Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #10 - Are Comedians HOT??

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

David and Dana are joined by Bethenny Frankel to hear her story of being cold-cocked in NYC. The guys also chat about conjoined twins, a good samaritan at Subway, massage robots, and defend SNL women. Submit advice questions to [e-mail] To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hi, can I take your order please? Can I get a Big Mac McRap, McFlurry and a McDouble? Keep it real, I need a Happy Meal, McCrispy and 10 McNuggets. Tasty golden fries, a cold drink with extra ice. Junior chicken will be fire and a sweet hot apple pie Is that it? Let me get a quarter pounder with cheese, a flatfish, oh please, make grittas, a McMuffin and a large coffee A hamburger, cheeseburger, hodge brown, hotcakes, vanilla corn shake and hot fudge sundae

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba When the husband marries, who does he pick? The other one feels like an asshole. And then the other one is like, well, I guess I'll just sit here and watch you bone my sister. One gets... Sorry. Um... Here, I'll give you a pop quiz. I don't know if we're always rolling. We're not rolling. Are we rolling? Pop quiz. Always rolling. Pop quiz.

Who was the femme fatale in the remake with Jeff Bridges of King Kong and it was in like Jessica Lange? Yeah. God damn. You know, the only reason I like that. Damn it, you're good. The only reason I like it is I love her so much. Oh my God.

And then Naomi Watts was in King Kong. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so much. I love her so damn, I love, you know, the only reason I like that. Damn it, you're good. The only reason I like it is I love her so much.

Oh my God, and then Naomi Watts was in King Kong. And then it's always just whoever's the hottest blonde, it'll be Margot Robbie now. And Margot Robbie, yeah, she'll do like, Bong will be Barbie and Kong. No, when, when. It'll be called Bong and she'll smoke weed and taste a monkey. Maybe Garth will be in it.

Yeah, Garth never smoked weed. Oh yeah, he's a virgin. Well, he got pubes at 38. He was a late developer. Now, let me say something. In the new, go ahead. I just got pubes. What do I do with them?

I have Garth glasses and I have a Garth, yeah. What do I do with them? I have Garth Glasses and I have a Garth, yeah. What do I do with them? I counted them and I named them. One's name's Lucy, one name is David Spade. Did you tie yours in knots? I said David Spade. One's name is David Spade. A full name?

We could have had you in Wayne's World too, just as yourself, a cameo and- You push it on your pubes in the microscope and then you get to me? You play a doctor. You could be in Stan McKee's donut shop. You could have been a psychopath or something. Another Canadian.

Some kind of weirdo. No, you look at your pubes in the magnifying glass and you get really close and one pub is me. Help! That is like incredible Shrinky Man. Yeah, it's weird. That's like Raquel Welch in, what was that called? When she shrunk down.

50 foot woman? No, 1968, Raquel Welch. The Incredible Shrinking. Incredible Shrinking Woman, that was Lily Tomlin. Yeah, there was some other name for it, but they all shrunk down. Wasn't when they went in the boat. They went inside the body inside a boat.

Donald Pleasance gets killed anyway. All right, listen, let me do Godzilla. And then we'll do Bethany. Let's pull over and eat, honey. This is not the best start. Is that okay? Okay, I'm gonna start. Okay.

Two, three, two. Welcome to Superfly, my guest is Dana Carvey. Welcome to Take One. We're back in the studio. These albino shins are not gonna make, because I saw the last one and the whole fucking podcast is that. That's what you're showing? I got so many letters. Yeah, I didn't know.

So guess what? Look at it now while you can, because good night. Irene. You know, when you're on a movie, they have dulling spray, they spray on stuff, so it doesn't kick on camera. Right. We coulda done that. And accidentally spilled on me. Those are decent cords though. Well, I don't buy anything, I don't have anything,

I'm a minimalist, I didn't realize it. I don't do anything or buy anything. I know, you're Scrooge McDuck on a pile of money. I just, well wait a minute, let me break down that. Wait a minute. He's got all the money that goes to the guy. I was allergic to money. Oh, that was Scrooge McDuck sneezing?

Yeah, he's over a pile of money. Shit, you won't see that anywhere else. All right, all right. All right, that's act one. What else? No, I'm going to tape on my weekend. The only highlight was- Okay, your new nickname is The Weeknd.

I went to The Grove to see Godzilla versus King Kong. I would do that if I could. And you know, you have to be kind of in the mood for that kind of movie, but I was ready for it. I went, I paid my $70, whatever it is, to go to a movie. I don't know- Popcorn? No.

Because I used to say to my brother, we go to a movie and then we go to the snackcorn? No. Cause I used to say to my brother, we go to a movie and then we go to the snack bar. And I said, what are you going to get? And he goes, everything. Oh, that was the Garth brother. Yeah, there's popcorn and then peanut M&Ms or something like that.

Yeah, pour in them. Pour in them. So you're going in, let's just set the scene. You're at the gross stadium scene. I'm fucking raw dogging. You paid $70. They're by yourself. No, I have a friend with me. You have a guy with you.

Yeah, and there's no females wanna see fucking King Kong. So, okay, so now. So I go in. What happens next? I sit through the 44 minutes of commercials. I know. You see it like, you know, there's Nicole Kidman.

She gets applause now for that dumb AMC thing. And then they show commercials, then previews, and then another commercial. When I saw Top Gun, you're almost about to see it, and then Tom Cruise comes on and he goes, welcome to the movie and thanks for coming. I mean, we're already here, go, we don't need you. I know, I thought that was a bold move,

because like in a minute he's gonna be Captain McGuire or something, he'll say, hi, I'm Tom Cruise, in 30 seconds you'll see me pretending, I'll look exactly like this, but suspend disbelief. Enjoy the movie. Yeah, why one more commercial? You got us, right? I go to a movie at 12, at 12.15 start.

The movie starts at four o'clock. Yeah, that's true. Let's just put it, say it whatever. I stayed at Cheesecake Factory a little longer because I knew that. Cheesecake. So I go in, Godzilla versus Kong. I naively thought, innocently,

that Godzilla and Kong could be friends. Not a chance. So that was your first mistake. Yeah, I walk in, I go, maybe they're buddies. No, it's not a two-hander. They- Did you see any of the trailers where they're chasing each other with bangs buried?

I know, I think it's just, when you're a monster, you just like the challenge of other monsters. I thought the Wicked Witch would be really friends with the Midget and the Wizard of Oz. I thought they'd dance together. I would too at that age. We represent the lollipop. I already did Donald Duck.

This movie is two bad guys, Kong vs. Skunks, doesn't make sense. So anyway, they come out, Godzilla, who has like an American eagle head, he's not that attractive because it doesn't match his monster body. No wonder he's single. He's got a tiny skull.

Tiny skull. Huge shoulders. Godzilla, the new Godzilla has a little head, big shoulders. Oh, he's kind of fat. Yeah, he's kind of- He's Trump. He's got Trump's kind of pear-shaped body.

I'm Godzilla. You've got a terrific tongue. I carry weight down here. I'm kind of thin up here. The shoulders are kind of tiny. The bottom is huge. The legs are huge. No, but I heard Trump is really pear-shaped. I knew a guy went golfing with him once.

No, I think he is. I think that's- It's pretty obvious. He's got quite a rump on me. And he says, he says, King Kong, everyone's saying bad things about him, he's okay. He's got a fat ass. Get out of here, Joe.

So here comes Kong and Godzilla and they fight immediately. All my hopes are dashed, go ahead. Did Dolly Parton write the soundtrack? Cause it'd be like, here you come again. Looking like a fat lizard five stories tall. That I had a fight with. Yeah, so Kong. Our best non sequitur of Superfly.

Take one. Dolly. So he's, you sometimes block my camera when you ask questions. So I, that's pretty much it. You wrote a review. So the review is Dolly Parton comes in. Well, did you enjoy it?

I'm curious just as a fan. Well, Godzilla gets jacked up by nuclear energy. So he has to run around all the nuclear pants and huff. That's how he gets- And it becomes super Godzilla. Yeah, and he gets crazy. And I'm like, fucking, no one's whispering this to Kong because he's gonna lose quickly, I can tell,

because he's just a monkey, who cares? And then there's a deaf girl in the movie that tries to help, she's from an Iwi tribe, and she can talk to Kong. So like when Kong gets stabbed, he falls on the ground and the deaf girl's like this. But she's not dumb and blind, because I'm a big fan of the group.

No, she can talk, she's just dumb. Okay, she's not deaf and dumb and blind, that guy sure can play a mean pinball. Not like Tommy. Okay. So she goes, does sign language to Kong, and then he goes like this, and then she goes, Kong's hurt.

I go, well, no shit, Sherlock. He just got stabbed. I mean, we don't need the Long Island medium in for this one. We figured that part out. Long Island medium. Remind me after you finish your review, I'll do my Long Island medium.

Please. Yeah. When I go in to get my haircut, I go, give me the long island medium. I like it today because it looks unkept. It's like bed head. It is. It's good though.

It accidentally looks good. It doesn't look. We're gonna get comments and fucking, I don't care. I love the comments. I love the rage. The radiation is good, but when he lifts his leg, you can tell his balls are smaller. It doesn't matter.

Is that a joke or you really see his testicles? It's a peachy. I look. Okay. Because in most of the reviews I read, they said, disappointingly, no Kong testicles were available in the screening I saw.

No, Godzilla has small balls. Because he drinks radiation. Well, of course, you've got so much fat and so much stuff, the testicles are fine. They almost disappear. But the bottom and the thighs are so big, it's an optical illusion. It makes sense.

That's the end. So at the end, Godzilla is a good guy But the bottom and the thighs are so big, it's an optical illusion. It makes sense. Sorry, go on. That's the end. So at the end, Godzilla is a good guy and then the whole town likes him. He's like throwing out a pitch at the Yankees. Don't tell me who wins. Well, it's more like, I won't even mention Mothra. Because there's a few.

Mothra makes an appearance? I'm not even gonna, there are too many spoilers. Fuck. But I would say it's, if you wanna be confused and you have three and a half hours go. Okay, so people, have you found any subscriptions you forgot about? I just said this two minutes ago.

There was a streamer that hit me up Hey, thanks for your moolah for last month. We just charge you it didn't say do you want to be charged again? There's a lot of these on your phone. It's like whale on you and you don't even know it You need someone to get in there and shake the tree a little bit rocket money It alerts you of an increase in subscription price, it could negotiate it for you if you want, it can cancel it for you, it's so time consuming.

Nearly 75% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about. So, yeah. This is a real problem. This product needed to be made and Rocket Money did it. I thought I had about 10, I have about 6,000. Oh, I won last night. We wanted to watch something and it said, uh, free trial. Oh, free. But then you have to sign. It took 20 minutes to sign up.

They got information and the movie sucked anyway. Yeah. Oh, and it's such a headache to get on, but then they got you and they don't even let you know. And then just every month they just do your bam bam bam. Thank you ma'am. Yeah. When you got financial, you know, everyone's pretty tight in the financial crunch and you don't want money going down the drain that you don't even care about at all.

It's hard enough with the stuff you definitely need. You don't need a lot of this stuff. They come in. It's a personal finance app. Finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, helps lower your bill, hence grows your savings. Right. Yeah. You don't want to spend time combing over all these charges. You know, that doesn't sound like so much fun.

They have over 5 million users, Dana. That's a lot. Wow, it's growing. And they've saved people a total of 500 million. That's crazy in cancel subscriptions. So, they save members up to $740 a year when you're using all their apps features. It all compounds. It all adds up, yep.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash superfly. That's rocketmoney.com slash superfly. Rocketmoney.com slash superfly. Sarah, it's Spade and Dana, and no one cares about your 50th anniversary dumb interview. I was so excited when I got the call for us.

Call us and you'll be on camera. And it'll be seen by at least 3,200 people. Right, we get a lot of YouTube comments, which mean nothing. Yeah. So, you can't call us. We're officially one one-thousandths of Joe Rogan's audience.

Yeah. We have a lot of people that watch our show that also watch Joe Rogan. If that means anything. And his brother Biff Rogan. Get that mulligan. Get that mullet. This is going nowhere. This voicemail is going to be cut after. Don't make me sneeze again as Donald Duck. No, that was so good. I will do it if we need it.

That was so good. I hadn't done that in a while. I actually was sneezing. Shit. Okay. What's going on? Oh, Long Island Medium. She's like,

how was it? What was it? Theresa. Oh, she never says the loved ones, or is they in heaven? What is it? You? Oh, she never says the loved ones. Is they in heaven? What is it? You know, what's he saying to you? He said he liked his socks.

He liked the yellow socks. He did. He's in the afterlife and he's communicating with us. Yeah, he said he liked the yellow socks that he had in the drawer, but he didn't say anything about meeting God. No, he just really liked those socks. That's what he's wasting his time with in heaven. It goes from there, more of the certain little things, you know?

Yeah, and then they're like, why is he talking about that? Why is he talking about that? He likes it when you gave, he liked the warm blanket you had. Oh, he didn't have a special warm blanket. Well, couldn't you have gotten him a blanket? He died of pneumonia. Couldn't you have gotten a blanket. Well, couldn't you have gotten him a blanket? He died of pneumonia. Couldn't you have gotten a blanket? So then she turns on him.

Yeah, she just, does he make sense? And then she flips it on him. I don't know. These are tight as fucking shit, aren't they? Oh, fuck. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. So how are you?

Nice to meet you, Bethany. Nice to meet you, Bethany. Nice to meet you too. This is so exciting. That's Dana. Yeah, we have a little counter. There's 36 people watching us right now. No, there's not.

That's a lot. That's the most you've ever had. No, this is just, we tape it because we have a video one now so we can see you, which is way better. Right, and it would make you insecure if it was only 36 people, because you are a comedian.

Yeah. That's a big crowd for me, though. Are you hydrating with a sort of a energy drink? Am I like severe? I'm a thirsty bitch. I'm a very dehydrated person by nature. I always have like multiple beverages. Do you mind if I use that for a song title? Thirsty bitch. I'm just saying.

I do not. I do not mind. I'm a thirsty dude. Listen, the fun's over. We have to find out about the crime. So- The crime. The crime at hand, Dana. There's a story going on. I really fell, Dana Ann.

But there's not one guy, probably random guys running around, I think they're guys, New York, and punching girls in the face. Is that close so far, Bethany? Yes, it was funny because when I was thinking about that we were going to talk today, I was thinking about the fact that you guys

aren't originally from New York, but lived in New York when you were doing SNL and what that perspective was, like what your vision of crime was then. I was thinking of pre Giuliani and the 70s, and then I was thinking of how I think of it now, how like some guy wrote an article during the pandemic about crime,

Seinfeld pushed back on it. It's been a discussion and there's been like a defensiveness about it because New Yorkers want to gaslight and pretend it's not actually happening and close their eyes and pretend they're not seeing it. So that's why I think that's an interesting discussion. We, when we had crime, it was crime,

but it was like big crime. Like there's a bank robber and they catch them. They'd go to jail. There's no real crime and punishment anymore. It seems it's watered down a little bit. So there's crime and there's not as much punishment. And that makes more crime in my rough math in my head. So when things happen like this,

they sort of go unnoticed and swept under the rug. Well, to insert this for a second, once you get used to it, like in the 80s was pretty rough. I lived there in 81 as well. But then I came back and like, after Giuliani, I don't know what he did, but my wife and I are walking around New York and we're not looking over our shoulder. And he said, what happened? And then Times Square became like Disneyland. So then the juxtaposition

was like, this was possible? Like, what happened? Right. Right. Well, the Giuliani was the not fucking around crew. And so that's very interesting, especially when you're dealing with a jungle like New York and it was left kind of unguarded during the pandemic and the inmates are running the asylum. And so from a superficial standpoint, if you go into CVS, mascara and eyelashes are locked up, like shampoo. Like it's so bad for business to begin with

because you can't go in there and just pick something up and go pay for it. You have to like all four people and a supervisor to get a mascara. I mean, so that's because anybody could steal anything they want. And a problem, Bethany, just so I can interrupt you for sure, at least once,

is that when these stories, we see that happening, they're sort of counting on a good-natured, normal person with morals saying, oh, I'll pay, these people just carry stuff out. At some point, someone's gonna go, why am I paying? Like, it's just as easy to walk straight out. Like, I feel like hardworking people are getting the shaft. By the way, it's 100 percent. It goes through your mind.

Well, it's harder to pay than to not pay. Right. Right. And people. It's harder to pay. Yeah. Well, what was your blink? I mean, you were considering getting a place there, but you changed your mind. I mean, was it worse than you thought? I mean, you obviously got slapped or hit in the face. We'll get to that in a second.

But is it feel worse than ever? Well, I ultimately it feels really bad. And David said it well, in the sense that not everything is like the most gigantic thing. I mean, the numbers don't lie. But like I wouldn't have my daughter, who's turning 14 on the subway by herself, which some of her friends do. That's sort of been something she mentioned flippantly. And I was like, absolutely not.

What a daredevil. For her walking around, sorry. That's like a daredevil move to go on the subway alone now. I think what you're gonna say is there's two lanes of this. There's the actual crime, and then there's the threat of the crime. So, you know, I was in a CVS in West Hollywood, all of a sudden they're screaming

on the other side of the store. So your day is, you know, you're tense, you're screaming on the other side of the store. So your day is, you know, you're tense, you're worried. So the psychology of New York, I had a friend move and he just said, everyone is angry. Every so and he loved New York. So I have one daughter and it's unfortunate that like I'm putting the fear of death in her. And I don't even think she wants to listen anymore. Because every time I see something that actually has happened in New York, like the punching of the face or the other thing, and like you said, we'll get into it. I'm constantly like almost badgering her because I'm so helpless

that when she's with her dad, she's in New York and she's sometimes like, oh, we just were here. Or I have something on my phone that says where she was. I mean, wait, what do you mean? How did you get there? How did you get home? Like I am now a helicopter parent about this thing, because you're right, when I'm in a drugstore, my shoulders are up, like any human that's near me,

I feel like they're going to do something to me. Yeah, for sure. Yep. In the city. Yeah. And so you got and you were one of the ones, I think, before this turned into let's call it it, a TikTok trend, unfortunately. But that's what, when it's on TikTok, that's how they call things. But so, you got hit, females, for some reason, are getting hit.

Just tell us that. Yeah, tell us the story real quick. So, yeah, I ultimately did get a place later than this, which is another conversation, but in a different area, because I wanted to be safe, and I had reasons, because of work, because I didn't want to be constantly in a hotel room with a garment bag, like a different area because I wanted to be safe and I had reasons because of work because I didn't want to be like constantly in a

hotel room with a garment bag like a hooker that I am so separately I was on this yeah yeah and a thirsty but so I was in New York City I think it was like 72nd and West End, which sounds like kind of fancy to me, like West End. I don't know. It was a new area that I was gonna look at and the building was pre-war super fancy. And I was ironically excited because I like doings around where I'm gonna look,

like, oh, is there a shoe repair or a nail place? And so there was this little deli and then a little bakery kind of right next to each other. And I walked in and it was this tiny place that had all these different kinds of desserts that I was interested in. And I took my phone out because to take a picture of them and I turned around and a guy just as I was walking out the door just whacked me in the face. And I have a driver who is, you know, he's an Albanian tough guy, he's a security guy, but he wasn me in the face. And I have a driver who is, you know, he's an Albanian tough guy. He's a security guy, but he wasn't in the store with me.

He was outside by the car. And when I walked out, I made eye contact with him, like some, you know, something went down with this guy and he came over and they had words. And the guy was homeless and he seemed unwell. I mean, he just seemed unhinged and unwell. And I was I said it just wasn't a situation where I felt like calling the police because it felt like this guy was troubled enough

on his own. I mean, he's going to be there for a night and more anxiety and they're going to let him out. I just thought. And then he might have a vendetta against you because you threw him in. You just pay a big price when you go through life on guard, intense, even if you're not directly affected.

And when you go to other places outside of intense, even if you're not directly affected. And when you go to other places outside of the city, like in the country somewhere, and then you go, well, this is the way it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be worried at a pharmacy or just walking down front of my house. So it's sad to hear this. And I hope that they fix it. And it's interesting because this is sort of, it might sound mean, but when they say,

oh, someone was mentally ill or they attack someone and then they have a problem with the police. But they say, oh, but they always claim, oh, but he's mentally ill, so let him go. It's like, well, listen, that doesn't mean you're not gonna hit someone with a brick. That's the people you want sort of pulled in somewhere to get looked at.

Someone has a mental illness that, you know, encourages violence inside their brain. That's a whole other topic. Every serial killer is mentally ill. Obviously, they're not supposed to kill people. So that's not the best excuse to say we should leave them alone and let them roam around. It's like-

It's not, but there's a version of compassionate and there's a version of intellectual understanding that the pandemic drove a lot of us who were sitting home and who are not broke crazy. And so you're thinking about the desperate. It's the thing is, there's a feeling of desperation and you can like it's palpable when you're near somebody on the street. Like, there's a good chance if you see somebody kind of close to you, they're going to start screaming or go off. And there's the mental illness thing. And you're seeing it in other cities, too. I saw it when I was in LA.

San Francisco is a wild town now. So it is this post pandemic thing. And then instead of like being the not fucking around crew like the Giuliani situation, sort of just like letting if you let all your kids in the classrooms do whatever they want, it's not going to be a great situation. That's what's going on. Yeah, that's exactly what's going on. Was that the first time you met John Lovitz

when you got slapped? Was when he punched you? That's so funny. No, I did meet John Lovitz years ago. It was Shannon, my friend Shannon, and he was early. He was an early adapter, smacking people. A good friend of ours,

and we always use him as a punchy. Are you jealous of my right hook? I heard what you said to Bethany. Are you saying I'm homeless? No. And I punched her? I agree, we try to make light of this, but it is such a complicated situation. No, it's a traumatizing thing.

You're just sucker punched or something. And you remember it forever. That really scares you. And you paint a good, well, I kind of feel like, I feel what New York is like right now. And I don't want it to be that way. I'm so fond of New York and love New York. I don't want it to be angry and suggest.

But we're talking about specifics. And the thing is it is a whole macro situation because if I go there and then I text the realtor, screw this, I don't wanna live here. This place is nuts because I identify the entire place with that experience. Plus I go to a normal drug store and things are in cages. Then it's going to affect the real estate market and the economy. And then it's really going to be a circular reference of New York doom.

I think that's what's happening. And Jerry Seinfeld, I hate to say it because I love him and I know you guys love him, but he was wrong when he responded to that guy's open letter. The guy I think was named Steven and he wrote an open letter about New York in the beginning of the pandemic and Jerry got really annoyed and he wrote an open letter and it's kind of not been great. I think it's gotten exponentially worse even since then. That's what I'm saying.

Me too. I think I, yeah, I agree. He loves New York and I do too. We stayed there for our whole run of SNL. Oh, yeah I will let you go, but that's very nice you to jump on with us Bethany. Thank you. Thanks you guys I like funny you got funny guys having good important conversations. I'm impressed. I'd love to have more of them weird combo But it's where I'm sick of the funny part. I'm kind of Hey Dana, are you going to York not gonna do? Not gonna do it? You might not be funny anymore. Yeah, I'm serious now. Hey, Dana, are you going to New York?

Not gonna do it. So. All right, bye. Thank you. Bye, David. Can we call her collect next time? We'll bill her for that call. She's such a wealth of knowledge.

She spits it all out. Well, it's just fun when you're not trying to be politically incorrect and we're still in the mode of like, you know. Yeah. We have another subject about, one was the TikTok. There's an article in your New York Times that says, TikTok, people quit filming yourself getting punched

and talking about it because it starts a trend. So it's another thing where they blame the people instead of the crime. Show a picture of one of the people that got hit, one of the girls that got hit if we have one, because they actually get nailed. Look at this. Well, that's a little baby one, see that left corner,

but it is a goose egg, if you can see it. And then there was a blonde, Look at this. Well, that's a little baby one, see that left corner, but it is a goose egg, if you can see it. And then there was a blonde, look at that. That's a full egg on her forehead. This is like my, Brian, shut up, Brian. It's a whole trend. We gotta go to punch a woman,

cause I saw it on TikTok. I don't know if it's cooler to punch or get punched. Well, look at TikTok, we'll figure it out. Well, one's the aggressor, one's the victim, I think. No, yeah, I'm kidding. But it is just kind of funny. A guy who's never hit a woman in his life, it's on TikTok. I know, they start punching.

They start jizzing over the... It's really just, I don't know. Did you ever see Clockwork Orange? That's a weird one, but yeah. It's about society just collapsing under this in the criminals takeover. That's sort of what's going on quietly. It's escaped from New York and you're-

Kurt Russell? Snake Pilsen, I was going for the actual name. Snake Fliskin. Yeah, Fliskin, you're Snake Fliskin. Fuck yeah. You're our only hope of a troubled nation. Oh my God, I hope it doesn't come to that. They're slapping people, they're punching people

on my watch, you're gonna- No, but look at this one. This is a good story. So a guy was at Subway. Do you have that one, Greg? Guy's at Subway waiting in line. And the guy in front of him, of course, starts hassling the employee, spits on her,

punches her twice. And the guy behind is a wrestler. And he just takes him down right away. I love it. No one gets involved anymore. After she gets punched though. I know, he let her punch twice. He says, one, I'll give you the trend.

Two, you're going down. So he tackled him and he goes, I didn't want to beat him up too bad. I love this dude. And he goes, but I held him and said, you're not going anywhere till the cops come. You can stop fighting. I'm a pro wrestler.

And the guys are like, oh, love it. I love those stories. Death wish, Charles Bronson, come on. Well, because we were bullied. We were bullied. Oh, of course. Right? I mean, ifonson, come on. Well, because we were bullied. We were bullied. Oh, of course. Right? I mean, if I was, you know.

Gabrielle Pizzullo, stud. That's who did it, stud. Let's make this entire episode about this. No, we're moving on. Random violence. No, we got another, we're going to a lighter fare. What's an excellent Golden Bachelorette, what do we got? It's to lighten up the people who are.

Oh no, this is fun. This is fun. This is fun. Uh oh. This is good news. The conjoined twins, Abby and whoever. We went from violence to. They got married. Well, we're back to lighter fare.

This is a feel good story. I love them. I actually like the taller one. When they took math, they really put their heads together. I know, there's too many. There's too many. There's too many? I have too many good jokes. Sorry.

I didn't even think I had a joke, right? They said they have three vaginas. That doesn't make any sense, does it? Three, three vaginas. You think they have one or two. Well, once nature gets a little distorted, it'll start just playing with the recipe. It's churning out. Oh yeah. Weigh down, they share everything. Only one start just playing with the recipe. It's turning on. Oh yeah.

Weights down, they share everything. Only one set of everything, waist down. So if they have di... That's the first question. I don't want to think about it. Just one set of the poops only. So I hear that it's so bonding that sometimes even though they can get separated, they decide to stay together. That's what I heard. Oh, you mean if they could... Well, they're so connected, like That's what I heard. I don't know if you do, but.

Oh, you mean if they could. Well, they're so connected, like, literally, in figure of face. No, that's people that are joined at the head. At the head, but the bodies are separate. And they have two bodies. Yeah, I could imagine they're used to it. Okay.

But these two are joined at the body, and so they couldn't do anything to them. But when the husband marries, who does he pick? The other one feels like an asshole. He's like, well, it's like the bachelor. Who gets the final rose? Gives it, because they're twins, gives it to one, the tall one, probably.

And then the other one is like, well, I guess I'll just sit here and watch you bone my sister. So one gets, sorry. Just cancel me now. So one has got a husband and they're making out and having sex. Yeah. And the other one is just there for the party.

And he's like, you can bring your ugly sister. She's like, well, we're twins. That's a little rude. For some guys, that's a turn on. Some guys, it's a non-starter. For Trump, it happened to him. I'm just trying to laugh. You're trying to Trump again? There were two together.

One, I love beautiful, but the heads were together. I wasn't gonna go there. So I'm just making it up. I think that's enough on those guys. We have. We have good stuff. Where's our feel good? That's a feel good.

This is the darkest. Oh yeah, we're supposed to do fun stories. We've ever done. Oh, Golden Bachelor. Broken love, love, love, you know. This is the darkest podcast we've ever done. Oh, Golden Bachelor. Broken love, love, you know. No, The Bachelor. Okay, read it, because people are driving.

Golden Bachelor and his wife still living separately three months after their dream TV wedding. Right. I hope this doesn't hint that reality shows are a scam. I do not want to hear this bullshit. Yeah, it's just like the Easter Bunny's not real or Santa Claus didn't come down the chimney. I mean, this is right up there with me.

I'm fully traumatized. But what I thought was maybe they're doing a couple thing, like separate bedrooms. Oh yeah, we like each other better. Now why don't you take the house down the street? Now we're really have a good relationship. I think that's happening way more than you know. But they're states away.

That's really love. But their phone sex bill is massive. He goes, I'm too tired to even have phone sex. No, she's like, come on. She calls him by his age. Come on, 73. What are you gonna do, 73? Come on, do it.

You like it? Like he's a basketball player. You like it like that, 73? Huh, huh? And he's like, yes, 68. Here's your Viagra smoothie from marijuana. Why is sex talk always angry? What are you gonna do?

You like that shit? You like it? Why is it so mad? When you say it to girls, they go, is that a rhetorical question? You like that shit? So I do or I don't know. Huh?

Well, look, I think they're adorable and I think through a surrogate, they should make a human being and raise it and call the human being David Spade. That's good. I'm in two different bits now. Yeah. As long as I get a laugh in the room,

I'm like, you can use my name too, but you're famous. It's a funny name. David Spade is funny. It's funnier to use me. But oh, here's, well, last thing I was gonna say, who was hornier out of those two on The Golden Bachelor? I think the female was.

Okay, now this is Squatterburger, Danny. This is me trying to read. This is a Squatter, you know, the Squatter situation. Squatters, which I thought was kind of a joke, but it's a real, real coo-coo. You stay in someone's house more than 15 minutes, you own it. I think that's the rule.

Damn it, my shins are coming out to play. Stay down there. Get those glare sticks away from the rule. Damn it, my shins are coming out to play. Stay down there. Get those glare sticks away from me. Stay down there, fucking shins. Well, I told you, Theo Vaughn, I came in with short black sleeve. You come out in here with all those wide arms. With all your wide arms.

With all those wide arms. And he was right, I looked at him on, I was like a fucking squid. Squiddy white, super white, and black t-shirts. So then I bought this and all I wear. No, those are cool. Is that James Purse? No, the Gap, $13.

Don't act like it's a lot. You are. We're gonna talk about your budget. I just take a money gun and a James Purse. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr That's a new, I'm gonna go. You've seen Money Guns? No, I like the new effect. Rappers have it, they stack hundreds in it, walk in a strip club and go brrrr. Oh yeah, and then it just flies. Okay, so this is. Okay, what are you seeing? So the funny part, not that everyone's squatting and.

Should I face David Moore? Okay. I think when you use your hand, it blocks that camera and mine probably blocks yours. Oh, I'm blocking his. Is that what I'm doing? Is that what you're doing? I don't know, his camera's just overheating a little bit. Oh, overheating, okay Oh, I'm blocking his. Is that what I'm doing? Is that what you're doing? I know his camera is overheating a little bit. That's one. Oh, overheating.

Okay. Cause I'm overheating. I, I'm glad the camera's over. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know what they named today? They, I was looking down SNL stuff.

The best single cast. So they said, you know, like for me, they said 80, 88, but for 91, 92, they call it the best year of a single cast in the history of SNL. Oh, for real? Was I on that? Yes, and they said, Dana Florfeld, myself, had left and Chris Rock, and they didn't mention Mike Myers.

It was you, Farley, Sandler, and it was a great cast, but I was there in 91 and 92. It should have been the day, it should have been the overlap with you, Mike, and then all of us. Well, that's what I thought. I thought that was the best, most potent year, that 92, three, but this year, guys, was great too.

It was like when you took over, it was more like 94, five or three later, three, four, five. It was more of a two, three, four was pretty big. So I thought you guys were the funniest, honestly. When I came back to guest host and I was in a room with you, Farley and Sandler, I said, these guys are the funnier than we were.

We were good sketch players, it was different. That's nice you to say that. It's hard to see yourself the way everybody is. You guys had, those were the years. I know, it's like the little engine that could, but there was a couple years there that you guys were kicking ass on that show. It does also take time to look back and appreciate.

So the new cast now, I think later, will look back and say, oh my God, those guys are so great. But at the time, it's never like your time right then. They never- I don't want it to end. They didn't fawn over you. They didn't fawn over us.

They waited till later. And then when we were there, they said, you guys are great. And then we left. Well, you said, you guys are great, and then we left. Well, you always, whoever does it before you, I saw Martin Short in 78 on SCTV, and I was like, and Steve Martin live at the boarding house, and I was like, they're doing what I wanna do,

and I was nowhere, so of course, then you see him later on, and you're still a little bit in awe of them. Not to over talk her, but it's just so random that Bethany was an intern for SNL and she had a catering company on the side, catered a Joe Dirt premier party and her business took off after that.

Fun fact. But it's just funny the overlap you guys have had your whole life. It's kind of weird. Okay, quickly, the last thing about squatting is the funny part, they call it Squatter Burger because the people, you know, these people get in your home and then they don't, and there shouldn't even't be any squatters rights laws at all. Why is it someone steals your house?

They can have it. Yeah, no, it's called stealing. Yeah stealing So these people said no we live there and they go we need proof that you live there So they sent a shake shack receipt where they got an uber eats delivery and it had their address on it that was one of their pieces of evidence. And it's like, what? That could be, stand in front of their house and order. It's so stupid. The judge is like, okay, it all makes sense now.

So I don't know. So anyway, that was Squatter Burger. Funny title though. I looked it up because I saw it on the preview of the episode and I couldn't find it. Oh. But yeah, Squatter Burger is a funny title. Well, that brings me to this one because that falls into a, there's no way that's real. So this one I saw and I go, there's no way.

Okay. It says Michigan's giving illegal migrants 6,000 each if you move there. You have to have one condition. You have to be an illegal immigrant. The office. Wow they're renting, they give you 6,000 towards rental of apartments, so you'll move there. I don't, this might be a fake story.

A side story, because I was looking this up, is that they're giving people who have a home and an extra bedroom, they'll give them 500 a month to house an illegal immigrant. Oh, in the extra bedroom? Yes. In London, if you're old and they deem that your house is too big for you,

they'll make you sell it to them so they can house more people. Yeah, I get it. I love when people tell me this house is too big for me. I don't want them to steal that and start showing people in here. Well, what's the next step? I don't want my friends in here. It's too fancy for you. They paint it really dull. It's just too fancy.

No, you shouldn't wear cords. They're too young for you. We're gonna take them away. Keep that shin down. I want more government telling me what to do. I just like it. No, I like to be told. I like to be told what to wear.

I'm looking at the California squatters' rights. What do they say? They actually have to pay taxes. Oh, squatters have to? In order to take over permanently, you have to live there openly for five years, but you're required to pay taxes while you're there as a squatter, I'm surprised. But they can't kick you out right away?

They can. You just have to go through a whole procedure of filing an eviction notice, and it says that you can. And that they don't necessarily have rights, but there's things to protect them if they do follow, they have to follow certain rules to be protected. It's like saying bank robber rights. If you're breaking the law, why do you have so many rights over a person that owns a house?

Wouldn't that grind your onion if you bought a place? Like I just got that little fucking shit shack down south. If someone was there, I'd be like, how do I get someone out? And they go, no, I own it now. I've stayed here for four days. Like get fucked. I turned the water on my name. I'm like, I didn't know how to do that? And they go, no, I own it now. I've stayed here for four days. Like, get fucked. I turned the water on my name. I'm like, I didn't know how to do that.

And they do it, and now they own it. And I gotta go through, hire a lawyer. Yeah, it's the downstream consequences. There is no solution. There's only trade-offs. I would try to get into this country, apparently from where everyone else is trying to get in. Yeah, I mean, it's-

But when you came to Alice Island, cause I was there, doing a benefit. Do you have a place there? No. Oh, you did a. Yeah, I mean, it's. But when you came to Ellis Island, because I was there doing a benefit. Do you have a place there? No. Oh, you did a benefit there, did you, for real? Yeah. And it's pretty profound. You walk around Ellis Island and you see

what the immigrants coming off and what the rules were. One of them was you will not become a ward of the state. Like you, if you couldn't answer no to that, they put you back. What does that mean, a ward of the state? Government doll, government money. Oh, you couldn't answer no to that, they put you back on the boat. What does that mean, award of the state? Government doll, government money. Oh, you couldn't be a burden. Yeah, couldn't be a burden.

Maybe that's the way they said it. I think they crossed that part out. It was 1906. Now I'm telling you, you can come here and they say a country, but you better not be a burden to society. Cause that's where we draw the line. We welcome all immigrants,

unless they become burden to society. Hello, I'm David Spade. Oh, I thought that was Little Meach. Little Meach is a rapper apparently. Okay. And he's got a broken finger. I didn't know that. That's Dr. Evil's son.

I mean, it strikes again. Little Meach, I thought it was funny. He said between Nickelodeon, Diddy and that bridge. I don't trust shit these days. Yeah, it's funny. I don't, is that the slang? It's I don't, I like that. I just sort of figured it out, yeah.

Between Nickelodeon and Diddy and that bridge, I don't trust shit, shit. Now what is your thoughts on the bridge quickly? Was it an, I still think it's fishy, even though it's water. Well, what's the rumor of Diddy and the bridge? I don't keep up. No, Diddy is- I know we got a rest of this. Diddy got a, what's the rumor of Diddy and the bridge? I don't keep up. No, Diddy is- I know we got arrested.

Diddy got arrested. He's saying between these three things that happened lately, there's some sketchy shit going on. Oh, and the bridge was the bridge. Okay. The bridge was the one where the boat went like this. I thought it was Diddy. Oh my God, look at this.

Here's the big thing. Oh my God, we have no control. Bam. That's what I thought was fishy. I'm like, you don't do a button hug. What are you running pattern? It looked like it just drifted in. It didn't get the right angle.

Did it though? Did you see it turn? I did. I'm just starting trouble. Oh, come on. I took the train across the bridge. A friend's offense. Took the train many times.

The choo choo train across the bridge. There was never a train on the bridge. Holy fuck. I'm reading the wrong strip cards. All right. Next one. Biden not working. Heather looks sad. We're going too long, aren't we? What is this? Oh, this is a fun one. I had nothing on this other than robots giving handjobs. No, a handjob from a robot is the worst. They, because they're masseuses now. That's, I forgot to say that part. Oh, you can get a massage from a robot. The joke was. Which jumps to, yeah.

I wonder if there's gonna be massage robot porn, because there's regular massage porn. They cut a hole in the bottom, I'll tell you later. I had a masseuse, I probably said this on this podcast. What did they say to you? Give it, give it. She put her elbow into me and said, give it, give it. I love this. So if they had a robot that would say that, give it, give it, give it to me, give it, or I will punish you. Mine goes like this.

She said, give it. You like that shit? Give it. You, give it or I will punish you. So she said give it. You like that shit? Give it. You like that shit? I'm in the hole like this going, do I like what? I put a fish tank down there and I put a scuba gear thing so I can watch the fish. What an idiot.

It's an article. It's an article. I can't. I went to state school. God damn. God damn. God damn, all right, let me make sure there's no Sarah Sherman. Okay, let's talk about that story then, is it over?

Let's talk about the story, we've gone too long. I'm gonna tell the story about, oh, the SNL story. We'll get Sarah to call next week. These are all evergreen, by the way. These are fun. SNL is probably this week, though. Fee, fi, fo, reel. We're gonna end on this week.

We could have a two-show deal. We do. We could have three. Two times thirty. So this woman says this. Yes, okay. This blew up the way. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. SNL has never hired a hot woman.

And I want to be clear, I'm not saying that every single woman who has been a cast member of SNL is ugly. It's just that none of them have ever been like Hot I just kind of looks that eventually grow on you This is what on my mind for a while, but I feel like what really settled in for me was when they hired this girl I'm sorry I don't know her name is but um and then they make every skit that she's in She's in being like where she plays like someone I want to skip perhaps so that she's in being like where she plays like someone super hot and super dumb and the point of the joke is that she's super pretty. And it always makes me laugh because like no offense to her but she's not that pretty.

I think for myself, nobody else is pretty. She makes money off of it. But if you get defensive it's kind of almost, you know, giving it a thumbs up. It's absurd. Here you can stop it. It's hard for like Heidi Gardarner to come out and say, no, I'm pretty. That's for other people to say.

We'll say it, she's very pretty. So is Chloe. Absolutely. So is, I think Sarah Sherman's super cute. Well, let me just tell you from my perch in life where I'm at, every woman is pretty. Every single woman. Because.

That's a real strong take. That's a real. They. That's a real- They are. Most women, when they look back, or we look back at a picture of ourselves, let's just take women for a second, they look back like, my wife says, I should have just been in a bathing suit the whole time.

Yeah, they realize. Why? Women are very harsh on themselves, and we are harsh on women, and then they don't- You're hard on me, and I'm hard on you. Excuse me? Why is everything a sexual inuendo?

It wasn't, now it is. Psychologically. No, we're always hard on ourselves. And if we don't, YouTube comments will pick up the slack. But let me ask you a question though. So there's the aesthetic of a potential woman for David Spoodler. I'm trying to find my camera.

Find your camera, find your camera. So define hotness because there's the aesthetic of someone who would be called a tan or like has like a perfect. That, this woman I think is saying physically, physically, not to mention they're super talented. Not personality. Not to mention they're super cute. Not personality. Not to mention they're super cute.

Sarah Sherman has a great voice. Like all these things add up to what makes someone, male or female, attractive. And so if you're just saying, should they all look like a Victoria's Secret, I don't know. I mean, I just think it's a weird one. And Sarah Sherman said the best answer.

Which was? She said, I'm sorry when I just found out today I'm not hot. I'd like privacy. I'd like to ask her privacy to deal with my family. Oh God. Grieve in ugly. No, better word.

If I could grieve in ugly. Ug Lily. Privately in Ug Lily. Let me just say this now. She should do one on the men, even though she did say Jimmy Fallon was the definition of a hot man. He's cute, yeah. Yeah.

But what the fuck are we over here? Fucking Rice-o-Roni? No, listen. Jesus Christ. Throw us a little bone. What are we? No, it's in the highest ranking. That was a six. So I get it.

But a lot of comic dudes are known for being not that good. That's part of the everyman part of comedy. Well, let's just say if Carol Burnett looked like Raquel Welch. She looked like Raquel Welch, if you know the reference. Yeah. Carol Burnett looks like Raquel Welch, but she's doing the same sketch show. Google canett looks like Raquel Welch, but she's doing the same sketch show.

Google can you find Raquel Welch? I think the best lane for a comedian is to be kind of cute and likable. Like every single woman that we're talking about is adorable. And I can't separate the personality. When I see a woman who's funny and super talented, the attraction level will go way up

because smart is, I mean, you probably don't know about this. Let me just set the table for you. Intelligence is sort of a turn-on for people. You ever heard that? No, because I'm not smart enough to even understand that. The women would like you because you're high IQ. No, listen. You're not a dumb dumb. Listen, I say that women would like you because you're high IQ. No, I listen. You're not a dumb dog.

Listen, I always. You're not a dummy. If anyone likes me, it always starts with, I never like good looking guys. I always like guys like you. I'm always like, I'm so sick of like the Brad Pitts and the Johnny Depp's. I go, all right, you don't need to articulate like that.

I get what you're saying. People say to me, I never like anyone who looks like David Spade. And that's my wife, ladies and gentlemen over here. I tell it like it is, I tell it like it is. They go, I have no idea why, but I think you're so hot. That's what they think. They say on Instagram.

Oh, it's like a mystery. They go, you're actually kind of hot. You're actually kind of hot. You don't need to fucking pad it with that shit. Just say, she was my friends and I can't believe you're my celebrity crush. So it's like a news flash, like, I swear to God I'm not lying right now,

but I'm actually attracted to you physically. Isn't that fucking crazy? And this isn't a joke. This isn't a joke. This is not an album. I'm not doing a Netflix special about being attracted to David Spade, but I'm telling you.

God damn, it's horrifying. I can't help it. Thank you for watching. We did a lot, we did an hour, didn't we? God damn, what the? Why do these people get so much for their free money? Fee five fo mode. I smell a second episode.

This is a two-parter. As long as I go fee five whatever and complete it, I'm happy. Come on, come on in the hall, I'm going to show you too far. We're going to end with Scrooge. Thanks guys. See you next week. Send us your advice questions.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brill's Entertainment, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!