Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #49 - Give Us Your Location

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

The guys kick off the new year with a nuanced discussion of the most pressing stories. Leg-lengthening surgery, OnlyFans, rap names, ski resorts, and more! To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What's in this McDonald's bag? The McValue Meal. For $5.79 plus tax, you can get your choice of junior chicken, McDouble, or chicken snack wrap plus small fries and a small fountain drink. So pick up a McValue meal today at participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada. Prices exclude delivery. What are you talking about? I'm talking about doing Garth at 70. Oh, to do Garth again? At 70, bitch.

Why not, bitch? That's our first line of the podcast. That's 70 bit. No, I'm very young. Don't worry, fans. I want to thank our fans, first of all, for clicking on Dr. Stephen Greer. Holy tomatoes. Stephen Greer.

How many YouTubes at this point? 2.6 million? I'm going to say more. That's a lot where I came from. Where I come from. Where you come from, Scottsdale. Yeah. Jesus Christ, they had more clicks than an eight-year-old discovering Google, okay?

Not too bad in a pinch. More clicks than Michael Flatley's heels during Lord of the Dance. More clicks than one of those Irish dance lines will have to be iced down after. Pack my fucking ankles in ice. More clicks than Adam Sandler doing a sequel to Clicks. More clicks than when you search click

during the movie Click in the script. Clicks ahoy, yeah. So that worked out 20,000 comments about the Stephen Greer and the UFOs. Keep the comments, I know you do. And so what was the, how did they think my hair looked in that episode? 20, 19,000 were about the hair.

Yeah. And then somewhere about Stephen Greer. Now people are a little nervous, a little afraid, a little trepidatious. I think all this stuff, there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories, there's a map we have to show where the UFOs and drones. Drones is another word for weather balloons from the 50s when they say,

so UFO, it turns out to be a weather balloon. We're like, I don't know. So there's some drones. I was at the airport and I ended up next to a guy and he went on and on and on about these UFOs. And I said, would you stop droning on? Yeah. Not bad, no pinch, that's two for me.

Not bad. I'm up two zero with my clicks. Dude, the top of your head is gonna be empty at this point. I got no notes. You got a whole list of jokes right in front of you. No, I don't. I know you don't. I made that up.

No, I do. I have to say that it was very intriguing what he said. It was, you know, he goes, there's little 10 minute chunks of answers with him, but he's got a lot of information. So I think people sift through, like we do. I understand that. That makes sense to me. Northrop Grubman, these places, a lot of these places have tons of money. No one's looking over here, they're building.

So are these drones partially ours? Are they the bad guys? We've seen this one a lot in, I think it was in Interstellar, you know, point A to point B, but if you fold it in half, what do you get? I was a little bit like... By the way, it doesn't make exact sense to me.

Like I get the idea of it, but see it's all time. Like, I don't know. So you fold the universe like a napkin. What are you talking about? I mean, is the universe fold? I never tried it, but. Yeah, I mean, it's like a folding chair. Yeah.

You know? No, you just grab it, fold it. That table won't see 12, unfold it it will. But I say we're here, no one knows how or why. There's stars out there, they seem like they're beckoning us. So I don't know, I go at it with a quizzical, but not cynical open mind, David.

I do agree that there's something beckoning us. My strong opinion is something weird is going on. It's my strong, strong side I take. Here's how way I think of this, okay? Science agrees if science is a thing. That earth at one point was just an inert rock. It was just a rock. There were no microbes, there's no water.

That came from comets. Thousands of comets came and spilled the water. But basically you have a rock. So if you want to understand the theory of evolution, you put a rock on your kitchen table, you come back four billion years later, Richard Nixon is sitting there. That's evolution. That's it. Oh my God. That's no one's said it so concisely. A rock turned into Beyonce, turned into Richard Nixon, turned into Elon Musk. A solid rock.

They said, because we're so microscopic, that they said that they found water in the galaxy a trillion times more, a chunk of water, a trillion times more than we have in our oceans. I'm like, okay guys, either we're throwing the word trillion around too much, but no one can check that, no one knows, two scientists maybe. I think trillion is probably an understatement.

Any entity, any celestial object that has hydrogen and oxygen could make water. That's why we wanna get a hotel on the moon and a space things. And we go up there, get the water from the hydrogen and oxygen and get our ass to Mars. I'm sick of it. But when you go there, the first time you got to bring

that shitty boxes of Kirkland water from Costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything. Yeah, you have to bring a lot of canteens. This is a bit I used to do, which is become, I want people, our audience to know that they can use it when trying to get advice from friends. So I did a bit about a spaceship in space.

Houston, this is Apollo, whatever. There is a giant spider, a giant spider in front of our spacecraft. Do advise, please. Apollo, whatever. This is Houston. Our advice is to get away from the monster. I repeat, get away from the monster. So that's become a running thing with my brother and I when there's relationship issues or whatever's going on in any way in your life. Just remember this, get away from the monster. Life is that simple.

I think we finished our podcast. Right, I don't need mission control to tell me that. I know that. Oh, mission control and Apollo whatever. Yeah, I like't need mission control to tell me. I know that. And Apollo, whatever. Yeah. I like that bit is a little undercooked. It's like the place where they make the calls in the space thing. Just trying to get to the advice is get away. Should I stay with this guy or this girl? And then you hear

about me. My advice is to get away from the monster. I've run from some monsters. I will tell you, there's a lot of crazy weather. I don't know if this killer fog is real, the poison fog. I do know that weather porn on TV is something they do like to scare you, and it works, where they... It used to just be really cold back east, now it's a polar vortex, you know?

Let's not throw around the word vortex so easily. Things have lots of rain, now we have atmospheric rivers, Moe not throw around the word vortex so easily. We used to have lots of rain. Now we have atmospheric rivers, Mo'Foe. What the fuck? Yeah, I don't need any monsoonal moisture. I don't need a river 8,000 feet above my head. Oh, atmospheric river. There's Stormageddon.

Stormageddon, yeah. You can add Maggeddon, you can have a burrito Maggeddon, and it's like a little scarier than just eating a burrito. Yes. Oh, that's right. Armageddon. Who started that besides Bruce Willis? Who said the asteroid's the size of Texas? Billy Bob? Yep! Billy Bob Thornton.

Oh, yeah? What about Owen? You either step on my dick or suck my dick, but you gotta do one or the other. I'm really enjoying Land Man... SHHH! ...with Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Hamm. They're both great. Oh, is he on it?

And others. Ali Carter. Michelle Randolph, yeah. Yeah, but Billy Bob in the zone, reacting to all these craziness, you know, and he's so much fun to watch as an actor. Yeah. I've heard, uh, landman is the one to watch my buddy always gives me the updates. I'm not saying it's Shakespeare, but it's really entertaining. Okay. So here's another thing. I'm driving up my house today, my little crooked street

to my dumpy mansion. And there's a woman that since I've moved here three years ago, you know, the HOA is already so tough. I guess this isn't an HOA. So she's just gone rogue, but she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway across the whole thing, one house. And there's some are green, you know, it's that other green, they're not even matching. And then police tape. Sure. It's not Christmas ornaments. First, that's how they say it's not. Okay, go ahead. You're like the cops interviewing me.

No, I know what ornaments are, Dana. I don't. It's not. The cops are interviewing you about the cones? Yeah, and I'm like, no. They go, you sure it wasn't like candles? I'm like, no, they're orange cones. And then police tape, like it's a crime scene. And I want to say to her, hey, get all this shit off of then police tape, like it's a crime scene. And I wanna say to her,

hey, get all this shit off of you. Like the whole street looks like a dump. You know, because- Right, right. All it takes is one bad- And she said, oh, what happened was, cause she's a little older and a little crazier. She goes, oh, some people were parking in my driveway.

I go, in your driveway? She goes, they were blocking it. And I go, and when was this? She's like, 1987. I go, well, I think the tide has gone out and we're okay for a while. So why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog shit? And then you walk and then you got out of your bathroom,

stopped looking in the mirror and practicing what you were gonna say. Just a meek wave, right? I practice even when I pull up, and I don't wanna do it when I'm going up the hill, because it kills my neck, so I wanna do it when I'm going down. And then I'll do the window like this. I just stare at her through the window,

and then I get my fingers ready and go... And it goes down. Then I go, hey, fucko. She's like 90. She's like, me? And I'm like, yeah, who else is here? And then I continued that speech that I practiced. All right, here's what we do.

We park in front of her house. We get, Heather comes out like it's A&W Root Beer in the 1960s, puts a tray on our window and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're staring at our porch. Either that, if you can't move, because I know you've got multiple abodes, then you gotta get away from the monster.

That is my advice. Yeah, that's true, yeah. You know, you, I don't wanna for sure move in with you, but it's on the table. Okay, other than that, Your room's okay. That's my... That's the most scariest thing I've heard. Can I move into one of your pantries?

So I had a good Christmas and it was New Year's. I went to the Comedy Store, that was fun. Did a couple sets, saw Tim Dillon. We had one show where it was me, Tim Dillon, Nikki, Glazer, and Bobby Lee, Annie Letterman. It was really fun. So that was fun because New Year's Eve, I didn't have any plan. So we've been working on it.

Well, who can follow Glazer at this point? It's the year of Nikki. Well, it's hard to follow because she's also working on her Golden Globes set. So she's working on her monologue. So she goes up and says, everyone's the year of Nikki. Well, it's hard to follow because she's also working on her Golden Glove set. So she's like, boom, boom. She's working on her monologues. So she goes up and says, everyone, this'll be fine. You can be a part of the audience picture

of the Golden Gloves. And then it's a little different because it's not your regular set. You have to pretend. You pretend that, where am I? Yeah, you're like this. Hey, welcome to the Golden Gloves. Hey, look at Bradley Cooper, you asshole.

And then everyone's like, where is he here? No, no, we're pretending we're, okay. You know what? So. But I just gonna insert this because they, YouTube for some reason feeds me Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes. Yeah.

And no one could really follow Ricky Gervais, but now Nikki, Nikki is gonna save the show and I will negotiate her second hosting deal for her. I will tell... They're gonna start calling her Nikki Gervais because... Because she could stay likable and shit on people because she has this intrinsic likability. Yeah. While they're expecting... I mean, I think it's the closest to her doing the roast. You know, a captive audience, they know it's coming. I think the Emmys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea.

I think they talked about her hosting that. The Emmys are a little more fluffy and boring. And this, at least, everyone's close. You got a lot more movie stars, and you can directly hit them. Yeah, they're right there. Let's play a little game for a second, okay? Just, you're the host.

You see Bradley Cooper. You want to do a friendly jab. Hi. Hey, I'll do one. I'll do one if you don't want it. I'll go first. Go ahead. Bradley Cooper.

Oh yeah, the maestro. We remember that. Didn't do that well. Guess it wasn't conducted properly. Sorry. Okay. That's all I got. Sorry, that was an ad lib, folks.

Hey, Bradley. I was gonna see the maestro, but I was sick that day. I was sick that year. It kind of came and went. Okay, let's see. Who else will be there? Hey, Jennifer Lopez, how are you? I hear you're dating Matt Damon.

That's not to get back at Ben, is it? Look at our fictitious crowd work is bombing. That's why we do it here on the podcast when it's only us and our 275,000. The best crowd work is when you do the front row and like we've talked about and no one can see in the back. So you go, look at this muscle man up front. He's like this, oh, pick up the table. And then everyone laughs.

And then you look at him, he's a meek little nerd. I know you just invent characters up front. Reverse engineer your jokes. Look at this dwarf, what's he doing up here? Look at four eyes, this dipshit. Other than that, I did see the set she's doing for the Golden Globes, very good. Should be great.

It's gonna be great. I'm excited to see that. Will Tom Brady be at the Golden Globe? Now what if they just put him there swinging his shit on? She should plant him in there, it'd be funny. It would be funny for him to have the same name. She should tell the Golden Globes,

act like you're the Tom Brady audience. I'm gonna do Tom Brady jokes. All right, let's get to our hot stories. Yeah. I have no, we have no guests. So you have a story. I'm sorry. We didn't know. I have an observation that in Hollywood and I know there's people working this week. Um, but in Hollywood, you know, you do the Christmas, you do the new years. And now there's these days that we're podcasting and these are lost days these days you can't really start a project or end a project.

You never know what day is it? Is it, is it Friday? Is it Sunday? What? Yeah, that's true. I'm completely disoriented. It just makes me really sad. Yeah.

I know that the agents who don't like to work anyway, they are usually, first of all, if Christmas is on the 25th usually, they take off on the 9th. And then- Not kidding. It used to be like the 15th of December shut down. Now it's creeping up. The day after Thanksgiving, it's limb picking.

I mean, literally people go, we were pitching something and they go, and it was like the 1st of November. And they go, well, we'll try to get some dates in January. I go to pitch it? And I go, well, it's November 1st, it's just Halloween. They go, well, I got Thanksgiving and then no one really does anything until the new year.

So everyone's supposed to come back on the 6th. So I checked with someone and they go, yeah, we're gonna sort of trickle back 6th, 7th, 8th. They're in Villas. Trickle back, what? It's New Yearle back, sixth, seventh, eighth. They're in villas. Trickle back? What, what? It's New Year's Eve, I can't remember it. And guys, they're in Hawaii or the Caribbean in a villa. It's not a high-rise hotel room.

It's a villa with servants in a private boat, in a private yacht. I mean, they work hard, you know, so they take a couple months around the middle of the year. They take all year. It's really, and you go, don't you have to bring your Dumbo kids back to school or anything?

I mean, anything you have to do? They have someone else doing that. I'm sorry to break it to you, Dave. It's called a nanny, all right? They have the jet and then a little baby private jet takes the kids. Yeah. Junior wants a banana split, crack two.

Yeah. Make it, servant. Junior. All right, What's your stories? The all new fan dual sports book and casino is bringing you more action than ever. Want more ways to follow your faves? Check out our new player prop tracking with real time notifications bringing you more action than ever. Visit connexontario.ca. Okay. So you got to follow the tag bet MGM across all your socials. You know, are you serious? Bet MGM. Wow. Wow.

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Okay, this is California's... Oh, I think I'm annoyed that California, we live in California folks, they keep asking for money for homeless. Fine. I used to vote for that and when I go vote, but now the last 24 billion, it's gone unaccounted for, they can't figure out what they spent on. Fine. I mean, that's 18 zeros, babe.

Can we keep some tabs on it? Wait a minute. Taxpayers pay money, government has 24 billion. What are you gonna do with it? We're gonna get it to all these different homeless and issues and agencies, and we're gonna take care of the homelessness. Four years later, hey, there's twice as many homeless.

Where'd the money go? We're not really sure right now, but we'll get back to you. The grossest part is then they go, by the way, we're raising money for homeless. They're taxing you again. I'm like, I'm all for paying taxes. I love it. But if I can't see anything from it,

like just show me a road in front of my house, it's a little smoother. Take down the cones and the police tape. Then I'll go, something in my life is better, but you want more for home? And then people are coming in that are homeless. Now it's like, I think it's getting worse. The homelessness increased.

So if... It's not that it's not the same. It's $24 billion and it's going up. I'm gonna call it weird. And someone got that money. It feels like a business that something's going on where obviously we don't know about. Because people forget, it used to be millions of dollars,

everything. It was just in the last five, seven years that you started giving away a billion. And now it's like chump change. It's a hundred billion, 200 billion. And guess what? This is the way the government works. If they fund a program, 24 billion, and if you said we've solved homeless, but we only spent 15 billion, that's considered a failure.

You got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following year. Right. Because COVID money was left over and they wouldn't spend it on home. Anyway, I'm not gonna fix this town. Biden's passing out COVID checks today because we had leftover $250 billion. A lot of people didn't claim a check and they didn't send it anyway.

Come on! I remember there was an earthquake. He's like, no, the hurricane. Remember to get your COVID shot. That's the first thing we have to do on the way to fix the hurricane. You get your COVID shot. It says right here,

I'm gonna do everything I was ever told. What did you say? He's getting worse. I saw him today talking about there's tragedy. Of course the new year brings immediate tragedy. And he's like this, hey man, this is a bit of a fuck up, but you know, it's all gonna fucking smooth out.

The big picture. He's definitely can't. He doesn't even know what's going on. Hey man, this is a bit of a fuck up, but uh, you know, we're, it's all gonna fucking smooth out. He's definitely can't even know what's going on. I did him really strong and people get all looked out. There's no crisis of border. What are you making fun of that guy behind the scenes? He's running laps around us. Hey Jack. Yeah. Get your facts straight. I love when he. I love when he's tough. Okay, what's the next one? What's the next one? Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition. Oh, okay, play what this guy says.

Okay. Surge pricing. Just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition technology. This means that Kroger has the ability to change the prices of their products, depending on the image of the person buying them. Not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of our data. This means that depending on the image of the person

buying the product, they can access our information and dictate that price can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and increase the price of that product could lead to discriminatory practices using AI as a scapegoat. It gets worse. Charging people of different races. Okay, turn it down. They used to do it if you wore a Rolex or pulled up in a Bentley, but that guy, all I'll say about that guy,

perfectly nice guy, but he could really, really play an AI robot in a movie without any makeup. He was very, is that guy AI? He looked very digital to me. What Kroger is doing. Is studying you and raising their prices. Now where do they study? Like you lean over for a head of lettuce

and there's a camera in the lettuce or something? What do you, or they do it when you check out? What they do, they see me and they go, he goes pss pss, he orders lots of kumquats, raise the price on them. Cause I need them. Like whatever I need, they inch up the price, I guess. Well, if they go to your lovely home

and you say, we're gonna trim your hedge. And then they look around and they see a few things, look at a couple things and they go, that'll be $1 million. Oh yeah. And then you go in the mirror and tell them off. You come out and you say, okay guys, I told you I got a car wreck. I was on sunset. I tell you this already. And then I just tapped a guy in front of me. It was more like for fun.

It was just funny. And then, uh, yeah, he got out and he goes, are you David Spade? I go, yeah. And he goes, aw. So he literally was like, I was like, well, listen, cause he was pretty cool about it. He goes, I'm all right.

And we look and he goes, my car's all right. I go, yeah. And then I'm like, well, should we get, take pictures or something? He yeah. And then I'm like, well, should we get, take pictures or something? He goes, yeah. So I'm like, selfie. I just wanted to like get a selfie and get out of it. But he goes, no, maybe of the car.

So we did that. And then, could you see any damage yourself? No, no, to mine was a little on the license plate, but to his, nothing. And then, and then I'm like, listen, let's get out of here. I mean, I guess we'll never know who's fault it is, who's to say. And he's like, well, you were behind me,

so I guess it's yours. I'm like, sure. And then anyway, so don't hear from the guy for two weeks of Christmas. And then he's insurance contacted us and a lawyer. Really? Oh, because he's feeling a little sore? He's insurance contacted us and a lawyer. Really? Oh, because he's feeling a little sore? No, because he goes, his first question is,

are you David Spade? So he tells someone that and they're like, oh, well, obviously you're gonna sue him even though you're fine. He's like, oh, I mean, I guess. I don't love it. So is there a lawsuit or what? I mean, is a lawyer involved now? I don't know what. So is there a lawsuit or what? I mean, is a lawyer involved now?

I don't know what's going on exactly precisely, but I don't like that. I feel like it's Kroger Price gouging with me with the same. You know, it's just, they're just doing it more sophisticated. People would gouge all the time. And you know, I knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet. And if they ever got a fender bent or thought anything or even kind of walked on an escalator improperly or something, they just lawyer up.

And they've made a lot, a lot of money because people just want it to go away. They wouldn't say, give me a million, but they go 50 grand, I'm gone. That person was John Lovett. Oh no, we to cut that out. No. He's coming back on.

He's our favorite guest. The funniest and favorite. OK, next story. What's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago? Oh, this is funny. This is one of the football games. OK, you know, they all run out at the start. This is like from a movie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go. What is this, the poison fog in Florida? Jesus. Look at they all wipe out and pile on each other. They all wipe out because there's too much mist to make them look like they're goddesses, gods coming from the Viking mist. The fricking smoke guy was like this, ish, ish, ish, I'll get a raise.

He should have done a, they weren't all at rehearsal, I'll tell you that. The college sports you could never exactly, I played, I played now, nowlands, well actually played near new islands. And the guy gave us a tour of the campus. It was all stadiums. Baseball, football, a hundred thousand, a hundred,

that's 150,000 people fit in that stadium. That bigger than any any other. And we sold out 48 years in a row. I mean, it's kind of like, it's a game people. That's high school too out there in Texas and Friday night lights. South. Great show. You know, this reminds me of one time when I was in SNL, I went to a strip club with Timmy Meadows.

It was like a horrible street. Timmy Meadows. We just went. Tim Meadows. I like how I dragged Tim into the story, but we went, I made him go with me, I go, let's go. And there was a girl named Terry. I can't say her. Anyway, she was, we saw her. We knew she was in Playboy, but she had jumped,

made the leap into porn. It's not a huge, it is a big leap. It's just from, you know, naked to porn, which is, you know, especially back then. That's all done now. Only fools do that. Sex workers are great. Only fans is everything now. She had to go out there, like, only fools do that. It's all only... Sex workers are great. Only fans is everything now.

She had to go out there, like, you know, listen, porn now is just on your phone, and the girl's like, I'll stay in my house. I wouldn't know. So Dennis Miller and I were trying to write a sketch about like a porn star husband because she had a little show she did because she did like two shows a night.

So she comes out and the guy's like, he's got like a little board, he's like this... Pshh! Little smoke machine. Little puff of smoke comes out. She comes out. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. And then he's like this... Whoo!

He's got like light board like this, it's this big. He's like... zh! Lights down and up, and then... deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh. And then it's like, it's cheap, it's this big. He's like, zzzz, lights down and up, and then, deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh. And then it's like, it's the cheapest, he's got a long ponytail, he's like, babe. And then afterwards, you get a Polaroid with her for 20 bucks. And he was like, I'll handle the money. I don't like the music choice. To me, the classic is like...

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, direction and the lighting. It was just all like so low fi.

Uh, and that was, I give them credit for trying, but only fans is, is the shall we, I read about them in business, business sites about, you know, global business. It's up to 7 billion a year generated on, on only fans. So, and anyone can go on there by the way, they want comedians on there. They want to branch out. Well, they want to branch it out, but yeah. They don't want all the... Whitney Cummings is on there.

Yeah, there was a woman making a... She made about a million a year, and she's never naked or having sex or anything. She might be in her panties or not. I don't know, but it's not... It's soft. And then she talks to lonely fellas too. Yeah.

You know, so it's a... Yeah, she's pretty talks of lonely fellas too. Yeah. So it's interesting. Yeah, she's pretty cool. I like her. Yeah. Will I do it? I'll say maybe you'll see. I'll do Hay. She's your friend. Sheo.

Whitney's on a different... There's OnlyFans and OnlyFans TV. Well, she's on... Yeah, Whitney's OnlyFans is like for comedy. Give Whitney time. She would laugh at that. Whitney did a good job at CNN roast. Did you see that? I heard about it.

She did some funny jokes. Also, if I do OnlyFans, I'll just do Carnival food and I'll go click on this and you'll see my corn dog. And then they click for $28 and then they go, it's a real corn dog. I go, that's what I said. I say, send you turn around. They see your cinnabons.

All right. How far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man who's substituting Danish and circus snacks for their appendages? Okay. Proclivity. Hey, I know I get, I get smarter when I do Dennis, if he's listening. Get a big turkey leg. My IQ gets bigger. By the way, I just I get I get smarter when I do Dennis if he's listening get a big turkey leg My IQ gets bigger by the way

I just want real quick New Year's resolution for David's page just so we can do a viral viral thing I know you got something locked in loaded New Year's resolution David Phineas. What is mine? Yeah I don't think I have any great ones. You know, your resolution is not to have resolution. People go like that. Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't have any major ones. I'm just trying to,

I'm trying to use less than 22 hours a day on my phone. That's what my last report was. And I'm like, we gotta pump them numbers up. It makes them two hours. My phone fucking beats me up every day. First of all, I had an Apple watch. I lost it 10 years ago. You almost closed your circle.

I'm not even clicking on anything. You could get there. You're behind actually. And then it says, congratulations. You beat last week's record. You're on your phone for 79 hours. Like, reminding me. When it shows you how much phone usage,

I walk away, I put the phone down, I turn it over, I go, I don't wanna know. Have you done this where it says, hey, iPhone? Because they go, here's a story that's so interesting you'd like, and I go, all right, and I click on it, it goes, join the Wall Street Journal all right. And I click on it and it goes, join the Wall Street Journal right now. And you can read it.

I go, no, no, don't bait and switch me that. I don't play that shit. I do a lot of click bait on some of these sites, like CNN, like you, okay, I'll click on a fucking thing. And then it's like, are you a subscriber? Join. Do you like to join for For a dollar a month. Good headline though, huh?

What's it about? Yeah. Do you want to know? Just put your email in. We'll give you a free one for a bit. Okay, answer just live. Don't even think. Are these a plus positive for society or negative?

Yes or no? Plus? Phones. Plus for humanity or minus? Plus. Okay, I know where your bread's buttered. What do you say? What do you say? Plus for humanity or minus? Plus. Okay. I know where your bread's buttered.

What do you say? No, man. I don't know. I'm an analog man in a digital world. Listen, I was doing fine with an abacus forever. Abacus? What's the next line and joke for abacus? That's funny.

I had one in the sixth. Is that too old? I'm not sure what the substitute is between Calculator. Calculator. There you go. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

Well, I was writing notes. We were writing notes in class and you know, that's gone. And do those little fold up napkins. Instead of texts. What were those things? You write things on them, you do a little fold and then you do a little puzzle or something. That's one of the four phones.

What about an SNL one like Sarah Sherman's like, then I texted Lauren and said, why did my sketch get cut? I'm like, you text Lauren? That floors me. As a cast member during the show? Oh yeah, Lauren was giving notes when I did that Hunter Biden and then we're all sitting there

and Lauren's got a microphone now and he's like, cold open and he starts reading and then he goes, Sarah, cause she was like Matt Gaetz, maybe you gotta face the, you're in the light, you're not in the light enough, can you face more towards the middle? And she goes, I'll try. I went,

I have, how about yes, sir. I remember one, was that the show where he said, Dana, you look like you're reading the cards. And I said, I look like I'm reading the cards because I am reading the cards. Can Wally give it to me so I can just hold it? Well, it's a lot of fucking dialogue. I used to, I was doing, No shit. Now just, yeah, here we go. And then I'd fall down or something. All of a sudden, um,

that thing was written last minute. They did an incredible job, but it was a lot of traffic. I was not used to it, but you know, I got used to a little bit because they were moving the cards inside baseball for the audience. There's a single shot of the church lady. They'd move the cards under there and then they'd move them over there. And there was a little bit, where do I look at my single or do I look at the wide shot? And we needed more rehearsal to get that down.

That ain't S&M. Of course. Cause they go Hunter Biden, right? They go Hunter Biden. You deliver that one thing about Trump straight to camera. I go, all right. And then I did it. And after dress, they go, we're moving the straight to camera, I go, all right. And then I did it and after dress they go,

we're moving the camera. We'll tell you where it is, you'll figure it out. I'm like, I wouldn't count on me figuring it out. Why don't you just tell me? And then while Matt Gaetz is on, while he's literally over there pointing and going like this, I'm like, what does that mean? I'm on in 20 seconds.

And then the guy goes, he says, it's changed now. You're looking at a different camera. I go, and what camera would that mean? I'm on in 20 seconds and then the guy goes, he says, it's changed now. You're looking at a different camera. I go, and what camera would that be? We're trying to look relaxed inside baseball. We look, we're trying, I'm trying to be the church lay interviewing Hunter Biden. We're trying to be relaxed, having a conversation. We're seeing like nine cameras

and 25 people nervously staring at us. Cute hard guys waving cards and moving them around. The audience behind them, wondering if they're gonna laugh. They're looking at the monitor, look at us, cute hard guys waving cards and moving them around. The audience behind them, wondering if they're gonna laugh. They're looking at the monitor, look at us, look at the monitor. And the whole time, you relax, line your line under rehearse.

It's a fun job. All right, next story. Next story. Next story. Oh yeah, have you heard of leg surgery? Have you heard of leg? Turkey's where everything's happening. Everyone's getting hair transplants and leg surgery.

So this is a guy, it was me and the boys. Oh, leg lengthening surgery. Leg lengthening, yeah, I'm sorry. No, that's big. They go to Turkey to do it, and it's very real. This is not a joke. So this says, me and the boys after we go to Turkey for leg lengthening surgery.

This is an orthodontic surgeon. Okay, play the surgeon too. I wanna hear what he says for a second. Me and the boys after going to Turkey to get leg lengthening surgery, yes. So this is a thing people are doing. Is this fucking real? Look at that.

No, they look, no, they're wearing. It doesn't change the size of your arms, guys. No, no. Me and the boy. I mean, but this is real in a way, cause they do do it. I think these are too big, but they can do about three or four inches. They cut your leg in half and they insert metal things and then put it back together.

It's like, just pretend you've been in an auto accident. Hey, how was that auto accident? Oh, I'm fine now. I'm six, seven. When I told people was, yeah, I just said, I'm writing a script. I need to be quiet for the next couple of, don't bother me. And then they go, where's the script? I go, what script is that?

By the way, I'm six, three. And they go, oh. In the script. I was, I was Turkey. So it's ironically, it's in Turkey. Why is everything in Turkey? I don't know what is up with Turkey. They're messing around with Syria. What's going on with Turkey? Trump, they's in Turkey. Why is everything in Turkey? I don't know, what is up with Turkey? They're messing around with Syria.

Trump, they're very tough, they're leader. Erdogan, he's a tough cookie, he's a smart cookie, he's a sweet cookie, you can get a lot of cookies out of him. The new Trump, I'm working on the new Trump, because he's not at the rally screaming, he's more quiet now. So there's gonna be a new Trump that I'm gonna... And he won, so he doesn't have to try his hard.

Yeah, he can be more conversational because all his dreams came true. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Listen, it's very... It's very good, and we're doing things, and... That's the new one, I like that. We're gonna take care of a lot of people,

and a lot of people are talking about it. You can see it and look at it. He's so happy that he's- Don Jr's got a new chick. She is buzzed by Marla Argo the other day. Don Jr. I know, they sent the old girlfriend, woman, and they sent her to Greece.

Was sending her to Greece, to Greece she's going. She was dating Don Jr. They were gonna get married, but we're sending her to Greece. And she's in Greece. She's gonna stay in Greece and be our ambassador to Greece. Greece and Greece. You sounded like Turkey.

Get some longer legs and come back. I'm really going to Greece. Get on an island, you know. Oh yeah, that doesn't sound like a bad deal. It's not exactly Alaska, so. Antarctica. All right, next one. We're doing great, Dana.

I saw it. We're doing great. I'm so proud of us. Okay, you read this one. Construction of luxury ski resort in the Ukraine starts in the middle of Russian invasion. I never, what's going on with Ukraine. What is going on? That can't be real.

Well, some of these things I see on Instagram, it's like Ukrainian nightclubs. Everyone's like, every girl's beautiful. And they're like, what is going on? Well maybe most of the war is this in the- Maybe it's on the outskirts or something. Not at the east or toward Russia. Maybe it's on the outskirts or something. Not at the east or toward Russia. Maybe it's on the way west in the mountain. I don't want to say they're flush with cash,

but they do have probably a little extra laying around because how can you spend that much money? I don't know. It's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally. Yeah. I say one word, fishy. I'll leave it at that.

Well, the weird part is, and I'm just reading this off my phone, but the people who are in charge of the California homeless 25 days happened to be the Committee to Free Ukraine. It was Ukrainian. The same accountants. Same accountants from Ukraine were working in California. Can we fire those accountants? I don't think they're nailing it.

We're gonna stop it. We're gonna stop the war. Very fast. He's appeasable. Gonna take one minute. I'm gonna do it unless you. I like when he goes, one phone call, war over. What's the phone call?

No, no, no, no, no. No, we're dealing with tough cookies. These are tough. More cookies? These cookies are tough and you gotta hand it to him. He's a tough cookie, he's a smart cookie, but I'm telling you what, we got cookies too. He asked me, he said, do you accept cookies? I knew that was gonna happen.

Let me ask you and our fan a question. Please. A hundred times a day, they say, can we have your location or not? Is that true? That's what mine is. Yeah, can we have your location, allow it or not allow it?

Why do they want it so bad? First of all, they know where it is. Uber comes to get me, everyone knows. Then I go, hey, how far is it from, I said the other day, like Syracuse to Naples, Florida? And they go, you'll have to give me your location. I go, you don't need it.

Just how many miles is it? Give us your location. Just go to settings. It's so easy. I go, it doesn't matter. What's the temperature there? Well, give us your location. We'll tell you what it is over there.

I go, fucking Siri and I go at it. Guess what's the latest is? Cause I have some words from movie theaters. We'd like to have your precise location. I'm sorry, what? Like they, which part of the house are you in? Yeah, precise location is the latest one. But when I say, you're not allowed to have my location,

then the wifi sucks and I can't, the stuff goes shitty. Then I go allow it and I notice it's better. They get what they want. You wanna make your life easy? Just say yes to everything in your life. Just say allow if you wanna have good wifi in your life. If you wanna be a smart cookie, a good cookie, any kind of cookie.

Yeah, I'm telling you, Suri's been a real twat. I hate to use that kind of language. All right, what's the next one? Seriously? Siri has been. Tourist in underwear versus seven office. I think a fight's gonna break out. I don't know what this is. Everything's happening in Bella versus seven officer. I think a fight's gonna break out. I don't know what this is.

Everything's happening in Bella Serious. Or Bella, Bella Russel. Yeah. I think these cops, when they don't have guns, who's scared of them? This guy in his underpants isn't. You can't even trip him? The kids are involved?

Look at this little kid in his shorts. What's he gonna do? Who's this little girl? Your- your wrestling is useless. I mean, look at Spade. I can't take him down. He's so angry that he's got a superpower anger strength. Why is he mad and what is he on? Give me it. He's terrorizing the cop. The underpants burglar is back.

Listen. You got to speed that. Click on that if you will, if you're listening to this in your car. It sounds worse than it is. He's kind of a heavyset bald man is terrorizing dozens of people as police officers don't know what to do. He's really doing nothing.

He's not shooting up the place. He's just running around screaming. And there's kids, I would be too, I'd be like, hey dude, beat it. Like don't scream around kids, dipshit. To me, that's just another Saturday when I was a kid. Another Saturday in Belisarius. What's it called?

Belisarius tonight, in Gerald Ford. What's it called, Heather? Belarus. Belarus. Belarus, people. Look at you. Belarus, Belarus, can you do the fandango? Belarus, Belarus, could you do the fandango? Belarus, Belarus, could you do the fandango?

Thunder Boats and Lightning, what movie is that from? Wayne's World. Did you hurt your neck in that? Little sore. You know, we had Penelope and Chris and I did it in this scene and I think Black Sheep and she goes, shake your head more. I go, I can't, it's too painful.

Cause Chris has like no bones in his head. He's like... He's like a, he's like a, he was like Gumby. Yeah, he could just... I'm like, I can't, no one's looking at me. No, ours are this, you're really doing the same thing? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. We were doing it not to...

Different music. Wasn't exact ripped off, but it was like, just some hard metal or something. But it kills your neck. I would never do it today, never. You know, you just get in a way where you fake it. Like there's this heavy metal band, German, Ramstein and the lead singer,

he's this hulking German guy. Dos, eyes, dos, ros, these, and it's like. Ah, it's why, dry, fear. And it feels like he's getting a little older now, but he wants to do that big old one with the don't know what the head. Flip their hair around. He kind of gets in a low squat,

and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head, you know? There's ways to fake it to make you, we'll talk about it for your next, when's your special coming out? By the way, April, I think April, by the way, Busboys, I haven't even looked at that. Busboys, the new movie that's going into production,

can I announce that? Yeah, we're going the 10th. It's coming up. Theo Vaughn and David Spade are the Busboys. The Busboys. By the way, I bring it up because I forgot that I'd probably have to carry bus tubs. And I go, how many Styrofoam ones do we have on the set with fake pretend paper glasses? And they're like, dude, are you joking?

I'm like, these is a strong one. I go, no, you go, didn't you write this? I'm like, I know. I didn't really think. Well, are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that? I mean, you know how it is. Like when I'm a bus boy, they have all these posters in the back, like lift with your legs, look straight up. I'm like, yeah, when you're out in the field,

like I am boots in the ground, you know, Dana, you're like, there's the kettle of pitcher of water, rip your back. There's a pot of coffee, rip your back, lever arm, ripping neck, scalings, SCMs. I had to make giant things of hot, cause I cleaned pots, gigantic pots that weigh a freaking ton.

And then I would spill the water out, but one time it went on my left wrist and it hurt for 20 years, 20 years it hurt. Finally got rid of it by doing exercises on it. But yeah, I hurt myself a lot. I do too. Well, if no one wants to see anyone do that signal if they're over, over 12. Remember I used to be embarrassed to go, mom, it's so dry in Arizona.

When you're at the store, can you pick up some Jerkins? My brother, Jerkins lotion. We call it a Jerkins. I think the commercial should have said that. Also there was rose milk, gross. I was at the lake with some buddies doing like a guys weekend. And my brother. Rock session.

My brother loves beef jerky. So he did this joke of probably five, 600 time. He'd put the, have the beef jerky, he'd hold it up to you and say, jerk? That was the Jeffrey's. That would kill? Jerk. And it would kill in the room while we were all,

we all had a couple pops, you know. Yeah. I'm happy to. Give me some fucking wobbly pops. Just all beer, you know. Logger beer. No harm done. All right, we can keep going.

Let's go another one. This is so entertaining. Okay, I can keep going. Let's go another one. This is so entertaining. Okay, I'll read it. There's a woman, this is, we always read them because people listen to it. Are driving. Okay, there's a woman sitting on a commode, dressed. Three unusual benefits to getting rid of toilet paper and using a family cloth instead. I have not heard about this. I did not know this. Go ahead. What is she doing? I have not heard about this.

I did not know this. Go ahead, what is she doing? I have a story about this, let's go. Okay, there's no more toilet paper, she's just got like a rag. A rag instead, and she's gonna wipe the bottom. Is that it? You save $465 a month.

Well, do you rinse it out after you choose the deter? You hand it to the next guy? So it's just a base rag, and then you wipe your behind and then you, I don't know, I don't love it. It's a better video. They wash, you know, you wash them and redo some of it. It's the one where a little kid goes,

you washed that one, but it's still dirty. She goes, it's okay. It's okay. Completely stinging. Covered in skitters. Well, I don't know if I wanna use it second, third, fourth, fifth, you know, and. Well, I have a personal experience with this.

Goes back a few years. I'm four years old. I get up before everybody. Poopity poopity time. There's no toilet paper. So I do use a little hand towel. And being four years old, I put it back on the rack. I'm a full Monty. So then later on, my dad comes out, Oh, Jesus Christ, what's this? So I had to get in the living room. He made me go get his belt. I had to grab my ankles and all my siblings gather around and he asked how many, how many?

And I got a nice little whoopin'. It's a show like Gladiator. Yeah, how many should he get? Yeah. And he was like, a thousand, a million. He's like, keep it within reason. Ha ha ha. My other poo, do you want to hear my other poo story?

It's 30 seconds. Well, I do know I had to pick the belt once when my dad showed up once a year to give me a spanking. Did he snap it? Go get the belt. I'm like, oh, and then I got a drink. I go, you want a belt of whiskey? And he's like, nice try.

No, later on I'd go back. I'll go back there for 10 minutes. I couldn't find it, dude. He forgot, what did I need it for? Oh yeah, that's great. Okay, what's your other poop story? Hurry. Story, my dad did not like to stop.

So when we're driving in the station wagon in Montana, once you get going, you just keep going. I gotta go. Oh, Jesus Christ, you can go and win a mocha. And again, I'm three or four, poo my pants, get to the Uncle Jack's house. He goes, hey, something smells coming out of the car. I go in the bathroom, take down my drawers,

and I see the whole situation. The only way to get clear is to get the underwear and get rid of them. You can't flush them, can't put them in the thing. So what I did was I crumpled up the soiled underwear and I climbed, there was a window that I climbed out of, went in the backyard, dug a hole with my hands and buried the underwear. Your underpants? I buried my underpants. Now, your words, not mine.

You took off your soiled drawers, climbed out a window and buried your under panties. Is that your testimony? What grew? A poop tree? 10 years later. No, yours, they sold the house and some people were about to buy it, but

then they went over there and they were kind of decayed and archaic, like a fossil thing. Dude, this is the grossest fucking... I'm sorry. I've really turned. No, I don't care. I like it. Pop quiz, pop quiz. Best movie of 2024.

For real? Look at this. We'll get myself... I like your thumbs up. Oh, look at that. Is Heather doing that? Look at this. We've get myself. I like your thumbs up. Oh, look at that. Is Heather doing that? Uh-uh.

Okay. This is a woman explaining to a cop, a real woman, she wants money for something I can't remember. Go ahead, let me see. I gave her a 20 and she didn't give me nothing. Why does she owe you $20? I gave her a $20 bill. I gave her a $20 bill. For what?

For anything, I don't care. Whatever it's for, but she can give me my money back if she ain't gonna do nothing with it. Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs or something? Yes, I was. What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy? Rock. Rock. Yes, I was. You gave her $20 to buy. I gave something? What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy? Rock. Rock.

Yes, I was. You gave her $20 to buy- I gave her $20, she gave me some plaster. And now you want your $20 back because she didn't supply you with crack cocaine. Well, if she shouldn't give me nothing, no plaster, nothing, she should have said no. What's going on?

Yeah, I agree. She came around here a while ago, there used to be some people living right over there that used to sell. We were sitting out here on the porch in some chairs, so she said, y'all have anything to buy? I said, no, baby, y'all have anything to buy? I said, no, baby, we don't have nothing to sell.

So she left one around the corner. Then she come back 10 minutes later, holler, give me my money back up. No, you ain't bought nothing from me and don't disrespect my child. This is my child. I don't sell crack, I'm a prostitute. I gave her.

Oh my goodness. Lord have mercy. This is the real world out there. I like that people call the cops. Why do you want the cops involved in that? I don't know. I'm processing the whole thing. This is where some of the 20 billion would get

is to help rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs. Let's rebuild it. Yeah, rebuild it. I mean, those are, you know, give them some decent wage jobs. You know, listen, and every, every city's got some tough neighborhoods that are, I mean, I always think of you like great comedian

and all that, but if it didn't happen, if you didn't figure out that was your calling, I always thought you would have been a great, a greeter at Best Buy. Male prostitute? No, at Best Buy. Oh, a greeter? At Best Buy, you would sit up and- Yeah, I would probably be pretty good. Hey, welcome to Best Buy. Male prostitute? No, Best Buy. Oh, a grader? At Best Buy, you would sit up and-

Yeah, I would probably be pretty good. Hey, welcome to Best Buy. Can I, you know, you would have been just great at that. Relax. Is that the one where I have a blue shirt? You'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of- Is Best Buy a blue shirt? I think so.

Blue and yellow. I could do that. Yeah, I like that. Blue and yellow are the colors. I would like that, I would do that. If I didn't do this, I always feel for people because I don't know I have absolutely no skills none Well, I always thought because I've majored in Broadcasting communication arts what a goofy degree a lot of people do well, maybe I could be a

You know an AM or an FM D or radio announcer. Oh DJ., that's good. In a small, like in Santa Rosa or Fresno. This is the Dane Rock. I used to do this joke where, it's, let's see, what was it? It's like, it's 219 in the city, 224 on the Dane Rock. The Dane Rock always had a slightly different time. Why is it Dane Rock ahead of time? I don't know.

It's 2, it's 1228 in the city, 1247 on the Dane Rock. That was the joke. Fucking Dane Rock. It's just so happening or something? It was just Dana. Dana has a FM called the Dane Rock. Yours would have been, it's spudly time in Spudville. I'm your host host David Spader.

No, I think I came up with a rap name. Here's my rap name, Pump Fake. Mm-hmm. You okay with that? I'm thinking about it. Or are you in a jealous rage because it's so good? I am a little jealous. I would be... Yeah, that's a good one. I wanna find that too. I would be...

That's a good one. I'm gonna find my two. I would be, let's see, no. No, I can't. Don't worry, Heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more times. I have one. Okay, you can be push fight.

I would be no concealed weapons. That's your whole name. That'd be my name, rapper. And now a new song from no concealed weapons. NCW. NCW. That's not bad. Cause I won't keep my caps in my cap of my ass.

I say, what could you go and you don't want to be last. I say, gotta have a blast. Say it won't last. Get up in your face and I'll tell you what's gonna happen. Oh, you're a regular machine gun scarecrow. No, he's good. Good, very snappy tune. You got a toe tapper.

Mm-hmm. All right, one more story. One more story. I got a million things to-tapper. Mm-hmm. All right, one more story. One more story. I got a million things to do today. Mm-hmm. Take it, take it. I don't know if we end with this.

This is a fun Christmas story. Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of kidnapping the naughty kids. Look at this. I like Christmas music. There's uncles grabbing kids and stuffing them in them. Would this not scare you, Dana? But right at the end, he says, okay, you're going to be good?

So you're going to be good. Okay. All right. It's a fun lesson for all. No, no. Too harsh? When adults do shit to little people, they forget how traumatizing it is.

Oh yeah. So the only thing we make up for that is other bigger guys come in, take the big guy, put him in a big bag, then he promised. You like the music though. It's fun music during that. How about the videos of stupid parents

inviting the Grinch over at night on Christmas Eve and the kids go fucking bazooties. They cannot, it's too terrifying. Oh, yeah, no, that's a terrifying, did they see the movie of Jim Carrey? I mean, or... And they do, what they do with TikTok. And they're like,

"'Hoo-hoo, here's my kid, I got some clicks.'" Did you have a Santa? We had a neighbor, Bruce Stewart was his name, he owned a music store. He came over dressed as Santa. Oh, he was your local one on the street? You know, we all know him. Yeah, just next door neighbor coming over to our house.

We had five kids, maybe some friends there. And I'm like two and a half, and I'm thinking to myself, you're not Santa, that's Bruce Kearney. I know, my Santa at the mall used to flirt with me every year, and every time I'd sit there, he'd be like, you been working out? And I go, I'm six, no. Did you remember the moment when you like, you've been working out? And I go, I'm six, no. I didn't know he was like-

Did you remember the moment when you stopped believing in Santa Claus? Or did you ever believe- No, it's too horrible. No. Because I had to go home, it's always a kid at school wanting to ruin it for everyone and I can't stand it.

The last of your innocence is believing in Santa. I don't remember believing, but I must have. Oh, you never did? I don't remember, but I'm out of it too. When do you go back to? I go back to three maybe. First memory, three. Oh, first memory is like three or four, yeah.

I think it's more like four. You're a little slow, your mom told me. Five. You were in the slow group for reading. Well, I was in four years in Michigan from zero to four, you're a little slow, your mom told me. Five. You were in the slow group for reading. Well, I was in four years in Michigan from zero to four, and all I remember is two memories, one in snow and one my mom out front. Maybe I was blanking it out.

It was zero to four. I was wondering, how did people reminisce in the year two? Hey, when were we at the lake? I don't know, it might've at the lake? I don't know, might've been early one. I don't remember. I think they say a caveman right now is like, seven is gonna be my year. That's the new year is seven.

And why did they always have Native Americans? Is it true they always said, instead of their age, they go, I've seen many winters. I mean, can't they just put a notch in a tree? I thought I was so patriizing. I see this many winters. There you go. I was dating this girl, but let's just say,

she's seen a couple of winters. You know what I mean? She's getting up there. No. That's how they were rude back then. Yeah. I think they had it better off than us. All right, Dana, we really nailed it right at an hour.

And then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials, so it should work out. We're going to make the commercials extra fun. So stay tuned. I think they're scattered throughout our nonsense. Remember to smash that subscribe button. Yeah, smash the fucking shit out of it. Free entertainment. You can always fast forward. Dana and I are busting our humps over here. We're just trying to lighten your day,

just lighten your day a little bit. We may change up our style soon. We're gonna see what happens in 2024. I get a little more controversial. All right, I'll leave you with a flex. All right, thanks for coming everyone. Thanks for being on my show, David. Yeah, thanks for having me.

David Spade's been my guest. Okay, bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Ooh.