Free With Ads - Santa Jaws

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

Ever seen Jaws? What if Jaws was Santa? What if Shark stole Christmas? All of these questions will be answered after we tell you about the TV movie Santa Jaws!Tune in next week when our movie will be... Unlikely Angel.-----Visit Emily's ETSY store FlemGems!Check out the MaxFun Gift Guide! https://gift-guide.maximumfun.org/Matt will be at The Ice House comedy club in Pasadena on December 13th!If you are in California, Jordan will be here on these dates!Wed Dec 3rd - Merced Public Library 5pm - 7pmSaturday Dec 6th - Thousand Oaks Public Library 2pm - 3pmGet a copy of Jordan Morris's comic book Predator: Black White and Blood #4!Also click this link to get a signed copy of something else Jordan made! https://bit.ly/coolfight

This is free with ads. podcast that asked the question, why pay Netflix 12 bucks a month for a bunch of family Christmas movies with no sharks when you could go online for free and watch a family Christmas movie with one shark? I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Santa Jaws, the sci-fi channel original movie that looked at the flat acting and awkward dialogue of Hallmark original movies and said, hold my eggnog. With us as always is the super producer, The He Freak, Matt Lee, pitting this with those jingle jangle drops. That is not a shark.

That is Santa Jons. That was the line delivery of the movie, wasn't it? There's a few. There's a few moments in this movie where they were like, I'm going to act now. Time for acting. But the lines, I mean, the puns, the bad millennial slash like.

Oh, my God. The hashtag everything. This is a rich text. It was insane. Here's the other part in which the acting, I thought, was great. Yeah, here we go. People are going to die if you do not give me. I don't care.

Oh, wow. What was the I don't care from? It was just you. No, no, it was the guy, the comic bookstore owner told him he didn't care. People die. He wants the pen. That's right. You don't understand that?

By the way, this movie has a magical pen in it, too. It does. She didn't watch it before listening to the podcast. By the way, Santa Jaws has a magic pen. It is somehow not the main plot of the movie. Yeah. And somehow it's still not as weird as the paintbrushes from peanut butter solution. Yeah, true, true.

I will say the paintbrushes, peanut butter solution beats this on the weirdness scale. It manages to be weirder than the movie about the Christmas show. shark yes it does so kudos to whatever monsters made that a legend uh well we are going to talk about santa jaws which is as of this recording streaming free with ads but first we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week so we're talking about christmas christmas specials um and it got me thinking about some clips that i have seen on the internet uh for a while now and i thought this was the perfect place to share that them. Were you two Ninja Turtles fans growing up? I know you were Power Ranger kids, but did

it, did it ever? Big Ninja Turtles guy. Yeah. You go first, Matt, because I was not. I was a big Ninja Turtle movies fan. I liked the live action stuff. And I loved April O'Neill, but these like turtle people were just not quite getting it for me. The turtle people. Right. Yeah. I mean to see a movie about April O'Neill and Casey Jones. Honestly, hockey guy. Yes, I did. They've got some pretty hot chemistry in that movie. In the first one, hell yes.

Yes. When I saw the first one, I was confused. I was like, oh, are they going to do the thing where like the turtle is a metaphor? It was like, I had just seen the pink panther and there was no panther. And I was, and so I was like, oh, is this what adults do? They take our cartoons and put humans in them. Fuck this. But then there were, of course, people in turtle costumes.

And I was like, okay, chill. It ruled. Totally ruled. No, I was a big Ninja Turtles fan. I loved the movies. I loved the video games. I loved the cartoon, the TV show. I was never a comic book person, but I did enjoy all the other stuff.

Well, we know that Jordan watched the cartoons because he had a crush on a lizard lady and a star. I forgot. My childhood, Hear Me Out, is Mona Lisa, the lizard mutant that Raphael fell in love with. And they fought robot pirate. I believe. I think they bought robot pirates. Why not? Yes, Mona Lisa,

a hear-me-out legend. But so, you know, Matt, you rattled off all this turtle stuff. And I think that, like, it cannot be overstated just how much turtle shit there was in the 90s. Like, yes.

And they had no, there was no continuity. There was the cartoon. There was the movies. There was the games. Nothing had anything to do with anything else. And there were also a series

of direct-to-VHS musical specials. Oh, my God. Where it was guys in suits, but different suits than the movies, much cheaper suits that were not designed by Jim Henson, but were designed by a maniac on bath salts. We're like no movement in the faces other than the mouths clacking up and down.

So there was these shitty versions of the turtles that sang in these VHS tapes. They're all pretty much lost media, but people have uploaded them to YouTube. and there was a Christmas special. We wish you a turtle Christmas. And the YouTube account, Hero FK, has uploaded a lot of clips. And so I wanted to play, Matt, we've got two time codes here.

These are two parts of a turtle Christmas song where they're trimming the tree and they're singing in reggae voices. It was a different time. It's a different time, everyone. So, yeah. Turtles in time. Turtles in time, yes, much like the turtles traveled back in time in the video game. We will travel back in time to an era where it was okay for a white actor to do a Jamaican voice. Here we go.

Here we go. How about hoping me sing my favorite Christmas song? Take the holes with pepperoni. Shit! Mustard eggplant and baloney. Why? Why? Santa Claus will bring his ring.

This is the Ninja Turtles singing this, by the way. I know you can't see this listener, but this is the Ninja Turtles. Can we play this other bit too where they mentioned the other characters from the show? Yeah, I just pointing out on this one real quick. He starts off with a cartoonish Brooklyn accent. That's okay. That's another thing about this. So in the cartoon that maybe was the thing we're most familiar with or that most people were,

they talked in the dude voice. They all talked in the dude voice But in this They all talk in the Brooklyn voice It's so fucking weird Look, I'm okay with that What I don't understand Is why they then sing in

Jamaican accents It's so crazy Just singing the Brooklyn guy voice Yes Here is the other The holes with pepperoni It works Jesus Christ

Why do you need to Why do you need to regify pepperoni when the weird thing is we've talked about this how they they're not even they say cowabunga and stuff but they live in new york and it's like i know insanely yeah i'm nothing about the turtles make sense i guess they're mutants so you just give them a pass i don't know here's here's the other part of the song christmas eve and all is ready la la la la la la la no no bop and no rock standing Wow

Let's all sing this part together No please don't sing it like that Merry Christmas to the shredder Wow Merry Christmas shredder That is incredible That's incredible You gotta love this era of merchandising

Because it was like as soon as you had something, it was like, okay, we're making the toy, okay, we're making the Christmas album, okay, we're going to, every holiday there is, we're going to make sure that we can fit turtles into it. Let's get the Halloween costumes. It was just like there was a time when capitalism was great. Well, do you guys remember when Adrian Brody did the Jamaican accent and were the like the dreads and the, this was like the, it was, I think, this is like that but a Christmas special. Yeah.

But it's just like, what that? Adrian Brody was not invited back on to S&L after that, like for a while, I believe. And he had just won an Academy Award for acting. And then he did that. He acted that. And as far as I know, the main reason wasn't the problematic nature of the character. The main reason was that he didn't tell anyone he was going to do it like that. Yeah, I bet.

Crazy. If you would have cleared the racist character with us first, that would have been fine. Yeah, exactly. I love him going and like, no, no, de Guine love this. I know that there had to be some cast members that knew he was going to do it. Oh, yeah. And just let him do it. Fucking Chris Catan.

Because I bet that, well, I bet. He's backstage yucking it up. Something about Adrian Brody tells me that people are like, just, you know, let him fall on his own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because remember when he won the Oscar, he went and grabbed. Kissed Callie Halleyberry. He grabbed her face and, like, stuck his tongue in her mouth. And it was like, what are you doing?

Like, this guy needs to be directed in life. And he's still like, you know, Adrian Brody pops up still. But like, definitely. Oh, that's right. He did win another Oscar. Yeah. I was going to say, if people are tired of his shit, he can just play Donatello in a Ninja Turtle's Christmas special. Yeah, no kidding.

He's got the perfect voice. Oh, God. Well, yeah, let's talk about Santa Jaws. Oh, thank God, I was like, Let's do it. Oh, Lord. How did you hear about this, Jordan? So this is just when we're scrolling our little websites,

looking for movies to watch, this just constantly pops up in my face. I feel like the algorithm knows I have a weird movie podcast now. It's like, you want to watch the Christmas Shark movie? You gotta want to watch the Christmas shark movie. All of your piggies are going to love the Christmas shark. Oh, these little loinckers are going to gobble it up with you hating the Christmas shark movie. It's just Trump now.

We're just doing Trump boys. I was genuinely wondering, we love Santa Jaws. We love Santa Jaws. Now that I'm president, Santa Jaws can eat people during Christmas. He's not a holiday shark. He's a Christmas shark. He's a patriot. He's a patriot shark.

We don't say sharks. holidays anymore we say happy Santa Jaws we do we love you That's great Anyway So yeah I had maybe assumed

that you know Our algorithms are converging a little bit And maybe y'all had seen Santa Jaws pop up But maybe Could be just me It was just for me

When you said Santa Jaws I was like well yes That certainly exists And I think I think I can guess what it's about, and I will say that I was pleasantly unsurprised by how much it is a movie called Santa Jaws.

Yeah, it sure is. It sure is. Like really, you do not need to see it in order to know literally every beat. There's some twisty stuff that I wasn't expecting. It has some surprises in it. It was obviously a movie where they came up with the title first, Oh, yeah.

Gave a non-union writer a thousand bucks and a bag of cocaine and said, write this in this Hampton Inn over the course of a long weekend. Yeah. So, yeah, I clearly title first, but I think they take some interesting, like, swings. They do. Let's talk about it. Sure. Let's talk about it.

It starts out with a close-up already shot of Christmas ornaments, falling in the water and then we get a action-packed scene on a dock a dock we'll see later a lot because there are two sets in this movie one of them is this dock which is used in both the fantasy sequence and the real world and there is no context to how close this dock is to anything else there sure isn't yes where's the dock who knows but in on this dock an action-packed scene is taking place where a Santa serial killer is threatening a woman with a Christmas tree. He's threatening to, like, stab her with it. Yeah.

And there's, like, kind of a generic action guy with a scar on his face who's, like, trying to save her. He's doing catchphrases. He says, you better watch out. You better not die. Pretty good line just delivered with the flattest, most humorless affect. Which is weird when you're trying to kill somebody. Yeah.

And it is revealed that this is a fantasy. So, like, this guy should give this a little mustard, right? No. Sure. I'm going to push back on you there. Please, yeah. And say... We love multiple.

We have all opinions on the show. Of course. And say that it's not a good line. Well, okay. You better not die is not something you say to someone you are going to kill. Trying to kill. And it was just like, it was one of those lines that I was just like, they, there's just no alt. No one in the room had a once over on this script and said like, well, he wouldn't say that because he wants him to die. I get that you really like the rhyme here, but we can do a different pun.

What year did this come out? I believe this 2018, the sci-fi network, in the summertime. They're in August. Imagine watching this in August. I think that 2018 was still when people thought millennials were young, even though that was only seven years ago. Yes, yes. That's how short that little window is, Gen Z.

So shut the fuck up. But I mean, you're only young for a very small amount of time. Yes, exactly. And then all of the references to you, which will be cringe, looking back on them, Oh, God, it's like the hashtag stuff and then talking about your followers, selfies. Yeah, later on in the movie, we have like an influencer character.

It looks like she's 45. Sure. A hot, hot, 45. Oh, yeah. Very hot 45. It's stunningly beautiful, but... I think she's supposed to be, the joke of this woman is she's supposed to be

this rich guy's young wife, but they are clearly the same age. Yes. She's age appropriate She is Speeatly of this rich guy It's accidentally nice It is yes

And it's supposed to be But yeah So we will get to them First at the end of this At the end of this Intro Fantasy sequence The action guy

Kicks the Santa serial killer In the balls It makes a little jingle bell sound I thought this was funny And I'm like Okay here we go I'm gonna like this movie Now you're speaking my language

Okay You got the juice Yeah, I thought this movie was going to be pretty, like, like, kind of skanky a little bit. Yeah. Because anything that starts. It's kind of a family movie. It is a kids movie. This is like, are you afraid of the dark made a bad Christmas movie?

But Are You Afraid of the Dark would never make something this bad? But, like, the. Or this violent. Oh, no. There's some violent stuff. I mean, goosebumps is probably a little bit more violent. Yeah, maybe goosebumps. But I feel.

like there was like I came into it seeing that it was TVPG and I was like okay so it's a kid's movie and then as soon as there's blood I was just like well I guess this movie doesn't know what it is what it is is like are we snakes on a plane or are we home alone are we a parody also what is death do we care if your whole family's dead not really not really yes Everything is very cash. Do we care if a tall elf gets his legs chopped off? So this action sequence ends with the Santa serial killer getting kicked in the water and then eaten by a shark who turns into Santa Jaws.

So this is revealed to be a comic book drawn by our main kid character. And it's like, oh, this isn't the movie, but it kind of should have been the movie, right? Shouldn't that just be the movie is like Christmas puns and getting kicked into the jingled balls? Is like why did it have to just be sharks if this kid, he's a comic book artist, he has a pen that can make things happen. Why only sharks? Like why could it be like a Christmas Tyrannosaurus rex? That's all he can draw, I suppose. Fair enough.

Maybe the, you know, the budget was like, well, we can't draw a T-Rex. Also, they probably saw Shark Nato and they went, Sharks are in. A hundred percent. sharks but the idea that he could only draw sharks let me tell you those are easy things to draw yeah yeah much of triangles right yeah there's no hands or paws to draw drawing hands dead emotionless eyes it is just a bunch of triangles it's the easiest thing to draw because sometimes a bunch of triangles that can eat you sometimes i'll draw something for somebody and i'm like i'm drawing a cat and then i forget how to draw a pause right and then i'll just go i put

human shoes on those. That's good enough. Cats wearing shoes. Cats wear shoes. Big deal. I don't want to figure out the paw and the claw and the, uh-uh. I'm not doing it. I like the idea that he can only draw sharks. It's like the one thing that he taught himself. He's like, he thinks he's something special though, doesn't he? He sure does. This kid's got the ego on this kid. He's trying to draw comic books. He hangs out in this comic book store with like an adult

asshole. Yeah. And he, but he spends too much time in the comic book store and not enough time at home so he he rushes he rushes home um and that's when his uh we the aforementioned kind of rich asshole uncle it's coming over for christmas he's bringing his new wife who yes i think is supposed to be 22 but she is a gorgeous 45 yeah and as someone striking gorgeous 45 but yeah like as someone who is roughly that age i would never could well i could never have a this body on this girl too. It's like, you know, there's like, I've never been, even in my youngest, thinnest, whatever, like having the abs that are just perfect. Like she does, she looks like an influencer model. That is for sure. But yeah.

So she's the joke, and I'm putting quotation marks around joke here, is that she's like an influencer. So she's like, I'm a model for Snapstagram. That's fun. They couldn't say Instagram. Delicia and snaps the gram. And there's an old man. He's like snaps to ham. Oh, God. I'm so glad that old man died early. Yeah.

Carve-a little Papa. Papa. But why is he Papa when that's his grandfather? I'm so confused about that. There's an old man. They all call him Papa, and they say Papa constantly. Was his mom a whore? Did she fuck that guy?

I think who is his Papa? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Which, listen. So, you know, the comic book kid. Comic book kid. No.

Yeah. We got to cut so much of this already because I'm on a tear. Sex work is real work. Well, I mean, but banging your kid's grandpa is like, that's not sex work. Yeah, that's just called banging your dad. I'd bang my kid's grandpa. That's just called Most Porn Now. Oh, no.

I'm stuck in a laundry machine. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Somebody is stuck in a washing machine. That would just be all. So, yeah, the kid, his parents are mad at him. His mom is wearing pearls in a sweater, all for this whole movie. How, what's the temperature in this movie do you guys think?

Is it like, it's, it looks hot all the time, but everyone is always in a Christmas sweater. No idea. Somewhere near a dock. The comic store is called Big Easy Comics. So I'm like Louisiana, but then they call it Port City. they're always referring to port city which sounds like just like a fake city from DC Comics or something

I mean it's probably filmed in what Canada gotta be Canada yeah or maybe it's I mean Louisiana has all those tax breaks so maybe who knows but whatever it's just I mean again this is filmed in two different rooms so it doesn't really matter what country it's in

the real answer is of course I don't care there you go yeah well I think I do stay a new classic thing. They probably needed some people to wear sweaters to make it seem like a Christmas movie.

Right, exactly. They just went, she'll wear one, I don't know. And everyone's so hot. I'm sure these actors are so hot. I'm sure it's just humid and sweltering. Especially the guy in that shark outfit. Because the practical effects in this. Beautiful, yeah, just the artisan ship on display.

You know, you wouldn't believe it, Emily. but that shark is actually CGI. What? I know. That shark that looks like a screen saver from the makers of flying toasters. I love those. You mean there's nobody inside those toasters?

No, those are all CGI. I'm going to walk into the ocean. I know. But Andy Circus did do the motion capture for St. That's why it looks so human and life life. Yeah, right. It has soulful eyes. It's in the eye.

Honestly, if I ever got a tattoo which I have no tattoos I would get that flying toaster Yeah, it's a good tattoo Right on my clit, just right there She's a really tiny one. Teeny tiny, like I need somebody who makes the people's names on the little piece of rice

Yeah, like that guy I get one that says DVD And it's that screen savers Right And then when you jump up and down it bounces And it's like, is it gonna Where's it gonna go to the corners? Yeah, cool, now I can kill

myself. Kids today don't know about the bouncing DVD sign. These are the millennial references we needed in this movie and they did not give them those. No, they didn't. They said hashtag. So the kid, his parents yell at him. They ground him for hanging out at the comic book store too much. And his grandpa, Papa, gives him a magic German pen. This pen looks kind of cool. It's like the thing. It's easily the thing that the most money was spent on in this movie. He was creating this magic pen. And so he draws Santa Jaws with the magic pen while wishing he was alone for Christmas.

And then wouldn't you fucking know it? Santa Jaws, the shark with a Santa hat on its fin. Which does that mean? Is that the worst hat? Oh, let's go ahead and call it the worst hat. Let's call it the worst hat. The hat on Santa Jaws' fin. Yes.

That you see every time he's coming. to eat you so the papa wakes the kid up and takes him fishing even though he's grounded um and papa has his famous eggnog and he like he says to the kid i kind of laughed at this he's like do you want to snort yeah you want to snort my eggnog and then it breaks and papa just has another one papa has two thermuses of eggnog he's a one fishing trip my kind of guy yeah papa sounds pretty cool well i always say that like if you're drinking uh liquor straight from the bottle. That's daddy's glass. I like that. I've heard that from a few people. But yeah, I guess that if you break a glass and then have more on the side, it's Papa's

glass. Are you guys going to have a little gnaug for the holiday season? You think you'll have me gnaug? I love eggnog. I mean, I like eggnog even without alcohol in it because I don't dream. Oh, yeah. Either way. It's delicious. I think it tastes really good. It is kind of Candy corn-esque, though, you can have a couple, and then you're like, why would I drink this any of the time? It's a dessert. It really is a treat. And I want some whipped cream on top and some cinnamon and nutmeg sprinkle on there. Oh, cinnamon. I think the superior holiday drink is the hot toddy. I really, I fucking... I don't think I've ever had one. I had a lot. The two days a year in L.A. where it's cold. You can have a hot toddy, and it's the best two fucking... I had, like, five of them when I was back home for Thanksgiving over, like, in Nashville.

because I got every time I go home I get sick every fucking time Nashville you nasty you nasty wash your hands Nashville wash your hands I should have barbecue sauce all over it the thing is I always do karaoke at that bar where my sister hosts Rosie's twin kegs really good corn dogs you should definitely come and I don't think about how that microphone is being passed around by tons of people but it's kind of like Do you think it's kind of, I don't know, offensive, if I have a wipey and I'm wiping the microphone down? You can wipe the mic. Just do it in a class, you don't, you know, you can like take it off to the, so you can turn around and wipe it.

Yeah, that's true. I think I'll do that next time. Yeah. Yeah. But that's when I always get sick. I do tons of karaoke there and then bam, my throat hurts the next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks.

Also, you are belting that three non-blon song over. No, I am not. That is actually my least favorite karaoke song of all time. I hate that song. What's your go-to? It's a long song. It's too long. I agree.

I agree. I agree. I agree. Of course, I've probably done some long ones, too, because sometimes I do Celine Dion and that girl does some long songs. I did, I tried to do creed higher, higher, but that is such a low song. It's like low register. I don't know why I tried to sing that.

but I love to sing ACDC oh God shook me all night long Oh because you could just kind of like You could just kind of like do that

I like that That's good You can just kind of be stupid Like it's just It's fun to just Yeah it's about selling it You know It's about

Oh I sell it I get down on one knee I'm like putting the mic in the air I love it That's what I love to do I don't like to do anything that is over. I'm not going to do any queen. Queen songs are very long, too.

Yeah. Love Queen, but those songs are very long. You know, it's somebody showing off, but they got the range. Yeah, none of them do. Not a single person who ever does Queen has the range. Nobody. And I will do Celine Dion, but in a funny way, because I ain't got that range. I mean, no one's got that.

She's every human. Only Celine. I like doing do host. Do host is good. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. It scares a lot of people. You're Jewish up front.

Yeah, yeah, I go, it's okay. I'm allowed to sing this. Or if I were to do a creed song, it would be Marlins will soar. That's what I would do. I don't remember that song. I don't know. Is that a B-side? Japan-only creed song?

Marlins Will Soar by Scott Stapp is a rejected song about the Florida Marlins. That he tried to get the Marlins to basically, you know, he wrote a song for them to use on their baseball promo. Yes, and they did not like it. They did not like it. Oh, no. Oh, you haven't heard it? Oh, I got to play it for you. Well, that's Marlins will sore. He just has it ready.

Oh, I have it ready. Oh, God. Let's play ball. It's game dead. No, no. This isn't real. This isn't real. This is real. And he's just singing about baseball shit?

I be told me it's made you're proud. Come on my name you're proud. Keep hoping and dreaming at you will start. Now, imagine this song in a fake Jamaican accent. Honestly, it would improve it vastly. It's so funny that it's just actually about baseball. I can't believe it. Give me your heart dough and pull me your beer.

Has he ever sang. Stretching a guy selling popcorn. Has he ever sang the national anthem? I would love to hear him sing the national anthem. What if I did that for karaoke? I'll just do that for karaoke as... The national anthem as the guy from Creed. And a Jamaican accent.

You're like, this is complicated. Go with me here on this. Just hang with me, baby. I got this. So many layers. Yeah. Anyways, Marlon somehow segues back into fish. Marlin, fish, shark.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Santa Jaws. Yeah. Jordan, we just have to hear what your karaoke song is real quick. So I don't like to do it. If I am. But you've done it with me?

I have done it with you. If I, my general policy is that if I am thinking karaoke is a good idea, I'm too drunk to be out of the house. Oh, I like that as a gauge. I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, karaoke, maybe I'll sign up. Maybe go home. Maybe call the lift. I don't know. Well, you and I did back in the day, oh, my God, how many years ago was it when

Mythicon happened? Oh, yes. And I hosted. The Good Mythical Morning Convention, you hosted the karaoke night. Yeah, in Texas. Yeah, that was, and you came up and, like, helped me out because it was like, it was a lot. It was a lot going on. Yeah.

But, yeah, we sang some stuff there. Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson, great song. You sang since you've been. Yeah, that's a good one. I was probably too drunk to be out of the house. Oh, yeah. I probably should have left.

I was for sure. Like, it was, that was a really fun one. I definitely have a story when we, Jenna Purdy will be joining us in the future on the show. Oh, yes. And I will have her tell a story about that. Okay. That day.

Coming up. A teaser. I like it. A teaser. Stay tuned. Stay subscribed to this podcast. So Santa Jaws kill. Papa.

The kid's not that bothered by it. Yeah, he's really not. The death don't do anything to people. No. It's crazy. But anyway, so what happens? Okay, so they're having a, so Santa Jaws

is killing people. No one believes the kid. Which, fair enough. Yeah, he tells, so here's, okay. So people at various points in this movie try to warn people about Santa Jaws. Sure. And no one

says there's a shark in the water they say there's a shark in the water but it's a Christmas shark and it has a thing on the tail and I drew a thing with the magic pen and the magic pen came to life and I drew a comic book and then okay just say there's a shark in the water

you don't have to say about the magic pen and that it's a Christmas shark truly a strategic disaster on the part of our lead it's true but also the parents do it later they call 9-1-1 and they're like it's a Christmas shark for it's a comic book and it came to light it's like just say there's a shark

that happens You can say there's a shark. But then too many normal things would happen and then it would be as boring as it is. Yes. That's true. That's true. But it's also like, you know, I'm kind of going, is it weird that this place would have a shark in the water? I don't know.

I don't know where it is. Yeah. But yeah, it's like a body of water with the, anyway. Yeah. But so whatever. So no. It's like a tiny little lake dock. I don't know.

And there's no extras ever anyway. Like, I mean, I think it makes, oh, it gets Christmas, many people are at home. But, like, yeah, there's just no, no one's ever in a store or outside. Well, and I think it's so crazy. You said sci-fi produce this. Yeah. It aired on sci-fi. It aired on sci-fi.

Because there's movies like this. They're little guys. These are little-guy movies. And honestly, I would give my left lip to, like, be able to do a movie. You know, left and right lip? I sure do Oh yeah You got a thing hard on that one, Jordan

The other lips Okay I'm not talking about the mouth lips Okay I got what you're putting now You're not talking about the left lips It goes Like that

Oh god No Cut that out I'm not No Anyway Yeah I would die to be in movie like this like these are these are things that you know when you come to l.a like us and you get

somebody who's you know you get representation you don't get to like do these cool regional things like they won't find this stuff for you it's like yeah i want to do this i don't know why these people that were hanging around the dock though 100% it's true but it's like could somebody listeners are our tens of hundreds of listeners we love you so much We love you. The few, the proud, the freebies. Yes. If you know anyone who is an agent or has representation that only casts these kinds of movies.

Yes. Please, please. Please. We want to do it. It is truly, it is truly remarkable to see, like, as I'm watching the movie, I'm going, wow, it's crazy that they just kept filming this. they didn't stop making it at any point at any point they could have stopped what are we doing

instead they were just like not power through it trust me it'll come out in the edit making money doing this right I don't know I think people made money doing this I think it was probably SAG I think that I don't know I've it's

it looked okay I mean yeah it you know it has like it's I know, I don't know I kind of oscillate between like respecting the weird wholesomeness of the movie

because there's a world where and this is kind of what I thought it would be and Matt maybe I think maybe you were kind of you kind of alluded to feeling like this of like oh this movie is just going to be like gore and tits right and then with a Christmas backdrop and it's not

I mean is that more entertaining than this? Yes maybe but like it's kind of funny that they're like, oh, let's make this a kid's movie or a family movie about this shark. So that part of it, I'm like, I respect this. Yes. But also, it's mostly boring.

Well, here's the other thing, the gore and tits part. Okay, so we do have a woman in a swimsuit for a lot of this movie. I don't know if we need to get to Grandpa, Papa, Papa, Papa dies. That's actually kind of where we are in this. story so we kind of go to a little vignette with the influencer character

the um the the swingin senior influencer who's still looking great at 55 like Ms. Vana White. I feel like I need to backtrack a little bit here. Sure please. I feel like I have been agist. I feel like I have been

um you know just I've also been slut shamy. I've been a lot of problematic feminist stuff in this episode but I want to say it's because I'm jealous as shit that they're in this movie. And I want to be in these movies and that's what it is.

So to those actresses, I'm so sorry, you are fabulous and you deserve to crush it. Also, you guys were probably the best parts of this fucking movie. But that actress, fabulous actress, also very funny.

We couldn't get a matching bikini top with the bottoms. Yeah, I'm sure she just brought something from home and wore it in the movie. So, yeah, she's on a boat, and that's when we get the kind of obligatory bikini scene. She looks terrific. Yes.

But then her husband goes, have you been shopping again? And I'm like, clearly not. No. They don't match. These are like the most non-matching bikini top to bottoms. But I know they had to have had a wardrobe department. I know they could have gone to Target and gotten a matching set. They probably could have.

They could have. But y'all did her dirty. She had 120,000 followers. on Instagram. Yes. On Snapstagram. Oh, Snapstagram. Oh, you mean snaps to ham?

Oh, Jordan. Oh, I misheard it because I'm Papa. Yeah, so she makes, oh, just to fucking date this like crazy, she makes an ice bucket challenge. Oh, my God. But that's not even, that's old by 2018 standards. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure in 2018 that was sweaty. Yeah.

Yes. Because that happened in 2014. The summer of 2018. That's a four-year-old reference. I was trying to think of which girlfriend did I do the Ice Bucket Challenge with? That's right. It's 2014, yes. I hope she's doing okay.

Shout out to you, Roxanne. I did it at a retail store. Oh, that's nice too. And it was the boss that I hated who dumped it on me and I was, I still hate that guy. Fuck you, Sebastian. You raised all that money for us. ALS. Kins.

ALS. ALS. ALS. Hate it. ALS. I don't know how it did. How? Somehow.

Somehow. Okay. So they, so the shark just kills a bunch of people. He kills the uncle. He, there's, like, funniest gore seen in this is there's, like, a Christmas elf, like, just drinking on the docks. He is very. tall. That's kind of funny. I think he's the tallest

person in the movie. No way. Tallest guy. Well, not for long though. That's true. I think even with his, I think even when he, Santa Jaws, pushes the boat into him and chops off his legs, I think he's still taller than everybody else. That's true. That hat. That little

elf hat is going to have a little elf hat. Yeah, it's the inches. And he kind of runs down the dock on his like stump legs, screaming at everybody. I'm like, I kind of want this to be the movie. It's like yes. Yeah. It should be be this in tits, right? Yeah, yeah.

And tits is all I want. The thing about the tits thing, so they put a woman of a respectable age in scantily clad clothes. That was as sexy as you could get. We're like no young buxom like bikini models. We're going to have a nice lady who's very pretty. Who keeps it tight.

And it keeps it tight and she is not underage. So anyway, they figure out the kids kind of all band together. They make a little like stranger. They figure out that the shark can only be harmed by Christmas things. When did we figure this out? I don't know. I forget how they, but they, so they're like, okay, we have to like sharpen cat candy canes.

They make like bombs out of ornaments. Anyway, you know, whatever. I know you're feeling, dude. I know what you're feeling. So, you know, they make, they make weapons out of these. ornaments and they like there's just a funny like bad filmmaking thing where they'll like throw these spears and shoot arrows and we will see them plunk down into the water and then they cut to the CGI shark and it's swiftly going in the shark at an angle we just saw it plop

down on the surface of the water and then just this cut of a expertly fired arrow going in at an angle anyway it makes me feel crazy so they figure out about the pen. They figure out that the pen brought Santa Jaws to life, but the evil comic book store guy stole it. Yeah. They want him to get it back. So it also

he has a brother who's supposed to be a jock. Okay. Yeah. He looks like just a guy. Sure. And they, and he's got a haircut. Yeah. But he's like, I'm a jock. And then he has a little

friend. And there is a conversation. about, that tries to talk about stereotypes, but I don't have the energy. That conversation, I'm just like, God, I, someone realized the movie's not 80 minutes, and it needs to be 80 minutes. So people are like, you know, it's hard for

jocks too. Yeah, it's hard for nerds. And then it's, it's like, what are you talking about? I've never, like, I haven't heard anything from either of you, this whole movie, and you're sitting around talking about how hard it is for your like, yeah, it's I think really just had a minimum amount of time this movie had to be.

Wait, what if this movie was written by a child who was dying? And we're just sitting here. It would be better. It would be better, Emily. It's not that good. Part of me was like this feels like someone's dying wish to make this movie. And there were like

what's on the page is what we got. We have to shoot it. We cannot rewrite this at all. Yeah. So that literally is how I felt during this movie. Which I'm looking this up on Wikipedia. By the way, everybody just donate to Wikipedia if they haven't told you a bazillion times already

they keep going this is the end we're gonna die and it's like all right okay fuck I'll give you two bucks but yeah it was shot in Louisiana oh there we're okay alright so that is weird that it's you know that there would be sharks

are there sharks in Louisiana no yeah I don't know hard to say I'm sorry to do it again guys I don't care I don't care We can't research. This doesn't, none of the spirits researches. Nothing matters.

The comic book guy is yelling at the kid. He says, I don't care. So we're, we are almost to the end of this movie that's 80 minutes, but it feels like nine hours. Let's take a break and we'll talk about the end. We're back. It's free with ads. We're talking about Santa Jaws. So they figure out that the pen was used to bring her to life.

And, yeah, in a movie with a budget, they would just start drawing all sorts of crazy creatures to fight it, which would be fun. In a creature, in a movie with a budget, they would be drawing fucking anything and it would be fun to watch. Any, like the movie not being about

the pen is hilarious where they were like, well, we're already 40 minutes into a Santa Jaws movie. It's like, you wrote it. You can do whatever you want. And like, the discovery of the magic powers of the pen leads to

them not using the pen for literally most of the movie after this. And it's incredibly frustrating to watch this very obvious Deiasex Machina where you're just like, okay, this pen can save everything. I love that this movie has that.

Yes, it does. It does. And it's a very simple one. And yet there's still like, there's still a home alone-esque scene where they have to figure out cool weapons to hurt the shark. I was like, use the pen!

Yeah. Did you guys notice that the when the action was starting to happen was clearly a rip off of the Home Alone music. A hundred percent. Oh, funny, I did not notice that. Yeah, they were doing an homage to like when Kevin McAllister is setting up the house of booby traps. D-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d- Yeah.

And instead, it's them, you know, making a weapons cash of a bunch of Christmas weapons. Yeah. But they had the fucking pen. And I'm just like, guys. Yeah, you are. gods. You are living gods. You can control the world with that pen. You can become God. But the thing is, the rules of the pen seem to be a little fuzzy because he tries to do something

with the pen and then it goes wrong. Like things go wrong when he uses the pen. This is maybe like and this movie has like a couple good things in it. And I think this is good. So he draws a candy cane to stab the shark and it stabs the shark in the head but then it turns into a horn and the shark starts stabbing people. That was the funniest line in the whole movie. That's funny. That's funnier than Santa getting kicked in the balls and it going jingle jangle. I was like, oh, this could be really funny. That's a great joke. Because what if they do all these things to try to draw it and then he turns into this decked out like tank of a shark with like he's got a rocket launcher on his shoulder? That would fucking rule. That would rule so much.

much why did we just do this from the fuck like and then draw like you know what's the mothra or whatever like it's godzilla you're like is that one that fights the gut i gotta watch more godzilla team up so it's like what if they could have like drawn another beast to fight him or something yeah that would have been great oh my god okay i will say this i looked up like who wrote this movie yes um this is the only thing he's ever written um he's like i i i Perfect. One for one. I'm retiring.

Yeah, triple axle, done. And I did it. And this was directed by someone who teaches at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Okay. Cool. So kids, if you're going there, don't. Well, no, I mean, you know, say hi to the Santa Jaws guy. Yeah.

Well, the other thing is the director is the first woman to direct an original film for sci-fi. Fuck. A queen, a girl boss. Yes. This is the first one. An icon. It's hard to. And hopefully not the last.

Yeah. This is definitely an episode. Everyone goes, Emily hates women. Yeah. Hey, it's not your fault. Listen, it's hard to break the glass fish tank. Yeah. It's hard to break the shark ceiling. This wasn't even.

the movie. Yeah. The first movie was zombie shark. Oh. Oh, okay. So I think she's just got a lot of shark things going on. Good for her. Well, you know, you should do what you can.

Her first movie is called Soup's On. What's that? I'd watch that. That's about soup that kills people. I like soup. Sorry, we have to cut that. That's so mean. I'm so sorry.

I'm being so mean for this movie. It's a bad movie. but I don't want to blame women for it sometimes women suck sometimes women are bad you know what that is feminist this was her last movie by the way well

because there was zombie shark Ozark sharks Mississippi River Sharks and then Santa Jaws you just get pitch and holds something yeah these are all like I said everything I have to say about sharks oh shit

Anyway, so the shark just starts eating all the main characters. They throw exploding turkeys at it with a catapult that dad draws. Anyway, but it... The dad who isn't Papa. It's not Papa. What is Dad if not Papa? Is Dad Papa? Is Dad is Daddy.

Papa's Papa's Papa. But the kid... What's the fucking end to this? The kid just wishes... What's the end of the movie? What's the end of the movie? The kid like wakes up. It's like a dream.

He wishes that if the shark eats him, then everything comes. Oh, he writes in the comic book. He writes in the comic book. So I guess everything that happens in the comic book is real. Yeah. So he writes that you get a wish if the shark eats you and then he wishes for everything to be back. So you could write things. So drawing things wasn't helpful.

You have to write things down. I guess so. That's the power of language. Yeah. whatever. Anyway, he burns. This is why writing is more important than images because... There you go.

That's right. Because images can be replaced by AI. Thank you. But knowing can't replace writing with AI. Yeah, never. They would never do that. GROC could never. Just try and write Santa Jaws, GROC.

I'd love to see you try. Dude, did you see... I just saw this... Okay, this is... I'm, of course, deep in the deep end of AI stuff. But there was this video that came out where there's fish, like, raining from the sky. And all these people are Googling whether or not it's real. And Google AI is saying that it is.

Wow. He's like, uh, yeah. So you like it? Yeah, because Google AI made the video. Right. Wow. So then they're so cooked. Anyway.

Yeah, yeah. It's only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before. That video looked about the same as a Santa Shark. As Santa Sharma. So you know what? If fish fall from the sky, Santa Shark is real. There you go.

Fair enough. That's a wonderful lesson. So the kid burns the comic book and he saves the pen for future adventures. Does there a sequel? I don't know. I hope not. Yeah. But is this a sequel to those other movies you mentioned to Ozark Shark and zombie shark.

That is a good point. I would love to look that up, but I won't. Well, yeah, that's Santa Jaws. It sure is, fellas. Yes, we're going to say what we thought about it, but first, oh, we got to do the hunk watch. It's Hunk Watch. Any thoughts? Despite the very hot bikini woman in this, I had a hard time feeling anything watching this, let alone any sexual feelings.

I got opinions. Yeah, what do you think about the hunks of this film? Okay, first, the rich uncle. Uh-huh. Who I thought was a pretty, like, I think that that couple, the rich uncle and the influencer, but I thought they were having fun in this movie. And I liked them. So I looked him up because he looked familiar. I was like, have I made out with that guy?

I don't know. And I looked him up and I was like, ooh, he cute. And then, oh, his wife is cute. And then I got sad because they look so happy. And so that he's no longer my hunk. I love that you took us through that. Wow. I love that you took us through that entire process.

No, I just want an available guy, Jordan. Anyway, so then I, you know, honestly, I think that... Papa, Papa might be a widower. No, no, no, no. It's the dad. The dad had this really cute scene where he was sitting with his son, listening to him, be kind of a brat, and he was like really, I don't know, like sweet and stuff.

And I was like, his eyes are really kind. Ooh, I like him. He has great eyes. The actor's name is Jim Clock. no way Jim clock there you go I could be Emily

Clock you could be Emily Clock I'm gonna marry him Time's a tickin Oh shut the fuck up Don't I know Yeah Sure

They call him Jim Cock though Oh I'm the one that they It's Jim Cock It's Jim Cock It's Jim Cock You was great

Maybe you know my brother with a different last name. This sucks. Okay, well. What about you, Jordan? Yeah, Jimcock. I'm going Santa Jaws. You like Santa Jaws? He's the throat goat.

I'm going with him. What the fuck? I hear standard Jaws let you stick it in the gills. Santa Jaws maybe bites a couple of people. spends most of the movie full on whole swallowing just people and I'm just like glug glug

grug I think Santa Jaws I think they say that Santa Jaws is a woman Oh that's right They do Santa Jaws definitely slobbed on that no

Oh yeah sure it did The elf When you nut and she keeps Santa I don't know whatever That was great That was better than the whole movie

Jingle on my face Give you that Hock Tua on that Santa Shark Tua I've heard of Hock Tua but shark Tua Thank you yes This is good The podcast is good

The podcast is good Yes Only getting better Oh God I feel like I I feel hateful Bight on that thing I feel like I've never felt

very hateful in an episode before But there's something about this And I just, I want you guys to know that we like people. No, we do. And we're actually really nice in real life. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not nice in real life. I think that people should know that soon.

I think people think that I'm nice. And I think it's time they realize I'm not. Yeah, I can't imagine they do. But I, but I will say that we are generally very nice people. Sure. Typically. And watching this movie. I'm not going to punch a baby.

No, no. No, and some people would say, is that a low bar? No, that's a high bar. Very high bar. But, yeah, this movie made me mad and angry. But we're not at the point yet where we rate it. Yeah, well, listen, we'll take a little break. Sure.

We'll come back. We're back. It's free with ads. We're going to rank Santa Jaws. But first, I want to talk about something cool over there on maximum fun.org. It's the Max Fun Gift Guide. We'll put a link to that in the show notes. But you can also go to maximum fun.org. Click on News, the Max Fun Gift Guide.

Can you get there? You can get amazing gifts that support your favorite Max Fun hosts. You can get our merch. You can get free with ads, t-shirts, pint glasses, et cetera. You can get a copy of Youth Group, the graphic novel that I did with artist Bowen McGurdy. Would make a great gift for any graphic novel fans on your list, teen and up. Or you can get a Max Fun gift subscription. If you have a friend or a loved one who listens to the show,

they want to hear the bonus content. You get them a gift subscription and it's fun, funny stuff all year round. And if you want to subscribe to the show, you can do that at the gift guide or you can go to maximum fun.org slash join, kick in a couple of bucks a month and you get to hear our bonus episodes and you support the show. This one's bonus episode is the Power Rangers Christmas special. Oh, man, it's so good.

We got a bunch of holiday content coming at you, including over there on the bonus feed. So we did the Power Rangers Christmas special. You can listen to our episode about that over there, maximum fun.org slash join or hit up the gift guide. Okay, Santa Jaws. Let's rank it on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. I'll go first. I will give Santa Jaws what I think is a very generous two. It's not that fun to watch, but I do like some of the choices made.

I do like that it's a family film. I will say that my buddy and podcast co-host, Jesse Thorne, has watched this with his kids, and he says they like it. Yeah. So maybe this is a good movie to watch with kids. I don't know. I'll test it out with my three-year-olds. Yeah, watch with your three-year-old and see if she likes it when the elf's legs get cut off. She's going to love the hashtag jokes.

Yeah, the jokes about the Ice Bucket Challenge. Oh, God. So very current. Yeah, it's not that fun to watch, but has some kind of like cute, amiable things about it. I think if you're like a shark movie sicko, then you've probably already watched this. But yeah, maybe it's fun if you love this kind of flavor of bad movie. But, you know, maybe a little unpleasant just to sit and watch in your house alone. Yeah.

Yeah. Emily, any thoughts? That is very generous. I found, and when you say it like that with the description about Jesse and his kids, that makes a lot more sense to me. And that makes me like it a little bit more. Yeah, me too. Because, you know, I'm a huge Are You Afraid of the Dark fan, but I feel like Are You Afraid of the Dark is very thoughtful. And like sometimes there's a moral to the story.

There was zero moral to the story. Like there was nothing about this kid feeling bad about what he did. or anything, it was just, this kid's going to keep being kind of a dick for the rest of his life, I guess. It's horrible, but it's like, yeah, as a kid, I'd be like, this is wild. I've never seen anything like this before.

What a cool, wild, bad movie that isn't as disturbing as the peanut butter solution. Right. Yeah. Also, having this on in the background of a bar or the background of a party, which I tend to take into consideration. work um i'm going to give it a two point two point two okay uh matt what do you think um

so my best friend one of my best friends in the world um he died from a santa jaws no no no no no one of my best one of my best friends next year has two movies coming out they both premiered at Toronto film festival two movies next year one that he

wrote the screenplay and the other that he wrote and directed they're both going to be released in theaters this movie made me less impressed about that this movie

This movie made me... Anybody can do it. You can accidentally make a movie apparently. Yeah, made me start thinking it is actually not that impressive to make a movie. It's not that hard to make a movie. And it's not that hard to get that movie distributed. Right. You know, I mean, credit where creditors do, this, you know, obviously was not released in theaters.

So I, you know, so kudos to Tom for getting that. But watching this movie, I want to send it to him and go, like if your movie is anything like this you should stop yeah write a novel it just just a different art for i think i'm going to enjoy citizen cane less because of this movie it is also a movie it is also a movie purely by association yeah should we make i make movies is that a better idea this was the first time i ever said you know some ai notes really would have helped um i i bet ai is pissed at this movie you're like how dare you i so i'm i'm going to give this a one because uh so far from hearing you to speak it turns out one person uh did have their kids enjoy it yeah so i'm going to give

it a one because of that and other than that no i i did not i did not enjoy watching it i did not enjoy the puns i did not enjoy the shark and it made me hate christmas But the people who made this movie, I love you, and of course, I support you in your dreams. Of course. I think it's, hey, listen, I didn't get to make a fucking Santa Jaws. If it was Hanukkah Jaws, would it have been better for you? I think if it had been Hanukkah Jaws, that would be anti-Semitic. So we can all be grateful that it was not Monica Jaws.

But yeah, other than that, you know, yeah, giving her to one solid one. Dradle Jaws coming at you. It's a tradle that eats you. Cool. Honestly, let's make it. Might as well. Sure. Guess you can make anything.

Yeah. I've got a bag of cocaine in a couple days off. Why not? Yeah, let's do some plugs. Anybody got anything coming up, Emily? By the time this airs, a new episode of Meals of History will have aired on The Mythical Kitchen. I did a Christmas episode with Chef Josh from the Mythical Kitchen on YouTube. You could go to Mythical Kitchen channel on YouTube or you could look at Meals of History and it's our 29th Meals of History episode.

Hey, there you go. I love that. So yeah, it's and I'm playing a disgruntled elf who has been with Santa since the pagan times and, uh, It hasn't gotten a raise in a while. I love it. Beautiful. Matt? I'm going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena on December 13th. Come out to that. The link will be in the description.

Doing stand-up, obviously. But yes, come out. And I will remind folks to put in those pre-orders for Predator Bloodshed, a Predator comic book miniseries drawn by Roland Boshi, a couple other cool artists, and written by me. It's about the predator, our favorite guy,

our thick-thied, our thick-thied honorable killer, wreck and shop at an underground fighting tournament. It's going to be so cool. It comes out February 25th, but you can pre-order

at your local comic book shop now. And if you want all five issues signed by me, delivered to your house via mail, go to bit. bit.ly slash cool fight. Bit.L.Y slash cool fight. And you could order

those books from Collectors Paradise, a good indie comic book store. Okay. Tune in next week when our movie will be Dolly Parton in Unlikely Angel. maximum fun a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you