Free With Ads - The Christmas Toy, with Alonso Duralde

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

This week we invited Alonso Duralde back to the pod to talk about the Christmas TV movie classic, The Christmas Toy, which is basically Toy Story but with death!Tune in next week when our movie will be... Santa Jaws.-----Buy Alonso's new and updated book Have Yourself a Movie Little ChristmasListen to the podcast Linoleum KnifeAlso listen to Maximum Film wherever you get your podcasts!Finally, follow Alonso on instagram!Visit Emily's ETSY store FlemGems!Matt will be at The Ice House comedy club in Pasadena on December 13th!If you are in California, Jordan will be here on these dates!Wed Dec 3rd - Merced Public Library 5pm - 7pmSaturday Dec 6th - Thousand Oaks Public Library 2pm - 3pmGet a copy of Jordan Morris's comic book Predator: Black White and Blood #4!Also click this link to get a signed copy of something else Jordan made! https://bit.ly/coolfight

This is free with ads. that asks the question, why pay Disney plus 12 bucks a month to watch Muppet Adventures when you could go online for free and watch a Jim Henson classic that may only feature Kermit for a few minutes, but has so many other equally memorable Henson characters like an old bear with a cane and a doll that looks like Girl Chucky and a clown that dies. So that's just as good, right? I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is the Christmas Toy, the 1986 Jim Henson TV special that definitely was not ripped off by Pixar for Toy Story. And if you keep saying that, they're going to send Wally to your house and beat the crap out of you.

With us, as always, is the super producer, the he freak, Matt Leave, hitting us with those Holly jolly drops. To infinity and beyond. Matt, Wally's going to get us. What do we just say? They're different. They're totally different. Oh, oh shit. My bad, my bad, my bad.

That's on me, that's on me, guys. That sounds like, you know, an astronaut instead of a BDSM-influenced space woman. So, yeah. I always wish that Buzz Lightyear would fem-dom me. Buzz-Legier needs perfectly circular breasts. Okay, we'll get into it, guys. Yes, we will.

I will get into it. To get into this movie, we have a very, very special guest. He's our first ever returning guest, actually, in the history of the podcast. He's a film critic, one of the hosts of Max Fun Zone movie podcast, Maximum Film, and the author of Have Yourself a Movie, Little Christmas, Alonzo Duralde. Hi, Alonzo. Hi, you guys. I am, I'm gobsmacked.

I had no idea this honor was being bestowed upon me. and I will do my best to make it worth your while. Thank you. Thank you for stepping up. We will reward you with one cat toy. Ooh. Smells like catnip. Smells like catnip.

Alonzo, before we talk about the Christmas toy, which you're uniquely qualified to talk about, we want to talk to you about some of your other exciting projects in a segment we call Talk to Guest. Talk to guest. Okay, Alonzo, you are here, for many reasons. you're one of our favorite guys, but also you have a,

it is a new edition of your book, have yourself a movie Little Christmas. It is a list and it is a list of Christmas movies for all occasions. Can you tell us like when you got into Christmas movies? Was it as a kid or was it later in life? Well, you know, I didn't think of it

as being into Christmas movies, but I always love Christmas and I've always loved movies. So, you know, those two things were always kind of in the stack. And I grew up in the 70s, which was the golden age of, hey, it's a wonderful life is on again. Right. And so, you know, that just became very much a staple for me. So as I got older, again, this is all sort of in the pre-Internet era. You know, I grew up in a house that had like five holiday albums, you know.

So it was Bing, Dean Martin, you know, Andy Williams, Perry Como, and like the Boston Pops. and that was it. Yeah. And so to get out in the real world and discover things like, oh, what, Lena Horn and, you know, Elephant's Gerald and the Ray Conn of Singers was mind-blowing to me.

And similarly, there were all these Christmas movies that I had never seen as a kid because we just didn't watch them in my household. And I think they weren't making such a big to-do about Christmas movies at the time. So as an adult, getting to see things like Miracle on 34th Street, the original one, you know, for the first.

time and finding these cool old movies but then also coming upon films like oh yeah i guess that is a christmas movie because it is set at christmas and christmas figures into the plot and so the the idea was to put together a book where it would of course have your established classics your elves and your uh you know your it's a wonderful life but then also get into things like eyes wide shut and metropolitan and gremlins you know and stuff that's also very much are we considering those to be Christmas movies? Yes, ma'am. Wow. Eyes White Shut is a Christmas movie? Go back and rewatch Eyes White Shut. It is for all of us, isn't it? There is more, you would think it was a Hallmark movie. Shit. The way that every scene that isn't the orgy has like a tree and, you know,

Nicole Kidman wrapping presents and Twinkle Lights. Like, there is a crazy amount of holiday day going on. I mean, I think Nicole Kidman in slutty little glasses is Christmas for everyone. I would love it There was just like a deleted scene where at the orgy, someone takes a mask off and it's Santa. Don't tell anyone. This is Santa's secret. I mean, the boots would work. But. Yeah.

So, and then this new addition is because the first one came out 15 years ago and there's been a crazy amount of new Christmas movies since then that we're worth talking about. And a bunch of classics that I had just missed the first time. and, you know, thanks to things like, you know, Turner Classic movies devoting a week to Christmas movies now, suddenly like, oh, all these noir films that I somehow missed before that are set during the holidays, let's do it. What are the deep cuts?

As someone who's watched a lot of these, as someone who's written a book about it, like, yeah, elf, it's a wonderful life. All great. We'll probably watch them at some point this season. What are the diamonds in the rough? Can I sell you on Blast of Silence, which is a 1960 noir film about a hitman sent to New York City at Christmastime to do a job.

It is like one of these, it is super bleak and existential. Like the whole, what year did it come out? 1960. Okay. Like the opening narration is literally like you are doomed to die, as are all of us on this human journey, you know. But it's a really cool noir film. And also if, you know, it's one of those things we're like, you know, bunch of movies just shot with no permits

they just went out and did the thing and so if you this movie if you want to see what in New York in 1959 Christmas looked like just watch everything behind this guy in the movie because they were just in there doing it all so yeah that's a really cool one that I hadn't seen before

what was it called something blast of silence yes it sounds like a movie about farting yeah blasts of silence Felt. Blast of silence, but deadly. It does sound like a

angsty 13-year-old boy's first band. Right. Yeah. There you go. Blast of silence. But I'm convinced. I'll check it out. Or their first EP maybe.

Right, right. Okay, this is something we talked a little bit about when we reviewed the movie. But I think there's a little movement and I'd like to be on the ground floor. Is Die Hard? No, sorry, I'm not going to do that. Psych.

I think there's a little movement brewing for showgirls is a Christmas movie. What? So there are Christmas trees in the background of much of showgirls. It could just be they were filming it in Vegas at Christmas and some of that is just in the background.

I did not notice that at all. Multiple scenes you have Christmas stuff up and around in show girls. And, you know, thematically, it's about family It's about family falling apart. It's about, you know. Is it? Yeah.

I'm stretching here. I think you could make the case that Nomi Malone is on a redemption arc. Well, I think that you could make the case that all people come from people and what are people but family. Yes. So I don't know. Like any movie could be Christmas if you think about it. And you know who else was a child? The Lord.

Thank you. Yes. The Lord was a child. child you know who else like to eat dog food no but what came first the child or the lord i mean what i have not dived deeply into the idea of showgirls as a christmas movie but i'm not mad at it and and now that you mention this yes i do recall there are some scenes where it's happening there's a shopping sequence you know which is a love it a favorite in christmas movies i don't i don't tend to get very like argumentative about it like i will die on the hill that yes diehard is a fucking

Christmas movie, but like, you know, I've had people say, oh, well, you know, in our house, we watch The Sound of Music every year, so we think of that as a Christmas movie. And I'm like, right? Knock yourself out. It doesn't, I'm not going to take that from you as being like one that doesn't count. And somehow my favorite things has become a carol. Like it has made, it is, it pops up on a lot of people's Christmas albums now because I guess it mentions snowflakes and packages.

Yeah. So, yeah. So like, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to be strict about like, that is and that is a But in this book, I definitely try to widen the window of what people might think of as being a Christmas movie, you know, like a film like The Lion in Winter, which is mainly, you know, Catherine Hepburn and Peter O'Toole like yelling at each other and politically outmaneuvering each other. It is set entirely at Christmas. And it's like, and what is a package wrapping, but that neckerchief thing that Catherine Hepburn is wearing? Yes, right. It's a bow for a human.

A gift to a soul. I, like, cornholio myself, I just look like her from a line in winter. And I'm like, and I'm like, same. How often do you cornholio yourself? Listen, I am by myself so much. I want you to know that I have, I mean, I have a 3D printed little lizard thing that I play with here. Like, I, it's just, I got, I got nothing but time to pull up a piece skirt over my head, baby. If you're looking for, if you're looking for a Christmas gift for Emily, she needs some teepee for her bug hole.

Well, yeah, this is, this is great. We're so excited to have you here to talk about the Christmas toy, the 1986 Henson TV special. Now, let's go around the horn. Emily, you were stumping pretty hard for this one. Is this a favorite in the Fleming House? No, I'd never watch this before. I saw it. spoken about in a TikTok

and I think I shared it with you guys because it is free in multiple capacities like people have uploaded it to death which makes me feel like it's okay to watch we do not condo you know we don't endorse the idea of watching things free with ads illegally that's not something we do

but the fact that I watched it nice and legal on Pluto okay I watched it free with library card on a canopy there you guys are so great. I didn't do that. But it's just... I went into the tube and typed it in.

It's like I just don't think that Disney is coming for any residuals on this movie. I just don't think they're going to go, hey, wait a minute. So it's been uploaded so many times that I feel like wherever you can watch it, just watch it. But I saw it in a TikTok and they were saying that, oh, well, Toy Story, clearly, like either it was, you know, parallel thinking but this was 86 toy stories is many years later and the I mean the parallels are pretty crazy but I do think toy story you know they they took it and made a home run with it store story we are not we are not saying oh no huge toy story but remake the things that don't work I've always said is the should be yeah yes that's a good way of putting it I think that

toy story took a lot of things from this idea which I think a lot of kids think about the idea that your toys are alive and they sure you know that kind of thing the minute you turn your back yeah yeah but it's like they took it and they did something totally different with it but it's pretty close Alonzo had you seen this before

and do you know anything about the legacy of this movie other than the toy story thing I had been asked to do it a couple years ago on one of William Bibiani's podcast I can't remember now which one but that was the first time I had ever seen it and yeah

I mean like there's this whole you could go down a whole real rabbit hole of like specifically Disney Christmas stuff you know I mean sorry Jim Henson Christmas stuff rather because you've got this you've got Emmett Obron and a chug band Christmas you've got the

the Muppet family celebration whatever the one where they're all in one big house and it's the only time you ever see the Muppet Show Muppets and the Sesame Street Muppets and the Fragles all in the same show Oh crap I don't even know about this Yeah, and it's one of those weird Like there's some sort of rights issue thing

So like you have to go to somebody uploaded it on YouTube to see it in its entirety Yeah, you gotta go to XNXX.com or something Exactly, yes In case y'all were wondering, that's my site In the children's movie section of porn hamster They got all kinds of stuff It's ghub.com

This does dovetail though into a thing that I am obsessed with, which is I can spend hours on YouTube looking at Christmas commercials of like the 70s and 80s. Oh, sure. They just like, because it's, you've got 60 seconds to get people in the mood, you know?

And so they're just like slamming you with all the lighting and the trees and the family togetherness and whatever else. It's, you know, it's a, it's a whole subset of filmmaking. And this show, as you alluded to, had some very memorable holiday spots that I've seen many more times than I've ever watched or

will watch the Christmas toy. Let's actually, I was going to save it for the middle. Let's actually talk about that now because we're already kind of talking about it. So this movie, and Alonjo, correct me if I'm wrong about anything, you sent me this wonderful YouTube link of the commercials that aired during this movie when it played on TV. And this was sponsored by Kraft, the processed cheese company and they had a line of they had like a product called the tv guide cookbook no no no no no here's what happened so okay back in ye olden days of television it was not uncommon for like you know the alcoa aluminum hour the Chevy showcase whatever thing so but one of the last vestiges the Flintstone presented by Winston cigarette exactly but like so you had

Hallmark Hall of Fame you know and those would air like like four times a year and hallmark all of the ads during that movie would be hallmark and they would be longer and they would be tear jerkers and it would be a whole thing about like oh my kid sent me this card and you know and then craft would do the same thing they would not just like take out ads during a show they're like this hour is ours baby dude i think that's brilliant i think that's really smart so the whole thing was like all right we this show is presented by us every time we cut to commercial, it's going to be us talking about our thing. And then what we're going to do is we're going to create these commercials that will only air during this special. And the week

that the special runs, we will run all the recipes for the crap that we make in these commercials in TV Guide magazine. And 40 years later, I'm hungry for cheese on some apples. Like, I want them. I want it. Matt, we have a little bit of this cute up in this in this YouTube video, Would you play a little bit of this so people who get the vibe? Create this festive sandwich tray for giving and start with Velvita processed cheese spread slices. There's no single cheese like it. Arrange with hands and pepper rings and add a special holiday spread of chopped vegetables and parquet margarines. A beautiful way to give the season's best.

Craft TV special recipes are in TV Guide magazine. Celebrate the season with cratch. My favorite thing is there's... No single cheese like it. And it's like, of course not. You're not cheese. They don't say it's cheese. You're a cheese product.

It is quite unlike actual cheese. There was a time when they would advertise the processed nature of food. Like nowadays, it's like, you know, disgusting. You want organic. Everything is organic. But back then, they were like, not only is this cheese, this is fake cheese made with science. I think it is also legally they had to call it there. Yeah, I think that legally they would be like,

we have to call it that, and they just do it. Now they're like, fuck you, we're just going to say whatever. You try to stop us. And I hope people caught this, but in that recipe, I think they suggest pairing the cheese slices with peppers chopped up in margarine. Yeah, good. I like that. I want to die at 40, so I like that.

I will tell. you this. As a kid, I thought it was so disgusting when there was like a big piece of cream cheese with pepper jelly over it and crackers. But now, oh my God, I fantasize about it. Let me at them. I let me at it. Yeah. These ads are like they're trying to give you this idea of like this is fine home entertaining. Yes. Yes. Like you've really, your guests will appreciate the effort that you put in by mixing like chopped apples and miracle I will say this all of those

ads the house that like 80s 90s like Christmas parties there's nothing more decadent looking. Yeah because remember when we had a middle class? We had a middle class but remember when we had houses that were made of beautiful wood oh yeah and like and everything it's like they still preserved old houses that were made in the early

1900s and we were like we can keep living in these we'll just we'll just keep them around and take care of them and whatever buy a bunch of shaker furniture instead of living in a a lego cube by a ikea that we've made everything else into but yeah there's always the piano yeah what's that for piano in a fireplace yeah um hey uh the house in this uh in this special very decadent as well sure we're getting some of the details let's actually talk about what happens in the Christmas toy we start very strong Kermit dressed as Santa

you love it when a Muppet is dressed as something it's great he's kind of the he's the narrator he pops up twice but he's letting us know we're about to see the story of the Christmas toy the guy that we want to see throughout the movie is like I'll be here at the beginning

I'm gonna book in it and I don't want to get ahead of things here I know you guys but I would deign to say that Kermit a Santa has the best hat. Oh, that's right. I know. The worst hat.

There we go. Thank you very much. We'll say it's the best. It's a hat. I don't know of any other hats in it, so it is the worst and the best. It's all the hats. It's all hats. We are in the home of the Jones family, and wouldn't you know it, when the Jones family

go out of the room, their toys come to life. And all the toys are all hens and creations are all these wonderful little puppets that all seem to have lives and backstories. Recognizable voices, too. I'd say that there's definitely the guy who voices Gonzo. Oh, yeah. Gonzo's all over this.

Dave Gilles. Easily, that's the voice of Gonzo. But yeah, it's like how Kermit kind of sounds like Miss Piggy. Or sorry, it's how Miss Piggy kind of sounds like Yoda because it's Frank Oz. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Steve Whitmire, who's the voice of Mew, is the post-Henson Kermit. Oh.

Fun facts. Well, we don't usually have fun facts on the show. We like to know nothing about it going in and nothing about it going out. We like to make wild guesses. That's a new sting. Only fun fact. This is true. We'll do my best to respect your ways here.

Yeah. Anyway, so the rule in this toy room, which don't think too hard about it or else you'll go crazy, is that if you are seen outside the toy room moving around, you are frozen. You die. Ever. In a state of toy death, a kind of a coma state. You're a forever corpse. Right.

You're still a functional toy. You can still be played with. But you can't move. And you know the Pixar's like, okay, we're getting rid of that. Yeah, I know. I love that that was the one thing that were just like, we're going to do this exact thing except no toy death. How about that?

Well, I mean, what are the consequences in Toy Story? Is there ever a consequence spoken of if they get caught? What the reality is or why they don't want to be. I guess just that's toy, you know, toy code. That feels like the final toy story. Right. They all get caught. We kill them.

They just go. We can talk, motherfucker, and then they're like, ah! And we're taking over. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I don't hate it. I don't know. Planet of the toys.

Honestly, that feels right for right now. It's Planet of the Toys. And then later, and then, yeah, an astronaut comes to Earth and sees a giant statue of liberty shaped like Barbie. Made up Lego. Yeah, you maniacs. Exactly. You did it. You made a glamorous.

I will say that I've talked about this before, but my biggest. fear of the afterlife is that we can still feel everything, but we're stuck in our decomposing bodies. That'd be bad. Yeah. Now I have that in my head. This movie is my greatest fear. It's like that, but a cat's chewing on you.

Yeah, I mean, we can only hope. And every 20 minutes, somebody starts talking about Parmesan cheese that keeps on the shelf. Right. It's processed. Add Parmesan cheese to whiskey and chewing tobacco. Anyway, so Rugby the Tiger, as we mentioned, sounds a little bit like our buddy Gonzo.

He was last year's Christmas toy, and he has beautiful memories of being unwrapped on Christmas and being the main toy. A bunch of other fun toys in the playroom, which has a fireplace. I know. No one's paying attention. I got to say,

I know. This playroom is so decadent. And, like, it's, I love it because it's messy, but the amount of toys in there, this is the 80s, 90s kid fantasy. That dollhouse, that is, like, there's a dollhouse that they all kind of hang over. You don't really get to see it, but I know that it's one of those dollhouses that you could open up. Like, you could pull it open and it would be like, oh, it's so cool. And it's a brother and sister. And it's cool that they're like, oh, we share all the toys.

Like, the brother doesn't get a favorite toy. Fuck him. it's like all we care about is the little girl's favorite toy which we meet you know his his favorite toy from the year prior to rugby which is a doll that looks a lot like my American girl doll oh yeah I called her girl chucky throughout girl chucky and you know if you look at my doll I've heard that I've heard that about her Emily you're kind of girl chucky

thanks Matt but I'm giant but yeah my favorite thing is you had a Full-on American Girl doll. And then the thing that took her out of the running as best toy is a stuffed tiger. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, kids be like that. It's like, I mean, like, leave it to a mediocre man to come up and. I think she's supposed to be more in the strawberry shortcake realm. Yeah, but a stuffed tiger toy, like he doesn't even have a little button that you push to go rar or nothing.

I kind of was wondering if she and Chucky are both supposed to be my buddy dolls, which I think they were. We're both supposed to be, I think, my girl buddy. Maybe, but I mean, there's a million dolls, like, that have happened, like, you know, baby what's herself, like, all that shit. Like, it's the... And unlike Toy Story, everything here is not copyrighted. That's right. Yeah, kind of interesting. They had no license.

Not even the movie. We watched, you can watch it for free anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't know. It's the wrong theme. It's generic toys, but it's all reminiscent of something. Right.

I find rugby to be the most unremarkable toy. and the ego on this unremarkable tool. I know, it's crazy. All the more crazy it is. So, yes, as we mentioned, rugby is determined to be the Christmas toy again this year. And he goes out to, like, get under the Christmas tree so he can be the Christmas toy. And so they send Ditz the clown, who is this very cute and dumb clown out to like. He's so funny.

So he takes it upon himself to, like, go out and look. for rugby. Yeah. And then one of the grown-ups sees him, and he freezes and dies. And they take him, they put him on a little, like, ambulance thing to pull him out. And I'm like, she still works as a toy. They can still play with them. Right.

Yeah. Why are you hiding? His limp corpse. Yeah. Just play with the limp. Kids don't even know he was alive to begin with. Just, you know. I guess it would kind of suck, though, if, like, every time the kid left and everyone

reanimates, you're surrounded by a bunch of dead toys, you know? And I, there's a talking. phone and the phone is first instinct is to make a phone joke it's like the colored on the other line cannot come to the phone i'm like phony yeah this is this is not the time for phone in thank you phoned it in phone he would have loved that phony would have loved that um and so there's as we mentioned there's mew who's a cat toy now i like that wrinkle is that the cat's toys also come Truly cool. It's a great idea.

You know what that means? I don't think that what? That means the sex toys also come along. Just a butt plug coming out. Only if they have faces. I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying. There are some weird sex toys that I see advertised on Instagram that it's like a full weird alien like arm.

Yeah, people are into all sorts of things these days. It's like not even very, I don't know. Thalic? It feels not hard enough to get in there. Sure, sure. You know what I mean? Yeah, here's a letting a marshmallow into a parking meter. It looks like it's just laxadaisical.

Well, hey, sometimes, listen, sometimes an alien arm has a couple drinks. Yeah, right. Don't judge it. Yeah, it's on some new medication. I got up early early today. Yeah. As soon as the kids and the adults, leave the room, all the toys come alive,

and then a giant real doll crashes through the closet. Like the Kool-Aid man? Oh, yeah. Clean me. They can't talk because their mouth's always open. Oh, and all I don't walk.

I should think of my truth. Merry Christmas, everyone. Ork the her olden. Anyway. We are never, ever going to have an advertiser I don't want to want to work. Now, Severn't foot with a vagina on it. I don't know you guys ever seen one of those.

It's just a silicon foot, but it's got a pussy on it. People are into weird things these days. Anyways, Jim Henson. If I had a pussy on my foot, I would still not have a good score on WikiFeet. I guarantee it. And never leave the house? Never read the comments. Never read the comments.

Are you kidding? It's all I have left. Plug the podcast on WikiFee. Can you hold up Oh, that's a good point. I don't know. Can you take a, just brainstorming here. Can you take a picture of the Tootsies and maybe hold the phone with the podcast on it near them?

Or I don't know. On my feet. Yeah. Or you guys put out socks as merch and then. And then we can wear them for a little while. And then we do a month of Quentin Tarantino films. I mean, I don't know. If you think about it, socks are Christmasy.

because stockings are. Oh, there we go. They are. Our socks and clearly, Santa has a foot thing. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He just goes in to smell them from kids.

Honestly, because if you think about it, stockings. They often put a new pair of socks in the stocking. It's like, motherfucker, I have socks. Yeah, I'm hanging them over the fire. So, as we mentioned, I think the most, so already, we got some, you know, we have the general premise of Toy Story. of the toys come into life. But here's where the similarities get to...

The similarities are getting a little similar. Actionable? Yes. Lawsuit worthy. Yeah. So the new toy under the tree that Rugby goes to take the place of is Meteora, Queen of the Asteroids. And she... There's asteroids on her, that's for sure.

Yes. So she is a space toy, not unlike a certain... Mr. Lightyear. She's from space, and like Buzz Lightyear, she still think she's in her narrative, right? Like whatever she's from, whatever TV show or movie she's from, she thinks she's in.

So she's doing like space pattern to all the toys. And yes, how do we describe Meteora's look? It looks a lot like me from Good Mythical Evening. I'm going to tell you that. Oh, yeah. She's purple.

Marlorella melted in a fire. That's how I just, describe myself on Hinge. So, yes. And I think, and I think Matt, Matt, you're certainly on to something. She is mother. She ate and left no crumbs.

She's iconic. Slay queen. Slay queen. It's the house down. Okay, wait, remake this with Megan as the toy. Oh, shit. Dude. Remake it with Megan.

I love it. And then, so yes. But also I think. And she conspires to have the toys get seen so they die. Oh, Megan's murdering the other toys by, like, pushing them out into the hall. Exactly. Get seen. And then doing the splits for some reason.

It's Megan. To work, like... Get that beer catchphrase from now on. It's Megan. That's Megan. It killed your daughter. It's Megan. That's so Megan.

So Meteora Queen of the Asteroids. And yes, we've danced around it a bit. Two giant, perfectly. circular breasts perfectly circular real shiny that you would give to any tween girl for christmas of course yes instant body image issues well here's the thing i as someone who has you know x-men action figures that are the same size as that doll the breasts are crazy and i've never like i've never had an issue with it it never bothered me because they also have like big muscles they're very strong like this character is

tough big strong lady but because it's silver and polished yeah there's no matte silver paint on this it is like they went somebody went and then like took a claw like wiki wiki like really shine those fuckers she's got literal torpedoes right crazy it's crazy i bet they have to put those through like you know tarnishing polish and stuff like it's crazy and and i get why for narrative reasons, but like, this doll would come in a box. Like, she would be in a meteor or a box with, like, a big, you know, cellophane front and stuff and the little twist ties and back. They just throw her in a box with tissue paper like she's a sweater from a department.

You sound like, you sound like Pixar's lawyers who are explaining why it's not similar. But I appreciate that level of authenticity because that is how kids, I mean, like, Even in 1986, a kid watches like, really? That's just in a box? Of course. The tissue around it? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know what craft paid to have this made, but maybe they didn't have, maybe not the deepest pockets on the cheese people. Velvita Meteora. It's just like she's a, what was it? What was her name? Meteora. Meteora.

Meteorah, queen of the asteroids, are full legal name. Yeah. I think we could have done a craft thing. She should come out of the box. Meteor, a queen of the processed asteroids. It would have been queen with a K. Product. Oh, yeah.

By the way. Take me to give you the product, of course. Meteors are not asteroids, so. Yeah, names a little confusing. Wait. Wait, what's the difference? She was named for her mother's friend. Oh, okay, that's fair.

That's fair. Right. An asteroid is an object in space, while a meteor is a streak of light. Hmm. Yeah. But wait, if a. So a meteor doesn't land, it's like asteroid can land somewhere, but meteors are like, fuck off, I just go where I want?

Yeah, it's like the difference between like a hunk of rock that's sort of, you know, circling around the asteroid belt, for example, and something that is, it's like the light streaking from the, from it entering the atmosphere. Holy shit. This is the first time I've heard that, Matt. This is the most fact-filled episode we've ever done. What's happening? We're starting to, like, sound smart. We're going to get a sponsor. I just want to let you all the phone.

Next week we'll talk about comets. Oh, shit. I didn't even think about comets. I could be wrong about everything I just said. I don't know. It sounds right. I asked crock. Listen, Matt, if you're wrong, if you're wrong, 30 nerds will let you know.

I can't wait to be fucking inundated with, oh, no. Oh, please, Reddit, do it. Go fucking nuts. Do it on the maximum fun, like, Reddit. Please treat us like shit on that Reddit. There you go. It'll make us come to you. So, rugby, he kind of like tricks meteor, and then he gets in the box.

And girl, Chucky, remembers the year before rugby's year, where she was the Christmas toy and she cries a single tear this this doll has internal moisture that comes out through her eye it's the saddest like image just this doll crying which they held onto and ripped off in toy story too yep yep for the when she loved me yeah when somebody loved me i know can i tell you if you want to ruin your life after a breakup just put that song on repeat and it will just destroy you. Oh, I've done it. Well, look, if you want to just expedite the process of heartbreak, if you want to, like, I got dumped, it's horrible, I am ruined.

Okay, there's ripping off the Band-Aid and then there's shoving an ice pick into your own hit. They always say, feel your feelings, and I'm like, I'm going to feel them the hardest I can for exactly 48 hours and then we're going to come out of this. I just throw on, we need to talk about Bruno. That's a fun one, right? Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Bibbidi-Boo, yeah. A lot of great Disney songs for a break-up. And then it goes from

When Somebody Love Me to What is Love? Like you just go straight to that And then you're just dancing. Easy. Easy. But yeah, that song is by far the saddest song along with whatever Billy Elish's song that she did for the Barbie movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, that one ruined my life. Like, it feels like that takes away. that is definitely inspired by when somebody love me because it's the same level of sadness and they're both about female toys. Toy-based sadness.

Another thing that separates this movie from Toy Story is that the Toy Story has just a couple of songs that are Randy Newman's songs and they're fabulous. This one is mostly songs. Yeah, we haven't even mentioned that. All terrible.

They're pretty bad. They're not super memorable. I can't even remember what they sound like. Dog shit. Yeah. Um, so yeah, there's, there's, there's some songs. Uh, great running gag in this, speaking of Barbie. So they have, there's a Barbie analog.

It's the closest thing to like a recognizable brand. And she never joins the adventure because she can't pick out an outfit. And she's always changing outfits and she has a little like commando outfit that she puts on. Anyway, great. I use that as an excuse not to do much too. Right. We just get a little commando outfit.

Like, well, I'm not dressed for it. I can't help you move. I don't, I can't buy my pants. So kind of while all this is going on, while the dolls are crying and thinking about how nothing lasts forever, dad starts to come in. Now, I think he is the tallest person in the movie.

Oh, tallest guy. Oh, Jordan. But Mew saves them by making cat noises and the dad thinks all the ruckus was just the cat. The hero of the whole movie, by the way. Yes. They shit on him for smelling like cat. throughout the whole movie, but he saves, he saves the day.

Can we talk about the cat? Oh, sure. I wrote down the cat's name. It's Ouija, Ouija the cat. And Vichy the cat. They're big fans of 1940s photography. Yeah, Ouija the cat, still alive and running a great little teak bar in Palm Springs. It's a good little chunky, like tabby cat.

I like that cat. He's great. I do think it's interesting because that cat definitely knows that these toys come to life. like has to know because cats have good ears this is what they listen for well like

and again but the like the logic of when they get seen will drive you insane if you think about it because you're like right is it does the cat count and also like

the parents see these toys all the time like yeah the idea is like when do they freeze I don't know the idea is that not only can they can't see you move

but they can't see you in a place you're not supposed to be right so it's like I guess that's why they never leave the playroom because anybody not paying attention thinks, oh, well, they're in the same place. But do they ever explain, I was, I missed it this time.

Yeah. Do they ever sit down and tell rugby, hey, dummy, if you put yourself in this box and she sees you, not supposed to be there, you will die. Okay, good, good, good. But I mean, like, he didn't care if he died or not.

He was, it was kind of wild. He was like, I don't care if that would be the Christmas toy. I mean, this movie is about Hollywood. Absolutely. For sure. Like show girls. Like show girls, which is also a Christmas movie, The Prestige, which isn't a Christmas movie as far as I know. Yeah.

But I will say that, I mean, that house, those kids are, I don't know how old those kids are, but maybe the mom has menopause. So she won't remember why those toys are there. Also, toys, if you have kids, are always in the. wrong spot that's yeah so i was underfoot i don't know how they could yeah how could they know why do they die nothing makes sense we had to lift the stakes i guess it was just you know add some stress to the movie yeah okay so we are almost to the thrilling and tear jerking and nonsensical conclusion of the christmas toy and we're going to talk about it right after this We're back. It's free with ads. We're here with Alonzo Duralde, author of Have Yourself, a movie Little Christmas in stores now, makes a great gift. Okay. So we think we think that means that me.

the cat toy has died and rugby rugby needs to apologize so he like leaves the room again and just talks to mew's corpse and uh and he sings mew a song where he says like you're my friend and i love you and mew wakes up and rugby says where this is fucking chilling yes he says where were you he's like i was in a place that seemed like no place it was very dark and very cold he was

in hell. They go to hell. It's crazy. I actually have this clip because I was so like, here it is. For kids. It was someplace else. But it was like no place. And it was very dark

and cold. Suddenly it wasn't so dark. And then it was a lot warmer. And then I moved. Why was it a lot warmer? Right. Okay, it just occurred to me, do you know what has stolen the idea of the dead person being brought back by somebody else's lamenting song? No. What?

Rent, which is also a Christmas movie. Wow. Right. Write a fucking book about this. The cat toy is angel. Oh, you're right. Will we find out that Mew has AIDS? Oh, no, Mew.

Today for you. They cut the AZT. T-break number Right, yeah, yeah, sure. Well, I will say, so I don't know if y'all have seen Skinnamarink. That was a... I can't. I know.

So I saw it. I'm probably, it's a very polarizing movie, but there is, the whole movie is essentially dread and it makes you feel like what it was like before you were born. Right. And what you will most likely go to after you die. And I definitely posted that on Twitter and the filmmaker confirmed it. I'm sorry. I'm definitely not watching.

Don't do it. Don't get stoned and watch it, by the way. Absolutely not. But that little mouse toy coming back, that is kind of, I think, what we're all afraid it is. But if a stuffed tiger cries hard enough, we will come back to life.

And wouldn't you fucking know it? It also brings the clown back to life. So everything's fine. No one dies ever. Relax kids. Well, it took leadership. Death is a lie. Well, I think there's some kind of messaging that maybe it was intentional or maybe not,

but there is something about how leadership is more important than favor maybe and how like you can utilize your favor or like, you know, popularity or whatever to help others instead of seeking more favor. Yeah. And that's kind of what... Glory shared is better than. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

So it's like, you know, and it's this generational thing where the doll, whose name we don't remember because fuck her. And this... Chiquette. Because she was the oldest one.

Like, she was a couple years ago. We don't have to remember everybody. Well, I'm kidding. The bear is the oldest oldest one. Yeah. The bear, it was fantastic. I needed more about the bear. I needed more about the bear. I loved it because he was just like, oh, you know,

haven't been to the living room in so long. And I was like, oh, someone, someone just kill this bear. I know. It's like, I guess the toy's age. The cat's been peeing on me. They put me in a home and called it a playroom. But it is like this poor cat toy. Also, get that cat another toy.

Oh, they do get the cat. They get another me, a girl mew. and so they're their friends the little girl loves Meteora and Pokemon ripped this off because that's where Mew 2 came from. That's from you and Mew too fucking everybody's stealing from this thing is the beginning, the alpha omega beginning

end. It's the Rosetta Stone. I was going to say this movie also was ripped off by saving Private Ryan. Okay, say more. Well, because rugby goes out he's like, no, I got to go and then there's a rescue party to get him and A bunch die. Everyone dies trying to rescue him.

And then Mew's last words are, Earn this. And then he dies. This is the John Carter Warlord of Mars of Christmas specials. Everybody just picked it apart for parts. It's all connected, man. It's all connected. So Meteora, the little girl loves meteorora.

I just kind of wrote down the phrase. I love you, Meteorra forever and ever, just because that was a fun phrase. Well, she doesn't love her enough. Someone wrote that. She doesn't love it enough To go sleep with her in the bed Which like every favorite toy I've ever had

Like my American Girl doll I just roll over on those tits in the night I was just to say you do not want those Wake up poking you in fire Which has made me go This little girl is kind of aging out of toys In general So everyone's kind of on the same playing field at this point

But I slept with my American Girl doll in my bed And it's why her hair is fucked To this day But like that Meteora, she ain't getting the kind of love that it's stuffed, you know, she'll get a different kind of love. Everybody, yeah. And she even says, like, I'll love you forever. Just like I love, you know, the rugby and girl Chuckie.

And so it's like, oh, okay. It made me cry. But she's already setting her up to be like to feel like a loser next Christmas when the girls comes along when the Christmas phone shows up. But that tells me she don't give a fuck. Like, something tells me, Miora's like, I don't give a fuck. But also, she's made a plastic, so it's like, try to destroy me, bitch. Like, try. I'll be in the landfill forever.

Exactly. I'm going to be poisoning the groundwater of your children's children. The microplastics in me will make your taints grow smaller. I will make you infertile, little girl. All your descendants are doomed. Yeah, it's true. Good. So yes, Meteora is part of the family now, and apparently has just figured out what being a toy is and dropped her whole space backstory. She sings a final bad, unmemorable song with the other toys. And then fucking Kermit fucking weekend dad just slides on in. You could tell he was at the bar having a couple drinks. She could smell the fucking old-fashioned on Kermit's breath.

I was going to be back for this thing. very casually says, well, looks like everything worked out here. It's like, yeah, sure. Where were you and the toys were dropping dead? Yeah, Kermit. One of these things fucking went to hell. Two Muppets died and reported back to the toys from this, the

like Jim Henson characters from this need to unionize, like stat. Kermit's got a heart out. He's got to be in Chatsworth by four, okay? Kermit can only say. Ditz was never the same again. Ditz was never, yeah. Oh my God. It's did porn after this.

Yeah. Maybe this is like an event horizon where Ditz went to hell, but something came back with him. With him. Event Horizon is another movie that makes me afraid of dying. It's Skinnamarink and Event Horizon. I love that we got both of those mentioned in the same episode. Event Horizon, also a Christmas movie. Oh, shut the fuck up.

Why not, right? I'm not going to find you on it. Sure. The ship, it went back. It went to the North Pole and it brought something back. Okay, so that is, yeah, so that's what happens in the Christmas toy. I can never remember. It's not a very memorable name.

The Christmas toy, there you go. Okay, that's what this thing's called. Now, listen, we have certain segments on this show. Usually they work pretty well. Once in a while, you have a segment, which you wish you didn't have to do, but you got to do it, or the podcast listeners will freak out. I guess we got to do the hunk watch All right, let's go

Okay, which toy did everybody I want to fuck Oh boy Mew, put it in my butt I mean come on It's Meteora 100 fucking person This is harder than when we did the land

Before time We all wanted to fuck Sharptooth right, I forget Yeah, I think it was Sharptooth or Littlefoot's dead mom I can't remember But it's I'll start

Meteorah Yes, meteorora is, yes, is an icon, iconic, she is. I will say, we only see dad's legs and ankles, but he's in pretty good shape. So I'm going to say, wiki feet is right. Yeah, the dad from the Christmas toy. I'm going to go with mostly unseen dad. Any other thoughts on the house? Can we put out a request to the fans, by the way?

We love you guys, you little freaks. The few, the proud. the freebies If you could go out and create a Wiki feat for Dad's feet from The Christmas toy Yes please

And then also Nanny for Muppet babies Yes Christmas toy and yes Please please do that for us For Christmas that's all we want My hunk for this is going to be The Melifluous Voice of Ed Hurley Telling you all about

The many fine products Oh, shit. Many fine products. Mine's Mew. Yeah. Which one was that again? The little mouse. That cat toy is the, I think that that is our real protagonist.

Like, selfless. He died, he died for rugby. Died for us. He's a Christ figure. He's the undermouse. And what Christmas celebrate but the birth of Christ. Wait, I don't think anybody is saying this isn't a Christmas movie, so never mind. This is an Easter movie.

It's not even Christmas. Oh shit, this Christmas movie is an Easter movie? The return of you. Did Jesus go to hell? Whoa. Probably for a second. Mew did. I mean, he...

His dad sends him to the hell through. It was pretty hell like. Okay, listen, so our minds are all blown. We need to take a minute to process all this wonderful new correct information. And we're going to rank the movie when we come back. We're back. It's free with ads. We're here with Alonzo Duraldi, author of Have Yourself a movie Little Christmas. It makes a wonderful gift. It is in stores now. We're going to rank the Christmas on a scale of one to ten. super loud commercials but first some exciting news um this is our first holiday episode proper in the main feed over there on the bonus feed we got something really cool coming for you yeah

over there on the bonus feed we do free with ads tv and we are doing the power rangers christmas special i'm dreaming of a white ranger christmas mild spoiler for our discussion this is the most I've ever enjoyed any power radio. Wow. It fucking rips. We're going to talk about it over on the bonus feed, maximum fun.org slash join. Alonzo, you do shows on Max Fun.

You guys have bonus episodes too. If people sign up, they get our episodes. They get your episodes. They get all the episodes. Have you done any cool stuff over there on the bonus feed that you want folks to check out? Yeah, no, we've done a lot of fun Bocos over the years. Recently, if he no waterway,

who is no longer co-hosting the show, but we, you know, still number one in our hearts. Of course. He and Stuart Wellington of the Flop House attempted to explain how to play Warcraft to Drey Clark and me. And to this day, we still don't know what any of it meant. But, you know, they were very enthusiastic about it. So that was cool. I'm sure.

And I got the guest on a Eurovangelist's Boko episode where I showed them the not exactly the Eurovision Song Contest movie, the Apple. And all minds were blown. Okay, hot damn, maximum fun.org slash join. All right. We're going to rank the Christmas toy on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. Alonto, you're our guest. You're a Christmas movie expert. What do you think of the Christmas toy?

I mean, look, I grew up steeped in Muppet Ness, you know. Like I was part of the original audience for Sesame Street. The Muppet Show came on when I was a little. kid, you know, saw the Muppet movie in theaters, all that stuff. This is not Apex Muppet. This is a B-side. This is a deep cut. Character design, not super on point.

And the songs, as you mentioned, are I can't remember them to save my life. So, but, you know, it is a Muppet thing. And there are like a bunch of different characters at the same time doing stuff. And I can only imagine how completely complicated it was and like how elevated the stage had to be so that people could be. standing under it doing all that stuff. Yeah. So I'll say like a six. Hey, okay.

Yeah, that's reasonable. Emily, what do you think? So I knew this was going to be bleak because I watched that, you know, the TikTok talking about it and I kind of knew what was coming. But I kind of, as somebody who is in Los Angeles pursuing this, you know, the devil's work. Yes. You know, this ain't God. country out here so it's like

you know in the in the words of our Lord whatever piece of shit Whalen whatever his name is but it's it was nice to be reminded of

it's okay to not always you know be the center of attention it's okay to just like let other people have a moment in the sun

and to you know lift others up instead of constantly trying to lift yourself up. There was kind of, it was, it was nice to look at that. It felt like something I needed to hear. Be nice to the toys you meet on your way up. There you go, yes.

It seemed like something where it's like, you know, the little guy is sometimes the best guy. And the little, the cat toy is the best. And also, I bet that toy is played with more than any other toy is the other thing. But of course, it's torture. It's not like real playing. yeah it's being murdered the play is death pretend death but you know it's something sure maybe there's some mild BDSM stuff in this movie but you know ultimately I like

the rich text it's a rich text the idea of um that just because things change and you're not at the top of something doesn't mean that there isn't life to live and I liked I liked it I'm giving it a seven I don't think children should watch it. I think it should just be yourself-centered in their late 30s who are accepting that maybe Hollywood isn't what it we thought that it would be. An allegory for show business.

Yeah, an allegory for your career being not what you thought it was. Matt, what'd you think? I, listen, I'm going to give it a five. The way I felt about it was I watched it to overcome a fear that I had of this movie when I was a kid because I saw this when I was little and

the death of Ditsy has stuck with me for a long time and I truly had forgot like I'd memory hold this movie until last week when you guys mentioned it and I was like oh my God that's real Ditsy! Ditsy! Yeah and then I watched

Ditsy die as an adult I feel better and I think I have overcome my fear So for that, I'm giving it a five. I hope we get to do the same thing with What About Bob at some point? Are you afraid of what about Bob?

One of the scariest fucking movies I've ever seen. Oh, my God. It's about a guy who won't go away. Oh, boy, you should be a woman sometime. I can't imagine. It's true. What about Bob and it follows are kind of the same movie. Mother, also kind of the same.

Yes, I'm telling you. I love imagining you, like, sitting next to your daughter's bed and just going, Pitsy. It's okay Sometimes men don't look at the toys or they'll die Jordan what do you give it Yeah thanks Matt I'm going six to

It's pretty creaky There are better Muppet holiday things out there Yeah Christmas Carol is obviously a fucking goat movie The best Christmas Carol there is Yeah oh absolutely not even not even fucking close But I think if you are like a Muppet freak like seeing the deep cut is

kind of fun like seeing all these kind of D-list forgotten never again Muppets is kind of cool and yeah I think it's it's you know it's nice and brisk it's a TV special so it's under an hour and yeah I think you could put this on for a kid who's too young to understand the fatalism of it all

and you'd have a pretty fun time so yeah I'm gonna go I'm gonna go six for the Christmas toy I mean, there's something about 80s kids, though, the resilience of 80s, 90s kids. We watched some pretty bleak stuff. We had the never-ending story. And we still turned out like selfish pieces of shit. So, you know, whatever. TV shows that existed only to sell you toys.

Of course, yes. And cheese in this case. Yes. Toys and cheese. I feel like Christmas is the cheese season. Like what other, you can't eat cheese in the summer. No, that's true. That's not a summer food.

It is a winter food. Yeah. Listen, we could sit here in debate all night, whether cheese is a winter food or a summer food. It'd be a good use of everyone's time. But we want to do some plug-in. We want to hear a little bit more about have yourself a movie Little Christmas and anything else you want to talk about, Alonzo. Sure, yeah. So it is, again, my revised and updated film guide.

Look for the beautiful new red cover. I'm much more happy with the way it looks now than the one the first did. and it's anywhere you buy books. I'm finding in talking to other authors that, you know, bookstores are not always on top of what's going on. So if you want to get it online, get it online. It's cool. It's great. And, you know, that way you're guaranteed to find the thing.

But wherever you buy books or wherever library you go to, like ask for it by name, please check it out. And hey, why not listen to my podcasts? My husband, Dave White, and I have been doing Linolium Knife for 50. years. We're both film critics and we review new movies. You can also hear me on Breakfast All Day on YouTube with Chrissy Lemire, right here on The Maximum Fun Network on Maximum Film with Kevin Avery and Drea Clark. And I pop into Deck the Hallmark periodically to talk about Christmas movies there as well. I am Alonzo. Dot Duraldi on Instagram, A Durraldi on Blue Sky and the easiest person on Earth to Google.

Okay. Emily, anything to plug? I'm going to always plug flam gems, especially for the holidays. My little jewelry store that I have on Etsy, I'm hoping to start a Squarespace store. I know Etsy, there's some AI content. We're all a little worried about that. But please don't penalize the small businesses and creators that exist on there because there's nowhere else for them to go on platforms and stuff. So it's the holiday season, a little bit.

Let's give people some grace. But I'll be on there. I am planning to, if you want to email me at Flemley Gems at Gmail, I'm very interested in your small businesses that exist on Etsy or anywhere else. And I would love to do some fun little posts and ads. So if you could send me a link to what you're doing, I might want to post about it. So please do that. All right.

Flem gems for all your holiday jewelry needs. Matt Lee, anything got... Get it? Get it? Yeah. Oh, don't mind if I do. You know what I was going to do. I'm just making noises.

Okay. Everyone, go to the Ice House on December 13th, 2025. And see me do some stand-up. I'll be there at 730. That's what time the show starts, I believe. And the link will be in the description. Okay. Speaking of links, I got a hot new link people should check out.

Have you guys heard about this hot new link? Have you guys heard about bit.ly slash cool fight? Bit.ly slash cool fight? No. What's that link again? Bit.L.Y slash cool fight. That's the one. Okay, you remember the link.

I'm going to circle back to that link. Remember the name. Okay. Marvel Comics. They've just announced a new Predator, Comic Minis series. drawn by a bunch of talented folks who you know from the X-Men comics and written by me, Jordan,

a guy you know from this podcast. It is called Predator Bloodshed. It is a five-issue Predator comic miniseries coming out February 25th. It is a predator story set in the world of an underground fighting tournament much like Mortal Kombat. We don't have the license,

so it's a Mortal Kombat-like tournament with the Predator. Kind of feels like Wolverine should exist in there, though, got to say. But, I mean, you know, Predator has fought the Wolverine somewhere else. What? I know. Oh, Meteorology. Can we get the license to Meteora?

Of course you can. It is not copyrighted. Right. Meteorra is public domain. She can fight Winnie the Pooh in one of those weird horror movies. But no, Predator Bloodshed. It's five issues. It comes out February 25th.

You can put it on your poll. at your local comic book store. This is my first mini-series with Marvel. It is very exciting. I love The Predator. He's our favorite thick guy, our favorite Hear Me Out. And you can get it at your local comic book store,

or you go to bit.ly slash cool fight, and you can get all five issues delivered to your house and autographed by me. We're doing it through a cool store called Collectors Paradise, Bit.L.L.S. Cool fight. You pre-order it. Collectors Paradise will ship them right to you. Signed by me.

Okay. Alonzo, thank you so much for being here. You're the coolest. We appreciate your facts. My very great pleasure. Lovely to hang out with you guys. And seriously, I don't even have to do with the honor of being your first repeat guest. I hope it happens again. Yes, of course.

I think that maybe Christmas is your time, you know? It might be, maybe it's Alonzo time. Your time to shine. All right, Alonzo, you should lock yourself into six other episodes this year. Yeah, Alonzo, thank you so much for being here. And, of course, tune in next week when our movie will be Santa Jaws. maximum fun a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you