Free With Ads - Anaconda (1997)

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

This week we celebrate the beginning of the very first Animals Attack August where all month we will be talking about movies where animals attack people. First up, the 1997 Ice Cube movie Anaconda, where an Anaconda attacks people!Tune in next week when the movie will be... Alligator 2.------Listen to Christian Duenas's wonderful podcast Primer.Go to Emily's Etsy store now!On August 28, Matt will be in Houston, TX at the Punch Line.Watch "Emily Have You Seen This?" on Mythical Society!Jordan will be in the SF Bay area on Aug 22 for a live Jordan, Jesse, GO! Get your tickets here!Jordan will be at Cape and Cowl Con at Faction Brewing in Alameda on Aug 24. Find out more here!Listen to our latest bonus episode where we talk about the pilot to Frasier! www.Maximumfun.org/join

This is free with us, we're with us. is the podcast that asked the question, why pay $10 a month to watch a bunch of Shark Week specials on Discovery Plus when you can go online for free and watch a movie about a giant aquatic animal attacking people that also features many educational facts, like, after a giant snake barfs you up, you can still wink. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Anaconda, the hit movie based on Sir Mixalot's penis. With us today, filling in for super producer Matt Lieb is the producer, of such beloved maximum fun shows

as troubled waters and primer Christian Duenas. Christian Duanyas, hi. Hey. Hello, hello. Happy to be here. You were, now I, typically the producer plays a sound effect

when introduced. Do you have something to introduce yourself? This river can kill you in a thousand ways. In the, there you go. I just love his accent. Oof, the accent. Can't wait to talk about it. Oh, we'll get into it.

Christian, you watched the movie for this, and this was your first time, right? Yeah, I have never seen this movie. It's one of those movies, you know, that iconic VHS cover, DVD cover at Blockbuster. I would always see it, and I never got to see it. I don't know. It just was never in my house, but... Well, you're welcome for giving you the opportunity. Oh, thank you so much.

One of the reasons we're watching this movie, other than the fact that we talk about it constantly, is that we're starting a special month. we're kicking off a special month AAA Animals Attack August all throughout August we're going to be watching movies where animals

fuck you up I really want Matt to do later on some kind of and then like the you know like a lion growl and a Godzilla growl and a snake

Animal attack August Because apparently the snake in this movie makes noise. The snake in this movie is making all kinds of crazy noises. Yeah. This is an awesome fact. One, snakes don't do that. No. Two, all those noises are being made by Frank Welker, who was the voice of Scooby-Doo.

No. Are you kidding? They just called the guy who did Scooby-Doo's voice in to make a bunch of snake roars. Jordan. Yeah. I can't tell if you're fucking with me. I'm not fucking with you. According to IMDB trivia, that is absolutely true.

Holy shit. I would love it. Soinks, I'm a snake. I wonder if there was a point in the movie where it talked. And that's why they called him in. It's like, all right, you know. I hope you don't hit me with a rice pick, rice cube. But as somebody that watches animated,

Velma porn. Okay, yep. Velma, popular pornography character. Yeah, I mean, this feels very like, okay, we have the voice of Scooby-Doo and a giant anaconda. I'm like, let's drop my glasses and find them. I love it. Let's do it.

Yeah, they should have given J-Lo glasses in a little private school skirt. And a sweater for them monkeys. And a sweater. Well, yes, animals attack August. It's all this month. Oh, it's sweater puppies. I have to, I have to correct that. It's not monkey.

Thank you. Thank you for your, thank you for your. Sorry, sorry. But this movie did feature various monkeys. It did. That's probably why you made the mix up. Very understandable. So yeah, different animals every week, fucking people up.

It's going to be a blast. We got some fun surprises in store for you. But before we talk about this movie, which is as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we're going to talk about something else we saw four, free on the internet this week. Other free stuff. I got an amazing targeted ad the other day. A totally amazing targeted ad.

I was so flattered to get it. The algorithm wanted me to know that tickets are on sale now for this year's Gathering of the Juggalo's. Yes. The music festival for murderous clown rappers, ICP, insane clown posse. Now, making fun of the gathering of the juggalo's is, you know, a time-honored internet tradition, but Emily, correct me if I'm wrong. I think the reason this like indoors why it's so fun to like check out the gathering of the juggaloes every year, like see who's on the bill,

see what the activities are, is because it looks pretty fun and you kind of want to go. Totally. And also, I mean, I think we used to make fun of it, but now I kind of go, I feel like these people are going to save America. Yeah. They haven't figured out. They were the first like music festival to cancel because of COVID they endorsed I didn't know that yeah the juggalo's like were very quick to say like we're not doing it this year so like good on them that's so cool yeah I think that it just seems like a community of people who have each other's backs and like to just let loose and be themselves in a way that isn't like burning man which has turned into this commercialized like rich orgy um and jugglose is like we

been an orgy bitch we've been an orgy in the mud in the dirt for a long time also very wholesome and it's not always an orgy yeah and uh i very recently priced i actually looked at tickets this year on the website okay hundred bucks to go to the whole weekend that's not bad that's like half a biance where is it or is it's like a tour oh uh it's like it no it is it is a one weekend it's like in ohio i think christian maybe you could you google this while we're thank you um but i i was having a lot of fun going down the lineup Emily, I'm going to read to you some acts playing the gathering of the juggaloz. Now, hang on.

Are these acts that you are making up? No. When you do those classic mobster names and you rattle them off and it's amazing. From time to time, I will construct long lists on the show for a bit. These are real. I am not fucking around. These are totally real acts on the gathering of the juggalo's. And I know when you go to a music festival, sometimes you have to choose.

So, Emily, I'm going to read you all these names. And if you had to choose three of these to check out, who would they be? Okay. B. Belushi Speedball. Shit. Lardy B. Mary Tyler Hors. Thick Chris, T-H-I-C-C-C-C-Riss.

Siamese goat god. Squid Pissor. No. Abe linked in. I don't know why this guy just did a LinkedIn joke. his name, I don't know. Freaky to Pimp. Skeezus.

And the dumpster babies, T.H.A. dumpster babies. Oh, boy. I think this is pretty easy. Okay. Oh, okay. I like Lardie B because it's like Lardie B. You know what I mean? It's very southern, very genteel. It is. Yeah. I mean, I think it's maybe a spoof on Cardi B, but there could be a little bit of that in there, too. Well, I like it because it sounds like something someone in my family would say. I'm going to go with Squid Pissor.

Don't know what that is, but I love it because Squids Inc. And I like calling it piss instead of ink. Hilarious. Fun. And then I'm going to go Abe LinkedIn because, fuck. Like, can someone make LinkedIn fun? Maybe Abe LinkedIn can. Maybe.

Maybe. I bet Abe LinkedIn has more jobs that they'll actually give you than LinkedIn ever. I've never booked a job from LinkedIn. And I like how he's performing at a festival where absolutely no one has a LinkedIn profile. I can't imagine anyone. That's a compliment, too, by the way. Oh, for sure. Oh, man, great lineup.

I thought you might say Lardie B. So I did have a clip of Lardie B's music queued up. Christian, can you play a little bit of Lardie B's latest single for us? No. I'll call your mom ring on the door, ding dong. Ding, don't the bitch is dead. She owed me bread off. This is amazing.

Okay, it's great, and the video is her going around with a hatchet, killing everybody who talks shit about her on the internet. Yes! It's like they display the troll. Marty B. She's killing everybody. I know. Oh, Lordy.

If you've been to the gathering of the juggaloes and want to tell us about it, please email us free with ads at maximum fun.org. Jordan, when is it? oh it's like it's like it is in august sometimes it's like august 13th okay and it's in thornville ohio at legend valley legend valley thank you christian i feel like okay i have something on the 12th and the 14th that i have to do but part of me is like should i go for one day i mean if you got 300 bucks the VIP stuff is just 50 bucks too like it's very reasonable so i could pay 350 and then like if one of our fans is in that area and once you're

the rest of my like ticket. I can just give it to them and you get a free bra cup baby. Boom, done. By the way, I am in the middle of here I'll show it to you on camera but you can't really see it. I've been making chokers out of

the bra straps from the bras. Instead of just selling the whole bra, I'm making chokers out of the bra straps but I'm keeping all of the cups for the next Max Fund Drive. Hey, okay. All of those. will be like it'll be really cool too because I'm getting into embroidery I'm going to embroider all of our signatures a a a a crafty tease yes yes you're not just getting sweaty

ass bras you're getting them with embroidery on it beautiful I cannot wait maximum fun dot org slash join well hey let's do it let's finally talk about anaconda hell yes before we start our chat we wanted to mention that this movie contains suicide so If that's not something you want to hear about, we're going to play some music and give you a chance to find another episode. We're back. It's free with ads.

We're talking about Anaconda. Christian, your first time watching the movie. Emily, what is your experience with Anna. It's my first time watching the movie. Really? Oh, my gosh. It's been, I think it was my first time. The thing is, I know about the wink.

Everybody knows about the wink. And I'm pretty positive. It's been on at, like, people's houses and stuff. But I've never actually sat and watched it because, as you know, I have sub-mechanapophobia. Okay. Which is fear of mechanics in water or man-made things underwater. So, like, if there's a ship. shipwreck underwater or a sculpture underwater, fuck, no, I'm out, I'm out, okay.

But also, reptiles or dinosaurs, especially, but a snake, no thank you. But luckily, this snake was only animatronic for a little bit. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's some, there's some cool puppetry in this movie. And then there's a lot of like, like, early 90s, like sub-Jurassic Park CGI. Yeah, it was, and it was fine. But overall, not too scared of this. I think because watching it on a little TV is different than seeing it in the theater. I think if I was in the theater, I would have been like, fuck this movie.

So I've seen a little bit of it here and there, but actually sitting down and watching it, this was really fun. So this was my first full time watching the whole thing. So I saw it in theaters, and it was a really big thing in my friend group. my like high school friend group we all went to see it together and like as as christian alluded to um the thing you remember from this movie well it's it's the wink but also john voight's weird voice he's doing a crazy accent his character is i guess from paraguay and maybe that's what people sound like in paraguay if you are from paraguay and he's doing a perfect accent let us know i don't think he is i think he watched the princess bride and just

repeated the lines to himself in like a tape recorder oh like he's doing amigo montoya enigo montoya is what he was doing also he sounded kind of Italian at certain moments it's it is wild and the thing from my friend group I mean and and we're everybody did this we're talking Ryan Christian we're talking Manesh Lacani we're talking Lindsay Pars we're talking Johnny Jenkins did this your friends have cool names yes these are these are all cool dudes and babes that I went to high school with and we all saw this movie together

and in the John Voight voice we would go up to each other at random times and go, there is something in the water. That sounds French. There is something in the water. And this was such a big part of my high school experience doing this to people.

I watched this movie. That line isn't in the movie. This is the closest I've come to like Mandela effect. I'm like, did I see a weird cut of this? Because if there's one thing, No, it's that in Anaconda, John Voit says there is something in Zawater. Well, have you seen the trailer? Maybe it's in the trailer.

You know, I thought that. I thought it might be one of those lines in the trailer that gets cut in the theatrical release. I didn't see it. I think it's just something we thought would be in the movie. Yeah. I don't know. But yes, that's the closest I've ever been to like Shazam-Kazam. You know, does the Bonopoly guy have shoes?

Like something that would be in the movie. The other thing that I was hoping is. this accent was so bad and he was such a shisty, you know, con artist trickster, like trickster, is that it would have been a fake accent that he put on. Right. And then he would reveal at the end of the movie that he was playing all of them. Like, this is my normal voice. Well, it just would have been like, I'm fucking, I'm an asshole.

Right. I'm John Boyd, I'm kind of a bad guy. Well, yeah, very bad guy, by the way. Yeah. John Boy, you know, not our favorite guy. Not our favorite guy, but I, so I feel very happy with making fun of his terrible acting in this movie. But I think the terrible acting he did was very effective with hating him in this movie. It's so memorable, too.

Like, it is a, like, I think it's like an all-time bad performance, you know? Yes, but it was still effective and scary in a way. Yeah. Yeah, this movie, I think this movie, and, you know, we'll, you know, we'll talk about our thoughts at the end. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think this is a really good bad movie. I think this is like a real, like, down the middle, good bad movie that has cool stuff, but also like totally fucking sucks at other times. Well, I also think that the acting wasn't the problem.

I really wish that animatronics and the effects were good because it could have been really scary. It could have been really scary. All right. Well, let's talk about what actually happens in Anaconda. We get a little, we get a little pre-movie. crawl, a slither, if you will, telling us some facts about anacondas, including that they will regurgitate their prey

in order to hunt again. Ooh, that'll happen in the movie. We get some shots of the Amazon set to music that I think is probably from the Pure Moods CD. The music is very pure moods. Yeah, when white people make tribal music, which I'll be real, I loved that shit in the 90s. Lorena McKinnett, oh shit, the mummers dance, love that shit.

Okay, yeah, this is, well, yeah, I mean, Indiconda was a hot soundtrack for fans. They had ice cube in it, but all the music was like tribal sounding. Right, yeah, it is funny. You have ice cube in this, but yeah, all the music is just this weird pan flute that you would hear at the swap meet. Or at Nature Company. Or at, yep, Nature Company.

Did you have Nature Company in your malls? Oh, I loved the nature company. Me, fucking too. So much dinosaur shit at the nature company. It was like the place you went for like, you know, air quotes, educational toys. Well, I went there because I found it to be witchy. Oh, yeah, you can get crystals and stuff. Crystals and rainsticks and then, you know, when white people want to seem spiritual.

Right, sure, sure. We're not. We take it away from other people. That's what we do. But, yeah, but it's, I remember there being the best stuffed animal. there like the really interesting animals that you didn't normally see at like a toy store and they were so expensive

I never got to have any. Oh yeah Nature Company was a fun shop. Oh so sad it's gone. The golden days of malls. Yeah. So we get a spooky scene featuring a poacher played by a young Danny Trejo. That was this was a cool

little thing that I kind of forgot was in this movie Young Danny Trejo. But he had like top billing in the intro like when they were Yeah he is kind of high up there in the credits. I wonder, yeah, I guess I don't really know anything about his career trajectory if it was like huge to get him in this movie at the time. Maybe this is like the Drew Barrymore from Scream. Oh, maybe. We got a super famous person to die at the beginning. Exactly. Yes. Could be. Yeah, I'll have to research more about the career of Danny Trejo. Now he makes a great

donut. If you're ever in L.A., go to Trejo's donuts. They do a peanut colada fritter. It's tasty. Ooh. Oh, yeah, really good. Um, so, uh, he's, he's a poacher. He has all these, like, animals and cages. He's being hunted by something. And we're seeing from that something's point of view. Is it an anaconda? Yeah.

Um, it is. That's the title of the movie. Uh, so we see, there's a lot of like, pov shots from the snake's point of view in this. It's like, uh, destroying this little shed that he's in. He's, like, running away from it. And he, like, climbs this tower to get away from it. And then you, you know it's about to get him. And then he pulls out a gun and shoots himself.

that is always scary to me when someone is like I would rather commit suicide than deal with the fucking thing that is such a like easy screenwriting trope that totally works on me every time yeah I was a little shocked by it

and part of me thought that that was a flash forward scene that we were going to meet him and this was the end of the movie but we're going to see everything leading up to it would have been a better movie yeah I know yeah this part is you know kind of fun and spooky, and yeah, very fun to see young Danny Trejo in it.

Yeah, the movie never really gets scarier than this. No. But, yeah, so we go to the main crew that the movie is about at a, this is from the Kairon, a jungle hotel deep in the Amazon, where documentary filmmaker J.Lo is there with the hunky Professor Kale. They're going out on a boat to make a nature documentary about a tribe. Yep. Who else is on this boat?

Well, I'll tell you, the host of the documentary. He's a snobby dude. He's a real, that guy from that thing. He was like the butler in Richie Rich. Well, yeah, he's been in, wasn't he kind of part of the brat pack at one point? I feel like the red, we talk about the redhead. No, no, no.

We're talking about a different guy. The butler guy. Yeah, he's in like the mummy and stuff. Oh, you know, I think he, you know, I don't know. Maybe Christian, could you check on this guy for me? I think I kind of thought, is this the guy from the mummy for a second? He is Dr. Allen Chamberlain in the mummy. Oh, okay.

There you go. Yeah, he's usually playing like a snobby villain who's going to turn on people or whatever. And so as soon as I saw him, I went, oh, here's our villain. Right. And he is very snobby. We get introduced to him. He's like having people on this like boat in the Amazon like carry on his crates of wine. And he's like, careful with that wine.

I love it. my wine, and he's playing golf later. He's such a just a cartoon of a snob. He's great, but he's a snob, but he's not a bad guy. I know, and I do like that, because this would be a fucking easy guy to kill for applause, but he does get a lot of, like, hero moments, and him in, like, Ice Cube have this little, like, you know, surprise friendship later. Yeah, I like how they handle this guy.

I like things that's, like, just because you're frivolous and materialistic and a diva does not make you evil. Right. Yeah, you can be more than one thing, guys. Of course. We're all complicated. We all contain multitudes. Yeah.

As we mentioned, Ice Cube is on the boat with them. He's the, like, cinematographer. He introduces himself by saying, today's a good day. We all love that. That rules. And then just some other kind of random crew members on it. Owen Wilson is just in this movie as a guy whose job is. unclear. Had no. I was so shocked when I saw Owen Wilson because that was something I did not know. I

do not remember. Like, I couldn't believe it. And he has looked like the same motherfucker for so long. He's like, I will have the same hair. Do we think that hair is a piece? Ooh, I don't know. Great question. I'm starting to think it's just been the same wig this whole time. You just got a wig for bottle rocket I guess he has kind of a crew cut in bottle rocket Yeah well I'm oh yeah Yeah that he had hair there But ever since then

It's been the Ellen DeGeneres special Like ever since Do you know if Owen Wilson Where's a wig? Let us know I mean nothing wrong with it Wear a piece if you want to wear a piece So that's kind of the crew Owen Wilson he is like

Hooking up with one of the other Kind of random crew members He's like the jungle makes me Honestly, I loved that. Me too. I was like, good. We're horny in the jungle. Yeah, just because you're in the jungle.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't be horny. In fact, it should make you more horny. Yeah. So there the crew. And then there's the driver of the boat, Mateo, who will learn some shocking secrets about later in the movie. But they come upon a stranded dude whose boat is like caught in some branches. It's John Voigt, who I think is the tallest person in the movie.

Yes, I think you're right. Tallest guy. And on this show, we give out an award to the worst hat. That award often goes to wigs or hair. I think John Voight's ponytail probably wins the worst hat. The worst hat. Yes, 100%. Awful ponytail.

And he is the frowniest man. He's constantly frowning. there are like if you go on like a gift website and type in john void it is just gifts of him frowning in this movie uh thousands of frowning gifts like just cutaways of him going like me like he's not he's not making that noise but it looks every time it cuts to him it just you want him to be going me well what was the movie that made him famous um something cowboy what was it called Oh, yeah, I don't know. I guess I don't know too much about the career of John Voigt other than like he turned into a weird maga guy.

Him and Dustin Hoffman did this like very famous movie in the 70s. Midnight Cowboy? Midnight Cowboy, which is like, and he is gorgeous in that movie. It's the one where they go, I'm walking here. Oh, that's where I'm walking here comes from. Yeah. I did not know that. So, and I've never seen the movie.

We should probably watch that sometimes. time because that's why we're stuck with this man in this movie. Yeah, just like one great movie and then just fucking phones it in for five decades. I wouldn't say he phoned it in. I think he tried very hard, but he's very dumb and bad. And, you know, that's what you get when you're dumb and bad and did one good movie. I know. If you think, like, you think about like who would absolutely fucking destroy this, right?

Like, I mean, you know, it's a cold take, but it's like Nick Hage would be so good. Oh, yeah. Or like a... Too young at this time period, though. Yeah, you're right. He might be... Yeah, he might not be the right age here. Yeah.

But Keith David, you know, get a Keith David in here. Who's that? Is he from Clockwork Orange? Who's that? So, let me make sure I'm getting his. I'm thinking, um, but Christopher Walkin or something would be good. Keith David is from like the thing.

Um, anyway, he's, he's one of those like, you love him and everything guys. Oh, okay, cool. He wouldn't know his name. Ooh, sound off in the thing. comments are on Reddit about who you think would have fucking crushed it at this part because I would love to know he's the president in Rick and Morty does the voice of the president anyway Jordan I don't know about Rick and Morty I fuck yeah just be having sex to watch Rick and Morty

no no I'm sorry I'm kidding I'm sure you all fuck yeah of course your hands Teehee Tee he um so anyway radio head and bucking your hand he uh so john void's character um is like a super snake catching guy he's talking weird and he knows how to catch snakes but the branches in his boat are what got him i know right yeah just the dumbest thing i guess we will learn later that that is like a fake out yeah yeah makes him seem very inept and he apparently knows where this like tribe is that they're looking for so they bring him on the boat Owen Wilson and like the woman he's hooking up with They go off to like hook up in the jungle

That's a very fun scene They're like trying to like get audio of the jungle And then they start making out And then something chases them And you see John Voight pop out of the bushes and shoot And you think he shot them But he shot like a pig that was coming to get them It's a wild boar

There are and it that Can I tell you about a wild boar story? Yeah sure please oh my gosh great I well it's not that wild But my parents sent me to outdoor adventure camp in the summers at Tremont camp, summer camp in the Smoky Mountains. I'm not a very outdoorsy girl. I am more now because of these camps, but you had to hike 40 miles in the Smokies in four days. So it was like 10 miles a day.

Not too bad. But when you're going uphill and you walk through a beehive and everyone gets stung by bees in a line, that was pretty crazy but one of my best friends Dallas it was co-ed by the way and boy did I get fingered

if Matt was here he could do fingering story but I got Matt will drop in all the stings Matt will drop in the same Christian is lovely and he's filling in for us I don't think he has access

to Matt's Christian we have a sting about all my fingering stories right right right is that make you feel good about doing this show does that make you feel good about sub and in

Yeah, so having a great time. All right, Christian. I'm so glad. You got to watch a classic movie. You got to hear about Emily getting UTIs at camp. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Thanks for being here, Christian. Anyway, so I am, and I got caught by the counselors or whatever.

But my friend Dallas. How is this going to turn into a wild boar story? Okay, so Dallas, my first boyfriend ever from the fourth grade to sixth grade. He was not my boyfriend anymore, but we're besties. but he you had to go poop they gave you one shovel we all had one shovel and we learned about how the shovel is just to dig the hole that you poop in you never touch poop with the shovel all right so you have to dig this hole and then poop in it everybody got constipated because everyone was like oh my god I have to dig this hole and poop a lot of pressure and so he had gone off with the shovel and was trying to poop and this bore charged at him down this hill while he was trying to shit and he ran down the hill

with his pants around his ankles and this bore like ran past us really fat like he could have been fucked up from this which was really funny it's a good thing counselor John Voight stepped in camp counselor John Voight but here's the fun thing everybody got constipated because we were so scared of pooping in the woods

you know like you have to dig a hole and everything and it takes forever So what they would do is give us a dollop of hand soap, dial orange hand soap that you would swallow and it would make you poop like so quick. They should just tell the kids just a week before you come to camp, practice pooping in a hole. Just get started at home, dig a hole in your yard or at a public park. But then you're at a comfortable place pooping in a hole. You're not in the woods. You can ease into it.

You can ease into it. Anyway, if you're ever struggling to poop, dollop a hand soap. swallow it and you're going to shit like crazy also bubbles yeah um i could see i could totally see somebody like doing that on tic talk like hey guys just wanted to let you know that um if you're struggling to constant yeah anyway i cannot do the ticot voice i cannot talk about i'm doing it right now for y'all motherfuckers this is my ticot bam uh okay so you know they're having to deal with john invoitte being kind of creepy. And so,

so Professor Kale, this is Eric Stoltz. I think this is the guy who was in the Brad Pack. That's what I was talking about. Boy, did he have another engagement or something? And that's why he had to be asleep the whole movie? Yeah, he,

this guy, fucking cushy-ass acting job here. He has to do one like diving scene. He gets to make out with J-Lo. And then he just gets to sleep in bed for the whole rest of the movie because he gets stung by a wasp. what the fuck i don't like there has to be like some information about that like why the fuck i know he was supposed to be marty mcfly he was the original and then he got recast

probably because he wanted to sleep the whole time he's like what if marty was just like in bed what if marty was just like in bed and like his mom wakes him up like what if she didn't wake him up what if he was just in bed wouldn't that be a better than we got him on the hoverboard but he's just taking a nap but if it was a hover bed what if it was a hover bed he's just sleeping and flying around yeah i don't know this was the weirdest um the weirdest character i don't understand why he was even in the fucking movie i don't get to like you know i guess because they have to have a reason to like want to go back and then john void has to have a reason to like trick them so i guess because he's stung they're like we need to go back

and John Voight's like, I know how to get back, but he, like, the motivations in this movie are very weird. I can't imagine this movie wasn't rewritten 30 million times. I know. Yeah, lots of screenwriters on this and like, but yeah, so people's motivations are very weird in this. Yeah. And like what John Voigt is doing is also very unclear. Oh, yeah. He has like three submissions.

It feels like this con man has a very convoluted, like, plan that. Yeah. I totally yeah what is his plan what was his plan yeah you'll go insane trying to figure it out I mean it's you know it's anaconda don't think too hard I know it's I I do have a theory when we come to the end yeah about what the plan was so okay so so this guy so Eric Stoltz is like laid up and then Owen Wilson and then John Voigt kind of like takes control of the boat and then Owen Wilson is kind of like on board he's like we're not going to the hospital we're going to try and catch an anaconda because you can sell them for a

million dollars oh wait but we had somebody die by the anaconda at this point and it was the driver of the boat oh yeah okay yeah so you're right matteo the guy who's the captain of the ship um gets killed by the snake it like you know and this is when the animatronic really comes into play it like constricts him and you can hear his bones cracking they're like fully in this movie it's really over the top all of the like noises are really like you know over the top including the snake roaring and growling with the voice of scooboo and going yeah this kind of kind of thing, which is like a Velociraptor kind of noise. Like, I think that this was probably around the time of after Jurassic Park.

Oh, totally. I'm sure this movie got like rushed into production after Jurassic Park. What was Mateo's secrets that you said that he had? So he and John Voigt were like in cahoots that will learn. I remembered that part. They were like winking at each other. Yeah, there are a lot of winking in this movie. Oh, yeah.

So yeah. So they were in cahoots and this is part of John Voight's plan. to, like, get a boat, which they already had because they crashed the boat. I don't know why they need this, like, documentary crew to get this anaconda anyway. And then he's also going after this chest of stuff that we don't know what it, anyway, who cares?

So they're doing this, like, mutiny. John Voighton, like Owen Wilson, are, like, threatening everybody with guns to go, like, get this anaconda. But, blah, bu. They get a monkey to, like, act as bait for the anaconda. Poor monkey. And it didn't even want it.

It, like, spits it up. I know. Monkeys belong in the trees or in Velma's bra. We just, they just want to be in a sweater. They just want to be sweater monkeys. Okay, listen, sweater puppies are, like, you know, large breasts in a sweater. But I think I have sweater monkeys. They're swinging from tree to tree.

Yeah. They are doing. doing their own thing. You can't tame them. And they have prehensile tails as well. And hairy. And they're hairy. A little bit.

There's a couple. A couple of sweater monkeys. So they use this monkey as bait. The anaconda kills Owen Wilson. Oh, this is a great shot that I reroute, wound to watch again because I just loved it so much. So it eats Owen Wilson. And there's a pretty scary shot of, you know, you see it doing the like death roll, them like rolling over with him in the water.

That's pretty scary. But then you just get this awful CGI shot of the anaconda with the outline of Owen Wilson's like screaming face in its stomach. Yeah. So bad. Yeah, it was fucked. Also, the fact that he turned so quickly to like, yeah, let's get the snake. I know.

Yeah, Owen Wilson. Weird. It's a heartbreaking, a heartbreaking betrayal. Yeah, not well-rearing. written, I'd say. No. No, no, no. So they, like, want to double mutiny John Voight.

So they have J-Lo, like, go up and seduce him, and then, like, Ice Cube attacks, and he, like, John Voight fights Ice Cube. And then the snobby guy hits him appropriately with his golf club. Yay! Yeah. Yeah, love that this guy gets a heroic moment. He does say, like, hole in one or something. I forget exactly what the little catchphrase is, but it is something like a golf pun.

He does do a like, you know, four or something. I don't know. I forget what it is. Something like that. I don't know. Every golf pun is about the same quality. So anyway. Yeah.

Okay. So they have like John Voight tied up. They're trying to escape. And then the woman who was like hooking up with Owen Wilson. I'm sorry. I just wanted to the quote according to IMDB is asshole and one. Asshole in one. Oh, hell.

You know what? That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Thank you, Christian. Yes, thank you, Christian. I will say this. There's a lot of moments where I feel like John Boyd's character should be dead. Yes.

And the golf club thing, I'm like, isn't this what took Carrie Strug out of the Olympics? Like, how is John Boyt still walking around? Tanya Harding, like, you know, we took people out. They beat him up so bad and like, and just insist on keeping him on the boat. I know they're the good guys and they can't just. like throw this guy in the water but i don't know just like leave him on the land or something you know like i just throw him in in the water just throw him in there like you'll figure it out so he like is constantly coming back to life and like fucking people up yeah the the i thought this was a pretty

cool scene actually so the woman who was like hooking up with owen wilson she wants revenge john void is tied up so she comes at him with like a knife um it's like pretty tense and then john void or john void stunt double yeah jumps up in the air while still being tied up and like chokes her with his like legs and then like throws her in the water and then he gets out and then captures everybody Eric Stoltz

does pop up here and like stab him with the thing so you know and then fall back asleep he's asleep again but also John Boy says a line to her when she's coming at him with the night he goes never look the person

the man in the eye when you're about to kill them and I'm like It will haunt you forever. Believe me, I know. Yeah. I think she should have kept looking at him in the eye. And maybe that's why he said it. Yeah, definitely like, it would have been so easy to reveal that his accent was fake.

The more I think about it, the more I think like, they should have totally done that. When he showed up to set on day one talking like that, they should have been like, okay, we have to reveal this accent is fake. Anyway. It is like Pepe Lepew-Lepew like level accent. It's like, oh, hell, ha, ha, ha. Like, it's just a million different accents in one. And they just let him do whatever he wanted. I envy that.

I would like to, I can't even do that on mythical. Like, I have to apologize. You do, Emily. You have to show up doing John Voigt from Anaconda and see if anyone notices. I'll do it. Well, I mean, I try. I don't dare you to do it. Here's the thing.

I am not great at accents, but I try very hard. And every time I dip out of it, I catch myself. and go, I'm so sorry. This guy just kind of, they let him do whatever. My God. Okay, so shit's about to seriously hit the fan, and we're going to talk about it when we come back. We're back. It's free with ads. We're talking about the shocking conclusion of anaconda.

So John Voight captures everybody. He ties up J-Lo and Ice Cube and to use his bait for the anaconda. In between this, we kind of learned that he and Mateo were in cahoots. He goes to this mcuffin shed and gets a mcuffin box and brings it on the boat. And we never learn what that is. That is like, it's like, okay, why do this? have him either want to get the anaconda. I don't know, whatever. It had the Epstein files in it. Oh, that's where they are.

They're in the anaconda box. Yeah, that's where they are. Oh, man. Well, there you go. That was such a topical, cool joke. People, years from now, will listen to this and go, ha, ha, ha. We are recording this July 29th, 2025.

And for some reason, you're exploring the back catalog years later. And you found electricity and ability to access the internet. And you've managed to scavenge podcasts from a box. Yeah, if you're AI and you're listening to us to do this podcast. To learn how to destroy humans. Then the Epstein files, they were a hot. Listen, if AI can learn how to finger, man, I'm into it. I mean, maybe.

Maybe that's the next step. Yeah, I mean, I would rather it be fingering than writing scripts, I guess. Call me, AI. Anyway, so he douses them with monkey blood. That's pretty gross. He, like, he's bleeding. Fucking monkeys, man. This movie hates monkeys.

I know. He bleeds it and, like, douses them with, like, monkey blood. And then the anaconda, like, comes after them. And then it's just kind of just big CGI Anaconda Fest. And I think some of it's actually pretty cool. The snobby guy. Yeah. like climbs up a like waterfall and jumps off and it kind of like catches him midair and like wraps him up that's pretty cool um and then it eventually like eats john void and then like and chases after jalo and then we get that we get the scene where it barfs him up and he before he like keels over he like winks at her it's so insane it's like the craziest thing you've ever seen in a movie yeah

I don't know. I mean, it's so memory. I don't know. I don't know where that is coming from. Or if they were trying to like save him for a sequel or something, it's just so crazy. No, I think they just wanted it to be a creepy thing because they didn't have great CGI. They were like, let's cover this man who already looks like chewed up like bubble gum in oily goo. And then he'll look like chewed up bubble gum and it'll all kind of go together.

Like, oh, okay. Maybe my, I have a lot of. I have some favorite shots in this movie. One, seeing the outline of Owen Wilson's screaming face in the Anaconda. Yeah. But when the Anaconda eats John Voight initially before throwing him up, there is this scene where it's from the POV of the Anaconda's throat. And they clearly rigged up a little tunnel to look like an Anaconda throat. And they are pushing John Voight through.

I love that this is practice. we used to make things in this country. That's right. Motherfucker. Just the like goofy practical stuff in this is so much fun. This is the day that vore porn was born. Oh, maybe. And like I think that that's kind of what it was.

But it would also maybe think about the Jordan Peel, Nope. It like immediately made me go, oh my God, this is. Oh, maybe. Because Nope is way scarier than this movie, of course. But that being consumed by this thing that you can't get out of and it's like flesh and stuff. Oh, my God, terrifying. I mean, yeah. That was the scariest shot.

Jordan Peel, he uses a lot of influences. He wears those influences on his sleeve. Maybe Anaconda is a more important movie to him than we realized. I think that it was an inspiration. I'm going to call it. Yes, let's do. Absolutely. Yes.

Anaconda inspired Jordan Peel. We're saying it here. Right. So like Ice Cube. sets this trap for it he like lights a hose on fire and it goes to a bunch of fuel drums it blows the anaconda up but it's still alive and it comes and the pup they light the puppet on fire I love this part they light the puppet on fire it still chases JLo it like pops out of the dock and Ice Cube hits it with an ice pick and then says one of the greatest catchphrases in the

history of cinema, bitch. Like, the movie that gives us asshole in one, right? Like a very, you know, down the middle, like, kill pun. Like, can't give us anything other than bitch. Killer. It's so killer. I mean, he didn't need to say anything else. I will say I don't understand why J.Lo didn't make out with him immediately.

And then be like, oh, my boy. friend who's been asleep the whole time. Fuck that guy. Like, immediately like, Ice Cube is the man in this. Yeah, I know. I really like Ice Cube the actor. I think every time he pops up.

He is. They didn't give him, yeah. Well, they didn't really give anybody much of a personality. No, no one gets to actor than John Voighton. Yeah, that's true. But yeah, he is, I think he's really funny in that movie Fist Fight. I think he's so funny when he pops up in those 21 Jump Street movies. And he's very good.

He's the voice of the. the villain in the new Ninja Turtles movie and he's like great, he's like great in it. Yeah, it's like a, yeah, it's like a great V-O performance. Fuck yeah. Nice cube, one of our better actors. Good guy, the best furrowed brow in the game. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

He can really furrow the front of the brow. Like, it just feels like it's never relaxed. Anyway, the tribe they were looking for, like finds them, and I think it's kind of like implied that the tribe saves them, even though they killed their god. I don't think that I was hoping that, this was the end for them. As soon as we saw the tribe

and they're like, get the cameras out, I was like, they're going to kill you. Yeah, I know. They still, I guess it's implied they still make the documentary

and we get a little more Pure Mood's panpipe music. Yeah, okay. All right. And that's the end of Anaconda. Yeah, well, we're going to talk about what we thought of the movie,

but first, we got to do the hunk watch. It's hunk watch. Yeah. Any thoughts on the hunks of this movie? I guess I don't have a, I think there are, a lot of hunks in this movie, but maybe one didn't stand out to me. What did you think?

It's Ice Cube, baby, all the way. He's the man that took care of business and he didn't get like made out with or laid by anyone fucking bullshit. I mean, the secondary one is Owen Wilson because Owen Wilson, we all know, has hell of sex appeal. But like Ice Cube is the hunk. He's the man who saves the day never gives up quick on his feet funny charming whole thing hot loved him yes i love it i agree i agree okay we are going to rank anaconda on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials when we come back We're back. It's free with ads. We're going to rank Anaconda on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.

But first, we want to let you know that if you go to maximum fun.org slash join, you can support the show. You can support the network and you can get all of our bonus episodes that we do where we review Free With Ads Television. We reviewed recently. the Pride and Prejudice mini-series from the 90s. The pilot, yes. The pilot and the pilot of Frazier, which I was,

oh, I won't spoil what we thought of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, we, I think our reaction to the Frazier pilot really surprised me. Yeah. It was a really fun chat, and you can hear it by going to Maximumfund. Yum, yum, balding, men. Oh, yeah, lots of hot baldies. I love a bald man, like a toss salad with scrambled eggs.

Yum, delicious. Eat them up. Eat them right up. Christian, the shows you produce on Max Fun, for instance, Troublem Waters, for instance, Primer. Do you all have any good bonus content people can listen to? Yeah, let's see. For Troubled Waters, what did we do recently?

Oh, you know. Trouble Waters is a great comedy game show hosted by Dave Holmes. Ooh. The bonus content for Trouble Waters is we did a motivational speech special. So like one of our recurring rounds in the game, in trouble waters is motivational speeches for like small things like teach me how to or i need to learn how to parallel park or wash the dishes if you i thought you were to say teach me how to ducky and i was like i can't do it we got i'm writing it down right now um so we did we had a bunch of max fun

people come in and do uh their motivational speeches oh that's cool because you know we all need some motivation definitely definitely maximum fun dot org slash join you get our bonus episodes you get the bonus episodes for every show on the network a great value any way you slice it okay let's rank anaconda on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials uh christian you're joining us for the first time we've loved having you you watched this movie for the first time what did you think one to ten so i don't know about you guys but i am a letterbox freak i logged every single thing that i watch on letterboxed um and this one got a two and a half so that would i've been a That's not bad, but it's, you know.

Yes, it is. That's pretty bad. Two and a half out of five. Okay, two and a half out of five. Yeah. So that translates to five out of ten, I guess. Five out of ten. Okay.

You know, it's, it's, I didn't, I don't regret watching it. And plus it's like 89 minutes. And I got to say most of the, my movie choices when I'm watching at home is like, is it 90 minutes or less? Because that's clutch. I can't do like a, I can't do tar at home, you know. Yeah. Emily, also your first time watching this. You'd seen the memes.

You'd seen the clips. Now you watch the movie. What'd you think? One to ten. Oh, man, what a mess. I'm giving it a four. Okay. I mean, again, great movie to have on in the background of a party.

Beautiful scenery. I love that. But even in the background of a party, there's no action. It takes, like, forever to get anywhere. And when it does get somewhere, it's like bad CGI. I think most people would see it in the background of a party and go, Oh, J-Lo. And that would be about it.

I will say I did love J-Lo's performance. I think that J-Lo is a movie star. Absolutely. Like there are people who are actors, like TAR, like you were saying, Christian. Like, there's that. And then there's movie stars. And I think that she is clearly magnetic on the screen. Great performance.

Everybody did their best. Yeah. The year after this out of sight comes out, which is like a great. Oh, fuck, yeah. Wonderful J-Loh. And the cell is amazing. Oh, the cell? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely good couple years for J-Lo. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, she, you know, no one other than John Voight has anything to do in this movie. But, yeah, everybody, like, handles themselves really well. It's like a well-cast movie. It is. It is. I do want to say, Ice Cube, speaking, there's one song that isn't, like, pan flutes.

And they're listening, Ice Cube is listening to, like, a radio boombox on the boat as the fancy guy is golfing. And it's a song that he is in. Like, it's an actual song by Mac 10 and Ice Cube that he is in. And it's, I don't know, like, I mean, I'm not, not that I care about the canon of anaconda, but it's, it's weird that those, that's, that thing. Well, here's the thing. We love soundtracks, especially for movies that are not that great. And I'm very interested to see what the, is there even a soundtrack to, Anaconda there is

and it looks like it's basically just the score to Anaconda so I don't know And there's a song called My Beautiful Anna Parentheses Konda

Ah Stop it Thank you Randy It's too bad they didn't have Silverchair the please die in my sign on there But that song is about anorexia

So it wouldn't have worked Wouldn't have worked Nope Um, so, uh, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna go a little higher than this. I like have all, all this, like, nostalgia for this movie. Um, and all these like nice memories around it. So I'm gonna give it a six. I think it is a like, a great kind of down the middle monster movie. Kind of reminds me of creatures in the Black Lagoon in a lot of, in a lot of ways. Um, so yeah, I, I have some affection and some nostalgia for this. Even though the line, there is something in Zawater is apparently not in it. Um, but yes, other than that, um, um, but yes, other than that. that glaring problem. Yeah, I had a lot of fun watching this. And there are five of these, and they are remaking it, and it's coming out later this year.

What? So there's like four Anaconda sequels. There's a crossover with Lake Placid. There's Lake Placid versus Anaconda. And then there's a comedy remake coming out later this year with Jack Black and Paul Rudd. So the Anaconda franchise is mighty. Damn it.

I was going to say, like, oh, my God. God, they've got all these sequels to Anaconda. Kind of like how Tremors is like 11. It is kind of like a tremors. Yeah, it's not quite as prolific. But I'm like, put us in your movies. Please. That's the thing.

I mean, you got Tara Reid in a lot of these Shark Natoes. I know. But what about a few podcasters? Sure. We'd talk about it on the podcast. You could choke me to death. I don't mind. I actually pray for it every day in a fun way.

Well, yeah. If you're out there and you're making a sequel. to some sort of shark movie or bear movie or deer movie let us know we will be in it free with ads at maximum fun dot org okay uh let's let's do a little plug in uh christian you want to tell us what shows you're involved with with max fun we mention troubled waters i've been on that show a couple of times it is a blast it's a very funny comedy game show uh anything else we should check out on max fun um well we're not in production right now But if you want to go back through the archives and listen to Primer, that's the show I hosted alongside Yosuke Kitazawa. We talk about Japanese city pop with some fun guests.

Devendra Banhart, Wyatt Sannack, was one of the guests, Linda Mariana. It was a good fun time. And that came out about a year ago today. So go through it. There's 10 episodes. And hopefully there's some news to report on season two. All right. Okay. Emily, you got anything? I'm going to tell you to go to Flemgems on Etsy.

That's my little jewelry store. And I've got some bra stuff on there. Hopefully, I've still got it. I've uncovered most of my old bras, as talked about in the last episode. And I've tried to make things out of it. Yes, they've been worn. Yes, they've been sweated in. Get it, little sloppiggies.

Get it. Get it. Slop piggy. I love you. I love you. And this is on your Etsy. This is on your Etsy. It's on my Etsy. And it's like I'm trying to make it not just me selling old bras.

Although I think I'm going to sell two sports bras as is. Because come on. Yeah, come on. You know, titty sweat. Oh, sweater monkey sweat. There you go. Get your own set of sweater monkeys from Etsy. And Lois Fleming, if you are listening, please don't be mad at me.

I owe you money. Like, okay. This is for you. This is for you. If you're in the Bay Area, I will be at Cape and Cowell Con on Sunday, August 24th. That is at Faction Brewing in Alameda, California. That is a free Comic-Con with all sorts of cool comics folks. There's beers, there's books.

It is super free. It is super, super fun. Cape and Cowell Con is the event. You can find that more at cape and cowlcom. Okay. Tune in next week when our movie will be Alligator 2.