show. They're like, nobody cares about the bat. Oh, we used to have them. We had them in Montana. What town was this in again? San Antonio. Oh, yeah.

About dust, right? It's early evening, just a thousand bats would go and circle around the lake. Oh, they do that in Austin, too, I've heard. Yeah. There's a cave, but I don't love them. Bats are not cute. If you see them up close, hanging upside down. I'm doing it.

Okay, here's another. That's a good noise, actually. I don't even know what bats sound like. I've never heard them make too much noise, but they do make noise. Kind of gross, looking. They're rats with wings, so two things in a lot. When the weather cools down, Golden Nugget Online Casino turns up the heat. This winter, make any moment golden and put.

play thousands of games like her new slot Wolf It Up and all the fan-favored Hoff and Puff games. Whether you're curled up on the couch or taking five between snow shovels, play winner's hottest collection of slots. From brand new games to the classics you know and love. You can also pull up your favorite table games like blackjack, roulette, and craps, or go for even more excitement with our library of live dealer games. Download the Golden Nugget Online Casino app and you've got everything you need to layer on the fun this winter. In partnership with Golden Nugget Online Casino.

Gambling problem, call ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. 19 and over. Physically President Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggettcasino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Oh, so I'm going through TSA. I ate at the Waterburger, I think in Dallas,

on the way to God, whatever really nails it. If you're white trash, it's fucking... Oh, is that a nationwide chain? I think it's mostly Arizona, Texas. You know what? I think I had one. I was driving to Phoenix for some gig,

and I think I had one outskirts, and it was incredible. I'll co-sign it. It's not a sponsor. We're just saying this. It'll be a sponsor next week. I remember when I was with you and you picked your nose

and you go, what a bugger. I remember, but you saw me, but aren't you going to share? I'll say, I learned how to share in school. I want to give me some of that bug. One time you said, I think I'm hot shit on a silver platter, and I said, no, you're cold buggers on a paper plate. Do you rehearse this stuff with Heather?

Heather goes fourth grade. That's what I used to rifle off in fourth grade. I'd say second grade. She's being generous. Yeah, that is generous. Oh, there, here's my line in Dallas. I say, I see a lot of hot girls out there from Big D. And then they applaud and I go, and a couple rough ones from Mesquite.

Well, anything this is funny. You probably got a big laugh. It sounds mean, but it was... You probably got a big, big laugh. Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about the tour. I go to TSA and we hire a greeter because I've never been in this airport and I kind of whisk you through. There was no whisking.

It was everything that took longer. And then we get some TSA line. I go, this is pretty long. She goes, I don't know. Isn't it supposed to be shorter? She literally knows not one thing. And then we get up to the buckets and she goes, do I got to take off my shoes?

I'm like, we hired you for information. I said, I don't think so. I was nice. I go, it's TSA. So we get up there and they always pull one of my bags out and they rifle through it. And you have to wait. Honestly, it was probably 15 minutes.

We're like. And do they? Do they find it, what you're trying to smuggle on? I go, I know what it is. Yeah. It's always like some food thing I bring that looks like. But they told us how to do it. By the way, can we just get rid of TSA?

It's fine. You know what I mean? We're fine now. The rigmarole we go through to just, listen, if a few planes fall out, no, I'm kidding. If people voted, they said, what are the chances? Anyway, I get there and she goes, this yours, just like I used to talk about my act, full knife, Heather. Full knife. And I'm like, holy shit.

You can't put, what? You had a knife? Yeah, but it wasn't a butter knife. You tried to get through security with a knife with a lethal weapon. I think it's that one we cut boxes with, Heather. Oh, okay. Not your little carrot one, but like a big. Yeah.

And I, I said. Yeah, yeah, just, you know, it's for my toenails. It's necessary. My nail is just in case my arm gets stuck in rock. No, no, you're... Perfectly, you can frisk with the best of them. I mean, you know, I think the x-ray, you know, I noticed that I was slightly wrecked and maybe the excitement set off the alarm, you know. Did it go off because I'm slouching?

Let me know if my posture is off. No, I, you know, I'd like to. frisked in the morning, you know, especially underneath, you know, with an onlookers taking notes. It's a wonderful part of my existence. I'm still, I just saw any. What are you talking? You're a beautiful intelligent woman. No, you're a beautiful intelligent woman. I just saw Hannah, Hannah and her sister. Just rewatched it. Yeah. So he's by the way. Anyway, they let me go, of course. They go, we're going to keep the knife. I go, please. So. I didn't have to go to the clink.

They were just laughing about it. That's so funny, they're just like, yeah, you're fine. I'm frisked and this is no joke. I'm not kidding around here every single time. I don't know what sets off and I get frisked and I'm like this. And then if people recognize me, they're like, dude, what's going on, man? Because you see the TSA guy is like 22, but I see ever seen Wayne's World. Don't talk with a frisk.

Tooth. By the way, to that, I have a couple things, just comments on. I thought it was interesting in the Epstein files, unless you have more of your story. On turn to page 2,800,000. Well, there's things that came out. So I give him credit. Bill Gates said that he did have an affair with two different Russian women. One was a physicist and one was a bridge player.

player but nothing with ebstein island or underage so that kind of you know so because of this pressure mounting of like he's always he's his like yeah bf right yeah buddy system yeah he's like well okay but then when you start to see cracks like that you get all nervous because he's like okay a couple well i just i just can't imagine because bill you know he's he's he's Microsoft so he's obviously incredibly smart guy and he has these Russian women and he's worth a hundred billion you know so he's playing bridge and then she's like hey mr. bill gates I like the way your style is on the bridge table would you like to go upstairs and make lovely love it time after we finish a bridge game he says I don't know I just have one question what's that are you bore at in a wig

I like they go, I like the way you dressed. You work at Best Buy? Yeah. You have nerdy glasses, nerdy clothes, and nerdy demeanor, but you got a hundred billion dollars. So to me, you're super handsome. And Bill's like, well, okay, I'm kind of shy most of the time, but all right, if you want to.

I like those double-plated pleated cackies. I think I did Garth as Bill Gates. Yeah. I feel funny when I used to do. The other one, go ahead. Go ahead. No, the other one that was, I thought, was really big was Deepak Chopra. Oh, yeah.

The guru really had some pretty intense email exchanges with Jeffrey, you know. When you hit a thousand emails, there's some smoke. Yeah, some smoke there. So I thought it, you know, because I don't see Deepak Chopra that way. Normally it's like you talk like this and with consciousness. He has to say that every five. consciousness and of course the spirit of damn and I thought what if he got Tourette's and then the real guy would come out you know be like the consciousness of life

and what beauty of love and spake me with a spoon you bitch but anyway consciousness pussy and I think that we can reach consciousness this time I wear the golden panties but Anyway, you can jump in. I'm trying. Consciousness. You, what's pegging? I am, and life is love in the planets and universe and God and consciousness.

My name is deep doggie do. Okay, I got a laugh out of you. Deep throat jumpbook. So, anyway, you can't write it. You can't think it. Nothing against Deepak. I don't know what he did, but it is, it's a funny thing. as it unfolds.

We're comedians. We have to be. There was a Tourette situation, the BAFTAs, but it's probably too much to get into. Oh, we can't say it. It was an unfortunate situation. Well, this Tourette's person kept saying the N-word, and I think it was some kind of award show,

or I don't know. I think it was the BAFTAs. The BAFTAs. And he offended some people, I guess if you have Tourette's, you just, it comes out. You can't. help it, right? It's just, you don't even know. I don't know. I mean, that's what I've heard.

They had the girl, Bailey, Heather's favorite. She came out and spoke upon it. Involuntary, when they suppress it, it does, it hurts physically. It's hard. It's a hard thing. I mean, yeah. The only weird is that he had a whole Ku Klux Klan outfit on with the hood and everything. He said that's part of Tourette's. Part of Tourette's, he just dresses in that. And he burned a... No, it's just, he must be horrified because, he can't even over-explain it away everyone's just like ah it just yeah was a rough but you can't I mean it is it's just it's uh how did that happen you know what were the steps that took place that this gentleman would be on the stage yelling that word I mean did they have any idea the guy was in

the audience but but I will say oh he's in the audience okay yeah he just yelled out but in his defense of course I'll get this wrong but he was saying I've done three documentaries with, you know, BBC. So they know kind of how I am. And I'm sitting 40 rows back, but they put a microphone near me. Well, okay. And he said, why would you put a microphone near a guy that does, that has outbursts? So he's starting to, he's not, he's sort of spreading the blame around.

He's like, listen, I shouldn't be near microphone. Well, and also he was Touretting for. quite a while, you know. Yeah. He was like, I hate Dutch people. You know, there were a lot of stuff that was, you know. Bupy pants. I don't like Swedish people.

Yeah, I don't know, you know, things just come out very fast. And, uh, but yeah, I don't know. My favorite line of the last 10 minutes was Deepak saying, my name is deep doggie dodo. So it makes no sense. I just ran right over it. No, you laugh. You have to listen back. can we laugh. You laughed hard at. No, it's good. You can get a comedian to laugh because usually

when we're bantering, what happens in a comedian's brain is, it's like ping pong is like, oh, that was funny. And then your brain goes to how do I join in on the party? Yeah, while you're talking, I go, I have to say something stupid. But I do like it. It makes me laugh when I listen to it, or I see a clip and I'm like, that's funny. We both say stupid shit. I just want to, you know, the politics are a really hot oven these days, but a few days ago Trump did his State of the Union. and he went for two hours. Now, we do public, we do our sets. I do an hour I'm burnout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And 70, 80, yeah. By myself, yeah, I won't. I play the guitar and then it just fills 20 minutes. But even Trump by the end got a little slower and he got softer because in the

beginning, we're going to do things in the country and our economy has never been better. and the two hours later, many people are saying, it's like, he loses a little bit of the bubbles. You look at it and you believe it. And if you believe it, you understand it. And we're going very well. He's slowly almost asleep. He's almost asleep.

I'm like, they gave him the light. I'd be giving him the light going, all right, wrap it up. It's just, how much can you say? I mean, is he 80 or 79? I mean, he's up there. His ankles are swollen and it's two hours in. He already did two speeches. He flew in right before it started.

I mean, should we all just? eat flail fish for breakfast or something? I mean, I know. What is the key to just bloviating is a great word. We're going to do a lot of things. And if you look at it, you see it. And believe me, it's going to be great. And we're going to do it a many times.

I have to say, he could say one sentence with what he wants to say. But he really builds it up and dances around it and fattenes it up. And you're like, go, go, go. Never. But that's just the way he is. He's always kind of sideways, too. I think, as he's looking at that prompter, they have glass prompt.

right yeah and he has that you can't see yeah but he likes to take a phrase genius go to center and mix and repeat it like three or four times you know the state of the union the state of the union the state of the union the state of the union if you look at the state of the unit is good it's good it's good it's good and and it's a it's just an eccentric way of speaking Chris Rock used to do that and I would make fun of I say your act is only 30 minutes but you put out an hour special because you go Obama. Then everyone laughs and he goes,

Barack Obama. And they laugh and he goes, President Barack. And then they were waiting for the funny part. That's all he says. There's no punch. Yeah, and he sets it up and then he does a joke. But I go,

you just repeat everything. I know. Well, I'm friends with Barack Obama. He says Chris Rock is his favorite comedian. Michelle and I laugh so hard when he says Barack Obama over and over again when there's no punchline, just my name.

We laugh all the time. It is funny. Right, Michelle? It's better than Barry. White? Oh, Barry is a nickname. Sorrento. Barry Sorrento.

Isn't that his real name? I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. Also, on race, let me just say, at any of these award shows, I saw a clip you the day saying, and this gentleman won, and he's the first black director to win for this document, I wish they would quit saying that because I think everyone, we can't all be equal to you just stop separating like that. Oh, the first in 30 years to have a black actor witness.

If you just say we're all actors, I think, now this is my point of view, that it just makes it more even and not, we're all just the same. We're all acting. When I won my Emmy, whoops, do that. Flashback, they said they announced it. And this is the 198th straight white male that has won this award. And I was like, why? First pipsqueak. I don't want to.

I just, can I be a person? Do I have to be? No, because when I was even doing just shoot me, they go, you have a female director this week? I go, that's fine. Is it a director? Yeah. Okay, we got it. Like, you don't even have to say that.

Female director, it feels like a little, not condescending, but a little diminishing. That's a good word. It's a little 5% instead of going, we don't have. of a regular director you know what i mean so i was a that's funny i remember hearing that that is a funny thing to say we have a female director um what color eyes got blue eyes um and then you're back in okay yeah and has long hair or short hair long hair anything to judge yeah okay and then if as a director we got clenny's wood that's it oh i did get thrown around my car when we were driving on the road in more boring news.

We should have a big crawl around. How do you get thrown around? Well, they were driving like a new escalator something and I was sitting in the way back. And I was not strapped in. And when, and they touched the brakes, but the newer cars that, have you ever seen automatic kind of locking brakes? Yeah, I was like this. You're not used to them.

I went up to the dash, all the way to dash. You went over the front seats and right up against the. Well, they were separate, separate. So I'm going in the middle. and I kind of went, oh, and then, but three different times they were hitting hard. And I'm holding on the back seat. I'm like, you can't just go a normal speed or do something. I always strap in if I can because I go, it's not.

Yeha. Whoop. Shikyu. I'm trying to do you. I can't do. You do the seatbelt with sound effects. No, the seatbelt. I don't have any good ones.

I like when you go tighter. You always do it. And then you go like that. Well, I have air. plain stick and it's never not made the flight attendants laugh right as we're starting to go you can do this loosen it loosen up your seatbelt if you're in the front row which i was loosen your seatbelt to like four feet long and then right as you start taking off you just go like this like as if you're a rodeo you wrap it yeah they go they go crazy yeah she was doing her her seatbelt stick right next to me

and she's looking at me and i'm like this mean it was comedic or just no she's doing her real one and I'm paying attention. I go, I'm looking because no one's looking, not one person is listening. And she goes, this is the horrible doing right in front of you. I'm like, well, you're not doing bits. I always that scene in Tommy Boy where Chris does a whole bit about that. About that doing this?

Yeah, he puts on the. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I had a really nice flight attendant. Sometimes they break the rules because I said, I'm kind of a nervous flyer. So she goes, oh, okay. So we're taking off. We're up like maybe 20.

20 seconds in the air, steep climb out. And I know she kind of sneaks around and just hands me a beer. She gets out of her seat. Oh, I like that. You know what this one is? It reminds me. I like that because they like you. I said to this one, she came back later and it was just quick hop from, I like that term quick hop, from Dallas to San Antonio for the next show.

And she goes, hey, can I get anything? And I go, oh, she goes, we don't have service. So what do you want? I go, maybe just a little thing of water. she comes back and casually drops it like it's a you know like a pass off right and it's a big bottle of water like this oh yeah and then I'm like this nice and then everyone else is looking at me and I'm like this and they're like waiting for water they want that little dixie cup meanwhile I'm like the I'm water logged I can't finish this thing I have too much water I was on an overseas flight

and they they I just got one of those like 45 ounces yeah and I just changed chugged it because I go, okay, I'm in altitude. I've had a few adult beverages because of my nervousness. I'm going to be hydrated and then you have to go the bathroom, the rest of the flight. All right. Let's get to some hot takes. Hot takes. Okay. Hot news. I wish we had beep, beep, beep, boring stories. Not this one. What, boring story? Oh, we didn't know. This is a really boring story. Love is Blind Star, sparks outrage for dumping his fiance because I saw this clip. I don't even know this show at all, but he prefers women. He's delicately trying to say she's out of shape. And it's so horrible because, A, if we have a

picture, if you can look her up, she's really pretty. B, I think she's a doctor. And so he could do a lot worse is an understatement. And she's going, what's going on? He's like, I just, I work out a lot. And she's like, uh-huh. And he's like, I just kind of like a girl that might want to cruise by the gym. Yeah. And he finally, after he dances around, he goes, looking for more of a Pilates by a girl that rocks out Pilates like twice a day. And it was just not going, well, everyone's cringing going, do not finish this. And she's like, uh-huh.

No, keep going. And he was just hanging himself. And then he finally goes, you get it. Right. And she's like, yeah, take it easy. And I was like, oh, I don't even want to see the comments. everyone's going to be like, you have a beautiful doctor and you're worried about one. And I've seen pictures.

She doesn't look like any sort of out of shape anything. Well, what I would, her best comeback would have said, look, okay, I appreciate it, man, but I think you're looking for a dude. You might need a gym rat. Can't women be soft and curvy? I mean, Arnold, that was his thing. If a woman has better abs than me, I kick it out of the bed. Yeah.

I need to date. You should maybe date the situation. Yeah. Remember him? Yeah, of course. Do you remember his, the guy who was also on that show called The Predictament? I remember the conundrum.

Okay. I'll see your conundrum and raise you. I like predicament. No, I did that as a joke on a talk show. That's funny. Because the predicament's kind of foreboding. It's a little bit like, what are we going to do this guy? We're in a bit of a predicament.

Yeah. But most men are not worried about a, you know, a musly woman. you know it's just you know it's a young guy he doesn't really and he's just talking yeah he steps and shit because when you say that and she's just leaning you're going hmm like ladies listen to this bullshit and he's like he should have said just listen you're great and you're hot and why don't you get me some free coding officer use your connection oh Greg she's got it if you want to put it up yeah i'll give you a prescription i like he goes he looks like a doofus and she looks like a doofus and she's gorgeous, yeah.

Hey, honey, write me a prescription for love. Yeah, leave your prescription pad out. I want to write you love notes every day. She's like, I didn't see love notes, but I do see that you have 100 extra Vicodins. He's like, oh, well, one prescription for me and then one love one. All right.

Okay, this is the guy. See, she's pretty already. Yeah. She looks like Demi Laval. And he's like, so anyway, I'm on the ab cruncher, and I'd like to see you on the Gravitron. I mean, maybe I'm, should I keep talking? She's like, yeah, keep talking. There's so many people on the gym now.

I mean, it must be a good business. I don't know. It seems like they're packed with people trying to be strong. I like a girl that knows her way around a kettlebell. That's what he was saying. Yeah, I have no comeback. I'm speechless. All right, next story.

That's good. That was a dumb one, but it's fine. They're all dumb. No, it was great. It's fantastic. I know a lot of people on Raya and Tinder, but this is one that just pops up my feed called it's prison connections. Okay.

Hey, Jackson. I'm currently incarcerated at Pocatello Women's Correctional Center in Idaho. My IDOC is 12909, and you can reach me on the Getting Out app. I'm tall, articulate, tattooed, and a total batty. I'm also into some pretty freaky shit. So if you have a taste for the taboo, taste for the taboo, oh, she's into some weird shit.

Well, yeah, freaky shit. Nope, no. We get that. You had me at a low. You had me. I'm a baddie. And I'm like, no shit you're a baddie. You're doing seven years or something.

What a dandy. She's a real dandy. I mean, you know, someone might want to court her. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you're into sort of. you know the monsters,

vampirey kind of, you know. Yeah, she's a little decorated. A little bit scary kind of thing. Yeah. Because where does it go? Where does the kink go? Well, first of all, to date them, I don't know how I didn't scribble down

all that info, but they're in jail. I guess the first order of business, if you have some sort of love connection. Right. What are you in for? if it's you know right it could be something harmless it could so if you can live with that it's not that bad well now i will court you visit you write your letters until you get out and then you can come stab me okay i have a question for this kind of stuff for you heather and greg why is it

that women seem to love murderers on murders row they fall in love With the murder on murders row. I guess. I mean, they like bad guys that are at trouble. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're not out with other women. They're stuck in jail, so they're not cheating.

They're killers, but they're controllable and they're at your, you know, I brought you some twinkies. Hey, thank you, baby. But the problem is once they get out, now they're free, so they borrow your car and they stay at your house, but then you don't know what they're doing. That's where it starts, they start to have some hiccum. Do they ever get suspicious where they come in with the police report? Like, I love you, Danny, but it says here there's a photo of you stabbing this guy. Oh, that's all. That's Photoshop.

I know. Are they still talking about that? I mean, it's one day. It's crazy. You throw up my best day and my worst day. I hate killing people. Look at me. Come on.

But a jury. If I got that girl in prison, I'd be like, are you taking Pilates in there? because I'm looking for a Pilates fit from the last story I understood I was just trying to come back like ping pong I was just thinking of Mike Tyson his six years in prison

and he was just saying he said I had a great time in prison I had the best time in prison I ate like a king you know he was just all the t-bone steaks would come in for me I have a glass of red wine and everything I mean he had it so wired and he was so beloved

oh they love him I'm sure yeah you know the guards are like Mike what can I get you hey Mike what do you want tonight at deep ball yeah I like a rib-eye steak you know and could I get a VHS TV thing and I want to watch I want to watch no I was gonna for Dickie Robbins you know I was gonna go for one of your movies oh good yeah we can get you that okay champ let's see if we can get you a laser disc or something but I just did cross my mind just to make people very very happy is that we do our because we put we're play it we're playing a few dates so we're coming on yeah

and then we come out at the end and you do because you can get into joe dirt like that and i can get into garth like that so we just come out as joe dirt and garth and take questions and take questions as them yeah make the crowd happy i have no ad-lib skills i've ever right put and cue card well but you use cue cards So it's just, you know, just a thought. It's a possibility. We just did a gig together. I know. And you crushed, as usual.

It was great. You were so funny. Oh, my gosh. All right, next one. Let's see. Let's see. Now we're cooking with gas. We are on fire.

All right. Influencer faces $1 million lawsuit. Oh, I heard about this story. Okay, what is this? Oh, she is giving tips on being in a hotel room. And if you don't have a washer and dryer, you can wash your underpants in the coffee machine. Heather, you've heard this. Talk grader is facing a lawsuit.

The coffee machine? Oh, she's facing a lawsuit now. Tara Woodcox, who describes herself as a health and nutrition blogger, shared a video showing people how to wash underwear using a hotel coffee maker while traveling. In the video, Tara explains if you run out of clean underwear, you can place it inside the coffee filter. compartment, close the lid, and press the brew button. The machine then sprays hot water over the fabric. She suggests drying the underwear with a bathroom hair dryer before wearing it again. A video quickly went viral.

Many of you said this is exactly where they avoid using hotel coffee machines. Days later, several guests realized they had stayed at the same hotel as Tara and had already used the in-room coffee makers. And who makes coffee? Who makes coffee? Who's the next person making? To calm the situation, the hotel reportedly offered refunds to. recent guests and replaced all coffee machines on the property the hotel has now filed a lawsuit against Tara Woodcox seeking about one dollar one one million dollars one million and damages

for financial loss and reputational harm the story has sparked debate the name of the hotel or the hygiene while travel no they should but people are figuring it out would you still use a hotel coffee machine yeah that's huh well i'm so glad she went viral no when i was i was a wild was in Europe with my wife. And it's pretty easy to use the basin of the sink. And you have, you just, there's very hot water there. And you put tie a little package of soap and then you rinse it. And then you hang the underwear or T-shirt or socks over a thing and it dries overnight.

Or maybe a little hair dryer. And then you rinse out the freaking basin. You're not in there seeing all this stuff coming out of from the armpits and out of the crotch area. All you see is clear fresh water when you rinse out and run the water on the fucking basin. Oh, boy. I got a lot out on that one. You did, yeah. I let you go.

I wanted to kind of get some some. So people are sickened by this. People with small lives can get. just crazy about stuff. You know, you got to have a kind of a low-fi existence. Like you go to the supermarket and you're feeling the avocados. Fucking avocados, man. They're all gushy.

Fucking thousand avocados. God damn it. That's me mad all the time. Okay, we'll go to the next one. Underpants and the coffee machine, we all agree as possibly grow. It went viral and then our clip will go viral. Oh, this is that. I'm sure Heather knows about this story.

Punch the baby monkey. his name is punch okay right oh punch I think he's in China I'm not gonna show it but he's been bullied okay has he been bullied or not me punch the six-month-old monkey was abandoned by his oh I thought you're gonna correct it I oh he's abandoned a mother caring for him day and night no he's sad we shouldn't even show it his surrogate mom a plushy orangutan that is now his safe place he hangs out with his little stuffed all so Punch's story went viral with many both on and offline cheering on. Well, now he is slowly joining the truth.

Does he think it's real? No, he gets sad and scared so he hugs his little squishy doll. But he knows it's a fake, but he knows it's enough. It looks enough like an animal, but he knows it's fake. It's his only friend, Dana. Maybe he thinks it's actually real. What is the IQ of a little monkey? What if he thinks it's like weekend at Bernie's and he's just dragging around?

He thinks it's really. What if he thinks, and I don't think this would happen, that he thinks it's David Space. David Spade? What if he thinks that's all we do. What if he thinks it's a Garth dog because his eyes are bad? What if he, I don't know what else. No, but everyone's bullying him. I love it. I mean, look, I mean, you sleep with a special pillow and you do suck your thumb at night. I mean, everyone needs comfort. That's true. I think the world feels bad for him. People online are like, I will fly over to fucking China and I will save this guy.

I'll beat this shit out of everyone of those other monkeys. People get really worried. You know, they get worked up because animals mean a lot. Well, it's like you're around a one and a half year old and no one could take their eyes off the toddler.

You're just staring at the innocence and the lack of awareness. And so the little monkey doesn't know how ridiculous he looks. If you could speak monkey sound, you tell him it looks stupid. And the little monkey would be like, You look...

You look dumb! That's what they chat about there? Well, I'm in Germany. Don't be stupid and drag around that stuffed animal. No, it's not real. You'll be happy to know that that stupid animal sold out immediately online.

Immediately. And is opening for us in October. October, our next big casino. Do we have a gig in next year? Yeah, we have one that's up around the same area. We just played, but further north. Okay.

Yeah. Those are fun gigs. And Lincoln, we had a great time in Lincoln. Great crowd. California, Thunder Valley. Thunder Valley. Incredible audience. Okay, next one, I've got to wake up.

Yeah, I know. It's just this, you know, late afternoon. It's really normally my nap time. Okay, here we go. What is this? Oh, underground noises. Let's see what these are. A farmer in Kentucky decides to dig a huge hole on its property after hearing this loud construction noise coming from deep underneath his farm.

His farm is in the middle of nowhere. All right, guys. Well, interesting. I got a six-foot hole dog here. And we've hit rock, but listen to this. Okay. I'm listening. Ah.

Someone trying to get out? Terrifying. I don't know. No. Is he hitting rock or is he hitting concrete? Is this some type of underground construction? Or is some mob guy that was hit by the aliens live under there. Yeah, or it's just a funny sound effect the guy's making.

It's me and they go. I'm going. That's called doing a panting dog. This video was taken from another section of his property. So it just sounds? What's that noise? This sound has been going on for months now. That would freak me out.

It almost feels like there's some kind of construction going on underneath his farm. Too easy to fake, though, right? I don't know. I mean, to dig at, he dug six feet on it. The farmer says he can feel the ground fiber. Oh, see. There's definitely something going on underneath. I don't like this for you.

We're like AI voiceover. It's kind of scary. At least it doesn't have that scary music. Outside of there's something being built underneath his farm. There's probably a real one. What they don't put in here is the guy put his house up for sale for $89. And he finally got a buyer. Who wants to buy a property?

Yeah, I wouldn't tell me that scary. Do you ever do you have to disclose? Do you ever disclose if you have aliens underneath your house in a secret tunnel? We probably talked about this. Have you heard a noise at night that scared you in your house? Of course.

And what did it sound like? I'm the biggest puss, yeah. I have a locked door and- What did it sound like? Space. I go, nothing. I'm going to bed. If I keep hearing this, I'm coming out.

No, I have go out there. I'll start some fucking shit. I got the same thing. What do you got? You don't need spade. That's what they say? I made it up. Who is it, Gervitz?

I actually talked to our mutual manager, and he loves our impression of him. No way. He said. I love it. Yeah. It's a nice little hop. Yeah, it's hoping you shoot, your heart will fall out. You like money.

He likes money. Who's funny in you? Yeah, I go, I guess Daney just told him the same thing. He's got Zach. He's got so many funny people. I know, it's quite a little cavalcade. Cavalcade of comedians. Yeah.

Oh, another one. Oh, where's that one about Mdami? Is that one? Okay. Mom Dami blasted. for requiring five forms of ID to shovel five what the fuck right well DSA opposes the voter ID yeah yeah I Trump brought that up is that true you I mean he's high he says if you want to shovel snow as a regular citizen because it's not going fast enough come down and we will

you guys bring a shoveler we'll get you well you'll they'll pay it like 29 bucks an hour but you You need five forms of ID. I thought it was two, but yeah. Well, just if it's even one, you know. I think people are saying if you don't need one to vote, why would you need one to shovel snow? Well, you know, you know, I don't know why you'd have to identify who you are as an American citizen to vote.

That sounds a little weird. I mean. Yeah, I don't break my personal space. I saw a three-year-old purchasing a court of vodka. And I said, aren't she going to ID him? And the guy was like, I don't know, man. I mean, you know, does he really need an idea? Comes in every day.

He's my semi friend. And the three out's like, thanks, mister. You know, I got carded at Chili is my last trip. You did? Card dead. I didn't tell you, Heather. Carded. Because I ordered Tito's with my Diet Coke on the side.

And they were like, go, get some body. And I go, well. I don't know if I haven't. And I go, sorry, we just got to get everybody to get their ID. And I go, okay, can I just have? And then I go, Bobby, why don't you get some Titos? And he goes, okay, and he showed his ID. And then I just, the guy just put it down with me.

He goes, sorry, we just got to get ID. I go, I get it. And how old I look? Beop, peop, peop. I know. They say, oh, we have to do this. But there was a guy, I swore he was probably 88. or something they were carding.

I mean, he was like, the, that was me. Tale of the Crips, you know, like, reir, you honestly, but they kind of have to, but that three-year-old, I don't know, maybe it was, you know, maybe I misread that, but he did. Who did the voice of the Cripkeeper? Bob Goldsweith.

Comed, close, John Casseer. Okay, and what did it sound? You remember John Cacier, comedian? He was on Star Trek. Sure. What did he sound like as the Cripkeeper? We're welcome to that. Let me tell you something.

If any comedians ask other comedians about comedians, they always know the other guy. It's so funny. It's true. Everybody's worked with everyone somewhere along the line. You're like, oh yeah, we did rooster tea feathers. You know, so it's fun. There's always, it's still kind of a small group of people that are stupid enough to pursue a career

and stand-up comedy with, all the pain and all the, especially the first three years. If you can get past three years, maybe you can settle in. But some of those early bombs, who, they just start hearing like Nate make, everyone makes so much money, Shane. And you just go, A, that's lightning in a bottle. And B, you have to be really good. And also it's taking them forever to get there.

Yeah. I mean, if someone wants to be a Nate or a Shane or a space. then they've got to put in, you've got to grind. You got to do your 10,000 hours of just all those clubs and everything. But, yeah. Yeah.

Well, we'll add on that. That up feet note. Yeah. I don't have my sound effects. Remember, I used to have. I know. What happened to that? I'll get them down here.

I have a new character that has a little prop that I'll do next week. Oh. Oh, cliffhanger. Cliff hangar. A lot of good feedback on Eddie Better last week on the other pod. I could have gone on for another hour with him. Once you start getting into the classic rock bands and the people he's played with and stuff, you know.

Yeah, he's a stunt. That's like. Remember when I was telling who the greatest rock voices were? I said, Eddie, if you're not on it, don't get mad. Don't get mad. This is my list. Can't get mad. I know.

I would have gotten a Freddie Merrick. Well, we were kind of thinking 90s in a way, weren't we? It's hard because if you think rock or if you think there's so many different kind of voices. I wanted to get to the female rockers, but we didn't get, we ran out of time. We kind of, we forgot a few people, so we want to clear that up. Freddie Mercury has had quite the pipes. What a tremendous talent. That was quite, and of course, Carly Simon could singer, you know, singer pants off or in Ed's case.

You know, did you remember Live Aid and how big, you know, they talked about Queen at Live Aid? I just saw on Instagram that who went after Queen, who would have to follow Queen? And they said people wanted to move their spot. And David Bowie said, I'll go. Yeah. And did great. Well, the thing about Queen, which is just for a few seconds here, is the range of what they did. even though it has its own sensibility.

That's a queen song. But you remember, I mean, we are the champions, just that song, not that it's ubiquitous, but the way it started, the chorus of we are, is so brilliant. And of course, my bohemian rhapsody, whoops. Oh, boy. How do we get to this? Sorry.

Wayne's world. Oh, my God. How did I forget? Sorry, I apologize. Oh, my, mama. Mama Mia. I still hurt. You would have not liked that scene.

You have to do this for 10. We did it in black sheep. Oh, you did it right. And no, and I wasn't doing it hard enough because I got a bad neck. And she's like, Spade, go harder. You got to kind of just do your whole body. Oh, they were telling you to go harder? Yeah, because I can't keep it with Farley.

He's like, no bones in his neck. He's all. He's amorphous. Yeah. I'm like, meet me in the middle. I can't keep up with it. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. And pleasure.

Same bad time next week. We'll see you next time. Yeah, thank you very much. Peace out, everybody. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gail Janeer, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answer on the show. We can email us at fly on the wall at odyssey.com. That's a-u-d-ac-Y-I-com.