Free With Ads - Batman Returns

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

This week we watched Tim Burton's greatest Batman movie Batman Returns, starring Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, and Christopher Walken.Tune in next week when our movie will be... Stripped To Kill 2: Live Girls.-----See Matt and wife Francesca Fiorentini do a live podcast The Bitchuation Room at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles on May 30th. Get your tickets now!See Emily do stand up at the Broadwater Theater in LA on May 24th! Tickets here!Jordan will be at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival on June 7th and 8th. The address is 50 Carlton Street in Toronto! 

This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question, why pay 20 bucks to see a new Superman movie in theaters when you can go online for free and watch a DC Comics movie where the characters may not inspire us to be better people, but they do lick each other and themselves. I'm Jordan Morris. That's really good. I'm Emily Morris. Oh, that's really good. I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Batman Returns, my favorite Batman movie of all time, the superhero sequel that started a million kinks for people in their late 30s to early 40s. With us as always is the super producer, the hee freak, Matt Lieb, hitting us with those dark-ass drops. Just the pussy I've been looking for. No, Matt! Where does he get those wonderful toys?

Matt, of all the things, of course you picked that. I like the pussy part. The fun thing is, you can't hear the moment where he bites a guy's nose off. I tried that. Not a great audio. Not great for audio. No.

But I thought the pussy part was perfect. Yes. A nice consolation prize. Light, fluffy. A nice consolation prize. Before we get into this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we know cheap movies need cheap snacks,

and we're gonna put something inexpensive in our mouths in a segment called Cheap Ass Snacks. Cheap Ass Snacks. Wait, did we have that sting before? No, I made it in the lobby. We have snacks. Deep-ass snacks. Wait, did we have that sting before? No, I made it in the lobby. We have done this once before, but with no sting. So now we're doing it again, and now we have a sting.

Yeah, your Little Caesar, what was it? Oh, we had a couple months back. Pizza cups. With the Labyrinth movie, we sampled Little Caesar's pizza cups. God, they were good. Very, very good. And now, Emily, this is something

you brought to our attention. Yes! Green Day, the band, the frequent topic on our show. Why is there nothing left in your cup? Oh, okay, so I have drank all of this, by the way. I grabbed these. This is Green Day's slurpee flavor. Jordan actually got them for us.

I think last time I ate my pizza cups in the car on the way over, so yeah. So Green Day, frequent topic on this show. They, of course, have the Godzilla remix of Brain Stew, which is, for some reason, the funniest thing in the world. Well, for some reason. Yeah, I can't really explain it. Also, it's not funny, Jordan.

It's amazing. Yeah, what is it? The best, the most awesome. Yeah, it's not funny, Jordan. It's amazing. Yeah, what did it... The best, the most awesome... Yeah, we have no control over who thinks it's funny. Yeah. Um, and of course, we do so many 90s movies on this show. They are frequent needle drops, So Green Day, Always on Our Minds.

Yes. Emily, you sent us a news blurb that they have a, uh, their own slurpy flavor now. Yeah, because they're celebrating the anniversary of, I think it's the album with what, I don't know. Which album? Was it American Idiot? Is it Time of the...

You know what I think it is? Is it Nemrod? Is it Nemrod? So I think they star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Oh! They did? And this Slurpee flavor anyway is named for their album Kerplunk.

It is called Kerplunk Candy Grape. I don't know if it coincides with the anniversary of the album or anything, but Green Day, they have a slurpee flavor, Kerplunk Candy Grape. I grabbed these at a 7-Eleven in beautiful Burbank. Do you want some of mine? Okay, so here's the thing. I throw things out there,

and then Jordan actually follows through with it, where he drives places and he picks it up. Yeah, Emily, you're more of an ideas person. Yeah. Oh God, I hate that. Anybody who says that, like, I'm more of an ideas person is always the biggest cunt in town. It's just someone who doesn't wanna do any work.

Which, you know what, I think I'm the best lazy cunt now. Yes, I was gonna say that. So, if you're gonna have to deal with a lazy cunt who is an ideas bitch, aren't you glad I'm the one? I am glad. I'm the best one. But thank you for grabbing the order. No, no problem.

I have formed an opinion. I've been drinking this since birthday. Okay, I haven't. And now I would love for y'all to have a sip of the Green Day Slurpee. Cheers to the glass. Cheers. And tell us what you think.

Let's do it. I will say this is the first Slurpee I've had in years. I have not had a Slurpee in a hot minute. Really? Yeah, had them all the time as a kid, but just something I don't get that much anymore. Y'all, do y'all, how often do y'all do slurpees? I don't.

I don't do them. It's been a long time. I also just don't like them usually. I mean, I love me some like nice, you know, shaved ice stuff. Okay. I don't know, drink a soda, you pussy. Like what are you doing with this?

Well, first of all, there's. Like, what are you doing with this? I think the real pussy thing to do is to not drink shaved ice and or Slurpees. Real men drink Slurpees. I think we can all. Real men drink Fanta. Yeah. But you and I can have, we can all have this argument

off camera because good God, this is amazing. Isn't it good? Isn't it awesome? It's like cotton candy. It's delicious. It's very. Are you sure you don't want some of mine? I have had most of mine. I'm not gonna drink all of mine.

I'll drink yours, cause I'm not a pussy. I asked Jordan. Whoa. Cause I'm a strong man. Yeah, so I don't know if there's just something going on where I haven't had a Slurpee in a while and this sensation is really nice.

No, this is good. But this is great. This is special. It's really, really good. And I was a little afraid it'd be kind of sour because of the green color. And I'm like, I don't really love sour, sweet stuff. I'm shocked that it isn't sour. It's all sweet.

It's all delicious. It's kind of tropical. I think grape is misleading. So I think that you and I were looking at, we're trying to figure out what 7-Eleven's had this. And then I didn't realize how many flavors that 7-Eleven's had this, and then I didn't realize how many flavors that 7-Eleven had for Slurpees. Oh yeah, totally.

There's a pina colada and stuff, so honestly, I feel like pina colada is mixed into this. Yeah, maybe a little bit, it definitely has a little bit of that character to it. To me, it's cotton candy, as soon as it hits the tongue, it is like a cotton candy. I love this so much. Matt, what are your thoughts? It's really sweet and it tastes good and I want more.

OK. Yeah. I really like it. If you want some of mine, Jordan, put your straw in. Thank you. Well, hey, that's the Green Day Kerplunk Candy Grape Slurpee. We like it. God, get one.

And it's late at night, so we know that tonight I'll be having trouble trying to sleep. Yes. I'm drinking Slurpees running out. I've heard of brain stew, but brain freeze? Anyway, these are fun jokes about Green Day and Slurpees. Hey, let's talk about Batman Returns, shall we? Hell yeah. We're all kind of around the same age.

Matt, I know you had a period where you couldn't watch movies because of your strict family. That's true. The TVs were taken out of the house. But this was pre-TVs being taken out of the house. So you have seen this before. I have seen it. I think I saw it in theaters.

Yeah, I have a very distinct memory of standing in line at the theater to see this. I don't think I saw it in theaters. Yeah, I have a very distinct memory of standing in line at the theater to see this. I don't think I saw it in theaters, but I remember just loving it the minute I saw it. I don't remember where I was, but I don't think I was in theaters. Real treat to rewatch this for me. It had been a minute, and yeah,

well, obviously we'll get to it. Well, hey, it opens on a big iron gate with the name Cobblepot on it. Gotham City, a lot of gates with people's names on it. It's gotta have more gates with names on it per capita. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a gate with a name on it. Me too.

Wouldn't we all move to Gotham? Can I tell you something really quick? Please. Like, so I'm a big fan of Amy Sedaris, right? Sure. I live in an apartment. One of the finest. Like, I don't have like a lot of space. You should get a gate in front of your Sedaris, right? Sure. I live in an apartment. One of the finest. I don't have a lot of space.

You should get a gate in front of your apartment that just says Emily Fleming. Listen, Amy Sedaris hinges a screen door to her apartment door so she could slam it dramatically. I love it. She's such a queen. Could you imagine? I want to slam a fucking screen door in an apartment?

Amazing. Anyway, I would get my name. Fleming Manor. Fleming Manor a fucking screen door in an apartment. Amazing. Anyway, I would get my name like. Fleming Manor. Fleming Manor on a screen door that I can slam in an apartment building. You should do it. Just saying. Ask your landlord first.

Oh, yeah. That fucking bitch. Sorry. Yeah, they're going to keep your deposit when you move out, and they find a bunch of hinges they didn't put there. I guarantee you, she couldn't even try to find this podcast if she knew the name of it. Hey, so this is the Penguin's origin story.

It takes place during Christmas. This is a Christmas movie. Oh, okay. I never thought about this as a Christmas movie. Yeah, I know. I think we're all kind of tired of Die Hard as a Christmas movie. Let's all, let's all. Why not?

Why? I don't think it's weird that, I mean, I just think it's really cool that people think of Die Hard as a Christmas movie, but we need more options. Of course. Here's the other one. We need more unorthodox Christmas movies.

Titanic is a Christmas movie. Yeah. Is it? Didn't we decide Showgirls is a Christmas movie? I think we did, yes. Showgirls is a Christmas movie. Oh, you're right. Well, I would definitely think of this as a wintery movie,

but I like the idea of adding this to the Christmas. The Christmas canon. You're right. This is a Christmas canon. So we see a young penguin. We don't see him yet. He's like in a box. The baby penguin, he's making all sorts of gross noises.

He eats the family cat. And right there, I'm like, well, this is going to be a one out of 10 for me. I cannot stand to see a cat harmed. Are you going to mention what I wanna mention? Oh, I know exactly what you're gonna mention. That his dad is played by Paul Rubens. And in Gotham, he also plays Oswald Coulthard's dad.

Wow, I love that. This is why I love Gotham, you fucking pussies who don't like Gotham. You're yelling at internet comments again. Okay, just like I've talked to two people who hate that I like Gotham. You're yelling at internet comments again. Okay, just like I've talked to two people who hate that I love Gotham and I've taken it so personally. Don't take it personally.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's fine. People are allowed to not like them. This is a me problem. So the cat gets eaten, the baby gets thrown in the river, drifts all the way into the sewers. Yes, it's another movie from our childhood and involves the sewers. Yeah. Why did the 80s and 90s have so many sewer movies?

And so many orphans. Lot of orphans, sewers. There's a lot of people wondering, what the hell goes on down there? Yeah. Yeah, probably all sorts of penguins hanging out. I'll start writing a screenplay. I know.

It was full of whimsy. And then I moved to New York and everyone was like, chuds. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what? Chud. And then they were like, don't stand too close was like, Chuds. And I was like, what? Chuds. And then they were like, don't stand too close to the edge of the subway. And I'm like, why?

And I was convinced the Chuds were real when I first moved to New York. I wish there was just like LA Chuds, but there's not. No. They're just not as real as New York Chuds. I know. Because the LA Chuds don't read like the New York Chuds. It's the water. Because the LA Chuds don't read. Yeah. Like the New York Chuds. It's the water.

It's the tap water makes the Chuds read. It's a more refined Chud. And the bagels. I'm so sorry. I think there should be like a ding against every time I talk about how I used to live in New York. Yeah. Well, I'm a fan could keep an account

about how pretentious I am. I've got one. I've got one in my brain every time you mention it. In your brain? Yeah, I just roll my eyes. Where? I have a little Emily node in my brain. Bullshit.

It's turning into a cancerous tumor. Yeah, I bet it is. Sorry. So we're now in the modern day. We're at the Christmas tree lighting outside Shrek's department store. Great logo for Shrek's. It is like a cartoon cat head, very, very cool logo.

Yeah. Max Shrek of Shrek's Department Store played by Christopher fucking Walken. In the best wig. You kind of forget he's in this sometimes because like the other performances in this are so huge and great. You're like, oh, Walken's also in this and is also great.

But he is a lot more subdued. He's not doing Walken voice. But here's the thing. It's because he's so ethereally beautiful. He does. He looks really cool in this. The wig, the eyeshadow, the eyebrows. He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen in this movie. And then after this movie, he just was like, I'm a corpse.

Yeah, he became old immediately after this movie. But he was also a corpse and deer hunter. Like, what happened to him in this movie? He's beautiful. He peaks here. You know, I think Tim Burton just knows how to shoot a weirdo. Yes.

He just knows how to shoot a weirdo to make them beautiful. Look beautiful. Yeah, because that's his whole thing. It's like the beautiful weirdos of the world, you know? And yeah, I mean, fucking like. Yeah, it must have been hard for him to figure out

how to make a beautiful Helena Bonham Carter into a beautiful Eva Green, into a beautiful Monica Bellucci... Oh, sure, yes. Yeah. ...in his marriages. Ha ha ha! Tim Burton, uh, you know... Oh, yeah, he loves the Yuggos.

He's, uh, uh, he, one of the, uh, you know, one of my favorites, one of the goats. Nobody cooks like him when he's trying. Maybe some issues with women, maybe cooks like him when he's trying. Maybe some issues with women, maybe? I don't know, maybe? I'm gonna kind of have an argument here. Sure.

He's making some ladies very happy. That's true. The most beautiful woman in the world, what is he doing? I just gotta know. He's just that good of a filmmaker. That dick is crazy. Just know it. Yeah, that dick gotta be crazy.

They go crazy for that spooky dick. But the spooky dick, that's crazy, what is he doing? It's probably shaped like a sandworm. I hope it's just money, because I'd do it too. Nah, it's like a Beetlejuice sandworm type thing. Shut the fuck up. So he's kind of an evil business guy. He has a giant son who I think is the tallest person

in the movie. Oh. Tallest guy. And I'll quibble a little bit with the point that I don't think he's doing walk-in voice. I do think his walk-in-ing in this is pretty strong. And I think that the son, who has five lines, is doing a little walk-in impression to sound like Dad. Yes, yes.

The son doesn't say hardly anything this movie, but I think he says it like this. Yeah. Yeah. Dad, I love you. Is it weird that? Don't throw me to the penguin. Penguin.

The penguin. Is it weird that I think this movie could exist in the Hudsucker proxy? It's the same vibe. It's more aesthetic for sure. It's the same vibe. I really think the Coen brothers and Tim Burton should hang out.

Yeah, they should. They should team up. I feel like they're both gothic in a different way. I feel like there's a southern gothic kind of vibe to the Coen brothers that Tim Burton, they could really make something cool. They both shoot tall buildings in the same way. I think they could get together and beat the shit out

of Wes Anderson. 100%. Give him a wedgie. Yeah, exactly. Just beat him up. Be like, we get it. You like symmetry, idiot. Don't get my ass got in the toilet.

Oh, flush. But oddly enough, I do feel like a Wes Anderson movie could work with this movie. It could also work. Strangely. Oh, fudge! Oh, fudge! But oddly enough, I do feel like a Wes Anderson movie could work with this movie. It could also work. Strangely. So, you know, Max Shrek, he's evil. He's doing some evil business stuff with the power plant.

That doesn't really go anywhere. Plot, not this movie, Strongpoint. Who the fuck cares? Ah, you're right. He has his put-upon secretary, Selina Kyle. She tries to speak up in the meeting, but is shot down. And this is kind of a funny detail that I noticed. I think this is my first time watching this in HD.

Max Shrek has a bunch of photos of himself with celebrities and it's all Photoshopped on his wall. And there's one of him shaking hands with Elvis like Nixon. Anyway, really fun. I didn't notice that at all. Yeah, really fun detail. Again, I've probably only watched this movie on VHS, so like Nixon. Anyway, really fun. I didn't notice that at all. Yeah, really fun detail. Again, I've probably only watched this movie on VHS, so like seeing it in HD was really cool.

That's so cool. I mean, obviously like a fucking gorgeous movie. Can I also comment on, there's a lot of movies that make beautiful women look like, oh, they're not so beautiful. Like Miss Congeniality does this. Right, right, right. Where they try to make the most beautiful woman

in the world look. Here's, okay, this is a very stylish movie, a very specific, intentional, like stylized movie. The way they make Michelle Pfeiffer cheekbones for days, like the most beautiful woman alive, it's her performance, physicality, and the way she fits into the look of the scenery and everything, you believe it.

You believe that she's this woman that people would ignore. And even though she's perfect, and that I think speaks to the aesthetic and the direction of Tim Burton. I had the exact same feeling. I was shocked at how well they were able to pull off her being kind of frumpy or her being kind of just like some girl in the background. Well, it wasn't that she was frumpy.

It's like, she's not doing good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having a tough time. She's having a tough time, but the tailored business dress suit, oof. Yeah, she looks great. Yeah, she looks great. Both as Catwoman and Selena Kyle.

Oh yeah. We go to the Christmas tree lighting. Has anyone watched Traders? Has anybody tried to watch Traders? I watched the newest season. I've never watched any season before. I don't know what it is. It's a reality competition show hosted by Alan Cumming.

I tried to watch it. It wasn't hosted by him in the past though. Okay, well Alan Cumming hosts a season of it. But I tried to watch, kind of didn't really bounce, I kind of bounced off the actual game, but I loved watching him, he's great. And specifically the way he pronounces, murder, murder.

He's just born to pronounce that word. And in that same way, we get to hear Christopher Walken during the speech say, bobbles. He was born to say bobbles. It's the greatest single word said by an actor. Murder. It's a word invented. Baubles.

It's invented for him to say baubles. Wait, Matt, can you find a way to rip that sound? Oh, yeah. And can we please make it a sting for something? Yeah, we'll figure out some way to re-mention baubles. Baubles. Eventually. I wasn't even thinking about it.

And so they're lighting this Christmas tree, and clowns invade. Now, is this a little confusing because we just had a movie where the bad guy was a clown and now we have more clowns? A little, who cares? Yep. Move on. Yes. I never even thought about it that way. Yeah, it's interesting because in the comics,

the Penguin is a gangster. But in the first movie, the Joker is a gangster. Now, whatever. Well, also, you could think about it and go, didn't Burton do the movie before this? Yeah, sure. OK, so the fact that the Joker got taken down, what are these lost like, but, you know, lost lackeys

that have to find someone new to cling to? I think that's it. Yeah, so I think it goes with the Penguin's backstory in this is that he was a little circus boy and he became their boss. But I think if you did wanna sequelize this a little more, and by the way, I kind of like how this, you know, it doesn't mention the first movie a whole lot.

No, it doesn't. I think you a whole lot. No, it doesn't. I think you could do a thing where, like, the Penguin took the Joker's gang anyway. Well, I never even thought about it like this, and I've also never questioned the fact that they were clowns. I know, it's very weird. I watched it again and I didn't question it, but you're completely right,

but I'm gonna choose to believe that he took over. That's a better story. Oh, thanks. So, then that's, you know, so the clowns are invading. We get the first, you know, Batman pulls up in the Batmobile. I like it. They shoot up the Bat-Signal, and Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne is just sitting in a chair brooding.

He's not doing anything. He's like, what? He doesn't have a real job. He's a Nebo baby. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, he doesn't have to look at a book to read. He's reading on the inside. That's right. He's reading nepo baby. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, he doesn't have to look at a book to read he's reading on the inside That's right. He's reading in the mind. He's just staring at fire for like half the movie, too

What do you think he's reading a Grisham or what the fuck is he reading? He's reading a Stephen King And for sure. Choose your own adventure. I'm gonna go into the spooky cave. I'm reading something spooky ookie So he kind of tools around in the Batmobile. He kind of beats up these clowns. There's this part where there's this clown who's like spitting fire. And he turns the Batmobile around and launches the fire jets at this guy. Now, every time there's a Batman movie, there's a debate.

Batman doesn't kill. Batman fucking killed this guy. For sure. He blasted him with fire. I always thought that was so weird when people were like, Batman doesn't kill people. I'm like, why the fuck not? Like I don't Yeah, who's gonna arrest him?

Also, I think Arkham Asylum is worse than death personally, right? And I think him sitting there is way more black them all with fire. They're fucking killing somebody also. I have a Distinct memory of owning a batmobile toy that had gun turrets on it. Oh yeah. What do you do with a gun? Other than kill people. Huge machine gun. Here's a little bit of an argument here.

I never use it. Where there are guns or weapons, it doesn't always mean penetration of the skin or death. I'm shooting rubber bullets, could be shooting tear gas or something. Think about the Power Rangers. They had guns in the first season. That's right, they did. And all they did was just do little fireworks They had guns in the first season. That's right, they did.

And all they did was just do little fireworks on the chest of the putties. They liked it too. That's a good point. Yeah, they could be, sure, you're right. This is a comic book world. None of the bullets penetrated anyone. And then you think about the Ninja Turtles,

they had all these weapons. You never saw them stab anybody. It would be really funny though to see Raphael stab someone in the head with a scythe. And they just have to deal with it. She's like freaked out. Bleeding out. Now, that is a sketch.

Yeah. Y'all don't steal that and do it on TikTok. I'm watching you. Don't do it on TikTok. That's a lot of me. It's our thing. Don't go back 15 years and do it on Funny or Die. Oh, fuck.

We definitely did that. So yeah, so Mac Shrek, he kind of gets kidnapped by the Penguin and kind of roped into this like blackmail scheme he's doing. Selena Kyle goes back to the office to work late and she finds the secret power plans that Max had that don't really go anywhere and he pushes her out the window.

But she is chomped on by a bunch of neighborhood cats and woken up into a cat zombie. Again, this is never explained. I don't care. I don't need it. She's got nine lives, whatever. This is what I like. What I love about this is that- There's stuff happening.

Yes. As a kid, my memory of Batman villains was that in order to become one, you had to fall into a vat of something. Yeah, vats. And what I like is that she fell into a vat of cat and became Catwoman. As a kid, I was like, I guess that's just,

they licked her back to life. And then she woke up and drank milk right out of the carton. Well, I think that a lot of what I liked about Batman is there isn't supposedly any supernatural element. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you add style to it, and the suspension of disbelief, and fantasy to it, then you could just make this universe whatever you want,

but it isn't about superpowers, it's what is this theatrical universe that looks like Nosferatu. Right, yeah, there's always some sort of scientific explet. Like, Mr. Freeze became Mr. Freeze because he got frozen. And that's why Tim Burton would never want to fuck with that. Yeah, I forget.

I think that was, was it Joel Shoemaker? It was Shoemaker. Yeah. And that's when they got into the whole, like, Poison Ivy is more scientific. Right, yeah. Like, Mr. Freeze is more that. But I think that the spiritual heart of Batman

is Catwoman, Batman, Riddler, and Penguin, at least for me personally. So I don't need an explanation. Just fucking do it. That's what this movie does. She's Catwoman. Big deal. Move on.

Fucking move on. It's perfect. It's a perfect movie. Sorry. I'm telling my, I'm showing my hand too early. So she's now this kind of like, you know, wild-eyed cat zombie. She goes to her apartment, and again, this is a really fun-

Cool apartment shot. Yeah, the apartment looks great, and she- It's my favorite apartment in cinema history. It's awesome, and again, my first time watching this in HD, and you know, she has all these little like, kid watching this in HD, and she has all these little kid collections. She has all these stuffed animals, she has doll houses, and it's this kind of like, she is now, she is no longer a child,

she's an insane woman. When am I gonna get that transition? You'll get bit by a bunch of cats. Just lay down in the road until cats lick you. I'll push you out a window if you want. I gotta make my American girl all like goth at some point. Yeah, what I love about this is it's so made for kids, especially like adolescent girls.

But also moms. No, for sure, but I mean, she's so teen girl coded. She goes from, her coming of age story in this is, she's so teen girl coded. She goes from her coming of age story in this is she's being harassed by her boss and then gets pushed out of a window and she goes from American girl doll Emily to Patty and Dirk goth girl immediately. I'd say that I am more the first one

in terms of appearance. Well, you haven't fallen off the window yet. I know. But let me tell you, there is a photo that I will find. My mom was very into face painting for a while. She painted my face in full on Michelle Pfeiffer with the stitches and everything, and I got the costume. That was one of my biggest Halloween costumes.

I'm obsessed with it. I think this is one of the most fun feminist characters. I don't know, it was like, but also, she's a woman. She's a grown woman that looks like. She's not a cat girl. But the thing is, her character is a grown ass woman that people are ignoring. They don't see her as desirable. So it kind of reads as, oh, she's probably

in her late 30s. Right, right, right, right, right, right. And then she just transforms. There's something very empowering about her being an older woman who has a job. I don't know, I loved it. I love her so much. She's great.

I was watching it going, I'm like, is this one of the finest cinema performances it might be? Yes, of all fucking time. No joke, she's so good at it. But also, I think there's another amazing cinema performance in this movie. It's full of them, it's fucking full of them. Fucking full of them.

So yeah, so that's, so she, so kind of the final nail in the coffin, she has a little neon sign that says hello there, and she smashes it to say hell here. Yeah. I bet we have at least one listener who has that on their wall. 100%.

If you are that listener, email us, freewithadsatmaximumfund.org. I desperately want that neon sign. So yeah, so she goes out and kind of starts doing superhero stuff a little bit. She saves a woman, says, I am Catwoman, hear me roar. Meow. So back in the kind of Penguin story,

by the way, Batman is not in this Batman movie at all. Who gives a shit? I know, and it is kind of a cool way to do a sequel, and I kind of wish when superhero movies, like, okay, we gotta do Spider-Man 6, we gotta do Thor 9, like, make it more about the villains. Villains are interesting. We've already gotten the superhero, anyway.

So I like that this is more about the villains. Would you argue that DC is like, the villains are better than any of the heroes? I mean, I think DC has really strong villains. They're really, really cool. I think that that's the difference for me, and that's why I'm kind of more of a DC girly. But yeah, they're great in this, and obviously it's so cool

that this movie is more about them than it is about Batman, who he already saw a movie about. So yeah, so in the kind of Penguin story, they're trying to get him to run for mayor, they do this scam where he saves the mayor's baby. And then they take, and one of the most visceral scenes in all of film. Walken kind of lures him into this campaign office using a dead fish, which he starts to eat raw, and he introduces him to these PR people, one of them played by Jan Hooks, good to see Jan Hooks in here, she's very funny. And then she wants him to put on gloves,

and she's like, polls show that the voters like fingers anyway, very funny line. He doesn't have any. And then so he's eating, just chomping this raw fish and then he bites this guy's nose until it bleeds. Oh my God. It's all so gross and hilarious.

Yeah, because the guy insults him. He says, I guess they don't have any reflective surfaces where you come from. He's also going to town on this fish, which I feel like I've watched the thing about how he talks about, like, DeVito talks about the process of that. Sure. Oh, my God, it's so disturbing.

It's really gross. It's like a horror movie at this moment. Yeah. Can I say something about Danny DeVito in this? No. I think he's wonderful. I think his performance is great. But. As an adult, rewatching this, I realized

in this movie, the penguin is actually sort of a penguin, which is a strange choice. Because Catwoman is not actually sort of a cat. I disagree. She makes her own nails. She likes milk now, sure. Why is she licking herself? Because she fell off a building

and she has some sort of traumatic brain injury. I'll accept that. Yeah, all right. But the idea that- But she doesn't grow fur, is what you're saying, or a tail. No. Whereas the penguin seems to be part penguin.

Right. And there's something about that. As a kid, I did not question this at all. It is a kids' movie. I still don't question it, Matt. I understand that. As an adult, I started going like, wait, why was he actually kind of a penguin?

Isn't that strange? That didn't sit weird with you? Well, I mean, there's a couple arguments you could have here. I think that the circus element is something we talked about. Sure. Where it's like, there is like lobster boy

was this kind of thing. Uh-huh. Right. Like carnivals and stuff like that. So I think they were trying to expand on this. Oh, okay, I like that. And it was almost like he decided. Right.

Because my parents threw me away, I'm gonna lean into this persona. But are we supposed to understand that he was raised by the underground penguins? Or did he? Yes, that is what they said. Okay, but so. But also in the circus. I know, because the penguins find him on his little sewer journey.

Sure. And I guess maybe they're- And they're giant penguins, by the way. Yes. And I think, I mean, there's this movie, Tallest Bird. Oh, that's true, that's true. Tallest Bird. Tallest Bird. So yeah, so they're trying to do this

mayoral campaign for the penguin. Meanwhile, like Catwoman is just doing all sorts of like terrorism to like Mac Shrek's empire. Love it. She kind of fucks up his department store. Very popular internet clip, the raw footage of her, Michelle Pfeiffer whipping the heads off all the mannequins in one take.

Yeah. That scene is edited in the movie, but she did it in one take, and you can hear the crew go nuts in it. Very great video. I mean. I'm sure you've seen it, but it's awesome. She's a fucking badass. She's great.

She's about to do a couple of new things. Anything she does, I'm watching it. Always good. So that's kind of going on, and then Batman and Catwoman kind of have their first fight. Um, they, uh, they end up kind of fighting under the mistletoe, and he says, uh, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it, and she says, but a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.

Great memorable line, but think about if she didn't have the follow-up.lier if you mean it. Great memorable line, but think about if she didn't have the follow-up. What if you just said to someone, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. And she just eats it? Oh, or just like, what a thing to say under the mistletoe. Then she just goes, it's a good thing your dick

isn't made out of mistletoe. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, blah, blah. Yeah. For those of you listening at home, we have had sex before. I promise. Sure, yeah. And that's what it sounds like. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum,

yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, by her impression of blowjob. At some point, I regrow my hymen once a year. So there, like a gecko has lost its tail. Shut up.

So Batman and Catwoman are having flirt fighting, while Bruce Wayne and Selena Kyle, they don't know about the alter egos and they're like having a little flirt thing. Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer's chemistry is out of control, it's so great. It is crazy. And he, like, sometimes in a movie

when someone is being a weirdo, like Michael Keaton is a weirdo in these movies. It can be like hard to have chemistry with them. I don't think he's being a weirdo. I think his Bruce Wayne is intentionally kind of a ticky weirdo. And I think that's why it was novel, right? Because he wasn't necessarily playing a playboy.

He was this kind of damaged dude. Yeah. And I think that's why people like it. But I think it can be hard to connect with those sorts of performances. But they're so fucking good together. I sometimes worry if he can move his neck. Maybe, yeah.

Not in that suit. Because he's always like. I feel like it was a suit problem. He does this herky-jerky. Might have been a suit issue. It was a suit issue. It had to be. But even out of the suit, he's kind of herky-jerky.

Exactly. It's not just the suit. I kind of compared this performance to Robert Downey Jr. with Iron Man. Sure. Whereas this super kind of cocky, charismatic guy, but Robert Downey Jr. can move his fucking neck.

That's true. He has that on. I think that's the difference. Also, can we talk about how goddamn pointy Michael Keaton's lips are? Yeah. Of all the, OK, because you don't see the full face of Batman, right?

It's all lip, baby. That helmet, you don't see much, but you see a lot of lip, I mean, Val Kilmer's lips. I'm gonna argue, best lips in this fucking game with Batman. But everybody's played Batman, gorgeous. But I swear to God, you could cut glass on the top points of Michael Keaton's lips. So like, they are hard points.

Like, nothing sexy about it. I mean, I still think it's hot, but yeah, he does have... No, it's hot, but like... There's like two Batman who have bottom faces, bottom half of the face, where they are instantly recognizable. He is one of them. He's one of them, and then also Christian Bale.

They both have very distinct mouths, so I'm kind of like, I'd know it was him. Yeah, I mean, if Michael Keaton eats you out, you're getting a couple more pussy lips. Like, you're gonna get a few more, little lady. Sorry. It's okay, it's all set up. They're flirting, the Penguin's running for mayor,

we're about to get to the climax, and we'll talk about it when we come back We're back. It's Free With Ads. We're talking about the thrilling finale of Batman Returns, Baubles. So Bruce Wayne and Selena Kyle, they have their story. The Penguin is running for mayor, but they try and frame Batman by taking control of the Batmobile, very cool scene. Hell yeah.

Wait, do you guys have opinions on the Batmobiles? I'm not, like, I like, I just am like, cool, the Batmobile. I don't have one that I love above others. I like how there's a new take on it in each movie. I think that's kind of neat. Yeah, it's one of the coolest things, but I feel like this is the same one to the first movie, but maybe I'm wrong.

I think it is. The Tim Burton Batmobiles were my favorite. They're cool. I am not a Nolan Batmobile fan. Me neither. It's big tank, yeah. It's too boring. Yeah, it is.

It's like military vehicles. Right. But then the Schumacher ones, I think those are my favorites. They're cool. Those are pretty fun. I know, where they have these neon lights on them. Yeah. It's like, Batman's coming, Batman's coming.

Yeah, it's like. No element of surprise. Exactly, but they're cool looking. They're great. I would love just a taco truck. That would be sick. I mean, that would make sense. So while Penguin has control of the Batmobile,

he's doing all these taunts, which Batman is recording on a CD, probably very new to see a CD in a movie. Oh my God. What does he have? Yeah. What's that flat tape? What? 1992. So he plays it for a big audience.

There's so many press conferences in this movie. Yeah. Jesus Christ. People are constantly So like he plays it for a big audience. There's so many press conferences in this movie. People are constantly having press conferences all the time. You're so right. And they're all getting attacked. I didn't even think about how many press conferences. Yeah, you're right.

This movie is 90% press conferences. So they play his rant during one of the press conferences. Everybody hates him. They all throw vegetables at him. He has this great line. There's always somebody who brings vegetables and rotten eggs to a speech. Great little funny joke calling that out.

Um, yeah, so they, the kind of, there's a, there's a, this kind of fancy Christmas costume party, I guess. Christmas costume party, whatever, where everyone seems to be dressed as buildings. I think people are dressed as famous buildings at this thing. Anyway. It's like Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Yeah, yeah, it is something like that. And then kind of Bruce and Selena do the mistletoe thing to each other. The mistletoe thing can be deadly if you eat it. So they know. And she's like, do we have to start fighting? It's a great line. Yeah.

Hell yeah, you do. But, so that kind of leads to the climax. The Penguin gets mad about his mayoral campaign. And so his solution is to strap missiles of leads to the climax. The Penguin gets mad about his mayoral campaign, and so his solution is to strap missiles to a bunch of Penguins and send them out into the middle of Gotham. There are like six moments in this movie

where I'm just like, this is so fucking weird. It's so fucking weird this was like a mainstream sequel to a blockbuster. It's like, well, and now the Penguins have missiles on them. It's so great. Well, the thing is with these movies, the real enemy was corporate greed. Sure.

And then there's just this crazy guy who they pin who ends up being a scapegoat in a way. They wanted him to be the mayor so they could pin a bunch of shit on him. That was the whole point. So him strapping missiles to a penguin is like, yeah. Yeah, what would you do? What was he gonna do, win? So him strapping missiles to a penguin is like, yeah. Yeah. What would you do?

What was he gonna do, win? Like, he was always the scapegoat from the beginning. So Batman kind of jams the penguin's radar signals. And they all go back to the penguin's hideout. Selina Kyle fights Max Shrek. He shoots her a couple times, she loses her remaining lives, and then she kisses him with this taser

she got earlier in the movie. Ah! Also, I just want to point out that Penguin's penguins are taller than him. They're like a bunch of Dakota Fannings. They're about that height. Yeah. Dakota Fanning, also very sleek in the water.

Absolutely. The scene that you're talking about, the Taser Kiss, the death of Mack Shrek, is a recurring nightmare that I have. Oh. What? It was one of the scariest things I had ever seen. It's terrifying.

Just because he comes out as a skeleton. Yes, he turns into a skeleton. But not just like full on skeleton. He also has like, his eyes are all bugged out and stuff. And as a kid, I was like, oh, this is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Wait a minute. Did you not see Indiana Jones when you were a kid?

I only saw Temple of Doom. Oh, so this was scarier than Temple of Doom. This was scarier than Temple of Doom. Yeah, because a woman did it. Yeah, first of all, because I was like, damn, these bitches could do anything. Never kiss, never kiss a woman. As a five-year-old, I said, damn, these bitches is crazy.

It was actually pretty scary. It was very scary. I'm with you. That was supposed to be, in the original plan for this movie, is that was supposed to be Harvey Dent played by Billy Dee Williams. And that was supposed to be the origin of Two-Face who would be the villain in the next movie.

No shit. Yeah, I know. That's kind of a good idea. It is a good idea. And Marlon Wayans was gonna be Robin. Oh. So they did not make those movies. I'm glad we avoided that.

A real wacky Robin. I feel like Marlon Wayans actually is, in my mind, has proven himself to be a very good actor. He is, but he's not Robin. It's true, he could be Robin. No. You see, I could see it. He can't do everything.

That's true. So yeah, anyway, so I think they've done that story in the comics now. They've gone back and continued this Burton universe. Anyway, I haven't read it. I like that. So yeah, that's kind of the end of all the bad guys. Oh, Batman kills the Penguin,

and the Penguins have a little funeral for him. They have a Penguin funeral! And that's when I'm like, this movie's insane! I love it. The Penguin funeral is like, and he at this point has gotten his ass kicked, he's bleeding from the mouth, and it's this dark black blood.

Black blood. And he's just like, I just need a drink of ice cold water. It's so good. And he falls in and he dies. And then giant penguins show up to just march with him, march with the body. And I'm like, does this mean something or is this just... He fucks those penguins.

I mean, this is his family. At this point, or is this just? He fucks those penguins. I mean, this is his family. At this point I'm like. It is his family. They just let Tim Burton do whatever he wanted and I'm all in on it. I'm so in on it. Weird shit.

Cool. So yeah, that's kind of the end of everybody. Selena Kyle kind of disappears, but Bruce Wayne finds her cat and he takes it home with him and Alfred. That's right. And then we see her silhouette come up against the Bat Signal. Fucking awesome last image.

Hell, yes. She's got one life left. One life left. Yeah. That's right. It's Batman Returns. We're going to rate the movie on a scale of 1 to 10 Super Lat commercials, but first we

got to talk about the hunks of the movie in a segment we call Hunk Watch. Oh yeah. Yeah, jump the gun on that one. We all know what's coming. Yeah, I mean, you know, Michelle Pfeiffer, we haven't talked about her on this show yet in any official capacity, oh my God.

Special shout out to the woman who plays the ice princess, though, who gets pushed off the roof by Penguin. Yeah, she's a total babe. Yeah, super hot. 90s babe. Any other thoughts other than Michelle Pfeiffer? Michelle Pfeiffer is the ultimate hunk, but I got to say Christopher Walken

in that beautiful, ethereal, icy gray wig. Good god, he's beautiful. He's not just sexy and handsome and masculine. He's beautiful. I don't know. Those cheek masculine, he's beautiful. I don't know. It's the prettiest. Those cheekbones, man. Yes.

He's a pretty man when he wants to be. But yeah, I mean, of course, Michael Keaton and those pointy ass lips. A lot of hunks in there. Razor sharp tips of the lips. I think I'm giving hunk of the movie to Danny DeVito. OK. All right.

And I'll tell you why. I get it. You need attention. No, it's not an attention thing. But. All right. And I'll tell you why. I get it, you need attention. No, it's not an attention thing, but it's because I haven't talked in a while, and I just feel like talking. Yeah, say some stuff, Matt. Say whatever words you want to.

I just haven't talked in a while. And no, the reason is because, you know, he plays this very gross little guy, and yet as soon as he starts giving a speech to Gotham, I realize like, oh yeah man, he's got Riz. And there's something about his Riz. I mean, the problem is at one point he's eating the fish raw and everyone thinks he's weird.

But when he tries, he's the hottest dude in this movie by far. Well, I think that maybe that is a Oswald Cobblepot, like, I don't know, trait, because when you watch anything else, like the new, the new television show. Yeah, in which the penguin is not an actual fucking penguin.

Yeah. He does a funny little walk though. Yeah, he does a funny walk. But he's not the richest or most attractive man, but his power of persuasion is his biggest strength. Exactly. Which I didn't realize that until watching this again. That is his biggest strength.

That's his thing. He's got the gift of gab. He can talk his way out of anything. And it is sexy. Yeah. It's sexy. So I think he's the hunk. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we are going to rank Batman Returns when we come back. ["Batman Returns Theme Song"] We're back. It's Free With Ads. We're gonna rank Batman Returns on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. But first, we want to tell you about some bonus episodes you can get of this show and all the Max Fun shows. Go to MaximumFun.org slash join, support the network, and you will get our bonus episodes, including our two-part Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, our upcoming Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode, and as Emily mentioned,

we watched the pilot of Gotham for this show, and you can listen to that right now by going to maximumfun.org slash join and supporting the network, and of course you can also get our merch at MaxFunStore.com. It's good. Okay, Batman, one to 10, super loud commercials.

Emily, I think you're the biggest fan of this movie, I think, so I'll let you go last. I'll start her off. All right. I also love this movie. It's so gorgeous. Again, if you have not seen it in HD, do it, do it. It looks so good. And yeah, I mean, and it's so, so gorgeous. Again, if you have not seen it in HD, do it, do it. It looks so good.

And yeah, I mean, and it's so, so weird. It's wild to think that this weird movie, which maybe would get made today, but it would be like an A24 movie that plays in three theaters. Like the fact that this was a blockbuster. And over explains itself. Yeah, and would have too much backstory.

Yes. That this is like weirdo movie, had happy meal toys and shit. I don't know if it specifically did, but I'm sure that's been tied in. I think it did. I think it did. Yeah. Yeah.

So I think it's so wild that this was like a blockbuster. And yeah, it's so cool and so fun to rewatch. I'm giving it a nine. Oh. Matt, what'd you think? I am sorry that I'm going to do this, but I just have very strong feelings about this movie in general, which is that I think it's good,

but I can't fully enjoy it as an adult because I'm scared of when he gets electrocuted and because I feel like the penguin being an actual penguin is a weird thing. I'm not weird, the movie is weird. So I give it a six. I like it, it's fun. It's not my favorite Batman series.

You know, I do like Nolan, even though I don't like the Nolan Batmobile. But it was fun. I'm glad people liked it. I'm excited to watch more Batman movies in the future and to know what you think, because I will never forget this moment. I know excited to watch more Batman movies in the future and to know what you think, because I will never forget this moment. I know, I felt like I was betraying you by not liking it.

This has replaced the Moonstruck incident. Yeah, this is, yeah, new Moonstruck. Oh, I forgot about the Moonstruck thing. I just remembered how much I hate you. Yeah, you forgot. And love you. I share different opinions. They're wrong.

Emily, what do you think? Take it home. All right, first of all, I just looked up, you know, kidsmeal.f opinions. Emily, what do you think? Take it home. All right. First of all, I just looked up kidsmeal.fandom.com. And it's got like, I mean, it's pretty cool. There was like not only toys, there were cups that are pretty rad. And I'm going to need the Catwoman cup stat. But yeah, I guess Catwoman had her own mobile.

There was a Catwoman mobile from my dog. That makes sense. Anyway, I'm going to need that. It's a tippy tin for me, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I've been pretty fru. Like, I've been doling them out. You've been telegraphing it.

I've been doling out the tippy tins lately. Here's what I love about it. Tim Burton, Paul Rubin, I do think that there is a correlation between imagination and justifying like plot points in reality. And I really love the way he just, you feel like you live in a world of someone's imagination

as opposed to living in a world that has justifications and reasoning. I love the world that this movie exists in. Also, I love Batman the Animated Series. This feels like watching Batman the Animated Series, but as a live-action movie for me personally. I love this fucking movie. Michelle Pfeiffer is the goat.

This is the best performance I've ever seen her do. I love her so much. Other than Grease 2. Other than Grease 2, of course. Yeah, let's be real. Oh yeah, I guess we have talked about a Michelle Pfeiffer is the goat. This is the best performance I've ever seen her do. I love her so much. Other than Grease 2. Other than Grease 2, of course. Yeah, let's be real. Oh yeah, I guess we have talked about a Michelle Pfeiffer movie. Grease 2. Yeah, other than Grease 2.

Yeah, this is her second best performance. Second best performance. We all know Grease 2. So yeah, I love this fucking movie so much. I think it is my favorite Batman movie, period. But I'm excited to watch the other ones in the future. Maybe they can change my mind. All right, that was Batman Returns.

We think you should watch it. Let's talk about some plugs. Anybody got anything going on, Matt? Any stuff? I sure do. Come to The Elysian on May 30th and see myself and my wife. Hell yeah. We're gonna do a live podcast,

a live bituation room with Francesca Fiorentini with me and others. Come check it out. Take a link in the description. The Legion Theater on LA's beautiful East Side. That's right. Emily, you got anything? Yeah, I got May 24th.

I will be performing at the Broadwater. I'm doing standup and I think the show is called The Come Report. I think I've promoted this before. I think I'm headlining. Hey, finally. Finally. You're headlining The Come Report.

Anyway, that's kind of what I'm doing. I showed up a month ago on the 24th thinking it was that day. It wasn't. But it's actually May 24, so come on out, please. The Broadwater, also in LA. Yes, the Broadwater is, it's a pretty cool like independent theater. Oh yeah.

And there'll be other people, I guess full of cum, I don't know. Sure, maybe. Young, dumb, and poet. Young, dumb, and hopefully full of cum, ideally. Yeah. Hey, if you're a Canadian and you live near Toronto, come see me at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival.

I'm gonna be there June 7th and 8th, selling books, signing books. It's a free event. It is at 50 Carlton Street in Toronto. Please come by. It's a really, really cool event supported by a library. We love them. Okay, coming up next week, a very special episode. Let's set the table a little bit.

We had a discussion a couple weeks ago where Matt and Emily vaguely remembered movie posters from their childhood. That made us horny. That made you horny and afraid. Yes. And you were wondering if they were actually real movies. Yes. Matt's was an ant on Titty movie.

That's right. And y'all found it so quick. Immediately. Someone, I think, basically Googled Titty's covered in ants and found it. And I was like, oh, I should have done thatled, tiddies covered in ants and found it. And I was like, oh, I should have done that. But Emily's was kind of hard.

We got a lot of stuff that, like, wasn't right. And it was so close. Like, people, like, sent me stuff that was really good. But I can't believe this. I started thinking, because I thought it was a movie cover I saw in a grocery store. Right. Not Dearberg.

It was like, I don't know what it was. Dearberg's, I think, was the name of the grocery store. Or Piggly Wiggly, let's say. Something, but they had a little movie section, and every time I went to the grocery store, I get horny from just looking at this cassette tape. And I thought it was Bernadette Peters in scantily clad clothes and hands ripping her clothes off,

and it was gray in the background, and it was Bernadette Peters. I thought maybe it was a figment of my imagination. You guys sent me amazing options, and oh my fucking God. Finally someone found it. Someone found it. I can't believe it's real.

Like, I just feel like there's this universal connection to my past self. Yeah. And not only did someone find it, but it is available. It's free with ads. So next week, we will be watching Stripped to Kill Two Live Girls from 1989,

as of this recording, streaming free on Plex. I didn't even know. It's a horror movie about strippers. We have not watched it yet. We will be watching it and bringing our findings to you next week on the show. Tune in please. I'm so excited. Thanks for watching!