Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #43 - Cash & Speed

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

David and Dana get into the Tyson/Paul fight, David's green-lit movie with Theo Von, animal noise impressions, high ATM fees and much more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the oil business. Billy Bob Thornton, Demi Moore and Jon Hamm star in a new Paramount Plus original series. The world has already convinced itself that you are evil and I am evil for providing them the one thing they interact with every day. You're all right, here we go! From Taylor Sheridan, executive producer of Yellowstone. Get everybody back! Go! Go! You just put a giant bullseye on this place.

We rolled the dice one last time land man new series now streaming exclusively on paramount plus I Am so dreading groceries this week why you can skip it. Oh what just like that just like that How about dinner with my third cousin skip it Prince Fluffy's favorite treats sk Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices. Eh, nope, you're on your own there. Coulda skipped it? Shoulda skipped it.

Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals, and more delivered right to your door on Skip. All right, let's do it. Three, two, one, go. We don't have a start. This is probably, it's do it. Three, two, one, go Dana. Superfly. This is probably, it's right up there with the most discombobulated I've been starting Superfly.

Tired and beat up. Discombobulated because I've not, not a complaint, just observations from doing the Friday night, last Friday, the run through for the cold opening on SNL. It goes to like 1 a.m. so forth and so on. And then the show. Yeah, they do things late and they go all night a lot.

They're young, they do a lot of, I mean, yeah. We didn't go after like 11, I don't think. No, we went, yeah, Dennis was, well anyway, Dennis was at well anyway, Dennis was at a Broadway show at seven, but, cause he had, he was up there, but just rehearsals. I mean, Andy Samberg did a video

and it was an 18 hour day the day before, but that was his primary thing. It was really funny. God dang. So then you want to stay, it's Lauren's 80th. There's a birthday cake a crazy party So you sort of turn out the light at four or five and you get up maybe five hours later Then you find your way to the airport and then it's a six hour

six and a half hour we we have to announce some headwinds and Then you know I'd be longer some headwinds and then, you know, it might be longer. It could be longer. So here I am now, but I'm, I'm very vulnerable. I could say anything. I might say something crazy because I'm so burnt out, but you know, anyway, uh, I'm full of joy and life and happiness and bounce on the other hand. You see, uh, you are literally fresh as a daisy.

Personally, literally look at this. So I have a sweater on and what I was thinking of telling you just to give you premium content and our listeners, I it's cold in LA in the morning. So I put a sweater on and then it quietly gets hot and now I'm getting mad. I ref, I don't want to take the sweater off. So I refuse. So today I'm going as long as I can without taking it off. And Heather's taking off her sweater.

As we say that she has a really thick one. I called an audible right before I saw you on the Zoom. I had a cool hoodie. I looked amazing, but I was starting to heat up. And I love a t-shirt. Like the collar is like this the day you buy it and then it's fucking, you know. Oh, it's getting loose,

little flash dance over the shoulder. I hate that so much. Dana, when you go to a hotel, now rich man's problems, of course, we call them, what do you call them? First world, we call them first world problems. So I go, hey, this is my old skateboarder magazine t-shirt, my favorite in the world, fits tight, it's all good.

They go, great. Just wash it, delicately fold it, sure. They give it back to you. They pull it over a hanger, and now it's a scoop neck, this big from shoulder to shoulder. Yeah. And they go, oh, that'll pop back. I'm like, not a chance, never will. It's for 30 years. You just stretch it out.

So now I'm rat fucked. Uh, but other than that, I, I the sweater is still on. I'm fighting it, but I don't want the heat to win. I'm like, I don't care. It's hot. I'm like, Oh, long as you don't get sweaty, but basically, yeah, if they bring back, if you put a t-shirts into laundry and they bring them back on the hanger, I just throw them right in the garbage. You're done, yeah.

That's fucking garbage. Because I look like I'm wearing sort of a low cut halter top. Yeah, and then it hangs low like a skirt, you just belt it, wear mini shorts under it, yeah. All right. I'm just, you sweat or you sweat or you sweat. That's what I'm doing today. That's my whole, that's an old Who song.

Remember that? Mm-hmm. Here's an insert on this. I had a $2,000 suit. This is in the 90s. I had to have one good suit. I don't know what it was, Armani or something. The Russian housekeeper, just happened to be Russian.

I wash good for you. She put it in a regular washer and dryer. It came out that Herve Villache would have fit it perfectly. It was just like, all close. Yeah. I have a good name for a bar, ready? It's German Bar. They serve liverwurst and all that stuff.

To make sure it's called the worst. It's called the worst with the WU. Right. And then you go, let's go. That place is the worst trademark. Hello sharks. I'll give you 5% for a million dollars. Let's go to Unser Wurst.

I love the accents I hear in the elevator in New York. Just... Fuckin' no shit. There's like a hundred. Excuse me. Could you talk in a regular language? That's kind of scaring me. I said a excuse me, could you talk in a regular language? That's kind of scaring me.

I said a lot of people have accents. They sound like John rocker all of a sudden. Okay, also we talked about my sweater. We got that out of the way. That was good. You but dialed someone here at the show at the party. And that made me laugh when I heard that because. Yeah, if you pick up a cell phone,

then you can dial anyone in the world. I once had Putin on the other line. I mean, I don't even know how. I touched my cell phone. You just touched the phone. It goes to, that's why you got to edges. I hate it. It's like, don't touch the front.

Something's happening. Yeah. I didn't even tell Kevin Neal on this, but he was doing a movie once apparently, and he butt dialed me and I listened for 37 minutes. And it was just like, let's do another take. Let's do another take. No, I didn't listen that long. But yeah, I did butt dial.

And I don't know if they heard much, but it was just at a loud party, man. All they heard was like, oh, Dana's coming out to sing Happy Birthday to Lorne in Marilyn Monroe's dress. Yeah, does he have the dress? No, he has the stretched out kind of silver t-shirt. So it looks like a dress.

I could barely hear you saying, Lorne, do we get paid here at the party or how do I get the money for the show? What do I do? He goes after that cake. I'll be honest. He's not shy about cake. Oh, really?

Oh, no. He's not a heavy gentleman, but I actually had a sliver and then I had a cholesterol test yesterday and I just got the results. Okay. You want to read them live in the air? Like Moribovitch?

It just said too much cake at the top. I don't know how they know that. They should have a cake cutter. Fucking shark tank again. They should have a shit, a cake cutter that just cuts it in slivers. Cause everybody doesn't want a full piece. Just give me a little sliver. Yeah. Well, they, they have a thing called a knife and it pretty much does that.

So no, no, no, I can't. I can't your knife come back with a, okay, you have 10 seconds. Try to think of something you could monetize in your life. I'm saying a cake sliver cutter. It's just a sharp knife. You call it a sliver cutter. Okay. Well, I don't have any good ideas. That's it. That's all right. I've got the pie scooper.

So you're able to put ice cream on top of the cherry pie and then you can scoop it up. And my scooper is designed in a way it keeps the ice cream in it. Oh, by the way, in other news, Busboys is happening now, Dana. You're kidding! Busboys is a Go proj. Wow. Can you tell me what it is about? What do you mean Busboys?

It's a movie. I think it's a movie. The Busboys are... Let's start the promotion right here. Yes. Spade and Theo Vaughn are two losers's a movie. Yes. Uh, Spade and Theo Von are two losers. Of course. It's kind of like, you know, dumb and dumb or something.

We're just two guys that are bus boys and think that becoming a waiter is the ultimate goal and we'll really straighten out our loser lives. I won't say. Why are you bus boys? Well, uh, my girlfriend leaves me and we have nothing or no one in our town likes us. We're, we're driving to see my girl. I find out she's cheating.

And I said, dude, let's just go to Mexico. All good things happen in Mexico. And he goes, I've heard that. And then we get to Mexico and then we see a sign that says, And then we kick it to Mexico. And then we see a sign that says, cause she left me for a waiter. So I want to be a waiter. So basically you're a senior bus boys. Cause normally you think of bus boys, late teens, 20s. The oldest bus boys in America.

Yeah. And then you, everything goes awry and you just head to Mexico for an adventure. A bad idea. Yeah. And does mayhem ensue adventure. A bad idea, yeah. And does mayhem ensue? Not right away, but yeah. But I think Theo's really funny.

He's got that really quirky way of talking and then juxtapose with you. Count me in, I'm sure Pluto.com is gonna love Premier. I'll be, it's the Penny saver magazine is doing a new streaming service. So it's a first for them. So yeah, I thought brought to you by Newman's own Italian dressing. No, it's Italian dressing as a streaming service. Yeah. Yeah.

We'll just put on their website. Yeah. Uh, Theo is interesting, dude. And, uh, I'm the, I think I'm the smarter of the two dumb asses. It sounds like you've got kind of a southerner, uh, not quite as big Chris Farley on your hands, a loose cannon. Well, I think if you have, I'm always sort of grounded a little bit in reality in movies, just because of my disposition and demeanor, I guess. But I've never the crazy over the top.

So if I do a movie with Jim Carrey, I would let him handle that part. Even though it is fun to do that stuff. But even wrong Missy, I was the Ben Stiller in, you know, something about Mary or Meet the Parents where everything's crazy and you're just trying to hold it together. And then-

But I mean, there has to be a movie where you're not the straight man. You're funny in the way you act. No, this isn't really the straight man. This is two guys are funny. And so it's really us. You know, I heard that was a funny joke on Weekend Update. I think you were there about Mike Tyson fight, which was,

it wound up being Mike Tyson and Jake Paul against the audience. Defeat the world or something. Yeah, those two. Yeah, because it was such a, and listen, we love Ted and Netflix did a great job. I mean, that's, they got what they want. A big showy thing that everyone would watch. We got that part. It's the most watched boxing match in the history of the world. Go ahead.

I didn't know that is actually true. 60 million. Yeah. Oh yeah. So is that more like the rumble in the jungle or. Thrilla Manila. I think so. Yeah.

The tangle in the weeds. Thrilla Manila? I think so. Yeah, The Tangle in the Weeds. That was Frazier and Norton. The fucking Skirmish and the Burmish. But I like this Busboy movie. I want this to be the beginning of the people having awareness. You know? I would say it's a trilogy, but it's actually 15. So, whatever that is.

Just for a second, I'm gonna work on the trailer. Spade. Pow. Vaughn. Pow. One in. Buzz Boys. Pow.

I'll get your server for you. Hey buddy, let's go to Mexico. And then it goes, coming soon. That's all they get. That's all they get. And then cut to you with senioritas. You got some bro. Cut a little. Yeah. Cut. That's all they get. And then cut to you as senioritas, you got some bro, a cutlero, pa' la petita.

Yeah. Yeah, cut to a stress is something crazy going on. I've told you on this podcast about Love It's An Eyes, billionaire bus boys. Billionaire bus boys, yeah, Love It's talks about that sometimes. Yeah. You know that's my idea.

I go, well, yeah. I think it was both of our ideas, but billionaire busboys that have to be employed as busboys to keep their inheritance. I guess Loveson and I were brothers. Is it like Brewster's Millions or something? Well, it's kind of like then they would be just super obnoxious to people.

They would sit, the guys sit in the eating, they would just sit down and eat their food. They're trying to get fired because then they get 24 hours of fun before they... So they're just the most obnoxious bus boys in the world. And then we had a theme song. Do you guys have a song? Like ghost buses?

No, I'm trying to connect with... Bus boys. Oh yeah. Who are you going to call? Bus boys. When you need more water, who are you gonna call? So when might this film be completed and edited? January we start.

Okay, so you'll be early 26 or you're gonna get it out by next summer? If you edit as you go along. What's next year, 2025? I guess it will be in 2025. 2025. You can't let comedy rot. I don't like when it sits.

I don't like a special sitting. I don't like any joke sitting. Someone else does something like it. Especially if you and John Rush, billionaire busboys in green light it. You might, that might come out first. We couldn't even get it on as a sketch of Saturday Night Live. The busboys ride off into the sunset.

Right, okay. We are the, it's gonna be called the oldest busboys in the world. That's just the first idea. But we are, anyway, it came out pretty funny. We wrote it together and he's a very funny dude. But we can move on to more topical. Well, Christmas is coming and you know,

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It used to be something you'd get after like Bob Wire. That's what we call it. That's what we call the Wirecutter. Yeah. I had a couple shots of wire cutter last night. But yeah, I don't need wire cutter to tell me. This is a good gift. No, it's a gift of unlimited learning.

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or download the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N, Rakuten.ca or download the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N Rakuten.ca. I will say lastly, the last thing, and I bet I hear one more word about the Jake Paul fight, is the Jake Paul fight, when all the dust settles, I feel like they did it, and the way out of being a good fight was, this was for entertainment purposes,

like a exhibition entertainment match. But the problem is, there was no entertainment. So now, I'm suing over that. Let's take some calls. It was- That's a big statement, what I just made. Someone said that Logan Paul, who probably is a very normal sweet guy, but he knows how to stir the pot.

I like how you have to start with that every time. A normal sweet guy. The greatest guy in the world, yeah, I love this guy. But he learned that he could play the bad guy, and then his clicks and views and money and fights and ex... You know, it was really good for him. And so it was a show. Um...

Well, did you know this part? What? Um, just to interrupt your thought. Logan, I think you said Jake. I think you said Jake or Logan, but... Oh, which one is it? At the beginning of the fight, Jake was one fighting, I think you meant, but Logan is not twin, but looking the same brother, was behind him spraying him. And I guess that was his deodorant line.

It's just all... He knocked his hat off. I think he did that on purpose, Heather. So I got that wrong. So Jake Paul. I would have been fucking pissed if I was Jake. Right at my moment. And he sprays that shit.

And plus that gets in your eyes. And he knocks his hat off to get more attention back there. Yeah, that's just like, can you stop promoting? Or you could have, he could punch in the face, you hold up anti-swelling spray, you know, available now. But I got his name wrong. I thought it was Logan Paul. So it was Jake Paul and it was Eddie Tyson.

I thought it was Mike Tyson, but it was Eddie Tyson, right? You got it right, yeah. Okay. And Jake Paul has a, you know, I'm sure they have their own bio freeze that you rub on where you got punched and deodorants and things like that. It's all like, Hey, buy our shit and act dumber than you did that you bought the fight.

It would be even dumber if you bought this stuff too. Uh, other than that, we did. Oh, it was free. Cause if you have Netflix, the fight was free. I'll give it that. Yeah. I'll give it that. I'll give it that.

That's Netflix. When you it that. Yeah. I'll give it that. I'll give it that. That's Netflix. When you hear that, that's why it does better than the other fights. It's free. You don't have to pay a hundred bucks. Yeah. And that has 280 million subscribers. Yeah. They got billions.

Listen, if I have to get a crowbar on my wallet, it's a different story. Yes. I'm excited. Heather, will you tilt this up a little bit? I'm so excited. Who's he different story. Yes. I'm excited. I'm so excited. Who's he, who's he fighting? Hey, come on, let's fight. Come on. Yeah. Biden should get in there and fight. Twitter him and say, Hey, fuck face. Come on.

Want some of this shit. I'm not kidding around. I'm being serious here. Here's the deal. Come on. and by the way, and guess what? The fact of the matter is. You don't want to know what I did to corn pop? Yeah, I popped them into the corn. I know how to pop corn. I had a thing where I was going to go bed bath and beyond, but then there was a rewrite and they kind of did something else.

They fucked you. It was kind of funny. What about a picture I saw of Biden like in the Amazon rainforest, what is he doing? What's going on? The G20, I mean, 20 countries got together and said, hey, you want to be part of the G20? Sure, count me in.

Let's do it. Where can we meet? Let's meet in the rainforest of Argentina or something. So Biden was down there. That's where he should be wandering around. That's not a great idea. Well, he was at the podium, then they thought he wandered off in the jungle.

He just said, and that's the way people do it all the time. And he walked out of his frame into the jungle. I like walked out of frame. He wanted to show this. He walked out of frame. He had a really nice single on him. He had a PA with him going, I think number one on the call sheet is going 10, 200.

That means, oh, I saw number one is walking or whatever. Yeah. When they say that Steve Martin, yeah. Number one on the call sheet, they go, number one is walking. The other thing they say is, uh, we're going to go 10, 100, which sounds like any nice way of saying go pee. we're gonna go 10, 100, which sounds like a nice way of saying go pee, but if you hear 10, 200, everyone goes like this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Ha ha ha ha ha. Steve Martin has to go drop a King Kong finger. That's like a car tone meme of like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how much joy can you derive from the scatological heaven? Oh yeah, I know what they mean by that, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. He means poop.

Yeah, and I'm going to laugh a little more. Ha ha ha ha. Eee. Yes, entertainment. All right. Anything else before we get to some stories and headlines? Try to keep the balls in the air for that. Yeah.

You're tired from the party. You flew back from SNL. I'm down on court. I don't want to use the balls in the air for that. Yeah. You're tired from the party. You flew back from SNL. I'm down a court. I don't want to use the word tired. That's kind of negative. I have a stretched out t-shirt. We have seven hairdryers between my wife and I. My wife has...

My wife, she... The story just got better. Seven hairdryers and her hair is so thick that she goes, I'm gonna go dry my hair. It's wet hair. I go, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. So it's literally an hour.

So because we're moving in so many metrics, LA, San Francisco, up in the undisclosed farm, New York, all the hairdryers got in different locations. So I washed my hair. What a fucking disaster. And then it was like, so I said fuck it. Looks good. Yeah, yeah, right.

Like that's gonna win an Emmy. So anyway, I had no hairdryer, so I put the hat on. And that is the end of the fuck. Fuck. Hair dryer. Girls, I don't know, they got the hairdryer, it's got three speeds. Ooh. I don't know. They got the hairdresser, it's got three speeds. And then they got a upside down,

it throws out your clavicle. One time, this is embarrassing, Michael Keaton show on SNL. I went down to nine where they were rehearsing on eight. I went up to nine and I took a shower in some sketchy wherever. And I brought my trusty blow dryer down. Why did I need to blow dry my hair?

I don't know. But I was like, I'm gonna blow dry my hair. I'm gonna blow dry my hair. I'm gonna blow dry my hair. I'm gonna blow dry my hair. I'm gonna blow dry my hair. and I took a shower in some sketchy wherever and I brought my trusty blow dryer down. Why did I need to blow dry my hair? I don't know. You were at eight inch with a blow dryer? I walked around, I think Herb Sargent was in there naked, I just walked right past him.

Anyway, I take a shower, I get out, I go upside down, like sometimes you see in movies where they blow dry their hair, and I flip my hair up and I passed out on the ground. I hadn't eaten, I love luncheonry. I was like, yeah. Oh, vertigo and just went, oh man. And also my neck was so tight,

so I was just, this holding this thing was tightening it. And it was like, I couldn't even turn to the side, but I, obviously you gotta push through to get the fluff and bounce in the hair. How long were you out, you think? What a fucking disaster. I'm like, ah, am I in the cold opening? Is that where I am?

And everyone's like, no, you're not in the show. I have a hairdryer story, and don't be alarmed, but it tops yours. So, you know, sometimes hairdryers do things, sometimes they wear out, sometimes whatever, there's coils in there and there's heat. Coils. So I'm drying my hair.

Khhhhh. Khhhhh. Khhhhh. Guess what comes out? Warm, hot air and then flames. No. Yeah, fuck it, throw it down. Coil related?

Yeah, coil related, shorted or something. Flames came out and I thought, I don't want a fucking blowtorch. I want a hair dryer with cool warm air. And yet I had a blow torch for a minute. Lauren walked in, it was the same shower. You ready for this, he got singed. It's a long story. There was a police report. And then Elon Musk, you pull back, he's sitting there going, this is a good idea. I'll make a flame thrower. Hey Ryan, I got my hat. I'm Doc Mega.

Doc Mega. Doc Mega. I can't do Elon Musk very well, but I can do something that sounds not like anything. He has an incredible accent. Where is his accent from? South Africa via Canada, via Pennsylvania. South Africa. It's almost like it's a little bit of

Australian in there, a little bit of British. My buddy from Rules of Engagement was South African, South African, Adir. And Charlize does not sound... Charlize, let's just admit, she took the beautiful cutaway award at the Gaudeng. Tyson fight, you see that Heather? You see her? Oh my God, stunner. Charlize.

Yeah, she's very tall. Oh, I mentioned her in my special too. Sully, Charlize, you're just mentioning Sully's. I saw her and Chris Rock at a party standing next to each other and I just looked at them and I just started singing, Ebony and Ivory. Because she's such a tall blonde. And who was who, yeah. Yeah, I don't know which was which, but I like that song.

Yeah, she's great. Oh my God. Oh, you said, you, I, we were talking to the Do Not Destroy guys who are going to be on Fly on the Wall soon and they had, you had Charlie X, KX, XXCC. What do the X's stand for and what's going on? I don't know, but she was game for anything and I loved her. I didn't really know, please don't destroy. I really don't know. I didn't know much about her

because I listened to Frank Sinatra and stuff, but she's really cool. And she came out and she goes, I'll be honest with you. She's practicing her monologue. I smoke, I drink, and I can't sing without auto-tune. I thought this is the coolest, you know, because everything's about authenticity. And I think she was great. I smoke, I

drink, and I can't sing without auto-tune. Is it turned into brat fall? Or are we into brat winter yet? Because it was brat summer. That was your big song. You're a brat. Am I a brat? Well, you know what it is? What is it? A lot of people think it might mean kiss, Charlie. Oh, kiss, Charlie, kiss.

But she just thought it sounded catchy. Oh, it sounds catchy. It's definitely hard to say. I don't know how catchy it is. I didn't need to repeat that? You didn't repeat that well. Oh, she's- A lot of people thought it meant kiss for Kit, you know?

Yeah, because kiss is an X. But she really just picked it because it sounds cool. She picked it because it sounds cool, but I'm saying it doesn't sound that catchy. It's hard to say. Charlie XCX. Charlie XCX. I don't know if that's... She's... It's working. So I'm not if that's catch. She's, it's working.

So I'm not going to say that. It's working. Um, I'm going to be Dana L7-5. No, it's like a, I'm a automated robot or something. Yeah, boy. Well, let's throw up some headlines. Let's see what's going on. I think so. Rescue the podcast.

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Why is it so funny? Because cats are happy and acting like humans. Cats are funny and they're barely touching and they're squishy and they didn't hit each other that hard. So fucking funny to me. I'm going to throw you a curveball Dana because I just read this on the way in. Maybe you can pull this up. I don't know Greg, this wasn't the plan, but the voice of Millhouse on the Simpsons is quitting.

And it's an interesting, I'm wondering why, because they've done Millhouse for 25 years and it is a female, I think. I think that's what I read. I get, apparently I get all these stories wrong. Everyone on YouTube be like, you didn't even fucking know what you're talking about. It's all right. But if we can pull it up, here, we're going to go down again, YouTube be like, you didn't even fucking know what you're talking about. It's all right.

But if we can pull it up, here, we're gonna go down again, Heather. Oh, this isn't bad right here. This is what Heather deals with all day. I just go up, down. I think there's, oh yeah, Simpsons voice actor, Pamela Hayden retiring. So she's retiring from maybe the easiest job

in the history of the world. Those people who got on Simpsons. Wow. from maybe the easiest job in the history of the world. Those people who got on Simpsons. Wow. You could do this, Danny. You should audition for this. This is a great job. Hey, I'm Bill House. How does he sound?

I don't know how it sounds. Bill House. She does Jimbo Jones too. Go ahead, sorry. Jeez. There was a while where Harry Shear was thinking of not continuing and they reached out to me and go, I can't do Harry Shear stuff or could I? Whoops.

Hey there. Hey there. I'm Mr. Simpson. I am. I'm. Yeah. Do you just do a voice and have it? I am in any character.

Hello. My name is Millhouse. I like chocolate. No, I go like this. I'm Millhouse, I'm grown up now. How are you? I'm Jimbo Jones. Yeah, Jimbo Jones sounds like a funny character.

I like your eyes. I'm Jimbo Jones. How are you today? I'm your new neighbor. I just was saying I'm available for some kind of 35 year animation gig where I come in once a month and go to a window and collect actual cash. Shit. We need another Hotel Transylvania. If anybody has any deets on that, hit me up on YouTube. I need a Secret Life of Pets 3. Yeah. Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania

is such a gift that keeps giving. And they're funny. I have to say they are great for the fam. Yeah. Okay, next story. Oh, can I read it? Married man fakes his own death to meet woman across the seas.

I read about this. You know what's funny about this that I thought if this is right, his name is Hogwarts? No, it's Bogwart. He was missing after a kayak trip. I think what he did was like flip the kayak upside down. That's a good touch.

Wow. Maybe I drown, who knows. And Left clothes or some kind of what? Just nearby there's keys. And then he called her and left a, uh, okay. Oh, so what happened is he's asking for advice somewhere and someone goes, hey, that's the guy. So he gets on a TikTok like almost accidentally

and they go, that's the guy that disappeared and that's how they find him. That's why it's interesting. Really? Oh my God. Even she's excited. So he shows up in this thing. In what town?

I think it says San Diego. He didn't go that far then. But he fakes his death and then he goes, he said, should I go to Uzbekistan to meet with a woman despite being married? And they're like, oh, that's the guy. And so they go, did he go there and get married to someone else? So that's how they crack the case. God, that's, uh. That's what they think.

Oh, maybe it's just think. So that guy's been arrested. What is the crime for faking your own death? It's not as bad as killing someone. No, I think it's more... It's... you get accused of being a coward for not divorcing your wife. So in the public square, people shun you and say, LIA! Cowards! Shame!

Shame! Shame! Shame! LIA! LIA! Fibber! You can fake your own death, but can anyone fake their own birth?

That's so good a clip. I don't know, it just sounded funny. I don't know. Faked his own birth. That's not funny. Well, it makes no logical sense. We talked about butt babies last week. We didn't put that clip, did we?

Butt babies. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. I sent it to you. I'm like, I don't know if this is a real clip. I'm not going that real. Next one. OK, don't say anything yet. Hold on. She has this brilliant talent. OK, this girl does.

I don't think it's that groundbreaking, but the length of it is funny. She does. We'll quickly comment as she goes. Okay. She has impressions of animals. Oh, oh, oh. Wow. Okay, good.

Wow. Easy. American Robin. American Robin of all things. Pretty good. Too fast, too fast. Anyone could do it, anyone. Easy, easy. Making her tongue weird is the key.

Oh. That's nothing. I'll give her that. Too fast. That's stupid. Sheep. Two out of ten. Eight out of ten. I like that. I like her face.

Depending on what part of the country. What? Who is this person? or depending on what part of the country. What? Who is this person? Klu K'bera. They've pulled the camera back. She's in chains. Who the fuck knows what a Klu K'bera sounds like? Every child can do that in school.

Wow, that's pretty cool. Grandma's a lesbian. With the little whisper. I mean, she might be the fastest. I'll tell you what, and I'll just say that. I hope Lauren saw that. The book sapiens, if you think about the bioevolutionary advantage to have someone who can do these sounds

and ancient man on the prairie or hiding out in rocks trying to sleep, they can scare off or, you know, so there is a reason I just figured out why certain people can make sounds. Why she's gifted with that? Talk like other people, talk like. So if we go across the plains in a covered wagon,

she might be the one to bring with us. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. You're the sound effect guy. Ka-ka-ka-ka. Ka-ka-ka. Ay-ay-ay. The coyote walks up in the middle of the desert and I go, oh, there's a sprinkler. Chip-chip-chip-chip.

Chip-chip-chip-chip. Chip-chip-chip-chip. Cock-a-doodle-cock-a-doodle. I like, here's a cockapoo. Here's a cock a bird, caca, caca. I mean, after about three of them, I don't know what I did get a headache. Okay. Here it is, ready? Morning birds. Oh no.

Evening birds. Bird flying away. That's the best one. Old fashioned rotary phone. How do we get into this? Operator, get me Lionel 547532. I like when it's like, oh, I'm going to get a How do we get into this? Operator, give me Lionel 547532. I like when it's a short one.

You just do the one. No one knows the joy of that. Heather's too young. Okay. Uh, next one. Let's see. We're really boot scooting along. Okay, next one, let's see. We're really boot scooting along. Columbia bans marriage after 17 year campaign.

Oh, they banned child marriage. You have to be 18 now to get married. Let's go Columbia, good job. How young could you be in Columbia and still get married? In Iraq, it's nine. Nine? I think they just said it's nine. Everything I say, I think.

I think I just saw that it was nine and everyone was like, I think that still feels low. So 17 years it took them to get it to be like 18 years old. So that's good. Progress. Yeah, progress, thank you. You know, I mean, in Canada, them to get it to be like 18 years old. So that's good. Progress. Yeah, progress, thank you. I mean, in caveman times, when you're an old man by 30,

you get married at 12. We do have to adjust it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, but I think- You gotta speed up life a little bit. I think when people are like at a party and I'm like, how old's that guy? They're like 85. I go, Jesus. So people are hanging in there. No, ancient tribe. You see a guy with gray, shaggy hair and jowls. He's like, I am chief of this tribe. I live for 28 summers.

28 summers. They used to go by winter. And people quickly calculate and go, so he's 28? Yeah. Why did they not just make a mark on a tree? I live 31 winters. The oldest guy's like, oh. Okay, next one. These are worldwide stories we're breaking.

It's great. It's great. It's international. Okay. This is a basketball player, Hansel Manuel. And he has one arm and he's a, is this college? Yeah, right. Oh, here's Highland. The only question still lingering is that if Tennessee can be a large hill to climb for that so he's really good

Look at that Wow That's Purdy that is extraordinary. That's crazy superstar basketball player. I Can't do that well with two. Well, a lot of, you know, when you look at Steph Curry and stuff, he, he's kind of balancing. I mean, it depends. You must have pretty big hands.

But you need to kind of, you know, when I, the way I shoot everybody. You're doing those pickup games. When I'm doing fadeaways, I, doing fadeaways, this hand does help. Left hand helps me. No, no, I mean, obviously two hands is better, but. Yeah. But that means that guy. It's definitely harder with one.

He's got guts. He's got tenacity. He's adaptive. And he's playing in a good. He's stealing. He's really good. He's blocking shots. Blocking, yeah.

A lot of it's just one arm. He probably has a good vertical. He's stealing. He's really good. He's blocking shots. Blocking, yeah. A lot of it's just one arm. He probably has a good vertical. He's stunking the ball. So, you know. He's stunking. It's fantastic. Good for him. Good job, Manuel.

That was our feel-good story. I was just gonna say that. Yeah. Go ahead, read this one. This store in China uses real people instead of mannequins to sell clothes. Okay. Oh, and they're on little treadmills.

Ah, vaquica, vaquica. Looks like they're doing TikToks. So they're just talking, they're walking on a treadmill in a store window. So people can see what it would look like, not on a still mannequin, but on a moving human. Right, I like the idea. How long, you think your job's hard.

How long could you walk in that treadmill without drenching in sweat? Well, the way I saw it, because it was a really short treadmill, there wasn't a lot of room for error. So I think they last until they fall off. God dang, you gotta go, hey, time out. Cause you have to let them know before you jump off.

Treadmills should be- You can't get too tired and get swept back like George Jetson or whatever. Yeah, treadmills can be scary. If you're really going fast, you fly off the back of them. They really make it to like the Instagram fail videos. There's a lot of treadmills in America's funniest home videos. Yeah, I don't know if it's you, I just do this,

but at the airport where there's a really long people mover moving along and people get on that. I like to go not on the people mover, but go so fast that I go way past all of them. But you go on the regular sidewalk. I go on the regular stuff. I don't have nothing helping me, but I want to beat them. Yeah, sometimes I do that just out of sheer,

I'm so cramped up for the six hours. I want to walk. I want to move. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I've sat more in the last four days than I have in the last 40. And I'm sitting now. Yeah. It's embarrassing. All right. One more. Let's see. No, we need a couple more.

Oh, I just thought this is a crazy photo. This is a Miami strip club. Look at the floor after the weekend. Wet cement and mud or something? Mud. That's money. Oh, money. Oh, wow.

And that's a strip club. That's all money. They're just almost drowning in money. It's like ankle deep in a- I think they kick everybody out. They flip the lights on. They go, okay, gals, grab what you can. But who on God's green is spending that much?

That's one of those things I never got into. If I had a couple of beans in my jeans, I don't throw my money. I don't try to waste it this fast and this hard. I have been to strip clubs in the old days, but it's such a clown show where they just, you know, they don't like you as much as you think, Dana. I'm just gonna, there, I gave it away. I was in one once, because Gary Breckheimer

and Don Simpson, the late greats. Oh my God, Don Simpson. Just were in a car in Vegas, me and Levinson, and then they took us to a strip club, my only time. And I realized that every person up there is doing and dancing and stuff. And I thought, if they turn the lights up and said, all strippers tonight will get paid triple and you can all go home now.

Would they be happier? No, I want to flirt in my jeez. I like these guys. Yeah. I like these people. But yeah, I know love it's just, I'd like to see Lovitz going, hello, I'm John Lovitz and this is a $1 bill. Would you like it? Jealous? And now I'll place it in your G string and I want you to earn it.

He says it like it's a magic trick. I started talking to a woman standing right in front of me dancing and I just started talking and she goes to school and where she grew up, I just don't find it appealing. But you know, men have this, this, whatever you want to call it, this visual overdrive thing. But women, it seems like, is it bigger with women now? Cause all the movies, Magic Mike, that women go see, the Aussie, the Thunder from Down Under.

Down Under. The Thunder from Down Under, they're all written on. Someone knows that title pretty well. I know, ask Heather, are women that as visually orientated? Heather, was last time you went to a strip club for men? Never. Never. Are you clamoring to?

Yeah. Would it be fun with a bunch of girls or no? I'd rather see girls. A lot of girls say that. That they'd rather see girls? Yeah. Yeah, it's more fun to go to a girl's strip club and see girls.

By the way, if you have a girl's strip club, they are the number one girl that the girls go up to. They love it. Pretty girl walks in there. They get so excited. That's just facts. I'm just not going to, I'm going to let that, you're just going to listen, let that wave over us that men and women

want to see women strippers. Yeah. Facts. Okay. Next one. Oh, this, this really got my goat. It almost burned my onion a little bit. Uh, if I could think of any ounce. So when you go to Vegas and take out 20 bucks, you have to pay 11.99 fee at the ATM.

Well, hello, hello, hello. Las Vegas, well you see, and I'm going to take $20 out of the ATM machine in Las Vegas. $20 and the fee now here at MGM Properties is $11.99. Unreal. So I'm hoping to make more than $12 from this video. I mean. So just watch it.

Come on. And we will see whether or not we can get any views. Okay. But $12 to take out. My God. Farley would hate that. Farley would have hated that, Yeah. Well, Farley's take out $20 a day. And then, uh, you know what strippers like is when you give them a 20 and then you go, can I get 18 back? They go, sorry, what? They don't like to give change. 18 back.

I'm just thinking of the Goombas, you know, these guys, these Vegas guys upstairs, you know. All right, we're going to have the ATM meeting. All right, opening. What do you think? What's the most we can charge? A dollar? People tell us to go fuck ourselves. What can we do? Five dollars. I got five dollars here. Could we go higher? And still have them use the ATM?

Boss, I'm down., I'm telling you, is any money bad? I think we would go 850. 850, okay, we got 850. Got anybody, 10? You have 10. $10 so that they can pull their own fucking money out of the only fucking machine.

You know, boss, I've been thinking, I had a dream last night. We'd go 1199. 1199 once, 1192 twice sold. 1199, 1192 twice. 1199 folks. Do you understand? So to get when I, I heard, if you told me, because I don't use an ATM anymore

because I don't like getting shot, stabbed. It's really the most vulnerable. You're like, it's behind like, I only do it in a grocery store. I don't do it out in the street. Not in LA. I only do it in my grocery store. I don't do it out in the street, not in LA. I only do it in my doctor's office. Yeah. Yeah.

So you get the money to pay him cash? Who's your doctor? Dr. Babingo? By the way, I haven't, I haven't been to a doctor that uses insurance in about 10 years. No one there always like, actually we don't use insurance here.

You pay us. And then, Or they go, you pay us, then you figure it out with your insurance. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you figure it out. And then insurance never sends anything. Yeah. And then they go, you pay us, then you figured out the insurance. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you figured out and then insurance never sends anything. Yeah. And then they go, you could pay us right now.

And then after that, you can go fuck yourself. I don't care at all what you do. Go fuck yourself is always the best way to end any conversation. Okay. So that one, I will say if you told me what's too high at an ATM, I would say 199 is about as high as they could ever go. I think there was an ATM in the hotel and I think it was 450.

Fuck that's on that sickening. That's such a scam. But in the moment you're like, you're like a monkey with a little must have money. I'll pay anything. Just yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're just rip up ripping up a hundred dollar bills at that point when you're in Vegas or you're at a strip club, you're just like, at you, you know, exactly. That's what they want. They want. All right, let's do one more. And then Dana, I gotta get you to bed.

I know I will go right to sleep as soon as we're going to end on this one. This one might be too long. I just thought. It's all right. We did something like this. Oh, I like this. How far is a kilometer? Is that like a mile? A kilometer is like two and a half laps around the track. Okay, we'll just turn it on.

So basically, you can have no sound, doesn't matter. So basically, what's the fastest animal on earth? Now, obviously cheetah gets to 500. For 100 kilometers, cheetah gets to 500 for 100 100 km 100 kilometers cheetah yeah so here's one and a half kilometers the horse starts beating the lion starts to beat yeah and the cheetah here comes a fucking ostrich guys who had money on the ostrich so now it's just down to the horse and the ostrich wow three miles miles, the ostrich beats the horse. Right, but keep going.

And they destroy everyone else. Okay, the camel comes in, that's three miles. A camel. And then the camel's catching up to the horse and the ostrich is hanging in with all three now. It's catching up to the ostrich around 12 miles. And we're looking at 12 miles. The lion's back.

Look at these babies. Coyote's back. Oh, here's a human. That's Dana. Well, the human, we go far enough, the human will win. Oh, here's the human. That's Dana, Dana's a runner. Well, the human, we go far enough, the human will win. I do know that. Okay.

I wish you know that, I guess you haven't seen this. 20, no, 13 miles. Oh, where is it gonna end? We're at 22 miles, we're ending at 100, I guess. That seems a little. 100 miles? No one's running 100. Well, no, they have 100 mile runs, yeah.

Okay. So the human is gaining, David. Well, kilometer, is it close to a mile? Well, a hundred kilometers would be 60 miles. Okay, the human is passing the camel folks. It's just in. Yeah, and the horse. The human is in the lead. The horse too.

At a hundred kilometer. 100, it won. Camel second. Wait, horse or? Horse third. Ostrich beat the fucking horse at the last second. Oh, at the last second, the ostrich came in. But I...

Photo finish. 60 miles, humans dominate. Yee-haw! Take that animal. Is that how much is it at 60? Uh, 10, uh, 100 kilometers should be 62 miles. Yeah. 100 liters is a kilometer.

Well, 10 kilometers is 6.2 miles. An ounce is a pound. So a hundred miles, can you count? 6.2 times 10. 52, Dumbo. 62. And guess who got in last? The elephant, fourth year in a row.

So if you try to run away from an ostrich, just try to get away within the first hundred meters because it will hunt you, claw at you, and kill you. By the way, the ostrich is like, why am I running 100 meters? What are we doing? Why did I do this? 60 miles without water or food?

Yeah, get fucked. I could tell by the little animation that the guy had, he had a power aid and a clip bar in his pocket. I pictured you. I was like, okay, Dana running. Dana's a good runner. I was.

Back in the day. Why, I tell you, we didn't run. We hopped. We were running from a lion. I'll tell you a fun fact that I was coming, when you leave the good nights at SNL, sometimes you do it with the host. You go into this sort of under the bleachers and you come out.

So I think it was John Mulaney, he just went right before me and I think he was going and then he started skipping. And I started skipping too. And skipping feels really good compared to walking or even running. It's kind of gentle. It does different muscles.

So now, if you ever see me on SAO, I'm going back in December, you see me come off the stage, just remember within seconds, I will be skipping for quite a while. Okay. That's kind of inside baseball. Well, we learned something new about Dana. Learned something new every day.

He likes to skip. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, Dana, it's been a great time with you. Thank you for having me, David. Oh, next week we have two guests. Oh, we do? Oh, should we?

I'll tell you later. Oh, interesting. Okay, you're full of surprises today. Stick around, talk to us on YouTube, smash the button, beat the fuck out of that button. Yeah, our contract's coming up pretty soon, so just fucking annihilate the button. Like it, repeat your comment, I know what helps.

Pretend to be other people and hit it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, thanks Dana. All right, we'll catch you on the fly. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!