Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #67 - Safe Houses & Soaking

Episode Date: May 9, 2025

The guys discuss the conclave, mothers, construction at Spade's house, Larry David, Alcatraz and much more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When does fast delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without its grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight. Rocky's Vacation, here we come. Whoa, is this economy? Free beer, wine, and snacks. Sweet! Fast free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land. And with live TV, I'm not missing the game.

It's kind of like I'm already on vacation. Nice. On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels. Wi-Fi available to Airplane members on Equip flight sponsored by Bell Conditions Supply, seercanada.com. Ha ha ha ha. Happy Conclave, Dana. Hey man, right as we're coming onto air, so-called so what,

at this moment, they've selected a pope and he's going to come out on the thing and the guy's making the audience wait. So first of all, we know he's a procrastinator. Second of all, total rumor that he wanted a bigger hat. Is there? Yeah. He had a pad and he goes, is there a bigger hat? Bigger hat, wow.

I heard he was coming out because I heard y'all ready for this? Mm-mm, y'all ready for this? Mm-mm. Hey, by the way, there's different types of people from all over the world, African, Philippines that are in the running. So, you know, I put your name in just as kind of a joke, but I think you made it in the final 10.

No, listen, I just heard them saying, is it gonna be progressive, conservative? Or they said, they're also looking for a bit of charisma. I was like, are they though? I've never really seen a pope that really jumps off the page. I mean, what are they looking for? It's a subtle definition.

I think charisma is the bar. But it's great as a mature adult, as a kid I would judge pomp and circumstance. Look at this fucking joke, whether it's a country or flags or everything. And now I kind of go, yeah, it's necessary. It is what it is. Everyone dresses up.

It's like the inaugural thing and you know. So it's- It really is. It looked like Lady Gaga in Brazil. She got 1.8 million people. I know, wasn't that, wasn't that incredible? Half the crowd hated her, which is weird. That's a lot of hate, I could tell you that.

A lot of them were there for Nate Borgazzi. Did you ever see the comedy team, Pomp and Circumstance, invade us? No, that's not a real one, is it? Yeah, yeah, Pomp and Circumstance. They played the Frontier Hotel, I think, in the 60s. Frontier. I think they opened for Shields and Yarnell. Shields and Yarnell?

Uh-oh, name drop alert. Woo woo woo woo woo. Cadiche. That doesn't count. Sorry, judges, name drop? No, it doesn't count. No, not enough people knew who they were. I know.

Shields and Yarnell did a robot. Boom boom. Boom boom. They were back with Donnie Marie, go ahead. Donnie Marie, yeah. Donnie, I noticed, so I was in and Marie. Go ahead. Donnie and Marie. Yeah. Donnie, I noticed, so I was in Las Vegas. City drop.

I was in Vegas. And Donnie is going out without Marie. Thoughts? Donnie and friends? Yeah, that's a tough one because Donnie and Marie was there. That was a staple forever. 20 years, four shows a day. I don't know how anyone does it.

I mean, Carrot Top every time he's at the, he goes to the stratosphere every day and just thinks of jumping off. Just hangs out up there and just goes. Just kidding. I know Carrot Top. No, you know about Donnie Marie. I don't know if you know this because a lot of people don't, but she's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock and roll.

That's a little bit country. That's a little bit rock and roll. That's their hit. I didn't know they have another one. So you get rocking, rocking country. Okay. Here's a name drop. And now we're just mentioning this every second.

It's supposed to be a surprise. Sorry, Patrick. It's supposed to be a funny bit. Yeah, editing capability. It'll be funny. I got a little excited. So I got signed to an NBC holding deal in 1980. I'll make this quick. And one of the first jobs I got was to be a reoccurring regular on the Marie Osmond variety

show. So that was my thing before SNL. Actually Gavin McLeod was the guest host. But anyway, Marie's on stage and I come out like I'm the janitor and I interrupt her. This is a big TV studio. The audience. This is what they brainstorm for you after seeing your act. This would be funny for you.

And I interrupt her. I had a deal, a holding deal with NBC. Ridiculous. But anyway, I said, hi, we're friends. I could get a cup of coffee. And Mormons don't drink coffee. So they had the shut tape, start again, don't ever mention Folgers. Oh my God.

Were you ad-libbing? I was ad-libbing, but I will say this. She was absolutely adorable, delightful. The only thing that happened that a little weird, she did a duet with Jeff Conway from Taxi, God rest his soul, but they stopped singing and then they kissed and kept holding the kiss. So all the Osmonds came from,

I didn't know there was 45 Osmonds coming and I was going Maria, Maria, Maria. So that's my story about Maria Osmond. But if- I remember that I was watching and I was with my mom and I was a little kid and I'm like, they're kissing. And then I go, now they're soaking. It was in tape and burping.

It was probably on six months later. I called bullshit on that. You didn't see it. No, we were in the audience. And I go, why are they soaking? You know what that is, Dana? I don't. It's a thing we're gonna look up later

and you're not gonna like it. I know it's not good. I know it's naughty and it's not nice. Dana, stay innocent. That's why I like you, because you're innocent and sweet and you don't know about so many things. Well, I hate all these new things.

We had stuff like that, the guys at Spaz or this and that, or they're getting down. Now it's like they're doing a spoozle woozle. I don't. The worst thing we had was finger blasts. By the way, this. Don't buy the way me on that one.

I throw that in. By the way, the noise you hear out front is someone obviously no one cares about construction. I'm building a third pantry. It's also gonna be a safe house. I'm gonna go in there. It's also going to be a safe house. I'm going to go in there. I'll eat crackers. I'll eat chips. Well, wait a minute. Hold on. I know you're joking because that's your stock and trade, but I love safe houses. Jerry Bruckheimer, once I went to his beach house once, he goes,

you want to see it? See what? The safe house. And it was awesome. It was in the bathroom, but it's just- It's fucking sandcastle. So I think you should, it's sandcastle. But no starfish ever penetrated the exterior. He had it in Malibu on the beach. In his house, it was just like, so there's alarms. What do you do, stand your ground, get a gun? You go in the safe house, it's impenetrable.

You call, you have hors d'oeuvres, you put a pizza in the oven. So the one thing I did see, because Brad Pitt had a, I pause for the name drop, had a party once and his door, this is where I get this idea, to his bedroom. This is personal, I guess, but this is so smart. Yeah, let's say it was safe house. He had the doors were sort of made of steel, like very heavy doors and then a bar across them when you go to sleep at night. And so that's what I do. No joke, because no joke. Now, if someone comes in, I don't get as scared because I go, they still

have to get in here and they can't. And so I get, I've got a couple, you know, next to the bed. So it will be, they will be, uh, hit up if they come in. But the price of fame, I know. I think you think you're famous if you start thinking about safe houses. Yeah. Um, I won't say a location, but where I am, um, is this your safe house? Well, we don't lock the doors where you live. Yes. we don't lock the doors at night. Oh, where you live, yes.

We don't lock the doors. Although I insisted on having a lock on that door because it still goes through your head. The last thing, there's a lot of things you don't want in life. You don't want to be audited. You don't want to get whatever, but you never want to wake up and see someone you don't want to get a whatever. But you never want to wake up and see someone you don't recognize standing at the foot of your bed looking at you. The most I had before this was a circle door knobs with a little push button in it like and then that means it's locked. Right. But I guess those are easy to penetrate. So anyway, I'll get back. First of all, this conclave traffic

around my house is crazy today. And you know what? I hope it starts to go away. Because you were in the top 10. Yeah. I guess I was. Yeah. Just in general, that sounds like a Kevin Neal joke.

Guys, this conclave traffic. But they're building next to me. They've built on, I've got a little skinny street in this crummy ass neighborhood and they start putting a green fence on every house and I go, oh, no, no. That means green fence equals two years of building. Trucks beep beep this. Oh, yeah. Hidden. You know, trucks, they have a big drill bit today. They're putting casings in. Anyway, poor me, poor me. Other than that, I have to go over a few things with you.

Well, I have a few things too. We have a lot of stuff. Let's start with you. But I've got a few. We'll go back and forth. If the pope, Paula's gonna, my wife Paula is gonna text me if the pope comes out. So we'll be able to at least- What if we went live? That'd be fun. We watch it. Yeah, we could at least, you could text it live or Heather could post it. Superfly congratulates the new pope, Trini Lopez Jr. Right, man.

You know what? We should ask every Pope that's in the running to be on right now on Superfly and they'll be, you know, flattered and then if the one that wins, I go, you already said yes, you're coming. That's a good strategy, isn't it? Right. We'd be the very first to invite him to our podcast.

Okay, let's do that. When I get the message, we'll get the name, have Heather blast it out since we're working. Yeah, I'll DM him and I'll say, hey man, don't try to big time us now that you're pope. When you were bishop, you were like, deal with the pope, but now don't do that. Can I say this for reals without any background on it? Cardinal Sean O'Malley is a personal friend of mine and he's there. He's on TV. He's a cardinal. And he's- What does that mean? What ranking is that? There's about 135 cardinals and they're

kind of like, usually that's where they pick a pope from the cardinals. Usually you're a cardinal, next up is the pope. What's a bishop? A bishop. Well, King tonight's one. What are we playing? Chess? Jesus Christ. What's a rook? What's a rook? I'm not sure the whole thing. I mean, there's Franciscans, there's bishops. It's a global ecosystem of provinces and things. You being a lapsed Presbyterian wouldn't know what's with the raspberry. I just think it's funny that that was a description of me.

Okay, in movie news, two things. First one, I did go see The Accountant with Ben Affleck. Okay. I can tell you it's The Accountant 2. Yes. Twice the guns, twice the autism. I don't know if you know the theme of the account. He's kind of on the spectrum. Yeah. Yeah. And he's, he's not on it. He's in the middle of it now. He's in the middle of the spectrum. Yeah. Because I think he upped it a bit in this one. Cause the first one, it took me about 20 minutes to go, he's moving a little stiff.

Like I, whatever choices were like, this is what this means. Took it a little rain manny, you know? Yeah, like, hey, you want my lunch bag? And he pulls it away and you're like, okay, something's going on. But then now he's really, he's barely functioning, but it's actually a good movie.

I'll say that. He's a nice guy. I'll just say real quickly, I've met- I do like Ben Affleck. I've met Ben Affleck. I've met Ben Affleck. I don't know if you're waiting. We got to put these sound effects in. We drop a name. That's what we're doing. This is funny. Okay. You'll see it later and you'll be like, oh my God. That's truth. I did meet him. He's this hell of a nice guy. Go ahead.

I do not know him well, but I do like him. Okay, so the other thing was we have Jack Black on our sister podcast, The Flying Wolf right now. I loved hanging out with Jack Black on The Flying Wolf. And Jack Black, you talked to him about his movie. You talked to him and you were predicting numbers and I have some numbers for you. Oh, good, good. Because I think I blew his mind and then he predicted several hundred million below me or that was his hope. So what are the current numbers? It's still creeping up. I think you said locally, domestically, maybe 300 and then international total would be

a billion. That's what I said. International. I guaranteed him that. He was hoping for 700 international, which is a phenomenally huge number. US, the whole world's 700. I told him.

By any way, shape or form. Yeah, great. He is at 400 locally, domestically. He's at 480 international for a total of 880. So he's already past his. He's getting very close international for a total of 880. So he's already passed his, he's getting very close to Dana's prediction and I can't see him not getting there. I think it's gonna have a B after it.

Jack Black is a winner. He doesn't go down from nobody, man. So that guy's gonna, cause that's a billion dollar talent right there. Jack Black. Listen, this, uh, he's been on the map and these are little game changers. I mean, they're very few in the movie biz. I think, uh, Nikki Glaser had a good one. You know,

you've been in the business for a long time. She goes out and does the roast, jacks her through the roof and then she does golden gloves, crushes it even, even more. Uh, I see. I see the theater she's playing and instead of one night, she's doing three nights, it's like filling them all up. It's great. It's fun. We're mature adults and we love our younger friends and when they go on that journey, you know, you see it happening with Nikki, it's delightful. Nikki's like my granddaughter.

Well, I actually cute little girl, I'll tell you. No, but what can we go on and crush so we can play stadium? No, you never know. I think just longevity is a very tough thing to do. And it doesn't mess your head as much. You just scratching and scraping to stay somewhat in show business. Chris Rock always says, there's another one. Wisdom alert, wisdom alert.

Cause when Chris Rock says, Spade, The Wrong Missy is one of the biggest hits ever on Netflix. And I said, I can't believe it. He goes, it will buy you six months in show business. That's it. Then they go, where's the next one? he goes, it will buy you six months in show business. That's it. Then they go, where's the next one?

So that's the world everyone's facing. So it's very tough, but we have some friends who are doing great and it is hard to keep clinging on. Nate Bregazzi was on our podcast. Bregazzi's on the roll. Nicky Glazer, Bert Kreischner we had, Tom Sigurra. I will tell you, I did see Nate on my trip. I just took a trip to do some talk shows.

You can't hear this beeping behind me, I hope. We can't hear it. Do you really hear it? Yeah. Why, because it's in my living room. These people, Heather, go out there and throw rocks at them again. It's every hour on the hour.

Wind up this time. Go ahead. M80s, half sticks. So, oh, I'm on my plane and I'm talking to Heather. And then when I finished talking politely, I get a little tug, it's Halle Berry. Halle Berry, who we all love. Of course.

Everyone universally loves Halle Berry. And she always throws me a crumb and talks to me if I run into her. She was on her way to the Met and then the Cannes Film Festival where she was going to be a juror, it's a tough word, juror. A juror? Yeah, she's gonna be a juror.

Not in Los Angeles County, at Cannes. Yeah, Cannes. She's gonna be a juror. She's not on the Menendez case. She's in France. A juror three times in a row fast, Khan. She's going to be a juror. She's not, she's not on the Menendez case. She's in France. Three times in a row fast. Go. Jur, jur, jur. Got it. How about jur? Is it the O? Juror? Uh, juror. I think it's a juror. Juror? Juror. I like just juror. Yeah. It's like Ben-er. Your honor, this Jerr here. Can Jerr number one stand up?

This truck, I don't even know if this truck can go forward. You hear the beeps? Listen, all I'm saying is are you wearing protective gear? Cause I'm seeing a Mac just coming into the frame. Cause they're coming through this green wall. They're coming through that wall. Okay, in other news, I will tell you, I was on Theo's podcast, and I wanted to apologize

because he said a funny joke. We are promoting the Amazon special that's on right now. Theo does a lot of funny, but they're not really jokes. They're like Theo, Theo Topp. No, he does funny statements, yes. I think we were just discussing that his third grade teacher was an ocelot that had no ribs. But anyway, he did a joke and in the YouTube comments,

they go, hey, you missed Theo's joke and now I heard it. I don't, you know how we talk, sometimes we talk over each other. Right. I didn't hear it and tell me if you don't think this is a good one. Okay. Colin Kaepernick came up and he goes,

more like Throsa Parks. Throsa Parks is 10 out of 10, in my estimation, and I didn't even hear it. No, that's a great pun. Isn't it a great joke? Kaepernick was a great quarterback. And Rosa Parks rode on a bus, Rosa Parks, in the 1950s to end segregation.

Both with the African American movement and both pushing that. That's a brilliant pun. Isn't that just out of the blue? I was like, oh my God, and I missed it. Anyway, apologies to Theo. That, and that's it. I did Kelly and, uh, Regis and, uh, Kathy Lee and, um, I want to go, is where's Regis

it, would they get mad if I walk out and where's Regis? Anyway, you're ready for this. I know this is, uh, this is a Regis Fillman as an astronaut, Houston. Can you believe it? I'm out of control. I love Regis. I miss Regis. I'm talking to ground control. I walked out of that show and went out in New York City and all the construction guys go, hey, yo, Regis, just being Regis, sunny, beautiful New York day.

Hey, Regis, he goes, can you believe, beautiful New York day. Hey, Regis. He goes, can you believe it? They love me, kid. I can't believe it. Everybody here loves the Regis. I'm telling you. They really do. It's a little bit of Trump so people know.

It is a little Trumpy, but I like it. I like it. Yes, it's a little Trumpy. That's the problem is that when I first learned Trump, I went from Brando to Regis. That's how I got it. But if you're picturing each one, it all works. Totally. And it's fine. Yeah. You're brilliant. I honestly, no joke. Okay. So that and no, those are great.

Compliment alert. Oh, y'all, you got a lot of compliments on the Larry David on Fly on the Wall where you were doing a lot of impressions and just saying funny things and Larry was having a crack up. Literally this is the way, and I said another thing, Bill Hader and Conan were on their podcast, Conan's podcast, talking about how they do some of my off-label bits for, which I thought was flattering. I didn't mind at all. I thought it was great.

So I said, I'll do it for him. And then I met a human being because Larry David, you know, I didn't know him really. I've met him once at a club, but you see him on curb and he's actually, he's not that guy exactly. That is sort of maybe who he wants to be. But I never met anyone with that kind of sense humor. I mean, I wish we had video on it or Heather took a little video. So that's why I said, oh, he, cause his whole thing is never say yes when you're going to go on talk shows.

Why am I here? Never say yes. And it's kind of a joke, but sort of real. So that was fun. Yeah. I think when he sat down, I said, Larry, I know you don't want to be here. We don't want you here, but let's just do this. And we don't want to be here. Yeah, we all don't want to be here. Let's just do it. And he was quite funny, quite loose for being a big star with a lot of money. He was really giving up laughs and that's always fun. Charming, has no ego. The only two things I want to ask him. He says funny things. When was the first time you knew this is how you're going to make a living?

Because I don't think he started stand up till he was 30. We missed that and all the frivolity. And then I was just curious, like, what does he consume? Like movies, books, television, you know, because Jerry, you need to do watch movies. Oh, no, no, no. He laughs so hard. He liked your Jerry.

Yeah. Well, because it was just one word, but anyway. But anyway, okay. Well, anything else and then we'll get to some stupid clips that we show. ["Spen D. Suzy"] Dana, I'm a little bit of a spendy Suzy. If you know what I mean. A boozy Suzy and a spendy Suzy. Yeah, I'm more of a boozy Suzy, but yeah.

You are a spendy spender, yeah. And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write it and say, you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face. But that's just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise and you don't really drink very much. I'll tell the fans.

Just puffy. This is where Klarna comes in. Klarna is your everyday smarter spending partner, which is what a lot of people need. A lot of my friends definitely need it. It allows you to make smarter decisions with your money. And it's sometimes good to have a partner like that. And I'll say it again, Klarna, which I assume is Swedish.

Klarna is your smarter everyday spending partner. Shoppers can use Klarna's Pay in Four product to split their purchase into four interest-free payments. That's right. Here's some key takeaways. Listen up, brother. Klarna offers a Pay in Four product where you don't have to pay interest. I think that's a good thing. You can pay with Klarna at Merchant Checkout

in the Klarna app or with the Klarna card. You can also compare prices at your favorite stores and earn cash back when you shop in the app. They're making an effortless for in-app shoppers to get more value from every purchase. So choose Klarna at your favorite retailers or shop now at Klarna.com. See a resident loans made or arranged pursuant

to a California finance law license. NMLS number 135-319-0. Klarna! Balance account required. Klarna may get a commission. Limitations, terms, and conditions apply. I'm just gonna say it. It's a Klarna summer. Discover the magic of Bet MGM Casino,

where the excitement is always on deck. Pull up a seat and check out a wide variety of table games with live dealer. Discover the magic of Bet MGM Casino, where the excitement is always on deck. Pull up a seat and check out a wide variety of table games with live dealer. From roulette to blackjack, watch as a dealer host your table game and live chat with them throughout your experience to feel like you are actually at the casino.

The excitement doesn't stop there. With over 3000 games to choose from, including fan favorites like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz and more. Make deposits instantly to jump in on the fun and make same day withdrawals if you win. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today if you don't want to miss out. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only.

Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario? Let's see, I have, well, this I just have to do because I think it's Trump outdid himself with his funniness this week. He's at a press night, because I don't always report on him

because it's not all, how does Trump top Trump? So then he goes off on Alcatraz because he wants to make it. It's a tourist attraction since 1963. And he's just going on and on, you know, they can't escape and everybody loves Alcatraz. It's a tough place. I'll tell you that Al Capone, there he is.

Clint Eastwood was the only one to escape. Many people didn't know this, but you know, Paul Newman escaped, Kool and Luke, you remember that? They had it, but we're gonna bring it back. We're gonna bring back Alcatraz. And then he said something like, it's scary, it's a scary place,

Lord Arter, it's also sort of a weird place. It's a weak place in many ways. I didn't even know what he was talking about. What is he talking about? It's a weak place, it's a strong place. We're gonna make it bigger and more beautiful than ever. And he started just talking about the only guy trying to escape, this is the exact quote,

they found his clothes and they were all torn up and there were a lot of shark bites, there were shark bites, oh they bite you. I didn't know what that meant, the guy tried to escape, they found his tattered clothes and they found shark bites on the clothes. Yeah, he got eaten and the shark clothes floated to the shore. Actually, show that picture again, because when you look at the people that were in there

and tried to escape, one of them is Machine Gun Kelly and everyone thinks it's the rapper. And they're like, no, that name was taken from someone else. There was a real Machine Gun Kelly. Right. A real Machine Gun Kelly, Al Capone, they all went in there. They all tried to escape, but there were a lot of shit. It was in the comments on the side, but you know, it's okay. They get it. I had a flight of fancy after I, because I was thinking Biden to Trump, forget politics, just stylistically, it's been a little exciting

for everybody. So the way America goes, it goes like this. That's why Jimmy Carter followed Nixon. So the next president is going to be the most benign. And this is what I've called him. This is my impression of our next president. I'm Brian. I'm President Brian. Listen to the calm of my voice. Feels good, doesn't it? I shall never mumble a scream.

I shall just be Brian. President Brian. Now, David,? I shall ever mumble a scream. I shall just be Brian. Nice. President Brian. Now, David, breathe in the Brian. Hold the Brian. Release the Brian. This message paid for AI Brian for president. That is a little how. Yeah. I'm president Brian. I like it because I think that might, I don't think that'll happen this time. There's some truthiness to that. But it will. He met with the Canada guy. Did that go well?

I didn't even see it. They said Canada guy. It wasn't as bad as Zelinsky. He did kept saying, we're going to take it. You know, it'd be a great little state. And the Canadian guy was very serious going, uh, Canada is not for, uh, not for sale. Well, never say never, never say never. You know, it's like that with a ruler, they put a big thing.

These are direct quotes across the border and it's a beautiful shape and we could do it. We're still going to do it. And the guy sitting there, red face, he's honoring Canada. He's representing Canada and Trump just going, no, we'll get you. It's like that Robert Redford movie where he tries to buy Woody Harrelson's wife. He's so rich and he's like, we're going to take your wife. It was called In Decent Proposal.

And he goes, Woody goes, oh, she's not for sale. He goes, yeah. Well, anyway, I'm going to take her. I'm going to give her a million dollars. And he's like, no, no, we have a great marriage and then she starts going, well, maybe for a million and it gets all messy. I'll tell you that, I saw that movie, it was depressing

because Woody Harrelson's character was crying and sobbing. All right, here, news flash in the middle of our podcast and I have one more thing to talk about. No, it's not Conclave related, is it? Oh, it is, new book, Robert Francis Prevost. P-R-E-V-O-S-T. I just won 200 grand. An American.

Trump's gonna be happy. We got an American pope. What are they usually? We got an American pope. Oh, well, you know, they're Italian or they're Polish. It'll be Pope Leo XIV. Trump's gonna love that. We got an American pope. We're gonna take over the Vatican. We're gonna to love that. We got an American Pope.

We're going to take over the Vatican. We're going to remodel it. We're going to do a beautiful job. We're going to make it U.S. territory. Okay, here's my final thing. Bill Gates announced that this is the quote from Daily Mail. He's snubbing his kids. He's giving away 99% of his money.

He's snubbing the kids. But what's left in the 1% is 1.6 billion. He has three kids. They'll get 550 million each. And that's called, and his oldest son said, bunch of fucking bullshit, man Yeah, I trying to rat fuck me bunch fucking five hundred million dude. I can go to Coachella maybe once Yes, I can go to air one twice

He has six private jets two Gulf streams two bombardier challenges, but he's terrified of climate change. So what he does is he has a company called Direct Air Capture, so they suck this. They suck the C2O out of the sky. First off, so I can fly jets anywhere I want, my company sucks the C2O out of the sky. They're investing in chemtrails, let's be honest. I mean. Oh yeah,, listen, bless his heart, six jets, I wish.

I wish. Well, it's kind of like Al Gore is the original because he is like the pope of climate change and he buys offsets. I buy offsets on my private jets, so they plant a tree and that sucks the theoteo that I put in. And the reporter said, well, can't you just fly southwest and still pay to plant the tree? Yeah, and tree. And he said, quote, well, that doesn't sound like so much fun.

Yeah, it does not. I'm on Southwest Lot. It's not that fun. I flew Southwest. I kind of liked it. I bring a tree to the private jet airport and I go, can I jump on if I hold this tree and we'll cancel each other out? I carry a flower on the private jet, swish it around. Anyway, that's all I got for you today. This has been Dana Talks. That's a lot, dude.

This is with my guest, David Spade. Myself, I just muted myself. You muted yourself. I haven't muted the whole time, I hope. Okay, more stories. We got time. We did good,, more stories. We got time. We did good, that's good. We're doing great.

I'm having fun, that's all I go by. You're doing great, sweetie. Okay, do you remember the Carol Burnett show? That's what I think Chris Jenner says. You're doing great, sweetie. That's funny. This is Carol Burnett's show, which I grew up watching, sitting in front of the TV as a little tyke. this should be what, uh, do you have a question?

Oh, it's okay. Well, I just want to let them know that you've gone into the tournament maybe at some point during the summer. Oh, what was it? Tell the tour, your tournament story. Oh, what is it? Tell your story. Oh yeah, that's right.

I sent Greg the video. Oh, we'll send? Tell your story. Oh, yeah, that's right. I sent Greg the video. Oh, we'll show the video. Oh, I'll tell the... I'll do Carol Burnett first. We've talked about that. Yeah, you're right. I'll tell.

Yeah, you're right. That is funny. So, we'll quickly... Carol Burnett's show was interesting because I don't think they do anymore. They take questions. So, she took questions at the beginning. You remember this? Oh, I remember.

And this lady has a great delivery, but you never know what you're getting. I feel like this is all real back then. Like no one was a plant. No. And they used to make her scream this Tarzan scream. But other than that, the question, this is an interesting question I saw.

I thought it was funny. Crowd board. Here we go. What kind of soap do they use to clean the floor? What kind of soap do they use to clean the floor? What kind of soap do they use to clean the floor? Okay, so Carol Burnett is laughing. So that's actually a good, interesting question. Yeah. Very specific.

I think that's a little personal. Good answer. It's a cute housewife. They have vinyl cleaner. Vinyl cleaner? Do you want to tell the lady what it is? Do you have a vinyl floor at home you want to clean? Is that it? Yeah. Where is it? In the bathroom or the kitchen? All over. You have vinyl all over your house. Just on the floor. Just on the floor. That's a great answer. All right, that was a good.

That's cute, right? That's it. That was, yeah, go ahead. I've met Carol Burnett and I was doing the Larry Sanders show and she was on Next and I was leaving and she came through the door, we're in the side of the studio and it was so flattering for me at that time. It was a thrill.

She just put her arms out and said, Dana! It's always amazing when your idols, one of your idols knows your name. It's just weird. I know. I ran into her at the Beverly Center and she said, Dana! That was what I was going to say. Oh, I jumped you, sorry. No, it's funny.

She goes Dana and then she went up to the guy that runs the elevator and goes Dana. No, she is a legend and that term is thrown around. And I'll just say this for 30 seconds because we don't talk about her. We'd love to have her on the podcast. She's still sharp as a tack. Somebody who gets Harvey Korman and Tim Conway

as your sidekicks is very secure. She was the reason the show is great is because she could share the stage and then be brilliant herself. That's a lot. And Vicki Lawrence. Even that, her doing this crowd work and laughing and someone says it like three jokes in a row. Yeah.

And she just laughs at him. Well, Tim Conway would just destroy them. He'd have secret things planted for the real kind of their. And in the real Hollywood, she would have him fired immediately. Yeah. Anyone get the lens. They, they wouldn't come back after summer if they were getting the lens. Kill like that in front of the star.

Bye bye. Yeah. Yeah. But she, we can say, you know, Dick Van Dyke I'd like to talk to on here too sometime. Just to hear the whole history of his life. He's sort of a legendary figure. I watched, what's it?

The Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller. Oh, was he in that? Yeah, and Dick Van Dyke was in there with Mickey Rooney and they were hysterical, especially Mickey Rooney. And the movie just holds up. It's just a great, fun movie. Ben Stiller is so good at playing the reactive straight man that then turns and gets kind of snarky. That's a fun part, if you can do it right. The straight man is very important. And then he's really funny. What are you going to do? They create such an underdog. And then so it's a great film. And he does Severance does severance Which is a whole different at no, he's turning into Stanley Kubrick or something. Yeah, I'm directing so people fucking

You should have been back on and talk about seven. Oh, yeah, we should talk about that. You're right Yeah, Ben, okay, so he's we got a good guess mostly. It's just yeah, they go I just heard on the podcast. So do you want me to come on? We're like, yeah What's the next stupid story? That's never a cute. And then I want to hear your road story. Oh yeah, this is. Palm Springs.

Go ahead and read it. So this guy's a Palm Springs career panhandler. And he's good looking. So someone filmed him and said, this guy should model. So someone contacted him and he said, I don't want to model, leave me alone. I want to do this. So here's his story.

Professional panhandler patrols the streets of Palm Springs. He's going viral now for two reasons. One for his chiseled good looks, they say. Another for his bold and shameless stance on the way he makes his money. Yeah, that's Brad Love. He describes himself as a career panhandler. He was recently spotted by LA-based photographer who suggested Brad go into modeling. Well, Brad says he's not homeless and he has no interest in modeling or any other kind of job. Well, he says he's had jobs, he's even been a nurse, but asking for cash on the side of the road is just easier.

He also has a cash app account. He advertises to his 20,000 TikTok followers. It's not clear how much love makes on his street hustle, but he did post a clip claiming he made about $260 in just a couple hours last month. Well, that's not gonna set you up in Palm Springs. I'm kind of calling that a little bit fuzzy. Like does he do it eight hours a day?

Does he live on the street? I mean, how does he afford his apartment and everything? He must be getting more than that. Well, that's just in a couple hours. What panhandler has a TikTok? What is it? TikTok? What do you have?

20,000 followers and a cash app. So what happens is sometimes people will put in their Instagram bio cash app in case you want to give me money to help me pursue my dreams of being a nice young man. Let me get my phone here. All right. All right. What's his name again? No one stops me from modeling.

What are you going to give him? How much? Oh shit. I slipped with the zeros. 100,000 just went. Oh, well, Dana. I know. I'm not.

Well, get me. Don't say, oh, Dana. I'm the one who lost the money. No. Well, what about... He did look like sort of Johnny Depp first year jump street. Well, he's got a $700 haircut that swoops down on his... So I don't know.

He is dreamy. Smells like poop, but dreamy. All right, so, okay, here's the story of my new tour manager. So when I'm in New York, I say, hey, I'm promoting the Dandelion on Amazon. My special, yeah. So it was coming out that day, so I said,

hey guys, we'll show the video, but I go, here's my new, do you have the video? If you have it, coming out that day. So I said hey guys, we'll show the video but I go here's my new Do you have the video? If you have it, hey guys, David Spade. I'm got a new special on Amazon starts tonight. I got a new tour David Spade comm Here's my new tour manager Billy. We worked really hard with special. So do you know who this is then? Yes, leave New York. Therefore. I am the best person ever to lead a national tour. That's right. Mexico. Here we come. Don't kill me. We can't go there. Free cheese sandwiches. Okay. So good. We put that on because this is the guy from the fire festival that we've talked about. He did the one fire festival years ago. I didn't recognize. I knew he was look familiar. Right. So he does it years ago. Obviously, it's a catastrophe. They gave away cheese

sandwiches. There was not what everyone advertised. They paid all these models a million dollars. Yeah. Millions. That one got a lot of money. A great documentary because it's such a shit show. Right. So he comes out of jail. He does it again. Fire Festival 2, I think we talked about it. Hyped it up. Hyped it up. I think packages are up to a million. They had no lineup at this point. You know, it's just like, I think it's like the cart before the horse. They get the money, then they can pay the. Yeah.

Right. Right. That's sort of like a reverse Ponzi scheme or something like that. Right. No, a little made offy, whatever. Anyway, he's trying to do it. He's working with some people, put it together again. They check with Mexico, Mexico cities are like, we. Anyway, he's trying to do it. He's working with some people, put it together again. They check with Mexico.

Mexico cities are like, we have no idea what's going on. This is, there's no permits. So it starts to fall apart again. So I thought, oh, it'd be funny if I got that guy's mind to a manager. Cause obviously he's not maybe the best for the job. Right? Right. So we shake him out of the brush and he comes out as a joke to

be funny and says, he'll do this. So then I think everyone will think it's a joke. And then nobody did. They go, Oh, this guy is your, why would you pick this guy? He doesn't, he's collapsed too. Let me ask you a question. Did I see it correctly? I mean, does everyone who's see that guy, is he that recognizable that they knew it was the FireFest? Well, that's true. I put at the bottom, FireFest3. I put his tag and then I put cheese sandwich and Mexico is where we just grew up.

It seems like you almost should have introduced him and said that he, you know, just did the but just been the, but. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it slipped through the cracks because TMZ hit my PR and said, Hey, Spade hired this guy, you know, he's not great at this, but we're going to run this story. And I'm like, no, I didn't hire. No, I should have said anything, but he thought it was real. Yeah. I should have said, I'm not at Liberty to say I really

don't want to discuss it right now. Right. I thought they would real. Yeah, I should have said, I'm not at Liberty to say, I really don't want to discuss it right now. Right, I thought they would put it up and just say it was a joke because the guy keeps getting asked to be on talk shows. He won't talk to anyone, but then he's like, yeah, I'll come do it. So he was very funny to do that, even though obviously people,

some were mad that I did it with him, of course. Let me talk to the fans for just a second because I'm looking at you now. He should have mentioned the guy was from the Fire Fest, so it would have been viral, but he didn't. So back to the podcast. I know. I have to say, I recognize him.

He was about two feet taller than I thought he'd be. But I recognize him and I put Fire Fest 3 on there. All right, let me talk to the fans for a second. Okay, real quick. I won't listen. So anyway, I take it back. It was a good video. He's touring in Spain.

His specialist called it Danny Lyme, but still it should have said FryeFest, full guy or whatever. Listen, I fucked it up. But David didn't do that. Let me, I'll be back to you. Let me go back to the podcast. Dana, listen, you win some.

Twice is enough. No, it's good. I like that when you talk to the crowd. You can talk to the crowd. No, your camera's too far away. Can you look in the lens? Oh, there you go. Maybe don't get that close.

I know, it's a little rough. I don't think I even need this light, Heather, but next time we'll talk about it. It makes my forehead too bright. Oh. God, will someone step on your tail? Frustrated assistant for 900, Bob. Yeah, I just heard, get fucked. Well, one percent is one percent.

How low could she go? You know what? She's like, how much? By the way, David. Yeah. When we do these long super, you can put on sunglasses. can you know Bill Maher when Bill Billy Maher my buddy William Maher he'll wear these indoor outdoor sunglasses on his you know club Yeah, random thing so you can wear those and then they could put the lights a little brighter

I do but you know sometimes the brighter light isn't the better because it makes my forehead Bright because I'm gonna paint this blue behind me and put a shelf and so We're gonna see some real fucking upgrades people are gonna be like, no I have a curtain kind of mostly closed too much lights not good either. Yeah I well, it's all it's gonna be in my special. Yeah lights lights on How about my mind's gonna be called lights camera not that much action About my sex life. Okay. Let's show one more. No, a couple more stories. We've got time. You know, Dan, I always say rack them after I say like a 10 out of 10 joke.

That reminds me of Rakuten. If you're shopping while working, eating or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of the hunt. But are you getting the thrill of the best deals? Rakuten shoppers do. They get brands they love with the most savings and cash back. And you can, too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Uniqlo, Best Buy and cash back. And you can too, start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Uniclo,

Best Buy and Expedia. And even stack sales on top of cash back. It's easy to use and you get your cash back through PayPal or check. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app and never miss a deal or go to rakuten.ca to start getting the most bang for your buck.

That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Rakuten.ca Discover the magic of BetMGM Casino, where the excitement is always on deck. Pull up a seat and check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer. From Roulette to Blackjack, watch as a dealer hosts your table game and live chat with them throughout your experience to feel like you are actually at the casino. The excitement doesn't stop there, with over 3,000 games to choose from including fan favorites like cash eruption UFC gold blitz and more make deposits instantly to jump in on the fun and make same-day withdrawals if you win Download the bet MGM Ontario app today

You don't want to miss out visit bet MGM comm for terms and conditions 19 plus to wager Ontario only Please gamble responsibly if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks, more points, more flights.

More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card and then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO VI Porter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit bemo.com slash the iPorter to learn more. So Stabbin' Cabin came from the 1940s. Is that? I don't know. Seems like something Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn.

I'll meet you at the Stabbin' Cabin. I don't think she would say, it was more of an agent, William Morris, about 15 years ago said, I live, I'm married, I live in Malibu, but I also have a Stabin' Cabin in town. Well, did you ever see the movie, The Apartment, with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine? No, I'm young. Okay, it's exactly about that.

It's so out for its time, could never work in 2025. But they have this apartment and they rotate, all the guys that work rotate, and then that's their sort of rendezvous point with someone not their wife. I like how you water it down, good job. Yeah, I like that. Rendezvous.

By the way, my mom saw my special, but I was not warned. She goes, oh, I woke up, I watched her and Jimmy Fallon. They bleeped something first of all. I don't know. That was either on Kelly Ripper or Jimmy. They bleeped something. Heather, do you even know what that would have been? And then maybe when I was talking about Bill Belichick, but then, and then we, and then she goes, I watched the special. I go, mom, relax, pace it out. And she said, okay, oh, it's so fun. She's laughing though. She, of course in full disclosure, she's a great audience. I can do no wrong.

And then she goes- Well, no, I love just that phrase. It's so fun. Oh, it's fun. You're doing fun stuff about fun things. So I said great, and then she goes, oh, I just got to the part, you knew I wouldn't like this. I didn't like it.

A little naughty below the waist. Yeah, toward the end. I go, oh yeah, that's, I didn't even. Was it a self-pleasuring joke or a? It was, I think it's just basically, the setup is something like it's getting hard. Do you find it's getting hard to watch porn on an airplane? Oh, right.

Yeah, it's not impossible. It's just, it's just a little trickier, yeah. It's a funny setup, right? I mean, I guess. But I mean, I guess crushing laughs and applause. Well, no, it's the premise is very funny. I'm sure you worked really hard to follow it up with actual jokes. Yeah, I did.

The jokes are about porn, which is where I lost her. But, oh, Davey, you don't need that. But my takeaway from this entire podcast, knowing you and your mom's relationship and everything and how sweet she is, her going, it's so fun. I mean, that is so sweet. I mean, when I come to town, I go, she goes, what happened? I go, I landed at the airport.

She goes, oh, fun. Oh, fun. Then I go, I rented a car. I landed at the airport. She goes, oh, fun. Oh, fun. Right? Then I go, I rented a car. I was on the, I got on the 10 and she goes, oh, fun. I go, what's fun? The freeway? It just sounds like a fun thing

because you're on a journey and you're going to do something fun. I guess fun is her word. It is, it is, it's great. And then anybody she meets, oh, she's fun. Oh, you'd like her. Oh, it's very fun. She's a fun cookie., you'd like her. Oh, it's very positive.

She's a fun cookie. She's a smart cookie. She lives in the greater Phoenix metro area. David Spade's a child and she's got a lot of fun to say. No, I mean, your next special is called fun. Explanation point, fun. Explanation point, fun. Explanation point.

Yes, I will talk about my mom. I will tell things about how she gets on Facebook so much that when there's an ad, shelamation point, fun, exclamation point. Yes, I will talk about my mom. I will tell things about how she gets on Facebook so much that when there's an ad for three day blinds and it says like 30% off this weekend, she comments, ooh, that sounds good. I go, well, are you commenting on a commercial, on an ad? I don't even know if you can do that. Yeah, it sounds like a good deal.

She treats everything in life like they just, the restaurant decided to comp you this elaborate dessert. Oh, that looks fun. That looks so good. She's the most positive person in the world. So how do we explain you? She takes pictures at dinner. We sit down, she goes, oh, it's the whole family. Take a picture, go. And it's like, we're sitting down and she's like, kadish, kadish. And then I'm like, mom, let's just get settled. We'll get a waiter over here.

I go, I get a notice. Oh my God, you already posted this on Facebook. Yeah, it's a good one. I go, mom, we're not even in focus. It's all blurs and shapes. She goes, I know. I go, you have to run it by us before you post it. She goes, no. She's like a human Labrador retriever. She just, no, she won't read. She goes, no, I'm not.

Will she come on this podcast? Just for five minutes. Super sweet. She loves you. She'll do it for you. Have her just come on. Well, she, she, sure she looks incredible. I can send her some of my fancy pants lights. She always goes, oh, I'm laughing at the podcast and Dana, oh, the dogs are laughing. Everyone loves it. That's funny how the parents are like that. Very sweet. Yeah. They always, oh, that David Spade.

Let me tell you. Woo. They don't say whether it's good or bad. They go, oh, that David Spade. Woo. They go, he's a real piece of work. What does that mean? He's a real character. Oh yeah. I mean, he's negative. You know, David Spade, his special just came

out. He could be a dandy. He's a real dandy. I'm going out and filming dandy lines. You know, I realize you say, sorry, is it out right now? Okay. I'll watch it as soon as you. Yeah. What'd you think? Like, well, I'm going to watch it as soon as we... Yeah, what'd you think? Well, I'm gonna watch it as soon as... No, you saw it basically... I'm gonna watch it right after this podcast. The last corporate we did, that was a lot of it. Well... Minus the dirty stuff.

Yeah, but I don't go out in the audience, so I'm kind of in the where it's all like... You hear me act like this. Wuh-wuh-wuh. No, what I hear is, wuh-wuh-wuh, and then I hear, ah, big laugh, then I hear is, Womp womp womp. And then I hear, big laugh. Then I hear, Womp womp womp.

Then I hear kind of a little laugh. And then I hear you go, Womp womp womp. And then a big laugh. Then you hear this, Womp womp womp. Chup chup chup. Bup bup bup bup.

Beep beep beep. You're like, oh, he's doing a sound effects joke. Then I hear this very clearly at the end. Sorry, that's all I got. Good night. Sorry, now the guy a sound effects joke. Then I hear this very clearly at the end. Sorry, that's all I got. Good night. Sorry, now the guy you came to see, Dana. No, I opened for you in Indianapolis and then, no, you opened for me in Indianapolis and that wasn't easy.

And then I opened for you in Indio. Yeah, it was great. Both great shows. I had a blast. We got to do more of those. They're fun. Crowds were great. It's fun to have your Both great shows. I had a blast. We got to do more of those. They're fun. Crowds were great.

It's fun to have your friend do it. That would be you. And then you don't have to do 75. I did a casino. Whoops, sold out. How'd that get out? But they said they wanted 75. I know which one you're talking about.

They wanted 75. And so when you go in the... God dang. When you go in the hinterland you go in the hinder land, it's like 20 miles west of Salem, Oregon. You get a very appreciative. Yeah. You've been there. You get a very appreciative, incredible crowd because you're the only show in town. So it's you and some hieroglyphics, but I've been to that one. It's very good audience. It's just a little bit of a hike, but you get out there

and once you're out there, it's fun. Spirit Mountain Casino. Oh, I thought it was Table Mountain, was it? Well, there's a lot of Native American casinos that wanna hire us. Yes, and they're great. Great crowd. I think, but do you ever bring an opener?

Sometimes, this time I didn't. Because on didn't because you have to fill the whole time. Well, on the sheet, it said show length, 60 minutes, you get a little rundown for when you do these gigs, folks white sheet says set length, 60 show length, 75. So I go, wait a minute. So they're, they're providing a local opener from Salem, but no, actually set length 75. So I did 74.30. I just lucked out.

I did everything I had. 74.30, did you really? I looked down and I go, ah, timed it out. Well, when you know you have 75, you kind of embellish, you don't rush, you just take your time. Usually show links on the road for theaters suffer an hour and a half, so you have people do time. I have one or two openers, I do time.

But I usually do an hour, but when I do corporates, 45 is plenty. 45 is good, I actually did a private party and I did 50. I played in front of a waterfall, and no one in the audience was within a hundred feet of me. It's so funny. I know. They were really nice, but it's like they don't really, this is not like ideal, but this happened to me just because I'm a child of the 50s. So I'm just doing my set. I'm kind of being animated because they're really, I'm just tagging stuff because they're such a hot audience.

And then I got a stabbing pain in my inner thigh. I couldn't really walk for a bit and I had to kind of fake it and kind of work it out. Do you ever just have your- Yeah, it's really weird when you're about to go on, one time I was choking on some celery backstage right before I went on. Literally.

It's stuck in my throat, not choking, but I can't swallow. I've had stuff. It drives you nuts. I had an eyelash in my backstage right before I went on a walk. Literally. Stuck in my throat, not choking, but like I can't swallow. I've had stuff. Drives you nuts. I had an eyelash in my eye right before I go on and you're like, these are the little things in life. You just take care of it, but you can't do anything. You can't pee.

You can't stop. You have to be funny. Yeah. If you fucking stop for five seconds, I'm like, what's wrong? What is he doing? Yeah. I was right in the wings at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, 450 seater, waiting to go on, I'm talking to someone and I bit my tongue and I'm bleeding profusely as I

hear, ladies and gentlemen, you know I'm from Saturday Night Live 5, Glenna Farfo, you know, and I'm coming out, I'm'm swallowing blood for about 20 minutes till it coagulated. Yeah, coag. You know him from his podcast, whatever it's called. His mouth is bleeding, he has a temperature of 104 and he can't feel his feet. Let's bring him out.

You know him and you love him, and does anyone have a tourniquet? He just had a knee replace and his shoulder is made of silicone. David Spade! David Spade, he's high as a kite on bike and here he comes. David Spade, he can only see out of one eye and his hearing ain't very good either. David Spade, some lucky front row customer is going to get a coughed up piece of celery

in about 10 minutes. David Spade, he's underprepared, he doesn't have an act and he has no short term memory. Let's bring him out. He's bleeding from the back of his neck. Get ready to hear every joke three times. He just got stabbed, let's bring him out. David Spade.

You know him, you don't know why you love him. And here he, actually, Catherine introduces me. She goes, you know, the wrong Missy and Joder and grownups. And if you don't, you're in the wrong place. That's not bad. That's not bad. They had me, they called the voice of God. So you have a mic off stage.

They go, do you want to do it? So I had to do it for myself. God, you're a one man band. So it was all, yeah. No, I just said, he's not very good. Keep your expectations low. This next guy, yeah, just had a cell. Well, I have to ask, cause it's when you first said it, really a celery stick, before you go on? I have celery backstage with like a veggie tray.

But it kind of can get in your teeth. And I chew it up and it gets a little stringy. Whatever it gets stuck. That's twice it's happened. And I'm like, no celery before I go on. One thing you shouldn't eat. One thing. You shouldn't eat anything.

I mean, one thing I've done lately is I'll just have a little bite of Hershey's chocolate just because of the energy. But I used to do this thing. I'd get a craving for corn on the cob with a lot of butter and I'd be eating that in the wings. No. Corn on the cob. And I would come out with cob and corn just like all over my teeth.

And finally, one of the club owners said, dude, you shouldn't have the corn on the cob before you go out. I mean, David Spade was in here last week just chewing on celery and two people vomited in the front row. No one could understand him. How many times have you pooped your pants on stage roughly? I mean, recently? Yeah.

Poop my pants on stage. I mean, you made me actually consider that. I have one time because you get, one time in Dallas I got sort of a panic attack. Number two? Well I didn't know I didn't do number two on stage. Mm-hmm. I have had some warnings but I didn't nothing ever happened but when I was in Dallas about two years ago I was on and I was I started to get a panic attack. Weird. Right at the beginning of the tour. Did you have any caffeine or anything beforehand? I think I did yeah and I was like going and I'm looking out. Did you have any caffeine or anything beforehand? I think I did, yeah.

And I was like going, and I start looking around going, and anytime you're thinking of anything other than your act, like I don't want to connect the eyes of the audience, I kind of, because you're thinking of so many things and you're evaluating how it's going and then you're like, I want to jump to that joke on my set list. I shouldn't do that one. They won't buy that. You got to jump. So there's a lot going on.

But when you stop, I stop and I go, oh my God, what if I freak out? I started to get like panicky and I look over to see if Bobby's there and I'm like, what would I do? Walk off and try to calm down. It's terrifying. That's the weird part. And of course we're very blessed, lucky to do this for a living, but there are tales about it because the show must go on. And I always say, well, maybe the show doesn't have to go on. Maybe the show sucks. But the other night, one of my gigs, I don't drink Coca-Cola in life, but I do drink a little bit of Coca-Cola for a while. Same thing with chocolate, just to get up. To wake up, yeah. But the show's delayed. So I'm drinking Coke and I'm drinking more Coke. I'm a little amped up. and then suddenly I start to feel

Hypoglycemic and a little lightheaded and I thought you're thinking where is this going? Like is if this keeps extenuating and you scare yourself Yeah, and then I may not be able to go on, you know So but then I I just shook it off like a man you took a poop in your pants and you got up there like a good Performer. Well, did you ever poop your pants and you got up there like a good performer. Well did you ever poop your pants in grade school? I'm sure you did many times. Listen this, I told a legitimate friend of mine who said driving my house after lunch

he goes, oh my God, I didn't like that place. I go, you didn't? I thought it was pretty good. He goes, no. I shit my pants on the way home. I go, I'm sorry, aren't you 44 years old? And he was not surprised. And I go, have you ever done that before?

And he goes, probably about once a month. I go, I'm sorry, what? I think you should get some medical attention. I'm sorry, what? Like you said, did you ever in fourth grade, I'm like racking my brain. Maybe, I sort of have a handle on it since then. I don't love it. Sometimes

it's a close call. Once you turn nine, you were... Yeah, I go, I got it. Yeah, I got it. I don't pee in my pants. Can I say this on the podcast before, car trips with my dad, the whole family, seven of us in the station wagon. Christ, Dana. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he was going to Zephyr. He called it Zephyr. We tried to get to Winamucca, Nevada from San Francisco Bay area. Oh, we're going to Zephyr. He called it Zephyr. We tried to get to Winamucca, Nevada from San Francisco Bay Area. Oh, we're going to Zephyr.

So if we'd stop at like, you know, Sambo's pancakes or something, he'd finish and just leave. So you have time to go to the bathroom and then he wouldn't stop. Oh, I kind of could go to the bathroom. We're going to Pocatello or something. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's Zephyr mean? Zephyr means just go fast. Don't know those lollygagging.

By the way, is that a monster or still construction? I think we're gonna wrap up because they're breaking into my house. That's a cliffhanger. I'll tell you about the poop pants thing next week. Next week on Superfly. You know, I have a Z-Flex skateboard on my wall in Old Room from the 70s, Jay Adams.

And it's also called a Zephyr, and I never even knew that word. I think it's speed or consistent. So it makes sense for a skateboard. Yeah. But, well, I'm so, I feel bad. Let me finish with President Brian. Relax. Enjoy the podcast. I'm Brian, President Brian. Breathe in the blood. Don't be mad at me. I like it. I like it.

And the audience can't get mad at you because you're very calm and cool. You don't flip out. Well, we tend to go like this and that with presidents and it was maybe a flimsy premise, but I'll be curious who goes in there. No, I like it because Biden was underground, not coming out a lot. Trump is out there all the time. I was wondering when you were just talking about this Canada guy coming out, I think that's what they call him. His name is Canada guy. Is it Carson? What is it? Yeah, something like,

it's Carson. No, I don't know. It's a prime minister of Canada. Is a prime minister. Okay. So he- I think no or something else. Are there any meetings behind closed doors? I mean what happened to the decorum of just meet the guy hash it out. Then you walk out. Hey, it went good He literally meets him and goes sit down and and they're like wait right here Like everyone's here and he's like, yeah, you're fucking up everything. We're gonna take going at it. Yeah, I know crazy Trump I unless unless someone writes a book about it because I read Bob Woodward's book, like, oh boy, we're going to get the back, we're going to get the real story about Trump. And all it was, was exactly the way Trump's in front of the camera.

So I don't think there's another Trump back there, but there is no filter. He just says, he says to the guy, we're going to be a beautiful 51st state. He knows it got the guy elected because it turned on a massive patriotic swelling in Canada when Trump was coming. I know, it really did. It flipped everybody. They had like two weeks and then I really don't know how it works up there because someone else told me yesterday Canada might vote again in a year.

Well if it's parliamentary, then it is that they go, you can go in and out. Like if we had that, Obama could come back, you know, um, you don't, you don't have the terms that we have, but Canada, um, Trump's like, is Joe, are you going to get a big, beautiful tax break? You get free military ticket carrier. You get a free pass to Disneyland. Throws in a lot of perks. I know.

We'll see We'll give you when we open Alcatraz like it's the new Disneyland we're gonna let all the kids in it's 11 This is where we suffocate everyone This is where the gangs jump other guys in Alright, I gotta go. I think I'm in danger with this noise Solid Terry confined, but that's what they call it. That meant you were alone for a long time. Kids, you wanna get in and try it one at a time?

Get in and let me close you in. You can see what Al Capone did because he ate one extra biscuit. They threw him in solitary confinement. Ah, shit. All right, good one. Thanks, buddy. That's it. that's good.

We'll talk later. We'll see you next time. Oh, bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.

Ooh. and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!