Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #9 - Scandals and Madness

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

David and Dana break down all the important stuff. From squatters rights to P Diddy to gambling in sports to Tom Cruise sprinting. Submit advice videos to [e-mail]. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you had one extra hour a day in your life, what would you do? Take a nap, go for a run, read a book, or watch Wayne's World? I would do crunches and watch Wayne's World. Okay. You know, a lot of us spend our lives wishing we had more time. The question is time for what, right? If time was unlimited, how would you use it?

You know, therapy can help find what matters to you. So you can do more things that matter to you. You have to sort of pinpoint it. Then you can take some action. Yes. I actually had therapy and I still do it occasionally and, uh, it just kind of checks your thoughts, organizes your thoughts. We all get into negative thinking, worrying so much, especially in this crazy world.

So I do think that therapy is very useful. And for one hour, you can reset some of your thinking and your lifestyle, David. I've done therapy. No one believes it. I have. You're like, well, you need more. Because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you. Dog on it. People like you. Yep. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You fill out a brief questionnaire.

You get matched with a licensed therapist. That's important. Switch therapist anytime if you don't feel like it's vibing with you, no charge. Yep. Yeah. And it really can sort of organize your thoughts or organize your life.

You can maybe get you out of a hole in which everybody gets in. Yeah, learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash F-O-T-W today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash F-O-T-W. This NBA season, make every three pointer alley oop-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting

with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Oh Everyone's okay. You know what bugs the hell out of me? As my dad used to say, gripes my ass. What burns your onion? They say, Oh yeah. Well, if you're staying at someone's house, they have a guest room.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a nice warm bed for you back there. Okay. First of all, the bed has no capability of making warmth. It is a cold, inert bed, lifeless, until my buddy that is warm gets in the bed and warms it up. So stop giving all this cred to a bed. Well, someone's in there maybe. We'll push grandma out. Oh, you mean, oh yeah, but she's, uh, she's 107. Her, her, her mean body temperature is 65 because, you know, lack of circulation.

So we're noticing that your bed is not your background. So, yeah, well, yeah, this would be, if I do a little tease, I know it's made. I know I made it, but the thing about me and beds is like the sheet is a warfare situation the sheet because you get the sheet up and the blankets on top and then the sheet can go underneath and start to travel down to your legs so the sheet usually gets kicked off and then I'm just sweating into these comforters. Let me finish if I can. No, the sheet's not your friend. It's a bunch of bullshit. And then the pillowcase comes off too.

I sweat and I grind into it. I have nightmares and the pillowcase comes off. Fuck, my pillowcase is seen at all. If it could talk. I mean, just because when I wake up in the morning, I'm so thrashed, and the pillowcase is like, what the fuck, if you even knew what you did all night. Yeah, you usually, at least as far as I understand,

you wake up in a cold sweat several times a night. I mix it with hot sweat. Actually, I miss Kevin Nealon's joke where he says, I wake up, the sheets are in the kitchen, my pillow's in the garage, I don't know what happened. That's funny. Have you ever done this where you woke up and you didn't realize that you'd orientated your head

to the bottom of the bed and then you get up and you're running into things? I haven't done a full spin like that. Oh, I have. I wake up and everything is disorientated. It's kind of like we talked about on the road, how you just bang your shin like you're in an MMA fight on furniture.

You wake up in the road, you don't know you're in Little Rock. You're walking through a room you think is your house because you're in such a fog and then you crack your shin bone into something. Yeah. It's so hard folks. Guys, Dana, I did the road. I did five days. I just got home last night. Five nights of stand-up? Five or five days? I didn't do that many. I did two shows. Then I was in Austin. I went back to Austin to Kill Tony, which is a podcast podcast which was a lot of fun and you know when you stay in Austin, Austin has a lake around it. It's like a five mile lake. Anyway my first big joke on stage was

hey I've been here a while. I see you guys added a lake and then no one left and then I go and then no one left. And then I go, oh yeah, what's it called? And they all said Ladybird Lake. And I go, oh yeah, Murder Lake. There's been like eight murders there, Dana. And so I think it's an active serial killer, they call it. And so I stayed right on the lake and it's not in that pamphlet for the hotel,

I'll tell you that much. So I go down and I'm walking around and I got scared because I said, what is it with this? What is the serial killer looking for? I mean, what is the... They said, well, it's mostly 30s gay males that are very athletic. And I'm like, I can't leave the hotel. I mean... There you go. This is Did you do that on stage? No

I saved the funny ones for you. Okay. Okay only on superfly ladies and gentlemen but Dana how funny if something happened to me and then my obituaries like Gay David Spade was founded. I'm like, no, no, no, that, that guy might've thought I was. And then that's on my resume. You know what I mean? Totally for, for thousands of years. Let me ask you a question about this. Please. Does the serial killer, how does the lake involve that he dumps the bodies in

the lake? Is that what you're saying? Oh, that's a good question. I used to be a defense attorney. I didn't know you'd grill me this hard about it. I think it's a path around it, like how running up here in LA, but it's a path and it's very busy. A lot of electric bikes giving you a rug burn, they drive out, on your left, and I'm like,

uh, yeah, meow, meow, meow, meow. So they're going very fast and there's dogs and there's kids. And so I think you can just sit there and scout. No one knows who's scouting who. And then are there docks and boats with the houses on the lake? Right. Oh, they're out. Oh, Heather said there's some accidental drownings. Oh, accidental in quotes. Yeah, I see. It was in two feet of water. And he was an Olympic swimmer. Yeah, they found him on the beach.

Yeah. I call foul play. Ten bodies. So but they said anyway, I was worried because in my obituary, what if they asked the coroner and he's like, I went through the whole body and, uh, it's too close to call. I don't know if he's straight. I'm like, well, don't say that say a straight guy, but obviously someone thought, you know, it's that's not the way to go. Like from the wizard of Oz has come. I do declare that David's fate is very gay.

Truly, truly gay. That's not the song I want to hear on the news. No, it's more vibrato, isn't it? It's Catherine Harper, I don't know. I haven't done that in a long time. Other than that, we can get into headlines, but that was my big exciting weekend. TikToker tells illegal immigrants, this is for people listening in their car.

Tick tocker tells illegal immigrants how to invade American homes and invoke squatters rights. First of all, first of all, I, I don't even know why we invented squatters rights. It doesn't seem like something we need. Like if you can get in, I don't really know all the invented squatters rights. It doesn't seem like something we need. Like if you can get in, I don't really know all the rules, but if you can get into someone's house when they're gone and maybe call and say, I'm the new owner and I want to change the gas or water,

I think if you can get those in your name, there's something that determines it. I don't really understand it. And the guy who gave the talk, which I saw, was very cocky about it. It wasn't like if you need a house or if you're in danger, you're out in Wyoming, maybe you stay for a little bit. It was like, this is mine. But by the way, who we had on our sister podcast, Flying on the Wall, Jay Leno was technically

a squatter when he was really poor and struggling in LA. Oh, that's right. He'd go to an open house and then he'd hide and then they would leave and he would stay there for like a week. He just laid out, look at this joke I saw, new squat B and B like Airbnb service helps squatters find a perfect home to take over. That is funny because it is legal. Now it's turning into a whole little biz. The guy that did it, first of all, he comes here and then he tells people how to do it. It's chaos. It's upside down. Let me ask you a question. This is just off the top of my head. What is the word squatter?

How does it apply? It's so gross. Like you're squatting. the word squatter. How does it apply? So gross. Like, oh, look at this water became LeBron James's neighbor. That's a real story. Heather, see if that one's real. I was going to grab a house. It sounds like the onion. Yeah, it does. It's, I think that I think in some Western states, if your life is in danger, like you're lost in the woods, you see a cabin, you can quote squat. That's what, that's my, but I guess in California,

anything could happen. You know, we're a little, a little nutty out here folks. Well, it's not like they leave it spic and span. It's always like, oh, and there was a crack then and there was, you know, they tried. Excuse me, officer. I went to a Whole Foods and there's someone living in my house.

Yes, and what do you want me to do about it? Yeah, and you're arrested. Yeah, those are his rights. Thank you, officer. Oh, it's on the Daily Mail. It's real. Oh, they've been having ruckus parties. They're never just there to be cool. No, they make a ruckus. Oh, they charge people to go in to go to the, hey, come to the house next to LeBron's party. I'd go to that actually.

That sounds fun. Okay. What else we got? That's very cheerful. Oh, here we go. You want to read the headline for our drivers? Federal agents raid homes tied to buff daddy. Sean Combs. Yeah, Sean agents, raid homes, tied to Sean.

Daddy. Yeah. Sean Combs in LA and Miami. I drove by this yesterday. I hit you up. I drove by and didn't know that's what it was, but that's what it was. Um, okay. I'll just say it innocent till proven guilty.

You will. The other one, if it looks like a Donald Lee walks like a duck, Hey, you like a duck. Hey, you got a duck. I just ran out of colloquialism. I feel like there was one funny thing, because it's true. Now he, I like when the judge is going to say, it says here on your resume, you're a bad boy for life.

He's like, well, that's not, that's just my company and my lifestyle. But that looks bad. And then also there was something I saw that said, uh, there was some joke about, but Puff Daddy, Judge confronts him on all the, all the things that he says over and over. He does in his rap songs. He's been accused of. Well that would be the thing. It'd be like, uh, I'm the prosecutor attorney, Mr. Combs, this lyric, you'll get all the bitches you want and the bitches will do as you say.

What did you mean by that? Where are said bitches? Are they with us today? Are they on Zoom? I don't know, might be innocent, but it's maybe another case of just a lot of money making people become their authentic selves. Good night. Yeah. What if they send them into, as a punishment, into rap battle? That's a dumb joke. Sounds like war.

No, but here we have part two. There's a former Syracuse, meaning a really good basketball player, accused of being, I love this speech, a drug mule for rapper Diddy. What if the judge says, raper Diddy, and he goes, it's rapper. You're going to tilt the jury. Quit saying it, reading it wrong. Yeah, drug mule. So what does he do?

He hides in his basketball, up his B-hole. Well, it's kind of like, uh, you know, he's a star player. He's got a college degree, could have worked for a law firm. And then this is real. Yeah. And I guess it's cause he looks so unassuming and it probably does hide the drugs in the basketball. That's, that's fantastic. How does he get involved with Pup Dad? It's so fun. Oh, everyone's involved. He's like Kevin Bacon. Everyone has some connection.

You remember when Robert Smigel did a cartoon about P Diddy and it was all about no one knew what he did? He's a producer. He's a producer. What is the funniest thing that happened to me recently? I don't know. Oh, I was doing a podcast and everyone was smoking and there was fans blowing on me. I can't take it. I got to tell you.

I, you know, Harry's Razors, I, you know Harry's Razors, this reminds me of Harry's Razors. Because. Harry agrees that life is funny. Harry agrees that that's funny, but what isn't funny is getting ripped off. And they saw customers getting ripped off over and over, over price shaving products.

They said, let's do something better, Dave. Yes. And they did. And they did. I mean, they just made a, I'm gonna just say it, it's not on the ad copy. A superior product, which is super quality. And it's a fraction of the price.

It's not like those razors, those disposable razors, I'm not gonna mention any competitors, but these little plastic things that are in little bags and they just break in your hand and break off and you're in pain and they don't do anything. Right, you get them like at a hotel, they come down and they give you a razor. Then you're like this, and it's like,

it peels back one layer of your skin. You know what I mean? It's like those things. I'm not talking from personal experience. Then you have a hot towel and you compress it and you call downstairs. But anyway, the point is these hairy razors are great looking. There's a little bit retro. They're heavy in your hand. Got some heft to them. Yeah, it's like it really feels good on your skin to have rather than a lightweight thing that wants to just destroy your skin

Something heavy makes it fun makes it cool. You look cool doing it Which is half the battle, especially if you film it and show your friends when you shave Yeah, or just hang around in the bathroom until someone goes are you using this and then they see what's going on and you like this Oh me scrape With a little cartoon bubble. Yeah. They have a lot of stuff.

They have deodorant, they have lotion, they have body wash, hair gel. I think they put a lot of thought into this. They do a good job with all of them. Mm-hmm. Oh, by the way, for just three bucks, you can get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover. Yes. Three bucks at harrys.com slash fly. Wow. razor weighted handle foaming shave gel and a travel cover. Three bucks at harrys.com slash fly. Wow. That's crazy. Richly lathering skin softening body wash

incense like redwood your favorite wild lands and stone. You have to guess what those smell like. Well when people when I do, people walk by and they go, is someone wearing rocks? That's me. Are you wearing creek petals? No, but I have some in my pocket. Extra strength, high quality, amazing smelling deodorant for just under $5. Come on. Plus hair, other grooming products that fit your unique look and needs. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry in the risk of trial.

Makes sense to me, yep. Don't like your shave? Don't you worry, it's on them. Like that a lot. Convenient subscription option that you can cancel at any time. Good Lord. Getting ripped off is not funny. That's how we started this. Right. Get to Harry's, make the switch, get started with $13 trial set for just three bucks at

harrys.com slash fly. That's harrys.com slash fly for a $3 trial set. This show is sponsored by better help. So what is the first thing you do if you had an extra hour in your day? An extra hour in my day? Let's say usually I walkie talkie a lot with you. But if we weren't doing that. I would.

You'd hike, you'd go to the barn. I'd hike, yeah, I'd walk around, look around. Go to the well. I'd check things out, look at birds. Is that what you do? Yeah, I like nature. I'd go film some Instagram stories around town. A lot of people wish they had more time, that's pretty normal.

How would you use it? You'd probably do things that matter to you and therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. Yeah, otherwise you're just flailing around. It helps you focus things. I'm a flailer, I'll give you that. I mean, I had five years of therapy.

All right, six years, doesn't matter. Let's round off to seven. You know, on and off and it is a way to kind of orientate your feelings and thoughts. And I guess it's like the top of this ad. It's like, what do you want to do and do that? You know, it's funny because I take time to alphabetize my colognes, but I don't organize my thoughts. Right. And me, it was sometimes when I'm taking a hike and I'm going, God, what was I thinking? I was going about, if I went to the letter D in your alphabetization of your colognes, what would it be? Dior, Dion? I mean, what? Dracker. Yeah. So I spent an inordinate amount of times in my head.

It's like an OCD thing. Okay. Let's see his clone collection, the letter C. If you're thinking about starting therapy, like if you're crazy, like Dana and me, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible,

suited to your schedule. There's busy people out there. You fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch to a different one if you want to at any time, no charge. I think that's a huge feature. So it's a lack of pressure. Last thing you want is any kind of pressure around choosing a therapist. And I think BetterHelp makes it very easy to switch if it's just not the right connection. Right. Learn to make time for it. Makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash superfly today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash superfly. This new one is Obama fearing Biden lost to Trump is on the phone to strategize. So they're talking. What would they be talking about? What would, Hey, how would I do this? Joe, Joe, Joe broke Obama. Yeah. So it was probably Obama. Joe. I can't understand what you just said. Come on. I can do it. Joe, you got to pound the ground game. Michigan and Pennsylvania. Close race. Got to pound it.

Got to pound it down to the ground again. It's just a pound down to ground. Can't believe it's not butter. Joe. Take it. Take it down to pound town. Pound down, pound down, pound down to ground town. Cirque's clown.

Get around. I get around. Can't believe it's not butter. Joe, hold on. Hold on. When you say you can't believe it's not butter, I don't understand what you're talking about. That's just a margarine product.

This man, you're factored to in fact, it tastes like butter. So why? Obama, don't try to figure it out. He's just saying crazy things. Hunter, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Why does he say can't believe it's not butter when it's clearly just a margarine product?

Margarine product. Designed to be like butter. I don't know, as he butter when it's clearly just a margarine product designed to be like butter. I don't know, he says all the time, not a problem. Hey, I'm going to China next week, hang out with some friends, want to come? Hunter, let it go. Never gonna happen. Obama will go. He won't go. He's too smart for that. Yeah, I make money my own way. Come on now.

You remember the butter commercial goes better, better. And then he goes, Park. Hey, Oh, that, I mean how that's next time. Remember that? No, my main, my, my first thought was the only one who could understand Joe Biden was Hunter. Hey, buddy. See what somebody say? Uh, yeah. I'm doing good dad. No, I get some dinner? No, I already ate. Okay, so, so, so. Yeah, I can do it tomorrow, eight o'clock.

All right, so, so, so then. So, that was my- What? Who'd you see at Whole Foods? I just, yeah. Whole Foods, you know, why do they say Whole Foods? Come time, they have a half a carrot. That's not whole.

That's a lot. All right, here we go. Blood, soap, so yeah. You told me about this blood. So Tom Cruise, when I saw this story, it said blood soaked and it said fake blood. No shit. Tom Cruise runs through London information. Possibly. By the way, Tom Cruise has got it made any movie he's about to do. He's running and they, And that's usually the poster, the trailer, the everything. He's always in the running and he runs really fast. I don't know if he does it every take, I would not. But every take he fucking sprints. That's mysterious to me. And I would like to know what he does to make this happen.

Because to be honest, I'll go to track meets and watch men in their 60s run a 100 meter dash and they go get set, they're in the blocks and they yell, the gun goes off, they look like they're having a fist fight with their body. I mean, every single part of their body is rebelling. They're trying to go fast and they're just like mummies going down the hill.

So then I see Tom Cruise as- Well the best part about that story, Dana, is that you go to track meets for 60 year olds and watch. Well, they have a division sometimes. And now the 60 to 64 year olds will try to especially in indoor track meets. Hey, Sonny. 60 meter down on your mark, get set. And then they just...

They're so tight. The hip mobility that he has to have, his Achilles tendons and calves have to withstand what he's doing and he's sprinting 40 to 50 yards all day long. So I don't know if we can show a video of it, but maybe put it in later, Greg. But it's pretty impressive. It's more impressive than hanging from airplanes, holding his breath for seven minutes. This is the most impressive thing Tom Cruise does. Props from me is being able to sprint at his age like he does. Good night. People remember? Yeah. When I did the wrong missy, there was a scene where me and Swartzen have to run across the whole hotel. Yeah. And I go, I don't think at this point, because my neck's so bad, I can really like just run. I used to be pretty fast. So I go, I don't think at this point, because my neck's so bad, I can really just run. I used to be pretty fast.

So I go, let's fast walk. And Nick's like, what are you talking about? I go, it's more like we're trying to be not suspicious if we fast walk, which looks, it kind of looked funnier. So it sold it a little bit, but I was like, I don't think I could do this. And when I'm in Pilates, they go, can you touch your toes? I go, I can't touch my waist.

They're like, oh, I can't but my top button. What are you trying to get? I can't look at my belly button. They're like, yeah, all I'm saying is I'm tight. But yeah, the hip mobility to do that, that's a big thing. And I know you've been on top of that through through your time on planet Earth. Yes, I'm on top of making myself looser. Okay.

Okay. This guy's got a lot of heat on him. This, he can't make a bad move here. He does. Jeremy Allen White. He is a great actor. I mean, but if you look at these two, you don't look at Jeremy Allen White and go, Springsteen, right? But he's such a good actor.

He'll find an angle. But I heard they, Springsteen approved this biopic, and then they were asking, you know, who's going to play me? Who's going to play me on the biopic about myself? And they said, it's going to be by, it's going to be Jeremy Allen White. Jeremy Allen who? Well, he's the guy, he's the guy from the bear. Oh, I like that. You're going to have a bear play the boss, an actual bear. That's avant-garde. I like that.

So a bear's going to play the boss. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I thought about that 20 minutes ago. Jeremy Owen White should play a bear. That should be the real one. But what about Spring's going, it's not going to be that Timothy Shamalama ding dong guys. We have a Timothee Shalamingo.

Timothee Shalamonga Manga is doing a Bob Dylan biopic. So I thought this would be fun to talk about. And they tell Dylan that, you know, hey, who's playing me in my biopic? And they go, it's Timothy Shalamay. Oh, Shalamay. I once had a Ford Shalamay. Sounds like a Ford. It was a nice car, Ford Chalamet. Oh, Chalamet. I once had a Ford Chalamet. Sounds like a Ford. It was a nice car. Ford Chalamet.

Well, it's actually Timothy Chalamet. Emperor Chalamet destroyed the Ottoman Empire in 1442. He goes, I haven't seen a movie in 28 years, but is it the guy from Dune II? years but is it the guy from Dune 2? I enjoy it at Dune 2. Better than Dune 1 but 2 is always more than one. I like sequels. Hey see if you can pull up the new picture of Bruce Springsteen because I know who should be playing him it should be Megan. Megan Rippone. What are you talking about? What's happening? Scroll down. There we go.

No, come on, that's not real. All this way for that fucking Megan Rippone joke. That's Megan Rippone? No, that's Springsteen. No, it's not. Look at him dressed in a half button. It's not the same drummer. No, that's a-

He turned to Phoenix to do a gig. Well, that blows my mind. You folks are watching this on YouTube or driving. He's got his shirt open. He looks... His hair is white. Like an angel. And he looks like an angel. No, I love the boss.

Hey, I thought I'd just mix it up a little bit, you know, and only have four buttons down. And I've been working on my pecs like, oh, you know, you know how fast Tom Cruise can run? Well, I can make my pecs dance like on Schwarzenegger 1993. The tell okay, now I know it's Springsteen, know why? Because the other thing about aging, don't wanna make the whole podcast about this, is that that one on his left wrist is for arthritis, I'll bet, because playing the guitar like way he does,

and he's got a little glove on his right hand that kinda helping his fingers not cramp up. Yeah. Yeah, there he is. I love Springsteen, I just didn't recognize him. You can tell his face that's at him. Yeah. That's him. I think his love spring scene. I just didn't recognize him. You can tell his face that that's him. Yeah. That's him. I think his hair just went gray and he didn't dye it.

I mean, listen, that's his big problem. Well, he should have went salt and pepper. It's just a little jarring to people. You go pure, let me start. You go pure pepper and then you go salt and pepper and then you go more salt than pepper and then you go pure salt. You don't go pure pepper to pure salt.

Good night. He went, he goes, he goes, give me the ghost. I want to look pale with titties and short white hair. I mean, it's just one of those things. He's gone his whole life without a bad picture. He finally, yeah, he's got a million pictures. Fucking club. Jesus. And then right before he went on, he looked at someone, Finally. Yeah. He's got a million pictures. Fucking club. Jesus. And then right before he went on, he looked at someone, some young person goes,

Hey, you think I look like Jeremy Allen White? They go, no, we're getting Tilda Swanson. That's who they said. He looked like they're OK. I got the Tilda Swanson. That's funny. What is it? I'm laughing inside right now. That's good. It's very smooth. He shaved his. He shaved his chest. He shaved his face. And he's got little wedges behind his ears. So she thinks they look like moves or boobs or something.

But I think it's just that's a lighting problem. He's leaning back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, pictures do not tell the truth. So we're going to just punt on this and say, that's just an awkward picture of the boss. Okay, next one. But that was a good, we stumbled into that one. Yeah.

It took 30 minutes, but we got there. We have editing capability. Oh, because it's final four time March Madness Yeah, this was on the internet. I don't even remember him doing this. So Let's take a look at Farley as Christian late early old bit playing a basketball player Okay, I'm Christian Laker 1992 Duke Kentucky. Kentucky's up by one. Christian's got the ball. Two seconds left.

He shoots a beautiful turnaround jumper. Oh, it's his own rebound. Oh, no. The wins game of the century. And that's the way it happened. Well, well, Chris is always great, but it wasn't, they didn't play into Chris's strength. I mean they should have had him playing the guys and missing shots by a mile and then

screaming and writhing in pain or something. He was all kind of smooth and they were frozen and he made the shot. So he didn't have anything to play against. He's good at basketball. So he was probably arguing them, what if I'm really good in this? And they're like, they probably met him in the middle and then it was nowhere. But he's funny yelling.

Yeah, Chris is a natural athlete. But it's like if he got fouled and they said, no, it wasn't a foul, then he'd flip out. They asked me to do a promo like this. Sounds like a joke setup. I did do one of these, if we have it. If we don't, it's okay. But I did do a couple with Amari Stoudelmeyer.

I was teaching him how to play. All right, great. Here we go. Sure, I'm ready to show the NBA fans that I'm dedicated to taking my game to another level. So I decided to get some help from the best. When he came to me, I sat him down right away and I said, listen, man, I'm gonna coach you.

I'm not your daddy, I'm not your mommy, I'm not your little sister. Gonna give you a few pointers, just some basic stuff. When I come in, I'm Duncan. I give him the swimmer. What's up? Give him the swimmer. That's totally legal. I'm not your preacher, I'm not your best friend from eighth grade. The best thing you can do is flop.

That's another rule. And then when a guy just taps you, I'll make it big like Kramer. And I'm not your cashier, your precious God dang El Pollo loco you go to every day. So give me a little tap, I'll show you how to fall. Ow! Dang it! Dude! Ow, I got a stinger!

God, the stinger! I got a stinger. That's good. We were just starting to get along. I'm here to whip your ass into shape and get you to the next level. I walked off, he hit me too hard. What, what year was this?

Oh, there was another one. Hey man. I did four of those, there's another one. Hey, man. I did four of those. They were pretty funny. I told them how to wear goggles. They were funny. You have to give it so it's an unenthused one. You go, what did you... I was just thinking about

you just had started to do a little bit of the peninsula, little goatee patch. Gross, yeah. And you just sort of, you saw you were just off SNL kind of maybe? Yeah, the Suns, some of the work with the Suns had me come do it. It sounded like fun and Amari was cool and we just, no script, just that's the thing. Come in, do five promos that are each minute and just make up some funny shit. I'm like, so we made up some funny ones. It was all right.

And he was very cool. He said, do whatever, just tell me what to do. And I liked him a lot. And I didn't know where they aired. They might have aired at the gas pump at Circle K on Indian school. I don't know. OK. Hey, man, it's a paycheck unless it was volunteer.

I don't know if it was a paycheck. Oh, OK. This is the one I always get sent and people say explain things. This is, okay, so William Morris has four floor seats at the games. I was William Morris, they gave me two seats. I took Chris. And back in those days, I don't know if it's still this way,

but if you get out of the four, you get the two good ones. One of you gets to sit next to the bench. And so the first half I did in the second half we flipped and he did. And sometimes you got to sit next to Kobe because he would sit at the end of the bench. But I know you think of Kobe is like a freewheeling lazy player, but he was usually focused and I do I do and I don't know why You you you you're you think he always half-asses a phone and care about basketball Yeah, but so this was Remarkably caught on camera The way they shot it and just play it first and I'll explain it.

But everyone sends me this all the time. What you gotta do is play a post down. He's just being funny. Telling jokes and take a look at Kobe Bryant. Isn't that funny? The announcer caught and they pulled back. Wow. Talk about a zone.

I was at a hotel once and the Sacramento Kings were there and they were playing the Lakers in the playoffs when the Lakers had Shaq and it got on with me a tough game. And I actually said to the coach, the only way you can win is to try to tire out Shaq. And they said that to the coach. Yeah. The only way you can win is run Shaq, rag it, and try to get him tired. I think they won that game, but I'm not saying I could give advice. You coached them to the, you coached, but you coached against the Lakers is what you really did. Well, I was, I was working out with the Kings at the time, just at a hotel place.

They were stretching. Yeah. And that's before Sandler did it. You did it. Uh. Sandler goes to the cities and he goes, Ga-ga-za-boo, and they go, all right, come down. I thought about, what are you doing?

Okay, before you play this, you know about Shohei Otani. Does everyone know we have a new Asian baseball player? And what he did was he deferred his income. He's going to get $700 million in 10 years, but for the next 10 years, he's going to get $1,800 a year. He's living at the Motel 6. He's at the Oakwoods. He's at the Oakwoods, but he'll be worth $700 million.

Okay, what's this? Pete Rose. Oh, this is... So Shohei, his interpreter got busted for gambling. So Shohei, they found out his interpreter blew four and a half million dollars on gambling, which is, you know, interesting. And a big problem in baseball, I'm sure, is that they got to make sure no one's gambling in all sports. You're not allowed to. So they said, Shohei, wait. they said, show hey wait.

He said yes. I covered his four and a half million dollar gambling problem. And they said, wait, was it you gambling? And then they waited and then they had another interpreter go, oh no, um no. He was just saying no. He hasn't, he doesn't know anything about it. So Pete Rose comes out and says this, which is funny. Well, back in the 70s and 80s, I wish I'd had an interpreter. I'd be Scott Free. Isn't that kind of a good point? Well, yeah, they're saying Shohei might, you know, they go, well, you know, then they have gamblers, of course, get on TikTok within minutes and be like, hey, You know, then they have gamblers of course get on TikTok within minutes and be like, hey, this guy's got a big, you know, show, hey, allegedly gambles. Now, I'm sure a lot of them do.

You're not allowed to bet on your own team, of course. That's the worst thing you can do. But basketball, baseball, all of it is so vague because draft kings and FanDuel, they're teamed up with the NFL and the NBA. They're in the stadium. They're all over the place. They're on their jerseys. And then like, but you guys don't do it. It's like, it's getting a little blurry, a little murky. And so I just thought it was funny.

Like Pete Rose is sitting here banned from the hall of fame because he bet a little bit in the old days and now betting is the like greatest thing in the world. Well, my question is this, how does the interpreter without Shana Hay, Shohei's help, even get four and a half million in debt? You know, what's he getting paid if it's not being seeded? That's the big story. How much do you get paid? As an interpreter? I mean, either that it's just like a friend thing, you know, like, hey, I know I was interpreting for you, but can I get your bank account numbers? I mean, maybe because he has to do everything for him.

Maybe he was the account, usually the business manager, sorry, Warren Grant or the accountant steals the money, but the interpreter getting access to all this stuff. Hey man, what's your pin for your ATM? Well, maybe because he says, Hey Shohei, you just got a big fat check for 1800. You want me to go pop it in the bank for you? Uh, I'll go tell them what do you want them to do? And he says, put it in my account. And then the interpreter goes, put it in my account. You know what I mean? Because Shohei doesn't know what he's saying in English. Well, yeah. Well, just so for, we have some baseball fans.

Shohei is his nickname, right? The athlete that we're talking about has never been seen in the modern era. I think Babe Ruth maybe was the last guy to be an incredible pitcher and the best hitter. So Shohei is a double threat. He's like one of the best pitchers. So Shohei is a double threat. He's like one of the best pitchers. He has an elbow injury right now. One of the best pitchers in Major League Baseball and history and the best. That's why you get 700 million.

You get close to a billion when you're that good at two positions. Could I just do... Dana, he should be talked about way more for how good he is. But, uh, rather than talking way more for how good he is. But... Yeah, rather than the money he's making. We're talking about it for the wrong reasons now. You don't get seven or a million without being pretty good. Okay, go ahead.

Can I do... I was gonna do, because by popular demand, I know that people liked when I had the Japanese man in an earthquake. I'm honestly just... Okay, you wanna do it again? Part two. Part two.

Part two? This... Okay. The sequel. Yeah. This is just a very polite, friendly Japanese man with a friend and then there's a little bit of a tremor. Here we go.

Okay, here we go. I see. It's a little bit of a... It's a little bit of a... It's a little bit of a... It's a little bit of a... It's a little bit of a... So, I said, no, but you do.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no was like, oh. And scene.

Everyone's okay? Yeah. No, hey man, Tokyo is, you could put a 10.0 in there and all the villains just shake. They don't go down for nobody. Now, the title wave's another story. Also, you had came out of the sequel in less than a year. That's very rare. What's better than getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin? Getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax for

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Advice, okay. Oh look, we got a girl. Okay. I'm back. Here we go. Look at the bottom. It says advice. I could use your advice.

Yes. I recently starred in only fans I've done it before previous seasons always springtime seasons It helps me make rent, but I'm in the case where I need to make a lot of money quickly So my question for you two is Because you have the male perspective And you have money I? want to know

What you think I should put on my own? To make a lot of money oh as a solo female solo artist Oh. As a solo female. Solo artist. Okay. Well. All right. Well, I get asked this question a lot.

I get it all the time. Oh yeah. But then I say to my wife, come on. David, I'll let you tackle this. You don't have to. You can go. I would say this. Okay.

In all sincerity, do the minimal amount you have to do in terms of being pornographic and get the money. OnlyFans is not all, you know, you can just, there's a lot of lonely men. All you need is about five million lonely men globally, because the digital audience is five billion. So you need five million and just be their surrogate girlfriend. Maybe sometimes you wear a blouse. Say like, do the minimal you can, see what you're making.

See how I'm giving actual real advice. And then if you have to up the ante and you actually need the money, it's better than an 1890 walk in the streets of London. Is that a prostitute? Yeah. Okay. Because you're never, you're virtual. But I'd say do the minimal and get the most money with the minimal amount. It seems like a new version. It's better than being a stripper in the old days or a peeler as they say in Canada. Because in the strip club the guys are right there they get to know

you they know your car they can wait for you when you leave it seems like a bad risky if you're going to do something like that that was the really risky way to do it but today you're in your house you do it you do it for a half hour you make i see the easiness of it of why it's appealing and the money i don't know if and the money. I don't know if they all make money. I don't know if you need a big audience already. Like if you're a big influencer, then it's more risky that everyone finds out. I think the worst case is you don't have a lot of people, you do it and really only your friends and family find out. And then you don't really make a lot of money. That's gotta be it. That's true. Here's a way to test yourself.

Like if you took the content, the video from it, and you're getting married, and then when there's the reception, it's played on a big screen, would you be okay with your husband to be and all your family and friends? Yeah. That's a test, you have to think.

That's a test. If you can show it to them and they'll be like friends. That's a test. You have to think. That's a test. If you can show it to them and they'll be like, ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I would say. My question is to you, would you do OnlyFans? Do men do OnlyFans? I think they do and they make money. I think Tyga, I saw on a chart on Yahoo News

was saying that he makes a lot. I don't know what he does. I hope it's not sinned. Wait a minute. You seem to know a lot about OnlyFans. I'm just an observation. Well that girl, Bad Baby, that I did that video with, she makes 20 million a year. So you start to go, oh, OnlyFans people make more than Tom Cruise now. So I see the allure, but hang on. Before this next question, I would say try to go into the guys that like feet or something specific.

I think you can make it doing the weirdest stuff and it doesn't have to be the most actually having sex on camera. Foot fetish, that's a great handle. Thank you for the question. Okay, what's the next one? What's this guy's OnlyFans question? Hi David and Dana.

This is Rick Tittle. I'm on the Quartz Trail just in Scottsdale. I'm sure Spade is familiar with this. My advice I need is at what age should I stop playing video games? Because I'm the same age as Spade. All right, love the pod. Thanks, guys. Little Rick Tittle should have gone into being a weatherman. Rick Tittle or like a guy who comes off the bench.

Rick Tittle is actually playing some time now for Los Angeles and Tittle. Tittle goes inside. We'll be back with Rick Tittle in your five day. Okay. So, so OK. Oh, yeah, obviously. Oh, yeah. By the way, you can always ask for video advice by writing superfly at Odyssey dot com. A U D A C Y dot com. But OK, so Rick Scottsdale, I don't know that trail.

Video games is something I never got into, but it's such a good time killer. I've heard I should do it. I mean, other than Angry Birds, there's not much really high quality. But I never got into Super Mario. I never got into Call of Duty and all the ones. I'm not a tweaker or a twitcher. I was in the 90s. It was Donkey Kong. It was like little gorillas throwing barrels at you.

It was very cute. I would say just keep going because now AI, AI is going to start making video games. And pretty soon you'll be in a room, it'll be three dimensional, it'll be water spraying at you. Or try to get a job as an AI engineer because NVIDIA, who makes all the microchips and is a trillion dollar, two trillion dollar company, started with video games. So maybe you can parlay that because the world's becoming virtual, David. Yeah.

Everything is virtual. You might, yeah. You might want to know something about video games. That might be good for Rick Tittle. Also, like OnlyFans, there's video gamers that make a killing. And I'm sure every kid in the world is saying, but mom, if you let me play video games all day,

I might get to the Game Olympics or one of these big conventions. Yeah. And and get sponsored like skateboarding, like all that. So I don't know. I would say do it just for your own mental health for fun. But if it takes over your life, that's, I would, I would say just do it, but don't have it. Don't have the tableau look like this dark basement potato chip wrappers all around beer, beer cans. Uh, and then your, the game's getting you anxious and angry.

You know, you don't, you want to be light about it. Can you keep it a little crazy? All right. That might be it for the advice. Unless you want to do one more. Oh, you want me to explain this picture real quick? Yes. I love someone wrote me and said, explain.

So some people just explain the haircut? Well, all I'm seeing is you on my screen. I loved that fucking purple shirt I had and it was silk. I remember that shirt. You wore that a lot. Oh, I wore that fucking shit on it. So during SNL, I was doing that receptionist sketch where I go, and you are, and you are. And it got a little bit of attention.

So the guy running the MTV awards said, why don't you come here and do it an interstitial bit, but you have access to our performers. They would come do it. You have to have someone famous that you act like you don't recognize them and you're talking down to them as the bit. So I said, oh, how fun.

So I got Ringo Starr and pinhead and someone else. Oh, dice, I think. So we took a picture, luckily, and it's the most random picture. Why Ringo Starr is wearing that? I don't know, but I love him. You love him. And I forgot I got to meet him. Peace and love brothers.

He said love. They were my brothers. They were my brothers. Look at Dana's balloons. He just balloons. Did I, what is that on my screen? I don't know. Yeah, that was-

My screen's going wacky. Peace and love. Peace and love. Now I just see you. It's been a rotation. Look at your balloons. Is Greg doing that? I don't think he can do it.

I don't even know. Are we going to wrap up the show with this? I'm not doing it. My screen's gone. This is Riverside. It is an AI. I only saw you. You think he can do a peace sign that I could trigger it? Or a waving thing to something? Something's weird on my... Oh my god. Well, I only see you now, David. This whole thing. And I want to press any buttons. I only see you. Well, we should end it on that sort of mistake. Just gumbob-a-lady.

I like it. Yeah. So those are actually, I like advice. So we'll do it again. So do it next week. Yeah. We have great vague advice that won't help anyone. Let us know.

We won't really help, but we didn't shit on them. We were pretty respectful, you know. No. And thanks for watching. Thanks for listening and come see me in the So. And thanks for watching, thanks for listening. And come see me in the road, and that's about it, Dana, anything for you? Go Warriors?

Go over to Super, go over to Fly on the Wall if you're really bored, and watch that one on audio. All right, thanks guys. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillsta Entertainment, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.