Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #70 - AGE APPROPRIATE!

Episode Date: May 30, 2025

Dana and David chat AMA's, Mission Impossible, bodily fluids, animals and much more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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People don't hate on the fade of whatever my haircuts call but they really scalp me pretty good. Well, let me, can I ask you a question about that? And this is off the cuff, completely unplanned. Like, what were you thinking? What? I mean, cause, the cuff completely unplanned. Like, what were you thinking? Are you in active litigation with your barber? Well, my dad, and this is no joke, not kidding around here, he'd put a bowl over your head

and then he'd shave around the sides, it'd go real close right there. And well, what, why that's called the fade. All the young people, is that, that's what you have? The fade? That's the word I've heard, but really it's, yeah. I like it a long in the back. It's a little slightly molly. Yeah. Heather likes it.

It's fine. I think it's pretty good. It's just, it's all nice the first day. And now I go on the road. I'm actually doing some soft packing right now today. Don't get me wrong. It's a really cute little cut. I mean, it's a darling style on you. I'll say.

Listen, it's a mighty cute cut. You know that bit, right? Yeah. Did I ever do that in this eighties for you? Or you just know it from here? I know it because me and my friends, you already do it. You can say it. Well, okay, so folks, this is literally goes back

to one of my, this is late seventies in college. And I said that men, men, I don't know what the set up, certain things- Men and women are different. Men and women are different. Like a man would never walk up to another man with a new shirt on and go, I got to say that's a mighty cute top you got on there. Something like that, right?

Yep. It's a mighty cute top. Mighty cute top. So even then it was like a catchphrase. I'm a king of the catchphrases. But I like your wave. Looks good. Whatever it's called, fade, wave, but you know,

when you were a kid and you got that little bowl cut, you're not out trying to get some puss. You're not trying to bang beef. I mean, you're just a kid, right? So you're not heading to the Golden Globes. Just get the hair out of the eyes. That's all the parents are saying. Bang beef? You mean make love to someone?

You mean make sweet love and intercourse? Yeah, I think that's what I meant. Yeah. Came out wrong. Well, we would, you know, basically we got crew cuts and my dad would basically shave our heads and we looked like billiard balls and my mom would come in and go, Dana in the side pocket.

It's the easiest cut to do, I guess. By the way, speaking of the award shows, I saw the AMAs, I saw clips. You're the one who saw it. That snuck up on me. I didn't know it was on until eight minutes before and I said, nah, you're gonna do it. Well, the AMAs, CMAs, AAA towing, I mean, is there any difference? I don't know what they are. I don't know which ones mean more, mean less. Straight A's, yeah. Straight A's, double A batteries, you understand. The Oakland A's.

Right. Your turn. Double D's. Batteries pervert. Triple A's, bitch! Yeah. So anyway, the AMA's JLo's out there huffing and puffing and I gotta admit, bless her heart.

Miss Lovedad. She has her goddamn pedal to the metal. She does not let off the gas. She is 12 minute cold opening. Da da da da da da. My God, and she always looks great. She looks incredible. I don't know if this is true, but I read on,

I don't know where I read it, that she will actually have her assistant chain her to a stair master at a 10, so she won't get off of it. Cause... Oh, it's StairMaster, not even a treadmill. I'm going back to the 90s, man. Well, you know, I mean, here's the thing.

And this is a kind of a newsflash for people who are still listening at 426 or watching, that working out your ass is the most important thing you can do and women in the gym and certain, well, I guess I'll just say gay men and women would do a lot of glute exercises. Straight men would go, I ain't working mode no ass. And that is the most important muscle group

for your back, for everything else. Plus girls check out booties too. So, you know, you got to try to give them everything. I will say family, the cold opening, she hoofed it out, you know, tapped in, or whatever she does. Looks great. And then at the end, Oh, she kisses a guy dancer, then kisses a girl dancer. Oh, you got to have a little clickbait, that old chestnut.

And that is click in the box. Let me write that down. Yep. Okay. Yep. All right, here we are. Uh-oh, here we go. Oh, that's a good one.

She got in there. Grabbing hair. Oh, okay. Listen, it works. Madonna did the VMAs. That was the first time I saw two girls kiss. I was like, oh. The next level of that is you kiss that, and then you go over and you kiss the cameraman.

Oh, is that one? We'll mix it up. Do something. Kiss the camera maybe like right. Oh, I did that as Hans and Franz years ago. Oh, sorry. Sorry, that was a cold open too. Well, we did. It was if Hans and Franz made a video with candlelight and wine stuff and we're seducing women. Yeah. Well, you know, listen, my little dumpling.

And then I was licking the lens. I'm not proud of it. But Lauren said, oh, it wasn't your proudest moment. Maybe this week, a picnic with Hans and Franz. You're like, yeah, anything with Hans and Franz. You're like, yep. Anything with Hans and Franz is funny. It's funny. Give me the applesauce.

Yeah. And if you think you could do it better than me and eat applesauce with a gummy mouth, think again. You're a flabby loser. You think I use a spork? Well, it's like these two insecure paranoid schizophrenics, having this cable show of maybe two people watching, threatening them for not, and if you don't think we're properly pumped up, that was the end.

I love it. So. I do like that. We'll tell you very quickly before I steam all over your weekend. I did spend most of the day and night yesterday going to see Mission Impossible. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr So a little bit like Fast and Furious, do we need a, well, it's sort of, how can I, I don't want to, first of all, no spoilers. I'm trying not to do spoilers. Don't do spoilers.

I won't. When he dies at the beginning, that feels like a spoiler. No, no, you could tell. You could tell. Tom Cruise is not going to die at the beginning. So no, that the funny thing is it's AI centric, the plot. I like the, look, the last one was all about AI. Oh, it was?

Yeah. Maybe, oh, cause they kept saying this is a standalone movie. Maybe it was supposed to be the second half of that one. I don't know. I think that anyway, the crew is back and his girlfriend is more age appropriate. She's only probably 30 years younger this time. That's great.

Anyway, that's funny. Well, some crews, you know, I don't know what people do these days, but he's got a great mop of hair. He looks very good. The hair is very mop-ish. Like it's, first of all, it has to be, it's windblown in every scene. He's on a propeller. He's on a great mop of hair, he looks very good. The hair is very mop-ish. First of all, it has to be. It's wind blown in every scene. He's on a propeller, he's on a submarine,

he's just getting blown all over. And the funny thing is, of course I watch, because in the new world you go, Tom Cruise, he's older than me, but I go, you know, he looks good obviously, but then I go, oh, he's a little puffy. And then you get in this world of like, if he looks a little old, you say he looks old. If he looks like better, you go, he's had work. This is you can't win. These stars can't win. The only way to win is just go havesies. Now he's got

chestnut brown hair, full mop. And I had a friend, Gary Prince from New York, and you know, he would always look at someone in their sixties and go, yeah, give me a second. Wait a friend, Gary Prince from New York, and you know, he would always look at someone in their 60s and go, give me a second. Wait a minute. Not one gray hair. Not one. But I don't judge any of it because look, I figured this out last week and I don't know if I told you, but you are the product. So Tom Cruise, he is the product and we want Tom Cruise, we don't mind him looking a little older, but we don't want Grandpa Cruise. So do the little fillers, do a few things, just don't look, turn into a freak. That's David. Right. I think the idea, and you're right about this product thing, is you are the product,

you have to sell yourself. You're the Twinkie and Twinkies always stay the same. Now if Twinkies look old and beat up, you don't want them anymore. Exactly. And Liam Neeson at 77, they put him in an overcoat now. I don't like what you're saying. All he has to do is go like that and they cut, cut. So Tom Cruise can do this. Liam Neeson's wearing Spanx, you know, but he has to. He's 6'4", yeah, go ahead.

So Tom Cruise looks good. I mean, this movie, I was comparing it, like many of us, to Busboys and I was like, you could fit three Busboys. I mean this movie is long. It's so complicated. Busboys, we're trying to make it very simple. I mean our audience is gonna be two to five year olds.

So we're like, let's make it the simplest thing. We're two Busboys that wanna become waiters straight in our life. That's everything that will like, let's make it the simplest thing. We're two busboys that want to become waiters straight and out of life. That's everything. It's called a low budget comedy. They never call it a low budget action adventure with Tom Crane. That doesn't exist. Dude, me getting out of the car is our only stunt. Me going like this. Oh, well, let me ask you a question. We're not going to give away anything. No. But did you ever say, did you go alone to the movie theater? You know, you kind of. Yeah. We're not going to give away anything. No. But did you ever say, did you go alone to the movie theater?

You know, you're kind of go solo or you're with someone. I've gone in my more twilight years to the movies alone if I feel like it. I don't really get worried about it, but I did go with someone last night. So was there ever a stunt where he's hanging by his pinky from the Golden Gate Bridge or whatever he's doing, jumping out of a rocket ship. Did you ever say to yourself or out loud in the theater, get the fuck out of here? Yes. You did.

Well, when a giant that looks like the peanut M&M cartoon, but it says AI on it, and he's like fighting AI, I'm like, oh, that seems a little cheap. No, actually, I'm going to go down, Heather. Here we go. I'm switching. Watch this, everybody, talk about stunts. What does he do? What? Mickey Rooney just showed up.

Give me some height. So listen, Thomas Moe Pather Cruz comes out and the movie's a little lengthy. There's a couple things we don't need. I came in a half hour late and I nailed it almost perfectly. Saw Nicole Kidman come in, she still gets a smattering for that goddamn AMC commercial.

Where she walks into the theater. Oh, at the beginning, yeah. By the way, there's three commercials and four nine minute long previews. Let's go. Let's go. Well, they picked Nicole Kidman because actually they announced that this week she will not

be filming a live streaming show and it went global. So that's why she's like enjoy the movies because she hasn't been in a movie theater in a while. Well, actually baby girl, she did where she got a little pee pee. I go pee pee. Yeah. She was on all fours and was licking the milk, you know, but I mean, who doesn't do that?

They said it was kinky. Really? You want to see my audition for baby girl? That's me drinking the milk. Then I go, I can I go pee pee? That's what she says, right? Something like that. Well, there's a plethora.

Do you remember you went to state school? Is it kinky? There's a plethora of movies with women of a certain age, like say late forties to early sixties, becoming highly, highly erotic and sexualized. And Nicole Kidman is the queen of that right now. And I commend her. She's a great actress. Very pretty.

She's great, just great in everything she does. Saw her in LA when she was in SNL. Saw her in Australia then. Oh, you never told me about that. Ran into her smack dab in her hometown. And what'd you say? told me about that. Ran into her smack dab in her hometown. Yeah. And what'd you say? Well, well, golly gee, Ms. Kidman, I did pick some wildflowers for you.

No, my friend was embarrassing. What did you, what did he do? The quick story. There's no quick story. She was perfectly lovely. And as now, I saw her at a restaurant once after SNL, she said hi to me. Uh, so at least she remembered sort of some of the cast and crew. She's cool. Very polite, yeah. So I go to the Joe Dirt premiere in Australia, but we go the night before. We're invited to the Baz Luhrmann movie, you know?

What is that called? Baz Luhrmann, yeah. That guy. What is that called? Moulin Rouge, you did that. Moulin Rouge. Yeah, I was, yeah. How did Dana get that before you?

Because I did it in a venture. She goes, because Dana's listening. I'm actually listening. No, no, Moulin Rouge. So we go and they have every cinema, that's what they call it, and they have booze there. So me and my friend go in and my friend's sort of a super plus one. He's- Open car. sort of a super plus one. He's open, par, immediately wasted. He's baked.

You already got weed from the bodyguard. So Boulangerie is like watching, you know, sort of a strobe light. So it's not exactly for me. It's dancing and stuff. It's fanciful and there's lights. And she's in it. It's the premiere. Yeah.

We go in, me and my buddies say, you know, I got a feel for it. So we go, let's go to the bar. So we go to the bar. We go in, me and my buddies say, you know, I got a feel for it. So we go, let's go to the bar. So we go to the bar. We're coming back. No one's in the lobby anymore. Two bodyguards, Nicole Kidman sitting there holding her shoes. And I'm like, and he goes, that's Nicole Kidman. I go, is, and we walk up and she's on like a little tiny loveseat couch, you know? And the two bodyguards are there and she goes, um, she goes, Oh, hey, I go, Hey, I go, this movie's great. And she goes, Oh, why are you out here?

And I go, uh, pops. Didn't think there'd be a follow-up question. So then blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, Oh, why don't you sit down? And my buddy sits next to her before Before I can move, my buddy, Heather's not surprised, she knows him, sits down next to her and I go, oh, and the bodyguard's like, you know, they don't know.

I don't know if they know me, they don't know anything, but she's being friendly. And this is right after she broke up with Tom Cruise. So they're, you know, she's like Lady Diana down there. They loved her. So bodyguard's like this, I'm like this, waiter's like this, shark's like this, waiters like this, sharks like this. And so I say blah, blah, blah.

And then I can't even say what I said, but it was, I was a little- What's, you can say it on this podcast. I think I said something like, oh, she had a, this sounds so horrible and she'll kill me because it was embarrassing to her. I said something to the apologetically effective because she had her... I think she had...

What? I think she had slightly, barely hairy legs. Well, so she's wearing a... Just because she's so faint, redhead, I don't know. And she said, She's wearing a just... Just because she's so faint redhead, I don't know. And she said, oh, are you noticing that my legs are hairy? Is that not normal? And I said, oh, I just think, you know, I think I joke and it's like, well, hey, the

marketing campaign's back on. She was, oh my God, I have to shave my legs. I just shave them, I don't know, below the knee or whatever it was. And I said, oh yeah, I don't really know for sure all the rules. And then my buddy goes, the whole setup was not that weird, except my buddy leans over and goes, I think you have great legs. Touches from the knee down to her foot. Whoa.

Everyone froze. The bodyguard's like, Ramjet, Ramjet, eagle, eagle, bogey, bogey. Wow. Crazy, crazy. Did someone put hands on your? Yeah, they go, hey, sir, sir, sir. Yeah, you can't. And we're all like, yeah, you can't, you don't touch the princess of Australia.

I've had two celebrity tap outs and the celebrity tap out is like, I'm happy about it. Like I was at an event and Julia Roberts was over the way. And I, for some reason, I thought I should say hi. We were gonna do a Shakespeare thing. And she's- I like celebrity tap outs. Go ahead. Just celebrity tap out. So I started to walk over the big shit eating green.

And then I saw her kind of look down like that. Cause I understood she didn't want the, Hey, you know, I gotta say, you know, when you did this movie or that movie, so then later on it's Tom Hanks' event. We'd go there and read Shakespeare and act goofy. It is a theater. And she was, so we ended up having lunch

around this big table and she was super cool. So I use my trick that never has failed. And I go to the person next to my camera, movie star it was, and I said, have you ever had a supernatural experience besides meeting me? And then everyone goes around and has a- A poltergeist. Everyone goes around with a poltergeist scary story and everyone gets excited.

The only one over by himself, this is like six movie stars and me, is Keanu Reeves seated by himself facing away. And we're like, come on over. And that guy is the coolest. But I also had the same thing. I was in, I don't travel much, but I was in Paris in a cafe in the morning with my wife.

And I don't like small town. Country drop, city drop. Oh, here's one you won't expect. Little Parisian cafe late morning, guy comes in, he turns, he sees me and immediately turns away. So I don't know if I'm recognizable in that way, but he immediately turned away. And then I pivoted and turned away. And that person was guess Gary Oldman, Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, good one. It was the coolest. I know. Yep. But I didn't want to have small talk with him and he didn't want to have small talk with me, you know, so. Oh yeah. He's cool.

I'd say Joaquin, Benicio, Keanu, all those guys are the cool guys out there. I love it. Love it. Keanu Reeves is, whoa. Oh God. I don't think, I mean, he was Ted, I was Garth. We could have been Ted, it was Bill and Ted. Was he Ted? Bill and Garth, Ted and him.

Bill and Garth and Ted and Wayne, that would be the matchup. You know what? That should have been a big fucking matchup. Well, with chat GBT, look for that soon. Let's look at a clip. Let's look at a clip. Yeah, we could do that.

Julie Roberts, huge star by the way. Absolutely. Absolutely and incredibly nice. Once she saw, I wasn't gonna be slobbering on her and fanning out and incredibly nice. Once she saw I wasn't going to be slobbering on her and fanning out and was regular. Dana, I'm a little bit of a spendy Susie. I, a boozy Susie and a spendy Susie. I'm more of a boozy Susie, but yeah. But yeah, you are a spendy spender, yeah.

And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write in and say, you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face. But that's just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise, and you don't really drink very much, I'll tell the fans. No, just puffy.

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that I told you that and she was part of that disaster, but she was very friendly about it. She's told the guys, it's okay, it's okay, and then we excused ourselves and slinked. Well, since this is a rare live podcast, I'm just checking. David Spade dishes about Nicole Kidman's hairy legs. Hairy legs.

But says she is a great person. So you're fine. By the way, should we do a live podcast or would that be, it doesn't matter. I think it's- Let's go to the YouTube comments. We'll ask them. This is going to be released in 45 minutes.

So it's almost live. It's not like this. Greg has to do a three week edit. I want it. This is gonna be released in 45 minutes, so it's almost live. Yeah, this is pretty close. Greg has to do a three week edit, you know. I want it- I don't think anything gets edited out of our stupid show. No, our stupid show, that's the subtitle. So by the way, on Amazon, Dandelion is still playing. Yes, and thank you for bringing it up.

And I, if I, I'm sort of talking with them about a special and the working title is Sticker Bush. That's the name of an OnlyFans I follow. Oh yeah, that's not exactly, you know, I saw a dandelion today and I filmed it, even though no one could give a fat fuck. But I've seen three in a row in a patch of grass. You will never believe this. And they are all by themselves. There's not any other, there's just those. I like the white ones.

I didn't even know the yellow ones were dandelions, just to be honest. So I just like the fluffy white ones. You know, you blow on them. So they sit there, very fragile. They sit there and I'm like, again, I film, I'll put them in my stories, but, and then I want to be so excited. But crazy.

Let me ask you a question. Crazy. Not crazy. Does the dandelion as a way of, you know, having kids and propagating seeds, does it like to be blown on or would it rather have the wind take its stuff? Who would rather have straight sex? Now I think, is that what it does? The seeds go out? Do I even know that part? I don't know. That's usually about, you know, in the springtime, the wind comes and the flowers go all over the place.

Oh, that makes more sense. College of San Mateo, I don't really. But I did want to just sing the praises of Amazon, not just because you're on Amazon, Danny Lyon available right now on Amazon Prime, is why in the fuck is it so easy to receive and send packages on Amazon compared to FedEx, UPS, or going to some, the Gap site or anything. They- USPS. They fight you.

They, you know, and I figured it out that Amazon was sitting around, okay, we're gonna deliver packages. All right, Wilson, what's your idea? Well, I'm saying this and I'm only gonna say it once. What is it, Wilson? We're gonna leave the packages. Are you out of your mind? We'll put a sticker on the mailbox or on the gate and then they'll

come drive to us and get the package. Otherwise it'll be stolen. Some will get stolen, but we're going to make a fortune if we leave the package because they don't fight you. And when you go on Amazon Prime, I sent my brother 20 pounds of peanut brittle for a buck 90 iron, he got it two days later. 50th birthday present? I mean, it is so easy to receive and send shit on Amazon, it's addictive, but they are incredibly efficient. I agree with you that they said, Jenkins,

what do you think we should do? What would make a better service? And he goes, as fast as F-ing possible, we get them. You know, you can order an Amazon, I think Heather will vouch at noon and get it by like five that day. Is that possible? Yes, you can get it. You can get it.

You pay, but you get it. You paid $200 and get a phone cord. It works. Yeah. During breakfast, I realized I forgot my toothbrush and I ordered and I get it. It's basically this, you go to the post office, you deal with the UPS, their whole attitude is, what the fuck do you want?

Yeah, get out of here. With Amazon, it's like, can we help you? Want to order again? That's a really smart thing. Order 12 hundred bottles of baby oils. Do you want to see a baby oil? Well, whatever you do in your spare time. I'm having practice freak offs.

Just one case of baby oil. Just trying to get the beats down, see how they work. But if you go to FedEx sometimes, yeah, they leave a sticker. You have to drive the middle of nowhere. 60 miles away. It's just not, it's just, and when you try to order

something online, it's not Amazon. You put in your credit card info, you put everything, and then just red things come up. No, no, no. It's too much. Try again, bitch. Okay, last thing I'll tell you, if that's the last thing you're saying,

is I'm worried about, here's a prediction. It's very bold, Dana. I wanna hear it. Okay, I think you can handle it. I'm a little parched, so. Okay, take a sip. I feel like because of AI, it might be the end of Instagram pretty much

in a couple years, and OnlyFans. Because there's, when you go on Instagram, what are you really looking at? You're looking at photos. They can be, you don't know for sure if they're doctored. Videos of people doctored. Sports news. They have, you know, they have like the announcers going, and this fat fuck comes up to base. He throws it out.

Oh shit, man. I would have pissed my pants and that, you know, and it's the real guy's voice and this fat fuck comes up to base, he throws it out, oh shit man, I would have pissed my pants. And it's the real guy's voice, and it's a real scene, you don't know. And they have newscasters going, well, and more bullshit news today, they tell a real story. And you're like, do they say that?

And so it's getting so blurry, it makes me want to look at Instagram less because you just, you'll send somebody something they go, fake. Dude, this guy can't fall that far. This truck can't jump like that. And you go, well, so it takes the fun out of it. Well, look here, let me set the table for you.

Okay. Alphabet, i.e. Google, his parent company, just released some videos, i.e. short films, this week. And they showed them alongside another AI short film from a year ago. It's extraordinary. It looks like real people acting in real movies. There is no real people. There is no real set.

There's card faces. Fearful. It's perfection. So very soon, if Busboys is a hit, for the second Busboy movie, all you need is to get a prompter to go with AI and go Busboy, the sequel. This time, Theo Vaughn loses the girl. Press the button, sit back, and you'll

have the movie. Busboys 2, even stupider. That's what it's called. You prompt it and then you'll have the movie completely ready to go on Google or Amazon or in a movie theater and it'll all be made up by a computer. Will people care about an AI movie? Not if they'll love it if they can't tell any difference. If we say we went and filmed it, that's a good trick. Well, here's the deal.

We can make Wayne's World 3, it'll look just like Mike and I 35 years ago. Oh, I see. Mm-hmm. There might be something, maybe if it's your real voice and not AI and Mike wrote it, you guys write it. So it has some realistic realism to it because I don't know if everyone's gonna buy just, they might, I'm just more nervous about it

because things seem fake. Everywhere then. Well, that definitely, you can't believe anything you see and it is terrifying that they can make digital copies talking and doing obscene stuff. But the studios, I mean, the cost of just having the computer make the movie, but it looks just like Mission Impossible.

You don't have to get the helicopter up in the sky. I don't, I think it's kind of inevitable. Dude, Tom Cruise does his own stunts. You don't even need to where they are. I mean, he's hanging off this. He's on a biplane. He's in a submarine. He does some stuff.

That's so crazy. I do see some easy trims in that movie. I'm no expert, but if people are fidgeting, they do, they do go full length on those movies. Yeah. They, they, you know, they spend so much, they want it all on screen. I think that's what happens. The thing is, is that the director, they have to tamp Tom down because Tom Cruz seems to have no fear of anything. Yeah. And so he has suggested, they had a biplane with a prop and he said, put the prop plane on, get the propeller going full speed.

I'll put my head down and I'll sprint into the propeller. Through it? Yeah. Through the propeller. And they explained to him, Tom, no, the propeller is gonna chew up your head and he goes, come on, man. It's moving quite fast, Tom.

They do have to keep Tom under wraps. He says, what if I have to propeller, just trim me ball hair? What is that? Why are you like a pirate, me ball hair? Sounds funny. And they go, Tom, is that your compromise? The only compromise.

Have they ever suggested a stunt to Tom Cruise where he said, get the fuck out of town? No way, man, that's too dangerous. I don't think so. You know what? I'm trying to think of the one they said, oh, this is the one he does. And I'm like, trying to remember it from the movie

where the one is like, oh, that was crazy. And I'm like, I don't even remember where it was. He's walking on a biplane. This has all been in the trailer. He's hanging from a plane. Oh, I didn't watch the trailer. You know, yadda, yadda, yadda. There's submarine stuff, there's cold water. But I do feel like he's like,

I don't know a cartoon character like Marmaduke or something where everything bad keeps happening to him. I don't know what's a good cartoon character. Because he goes, I'm just gonna run to this submarine real quick. And then it's like, he gets, you know, he's on the biplane. He gets a splinter in his hand from the wing. Like it's just, then he does this and they run out of gas.

And they, it's like, whatever is in front of them. There's nine things that happen. Everything goes wrong. And you go, whatever could go wrong. It's exhausting. And he just goes and goes and goes. But I don't know at this point, what can you say? I mean, well, we all saw him driving around James Corden in planes and jumping out of planes. And yeah, I just want to know how to be less afraid of life. You know? Yeah.

She's not afraid. Yeah. I'm on like a, you know, just a regular Southwest Airlines and I'm kind of sweating. He's hanging by me. So anyway, I do it. Overall it was worth seeing because all that craziness, there's a lot of fun too. What about Lilo and Stitch? Fuck them. You know what? That was harsh. That was harsh. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know who they are. Yeah.

If I saw Lilo and Stitch at the Golden Gloves, I would know who they are. I would have no, no, no. I think it's Lilo and Stitch or Lilo and Stitch. It's all right. There's too much content. It's not because of our age group. It's not for me.

You can't see everything. I mean, you're like an award show guy. You're never going to miss the Grammys or the MN, whatever. I mean, you're like, you're glued to the tube. When someone's getting an award. I'm glued to the Indies at Cannes to play at one in the morning with a 45 minute standing ovation. Is there any chance, any chance you'll get nominated

for Busboys for an Oscar? Oscar? Probably not. What could you get? Fan favorite probably? Razzie? I mean, we're always in danger of being up for Razzie. Anyone in these comedies that people just want to. Yeah, I don't want to put that. Is that a word? All right, let's get to the hot stories. We're really wasting everyone's time.

They're just doing their dishes right now. It's low pressure. I just like this title. I don't know what this is about. I like it already. The human body is not meant to piss every day. Toilets have made our blood or soft. The human body is not meant to piss every day. Toilets have made our blood or soft. The human body is not meant to piss.

Should be able to piss up to 30 feet. What the fuck? Is this AI? See this is fun. That's AI. The faster the distance is met, the healthier your urinary tract is. Let me write that down

because I'm going to type it into a post later. The faster the distance is met, the healthier your urinary tract is. Let me write that down because I'm going to type it into a post later. The faster the distance is met, the healthier your urinary tract is. That's exactly right. It's kind of like a larynx. Expound on that. Yeah. Have you ever seen a healthy larynx? I've seen scans.

Sure. When you're looking at a scan of a healthy larynx, sound is coming out. You can measure sound. Right. And in terms of how hard it is. Okay, that's enough. You invite. All right, I like the guy that writes,

I'm trying to get mine to 35 feet. Dude, mine barely makes the commode. The commode? The bathroom. I don't know, sounds like if I ever did any kind of urinary. Have you gone all day without peeing? Never. No, unhealthy, unhealthy.

You're defeated. You go, well, we talked about that. If you have surgery, you come out of surgery, it doesn't have to be surgery. Then you either have at a certain point, they, they say you got to pee or I'm gonna have to cath you. Ooh, yeah. It's like a pencil. I go, what is bigger than where it's going? A full pencil? Okay, let's get that size.

Oh my God. And the nurse and two guys who game of Thrones ram it into my wiener. Yeah! I never heard you scream that. Oh, Heather said she has never heard me scream that loud. She was down the hall and when the nurse goes, okay, you woke up from your hernia, you're all good, you made it.

Now the part I don't like to tell you about. See this? Looks like a slim gym. We're going to ram this. I go, why are you waiting? I was asleep for five hours. You wake me up for the worst pain in my life. And then she does it. And I was like, no, Richard Belzer said he took his cat in and the guy had to check his butt.

So the doctor takes this huge finger and rams up the cat's ass and the cat goes, okay. Heather, you okay? When this fake story about a cat, Heather's mad about that. Whatever happens to me with a doctor, any kind of checkup or anything, I say, yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Any kind of, anything I do that, that would be

embarrassing. I always go the opposite. There's men are too embarrassed. And I go, let's do it. Let's go for it. So they go, you have to whack off into this glass for a sample. I go, leave the door open. Where are you going? Exactly. Where are you going? And they want you to give a urine sample and go, if you got a bigger cup, doc, you know, yeah. Yeah. Lord's preserves. Yeah.

I used to do this bit of a, this is kind of in the general area, a bit I dropped because it's kind of blue for me. You know, ears, nose and throat. It's kind of specific. You know, what do you do here? I do ears, I nose and throat. Anything else? No, it's just ears, nose and throat.

And then next door is the guy with the shingles. He's a doctor, goes, toes, balls and ass. That's all he does. Toes, balls and ass. Just three things. David? Shoulders, nips and pubes. I was waiting for it.

And that was a good one. Something. It is funny. Ears, nose and throat. You know, can you help me with my, nope, I'm just ears, nose. No, nothing about it. Nothing with the ear. I go ears, nose, and throat.

What about the eyes? Get your eyes. Don't even know how they work. Don't have no idea. I have a pain in my, no. Ears, nose, and throat. All right, next story. Next story. We got that one good. We got that one good. Yeah, that's the craziest roadhmm. All right, next story. Next story.

We got that one good, we got that one good. Yeah, that's- This is gonna be the craziest road rage I've ever seen. So she walks up- Oh, road rage, here you go, Heather. Pulls up her dress and diarrhea's all over her car. What? What? Walks back to her car.

I like the term diarrhea's. Smiles for the camera. Ha ha ha ha ha. Is she just diarrhea on my car? Yeah. How can you just diarrhea on command like that? That is a- Hot when keistered, ready to go for anyone who pops off.

Wherever her destination is, she's showing up on an empty tank. Oh. That makes it really hard to get that video from you. Ha ha ha. Damn what, go ahead. I don't think we should be allowed to show videos that are that sexy.

I don't think it's fair. Yeah. Dude, is this OnlyFans? What are we watching? That's a keeper. That's a keeper. That's a keeper. You want a girl that can diarrhea when you're mad at someone, hey, go diarrhea on them.

Well, we've covered urine and feces. I don't know what. Look at, we work a little blue this week. It's fine. It's mixed up. It's an adult show. We're not making up. This happened out in the world.

So we're just reporting the news. I'd say it's... Don't hate the player, hate the game. Okay, here we go, monkey. Look at monkey's the dog. Oh, and he paints. Monkey, a one of a kind artist who also happens to be a Belgian Malinois.

Looks like he's stressing. One of the Craigslist puppy. Monkey has achieved fame, not only for his tricks, Oh, I like that one. but for his extraordinary I can jump in a puddle. as a painter.

Under his dad's light. There's no way he painted that. Get out of town. No, that's- Fuck off, monkey. There's no way. Creating artwork that his dreams- Monkey lying piece of shit.

His abstract pieces are dynamic and expressive. He's spinning his head around. with vibrant energy. While he's- Maybe that one. There's Maybe that one. There's not that one. There's not that one. I can't do that. No, now they got a little funny. It's funny. It's not even AI, it's

Faker. It's a funny video. Monkey is so full of shit. The ROOP! He doesn't... Oh my... Unless you have a lot of Oh shit. The roof! The roof! Setting him apart as a trailblazer in the world of canine creativeness. Unless you have a lot of paintings by monkeys.

Way to go monkey, way to go. It looks like your art a little bit. What? You mean like a monkey could do it or a dog? No, you have artwork. Yes, I do. Maybe I'll share it with the audience. Let's show it next week,

because I said I wanted one for my house a long time ago. I know. Because I thought it was quite good. And then remember... It wasn't monkey good. I called you and asked you to still want some of my artwork and I guess you just had a bag of Cheetos or something like that. I couldn't. So I just hung up. Oh yeah. But I did want it still. You know it doesn't... You have some great stuff in your home, but it's not valuable. I mean, it's not valuable. Yours? No, I'm just saying, you know, no, you have nice.

Oh, yeah. No, mine's trash. Yeah, it's not valuable. Something for the walls. It comes with the house. I keep it. Yeah, photos and stuff like that. Okay. We realized we all agree, both judges agree that monkey's trying to bullshit everyone. I thought it was a very funny, well done parody

of a dog that could actually paint. I think they were serious though, that's the sad part. Really, I think it was a joke. And they did put the brush in the dog's face and have it go like that a little bit. Dude, they go like this up close? It's really good. Then they show him in his mouth, he's like, doesn't know anything.

Monkey goes spinning his head around. Look, dog people always want their dogs to be human. Of course. And that's just the fun of it. They're like, didn't Oprah say that just as profound as having a kid, how'd you get the puppy? How'd you like to be a dog named after another animal? That's embarrassing.

Oh, so it's a dog is called, they call it monkey. Yeah. That is kind of cruel. It's kind of rude actually. I would have called it. Yes. Good. I would have.

Even if you call it Jack or something, then you're like, ooh, you're like a human to me. You're like a friend. If I had a beautiful golden lab, I'd call it Larvi. Well, that's one of the top names this year. I tried to stop monkey. Larvi, Larvi. Larvi.

I may get a dog soon, but I'll wait till I... Ooh. Cause I really do love dogs. They're uppers. I mean, they're just like, for sure. Overnighted and stuff. My friend got a little baby beagle.

Would you ever do a beagle with a big floppy ears or sort of cute? Beagles are actually bad ass. Like beagles will go on your property, look at a gopher hole and stand over with it just and stand for hours, not moving, wait till a gopher comes and so they're actually really, really cool.

You can do stuff with them. I know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in it. with them. I know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in it. Is there no end to this? Scatological. Well, it was one of the hot news stories.

I know. Well, look, I did my toes, balls and ass, doctor, so I can't. I'm not going to judge you. You're a comedian. No one's blaming you. I'm the one that's filthy. You're good. I'm the one that's filthy. You're honest. You're good. I'm not a prude about it.

I'm trying to find my... What? Your favorite scatological joke? Hmm. Now, I can't say that, but I don't know that one. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm not that dirty. My act is probably R-rated, but it's not really offensive. No, it's not. It's not blue-blue. Not even close. No.

No. All right. Next one. Let's not blue blue, not even close. No. No. No. All right, next one. Let's see what we got. Anything fun? ["Spring Day in the City"] Discover the magic of Bet MGM Casino, where the excitement is always on deck. Pull up a seat and check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer. From roulette to blackjack, watch as a dealer hosts your table game and live chat with them throughout your experience to feel like you are actually at the casino. The excitement doesn't stop there with over

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Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee. Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. A closer look for you. Okay, basketball. Oh, this is how bad basketball is getting. What is this? Oh, it's like a foul or something.

Oh, they all fighting. It's a, okay, it's the beginning of a melee. Now they're just, who is she? Oh, a mom punches him. Oh, what? Started the fight? Oh, the mom comes and tries to take out Jack Harlow, whoever that kid is. Wow.

I do not want to get beat up by a mom. Which one was mom? Number 12? What's that? What's that? The car that drove in, hit a bunch of people this weekend. Oh, oh and... I think it's a little too rough. Well that's a little dark.

Yeah, a little dark. But, uh, Yeah, it's alright. I mean, listen, the news is out there. We're trying to protect America from the real news, all our listeners. We're just giving them little blibs and blabs. Yeah, we want you to, when you click off on this, we don't want you to go, whew. We want you to go, ha ha, that was fun. Yeah.

Even though we do break that rule sometimes. Okay, next one. Let's see. Let's see. Oh, this is me when I'm angry and all. It's a cat one, Heather, watch this. Oh, another cat, okay. Oh! Oh!

That's it. Oh! What was that? That slow motion or something? I like it. He goes, he goes, that's you at a singles bar going up to a woman. I go, Hey, good look. Good looking. Cats are gnarly in that way. You know, okay. Same weight class cat versus dog. Who wins? I say cat because it's got the claws and the teeth and the energy they go, they're so fast.

Yeah. They go crazy. They think they're claws. They're all kind of pent up and mad at all times. Well, I had... I look at Heather to get a reaction. She goes like this. She's the great cat defender.

Yeah, we had a cat named Boots. It was... Oh, right. You're a stupid guy. What was the joke you said? Cause he had fur on his... Well, Boots would, you know, when you're a kid and the cat would find its way to your bed,

I was on a bunk bed and get up and it would sit on my chest and its face would be looking right at me and it would be purring and kneading my chest and purring. Purr. And I'm looking at the cat in the eyes would be purring and needing my chest and purring. And I'm looking at the cat in the eyes and I'm like, I'm going, is this cat getting off on this?

I know. I think they are. That was my joke. He'd say that. I thought you said boots because he had white on his feet. Oh no boots. Yeah. We call them boots. Cause of that. Cause he had white, white, you know, but this is the one. Clever kids. The one I wanted to tell you was my cousin who has dogs, loves dogs.

He's a really strong guy, he's a pole vaulter. And he always said, well, basically don't be afraid of a dog, because all it is is a mouth. That's it, just a mouth. So a dog, a big dog came running at him and he was going out for a run. He grabbed it and picked it up and threw it over a fence. Didn't hurt the dog. So the dog is, the next thing it knows it's on the other side of the fence.

So remember, don't be afraid. Just pick the dog up, surprise it, pick it up and throw it over a fence. If you're strong, yeah. If you're strong. Do you know, Dana, when I'm on a plane, I always wonder, how long am I allowed to talk to somebody's baby? You know what I mean?

Before it gets weird. Like I get about three questions. I go, hi, it's one. And then I go, what's your name? Then they tell me, and then I go, how old are you? And then after that, I go, what's your Snap? What? Well, wait a minute, is that a baby that can talk?

What's your snapchat? You're talking about a toddler then? No, I'm talking about like you just see, let's say you see like a two-year-old. Yeah, cute. Yeah. And you're like, so cute. Aren't you cute? And then that's how far you get.

You can't go, no, you're really cute. You can't change your voice. You have to keep it like this. So cute. You can't go're really cute. You can't change your voice. You have to keep it like this. So cute. You can't go really cute. Good looking, actually. I know. They even the baby, or the toddler seems patronized. You're like, yeah, you know, you want some candy?

Or they just look at you like, you're a creepy old man. I'm three, not two. Quit trying to talk. Look at this ding in my nose. Can you see that ding? at you like you're a creepy old man. I'm three, not two. Mm-hmm. Look at this ding in my nose. Can you see that ding? It's fine. I can fix it. Won't. Won't.

Oh, you have a little nose issue? Okay, we're gonna talk about that next week. Mostly you say to the parent, right? Adorable, right? Oh, adorable. Really a cute kid. You gotta keep it light, like, aren't you a cutie?

You can't go, aren't you a cutie? Okay. Well, you know I have this little anxiety about flying, but I am getting better. Okay. But maybe five years ago, there's a baby behind me, then we're going down and the baby's starting to cry,

and we're about to take off, and it was kind of rough weather, so I'm feeling really anxious. So the baby's screaming was an actual soundtrack of what was inside my head. So it's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, hey, hey! I have sound effects too. I like that one.

And I'm thinking the same thing. People are going to shut that baby up and go, I'm just not screaming, but that's what's inside my head. That's what it's like. You're not a great flyer, but you get through it. Oh, still going. Thumbnail, thumbnail alert. Whoops. All right. Oh, still going. Thumbnail, thumbnail alert.

Whoops. All right. Well, I think in hindsight, in summary, Dana, we did a good job. We gave them a high quality show. I think it was good. It's just two friends talking. Maybe it wasn't our funniest. It wasn't our darkest.

It wasn't our weirdest. This is episode. It might be our funniest. It could have been our greatest podcast. We try not to judge, you know. It's episode 1,100 million. Mm-hmm, yeah. Don't be mad.

All right, so we'll see everybody next week, I guess. Next week, we've got a doozy and or a humdinger plan. Oh my God, Heather's already here with us. All right, I'm gonna jump off, Dan. Just give me three steps. Okay. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey,

Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Ooh.