Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #22 - Chaos, Hawk Tuah, & Dating Advice w/ Lovitz

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

The guys are joined by close friend Jon Lovitz to discuss McDonalds, Justin Timberlake, 90's parties, Hawk Tuah girl, Biden v. Trump, and dating advice. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. I have a question for you two. Oh boy. I saw this video of this girl and she goes, I'm a furry. And then she goes, here's how I talk to my friends. So if I'm happy, I'm like, meow. If I'm angry, I go, meow.

Do you think that human beings that identify as cats are actually cats? I don't, but do you? John, give us your best face. Go toward the camera. No, you're handsome man. Oh, handsome man. It's pretty good.

It's like Master Thesvian with the one eye. I just realized that doesn't he kind of lazy. I'm one eyes kind of open. Master Thesvian. Hello. Very handsome man. Now the world's ugliest man. The happiest man.

The saddest man. This has been Superfly and this has been John Lovis. Oh. The quizzical man. Okay, you're passed. Curious. Why is he doing what we're telling him? I don't know, I like it though. Someone who has to poo. Oh, that's your regular face. I'm just trying to make John happy.

Someone who bought the worst covering of a couch in history. Oh, that's your regular face because it's right behind you. the worst covering of a couch in history. Oh, that's your regular face because it's right behind you. That belongs in a Native American casino. Where do you live? In a teepee? Welcome to Superfly. Welcome to Superfly. I want to hear about Dana's gig this weekend and then we'll get to you in about 40 minutes.

Go ahead. Well, first of all, I just want to tell about my adventure at McDonald's. OK. Driving today, I go in the bathroom. The urinal is running just all over the floor. Oh, that's where you go. Then I go through the drive through and there's a guy where you pay and he doesn't move. There's cars, two cars and a guy where you pay doesn't move for 25 minutes.

And it's behind us. No one's honking. So I go, finally, I get to go up there and the woman says, we don't have receipts. We have no receipts. So that guy was fighting for upset. He couldn't get a receipt for his Big Mac. What kind of accountant at the end of

the year says, I've got this bill from McDonald's and Gilroy and I've got no goddamn receipt. You want to get audited, bitch? And that's your best friend is your accountant. You red flag motherfucker. I have a McDonald's story when you said the guy didn't move. There was a guy, I was late, I was getting breakfast and the guy in front of me, for 10 minutes he's ordering. I got so frustrated, I yelled, I go,

I go pick a number for God's sake, it's McDonald's. And the guy spazzes out. And I'm like, he has Tourette's. So now we get, he goes to pay. And I, so now I just want to see him do it again. So I screamed, I go, hurry up. And he goes, just goes nuts. I'm laughing my head off. I drive up.

I said to the guy, I go, what's wrong with that guy? What do you have special needs in you? He goes, yeah. Oh, rude. Did you hold him like a baby after that? Give him a kiss on the cheek and say daddy's man. You know the guy said in the car behind you, does that guy have special needs? No, he had Tourette's.

It was very funny. I have a McDonald's story. Everyone has one. Great. Okay. Go David. So I'm in line at McDonald's driving through and there's a kind of a, not a hobo, but whatever. Is John looking at himself? John's admiring himself.

In the zoom? What a loser. Yeah, he turned his chin and he smiled. Focus on my fake story. So let's hear your fake McDonald's. I'm just trying to get in the game with you guys. So I wait and there's a guy sleeping under the, or you order fine, you know? So I say, uh, I go quarter pound with cheese. I go, uh, hot apple pie, diet Coke. And then I hear he stands up and leans in and goes, and some fries? And he jumps back and I go, no, that wasn't me. That wasn't me.

That, that, and then I, how many times does that work in a day where then I go up to get my food and I'm going to be like, that was you, that was you at a filet. Oh wait, who are you? Wait a second. But it worked. I got his fries, they put them in and then when he came up the window, I gave him his fries. But what a good scam. Does that all day. And that guy was Dana? That was Rob Schneider. Yes.

What? That's not true. Dana, you like eat like a health nut? What were you doing eating McDonald's? I'm just shocked you were there. Well because I was on the road and I was in a hurry and my car kept saying pull over, you're driving erratic. So I just needed some quick carbohydrates. I got an A McMuffin. Your car said.

Well, yeah. Hey, what you think about pulling over? The funny thing about I played a casino this past weekend and I went to get room service before the show. I was doing two shows and they go, Oh, I'm going to I'm going to have to call the front desk. And so they call the front desk and then two people call back on the phone and said, I'm sorry, you can't order room service.

And I go, I didn't want to say, well, I'm headlining the casino. You know, Dan Darnie. You know, so I was the only person in the hotel. It was a thousand people that could not have room service. But I'm not bitter. They say why? I think it's because when I got there, I pulled out. I said card for incidentals. I had two friends with me and she waved me off. No,

no, no. Everything's on the house. That's why you're taking care of. They said we have food vouchers and they would find my friend in the casino. They chased them down in the casino. You're with Dana Carvey. Have you picked up your vouchers? Where's your voucher? You gotta have a voucher. Go, go, Dana. If they stand up at the end, is that a good thing or? I want to hear more about the vouchers. Oh, here's your vouchers. No, I mean, I think it's great to have vouchers. I mean, but anyway. I know. I eat.

John, luckily you don't have your earplugs in. Two shows, John. Two, John. No, I didn, John, luckily you don't have your earplugs in. Two shows, John. Two, John. No, I can hear you both. I know, we can't hear you is the problem. Yeah, you can. Why doesn't he have the earphones in? That's what normal people have.

Cause I can hear him without them. Sound like you're in an aquarium. Why do I need them? I can hear them without them. It'll make the sound better for us All right. Are you gonna? John like my I like when he preens and primps for the people who are listening to this podcast John cannot stop admiring himself Actually, do you have ring lights? You do look pretty good. Do you have some better light?

No, I just I I lost some weights. I'm very, I think I look better. You look nice. Uh, you do. You look good. I have, I'm going to go back to McDonald's. I have one more thing while John is printing. Okay.

Wait, David, just quickly. So John, so you don't, you don't have headphones. That's the answer or earbuds. Your earbuds. No, I can hear, I can hear you. It's not that it's weird. We're getting an echo from... We have to keep all this because people need to know what we deal with. People have to know. John does not want to put in his earbuds because he's admiring himself. He's lost a few pounds.

He looks great. Yeah. And I can't stand it. I don't like the new John. Yeah. It's like guys that have a white, a bright window behind him. They go, I can see you fine. You go, we can't see you. If you put it in John, then we'll, your sound won't drop out when we talk. Put it in. Quit acting so put out by this. He's like, oh, this is a great episode.

I like this episode because this is the real, da da, ba ba ba da. This silly bitch! Right there! This bitch! This little bitch was playing bitch games with us. Look at those... If it's Joe Rogan, he's like, I have five headphones I'll wear!

I'm a human headphone, Mr. Rogan! Whatever, I'm told! You don't like this couch? I'll cut it up with a knife!. Can you can you hear me princess? Princess Leah, can you hear me? Oh my god, this is this is Harrison Ford Now I look like Princess Leia from Star Wars that's what I just said Please let's keep all this.

It just shows what I have to deal with. First comes headphones. You remind me of that other character, Chew Kaka. Every time I think of this period. He's not Queen Looney. Who me? What? Let the blood flow.

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You can hear through the headphones and you're doing fine, right? I just, I'm worried about you. Yes. Okay. Just the fact that you were not talking for three seconds, I thought something was wrong. Okay, so I don't like when I, well, first of all, when I go to McDonald's, I say, do you have the filet of, I say, wait, hang on.

When I go to McDonald's, I go, what's the filet of fish of the day? I go, yesterday I think it was a branzino. Oh, it's a big laugh. Yeah. And then other thing is, which reminded me at a restaurant last night, I like fish and guys tell me if I'm way off. I like fish, but I like big fish and I cannot lie.

I smell my glass and if anything smells fishy, it makes me sick. So I do like fish in quotes, but even... Can you wait for the end or anything? Let me get the punchline out. I took a joke ruining class. It's like, when do I cough? Got the punchline? Yeah.

Oh, that's perfect. So this is a real story. So if I eat fish and it's fishy, I don't like that. You know what I'm saying? Like if it smells, you go, this smells fishy, even though it's a fish. You fucking assholes. I hate you both. David, don't order Branzino.

It's made in a lab. It's like an artificial, smelly, fucking freak of a fish. Never order brand Xeno. It's made in a lab. It's like an artificial smelly fucking freak of a fish. Never order brand Xeno. Why are we focusing on this part of the joke? Everything's gone sideways. I didn't want to interrupt you, but I kept thinking for the last minute while you're going for your punchline brand Xeno. Don't ever order brand Xeno.

It's made in a lab. Lauren told me that it's made in a lab. It's for, it's for rookies. Uh, okay. So that's that. It, and, uh, maybe we should have headlines and we should, let's talk about some headlines because then we'll have something to talk about. This is one question.

Okay. I think you guys said this is a, they can hear it, but they can't see it. This podcast. No, no, they can see it on YouTube. Oh, that's, that's why your bits are playing. So that's why, yeah. You look great, John. I'll continue this. Did you get a little, little, little help? Did you get a little help? Okay. We're going to just show things that are happening in the news. John, feel free to cough or tell a joke. So this is for people driving. This is a picture of Justin Timberlake.

Sorry, David. Go. My only comment. He did get an inordinate amount of a press for this. Um, I will say he looks great and he almost looks too good. And now I'm getting mad about it because every blurry headshot I see in the paper, it looks like it was taken through a shower curtain. He has a fucking ring light. This is like if Kim K got pulled over.

Remember when she went to the DMV, she took 27 practice pictures with a ring light to get her license. This has five to that, which I'm not hating. I would do it. He looks good. It was, they were piling on too much, too much. He was going five miles an hour. No one got hurt. It feels like I read, because I'm all up on the tabloids, that they told him beforehand, don't drive. The police said, hey, maybe you should. But that's rumors. And then he gets this cover of Rolling Stone headshot taking my Mark Seliger.

And then his tour went up, his sales went up. So it's always... He looks great. He doesn't look like some kind of homeless alcohol. He doesn't look like... He looks great. John, whenever you're ready, jump in. Well, I already said he had one martini and that was it. And so my question is, if that's true,

then why did he refuse the breathalyzer test? But that being said, I've met him many times. He's a very nice guy. I knew someone would throw that in. I knew someone would say he's a great guy. He's extremely talented. Of course, we all like him. He's super nice guy.

I take him. I take him at his word. I read him at the 40th and the 30th. That's only 20th. The guy can sing and dance, and he's very funny on SNL, too. I met him in the 90s when he was dead. You I came off an elevator at a hotel and and he and Britney Spears were standing in the hallway talking Spear. I came off an elevator at a hotel and he and Britney Spear were standing in the hallway talking. Spear.

Spears. That's a great story. That's a terrific story, John. They were in the hallway talking. David, what about that? I got off the elevator and there they were. That's an incredible story. Save it for Ellen. Now listen, what about, oh, let's show that next one. That's the party. Greg, do you have that one? That's the party.

I want to show this thing. Look at Jerry. Jerry, are you guys on your way to the dentist? I don't want to keep you. Look at Jerry's tubes. John takes good care. Oh, John Lovitz from the 90s. Oh shit, we can start with this one.

Okay. Now this is Debbie Gibson's 18th birthday as a rager. Okay, go back. Oh, I think it was Ed DeBevix. Okay, that's, wait is that Will Wheaton? Oh, maybe. And Alyssa Milano. Okay, next one.

Is that? We should have started with love. It's that is Baywatch. Yeah, her name is Baywatch. And they hired her on the show. Is that Nicole Haggart? Yes. Yes. OK, keep on. Next one.

That's that's Joe Piscopo. William Zapka. No. And Brandy? No, that is... That's Joe Biden. No, that's Brian Robbins. Okay. Who's Steve?

Okay. That's the girl from Can't Buy Me Love, I think. Oh, wow. Remember that show, that movie with Patrick, whatever. 1988. Get ready for this mic dropper coming up. Are you ready for this? Okay. Yay.

Wow. Yeah. By the way, look at your lovely wife, Paula. Ready for this? Ah! Ah! Ah! Yay! Wow. Wow. Yeah. By the way, look at your lovely wife Paula. You don't have to show this one if you don't want, but lovely Paula and Dana.

She's adorable, but it's a bit of an odd picture of her. But yeah. Look at the comments on the side. Someone goes, when I saw the caption, I said, "'No way, Lovett's got the invite. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Ha ha. The other one says, the most unexpected Lovett. Ha ha. Yeah, because this website, it shows all these events. From the 90s. And I'm like at all of them. And it's the big joke. That's right.

Now, by the way, in fairness, I was a. I used to go out a lot. They were fun. It was really fun back then. Look's right. Now, by the way, in fairness, I was a, I used to go out a lot. It was, they were fun. It was really fun back then. Look at this. It says, I miss celebrities with normal teeth because everyone has veneers. I know. I go to the next one. Let's see who else there. Oh, that's Tammy, Tammy Knopfler. I made it up.

Oh, it's Tammy Faye Baker. It's Tammy Noffler, not Faye Baker. So that's who? That's go ahead, John. Who is it? Oh, Shannon Doherty. OK, yeah. Our boy. Our boy.

Anthony Michael Hall. John, you are on the show with him. Is that Anthony Michael Hall, John? No, it doesn't look like him. Maybe it is. He looks different. I'm not sure. I think it is. It is, yeah.

Oh, it is? I think that's it. Okay. Now that's Debbie Gibson. Debbie Gibson. And listen. She had the hoop earrings and the kind of boy George hat on.

By the way, there's no one could have stopped me from wearing that. Ellen DeGeneres. No, from Roddy Kidd. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, I was just kidding. Look at on the right. And the guy says the most unexpected love of its appearance. I apologize for underestimating his attendance rate. That's pretty funny.

I know, John Lovitz can be found anywhere, anytime. Six floors under there. I said this website, they show every event from, apparently I was at like almost every single one. Listen, I was in premiere whore too. I went to premieres more than I went to parties, but I'd go to like true lies. I go to fricking matrix, whatever. It was fun.

Right. Well, if you're on SNL, how many shows did you do on SNL? 130 or something, David. Oh me probably six years, one 20. Yeah. So every show, as people know, has an all night party with giant celebrities dropping in. Really? Well, I remember Sting just watching you. Oh yeah. John, I remember you were on the show. It was from 85 to 90. You had hit characters. Remember the Master Thespian? But also sometimes the host would say, hey, come to my premiere if you guys are in LA next week.

And so they did the show. She go, okay, we'll go to your premiere. Right? Well, Willie Nelson invited us to Texas. This was my first season to play golf. Well, Willie Nelson invited us to Texas. This was my first season to play golf. I was very, he was really nice. I didn't get that in. He was very nice. He's got a memory.

I saw him at this event. He goes, John, last time I saw you was at Saturday night live. I was about to say it. I go, oh yeah, you remember. Then I saw him 20 years later. He goes, last time I saw you was at Saturday Night Live. I was about to say it and I go, oh yeah, you remember. Then I saw him 20 years later. He goes, last time I saw you was at that event 20 years ago. You remembered that? The guy remembers. That shows you that cannabis does not affect your memory.

Right. He remembers everything. Yeah. All right, show another one. This might be the coach one. You have that one? Oh, this is funny. Oh, we'll go back to the original girl. Do you know who the Hawk Tooie girl is, Dana? No.

It's a girl that's blowing up right now. Because they interview these people when they're drunk outside of a bar, and people always say dumb things. It's the oldest trick in the book. Smart. Then the YouTuber gets all the views and all the attention. But this...

And the question was... Heather is popping up. The question was, which they'll do, this is the original. Well, how do you do, what do you do to keep your man? No, it's something, what do you do to satisfy him in bed? Satisfy your man in bed. The first girl says, oh, I'm enough for... And then the other girl just jumps in and says this

Okay, so Look at Dana's horrified. What do you say? Are you sure she surfaced with merch? I saw a picture of her signing a merch pack. Oh, her? Yeah. Oh, you should have sent it in. Yeah, well, she's on every most famous person in the world

right now. Of course, we want her to come on here and talk about her. I think she's a teacher, because look at this. There's probably 1 million follow-up memes this. There's probably one million follow up memes. This here's just one of them. Because everyone keeps playing that video. Anything could seem funny out of context. That's Sean Penn, name of the movie, Sean, with the Clint Eastwood movie, I think.

It was called Is My Daughter In There? That was the title of the movie. No, wasn't that the one where Tim Robbins is a little slow? Sleepers. Yeah. No. That one where he won an Oscar? What was that one called? Oh, River Runs Through It.

River Runs Through It. No, that's Robert Redford up in Montana. Something with the River. Mystic River. Mystic River. Mystic River. Mr. Rogers. Oh, I got it wrong.

No, the working title was Is That My Daughter In There? The working title was Hawkeye Part 3. I made Sean laugh. I ran into him. I go, Sean, you're a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.

I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. No, the working title was, is that my daughter in there? The working title was Hot Chewy Part 3. I made Sean laugh. I ran into him. I go, Sean, you're such a nice guy. I want this movie. All of a sudden you're like stabbing Tim Robbins.

I go, what is wrong with you? Spoiler. Spoiler alert. I like when people go, don't tell now I can't watch it. If I couldn't differentiate between a movie and real life, this might be her. This might be her. She's young, but she's a teacher. On the right or the left.

She immediately got fired because of that Hawk 2-ey thing. Yeah. Here she is at a Burke Chrysler show. No, uh, yeah, cause the Hawk Two-ey thing. Well, that's Jack Black. Oh, that does look like Jack Black. Jack has a nice big beard right now. Oh yeah, we gotta get Jack Black on.

Yeah. I like Jack Black. David. Can you talk about the Bruce Lee on your wall on it? Is that on a skateboard? You know, funny story. You know, not really funny story. That was a present. And the one over there is my brother has a company called Jack Spade.

Obviously they used to have Kate Spade. So Jack Spade was the men's line and he made just a handful of Jack Spade skateboards, sent me one. And then some a fucking skater skater boy and then I got that Bruce Lee one from one of our friends and it's great so I put it up it's kind of cool but I don't use them it's more artsy look at John just staring he asked a question then he falls asleep I'm not listening I'm listening and not interrupting.

How was John Lovitz? He was a great listener. You're awake, John up with here's a Japanese man in an earthquake. We saw it was so good. Oh, boy. Well, you know, don't you do? Well, what do you do? I guess it's OK. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. I guess it's okay. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, John. I like John's not interrupting. I don't know what to do. I can't win. All right, here's another one. So look at in this universe, Kevin in Home Alone. Remember Trump was in it as a cameo?

Here's the cameo if Biden was in it. Excuse me, where's the lobby? Thanks. No, Heather's going no, no, that's not right. I think it was too loud. It was fucking gross. Well, there's rumors that he does have a flatulence problem that McCrone's wife had to literally back off.

She almost passed out. She was like this. He was giving a speech. Yeah, because I'd flatulence. They said he crapped his pants. Yeah, I know. He went to Europe to make peace and said he shit his pants and passed out. He made poops.

No, come on. Threw up on the Japanese guy. Could I, could I tell a short thing about that? Oh yeah. Yeah. Tell us. So there was an article in the New York times. Marine Dowd said they're running Joe too hard. So part of Joe being tired just to defend him a little bit, he's 82. They fly him to Europe. Then they fly him back to do an event in New York. Then they fly him to Italy. Then they these are all just in a few day period.

Then they find me gases up in Newark and gases up. Then he flies to an event. That's where Obama pulled them off the stage. So you got to slow down. Ronald Reagan, a summit in Japan took a week to go there. Nancy insisted so he'd be rested. They flew to California. They went to the ranch. They rode horses. Hawaii, Guam, they surfed, they relaxed. He showed up rested. George Bush senior went over there flying too hard. So then he threw up. So they got to slow Joe down. Don't whip a guy like that around the globe. Jet lag is a mofo. Can he sleep on the plane? They have a bed. You could sleep on the plane.

I'm sleep during the story. It was more informational. Slow Joe down. I packed him an ice and game of two B 12 shots this week to rest for the debates, which was last night. They pack them an ice in the back, like of a ship, like of a tuna boat. They put Joe in the back of a plane. Let me ask you this. Do you think that candidates will have earpieces in their ears, telling them what to say. You mean from the debate that happened last night? Yeah, the big debate last night. Do you think they had ear?

Last night? Well, this comes out Friday. We can edit this. Last night? Oh, yeah. You know, so John, let's start again. You mean the debate from last night? Yeah, that one. You know, I have to say though, that's the ticket. This reminds me of when they say, it's not special.

Go ahead and take the bite. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. I always stay quiet for a catchphrase. Okay. So the Biden gets to pick, is it true that he gets to pick? It reminds me of a Jake Paul fight where you go, okay. So you know, Jake Paul fight, Tyson, he gets to pick the judges, makes the rules off. It's always harder, but listen, I just want to see a fair fight. I just want to see a fair fight. I just want to see an actual fight.

I just want to see an actual fair fist fight. From last night's debate? Yeah. Oh yeah. From the debate I already saw. I saw a great, the most generic way we could say is like, it was, it was something else. It was a real, that was, shit went down. Biden was okay.

And they. A lot of surprises. Pretty interesting. They came out swinging. They both were talking. They both said a lot of things. They've said very little with a lot of words. They both had some misses, had some hits. Jealous?

Jealous? What if, like, it turned out that they both just, like, took last battle control, but we haven't seen it, so we don't know. They're like, why aren't they talking about it? We're doing everything we can and we're working. We're doing everything we know what we're doing it and we're going to do more of it. I'm sorry. Did both candidates have the brand Zeno from McDonald's? Yeah, because of come on, you gotta do this better sir. I can go to bed sir. I told you I'm punchy.

I'm so sorry. I apologize, John. Dana drove six hours. Okay, show one more story and then we'll do advice and get John out of here. This counts as a show. Oh, this is a- Wait, I don't want to leave. Uh, show, let's do advice.

I guess this is an advice. Okay. Here's a love advice. Sean, you can start. Well, we've never seen these. Okay. Hey Dana and David Brooks Lawrence here from Washington, DC. Big fan.

Uh, been a huge fan for a long time now since the SNL days. Um, I'm 37 years old and I still haven't found love. I've been a huge fan for a long time now since the SNL days. I'm 37 years old and I still haven't found love. And I was hoping to maybe get some advice from both of you, but specifically David. And I made a little video for you. Video on top of the video? Oh, that's me. So a montage of David's.

See, it's been hard So a montage of David's. See, it's been hard for me to find love. At 37 years old, I didn't think it would be possible. But looking at David throughout his career of having hot chicks on his arm, I think maybe it's possible that a schmuck like me can find love and I'd really love to hear from David to see if that might be possible So thank you for your consideration and please for the love of God help me find love Montage of David's love interest this is my favorite part. Oh, there's David with the whole gang, Chris Rock. And Dana! Yeah, there we are.

Well. Can you help me find love? Why am I his favorite? He's got a Sandler shirt on for starters, but that's fine. Was it, was cleverly done. I assumed it was a joke that, because the first thing I would say is don't have a T shirt that says Adam Sandler.

If you want to be cool with if you're over 11, um, no, that's fine. No, um, no, let's hear from John on this. You're both single. Well, he wants to hear from David. I know, but you're our guest. So we have to struggle through your answer. Yeah. You have any thoughts?

My advice would be S spade. He's, he's, you're right. He gets lots, lots of beautiful women in his life. No, this guy seems like a good dude. Uh, it is hard out there. I don't have any great advice. I would say the more normal you are, it helps. I'm not that normal but for a comedian I'm not that crazy. For a comedian, for a normal person I'm crazy. But for this world you guys are pretty level-headed that's why I like to hang out with you. But if you're pretty normal with someone over time no one likes me right away. It takes a long time. So if you are nice, these girls,

it's a tough world with Instagram and everyone's bragging and you gotta be six, five in finance and make 500K a year. It's so tough out there. So it's an uphill battle, I will say that. If you can be famous, do it. If you can't, then it's gonna be tough. I remember until I was known it was pure crickets, nothing, no one, nobody cared. So I guess that's it. John, anything you want to add to that?

Yeah, I would go to, I don't know what city he's in, but I would go to like Nashville, south and you'll meet someone there. Nice southern girls. Because they're not all narcissistic. Near as head to belly. No, they're about what can I do for you? Not what can you do for me? They're not looking in the mirror

and taking photos of themselves. That's a narcissist. You gotta forget those girls. Oh. The south, Chicago, the Midwest, they're the nicest people ever. Head South. I have one word for him. Thailand. Thailand. That's the best advice. Go to Thailand. Shortest and best. Game over. Okay. Spudmeister and the Carvmeister.

My wife, who is a hawk, too, a sexy fitness instructor. I've been married to for 30 fun, fantastic years. Does he underline that? Uh, but she keeps playing. If you like Pini Colada song over and over, should I be worried? Just kidding. What's your dating advice to spice up our relationship? How long have we been together? 30 years, 30 years to spice it up.

Love your super fan, rock star, Bruce Kee. Dana, you take this one. Spice up your relationship. 30 years. I'm thinking what I'd like to share or not share. Maybe some paprika? That's a spice. I should go meet at a bar and pretend you're different people and then try to hit

on her and act like you're someone else. That's pretty good. That's something, right? I like that. Pretend you're different people even though you've been married for 30 years. John, it's pretend. I would say pretend like you're still single in the sense of how you take care of yourself, pretend that you're single. No, not, well, not that part, but try to, you know, take, take care of yourself.

And, you know, just as if you're, if you're still try to be dating basically. He says, what's your dating advice? Keep the marketing campaign up because you can't just let yourself fall apart. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, just do the best you can. I don't know. No, you don't.

Don't. Fine, that's a good one. And what's John's? John, what's yours? Get rich? I don't even understand the question. Jesus. Got to walk this guy through. The one on the bottom here?

Is that another one? Okay. Let's move on. Hello. I'm a huge fan. I'm a fan of David since I was young and my dad forced my brother and I to watch Tommy Boy basically once a week. But I'm 26 and have been single for three years now.

I've tried every day now possible and zero luck. Should I start dating losers, comedians or both? Cananda, Harabee. They're the same. Is that the question? It's all dating. Should I try dating loser comedians? Is that a guy, Kenny? You do one of you two didn't know I was going to be on the show.

I'll say this, I'll change it. John, is it harder to date comedians? Well, most of the comedians I know are they're very smart, they're very funny, and they all have problems with their father and they're angry, so it's tough. Are you angry? A lot of them, when they're younger. I'll agree.

Well, I don't know. I think it's tough meeting somebody on an app because you're not meeting them. You're just looking at a photo and then you're reading what they say and you're interpreting what they wrote in your own way. So none of it's accurate. So I think it's better to meet people in person. Go to places that you figure out what you like to do in your spare time and go to those places and you'll meet other people that are there because they enjoy it and they'll

be there. Right. That's a good idea. And meet them in person. Meeting in a club is hard. You can't really talk. I see what you're talking about. If you like going to clubs, you can go there. But online, I think it's... I think the people online, they're not looking for relationships. They're looking to have sex. Right. And if you can meet in person, it's a lot different. Right David? You're on those apps. Am I right? Mm.

No, but thank you. No, I say if you meet people in person, it's very different than just photos and talking online. So if you meet people in person, a lot of people want to meet people in real life. That's very hard to do these days. Uh, oh, here's one. Here's an hard to do these days. Oh, here's one. Here's an app called Fly Me Out. It's a dating app where you can apply for trips and then dudes will say, hey, I'm going

to Miami for a week. We want four girls to come and they say, we want to go. It's an app. Do you understand this, John? This is what's happened to the world. I get it. It's an app. Do you understand this, John? This is what's happened to the world. I get it. At the seams. So my advice for it anyway, it's girls look for free trips and they have nothing to do with the guy. Yeah. It's a great app. It's a great app. They're like, thanks for the trip in the hotel. Bye.

And they're like, thanks for the trip in the hotel, bye. Sayonara sucker. Bye, Felicia. Or they might say this, bye bye. Oh. Or they might say goodbye. Bye everybody, goodbye. Everyone has a good bike. Catch race.

Goodbye everybody, goodbye. Here's John everywhere. Hey, fly me out. Here, I have a friend, you know, anyway, friend who dates a lot of girls and then, and they'll go, can you take me to the mall? And then they'll want him to buy him, he doesn't even know him by a $5,000 purse. To me, that's as they say in Yiddish,

chutzpah, balls plus nerve, and they expect it. You don't even know him. It's prostitution. Yeah, I know it's hard because it feels like there's a new world where. People are like, if it's not a serious relationship, they're like, OK, what sort of business deal is going on? I've had that happen to me once, and it was but it was when I was in silent life

and I met Dana Carvey for the first time. And he goes, do you want to write a sketch, John? I said to him, do you want to write a sketch? He goes, yeah, but you need to buy me a purse. And then I'll write a sketch with you. And we had to go to a- She said, let me buy a sketch. 5th Avenue.

And I had to buy him like this $5,000 purse. And then we wrote the sketch. I thought the joke was over. I saw it in our fitting. Was the joke over? Was I done talking? I think David, I think it's David who talks over people now. I agree. I've been doing a lot of this one.

And David's phoning it in. I said to you, do you want to write a sketch? And you said, well, can you buy me some diapers? Okay. So I went to write aid and got some depends. And you said, let's write. All right, here we go. That's all true. John, do you have any final thoughts, like a summary of your time here? Well, I just appreciate you having me on your show. I, as usual, everyone says they're always free. We'll come up.

If you listen to Dana and David's podcast, they're always talking about you. And I said, well, we're friends. Yeah. But I'm glad that I can contribute. Do you have any standup dates in July? Yeah, where you got any standup dates, John, coming up? No, not for a while, not till like October and November. And I got to get some more.

I want to talk to you going on. August 1st. August 1st. Excuse me, David. August 1st, I'll be doing my musical comedy show at the Jazz Club Vibrato. Yes. That's in LA. I saw this show. It's great.

You have a full of five, four, five- Beverly Glenn in Los Angeles. Yeah, I have a four-piece band and the, the piano, the Rangers, Randy Walden who he's worked with Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson. He produces George Benson. Anyway, it's a great band. Shut up, David. And John Lovitz has probably the- Can I sing and tell jokes? Can you give us just, sing fly me to the moon.

Just one line. So people fly me to the moon. Oh, John is quite, quite a singer. What was I singing during golf? Ragstirage. This for some reason it was stuck on my head. Well, there's Johnny. Yeah. From the Tijuana brass, he and his daughter, great. Danny should take Paula. It's good. It's fun. Time.

No cops. Oh, no cops. You're like Madonna. John Lovitz August 1st at vibrato's in it only 138 people. You better get you tickets. It will sell out. It sold get you tickets it will sell out it sold out last time yeah and it sold out the time before that they keep bringing me back they like the show what is that do you get it oh yeah i think it'd be a good show it is a good show no i think it could be a really good show. No, it doesn't could be. It is. Thanks for coming on, John.

I'm like a cat when they have the camera. But I have a question for you too. Oh, boy. I saw this video of this girl and she goes, I'm a furry. And then she goes, here's how I talk to my friends. So if I'm happy, I'm like, yeah. If I'm angry, I go, if I'm the anyway, do you think it, do you think that that a human beings that identify as cats are actually cats? I don't, but do you know. I ran into someone who said my pronouns are they them and I said my pronouns are what's up motherfucker? Oh. Well those are my pronouns. What's up motherfucker?

John's are poo poo pee pee. No. John's pronouns are. Mine are sir and Lord, sir. Lord. Minor. Hey, sound effect. He, I just know going up and so where do your pronouns?

I'd be, huh? Huh? What are your, I go, what? I don't know what you're talking about. What do you call go right? Oh, I don't know what you're talking about What do you call yourself? John Listen our transphobic much our viewers. No, I just don't I don't it's like what About it

Huh You I'm all for it. You apparently mock people who think they're a dog or a cat. I met a woman once. I had a date with a woman once and she said she was a cat and she opened her shirt and she had six nipples. I, and I said, do you want to get spaded? One John Lovitz on a date where the woman he finds very attractive. He will soon find out that she's a pussy cat.

This is an imitation. my friend would always do. This is a cat's butthole. Meow. Was he a comedian? How old was he? Two? We've got to have a raspberry count. Anyone making this sound? We're probably double ditches. Ditches? Oh, and bitches.

Okay. Well, John Lovitz has been our guest today. The debate was great last night. We'll say it again. Debate was great. When a car doesn't identify as a cat, he identifies as a pussy. He identifies as a cat. He identifies as a pussy. Ooh. For those listening, John is beside himself with joy. He's going in for the closeup with the big eyes

and a huge grin. Huge grin. I'm doing my cat in the camera again. The ring camera. Woo. David Spade has a disease. It's called smallpox. Let's end on that one.

That's not bad. That's a pretty good one, John. I don't know how you think of this stuff. All right. Thanks, buddy. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Shanna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!