Free With Ads - Cruel Intentions

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

This week we watched one of the most disturbing teen movies of the 90s, the Sarah Michelle Gellar vs Ryan Phillippe near-incest classic Cruel Intentions about terrible people being horrible! We watched this on Kanopy using our library card! Tune in next week when July-brary continues with our movie... The Third Man (1949) ----- SATURDAY JULY 11th!!! Come see Matt Lieb do stand up at the Ice House in Pasadena at 8pm. Tickets are here. Jordan will be at San Diego Comic Con Friday and Saturday July 24th and 25th.  Pre-order signed copies of Jordan's new comic book series "The Amazing Venom" here at bit.ly/goofriends Or order signed coplies of Jordan's Predator: Bloodshed series at bit.ly/bigdangfight Emily got some more FlemGems for you at her ETSY Store. Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinfreewithads

This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asked the question, why pay Paramount plus nine bucks a month to watch a bunch of 90s throwbacks when you could go online for free and watch a 90s thriller that'll have you alternately saying, wow, that's hot. And, ooh, yikes. Well, it was a different time. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Cruel Intentions, the erotic step-sibling movie that was apparently the basis for all modern. porn. With us as always is the super producer, The He Freak, Matt Leeb,

hitting us with those drops that I'm sure will age great. Get it together, you pussy. Yeah, got it together, you pusser. One of the less fucked up things that anyone has said in this movie. Yeah, yeah, probably the most PG thing that happens in the whole movie when he calls himself a pusser.

With that riveting delivery, that wonderful enunciation. God, you know, just the way he's always acting with his mess. mouth. Yeah. Well, those lips are so happy. It's like his head is just attached to those lips.

Yes, the lips are doing, they're doing so much that the words in the throat don't happen sometimes. It's kind of like the whole, do your ears hang low? Do they wob? It's like he's got to pick up a lip and hoist it over his shoulder. Yeah. Get the words out. Ryan, Philippi, the man with the gargantuan lips.

Yes. It puts the lip in Philippi, you know what I mean? There you go. There you go. Before we pay lip service to this movie, which is as of this recording, streaming free with your library card, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free

on the internet this week. There it is. Okay. So, have you all seen the He-Man movie Masters of the Universe? No, no. Don't worry about it. It's got some fun stuff in it. It's hit and miss.

but there is some like fun kind of references to the original cartoons. Okay. There's a good gag that kind of parodies, when we were kids in the 80s, cartoons were just toy commercials, but they were legally obligated to at least try to have some redeeming content. So a lot of times- It needed to have a story, I think, by law. Yeah. But barely. Yeah.

It's mostly long commercials for plastic swords. Sure. And at the end of cartoons, sometimes they'll have the characters using recycled animation. That's right. Well, what did we learn today? And it would be like, if you see a discarded fridge, don't get in it. It's stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't go into the dryer, no matter how fun it looks. Yeah. Because when you get stuck in it, Jordan Morris will be right behind you. Look out for your step sibling who might be creeping up behind you. Windowsills aren't much safer either. No, they're not. So I so there's a fun gag about those little PSAs in the He-Man movie and it made me think of the actual ones from He-Man. Sure.

And there is a He-Man YouTube channel that has just collected them. So you don't have to watch the episodes. You can just watch the lessons. I love that. And there was one and it's not just like safety stuff. It's like emotional stuff. Huh. There's one I want to play.

this is you'll hear the voice of orco the weird little wizard guy who just yelled annoying catchphrases telling you what to do if you have an emotionally distant parent nice all right here it is yeah maybe like adam's father your parents find it a little difficult to say i love you even so you can be sure they do besides then you ask you something when was the last time you said i love you to them bye Bye. Bye. Yeah. It's your fault, kid. You should be the parent to your your parent who can't muster and I love you. They come from a different generation.

Yeah. Sometimes parents are like a absentee boyfriend that you have. That's how you should treat them. Jesus. Back in their generation, they didn't complain or go to therapy. Bye. Bye. If your parents are

Hugging you enough, it's your fault. Bye! Maybe your breath smells like alcohol. You ever thought about that? That's it? Fuck you. Bye. You're the reason your parents got a divorce.

That is really insane. That was a BSA for kids. Maybe it's your fault. You have type 1 diabetes. No, Orco, no. Have you ever considered being a little more athletic? you fat piece of shit. Bye.

The doctors don't tell you what's in those vaccinations. Whoa. Orco. Bye. You know who controls the banks, don't you? Okay. Hold on, Orco. Hold on.

Let me go. Just getting arrested. Bye. They're trying to silence me. Bye. I can be on Candace Owens next week. Bye. I'll be a stand-up comedy in Austin from now on.

Yeah, the mother ship's great. I'm going to say. us of bone broth. Orgo. Stop selling us bone broth. Anyway, check out the Masters of the

Universe YouTube channel if you want a lot of very questionable advice. Life lessons, sure. One more little thing because I think it pertains to our little

universe of movies that we watch. This month, things are a little bit different. It's Jew Library. Again, once again, great job, Emily, thinking of the name. Thanks.

We are watching movies. We can get on sites using our library card. A lot of fun. If you don't have your library card, grab it. Get yourself some free streaming services. But usually, you know, one of the services we use is Tooby, a totally wackadoo collection of movies. The news came down this week that Tooby will now be featuring podcasts. and of course it is from a lot of famous people.

Sure. You know, Conan O'Brien, Kevin Hart. Yeah, you know, people who need more distribution. Yeah, people who we got to just, we got to let people know about Kevin Hart. They got to know. We got to help them. And despite our applicable topic, we were not asked to participate. And I feel really stabbed in the back.

And therefore, I must say, et to be. Wow Wow It to be Unbelievable Anyway Long run Worth it

That was That was You know what I regret not having This Ready to go Baby baby baby Don't

Just like I wish I'd been Over your shoulder When the pun was written Honestly though At this point I'm not above asking our audience if any of them works for Tooby. Oh yeah. Do you guys work for Tooby?

If you're someone who works for Tooby and can be like, hey, we have the perfect podcast for you. Let them know. Well, we'd have to start filming it, though, which we don't really want to do. I mean, if Toby wants it, then sure. Do you have cameras? Yeah. They're filming all these sharknadoes and things Medea's doing. We'll go into the camera room and record there.

Just, you know. Well, Jordan, it's actually. asylum that's like filming the shark natos maybe they would like a podcast maybe asylum entertainment with like all us asylum we'll get eaten by a shark at the end of every episode kill us kill us well yeah uh listen write your local toby write your local zoomo play your local toby write your local that one tab on youtube uh get us get us some more audience um but have you tried telling to be that you love them why you know what that's right Orko. I have not told Tooby that I love it lately.

You don't ask, you don't get. Bye. Tube can't read your mind, you know. Bye. That's great. You know, who needs those websites this month? We got our library cards. We're watching movies. We're going to talk about cruel intentions.

But before we do, we should let you know this movie features sexual assault. So if that's not something you want to hear us talk about, we're going to play some music and give you a chance to find another episode. Hey, we're back. It's free with ads. It's Jew Library, and we're talking about cruel intentions, the 90s erotic thriller, featuring everyone from the 90s. Had anybody seen this going into the record? I had.

I saw it in high school. What was it, 99 when it came out? I think so. So I was in ninth grade, and I definitely saw it in theaters. Yep. And it's very weird because I, my experience in seeing it was that it was not shocking to me whatsoever. I am now an adult who saw it and I would yell at me if I was my dad. Yeah.

Like this is one of those movies that like I figured at the very least Jordan you hadn't seen or at least in theaters because, you know, it seemed like maybe. I mean, I don't know. I guess you're a little bit older than me. Maybe your parents didn't have that kind of control over what movies you went to at this point in your life. You tell me, but it seemed like a movie that a, you know, Christian family would not want their kids to go see. And now I wish I'd come from a Christian family. Yeah, I had seen this in theaters. This was, you know, obviously, I was very excited about this because, uh, girl and girl kiss. Buffy was going to kiss in the movie. Yes. So I was excited to see this. And yeah, and I think, you know, my parents, despite the Christianity, were pretty permissive of stuff.

Didn't like Beavis and Buthead, didn't like peewee. Yeah. Weird. But, you know, they let us run around. I feel like I was pretty lucky. I didn't, you know, I got to see stuff, including this. And I think this was part of that thing that happened in teen movies when we were kids, where it's like, well, it's based on a work of classic literature.

I don't think anyone knew that. See, I didn't know that. You could tell your mom, dangerous liaisons, I think this is based on a book I know nothing about and have not read. And a play, Les liaisons de Jules.

I saw the play. Oh, yeah, okay. And yeah, I think that the fucked up shit they were doing in this movie makes sense, like, what, 150 years ago, like maybe, but like in the 90s, it's like, oh my God.

Is there a girl and girl kiss in the play? No. Oh, that's too bad. Did it win an MTV? music award for best kiss. I do remember this being a huge deal. And then Sarah Michelle Geller and Selma Blair kissed on stage when they got the award. It was a huge deal.

Yeah, no, I remember, you know, it was, yeah, it was like this big, salacious, shocking thing. Well, honestly, it was one of the hottest on-screen kisses I've ever seen. And that's because... It's a very good kiss. Well, because a lot of kissing in movies now are dry and bad. I haven't seen a good movie kiss in a long time. And I mean, Ryan Felipe, those lips did good too. He's made for kissing.

These lips are made for kissing. And that's just what they'll do. These days, these lips are going to smooch all over you. I will say, watching Ryan Felipe in this movie, it brought back memories of a time in which actors only, had to be hot. Yeah. You know?

That's not to say he hasn't maybe improved as an actor, but man, I was watching this going, this is indistinguishable from Hayden Christensen's Anakin Skywalker. It's wild.

In fact, I have a scene that I want to play for everyone. It's one of the big climaxes of the movie. There's something I have to tell you. Tell me. This isn't working out for me anymore.

What's wrong? I'd much rather dream about Padman. Why are you doing this? I don't like Sam. You're such a cat, Lord. Look at yourself. You're shaking. Excuse me.

I'm in charge of security here, my lady. Is that what you came to tell me? I will be the most powerful Jedi ever. Yeah, you're completely fucked up. I've just learned a terrible truth. I think Chancellor Papatine is a Sith lord. Get out! Don't fucking touch me, Sebastian!

No! I'm just saying Oh, this is where the fun begins This is where the fun begins I mean truly They both have the same kind of Like voice Yeah, it's like the lips are doing a lot

But it's also It's like what if a baby did a low voice Both of them Yeah It felt like Do you guys remember the movie Like Rules of Attraction? Yes

Brins a bell Yeah It's about the brother of, you know, Bateman from American Psycho. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like, there's like an American Psychoverse. Yes, the author also, like, wrote this book, Rules of Attraction that's about what's the, Bateman, what's the Patrick Bateman's brother, like, who is also kind of a psycho, like,

and him in college just be, and it's James Vanderbeek, and I just kept going, if James Vanderbeek had been in this movie, it would have been 10 times better. Like, you would have. Because he was, you know, it's like he had a little bit more to it. Maybe it's, I can't tell if it's an accent problem. Like if I'm just not able to detect a regional California guy. But like both of them, there's something about the way their mouths work that only exists in the 90s. I don't think people talk like this anymore.

90s mouth. Yeah, 90s California mouth. And it is, and beyond that also, it is one. one of the most evil protagonists in a kids movie. And somehow we're like supposed to sympathize with him at the end. Yeah, at the end of this movie, he's kind of a hero question mark. Yeah. Because for once he's not evil, I guess.

Because he's dead. Spoilers, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Spoiler alert for those who haven't seen cruel intentions. Cruel intentions. Well, yeah, let's talk about what actually. happens in this store. We open on a cool-ass classic car driving around New York City. Hey, New York City's kind of like another character in the movie. Oh, God. This is driven by Ryan Philippi. He's going to

his therapist wearing a, wearing an Obama pantsuit. Swozy Kurtz. Yeah. The casting in this movie is very fun. Oh, very good. Yes. So yeah, and yeah, I'm just, I'm here, I'll say it. Now, it's nice to see a man who goes to therapy, isn't it? Yeah. Men will literally fuck their steps as a room before they go to there. The other thing is it's...

Men will literally. We've also proven that even when men go to therapy, it's not working. They're being abusive pieces of shit. Yeah. Yeah, it is wild. That's how the movie starts.

So he's like hitting on his therapist. He says he loves her legs and he wants to photograph them, gives her weird hug. And we learned that her daughter, Tara Reed, because anybody from the 90s is in this. Tara Reid little cameo, her daughter got broken up with

and someone put her pictures on the internet, which I'm sure was a very hip reference at the time. Well, I mean, I guess this was kind of shocking to me because I was like, was this already a problem? Was revenge porn already in issue in 99? I mean, it wasn't probably as widespread because, you know, there wasn't like social media. And if your mom was on the phone, you couldn't post revenge porn.

Right. If you're right, you're 56K motive made revenge porn a lot harder. But if you were like someone who knew how to make a website at the time, like if you learn how to program HTML, you could be someone who made one of these websites. Or if you're friends with somebody you could do it because I didn't see Ryan Felipe's lips doing any typing. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. You're just making out with the keyboard. Oh, you have beautiful keys. I'll look to photograph them. But yeah, he makes revenge porn. And not only is it like naked photos of her, but it's also audio in the background going, you know, look at this slut or whatever.

It is. Okay. So revenge porn, no laughing matter. Of course. The thing that Ryan Philippi makes is her head on her mom's book cover and it's waggling back and forth while going like, I'm a slut. It looks like a jib jab. It does look like a jib jab. Oh my God.

She's saying, I'm a slut, but I just hear John Kerry going, this land will surely vote for me. Which has 16 billion views for some reason. I think jib jab is the first AI, isn't it? It might be. Or the first deep fake is jib jibs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This lad will surely vote for me. John Kerry's like, that's not me.

Does jib jib jabs still exist? Probably. Gotta. I probably got bought by Midas touch or some lame-ass fucking. Nah, it's U-Porn. You porn has J-Jip-Jet. It's still up and you can still send an e- greeting card. Yay!

And one featuring Wump, there it is. Cool. Boy. MC Hammer, you can't touch this. So, yeah. A lot of fun stuff. Is he dead? MC Hammer, I don't think so.

He's still around. Got to be. So he just sold that song to Jib Jibb. I think so, yeah. Because he could. Like his estate didn't do it. I'm sure he did. Good for him.

Anyway, so yeah, it turns out Philippi's the one who put her photos on the jib jab. I don't know how, whatever. But so he kind of, he like just meets a random woman in the lobby and starts holding her hand and they run away together because he's a pussy guy.

Because he's really hot and he loves the pussy. And so he meets his step-sister, played by Sarah Michelle Geller. she is like mentoring oh gosh what's the action it's Selma Blair Selma Blair there we go

Selma Blair her mom is Christine Branski so again I heard her voice and I heard it before I even saw it I went is it Christine Berransky yes So excited to see her and so weirded out

by Selma Blair's performance Oh boy Yeah that was so much weirder than I remember it Why is she like a little girl? It's like when someone in improv has to play a kid. They're like, mommy, mommy. And it's this, yeah, it is fucking weird.

Gross. Always love her in things. Yeah, hey, this is totally weird. And just because everybody else, it's one of those things. Like, you know, everybody's old. They're all the oldest teen. They're supposed to be in high school. We know they're adults, but she's just acting like a little kid.

And it just, it makes it, it's gross. It's really gross. And it's like she's the same age as Sarah Michelle Geller, we assume. And so it's like someone dressed up in a little cartoon t-shirt and then Sarah Michelle Geller is wearing a 45-year-old woman's power suit. Right. Yeah, she's wearing like what Paula Poundstone did, did her HBO special in. When she was doing the Pop-Tarts joke. Right.

Yeah. It is so strange. Comic Relief featuring Paula Poundstone. And it really, it works, I think, only, like, as a high school kid, I found nothing wrong with it. Because in my mind, I'm going, oh, it's the character is, what if, what if there was a stupid idiot girl? And I think it's like, as an adult, I'm watching this and I'm going, like, looking back at sort of the in-cell version of me, which, you know, there's part of me that believes that every ninth-grader is an in-cell at heart, every ninth-grade boy. But it's like This isn't written by a ninth grader

It's written by presumably an adult So I'm just much more weirded out By the choice to make her so infantilized It's really weird guys Especially because she looks like she's like It's not even like a preteen girl It's like a grown ass woman That has had a mammogram

Yeah Yeah Yeah She has always looked mature and sophisticated. Like it's, it is just like she is in an improv scene and someone's like, come here, honey. And she's just doing a little kid. Go-Goo-Gaga.

Go-Gy-Gagga. So anyway, so Sarah Michelle Geller is like mentoring her because she's like a popular kid at school. And, you know, she's just going to like fuck with her because her and her brother, they just fuck with everybody. Which she's supposed, this is the summer, so they're not in school yet. Right. But Sarah Michelle Geller just talks about how everyone loves her.

And I'm like, I have seen nothing about why somebody would love this girl who is dressed like she's going to like Calvin Klein funeral or something. Right. Like it's just, it makes no sense. Also, I've seen no evidence of it because she's never hanging out with friends. No, never. And yeah, she's just just just being horny toward Ryan Philippi and fucking with people and being really mean. She just goes to the park one time and it has like a huge hat and sunglasses on and then she's indoors next to the finest mahogany like furniture and like having weird sex with everyone and you're like that's a vampire. That is a vampire. That's a good point. That I mean, I wonder if that got cut out of the movie.

Yeah. That would be cool. I mean, that makes this movie make a little bit more sense. It sure does. So yeah, she. The cross is filled with cocaine. Oh, yeah, that's right. And she has a, she does cocaine out of it.

a cross, which will turn out to be her undoing. That's right. Which was very cool. I was like, I wonder if I could put lip gloss in a cross and then I went. You could. Yeah, I bet I could. It would have to be the cocaine cross. I have to repurpose a cocaine cross.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, Flim chips. Flem Ships, 2027. Cucane crosses. Check out Emily's Etsy shop. Yeah. So, yeah, so she and Philippe are like very horny for each other. Their step siblings are flitting really hard.

And yes, Matt, you mentioned this movie clearly written by an adult screenwriter. Yeah. And one of the reasons you know this is because the Sarah Michelle Geller character, a teen girl, makes a Star Trek joke. You know that I mean, hey, she goes like, oh, I'll just call you Captain Picard, because you're going to boldly go. And she knows the guy's name.

Crazy. Anyway. Yeah. Look, just do a little bit of research as to what a kid this age would actually be into, not fucking Star Trek. Yeah. Fucking 50-year-old Fedora guy who wrote this. You'd think that Buckie, the.

vampire. Is that his name? Yeah. His name is Roger Cumble. No. With a cave? Yes. Sit down.

Be Cumble. Sorry. Well, it's like weird because it's Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If anyone knows what's cool, it's her. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Anyway, so whatever.

So they are reading some sort of teen magazine and there's a really an article in there that gets them all. steamed. It's from some girl who's staying with their aunt and she's writing about like saving yourself for marriage. Wait, wait. Did you guys

see who the aunt was? No, who was it? I kind of, they I recognize the aunt. Again, fun casting. She's the villain from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Oh, shit. That's funny. Nurse Ratchet. Yeah, Nurse Ratchet. I was like, this voice

and these steely eyes, I'm like, like I know who this is. And I looked it up and I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? Academy Award winning. That's funny. That's wild. Yeah. So yeah, she, the, the, the girl who wrote this article is staying with their aunt and they make a little bet.

Ryan Philippi will deflower this annoying virgin. And if he doesn't do it, he's going to give Sarah Michelle Geller his car. And if he does do it, she will have sex with him and let him. him put it anywhere. So just from a screenwriting point of view, the McGuffin in this is anal sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Sure is. That's the magic suitcase and pulp fiction. Yeah. The crazy thing about it is it wasn't until later in life that like when she goes, I'll let you put it anywhere. Where as an adult I'm just like, just say anal then.

Yeah. Well. What is your ear? Just say you can put it in my butt. I guess it's like, you know, it's not as poetic as the movie wants to be. But just say it. There's other holes. You know what? Is there?

That you're right, Emily, there are other holes. I mean, I know that. Some people don't know that women have three holes. Some people don't know that. They think that you just pee out of the vagina hole. That's true. That is not true. There's a hole and another hole and another hole, guys.

There's too many holes. though. I agree. Remember kids, women have a lot of holes. Yeah. Bye. And they won't tell you which one to use. You can put it wherever you want in my pee hole.

Ouch. Punch me in the face or I can't come. Orko. Orco. Why don't you keep inviting him? Orco. I'm lonely. Bye.

So they kind of just start like fucking with everybody in their, like, social circle. Like they have this bet about her, but then they just mess with everybody else. There is a football player who dumped Sarah Michelle Geller. That's right. And he,

and Ryan Philippe says it's because he fingered someone's girlfriend. Hey, is this the first time we've actually had a fingering story in the movie? Oh my God. Fing story.

There you go. Which, this movie is connected to the fingering story because really so Reese Witherspoon was around this time like in that movie fear where she gets fingered on a roller coaster and so we have to watch that because I was kind of like surprised that Reese Witherspoon was in this because I went oh isn't she kind of this wholesome blah blah and I went oh yeah she got fingered on a roller coaster in fear that's right okay she's yeah whatever she can do this movie yeah yeah yeah yeah no that's right there's fingering in this yeah I think she maybe got kind of wholesome rom-com kind of after this this maybe that kind of became her brand a little bit. So she got like this part because Ryan Philippi was cast first, if you could believe it. And he was hot.

He was hot. He was dating Reese Witherspoon at the time. Oh. Interesting. Yeah. And then they were married and they had two kids. I know. I know.

But they met before the movie. I always thought they fell in love on set during this movie, but that is not true. So he convinced her to be in the movie. So like, and he talked. about how having the fight scene was he didn't like it. It bummed him out. Having a fight scene with his real girlfriend in the middle. Yeah, I know.

Especially because he kept talking about, you know, Senator Palpatine and shit. That was weird. Shut up. What are you talking about? Also, she had a great year that year. This is 99. She also election came out.

Oh, shit. Yeah. So she was already just crushing it. What a year. Yeah. Good old Reese. Don't get, women shouldn't get lost behind by AI. Bye.

Oh, Reese. You stupid bitch. Oh, why do you have bad takes now? What are you doing? Yeah. Hey, yeah, yeah. Hey, we all love your book club. We all love the book club.

Don't we all love Reese's book club? Yeah, but you don't like books. You know, she went to my rival high school. Oh. She went to Harpeth Hall, and that's an all girls private school, and I went to Father Ryan High School. and that you know those girls are all very nice

except for her I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm just like my rivalry we were right Father Ryan for the win man hell yeah keep that rivalry going so so the again they're just like fucking with everybody and it's kind of unrelated to the bet

with Reese but yeah so so Selma Blair is getting erotic cello lessons from this guy who is leaving her love letters so they to fuck with her tell her mom Christine Bransky about it

who's racist and she doesn't like that the cello teacher is black so she like breaks them up I'm not exactly sure why they do this So wait is Selma Blair the girl that got fingered? No so I think what happened The thing with the football player

which doesn't really go anywhere is that he's gay and he's sleeping with Joshua Jackson again everybody from the 90s in this movie and so the fingering thing was a lie or something. Okay. So he's trying to keep his gayness private. And so then they rope the football player into like stuff with Reese.

And it's more revenge because he thinks that Reese Witherspoon was told of Ryan's plans. I don't know any of the character's names. Yeah, just call them by their actor names, I guess. So he is trying to figure out who told Reese Witherspoon that I was just going to use her just as conquest. And so he assumes as a football player and he blackmails him. It turns out it wasn't him. Turns out it was someone else completely unrelated? Like who did it?

Oh, I think you remember. If it's somebody, I think it was the aunt. I think it was actually the aunt who was like bad-mouthing him. Right. Which doesn't You enter into the plot at all. It doesn't enter at all into the plot. I was trying to put it together.

What happened? Was it Sarah Michelle Geller? I'm pretty sure it was Sarah Michelle Geller. I mean, that's kind of what I is. I guess I just decided that's what it was. Yeah, I mean, either way, it doesn't matter. It just serves one purpose, which is to blackmail a not yet outed gay man, which makes you feel weird.

You're like, oh, God, this guy's kind of a piece of shit. Like, what is this movie? Why did I think he was the good guy? Yeah, and it's one of those things where I think the movie would probably say, or whoever made the movie would say that like, oh, this is a like satire of how like rich people fuck with everybody for fun and they don't care. And it's like, you know, it's a white lotus or something like that. Okay. Yeah. But like it doesn't seem to be saying anything about it other than it happens.

It just seems to be saying like pretty fucked up what they did, huh? And I'm like, it is fucked up. little, huh? But also kind of cool and the soundtrack's kind of awesome. Yeah, that's a feeling I got. It's like every time someone talks shit about a Scorsese movie, I'm like, I don't know, watch cruel intentions. That's really them glorifying a cool, evil person. You know what I mean? So, yeah. So he starts, he starts sleeping with Selma Blair in a very weird way where he does stuff that she says no to and then but she likes it anyway. And we got a lot of bad messages about this stuff as kids. And, The 90s was pretty fucked up. 90s really was fucked up. Pretty fucked up. You guys.

But we had a great blur song on the soundtrack. The soundtrack, this movie soundtrack is amazing. Yeah. Placebo, I love placebo. Like, I was so stoked to hear that song. The verve. The verve, dude. Oh, I, somebody in my dorm room blasted Bitter Sweet Symphony fucking constantly.

And I just cannot listen to that. song anymore. Wow, that's so sad. You know, just I had a bad, I had a bad year with it. Maybe it's a good song. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, that's me. That's me and Uncle Cracker. Oh, I can't listen to that. Follow me. It's just like, I worked at McDonald's and that was on loop at the McDonald's. Oh, wow. I think that that's crazy. Yeah, so it just like ruined that song, that really good song for me. Dang. I'll be the one and make you some french fries And if you

Want some cheese On this burger Please you can't buy it For 3993 Anyways That's amazing That's really good Man I think Uncle Cracker and Jason

Razz and the Baja men Should just get together And kill themselves They kill himself Just a horrible Just a big tour And at the end The stage explodes

And no one can ever chill out again. Oh, man. By the way, the cellist, the cello teacher, whatever, he's from Save the Last Dance. Oh, yeah. I was trying to think I was like, how do I know this kid? I knew immediately. I was like, oh my God, we have to watch Save the Last

Dance. Yeah, he's great in that. He is great. Oh, he's, yeah, he's pretty great. So, yeah, so, you know, they're just fucking with everybody and then, but also, Ryan Philippe is trying to get closer to Reese Witherspoon, and he's just a dick to her immediately, but he gets

like an engraved bag and she like she loves the bag but then he's just mean to her they go to like an old folks home and he like acts like a dick to all the old folks but then like on the drive back in his fucking cool ass car she's into him uh for some reason no fucking reason yeah they like i mean i think like if if you want this character to be sinister and interesting have him be charming sometimes Have some scenes where he's nice. The only thing he does is give her that bag and it's like... Have him engineer a scenario in which he looks like a good guy. Like how to lie be in there.

Because at this point, from the beginning of this relationship, she is already onto him. Yeah. And then she's just not. And then she's just not. She's like, I know who you are. Is the bag that nice? It can't be that good of a bag. It's like, come on.

At least do a flash mob. Yeah. Just do a little flash mob. Yes. Save her life, you know? Save a child's life. Yeah. If there's a thing where he like paid off an old person in the old folks home to like say he was a good guy.

You know, I have him do. But he's just like acting like a day. It's, yeah, it's very frustrating. It's so weird. It just, she for no reason is just like, huh, I like him. It's like, but you know that he's bad. I know. And their parents, we never see their parents.

No, no parents. Where are the parents? They're just in this, like, fucking mansion. It's like Versailles or something at this house. And the whole time you're like, there's just a bed in every room too. If you look like in the next room to where the scenes going on, there will just be a bed.

Yeah, there's lots of beds. Yeah, there's definitely some like eyes wide shut sex cult things going on in that house. Got to be. Like for sure. So yeah, they, you know, so they're like in. love now, Reese Witherspoon, like, decides she's going to have sex with him. Oh, because he, so she says she's not going to do it and then he calls her a hypocrite and then she's horny as hell. Loves being called a hypocrite. And then she decides she's going to do it with him and then he can't do it because he's in love.

He can't do it. And he looks himself in the mirror and he looks. Yes. You're such a close. And then he takes those big lips and sucks his own cock. I thought I had this rip removed. Yeah, he could like big mouth Billy Bass that thing, stretch it, stretch it on down and slurp that dick up. Take me to the river. Yeah, drop me up the water. Big wheels keep on turning.

Brown Mary keep on burning. Don't worry. We have been... Bye. Bye. Goodbye. I'm going to do that so much now, you guys. We got a fuck.

So she, yeah, can we, can orco just be there for when things get too spicy? I think we have orco. We'll have to have it, yeah. Anyway, so he, so she, like, goes to the train station to leave, but then he's there, and that just does it, and they kiss, and there's a little sex scene. You don't really see anything. It's just a lot of, like, sweaty shoulders. Honestly, I thought it was a pretty hot sex scene.

It is. They, I mean, you know, they are both hot, and it, you know. Yeah, the cleavage was good. I felt the kissing is really hot. Except for one of the worst goddamn 90s songs in the world. It's, I assume it's fucking, what's the name of that band? Assy stars. No, it's like counting crows is some shit.

And it's a guy going, I am Roddy. I am Roddy. Dude, that song sucks. And that one of the lyrics is, I am covered in skin. What fuck do you want from me? me. So we're all humans. Well, yeah. Like, what do you want from me with this lyric? I don't know what you want. Oh, God, that song, I just listening to the needle drops in this. Okay, maybe the soundtrack isn't good. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Just there's something about this. We're like that blur song, though.

The blur song is good. Placivo. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, there's a couple of highs and lows on the sound. Yes, there's a couple of needles that are two 90s for me to handle. Good Amy Mann song on here. Oh, that's right. That's true. There was a good Amy Mann song. Man, Amy, man, she had pretty good. Was this right after Magnolia? Which I've never seen. She had a really good 99. Never seen Magnolia, you guys.

Oh my God. Really? I know. I've heard it's one of the greatest movies of all time, and I haven't seen it. Well, I don't want to... Put it on the list. Okay, but I don't want to say

it's one of the greatest movies of all time. I don't want you to get that impression. Well, it got a bunch of, like, nominations. It did. I don't think it's one of the greatest movies of all time. It is one of the greatest acting clinics of all time. Oh, okay. The acting in it is so...

beautiful and good. I think you'd like it. But anyways. So, I don't know, what's happening in this thing? And then so,

so, they fuck. They fuck. But then Sarah Michelle Geller is there. She's banging the cello guy. She, like,

hides in this little, like, drawer under her bed. And he's got a little, like, what's the thing where you, what's the little feather you tickle someone's butt with?

There's like a French tickler. French tickler. That's right. He's got a little French tickler and he's like holding it when he, he's like, in a little drawer under her bed.

Yeah, and he pulls him out and he's just got his little feather thing. And I got to say, this is another thing where it's like, did an adult write this? Because I don't know if you guys have ever like had a feather. You can't, it doesn't do anything. Have you ever had a feather? Have you ever tried to sexually use a feather? No, I have not. No, I guess I haven't.

I just used my dick, dude. Yeah. Oh, dude. I use my dick. Get that gluck gluck. Five thousand. I got bird flu in this dick Get ready, Orko

I'll bring it all three of my holes to the barbecue Birds are better because they got a cloaca That's one hole No, but you can't really feel it doesn't tickle It doesn't tickle. It's like edible underwear You know, it's like at some point you're like All right and then you eat it and you're like This is disgusting. Why don't they just make it out of?

I want to talk to one person that used the edible edible underwear to like eat someone out like i did you did yeah it's terrible oh okay i thought you said you just ate it like you just ate it like a candy you thought i went like it got a fruit roll up yes that's what i thought you said no it's in the movies with you i was like you put it in the popcorn so it gets a little salty yeah it just i tried it and it wasn't great it's it's terrible there's a lot of things that you get at spencer's gifts you think are going to be fun sex things it turns out they're just The only person I know who has actually used edible underwear. That kind of blows my mind.

I didn't put them on. I took them on. You did stuff with it. That's what I'm saying. All right. So we're almost at the totally, we're almost at the totally nonsensical ending of this baffling movie. We're going to take a little break and talk about it when we come back.

We're back. It's free with ads. We are talking about cruel intentions. So Sarah Michelle. Geller like dresses down Ryan Philippi like convinces him he's a piece of shit so he goes and breaks up with Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, because it would ruin his reputation

to be in a loving committed relationship. I didn't get this at all. Because his reputation before this is what? An asshole. A rapist? Like his entire reputation so far seems to be if I'm not mistaken, doing revenge. Porn on

Ter Reid. But that is the reputation. So he wants to continue seeming like a monster. He doesn't want to be seen as a good person. Whereas. Crazy. Yeah.

Sarah Michelle Geller. Maybe the commentary is that when you like hate yourself that much, you like don't want to be happy. So you keep self-savitaging. Yeah. But you really have to only give a shit about Ryan Felipe in order for you to feel anything. Because I'm like, so far, I've seen him do revenge porn,

seen him get an infantilized, you know, a high school girl drunk so that he could go down on her while she says no. I've seen him openly talking about, you know, finger-banging other people's girlfriend. Like, he's just a monster. He's a monster. And then Sarah Michelle Geller is like, if you start having, you know, love,

then everyone's going to think you're gay. and it's like, what the fuck is this movie? By the way, the amount of times that they use the F slur in this movie, it's like, it's gratuitous. Like at first I was like, well, you know, it was 90s, maybe it was kind of the thing. After a while, I'm like, guys, this, it's lost all its punch. You all sound like Elon Musk trying to bring the R word back. You know what I mean? Well, it felt a little bit like, okay, the precursor to succession or something.

It's kind of fast-talky. Like, I don't know. It feels like it's trying to be something that it is not intelligent enough. That's what the movie thinks it is. They sure do. Yeah. And yeah, I think there's a way, because Succession is a great example of like those people are assholes.

But like it, it thinks about what makes them tick. It's funny. It like is commenting on them. But yeah. It is not sexy. Yeah. So anyway. So.

God, it's okay. So he decides that he does love Reese Witherspoon and to prove it to her, he brings her his journal. He has a leather-bound journal that he keeps all of his shithead notes in. God. And there's like a collage.

It's such a big journal, too. It's a huge journal. He's so annoying. He's such a twat. Tiny car, big journal. Yeah. I can drive in the carpool lane when my journal's on the other seat

Because it's as big as a person. It's so lame, too, because the journal is just, like, big picture of Sarah Michelle Geller and then a magazine cut out that says, I'm a bitch. Oh, and then it also says drug problem. Yeah, and then my love. She's got a drug problem. It's the burn book from mean girls. Yeah, right.

Except for it's mostly pictures of Sarah Michelle Geller. And anyways, it's very strange. It gets used at the end in a way that is totally incomprehensible, but we'll get there. Yeah. So she, okay, so Sarah Michelle Geller is mad that he runs back to Reese Witherspoon. So she tells cello guy that Ryan Philippi hit her. So he goes out to beat him up as Reese Witherspoon is. Hold on, but this is, you skip the very important thing, which is Sarah Michelle Geller,

after he she gets Ryan Felipe to be like I don't even love you I just used you and they have this big blow up she then goes ha ha ha I won

because you found love and you threw it all away ha ha ha I'm bad and then he runs to go get her back and then she's like oh no I must stop him and all I could think was

you didn't have to do the ha ha ha I made you give up on love thing if it's it's just it would to me I was just like and now we've made a character that's just like the devil and it's it was too one dimensional for me I was like she's obsessed with him like it's it's like and she can't hide it anymore like she had him under her fucking thumb forever and now she does it and she's such a psychotic spoiled bitch that she's like gonna ruin everyone's life just to control him again. Yeah, I know, but like, be good at controlling him. Don't

brag about the I made you give up on love thing. She's a 16 year old in a corset. Like, good boy. She doesn't know. There's no oxygen getting to the brain. Yeah, that's true. That's a very good point. So she, so

he, while Reese Witherspoon watches, he and the cello teacher have a fight in the middle of the street and he, Reese Wetherspoon almost gets it by a car, but he jumps in front of it and saves her. And the worst character and the history of fiction is dead.

Oh, no. And, like, can I just say, he didn't look like he got hit that hard. I know. He didn't. Yeah, he seemed like he would be fine. He could have gotten a pretty good settlement

from somebody driving an Uber. Yeah, I thought he was going to be okay the first time I saw it. And then they, like, cut to, I love a smash cut to funeral. Is the very funny thing to do in this movie of all movies. Totally.

But, like, yeah, I was like, Damn, he kind of was a pussy at the whole time. Yeah, that's a pussy ass getting hit by a car. I mean, come on, dude. Do you ever see Meet Joe Black? At least like, you know, Brad Pitt got hit a couple times.

Or kind of just turn the camera away and just have the screeching sound and shoes thrown in the air or stuff. Don't show him getting hit because he looked like he was like, oh. You know what I mean? Do we have the car sting? Do we got the car sting we could play?

Oh, my God, Jordan. You're right. We have to play it. Person and the road. who the driver doesn't see and he accidentally gets hit by a car So he's dead

They go to his funeral And Sarah Michelle Geller is giving The like eulogy And then all the kids start leaving Bitter Sweet Symphony starts playing And Reese Wetherspoon had made copies of the journal That I guess prove that he's good

And Sarah Michelle Geller is bad And the kids have apparently Already read it They've read it and they've made up their minds. So she is shunned and then someone finds her Coke necklace and then you get a little shot of Reese Witherspoon driving the car because she got the car somehow. That's right. He made his revenge.

He made a will like right before he got hit by a car. Really quick. He made the will. It's the ultimate like revenge fantasy. Like what if, you know, the evil lady, the evil girl at school got found out by. a journal that said she was bad. I mean, that would be pretty exciting. That would be pretty exciting.

If I were in high school and that happened, I'd be like, oh, my God, this is the best day of my life. If I was in high school and there was a funeral and someone was like, read this dead kid's diary. And the dead kid's diary was just pictures of his step sister going like, bitch, I love her. Drug problem. Drug problem.

I would be like, oh, he's weird. I'm glad he's dead. it's good that some people die but somehow it's like an indictment of her I guess maybe she's the reason why he's dead so she like manipulated them to get into a fight and then

you know it was an accident but but do you think he wrote the part where he was like oh man then she told me that she did it just to control me I guess we're supposed to assume that I don't know guys it's pretty thin

yeah it's just you know it's revenge because she's crying and everyone's going, mm-mm-mm-mm. Yeah. The whole, like, the last five minutes of the movie are slow motion people tis-tisking. No, no, no. That's us the audience to her saying, no, no, no, you shouldn't have done that. Evil sluts get their come-upins. Well, still waiting on that. Isn't that right, Oracle?

TikTok universe. All the swats get their come-up-ins. Okay, Orco. Bye. The thing, this is what girl's outfit. wasn't sexy enough. Okay. I'm going to tell you this one thing that was driving me nuts.

Okay. Okay. The whole movie, Sarah Michelle Geller, is wearing, like, designer funeral clothing. Yeah. And then at the funeral, she's wearing her little schoolgirl outfit. And I'm like, this is... Yeah, what are we doing? Are you trying to kill me?

Like, are you trying to make me crazy? You have a special occasion. Do it. Jesus. Yeah. Instead, you're wearing a school girl out. but come on. The whole school's at the funeral.

Why are they doing the funeral at school? I know. And she's speaking at, she's doing a eulogy and she's like, as the student body president, I'm like, not as the stepsister of the dead? She didn't even seem nice in the speech. I was like, why is she the most popular girl? I'm so confused. Nobody is so clear.

No one likes her. She seems so scary and bad. I don't know And then she did cocaine before giving a eulogy Could you imagine giving a eulogy fucked up on cocaine? Yeah, that'd be kind of fun though

I don't know High stakes That's the end of the movie We're gonna tell you what we thought about it But first we're gonna do The Hunk Watch It's Hunk Watch Christi Branski

Yeah, Christi Baranke right? Shortest Hunk Watch ever She's so great And so hot Emily, any other thoughts on the hunks of this film? Oh, it's Sarah Michelle Geller for me. She's crazy hot. She is so intimidating and I mean, the outfits are handsome.

Yes. And I will say, I think she's the only one who is acting correct. Yes, yes. And she knows that this is camp. Yes. And that she has to go big and she's doing a character. Philippi, I mean, Reese Sviansp's like just a good actor. fun to watch, but like...

She didn't have much to do. No, she sure did. But people being serious and taking this seriously, it's wrong. This is, this, if there is, this has any value as anything, it's camp and you have to be big. Yes. Right. And she gets, like, she gets it.

She's the only one who gets it. Or of the main, like, principal actors. Well, there's some other people who kind of. Well, then Selma Blair doesn't get it in the opposite direction. Yeah. I don't know what she's... It's like over the top porn. camp and you're like, no, too campy, too much.

And maybe this is just me liking Selma Blair a lot. I feel like I blame the directing. Like, though I'm making her do that and dressing her like that, it's like that, I don't know. I'm with you there. I blame Mr. Cumbull. Mr. Cumball, tear down this wall. Tell us all this wall, this cum wall. This cum wall.

Yeah, but it is. Cumwall you gave us all the clues By the way Roger I love what you do a snowman reference This guy Like that meme right Yeah everyone Everyone loves the good

The Snowman reference Roger Cumball Other movies include Cruel intentions, cruel intentions too The Sweetest Thing And then he's Kind of has a small falloff period but he's doing these like

Amazon Prime like originals now one is called Love Me Love Me with a couple of hot teens teen dudes and a hot teen girl and I just

at some point I just want to be like get him away Yeah Keep the kids away from Cumble Yeah exactly Keep him away from Cumble I don't trust Cumble Honestly that's a better name for a movie

Keep the kids away from Cumble Yeah That is a Netflix doc I'll watch Yeah Listen it's eight parts It should be 90 minutes, but... All right, well, yeah, those are the hunks of cruel intentions.

We're going to rank the movie when we come back. Hey, we're back. It's free with ads. We're going to rank cruel intentions. But first, we want to tell you about our bonus episodes. We like shows. So, we like shows. You go to maximum fun.org slash join. You join up.

You get to hear our bonus stuff. The show keeps coming. wins. This month's bonus episode is on Spider-Noire, the Nicholas Cage Spider-Man show where he's a hard-boiled detective. We had a very interesting debate during our episode. Matt and I think Nicholas Cage is doing a voice. Emily thinks that's just what he sounds like. Yeah. Where do you come down on the argument? Listener. Yeah. Maximumfunn.org slash join. That's how you hear. We like shows. Okay, let's rank this movie on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. Emily, you want to go first? Oh, God, I hated this movie very much. I'm so surprised, too, because it was

like the coolest movie at the time. And I'm like, God, this is a nightmare. I was so glad when it was over. I'm going to give it a one. That's fine. Fair. Totally fair. Yeah. Matt, any thoughts? Yeah, I'm not going to give it a one. But re-watching it, I did feel, I just kept thinking about, like, getting older and how I'm, like, of the age. And I'm a dad. I'm just, like, watching this movie. And I'm just like, I don't want my daughter to grow up in this world.

Every copy of this movie should be burned, except for one that should. should go into the Smithsonian just to be like, this is what the 90s were like. You have to get permission from the FBI to watch it? Yes, you do, exactly. So I'm going to give it a two. It is a movie that has two things going for it. One, Christine Bransky's in it.

Two, it is a time capsule that's just entertaining enough to, you know, keep your attention, but not, is worse than porn. Uh, yeah, I think time capsule is a good way to describe this. You can remember the 90s a lot watching this movie. But while we were talking about this, we all named five or six better movies. Yes. Have these actors where you can get some of these good vibes. So yeah, I think, yes, uh, time capsule is sure. And I think it does have a little bit of camp value. Like I could see there being like a midnight UCB show where people like act this out using. like sketch characters and maybe that's like kind of fun but the movie itself is is so bad it has aged so poorly so yeah i'm going to go ahead and and give it a one um watch watch at your own risk yeah hell yeah um okay uh let's do a little plug in anybody got anything flam jims i'm starting really has stuff up on a regular basis now if you want to check out my Etsy store Matt has it in the comments.

That's right. The show notes. That's right. Comments, show notes. It'll be there. You know what we're talking about. Yeah, God. If you are in the L.A. area on July 11th, that's a Saturday.

Please come to Pasadena, go to the Ice House, 8 p.m. Pasadena. Check out me doing some stand-up at a show called New World Disorder with my wife, Francesca, Purintini. All right. And I am going to be at San Diego Comic-Con this year, doing some panels, sign in some books. If you are going to be there, I would love to see you there. I am going to be doing the bulk of my stuff on Friday and Saturday. So follow me on social media to get all the whens and the wares. Orgo. Just go on the San Diego Comic-Con website. Search my name, all the panels and signings and things should come up. I hope to see some freebies. There. And of course, go to bit.l.L.Y. slash goo friends, that's how you pre-order the amazing Venom, the new Marvel series from me and artist Luke Ross. Or go to bit.L.Y. slash big dang fight. That's how you pre-order a signed copy of the Predator Bloodshed collection, also written by me. Okay. Tune in next week when our movie will be the 1949 Orson Welles classic, The Third Man. Maximum Fun.

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