Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - Victoria Jackson

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Handstands at 60, garbage can boobs, and original songs with Victoria Jackson. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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with iGaming Ontario. Dana, we have an old favorite who is there, both of us, mostly you, but also with me. He overlapped you five years with me. And then you're Jackson, Victoria. One and only Victoria Jackson. We had a great chat with her. She is so fun and bubbly and I think very

memorable from the show because we all sort of had a crush on her. She's very nice, very sweet. She seemed like such a down to earth young lady. Yeah. I mean, I think in the early days, people might think it's a character she's playing, but she's exactly the same person on TV, not on TV. And she does some really funny songs with a ukulele with her style and singing about

different topics. Oh yeah. And they're really, really funny songs with a ukulele with her style and singing about different topics. Oh yeah. And they're really, really funny. So I'd stay tuned for those. And she's just a kick in the pants. Just a... Yeah, there's a lot about her I did not know. And we really just cracked up and she's so sweet about everything. I remember I did a few sketches with her. You obviously did more, but what a sweetheart. And also, but they should know, the audience should know that right after we did this about a week later, she did announce she's having some health problems and that's why we don't address it, but I think that's up to her. So, but we just had a great chat with someone we are fond of and hopefully

a laugh along with her. Yes. And we wish her all the best. we are fond of and hopefully laugh along with her. Yes, and we wish her all the best. And I just enjoyed talking to her so much. I'm so glad we got her on the show. So enjoy the one and only Victoria Jackson. ["Don't Mind My Scruff"] Don't mind my scruff. Don't mind my age.

Age? You don't have a line in your face. I don't know what you're doing. I want to meet your dermatologist. I have a ring light and I have a filter. And oh, you have a filter too. Oh, you look great. I didn't, I couldn't, that couldn't afford a filter. This is raw. I can't afford a couldn't, that couldn't afford a filter.

This is raw. I can't afford ring light. I just lit my room on fire. This is just raw. It's got a nice glow. I love you guys' show. It makes me, makes me feel 28 again when I listen to you guys.

Really? Okay. I'm trying to make my voice young. Well, isn't that special? You, we're so happy to have you because- Victoria. We were there, you and I together for six freaking years. I know.

Remember? Were you the whole run with Dana, Victoria? I was 86 to 92. I stayed one more year. Yeah. But year. Yeah. Yeah. Embarrassing. And we always got along great. You are the nicest person in the cast to me. When David came, he was with Spade and Farley and Sam were all the time. So I didn't get to see him that much, but when he first came, he asked me to be in a picture with him for his mom. I was in that picture, I think. Oh, that magazine cover.

It was very sweet. You were so sweet. How much you loved your mom. I love to watch your show. It's so fun. I mean, listen, I don't I, I never see people on it though. I just hear them. Well, we have a second podcast.

We called it Superfly. That comes out on Fridays on YouTube. Yes, I watch it. I saw Lovitz on it. Hello. You saw Lovitz. I saw Lovitz. I just try to always do Lovitz right back to Lovitz

no matter what he says. Do you remember when we used to hang out? For a period of time. Wait, aren't you supposed to save this for the show? No, this is the show. This is all the show. Did we start? Yeah, yeah, we're almost done.

We started an hour ago. No, no, what we do is, you know do is we record your intro and then we just come in and we're talking now. Good. I like wrong. There's no rules. Yeah, you did everything right. You can say anything, do anything.

I don't know if that'll... I don't know if we'll be able to hear it. It's a ukulele, right? It's the Dana and David show. Fly on the wall. A bonus bird buzz swat. I made that up for you. Wait, it's the wrong key.

Okay, try again. It's the Dana and David show, fly on the wall, buzz buzz swat. That's actually so silly. It's actually great. Buzz, buzz, swat. I love it. Buzz, buzz, swat. Buzz, buzz, swat. But all that kind of stuff.

Well, isn't that special? You know, Victoria, when I came on there with Spade and Barley and Sam, With yourself. That we all kind of had a crush on Victoria to be honest. Of course. Really? I didn't. I have to say all the girls were very, very attractive and they were very talented. And so coming in new,

even though they weren't really much older than us, but you're new. And so they're above you because they're cast members, but it was a little intimidating around all of them. I was intimidated about everyone because these were giant talents. And when Dana, I would hang out the most with Dana and Kevin and love it because Kevin's office was next to mine.

And they would spend hours making each other laugh and trying new bits, and I was just in there laughing. I couldn't come up with one add-on. What do you call it? What do you call it when the add-on was- Ad lib, tag line. Tag, tag. I couldn't come up with one tag,

and then it would be convincing Hans and Franz, and I'd be like yeah I couldn't I had no idea how to make up a character and the weirdest thing is I haven't been on the show for 30 plus years and I'm still trying to figure out how to do a character and make one up. And I even enrolled in an improv class at my church. Recently. Oh, really? A month ago. Oh, good for you.

Because he's teaching improv and he's really good at it. And the only thing I've come up with in 30 years is, Harriet, I'm a blue blooded liberal, full my head to my toes. Obama, I love him. Why? Cute baby pictures, herbal garden, free condoms. You're never too young or too old.

I'm a good person. I got a new washer dryer. I took empty cardboard boxes down to the end of the street. I created a neighborhood. I took empty cardboard boxes down to the end of the street. I created a neighborhood. I'm a community organizer. Well, that's amazing. Well, you did. That's amazing.

I'm watching you talk as Victoria all up here. And then- You might wanna go lay down. I don't know. I got kind of turned on. I don't know, is that a male or female? Okay, it's very sultry. You don't know. Yeah. Well, that female? Okay, it's very sultry. You don't know, yeah. Well, that's all I've come up with in 30 years.

And I actually, I actually stole it from my friend Fran, who was making fun of her ex-husband's new wife. And I said, can I buy that from you? Cause I, and I gave her $50. It's a funny character and a funny take. That's a good fair price. On SNL though, didn't you update once you kind of

took off like a fake wig and then you had a brown wig and you did sort of, this is the real me or whatever. Yes, that was the same low voice, but not as low as I just did. But that was because, you know, I was getting tired of being typecast as the dits, even though that's the strongest, I'm good at that. And so, and also Jan and Nora were always being mean to me,

and I kind of smushed it all together. And I felt like people wanted that. They wanted to see the real me. I'm like, okay, shut up, Dennis. You know, I was like, I could be like that if you want me to be. I'm trying to be a nice person, but you know. Christ, she turned on me like a rabid Wolverine.

Hey, that was perfect. Okay, yeah. Miss Vic coming on with the heavy-duty artillery tonight, huh? Okay. What have we got? Some kind of high-pitched character? Who's going to do a handstand on the desk tonight? Is that our move? Oh, I can't do them anymore. I did my did my last handstand at age, stuck it at age 60. Stuck it. You're 60? You don't look 60.

No, I'm 65. I just enrolled in Medicare and I had to listen to all these boring, boring conversations about supplements and, and, and, and plan A and plan B. I'm like, I just would rather die than listen to you one more second. Oh my God. So you were on the first,

I just want to give people a little bit of background. I think one thing that's very quirky is that you befriended for people of our age group, Johnny Crawford of Rifleman. He played the son of the rifleman who had this rifle. Everyone else was using a six gun, so they'd pull it out of the holster, take him like 10 seconds. He would just point the rifle and kill people.

But then, I used to do Johnny Crawford in my standup act when I was in college. What? Because he always said, Pa, Pa, Pa, how come I sound like Dina Shaw? Pa, you ain't going to get scammed. This is early stand up, but explain your friendship with Johnny Crawford and how he helped you in your career back in the 80s.

I'm trying to get rid of my ring light, so I look naturally dewy. Um, naturally, you look really good, honestly. Well, great. I get rid of my ring light so I look naturally dewy. Naturally dewy. You look really good, honestly. Well. Great. You know, Molly Shannon did all the characters that I wish I would have thought of. Star and I'm 50 years old. I mean, man, those were fantastic.

50. One thing. Oh yeah, she's great. Yeah, she's incredible. And it would have been fun to see you two together. You know, because you could dance, you had great, well, you have great legs and you're like dancing and you could move and do cartwheels, you could do flips.

So I could see there's a kindred spirit with Molly and you. I like physical humor. I don't think about it. It just comes out. But you guys, man, when I, you know, David was late into our cast. But man, I was so spoiled, you know, laughing all day for six years in a room with Dana

and Kevin and Lovitz, that when I went into the real world, it was so depressing. Normal people are boring. Such a real quote. Normal people are super boring. That's what Lauren says. He always has to do your own funny people. Man, I missed it so much, but I watch a lot of YouTube.

So I feel like I'm still with you guys. Well, we laughed our ass off. We did, and you were kind of our mascot. We did some silly. Do you remember when we'd go have the dance parties in Kevin and I's office? We would put on, don't get me wrong by the pretenders. And Dennis would come in his socks and do this funny.

Don't get me wrong. One of those times just to release the tension. We would just go crazy in there. So much tension. You and Lovitz would always have just in a PG 13 way, simulated sex. Oh, I didn't know we were having sex by the way. No, you weren't. Oh, what, when he would bend you over and stuff? Yeah.

I have to tell you, I, I never, I had, I was so innocent. My dad raised me like to never see, we didn't have a TV and I never saw an X movie or an R movie. So like I was working out all the time and maybe I was bending over stretching and love had started humping me, right? Right. And I started giggling. Me too. And like, I didn't know that was a sex position. I played the fifth. I seriously did not know at one time.

It didn't, it was in its own way kind of innocent cause John is sort of just a kid in a way. Yeah, it was innocent. It wasn't Me Too movement. It was innocent. No, no, it was more silly. It was silly. I thought of it as gymnastics, but.

Yeah. That's what I tell girls. Stretching. But let's- Actually, Victoria, What do you want to talk about? something happening with you quickly, Dana. This is, if you remember this,

it was not gymnastics related. It was, we were doing a Schiller vision. I think it was you, tell me if this, you remember this. So a Schiller vision, which Dana knows is a little video that goes on at five and one. Tom Schiller wrote and directed these little shorts and he would kind of make little mini movies. And some of them were just quite brilliant actually.

Some were black and white, some were whatever. He did that famous one with Belushi dancing on his grave in black and white in the old days. So sometimes they ship us out to do a Shilla vision and I think Victoria and I played a couple and the only part I remember is like the last scene was we had our whole life and now we're fast forward to we're older and we're walking along on that upper west side with that river on the other side, whatever that is, you know, not Central Park side, but the other side, and walking along and then things are going well, but like a nuclear bomb drops on my head.

I don't, I have no memory of that. and then things are going well, but like a nuclear bomb drops on my head. I have no memory of that. Okay, so Dana, I have a bad neck already. And this is part of it, I'm telling you. They drop like a fake looking bomb that looks like a missile. And they have a guy in a ladder about 10 feet up. And even though it's made of plastic, it's kind of heavy. It falls square on my head and then I fall over and die

in the scene. And it hit me directly, jammed my spine down into my cock-sucks. And it's just bad for your neck. And we kept doing take after take. And I didn't want to be a puss and I didn't want to complain like anything when you're on a set. But I remember I kept going, this hurts so much,

it jams my neck down. Even though it's light, but when it falls. Now you have neck issues. And I still have neck issues. And for some reason I blame Victoria. What? I don't even remember this sketch, but I did. What?

As far as injuries, it was one time, it just is in my head indelibly, running behind Victoria, we're running to do another sketch. It's all dark, there's wires around, and Victoria did a massive pratfall. But I think you knew out of fall or you rolled or something and you got up, you know?

I don't remember that, but I remember Dana backstage, I was doing my first impression, Roseanne, and they never let me do any. I went to Smigel and I said, why don't I ever get to do any impressions? He said, because your nasal. I said, well, is there any celebrities who are nasal? He goes, Roseanne.

I go, yeah, can she kind of talk like that and everything. He goes, yeah, can she kind of talk like that and everything? And he goes, yeah. And so he wrote me my first, my first impression and I had a fat suit on and a wig and I said, Dana, I'm so nervous. What if I slip into Vic in the middle of it? What if I slip into my cell phone and Dana goes, cup and attitude attitude. And Dana goes, cop an attitude, cop an attitude. And I was like, I still don't exactly know what that means,

but it was the sweetest thing. It was like we were on a football team together and our whole lives depended on it. And he was like my cheerleader. He was like, Dana was so kind to everybody. Yeah. But you know, I think it, yeah, I got mean later. No, but no, I think it's just fake it till you make it,

go out, I got this, just fake confidence and go out strutting, I'm Roseanne freaking Barr right now. Yeah. You know? Yeah, just reverse the fear. Oh, that's good. Plus the best guy you're asking, and he's right there helping you, and he's so good at it.

I remember I put a poster, what, go ahead. You nailed it though. I remember you going out there and you were great. Yeah, I remember you did great. Oh, thank you. And then they let me do it a couple more times. They let me do it with Roseanne. I was with Chris Farley and Tom Arnold and Roseanne.

And then I got to be, Ja Ja, darling, I love it, I love it, I love it. And then I got to do other things. But man, it was so exciting and scary. And we always thought we were getting fired. But I didn't know Dana was afraid because he was the star, you know, before. And then when I found out Dana was nervous too,

I was like, I never knew he was worried about getting fired. Well, I was lucky because accidentally I got the church lady. And if I am not mistaken, I did it on the first show. And were you my first guest? Yes, I was Jenny the church girl. Yes, and so you came out and you were perfect in that. And you did this whole lament of church lady, I go to pray and I'm do this and this.

And all of it was beautifully done, totally sincere. Now I was incredibly nervous. This is our first show. But you said this whole setup and I pray every night to Jesus, whatever. And then I did, I just, well, isn't that special? And got a huge laugh and that relaxed me. But that was you. You set that up.

It's like, I missed it. I was a good straight man for the church lady, definitely. Well, that's a hard job though to do it right. You gotta nail it. There's so many tales we could tell. Where do we start? I think it's great that Smigel, when you went over Smigel for, that's really hard.

I used to try to talk Smigel into doing stuff and he's so busy and everybody wants him to write. He's very tough to get on your team. And to have you say, what about Rosanne? You do a little piece of it and he kind of hears it and he goes, yeah, okay. And then you get to do it and he probably helps with it. And then you're in there and that's great.

Cause I remember one with Farley, were you guys on the couch? And he's like all nervous as Tom. And you guys aren't like, I can't remember what that one was, but of course it's. And in Homs and Franz, they put me in that. I got my cellulite sucked out and I showed everyone my tattoo on my butt as Roseanne.

All right, all right. That's right. Yeah. Kevin Nealon, right. That's right. Yeah. Kevin Eland, he wrote my first sketch. I was ever on this subliminal guy. I was the secretary. Oh, we were so nervous.

And, hey, we got to talk about Alec Baldwin because he was on Fly on the Wall and he said my breasts look like garbage cans. Wait. What? Do you remember? Yeah, what did he mean by that? Yeah, that's what I'm wanted out. I think he meant big boobs, but not garbage can.

Who describes him as garbage can? Well, I think he's- The kind that you push out in the morning, the green ones? Okay, I think he's mad at me because in my book, I wrote that he, well, when we were on the set, I had to kiss him a lot when he was playing Marlon Brando. And I was the 50s girl in a tight sweater

on the back of it and we had to kiss. Then we had to kiss in that other scene where Alec kissed everyone, even the dog, remember? Oh, that's Green Hilly. Yeah, I was the French maid. So we were doing a lot of kissing that week. And Dana says that I had a crush on him, but I don't remember it that way. Well, what I remember you saying, because it was so specific, was that the second time he came in, you just sort of, it was a non sequitur, I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it this week. And I said, what? And he goes, I'm not, I'm not going to fall in love with him. But you didn't mean really in love with him, but you know, he had piercing, he has piercing blue eyes. And so that by Friday you'd rehearsed or probably rehearsed the kiss and nope, didn't, sorry. Didn't make it, fell in love with him again. What was with all the kisses though?

What did you not like them or something? Is that what happened? Well, I sort of liked it because my fire eater husband at the time wasn't kissing me or hugging me and I was desperately, you know, desperate for some... I remember the fire eater. That's a cool affection. I did enjoy all the kissing. What do you want to stuff fire in your mouth again? Were you talking about Nissan for a second? Yeah.

When my headphones popped out. Oh yeah, so he was a fire eater. Yeah, my husband, the fire eater, and there wasn't much call for that. He worked about once a year and he made about $100 a year. Things had slowed down. Yeah. Yeah, this is my little joke in my act. I saw he made about $100 a year.

I saw his income tax return. Most of it he spent on supplies, disposable Bic lighters, fire retardant, hair spray, socrats. When we got divorced, I got half of his stuff. I got a Bic lighter. I keep it as a memento. But no, he has- Does it seem like a very good settlement of a divorce,

a Bic lighter? And two Socrates. He got a lot of money. Oh, I know. But you got Scarlet. I pay you in flames. I had Scarlet and she's 38 now. Oh my gosh.

She's pregnant with her third child, my grandchild. Who's the father? Hello. I love it. Hello. Speaking of the fire eater, Dana was at my house for my birthday in Laurel Canyon one year.

Yeah, yes. I liked that little house, it was cool. It was so cute and it was 150,000 in 1984 when I got it. And now it's over a million. You know, usually. It's like two rooms, but anyway, it's on the hill and it's so charming and you have to walk 50 steps up to the front door and there's deer and everything. It's so wonderful.

But so I never associated with famous people because they make me nervous, right? And I tried to be friends with an actress once. I won't say the name. And I invited her over and stuff, but she took her shirt off in front of my husband, Nissan. What? I never asked her back after that. I said, why are you taking your shirt off?

She said, I have it on backwards. I was like, no wonder why I don't hang out with famous people. Exactly. You to your husband, is that a can of wizard in your pocket or what's going on? Exactly. I'm just going through my head. So I can't believe Leah Thompson would do that. Yeah. I can't believe Victoria Principle.

I didn't say any names. Well, I'm just making that up. He's guessing. I'm guessing because you were in Casual Sex Together. She does have a great body, I must say. She's great. But anyway, she's very talented. She was in a movie once with a French accent.

I forget the name of it. She is great. They nailed it. So anyway, what I was saying was, I was having this birthday party and I was like, Vicki, come on, invite your cast members. They're not monsters, they're human beings. So I invited Dana and Dennis and Phil and Brin,

and Milt Larson was there who owned the Magic Castle. He gave me my big break to do stand-up at the Variety Arts Center where I got discovered for Johnny Carson. He was there and Robert Downey came, because I had just done the Pickup Artist with him where I had to kiss him a lot. It was so funny. He came with a guy. They came in the front door. They slowly walked through my whole house.

I'm like, do you want a drink? Do you want a drink? Do you want anything to eat? And I was so proud. I had a bathtub full of ice and drinks. I thought that was so clever because I'd never hosted anything. I'm like 28 or something.

And Scarlett was two years old. She's 38 now, she was two. She's in the bathtub too. No. Robert Downey slowly walks through the house, like a king, very slowly, he looks around and then walks right out the door. Oh, no. I was like, I've always been wondering,

what maybe there was no drugs, maybe there was no one. Maybe there was no one. I don't know. He's, anyway. And I think Weird Al might have been there. Oh yeah. Your friends is Weird Al, right? Yeah. I still have a crush on him.

Oh, look at that. I remember you and Weird Al together a lot. Uh oh, here comes a song about it. I love Weird Al. I always will. After I die, I'll love him still. He should have married me in 1980. But what did we know? What did we know? I love weirdo. I always will. I love after I die, I love him still. How do you like that?

You should have put I fell for fire instead. There's a purity to that. There's a simplicity to that. It has a charm. Your stuff's all charming. That threw me back to Weekend Update. Yeah. Oh, I got to show you my handstand in Paris.

My last handstand was two years ago in front of the Eiffel Tower. I got to find it. But anyway, okay. So here's back to my story. Dana and Paula are at my birthday party. I'm nervous. I'm trying to be friends with my famous coworkers

who intimidate me. Can you imagine? Who you're already friends with. You guys are so freaking talented. Like right now, I'm gonna have to calm down the rest of the day from like being with you. Well, we consider you a peer. Yes, we're all in the same boat.

You're on Saturday Live and you're following. I'm not worthy. I don't know why. You took the picture from my mom's magazine, which is very sweet of you. It's up in her house still today. I still can't believe that your mother left you in a desert with guns for eight hours while she drove away.

Oh, you don you have been listening. I listen, man. Yeah. I'm very- You know what? It's all good and well. If no one gets shot, it's fine. But if someone gets shot, then it's like a story. Oh, man. Or if you disappeared, you know, there's all that stuff now about Satanists kidnapping kids and everything. Oh, there's all that stuff now about Satanists kidnapping kids and everything.

There's so much going on. I'll tell you this, you know how Dana, this is an off-street, but you know how they do these tricks like if they wanna kidnap a woman or they tell you to watch these things around LA or wherever, where they'll put like something on your car that you have to pick up or, you know what I mean? Something where you have to do something to stall

and then they pull up in a car and grab you. So the other day I parked at a parking meter, Heather, I didn't tell you this, and I try to keep this stuff from you. I shield you from the real world. So I pull up to a parking meter, but they also put fentanyl on stuff. This isn't everybody, but this happens.

So I pull up at a parking meter and I always go in my head, watch for the stuff in my head watch for this stuff they do, watch these crazy things. They put like a fake ticket just so you'll pick it up. Then you get a little dizzy, you know. So it's a great scam. So anyway, I jam my shitty credit card into the parking meter so they can slurp all my money and it won't fit. So I look under, there's already one in there. So somebody lost their credit card. So I took it out. I put mine in and then I saw a parking guy. I said, dude, do you ever have this happen? They leave their credit card in there and

you want it? He goes, that's your problem. I go, all right. So I go, it's going to be Heather's problem in a minute. So I throw out my car and I and I'll go, I'll try to get it back to the person. And then I thought, what if that was one of those tricks and I just fell for it? I grabbed it, could have been covered in fentanyl. Yeah. Yeah. What was the name on the card?

Dan Garnie, is that your stage name? I was in Lost Hollywood and I lost my card in a year or so. You know what, that was mine. Was it a discovery card? But back to Victoria's story. What do you want to tell us? Well, I thought it was interesting because while we were having my birthday party,

a young, good-looking 17-year-old comes to the front door and he goes, is Nissan here? And I go, who are you? And he goes, can I talk to Nissan? I go, who are you? And he goes, um, can I talk to Nissan? I go, glory, I'm his son. I go, what? And so I go get Nissan and, uh, there's a blonde woman in the driveway, 50 steps down, and they talked for a while. And after the birthday party, Jane was there. I go, yeah, I go, who is, who? And Paula, who I adore, And they talked for a while and after the birthday party, Jane was there. I was there.

Yeah, I go, who is, and Paula, who I adore. I adore Paula. Paula, I adore you. She always, Paula always adored you. See, I curled my hair to look like Paula because hers is naturally curly, mine isn't. She's, it's too curly for her. So you find out that your husband has a son who's 17 you didn't know.

And Paula has a perfect body and perfect hair and a perfect face and she's the sweetest person. Okay so anyway so when everyone left I go Nissan is that your son? And he goes oh you know that lady slept with everybody when in Baltimore she slept with all my brothers you know, that lady slept with everybody, went in Baltimore. She slept with all my brothers, you know, it's not my son. So after we got divorced, the reason why they looked us up was because they thought I was on TV and I was making money. And they're like, Oh, we'll prove it. They're there. You know, it's his son. So after we got divorced, Nissan took a DNA test and it was his son. Oh, boy. And the funny thing is, he looks just like Scarlett because it's Nissan's jeans

and a blonde wife and Scarlett and Christopher look like brother and sister. Christopher turned out to be a famous artist. He's a really good artist. His name is Christopher Mir, M-I-R.com. And it's just kind of interesting how, you know, how life is. It's like, you know, Nissan was 10 years older than me. And, you know, I was like a Baptist virgin when I met him. And then like, when you look back at your life, you're like, and then I remember I found letters in the closet with a baby picture. Nissan had left the baby to go to LA to be a rock star. And there was letters saying,

you were right to leave Baltimore, you know. Anyway, I'm learning new things about my husbands every day. Are you still married? I'm married to Paul, the SWAT guy, a helicopter police pilot. Yeah. We've been married 30 years. Yeah I think I remember Paul, of course. When I, when he came to the show for his first time,

to see me at SNL, because we were starting to long distance date, it happened to be the night he shot and killed the first man of his career. And I just go, maybe he was anxious to see me or something. That's my little joke. I'm just processing that. Yeah.

Picture this. He comes to the set at 8H and he had stayed up all night, filled out paperwork, gotten counseling, because that's what happens if you kill someone. He comes to the stage and I'm getting out of an alien spaceship with eyeballs on my nipples because we're doing a sketch about a planet where women's eyes have mutated to their nipples because men stared at women's chests for so long. And- Jack Candy or-

Was Deon Sanders in it? No, that was a different one. Okay, go ahead. Sorry, sorry. I don't know. Kirsty Alley was our leader. And Paul comes up, you know, and I go, Paul, this must be so surreal for you to kill someone and stay up all night and see me getting out of a spaceship. And he goes, yes, it is.

That's how he talks. And I thought, man, our worlds are completely opposite. Then I took him upstairs and I introduced him to the cast. I said, Hey, everybody, this is my boyfriend, the cop and Mike Myers goes, hey, you got any war stories? COVID. I have a residual call from COVID. So anyway, he has got any war stories and Paul goes, I killed a man last night. And there was silence. Oh my gosh.

This is in my act. Cause it's true and it makes everyone, there was silence. And I realized the comic genius minds of this century couldn't think of a comeback. Dana, you were probably in that room. Do you remember? Yeah. And it was just, it just sort of hung there. There was no way to come back.

There's nothing funny. With that in any, in any funny way. Funny way. The only one who might have been able to come back, maybe Norm MacDonald. You know, there are certain comedians that, you know. Oh yeah. But I just thought Paul was just very sincere.

So I didn't want to undercut him at that moment. Yeah. Well, he didn't want to undercut him. Yeah. Well, he didn't feel bad about it because the guy was shooting at his wife because she wouldn't wife swap anymore. And the guy- Tale as old as time. So she called the SWAT team, they came,

the husband pointed a gun at Paul and he was trained if someone points a gun at you, you shoot them. So he didn't feel bad. But we've had a very difficult marriage and it's really, really, really difficult. What is difficult about it? Oh my gosh. Well, for one thing, we disagree on the definition of adultery.

Okay. That's a good argument. What is your definition versus his? Well, I think flirting is adultery. I think when he comes home from the gym with fake tattoos drawn on his biceps by an 18-year-old hot lifeguard, that that's inappropriate. And he thinks it's harmless workplace fun. Harmless, because he was working part time at the gym. But anyway, we have a lot of fights about that.

But I wrote I write out all my pain in songs and poems and paintings and I just made an album of 18 songs and a lot of them are about my difficult marriage. What is the name of the album and where can people get it? And Paul won't listen to it because he knows it's bad. This isn't about Paul. It's called, I hate Paul. Paul listen to this podcast.

I hate Paul is the song. No. Actually, I did write a song called I Hate You. Here we go, here comes the guitar. Everybody quiet. Sometimes I fantasize we never met, we never got together together never got reconnected and although i tell my friends that this will never work and and that i despise you and that you're a jerk i would never

say i hate you all right so there's that one. But anyway. Another winner. These are better. This is called when I get home. No, when I get to Nashville. When I get to Nashville. Victoria Jackson. See, this is my hand stand in front of the... Oh, perfect. Sweet.

That's a famous statue in Nashville, you know, the naked statue. And on music row and clothes on them. Well, I do, but they don't. But like, there's songs like, how do you undo? How do you undo? I do. Oh, yeah. How do you like clever? Yes. But China Phillips thought of that line. And I'm in China Phillips Bible study group.

Okay. Is it online or does she live in Nashville too? No, China Phillips lives in, right now she lives in the Hollywood Hills. Okay. And you know, Billy Baldwin's her husband. Yes. And China is on fire for Jesus and I'm a Christian.

And I was watching her YouTube called California Preach It, because her parents wrote the song California Dreamin'. Remember the mom is in the- Mom is in the poppa's. Of course. Incredible song. That's her parents. And like I'm a-

She's a good singer too. I'm a, oh yeah, Wilson Phillips, China. Yeah, yeah. And they have that hit, Hold On for One More Day, and China Phillips. Like I- Hold on now. Go ahead, you can- No, no, I was faking like as if,

cause David did, I thought it was- No, you know, when she, I ask her, say we apologize for when we did a songs to save the chickens with Michael Bolton on the show and we play, we did Wilson Phillips and we had two extras and then Farley played the. Oh, you did? I forgot that.

You were there. You probably played, I played a Dave Perner from Soul Asylum or Kurt Cobain or Tom Petty or something. But I remember that. Tom Petty, I played Dylan, right? Was that the one that Turner's? Isn't that we're all standing and Michael Bolton sings? Instead of We Are the World,

we were doing We Are the Chickens or something? Yeah, I think I played Dylan and Victoria played Roseanne Barr. I was Cindy Lauper when we did the We Are the World thing. Oh, you're Cindy Lauper, yeah. And they put a thing in my neck so that when I sang the big note, blood would squirt out. And it worked, but you couldn't see the blood

because I was wearing red plaid. No. Yeah, you couldn't see blood was squirting out on my neck. That was an unforced error by the wardrobe people. Yeah, that usually doesn't happen. I'm gonna be a Christmas tree into a handstand. And Pam, she came up with this brilliant costume. I still have it. And it was a Christmas tree. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a Christmas tree.

And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a Christmas tree. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a Christmas tree. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a Christmas tree. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a Christmas tree. And I was like, oh, I'm to be a Christmas tree and do a handstand. And Pam, she came up with this brilliant costume. I still have it. And it was a Christmas tree. And I said, you have to balance all the ornaments because I'm balancing upside down.

They're geniuses, that wardrobe department. The wardrobe, the makeup, the crew, they're all crap. Never miss a step. Couldn't make it, but they can improvise something up really fast. We need Victoria to come out of a giant cupcake. You have 20 minutes. Right away, sir. Yes. And you get spoiled and every job after that is so much worse.

that is so much worse. You know, I mean- It's all slow motion. Yeah. You know, movies. Well, go back to China Phillips, how we interrupted you, I'm sorry. Oh, well, China thought of that line. So like we have this group called California Healing

and we read the Bible and pray together. She made me one of the leaders. I have to do it tonight actually. And we pray and study the Bible. And China is really good with funny. She's very funny. She's very charming. And I was, I loved her YouTube channel. So I would always write stuff and she wrote back and then, stuff and she wrote back and then anyway we're in this group together and so she said how do you undo I do and I said China can I steal that I thought of a song for it and she didn't get mad so no 50 bucks for her no she doesn't need it I don't think on the house but but

well it's flattering when someone tells you something and they have a comedian say, I have people go, oh my God, you can use anything I say. That would be nice, it'd be fun for me. So I think she's flattered. Well, John Lovitz wrote me Victoria's Secrets on the show and I still do that in my standup act. Oh good.

Do you remember Victoria's Secrets? How does that bit go? Well, I was always very uncomfortable doing seduction and arrogance. I've analyzed SNL my whole life since I've been gone from it. And because in the Baptist church, I was taught, don't be seductive, don't be arrogant. Jan Hooks was really good at those. I was really good at, well, Jan Hooks was good at everything. Okay.

Yeah, she was great. But I don't think she can play innocent. That's my specialty. That was you, yeah. I am getting bitter in my old age. I don't know if I'm so good at playing innocent anymore. And I've been working on seductive and arrogant for 30 years, so maybe I can pull it off. We all have.

Give me a little seduction. What would be that attitude? I have. Oh, look at that. Well, it's the Victoria's Secrets thing. And John Lovitz wrote it for me. Okay, I go, I have three secrets I'd like to share with you, but shh, don't tell anyone. It'll just be our little secret.

My first secret is, a lot of men ask me, are you as dumb as you appear on the show and I say, I don't know. I never watched the show. My second secret, can you hear me? I'm talking quiet. Yes, we're giving you some. We can hear you. We're just making sure.

Okay. My second secret is, a lot of men ask me, how do you like it? And I say, like what? And they say, you know, your sex. And I say, you mean my sex, like being a woman or like having it? And they say, and they say, the second one. And I say, I forgot which one was the second one. And they say, Victoria, stop doing that stupid character. And I say, I'm not doing a character. And they get mad and walk away.

My third secret. Anyway, there's more. No, how many are there? 100? The next one is a little longer. That's good. Now let's see arrogance. Yeah, what do you got?

Oh, arrogance. Ooh, arrogance. Ooh, that's hard. Your hair looks good. It's curly. I got a cop in attitude. Well, I curled it for you to look like Paula. I know. Oh, Paula's gonna be so happy.

Paula listens to all these and she'll be so happy to know you're giving all these calls. I love her so much. She's adorable. She is. I'd like to- Victoria, what is that album called? Cause you're gonna, we wanna give you Paula. Oh, it's,? What is that album called? Cause you're gonna, we want to give you a- Oh, it's a, nobody buys CDs anymore.

So I just did it for me. It's on streaming on Amazon. It's called when I get to Nashville. And then there's some standup at the end and one song is like a dog. When I get to Nashville, I'm going to knock him dead. I'm still trying to get to sing at the Grand Ole Opry and they're not having me. I don't know why. Well, wait till this comes out and people start slurping that up off of Amazon. Yeah. Okay. Arrogance. I am the best. No, I can't. Give me some lines. Give me some lines.

No, it's funny. You're so not arrogant, which is really nice. I just do it as a character. Let me tell you something. You know, we could very easily come to your house, you know, and flick you with our little finger and you fly across the room and land in your own baby poop. That's coy arrogance. Because...

Franz arrogance. This is Hans, who's almost effeminate in his arrogance. I made up a poem once about an arrogant girl. Okay. It goes, my name's Lucy and I'm rough and I'm tough. No one calls me sissy names or any of that stuff. No one walks to school with me because I am too cool. Everybody wants to though and they really wish they could. Wait, because I am too good. Everybody wants to though and

they really wish they could, but they knew I would show them up because I, sometimes next to all my looks and charm, they feel like a fool. No one invites me to parties because they know if they did. I've won all the prizes because I'm the most talented kid. Being smart in every subject is my philosophy. The whole world would be a much better place if this one thing could be, that everyone was exactly like me. I've had enough of stupid people. They just get in the way.

I'm content to be alone and that's the way I'll stay. I've had enough of stupid people. They just get in the way. I'm content to be alone and that's the way I'll stay. I've had enough of stupid humanity. I'll leave them on a shelf. The only thing I can't figure out how to do is enjoy kissing myself. I like it. That last line was very interesting. Heavy.

Can't kiss yourself. No. Unless you have a mirror. I guess you could. Close as you get. So how much standup do you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was doing it every week. Kevin Nealon got me into standup

because when I got on Johnny Carson, I only had like 12 minutes. I had six good minutes and then I had four minutes of B material and I got on Johnny Carson in 83 and then he said that he wants you back. He gave me the okay thing. Yeah. He goes, but I go, I only have my B material. And Jim McCauley goes, okay, do that. And then he wants you at the panel. So I did that. And then the third time he goes, Johnny wants you back, but it has to be something really big.

And I go, I had nothing, I had nothing else. As I never like toured and then got us now, I like got us now and then I toured to milk it So I can make money so I can send my kids to a Christian school. Anyway so so um So the third time I go something really big so my um

so I thought I'll do my balance beam routine from when I was a gymnast and I'll sing a song no one's ever done gymnastics while singing. I did a handstand poetry. That was my first Carson doing a poem upside down, but no one had ever mixed gymnastics on a balance beam with singing. So I made up this song called Angry Woman. It was based on the fact that my coach in college never told me I made small college nationals because she didn't like me.

I found out years after, why weren't you at the small college nationals? I didn't know I made it. I wrote this song, I am an angry woman. Yeah, I got a streak in my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a streak in my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to air my dirty laundry. If you don't like me, honey, I don't care. I drink a cuss, I smoke, I swear, I spit. It ain't my problem if you don't like it. I hate you, young go pink, go jerk, go. I need a little

love. And then I would do my balance beam routine. Now, that is on YouTube right now. Oh, boy. Because Jim McCauley knew that someday I would want this on video. It was the hardest thing I ever did, four inch balance beam, live TV, Johnny Carson, not fall. Because it's funnier if I don't fall off the beam.

If I act dizzy and I don't fall, it's way funny. So I did it. I didn't fall. I almost fell. But I didn't fall. Did these hard tricks. I went to the gym for three months to learn some of the tricks back.

I was 24. So I was 24, so I was way older than a peaking gymnast at 15. I would have, you guys, I'm talking too much. No, wait, wait, what is this story? It's great. So Johnny likes it, how does it go? Johnny loved it, you were on there 20 times, right?

Yes, he loved it. What? But what was the point of my story? The story is, your third one, you're supposed to do something big. You came up with something, Kevin was gonna help you. Oh, Kevin!

With stand up. This is how it started. So then I got SNL, which was, you know what it was, because you were there. Now, and so now, after SNL and I lost all my money in the course, I married a cop, but no money.

So then I was trapped in the suburbs of Miami. I had no friends, no one spoke English and I, nobody was making me laugh all day. But anyway, I love raising my kids. But Kevin Nealon calls me one day. I just broken my wrist, I think, accidentally. And he goes- Not on purpose.

It looked like it was on purpose because it was cut right on my wrist from dishwasher. Oh, I see. I took a wine glass out of the dishwasher and it sliced my wrist. And I was in the hospital in Miami going, I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I do hate being a housewife.

I do hate Miami. Maybe it was subconscious. I don't know. Anyway, Kevin Nealon calls me, he goes, it was like 97. He goes, would you open for me in Vegas? I go, Kevin, I don't have a stand up act. I have like 10 minutes.

That was from a long time ago, which involves a handstand. I can't do it right now. He goes, no, all you need is like 20 minutes. What did you do on Carson? I go, I can't remember. I looked up my Carson tapes. I'm like, I told a poem,

and I did a handstand, and then I played the ukulele. Anyway, I opened for Kevin for a bunch of times. So fun. The little joke was, I videoed him in Love It Once in this limo. I go, Kevin, why did you think of me to open for you? And he goes, because I wanted someone who wasn't that strong. You know, you don't want your opener to be too strong.

And I go, it's cause I wasn't that good. So I wouldn't show him off. You know what I mean? Well, it's also that you're just totally opposite. Yeah, you're different than him, which is good. So I started doing it with him, and then I got to go to Vegas, and I did a Y2K with Dana and Dennis in Minnesota.

Yes, we did. You, me, Dennis, and Kevin. And everyone thought it was the end of the world, so not many people came. And then I did a bunch of shows with Piscopo. I opened for him. And then I saw, I was doing it like once or twice a month for my whole motherhood years in the 90s.

And then when the tea party started, and I was in this club, and I wrote this little song called, White Men Are Good. White men are good. My daddy was a white man. My brother is a white man. White men invented everything.

White men invented the universities. White men invented the English language. White men invented everything. White men invented the universities. White men invented the English language. White men invented airplanes. White men invented cars. White men and then- Good resume. Yeah, so I sang that song, the audience was like, because it was the beginning of, you know-

Not supposed to say that. Yeah, what do you call that when you're not allowed to say things? Censorship? What was before woke? It was way before woke. It was like 20. Politically correct. Yeah. It was 2010.

I thought comics were supposed to be brave and daring and break the rules. But oh no, no. Don't say white men are good. White men were getting on bad rap all the time. I'm like, people anyway, they told my agent at APA and she goes, I can't send you out anymore. Um, and she said all the club owners are liberals are liberals and you're becoming an outspoken conservative and I can't send you anywhere.

Then I'm like, okay, I wanted to quit anyway, I don't like traveling. But I just was so surprised that in America with freedom of speech, we can't have freedom of speech anymore. Now you know what's been happening. And now I'm so proud that I'm proud that Dana is making fun of Biden, which is the unforgivable sin and by that Rob Schneider is saying, I can say whatever I want people, freedom of speech.

I'm very proud that people are fighting back. And even Seinfeld is saying, Hey, come on freedom of speech. I'm very proud that people are fighting back and even Seinfeld is saying, hey, come on, freedom of speech. Yeah, it is tough on comedy in general to do, to be, you know, tamped down a little bit. And you just want to say what, the thing that people want to say, or the thing that people aren't saying, or just try to break the rules. Like, it used to be very like, you have to be outrageous, you know, and it's, it's definitely toned it down a little bit. I have to say, Dana, your Biden things are super funny.

Isn't he funny? Thank you. I, I may, that was kind of a personal challenge just because in the beginning there wasn't much there, you know, my father lost his job, that kind of thing. And then as he went along, I added in, you know, I could do the Barbara Barbara, you know, and added, that kind of thing. And then as he went along, I added in, I could do the ba ba ba ba ba, and added in a lot of hooks. And I got it to the point where I thought it was really funny, and so I didn't really care

if anyone had a problem with it. I just thought, we gotta be able to do the President of the United States. If we can't do the President, if it's a Republican or Democrat, it's our job to kind of tug on the king's. Corn pop was a bad dude. That's true.

Come on. This is my one that kind of broke it. It was, there's no crisis at the border. How do you know, sir? Because it says so on the piece of paper. And then he came out for the border a little while ago and he just thought it was funny. I'll shut a border faster than anyone's ever shut a border. But you said before, get your facts straight, Jack.

Beat the hell out of you. I kind of shut a border, border patrol, the border, can't believe it's not butter. So then it was so silly that he always ends with this declarative slogan. So people accepted. But now everyone's doing them, obviously. Become a, the dam is broken open. You are a trendsetter. Victoria, before we let you go, I wanted to say,

I do remember you did a lot of toontses, didn't you? Toontses, the driving cat. I was so happy because I didn't have any lines. And it was a hit sketch and I didn't have to do anything. Me and Dana were in a lot of Toontz's. We were in a lot of Toontz's and there was one time, they got the cards, we're in the fake car and this happens to all of us, but it was your line.

And the guy was pointing and you were just kind of enjoying the scene and I started kicking you. Kind of like that. I know. And then you went, oh, and then you hit your line. It's just funny. We all do that. The lines were usually like, Toon says you shouldn't be driving over here on the wrong

side of the road. Yeah. And that was a great use of the character that you would play on the show often. The sincere, sweet character. To great use of the character that you would play on the show often. This very sweet character. Toon says, don't do that, you know? So Jack Candy is the greatest. They had me and Dana be brother and sister a lot, or husband, wife, or they had us in our underwear.

Remember when we had to wear our underwear and don't go down to the basement? Yeah, yeah. We had a lot of, yeah. I felt so romantic. Was that the name of the sketch? Yeah. Don't go down to the basement. And I felt so naked. I don't feel naked doing gymnastics on the update desk with my butt in the air because that was my whole childhood. But I feel naked standing upright in my underwear.

Well, the idea it's a uniform versus your underpants. And even though they look the same, one seems like normal. Well, also, Dana, when you were on other fly on the walls, you're talking about the Italian restaurant where you were humping me with my legs in the air. Yeah. That was one of the biggest laughs that I've ever participated in. I wasn't really doing much. It was just the situation and the ability and the scenario.

And it's true that right before they said, maybe don't do it or do it as much or move around as much, but we just did it and it was all big laugh and you were the perfect one to do it with. Well, the funny part to me is I didn't know anything. All of a sudden people come up and they go, Siobhan quit this sketch. You have to do it. I go, what sketch? Nobody told me anything. I didn't have time to say, I didn't have time to say, I'm a Christian. I don't think that would be appropriate. I didn't have any time. It was like, go out there. I go, what didn't have time to say I'm a Christian. I don't think that would be appropriate I didn't have any time was like go out there. I go. What am I doing? What am I doing?

They'll get on the table stick your legs in the air like and then Dana's like, you know, and I'm like I Don't even think I knew that was a sex position I might be exaggerating but I don't I don't know that I knew that. But anyway, it did seem really wrong and, and it seemed X rated. But anyway, then it was aired and then, but Dana's my friend. It was like, and I thought that's pretty funny. Well, because it was you and me, it was just innocent and silly in the, in the big picture and also that, that I'm still yelling about some order or something.

I've got your legs over my shoulders. Hey, come on. Cappuccino. And you're just down there. It was pretty vaudevillian in a little body. But funny with the sound off, that visual within that Italian sketch based on these extraordinarily horny Italian waiters, one of the biggest laughs I've ever been a part of. Bill Cantori. Okay, to answer your question about how much I do stand up and then I'll quit talking and you guys can go back to your life. I did Vegas about two weeks ago. So I'm not blacklisted.

I think the country's getting their common sense back into their brains and I'm not blacklisted. It was a small place. The only problem was I was coughing. My residual COVID cough, that was unnerving for the audience. But- That you gave them all COVID.

Yeah. They're like- Yeah. I think things are loosening up a little bit. kind of unnerving for the audience, but. That you gave them all COVID. Yeah, they're like. Yeah, I think things are loosening up a little bit. I think there was so much exhaustion over, you can say this, say that, that at this point, it's kind of like, no one has to come to your show, just don't, or watch anything they want to watch, you know? Yeah.

You know, like a Netflix special, don't watch it. I mean, it's just freedom. Maybe this is controversial. What if the screen just went completely black and our podcast was canceled? Victoria, we love you and we miss you. And if you come to Southern California, please reach out. Okay. Thanks for your podcast. It's super good and entertaining.

And we appreciate David and Dana's laughs that you've given us all these years. No, geez, thank you. You're still so sweet. You're also very funny. I mean, just the way you're telling these stories, it's hysterical. So you still have all this stuff.

There is, there's a funny thing that you do. There's a funny bone there for sure. That no one else does. It's just a very honest, quirky, unexpected language you're using, unexpected moments of honesty. I'm gonna make you self-conscious about your gifts so then you won't be able to do it anymore.

Okay. I'm kidding, you can't. It's like gum on your shoe, you're just funny. You're just funny. Just funny. So all the best. We all miss you and we want to see more of you. Oh, you have a closing song.

Same song, closer. Ending show. I forgot how it went. Something about Buzz Buzz Swat. Yeah. Buzz Buzz Swat. All right, we did it. Bye, sweetie. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review. All this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.