Free With Ads - Twilight (Live at San Francisco Sketchfest 2025)

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

This week we did our first ever live Free With Ads podcast at SF Sketchfest! Join Matt, Emily, Jordan, and special guest comedian Shanna Christmas as we talk about the movie Twilight, live at the San Francisco Punch Line comedy club.Follow Shanna on instagram!Emily Fleming is on cameo now!Matt Lieb's sister's house burned down in the Altadena fire. If you can, please donate to her GoFundMe.Jordan has a story in an issue of Marvel Comics Spiderman, it's called Web Of Spiderverse which comes out on March 5th and you can pre-order it RIGHT HERE! So do it!Also, Jordan contributed to Godzilla vs LA, a comic book anthology which comes out April 30th and all the proceeds will go to those affected by the LA fires. 

You're about to hear the first-ever free with ads live show from the punchline comedy club in San Francisco as part of SF Sketchfest a quick audio note We had a little glitch with Matt's mic early in the show So it'll sound a little weird for a couple of minutes, but it does get fixed So thank you for bearing with us and before we start I'll mention that the show contains a mention of suicide So if that's not something you want to hear about, we're going to play a little music and give you a chance to find another episode. OK, see on the other side. Get a second wind!

Get a second wind and clap more! Thank you guys for being here! Hey! This is so cool. Yeah, before we start the show officially, elephant in the room, Emily, do we want to explain the clothes? Well, we've never seen this movie before. The movie being Twilight. So yeah, the movie is Twilight. We just assumed it would be this kind of movie.

So we got the costumes in advance. And I thought, so- We are all different vampires. This is Nosferatu. People will be listening to this and there's something visual going on. Yeah, exactly. I'm dressed as, you know, Gary Oldman, Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Thank you. I am Nosferatu. And Jordan, what the fuck are you? I totally misunderstood. I am wearing my Cape Cod cardigan because I thought we were supposed to dress like we were in Vampire Weekend. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's our guy. There will be a Godzilla screech throughout the show. Oh, 100%.

Yes. Yes, but joke bombs. Just play Godzilla. That's a great idea. OK. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's start the show. Yes. This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question, why pay 20 bucks to see Nosferatu

in theaters when you could go online for free and watch an erotic vampire movie that may not have sex or nudity, but does contain many, many, many scenes of people silently staring at each other and making faces like they just did a wet shark. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Twilight, the vampire romance phenomenon with the perfect soundtrack for slamming the door while yelling, I hate you, Craig. You're not even my real dad. With us always is super producer, Matt Hinton, us with those beautiful sparkly drops. Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick, hot blood.

What was that from? I'll suck your dick out of blood. What was that from? I'll play it again. Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick out of blood. So it's from your house. It's just a video I saw on the internet of a guy. He had a Dracula filter on, and he said,

Happy Halloween, don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick. I mean blood. Boy, not to tip our hand what we thought of the movie, but I wish we'd watched that video instead of this movie. I would watch that video for two hours straight on loop rather than watching this piece of shit. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we get into this, are there Twilight fans here? Of the movie of the movie?

All right. Not no, not the books. Not the time of day. Oh, sure. Yeah, the magic hour. We want you to know that we don't want to like yuck your nut. Your what we don't want to nut your yum. We want to nut your num. I don't want to nut your num num. We don't want to nut your cum. I may't wanna nut your num nums. We don't wanna nut your cum. Maybach. I may have to take these fucking teeth out because I'm not gonna talk right.

Yeah, if you love this movie, you're not dumb. No. Yeah, we love a lot of bad stuff. Just not this. Oh no, I love a lot of bad stuff. I loved that, what, 2000s Dungeons and Dragons mess. I loved that. Sure, yeah. and Dragons mess. I love that. Yeah. So it's fine but just know this is we we are gonna we love you brutalize

this movie. I'm so sorry. Also I think important for the for the folks at home the folks listening at home when we asked are there any Twilight fans a lot of people went woo but an equal number of people went eh. Just people who felt the need to go audibly, eh, eh. One guy pointed a gun at me. It was crazy, I guess he really didn't like it. No, but a lot of people who like this were not saying you're dumb for liking it. Please don't take offense, we didn't like it,

but we understand you were young. You were young, dumb, and yuck, you're young. You know what I mean? Maybe some of you have had head trauma. Yeah. That's... Um... Or have never felt your genitals before.

Yeah. This movie is written... I couldn't feel mine the whole movie. The movie is written by someone... Dry. ...who has never fucked but likes the idea of sex. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, saw a drawing of fucking women and decided to write a movie. Yeah, this is like, this is what I would think sexy is back when I used to draw naked women with the pussy right here. In the bellybutt? I didn't know.

Well, hey, we're going to talk about this movie a lot. This movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads. But first, we want to welcome our wonderful guest live here at the beautiful Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco, California, part of SS Sketch Fest. We've got stand-up comedian and one of the stars of Pluto TV, Shawna Christmas.

Give her a hand, everybody. Welcome. Shawna, I know we didn't tell you about the costumes, so I took the liberty of making you a, hang on on let's figure this I got sunglasses weird teeth and there's cords great are you concerned she's ready to catch you Emily is presenting Shauna with a velvet cape. Emily's lying she's got teeth going on she's got my James Brown pitman Wow! Wow.

I had to. It's too hot in the hot tub. Whatever. Ooh, a black vampire! They had one of those in that movie. And he was bad. Okay, can you put this in my weave, please? Put this in my weave. Thank you so much. Yay! Thank you, everybody.

Thank you for being here. Everyone's wonderful. This is so fun. This is my favorite. This is my Wakanda cape. It's cool. Oh, God. Don't suddenly this feels like a racist podcast. But whatever. You guys are open to it. We're just gonna see where it goes.

It's my house coat. So before we talk about the podcast, we have a wonderful guest here. We're gonna get to know them in a segment we call Talk to Guest. Talk to Guest. Wow. What's it like here in the Stings Live, everybody?

I'm Sting. Pretty wild, huh? I'm Sting. Pretty wild, huh? I'm Sting. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Who sings the songs? Me.

Ah. Woo! Brilliant. Could you imagine if we had money to pay someone else to sing the songs? Getting an actual singer to sing three syllables? I'd pay them $500 a syllable. It's really good though.

They say all the things, free width ads, fingering story. Talk to you guys. I forgot about fingering story. I'll figure out a way to get it in. Get it in. Hey! Get it in. Hey!

Get it in. Fingers. Shawna, you're a standup comedian. You have shows here at SketchFest. But you're also a health care professional. Yes. What's it like to do something useful to society? You know, it feels really great sometimes.

I imagine it does. Oh, you work at a weed store? OK. I'm looking at grandpa's balls, all right? Yeah, so tell us about the sort of health care you do I do occupational therapy do you guys know an OT crowd yes yes yes thank you thank you it sucks it's like physical therapy but it's mostly like teaching people how to get dressed after strokes and hip

replacements and knees and seeing a lot of people naked, mostly old people, I work at a nursing home. But I yell at them and that's my revenge. Yeah, you've written a book about the experience, the title of which is, You Ain't Nothin' But A Bitch With A Wig On. Correct. I will be, I read the audio book by the way.

You have to tell us where the title came from. The title came from. The title came from a patient I was working with in Harlem, New York. I travel when I do my job. I was working in Harlem and I was trying to get her to do anything. She had dementia and she pretty much told me that

to my face in front of everybody. She's dead now. Yay! Yay! Yes! Maybe, I don't know. What is the, what's the grossest thing you've ever seen at work?

Oh gosh. It's usually like balls or something. I hope everyone has their chicken fingers by now. Yeah, someone with like their mouth full right now just went, come on. You know what's really gross, honestly? It's like bed sores. Oh. Yeah.

I bet those are gross. Something about just laying in one spot for too long that your skin just goes away. Yeah. I bet those are gross. Something about just laying in one spot for too long that your skin just goes away. Wow. And your flesh. Sure. How does a professional treat a bed sore? I don't.

OK. Just don't do it. I'm like, turn the patients. Turn them. Rotisserie. Move around. That's all I can do. Your patients are like the chickens at Costco, then. It's a little bit of a And this is really cool, relevant to our podcast, which watches movies on the most bargain basement of websites, you've been on Pluto TV.

Tell us about that. I was initially supposed to be someplace else and then they put it on Pluto. It was supposed to be on Amazon. I had taped this showcase set for Coming to the Stage. It's a comedy dynamics TV show. It's been going on for seasons. I had taped this showcase set for Coming to the Stage. It's a combo dynamics TV show. It's been going on for seasons. I was like season 10, I think.

And I hated the entire process. So I've never seen it, so please don't go watch it. Well, I'm sure it'll be good. But it was supposed to be on Amazon, but then now it's on Pluto. So maybe it'll be on Tubi next. Ooh, fingers crossed. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure.

I mean, it sounds like maybe it wasn't the best experience. But I bet the set would be great, randomly interrupted by loud Draft Kings ads. Oh, okay. Yes, anyway. We know what your algorithm is. Mine's mostly AARP stuff. And I'm like, I'm not, no, like, I don't know.

Emily, have you considered catheters? Well, here's the thing. Did you know anyone could sign up for AARP? You can, I have my card. You don't have to be any age, but it does? Well, here's the thing. Did you know anyone could sign up for AARP? You can. You don't have to be any age, but it does seem like maybe it's bad karma. Well, don't you have to be retired? No.

I mean, we do a podcast. That's just enough. I guess I've been retired since I was 25. We need all the financial assistance we can get. Please buy our hat. Please buy our hat, MaxFunStore.com. Buy our hat. Well, OK. Now that we've gotten to know our guests,

I think it's time to talk about Twilight. Let's talk about this stupid ass movie. Okay, let's, so none of us had seen it before. I think we're maybe like a little bit old to where this is a phenomenon. You had, okay, oh, Matt. I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I did see this movie on my honeymoon.

No. I did. You're still married? I'm still married. Wow. I got COVID at my wedding. Oh, God. And then we went to Mexico, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I have COVID.

And so we couldn't... It was a bummer, so we just watched a lot of movies. We did have mask sex. Oh. I thought I was gonna die. I couldn't breathe. It was a bummer, so we just watched a lot of movies. We did have mask sex. I thought I was gonna die. I couldn't breathe. It was bad. But no, we watched, she picked Twilight and I picked Edge of Tomorrow.

And so, you know, that's what a marriage is. It's compromise. We watched her stupid fucking thing and my super awesome thing. If you really wanted to like prolong the love making, you could have watched Edge Till Tomorrow. Oh! That's what I thought he was gonna say.

Oh my god, the boys are having a... Boo, no, boo that everyone, boo me, I need it. No, I love that. My dad loves Twilight. Your dad? Really? Yeah. Grammy winner Mike Fleming loves Emily's Dad as a Grammy by the way.

By the way, go listen to Steel Drivers if you ever have a chance. But yeah, no, he likes anything that my, he loves Outlander. He bought a little kilt. My mom and dad are having fun. And he loves Sex and the City. And then he liked Twilight,

because I told him, we're gonna do Twilight. You getting hot? It's too hot to wear the fucking cape. All right, I ordered everything, but fuck me, right? No, I love you, I love you. Honestly, I'm hot in my soft boy cardigan, okay? So the lights are just hot here. But no, I told my dad we were gonna do this movie,

and he was like, ooh, I love Twilight. I was like, why? Like, it's so weird. Oh boy. Well yeah, let's- I can't believe I was born. Let's talk about this thing, shall we? Yes.

Okay, it opens on a shot of a deer. We hear some voiceover. This is Bella Swan. And she says, I never thought about how I was going to die. I have, I think I'll probably go choking on a boneless buffalo. Oh no. Let's go around the hoard.

How's everybody gonna die? I don't know. But I'm gonna kill some time. It was a two hour movie and at some point I said, well I never thought about it either, but 30 minutes into it I was like, I never thought about it either but I was like gun in mouth head in stove Same thoughts immediately I was like oh

Not for two hours All I'm thinking of is how I'm gonna die this movie fucking sucks unless you liked it in which case no judgment No judgment no judgment I did I did a drinking game with two of my best friends while watching this. Oh, tell us more. And I don't, my notes in the dock don't make sense. You were that drunk?

None of them, let me find one. Excuse me, I must remove my gloves. Take off her OJC. I gotta say, all this Dracula shit is not good for modern technology. She has to take off the gloves, use her phone. I have to take off the mustache because the face fucking recognition doesn't work

to unlock my phone. Well, it's true. That was funny. Also, I did get him like little, like the fingertip things. No. His fingers look crazy, but he's got to do this shit. I got to do this shit. I can't do stings. You can't do stings with the fingies. Okay, so I wrote something that says,

what's up, you little bitch? I'm in a tree. And I don't know. I don't know, maybe that'll come up. I kind of don't remember a lot of the movie, which is good for my brain, I think. I just watched it today and I've already forgotten it. And I've saw it on my honeymoon. So we meet, we meet, we meet Bella. She's leaving Phoenix and her mom and new stepdad

are putting her in the car. Did anyone notice Bella's stepdad? A one line legend. Bella's stepdad is wearing cargo shorts and his one line is, come on guys, we got a plane to catch. This guy, this guy fucking rules, he's the ultimate stepdad. I want a whole prequel where he teaches Bella how to use a propane grill.

Yes. Also, Bella's mom looks younger than all of the vampires. She's living her life. Her stepdad is the most interesting character because his job, if you don't remember or you didn't see the movie, or you didn't even know you were coming to a podcast where we're going to talk about a movie. If you're any of those things, her stepdad's job is he is a minor league baseball player.

Oh, is that what that was? Yes. I stopped paying attention to that immediately. It's so specific. I was like, I want. I stopped paying attention immediately. It's so specific. I was like, I wanna know more about that guy. But he's on the road all the time. They have to keep switching cities.

I was like, fuck the vampires. What is he doing here? Also, the vampires would love this guy. Yeah, they love baseball. They love baseball. We'll get to that. So Bella, she's leaving Phoenix and she's going to beautiful Washington,

leaving on a Southwest airline. We see that plane real close. I wonder what boarding group she was on. Oh yeah, two free check bags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Southwest. Great airline. The official airline of boring vampires.

So she gets to Washington, her dad's the chief of police and I just wanna make a point. Boo! Yes, thank you. I have written down here, ab-dab. All Bella's dads are bastards. Ab-dab, ab-dab. Ab-dab.

Ab-dab. All Bella's dads are bastards. Also she has a little cactus she's toting around with her. She's like carrying a little cactus from feet. How did she get that on the plane? She's like, she's my caret- She had a cactus? Yeah, she had a little cactus around. From Arizona, cause that's where she's coming from. I stopped paying attention, I don't even know what y'all talking about. She was on the plane? She had a cactus? Yeah, she had a little cactus around. From Arizona, because that's where she's coming from.

I'm not paying attention. I don't even know what you're talking about. She was on the South West with a cactus? Yeah, how'd she get that through customs? Is that how customs work? I don't go anywhere. I don't know. You don't go to interstate travel,

you don't go through customs. I don't know. I don't know. Southwest customs. She gets to Washington, where I guess she grew up or whatever. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. The only person not wearing a wig. Emily, we said you can't say wiggery. What? Oh. Is that bad? Should I not have said it?

Oh my God! Hit a hard R, we all heard it. It's just me and you and your boss, I don't know. Listen, I know we're in Elon Musk's hometown. I see, okay. But we can't. Listen, you can take the girl out of Tennessee. She said, let's talk about the wiggery.

Yeah! You can't take the Tennessee out of the girl. Not the Tennessee. If you're just suiting in online, I'm black. So that's why. Thank you for clarifying. Oh my God. We're listening.

All right, but seriously, the only person not wearing a wig, I think, is Anna Kendrick. And that's it. That wig, when I saw him, I was like, what is this? I was like, is this a Tyler Perry movie? I know. Also, the slutty mustache on her dad is like, yeah. The way it's like dancing right above the lip, it's like,

Jesus. It's like you should blur it out like it's a hentai pussy or something. It's so slutty. I don't know what she's talking about. Dad's got a big tentacle coming out of his mustache. No, no, no, yeah, exactly. Ah. So with Jacob, so like I hadn't seen this movie,

but you know from pop culture, this was so in pop culture at the time, you know, team Edward, team Jacob, I'm like, oh, this is the werewolf guy. They make a lot of werewolf jokes. He'll be like, I'm howlin' mad. I'm gonna wolf down a sandwich. This fucker doesn't turn into a werewolf

this whole movie. What? You gotta wait for a second movie. Ever. What? You don't even know what he is. He's just walking around with a wig on. He's just making wolf jokes.

It doesn't make any sense. I'm like, I think he's a wolf. When he turns into a wolf, does it have a little wig? Maybe. Well, I don't. I'm not gonna watch the rest. You said no, then I'm not watching the second movie. You're really short.

You have short hair? Yeah, short hair, okay. Well, that's dumb. I needed a wolf with a little pretty wig on. So then I would've watched. That's what it was missing. It's the first day of school. Bella's at a new school.

Anna Kendrick's there. I just wrote down, nice to see someone acting. Oh, can't. Oh. Sorry, it's hurting my mouth. It was hurting my mouth. I can't do it anymore. Well, you already have a mustache.

I know. Ooh, now it is a slutty mustache. You like, you're gonna strip tease with a mustache. Little burlesque reveal, ow. Sorry ladies, he's married. So Anna Kendrick's at our high school, and the weird part about this is everyone knows who she is and that she's from Arizona.

It's so crazy, everyone's just running up to her going, Arizona, you're from Arizona. You're the kid from Arizona. Arizona, nicknamed the Grand Canyon State, where the state bird is the cactus red, was officially a Mexican territory until 1848 when it ceded to the Union and became an official state in 1912, Arizona, Arizona.

I'm like, why do these people care about Arizona so much? These kids are the, it's like the nerd on top of nerd situation. My favorite thing is there's a scene in the cafeteria which oof, that ugh, I don't know, the cafeteria scenes made me want to die a lot. But there was one that's like, hey, when I'm not busy surfing the web and then this dude gets up on a chair and goes. Does a little surf move.

Like that does a little surf move and I'm like, who are these teens? Do drugs? I don't know, like something, anything. What is this? It's weird because the internet is not new. It was 2008. That's a 1994 joke. I wrote down in my notes, was the internet new?

Because these people will say, just Google it, like it's a hard punchline. And there's a scene of her Googling things. Oh, the vampire stuff, oh my God! And it zooms around the screen like this scene was directed by Michael Bay. This scene where she's just searching around on. Like she's a hacker.

Fucking Da Vinci code up in here. Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam. She's on Yahoo be like... Yeah this was 2008. Why my boyfriend so vampire-y? Hit me up on AOL. It's like shit like that. It's strange.

It was bad. That scene was bad. And then she repeats everything she searched to him in the woods. Right. Yeah there's a lot of... Here's all the things I looked up, your skin is cold. Like it's like, all right, okay, And then she repeats everything she searched to him in the woods. Right. Yeah, there's a lot of- Here's all the things I looked up, your skin is cold.

Like, it's like, all right, okay, we already watched that. It did not need to be two hours. No, no. Too long. Or one hour. Later. Or a movie. Or ever made, yeah.

I'm just, I'm sorry, there's just too many white people. And I understand, I've lived in Seattle. Hey, they had one? I've been up there, all right right but it was just too pale. Oh my god. Yeah. So, so white. Yeah.

Oh. And so they're in, so she's goofing around. She's goofing around with her Asian up there. Think about what it's like to record this podcast every week. Yeah. Oh. Throw some spice up there. Think about what it's like to record this podcast every week. Yeah, oh! Throw some spice in there, somebody. Bring back Jacob. He is really hot.

You're gonna miss that wig now. Yeah, I'm missing the wig. He's really hot. This lunchroom scene, everybody's goofing around, making jokes about the internet, and in the walk, the Cullins, they are a horny step family that all look like they're 42 like okay so yeah so hey listen we're close to

that age too but I ain't going to high school like with looking like this. We have a segment on this show called The Oldest Teen. Oh! Oh! Oldest Teen. There it is. Oh, yay! Running Miss Monday! So, in the world of this movie, these are 100 year old creatures

who are eternal or whatever, but they are supposed to move throughout the world as high school students. This is such bullshit. Now, I'm gonna say they all look pretty old. The oldest is Rosalie, I think. She is a gorgeous woman, but her vibe is divorced manager of an old Navy.

Which one is Rosalie? That's very specific. She's the one who looks like a divorced manager of an old Navy. Oh, is that the one with the crazy pixie cut wig? No. Crazy wig. That is the craziest wig I've ever seen.

That is the worst hat, for sure. Do we do it? You know what wig I'm talking about? Give me a second. You just gotta find it. It is horrible. The worst hat. Horrible.

That wig is the worst hat. It's, I mean, she's such a beautiful actress. And they put this. It's like the the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz, like stuck his finger in an electrical socket. You know what? Can I just say, I'm actually glad they made the white people do this movie because I love. Let's let's hear more about that.

Y'all deserve some shit like that. Y'all deserve some straight to fucking to be ass. It's definitely not straight to fucking, I'll tell you that. Tyler Perry is known for having like, he doesn't even change the wig, and the wig's moving around, he's like, keep it. We'll fix it in post.

And he never does. You need some just messy Caucasian wig. 100%. Looking bad. Party city wig. You got a humble wig. You're right, that's the exact vibe. I didn't pick that. It was like, just throw it on.

It's fine. It's literally, it just feels like non-union. Yes. You're watching the movie, you're like, what's off about this? Oh, no one's getting paid scale. Is this a billion dollar franchise or a Kickstarter web series? No kidding. Just the CGI stuff got all the money.

The budget went right to the bottom. Well, come on out the tree. Now- Disney movies are better than that. Like, not Disney movies, it's the Disney Channel movies. We'll come look into that in a minute. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Just the CGI stuff got all the money. The budget went right to the time we have to drink. Now, all right. Disney movies are better than this. Like not Disney movies, it's Disney Channel movies. Yeah.

Original movies, like Xenon kicks this movie's ass. I was gonna say, the special effects in this movie, I would say are Hercules, the legendary journey. Yes! I love that reference so much and I love that show. Yeah. I hated this movie. It was much, and I love that show. Yeah. I hated this movie. It was bad.

Now I'm back to hating it. I remember that part, now I'm like, this is what the fuck? Can you curse on this podcast? Oh, yeah. No, no, no! I already said hentai pussy. You did it, you didn't say whatever you want.

You say whatever you want. I said wiggery, apparently that's bad. Emily did a racial slur. That's not a racial slur! In what context? I don't know, but I didn't know that till now. I apologize if it was. Listen, we respect wigs on this show.

And where they were made. We respect wigs. It's my favorite political party. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're a little political. I'm more of a bull moose party guy myself. Don't tag me. Also, this is the crowd for those. Can I just say when the Cullens show up that first time, the music that's playing, I don't remember, but the whole like step family energy, this is the music that should have been playing.

["Predicament Porn"] You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Why is there a long scene where one of the Cullens gets stuck in a dryer? Yeah. I love that kind. That's my favorite.

Predicament porn. I love that. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Well, now I know what to Google. Predicament porn. I thought it was just called regular porn. I'm running out of stuff to look up. No, stuck in a dryer is very specific.

Stuck in a window? The weirdest one I've seen is stuck under a bed. Yeah, I've seen that one too. How did you get in? Go out the way you came in. Her titties got stuck on the floor. Her titties got stuck on a bed. Yeah, I seen that one too! How did you get in? Go out the way you came in. Her titties got stuck on the floor. Her titties got stuck on the carpet. All right.

Let's yell it out. What do you like seeing people stuck in when you're watching pornography? A dishwasher. A wash washer? Under a coffee table. I get it. Wet.

I swear someone said foosball table. Someone say foosball table? That way you could fuck it and then play a little game afterwards. Maybe air hockey. Maybe air hockey. Oh, I don't know. Get a titty suck in there.

Air hockey is another type of blow job. Get a little breeze going, add a little breeze. So okay, the Cullens are there looking. Thank you, thank you. Keep us on track please. He's trying to host a show. The Cullens are there looking porny, and one of the Cullens, it's Edward Cullen,

that's right, playing by, I would say, one of the most, one of my favorite current actors, Robert Pattinson, amazing, when we sat down to watch this, I'm like, oh, I love these two leads, I love them in everything, they are some of the greatest actors of their generation, and it just proves that if you stick at something, you will get better. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, just keep

Wasn't that one girl in panic room? Oh yeah, I love panic room. I enjoyed her in it. That was free with ads not too long ago. Wait, who was in panic room? Kristen Stewart. Jodie Foster and Kristen Stewart. I need to see that movie. I saw the one where Jodie Foster's kid gets taken on an airline and then... Nobody believes her? Nobody believes her. Yeah, yeah, that's what I like that an airline and then... Nobody believes her?

Nobody believes her. Yeah, yeah, that's what I like about it. They didn't believe her? They didn't believe her. The panic plane, panic room. What movie is this? Yeah, it's like panic plane. Panic dishwasher.

Passenger panic set. Panic rose ball table. Oh no, I'm stuck under a plane. Fuck me. She's stuck halfway through the door of the panic room. That's a good one. Ooh, here's one. Predictable panic room porn. Help me, I'm in the overhead room. That's a good one. Ooh, here's one. Help me, Ivan. Predictable panic room porn.

Help me, I'm in the overhead compartment. Oh, that kind of works. There's something with head there that we could do, but I won't do it. There probably is. You think there's a writer's room like this in porn? Yeah. They're like, what are we going to get stuck in?

I'll do it if I can get health insurance points. I'll say, credit the critic, guys. Health insurance. Is it union? I'll do it if I can get health insurance points. I'll say it's credit to credit, guys. Yeah, dude. Health insurance. It's a union I'll take. It's a free testing every once in a while. So, you know, Edward Cullen, he's there. He's so hot. And he and Bella are giving each other weird looks.

That is 90% of this movie just looking at each other. I did not. I just didn't. I had to rewind. I was like, what is wrong with him? Yeah, is the sound on my TV broken? It wasn't sexy. It was like, she smelled her hair like, do I stink? And I was like, maybe you do.

I was confused, I was looking at her like, is there a wet dog in here? Disney Channel acting as well. You smell something bad? Yeah. Like, it's just, just do it for the people in the back. Yeah, they're going big. Shit was vaudeville.

Vaudeville. So they're looking at each other and I guess that's the start of their romance. Later she goes to a diner with her dad and the condiment work at this meal. Oh. Oh, you're looking at details. You're looking at the set. Well, you're looking at details. I, yeah. You're looking at the set. Well, we're looking for anything, you know,

just to be entertained by. I was looking at the burger, but okay. The burger looks good. The burger at this time looks good. Condiments, though. I would love to eat at this. But so, okay, I swear, neither Kristen Stewart nor the guy playing her dad have ever used condiments before.

I don't know if you noticed this. I think he puts A1 on a salad. No. I think, Ricky, I think you can, if you freeze it, he's putting A1 on a salad. And I think this is like a meme. I feel like I've seen gifts of this. Maybe he put some steak on there, little steak meats. You know, you might be right.

It could be a steak salad. Maybe a steak salad. Could be, you know. I don't know. I don't think so. But no, I think he's just a freak. Yeah. And Kristen Stewart picks up a ketchup bottle,

turns it sideways and does this. I mean like a paint can yes yeah it's has she ever squirted ketchup in her life I don't think any of these any of these actors have ever done any manual labor of any kind no definitely not it's like watching Angelina Jolie run in a movie. You're just like, have you done this? She did that firefighter movie. I couldn't believe seeing that run.

I was like, you never ran. Hey, hey, she did Jam Raider. Her dad is John Boyd, OK? She's probably run before. No. Don't play. When your dad's John Boyd, you do a little running. You do a little running.

You do a little running if he's John Boyd. So OK. You know, so. Are you OK? Are you OK? Just like looking at what happens in the movie. So they do a little flirting. She says she doesn't like the rain.

That's dumb. I wrote down, is this everyone's first time talking? Yes. Seems like they have like, they like, yeah, I can talk. I can talk. I'll just talk on the day. Just say action and I'll talk. I don't want to practice him. No, I don't want to practice him.

Every time. Just say action and I'll talk. Okay, action. Every time Kristen Stewart talks, it looks like it hurts. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing about him. No, no. So Jake, oh, Jake, Edward, who cares?

So Edward, she's about to get hit by her car. Her dumb buddy is gonna hit her with his car and Edward jumps in and does a little kind of Iron Man landing and smashes. You don't like the landing? What do you like about it? What do you not like about it? The first time you see a black person, he's about to kill a white lady.

That's true. That's true. And we don't really know why. The car just speeds out of control. Never driven a car before in Washington. Ah, buddy, you're going to jail. Why are these roads slick? You're going to jail, dude.

It's a wrap. Her dad's the police. Ab-dab. You tried to kill my daughter? Ab-dab. Bro, I'm moving. Maybe that's why everybody knows her, because there's not many of them, because they all

die from car death. Car death? I was like, oh, I hate this. I don't drive. Car death. I don't know. So later, so she's fine. Edward saves her later in her room.

She starts dreaming of the thing that happened two minutes ago. And I'm like, I know, I just watched that. And then they all go to the beach. Her and all her friends go to the beach. The beach in Washington state is the worst. All of her friends are surfers. They're all surfers in Washington. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

Maybe that's why he did the surf thing. There's barely surfers here. Washington's fucking icebergs everywhere. He just did. They surf the net and the sea. And the waves, dude. So they're at the beach. Anna Kendrick, she's wearing a knit baseball hat

with an eagle on it. I think this is the worst hat Oh, alright, I stand corrected. The worst hat ever. Alright, alright, alright. Why? All of the stings are the same for those who have never heard this podcast. All of the stings are the same. But you must applaud every time. Wait, hold on. Who hasn't heard this before? Who's ever heard, you guys, this is your first time?

All right, couple people who've never heard this podcast. Is you watching us like what it was like for us watching Twilight? Have these people ever talked before? Yeah. These guys have never had a conversation. They're talking over each other, music's playing. So then, so Jacob's at the beach.

He tells her about how his family is wolves, which never pays off. He never turns into a fucking wolf. I guess you have to watch the video. Wait, did he tell her he was a wolf? He says, my family is descended from wolves. The story lore, yeah, yeah. I'm like, any time now, we're gonna have a monster match,

and this guy's gonna turn into a werewolf, and he never does. Sucks. Sucks. I do not remember that part. Yeah, a lot of stuff happened during this. So it's so she's. I was wasted at this moment. So she, this is when she goes home

and like Googles the stuff Jacob talked about and you get this scene where it's zooming around the search results, the internet, it's so exciting. She's logging on to Alta Vista, she's asking for a game. Next game. Next game, she's going on LiveJournal. She's MSN-ing it Vista. She's asking for a game. Next game. Next game, she's going on LiveJournal.

She's MSN-ing it. Yeah, she's aiming. Putting it up in a wave. You left for 80 days. Missed school. And so the Googling scene happens. And so she finds a book on legends or something. Hey, here's something I liked about this.

She doesn't just buy it, she orders it at an indie bookstore. Like Green Apple Books in San Francisco. That's right. Oh, is that a real place? Yes, you have to say the name of the place and they clap. Wow. Hey, but at that bookstore, you can probably buy a very cool book called Youth Group.

You can, thank you. Yes. That was written by yours truly. Or you could buy another book called The Bible. Oh, those should be free. Are we booing The Bible in here? Is this some sort of atheist crowd? This is the future liberals want.

It is now. Yeah. We're all gonna see each other in hell. That's nice. Not me. I'm going straight to heaven to watch the next Twilight movie. Yeah. I bet God had a hard time with this movie too. He was like, Jesus Christ. Why is he turning into a werewolf? He's saying wolf jokes. Why is he doing a wolf joke? We need another flood. Yeah, the rapture begins today.

So some bros attack Bella. Edward saves her. Turns out he can read minds, I guess. But not Bella's. He cannot read Bella's mind. Which this is the same thing to True Blood. She smells real good. Is this just a thing in vampire lore

that bitches smell good and they wanna eat them? I don't know, they get horny. Yeah, they're sexy. Yeah. But I mean the smelling. I enjoy being told I smell good. Oh, you smell good. Thank you.

Oh, thank you. I can't smell anything. You smell like a quesadilla. Thank you. Me and Matt split a quesadilla and some chicken fingers backstage. A warm quesadilla, not a cold one, a nice and warm cheesy one that's fresh.

Thank you, thank you for whoever yelled yum, I appreciate it. Thank you, thank you. I don't have a scent. Oh. I don't. You don't? No, it's my body does not produce enough oil to make sense.

So you're ashy? I'm very ashy. I have dry skin and eczema. I definitely smell like something underneath all this. I'll tell you that. Oh yeah. There is sweat. I'm afraid to get up.

Yeah, we want to, we're happy to like say hi and hang out after the show a little bit, but I am going to rub a quesadilla under my arm. Maybe a little dab behind the ears. Ow. Ew. Ow. Wow, okay. Ow. Wow, OK.

Ow. Wait, hold on. Who was meowing? We don't know. Anyone? Yeah. I was into it. So I mean, we're learning so much.

He just got excited because of the cat. Someone thought they were about to get kicked out of the show for meowing. No, no, no. Meow more. OK. That's freaky, everybody. Thank you.

Jordan was just excited because it might be a cat. Did a cat get in the club? Is there a cat? Hold it up. I want to pet its head. God, I love cats. I wish there was cats in this movie. There's not.

Yeah. So Twilight. So OK. Bros attack Bella. Edward saves her. She Googles some more stuff. It's really intense. And then she figures it out.

She knows he's a vampire. They go out to the woods. She says, how old are you? He says, 17. And he's been 17 for a while. Ew. I'm sorry. Emily actually looked up the age.

He's 109 or something. Oh, that's not old enough to be a vampire. I'm sorry. But it's also just like. There are people alive right now that are under nine, and they are not vampires. They're just old. That's true.

I had a patient that was 102 once. It's not that hard. Oh, really? What were they like? Not that hard, bro. Please. Were they as hot as Edward Cullen? No, she was chilling, though. She had back pain.

Who doesn't? Edward Cullen. But 109 years old, Kristen Stewart's character is 17. Age gap, big yikes. Big yikes. Big yikes. Yeah, I know. It is, you know, this movie is fun to goof on, but it is like, this is where a lot of kids

are learning the relationship stuff, and it's really, it's a toxic, gross relationship. Yeah, but I've said this in the past. This is like, goes back, you know, to the history of the vampire stories in general. It's always this ancient thing going after a young woman. But also it's like Peter Pan, same fucking thing. But he's going after a 12-year-old girl in a window. Yeah.

See, this is what... He's like a forever child who actually, like, he's worse. All stories are gross except for Matt the Bible. The Bible. That's right. Nothing gross happened in the for Matt, the Bible. The Bible. Nothing gross happening in the Bible. Sorry. Wait, can I say, during that scene,

I thought about the movie, Fear. Has anybody seen it? Yeah. Oh, fingering story. Get it ready. Get it ready. Yes. I was watching it.

If I was a teenage person watching this movie, I'd be like, this is kinda cool, you kinda want this bad, weird guy to seduce you and maybe finger bang you on a roller coaster. Oh! Fingering story. Yeah! Yeah!

And the crowd goes wild. Woo! Thank you. I'm so excited, I didn't think we were gonna get to use that today. No, that's my favorite movie. Oh, it's my favorite one. That's my favorite toxic movie.

I'm like, and he's gonna try to kill her. And I mean, that was the vibe I was getting. Like, this is so dangerous. But they never fucked, and he never tried to kill her. And I was kinda mad about that. Yeah. So, you know, he admits he's a vampire. He makes her say vampire.

He puts her on his back. Say it. Say it. Say it. I wanna hear you say vampire. He like puts her on his back. Say it. Say it. Say it. I want to hear you say it. In my mind, I tell me you know what it is. Say it. I'm a creature of the Black Lagoon.

Get that fingering story sang back up. I'm a Frankenstein. I want to hear you say it. My vampire. Say it. Say it with your poos. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. For those of you listening at home, I'm not saying it with your puss. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. For those of you listening at home, I just said it with my puss. I was, it was like the most awkward David Charades that they were playing. Yeah. So he like puts her on his back. That part I didn't feel.

So bad. So bad. Did you guys, I didn't know if you did this. I didn't realize I had my butt cheeks clenched the entire movie until that moment because the cringe is like so. Uh. Uh.

Uh. And then this happened and I was like, oh okay, I can relax. You know what? This is so bad. Maybe the upside is a good movie to watch if you're working on your kegels. Yes.

Hey. Listen, pelvic floor health is no joke. That's not what kegels. Ladies do five pulses right now. Don't tell anyone. Hey, hey, you know what? Fellas do them too. Everybody, everybody, everybody.

One, two, three, kegel. Ladies, fellas, non-binary friends, everybody, do a little kegel. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Release. Keep holding. You got this cagle. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold, hold, hold. Release. Hold, hold, keep holding. You got this. Are you doing it?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. So he, so you know, he's running up the hill. Looks bad. The sun hits him. He sparkles in the sun. That looks bad.

Bro, the sparkle? I was so excited about the glow. I was like, is this the last dragon? What is going on? Yeah. What is this? It looked like a staticky TV from 1998. I thought he was going to burn out, but it was like pretty ass Michael Jackson shit.

I was like, oh, okay. I can work with that. I might be like, oh, go in the sun more often. I like that. I'd be attracted to that, honestly. Is this the skin of a killer? Oh yeah. Yes.

You mean white skin? Yep. Yeah, all right! Thank you, Abbedav. Sorry about the mic. That's so good. Abbedav, Abbedav, everybody. Amazing.

Sorry, everybody! Did we pick a good guest or what? You guys. Fucking killed it. Killed it. I wish the folks listening at home could see Shawna's cape work. Oh. Oh. Tin, tin, tins across the board. All right. I wish I wish I wish the folks listening at home could see Sean is Cape work

Across the board by the way nobody says bleh in this movie So she goes over to the Cullen's house, it's really weird They feed her Italian food because they think she's Italian because her name is Bella. I love that detail. They're like, why are we making Italian food? I don't know, her name's Bella. Her last name is Swan. They didn't want to give her some fucking bird seed. We'll give you bread in the park. Here you are, Bella.

There's a little funny joke in this, right? So they don't cook, the vampires don't eat, they just eat blood, and so they're cooking for Bella and they have a like, YouTube video about cooking on in the background, I'm like, this is almost a joke. You almost made a joke movie, and then I got a little excited and then nothing happened. And then no joke happened.

Then no joke happened. Wait, I've got a question. So, none of them knew how to cook before they became vampires, like, were they born? I guess not. You wasn't a knew how to cook before they became vampires? Were they born vampires? You wasn't a regular ass person before you became a vampire? I love it. They're like, no, I'm more of a Door Dash vampire.

What do you mean you don't know how to cook? You're 40. It's like, what do we make? I don't know. I turned when I was 12. Ramen? Maggie Chi Chi Chi. You can make a sandwich at 12.

I'm going to make nachos in the microwave. Yeah. So put shredded cheese on it. We don't know how to cook. We just ate vampires the whole time. Would you like something to drink? It's called a suicide. It's every single soda mixed together.

Hey. I want the real one of those. Oh, God. Oh, a gut in the mouth? Maybe nice. Gun in mouth. We can do it. We can do it. Uh-oh.

Here's a live sting. Impromptu sting. All right, all right. Live sting. Gun in mouth. There we go. Very nice. New sting.

That's going to be very popular among parents. I want my percentage! So, you know, some more gross shit happens. They go jumping around on trees. I think this is where Emily, you wrote like, tree bitch or something. I was like, I'm gonna tree you little bitch, or something like that.

I don't know. He's just in the tree like a little, I don't know, lemur or something. He is a tree bitch. And it was just, I don't know. lemur or something. He is a tree bitch. And it was just, I don't know. Help, I'm stuck in the tree. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Fireman gets him down. So cute. Ha ha ha. Ew. Edward Cullen is stuck in a tree, if you know what I mean. The, the, I, hey!

There it is. Hey! Amazing. Ha ha ha. I'm like, by the way, I just want to take, appreciate, There it is! Amazing. By the way, I just want to appreciate the sex positivity of this crowd. We haven't had that in years. We're taking a little break from our Free With Ads live show from SF SketchFest.

We'll be back after this. Hey, it's Free With Ads and we got a message up on our Jumbotron. Yeah, we love these. It's where folks go to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron and pay a nominal fee to share a message with our listeners. Uh, this message is for us, actually. It's someone who's writing a message, not to plug a band or to wish happy birthday to somebody,

which we will do. We'll do all that stuff. Oh, of course. Love to. We'll do pretty much anything. We'll do whatever. I'll faint for you. And we will faint.

I'll moan. Oh, mercy. That's me whatever. I'll faint for you. And we will faint. I'll moan. Oh, mercy. I got the vapors. That's me coming. Lordy lord. That's how I do it. I say lody lord when I'm finishing up. I say boom, dino DNA.

Dino DNA. Clever girl. Clever girl. Clever girl. That's fine. So this is from Mike. Emily, I think last time we did one of these, you read it in one of your signature comedy character voices.

Do you think you got one for this? I think I do. Not to put you on the spot. All right. Hey, I'm not able to come to the live show. I wanted to support the show. Emily, I hope you're enjoying the dirty magazines. I do, I have them.

I have them right in front of me, actually. Maybe you should explain what those are. Oh, okay, before I continue doing, and I think it's kind of funny, I said dirty magazines, and he kind of sounds like someone who would give someone dirty magazines. I hope that's okay, Mike. Yeah, I met Mike on tour with the Mythical Tour

and he gave me a Playboy and a Penthouse magazine both from April, 1986, which was the month I was born. So boobs from the year that I would be born to eventually one day have boobs. Mm, okay, okay. There you go. That's fine. And I think I gave him a Flim Gems necklace

if I'm not mistaken. Okay, all right. Yeah. Flim Gems, up there in the middle of the store. Shall I continue? Please continue. Yes, please, I would love that. Okay, all right. Yeah. And all right. Shall I continue? Yes, please. Okay. Jordan, hopefully you like the Twilight Zone magazine and appreciated my cotton candy Randy. Super hot, sexy Matt needs to drop hints of gifts he'll like when I hopefully meet him eventually. Stay safe in LA. Okay, gifts that I like.

Being alive. Any way you can make that continue to happen. That's what he wants for his birthday. Yeah, that's what I want for my birthday, another year of life. He says to stay safe in LA, so that's his gift. It's probably, he probably means it in a nice way. It sounds a little like a threat,

but everything sounds like a threat to me. So yeah, this is Mike. I actually, I've met him too. He came up to me at Comic-Con dressed as Cotton Candy Randy. Oh. A Twilight Zone magazine. Cool dude, had a great Cotton Candy Randy costume. You'll love to see it.

Very cool. I think he also bought me a drink. He sounds like a really nice guy. And I'm glad that we have fans like this who will yeah you know give us gifts and dress up like characters that they love. Oh yeah it was at St. Louis I think that I I believe so I apologize Mike if I'm getting that wrong. So yeah maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron again we, we'll plug your podcast, we'll plug your Etsy store, or you can just send us a series of messages

about things that happened when you saw us. Yeah. Whatever you want. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Whatever you want. Back to the show. Shana, there's like a thing that I kind of had a hard time with in this movie is that she got to ride on someone's back like piggyback as tall as tall bitches. Not a thing that happens.

We don't get to do that shit. My feet are on the ground. You gotta pick me all the way up. It made me like, you know, I was offended. I didn't do that shit. My feet are on the ground. Yep. You gotta pick me all the way up. It made me, like, you know, I was offended. I didn't like that either. I was very upset about the entire situation. I feel like I can see three short kings in the back saying, we'll all work together.

That's who I fuck with. Three short kings in a trench coat. They're very strong. Right. They're very strong. No. They're very strong. No CGI needed with a short king. He'll just do it. Yeah.

He'll just pick yo' ass up. Give it up. Give it up for the short kids. We represent. Thank you. So they go jumping on trees. He reveals he's been watching her sleep. That's gross.

Whoa. That was crazy. That was watching sleep. What? Yeah. Peter Pan. Get out of my fucking room. But this, but she loves it. Get out of my fucking room. Linda.

But this, but she loves it, and then they kiss for the first time. I just wrote, if you thought their dialogue was unnatural, just wait till you see them try and kiss. Oh my God. They are just smashing their cheeks together. The crazy thing is they were actually fucking in real life. Were they?

Were they? Yeah, they were hooking up in real life, and then they couldn't give us a little on the screen. Like it was like, I don't know. They were acting. They were acting, yeah. Seems like, yeah. Yeah.

For those of you listening at home, Shawna is making a mouth movement like when a giraffe eats leaves. Hey! That's how y'all kiss. And I've kissed a white man before, so I know. What was it? Well aware.

We just love leaves. Holiday! We love to get leaves. Holiday! Wait, what did you just play? Play it again. Holiday! There we go.

Eddie Redmayne from Jupiter Ascending? Jupiter Ascending. Boy, wouldn't it be fun to watch Jupiter Ascending? I know. Yeah! Let's just boot up Jupiter Ascending. Good God. A movie that makes more sense than this.

Is that a Zodiac? That's a- I create life! That's a Channing Tatum sexy dog movie. What? And I think we didn't love it at the time, but looking back I'm like, I think that's my favorite movie.

Jupiter's what now? Jupiter ascending? It's a big swing. I'm a Capricorn rising, I'm sorry. Wow. I don't know, very nice. Messy, messy. Messy. Messy.

Messy. So, you know, she goes to with his family. They all play this kind of crazy game of baseball. This is like kind of fun. This is like the movie kind of like being campy and fun a little bit. They play this game of super baseball. I just wrote, this is the closest thing

we're gonna get to a Monster Mash. I just want there to be a Monster Mash. This is the closest thing you get to seeing characters display joy throughout the whole movie. That's true they had a good time. Yeah it looked like they were actually having fun. The rest of the movie is just painful. Also I want to know like I want to see the scene where they all picked out their little uniforms. Yeah. Where they're all like, OK, we'll get little hats. And then, like, who else wants it?

Stop eating that person for a second. It would have been two and a half hours. Yeah, exactly. It was insufferable. Cutting room floor, guys. Sorry. We're about 90 minutes into this movie. And then the plot starts.

Finally. Yay! Hello, plot. You showed up. Right. Thank you for coming. this movie and then the plot starts. Finally! Yay! Hello plot, you showed up. Thank you for coming. We have some just bad vampires. They're bad. Can I talk about the bad vampires real quick?

Please. When they walk in it's like they were clearly on a treadmill that was also on like a truck and they were floating and I immediately thought about okay go and they were like here it goes. Here it goes, here it goes again. Rawr. It's not a good sign when you're watching a movie and you start thinking of things you saw on E-bombs.

Remember Dee Dee Mega Do Do? I wish I was watching the Dee Dee Mega Do Do video. I have no idea what he's talking about. That's a fun Google. I wish I was watching the Dee Dee Mega Doodoo video. I have no idea what he's talking about. That's a fun Google. That's a fun Google. Do it when you get home. Incognito, I feel like I should do it now.

No, no, you don't need to. I'm scared. It's a regular video. You say something about doo doo. What now? No one's stuck in anything. Don't worry. Play the Pornhub song again.

Damn it. Dee Dee Mega Doodoo. Mega Doodoo. That's my favorite. One of these bad vampires, the lead bad vampire, his name is James. Is this the blonde one? Nosferatu, Vlad the Impaler.

James? James. That was the name? Listen, white dudes with J names are bad. I don't care. Yeah, I know, I know. I don't care what you're saying. Oh shit, I'm beating one of those.

I agree. You're a white dude with a J name, you're a horrible person. Oh no. Can you try and fucking name this guy better? James is hilarious. Hey, I will say the actor's name who plays James, Cam Gajandon, always good to see Cam Gajandon.

Cam Gajandon? His name sounds like when your religious aunt bangs her knee on the coffee table. Cam Gajandon. No, Cam Gajandon. Cam Gajandon. Cam Gajandit! Oh, Camgajandit! Camgajandit. Why would they use that name?

That sounds better than James. I know, better just call him Camgajandit. Ooh, that's amazing. I wanna marry him just for the last name. Emily, Camgajandit. Camgajandit. I don't know how to pronounce it actually. Especially with these teeth, this is hard.

I'm working hard, y'all. Yeah, Emily's been doing this with vampire teeth and this is why you need to come see the show live and not just listen to it. Watch me sweat in eBay clothes. I kind of feel like a bitch right now. You do? I'm taking using everything.

What happened to your hair? I got hot, OK? I'm burning up like crazy. The wig's on the floor, the mustache on the table. This is my hair, right? The huluration in this wiggery. I'm the producer. Oh, God.

No more slurps. Why do we put you guys in charge of things? I'm keeping this hat. The hat looks great. It's pimping. I'm going to wear it everywhere. The hat looks cool. I'm this person now.

Oh no. You're going to start riding a unicycle around. You got to move to New York if you're going to be there. Yeah, I'm going to have to be Polly. You can't be out here looking like that. You got to go to Times Square looking like that. This is a Polly hat for sure. Oh yeah.

Polly kill. That's a subdom hat actually. You know what I'm looking for? We go to Times Square looking like that. This is a Polly hat for sure. Oh yeah. Polly kill. That's a subdom hat actually. You know Emily was just telling me about how monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy. It is. Can I hear more?

Does that sound like something I would say? In the hat, yes. Good. Wearing the hat. I'm glad that that's, you think that. We need a bunch of bitches. Yeah. I love my wife. Matt loves his wife.

I? Big wife guy, right? Love my wife. Love your wife. I love my wife. So you know, Camkeajand is after them. They go to Phoenix. Everybody in Phoenix is wearing a cowboy hat.

It's like they're like, what do people in Phoenix wear and just give every extra cowboy hat? It's so dumb. Wait, they went to Phoenix? They went back to Phoenix, yeah. I mean, who cares? But yeah, they go back to Phoenix. Wait, did they just leave the baseball game?

I didn't know they went to Phoenix. Yeah. I didn't know that either. You saw it twice. Yeah, I saw it twice. I saw it. I just finished it in the I didn't know they went to Phoenix! You saw it twice! Yeah, I saw it twice. I just finished it in the green room. They went back to Phoenix? They go to Phoenix. Why? I don't know!

Why was it still cloudy? I gotta watch it again. See, god damn it. No, no. I'm not doing it. That didn't happen. The Camp-A-Gambit. That did not happen. He's the one that, like, he's stalking her mom, right? Okay, here's what we have to do. Didn't happen.

Punchline AV committee, roll the movie. Now you're stuck in here with us for two hours. Pull your pants down. We're stuck in here. Can I... something I... Don't worry, I'll make the movie fun I'll do this so for people who have seen all of these do why do they get why for two questions why second question do they get better or they get worse they get better okay we got better here we got worse over here more action okay have Second question, do they get better? Or do they get worse? They get better. Okay.

We got better over here, we got worse over here. More action. Have you seen it? Okay. Have you seen them all? Better or worse? Worse, okay. How do they keep getting made?

I don't get it. Because people see them. People are horny. Michael Sheen is in them eventually. I kinda saw some clips of Michael Sheen. I'm like, maybe I'll watch some of these. Michael Sheen? Really? Yeah, Michael Sheen is in them. Oh yeah, I have some clips of Michael Sheen. I'm like, maybe I'll watch them. Michael Sheen? Yeah, Michael Sheen is in them.

Oh yeah, I have seen that in Dakota Fanning. Love Dakota Fanning. What? All right, roll the entire franchise. Lock the doors. Lock the doors. Yeah. We're here all night.

Like church sleepover. Did we get to the part where she just decided she was gonna leave? Yeah, so she is mean to her dad, and that's sad. I didn't like that she was mean to her dad. I'm sorry, what's 17 year olds like, I'm driving to Arizona tonight, dad. I'll stop at a motel.

Bitch, you don't work. Yeah, I know. You don't have motel money. No. What are you talking about? Where are you going right now? That's an amazing point. I'm gonna drive back to Arizona, dad.

Don't be upset about it. From Seattle. What are you talking, that's so far. Why does he gonna drive back to Arizona, Dad. Don't be upset about it. From Seattle. What are you talking? That's so far. And why does he take it? He has a gun. If you're dead? You're like, oh, you're not going anywhere.

Shoot her in the leg. Shoot her in the leg. Yeah, why didn't I listen to my parents? Shoot the tires out. They didn't have guns. I was so mad at that part. I'm like, you're gonna, oh, Dad, I'm gonna go back to Arizona. Sorry, I must.

It's midnight. I must go. I will stop at that motel if I get tired. Bitch, go to DL. What's up? I'm gonna go to the motel. I'm gonna go to the motel. I'm gonna go to the motel. I'm gonna go to the motel. I'm like, you're going, dad, I'm going to go back to Arizona. Sorry, I just must. I must. It's midnight. I must go.

I will stop at that motel if I get tired. Bitch, go do your homework. What are you talking about? Yeah, Mellon doesn't do any homework in this. They were in school for like two days. The kid never does homework. How many years do you think the Cullens were in that high school, high school?

Yeah, wouldn't someone notice? The principal has to, at least. I know that there's a lot of things you just gotta kinda look past cause it's not, you know, there's no justifying all of it, but really. Well, they mentioned that they have to move around a lot. But also, it's not like they're fucking inconspicuous.

No. Be like, oh, the giant Pornhub family moved here. Called a neighboring school district. Did you have a bunch of fucky teens? Fucky teens? Who moved from the neighboring county? Who look like maybe they work in advertising. Because they're in their mid-30s. Yes! They could totally get it.

By the way, the house, the Cullen house, that like, what is that, Mid-century modern kind of look. Yeah, I was gonna say that. Mid-century modern. There's a Lego set of the house. That's what I was gonna say! There's a what? There's a Lego set of the house.

Do you guys have the Lego set? Oh. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. That's the coolest thing about this movie is that there's a Lego set of the house. A Lego? Okay, so the demographic was elementary school kids.

That actually makes a lot more sense. That it was for fifth graders who were- No, you should not be watching that at fifth grade. You should be watching Sphere. Thank you, yes. Or The Craft, like we were. A fucking real goth movie, thank you very much. Take my scars.

More people get finger banged and murdered. Thank you, thank you. Finger bang. Finger and story. Real quick, what was everybody's movie that was like the first thing that you went, is horny this? It was Fear.

Fear, was that for you? Yeah, I wanted to be murdered by Mark Wahlberg. Anaconda. You probably do it too. Fear, was that for you? Okay. Yeah, I wanted to be murdered by Mark Wahlberg. I... Anaconda. He'd probably do it too. Yeah, today. Anaconda. Anaconda?

Anaconda. J.Lo? What? No, the snake. The snake. You're a sick man with sick thoughts. Google Vore. For me?

You're welcome. You're welcome. Oh yeah, Vore. I'm learning so many things to search. Vore. B-O-R-E, you're welcome. I'm just. Oh yeah, Vore. I'm learning so many things to search. Vore. B-O-R-E, you're welcome. I'm just like, creep by compilation all the way through. That's pretty much it.

There's a lot of silence there. Wow, that's funny. Wait, what? What kind of? Creep by compilation all the way through. For me, it was an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What? Was it the pizza?

Not the pizza, although. There was a, Raphael had a girlfriend and she was a lizard lady. Oh yeah, I remember this. And what do they do? They just like, stop a pirate. Which is my love language. Ooh.

My balls are tingling. Stop another pirate. Ooh, is anyone? Yo ho. Is anyone gonna ask me what mine is? Yeah, what's yours? Oh, it's David Bowie Labyrinth, baby. Oh, is anyone? Yo ho. Is anyone gonna ask me what mine is? Yeah, what's yours? Oh, it's David Bowie Labyrinth, baby. Oh yeah, of course.

Woo! Clearly there's a theme going on. I think everybody has a sub-answer, but I think that's everyone's answer. Oh yeah. And I've never seen a guy wear powder blue tights ever in my life. It lied to me. Yeah

All adults will be like I thought I would find a man in blue powder tights Okay, listen I don't want to talk about Twilight either but we have to I forgot where we were Sorry about that. Sorry about that. So James. He was on task, daddy. Head vampire James kidnaps Bella's mom. James Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

That is their names too. And so they meet at Bella's old ballet studio. She never talks about doing ballet ever. What the fuck? There was a ballet studio? Yeah. So James and Edward fight. Bella gets bit.

Edward can suck the poison out, but he's afraid once he starts sucking, he'll never be able to stop. Once you pop, you can't stop. Story of my fucking life. She's a Pringles can. Yeah, right. It's a human stack of chips.

This is the closest we get to using this thing. Fucking in the movie. Yay! I like imagining what her ballet dancing would be like. It would be like the worst. Confused, yeah. Just disaffected and mad. Pleiade I guess, yeah.

So she wakes up in the hospital. Pot of oom, ugh. She wakes up in the hospital. But Edward shows up and takes her to prom. I like prom scenes in movies. This is pretty fun. You know what I hated? The fucking boot she had on.

And the cardigan! I was like, that's not what happened. Who wears a cardigan to prom? Well, as I helped camera-mashing on, that's not what happens. You just don't get a boot immediately, Bella, all right? You almost died. So yeah, so Jacob's there.

He and Edward glower at each other. You think a vampire's gonna fight a fucking werewolf and then it doesn't happen. This sucks. They cleared? All right. I gotta watch this again. I'm sorry, I missed so much.

And so she wants to become a vampire. So bad. She's like, do it on the dance floor. Do it right in front of everybody, please. Just do it. I don't care who says it. Just do it right now. And he won just do it right now.

And she, he won't do it. Cause he's a fucking fuck boy, can't commit. Yeah. Straight up, he's a fuck boy. He is. Does he bite her eventually guys? Does he? Oh, it's so much worse than that.

There's a baby. Okay. Now is the baby born a vampire? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I didn't fully explain.

I watched all of Twilight... All of them? ...on my honeymoon. All of them? Yeah. Oh, I thought you only watched the first one. There was a lot of time. You are such a good husband.

She wanted to watch... I really wanted to watch Edge of Tomorrow of tomorrow and I said if this is the price I have to pay It's worth it. You watched the trilogy. You didn't say that you just say you watch oh, it's four Part three is broken up into two movies Three Godfather movies for four Twilight movies. One deserves more movies. Four movies better. Four movies, y'all, for real? That's crazy. Oh, five.

What? What's the fifth one? Breaking Dawn Again? Bruh, this is fast and furious. Is Ludacris in the fifth one? You know what? I would have loved to have seen Ludacris and Tyrese in this. Roll out.

Shopping it up. Breaking Dawn again, electric boogaloo. Yeah, something. Twilight, the secret of the ooze? We gotta stop these people. I was really touched by that last scene in the last Twilight movie where they did a you know they did a Paul Walker tribute. A little burnout? Gone too soon angel.

Feel a little side shell. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. Wow. It's been a long day. Matt. We can't afford all that. Can we get the can we get the sting music ready? Okay wait which one?

Just a generic I have a sting I'd like to make. Okay. Rest in peace. Can we get the sting music ready? Okay, wait, which one? Just a generic, I have a sting I'd like to make. Okay. Rest in peace. Yeah. Oh. We'll match it in post.

Rest in peace, Angel. We'll match it in post, like Tyler Perry. We'll fix it later. So that's like the end of the movie. There's a cool radio head song that plays. Isn't that cool? Emily, did you like that radio head song? Wait, I got a question.

I got a question. The bitch in the window who was looking at them Emily, did you like that radio head song? Boo. Wait, I got a question. I got a question. Yeah, she had a question. Sean had a question. The bitch in the window who was looking at them on the dance floor, who, why was she upset? She's another bad vampire. But why was she like? One friend of the dead vampire.

Oh yeah, they killed one of the other vampires. Oh, when they ate up Jacob, she was like, that's my man. Oh yeah, she should have been sad that she wasn't fucking, oh boy, she seemed like she was like, I wanna go to prom. She wasn't boy. She seemed like she was like, I wanna go to prom. She wasn't mad. She seemed like she was like, I should be out there too. Well, she can.

All the other 40-year-old vampires. Your prom date killed my prom date. Take your old ass out there, man. There's nothing holding you back, Red. Yeah, go off and sit around. There were vampires in this? True. I think I watched Carol.

Carol, fuck. Way more horny. We are going to rank this movie on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials, but first we have to talk about who made us the horniest in a segment we call Hunk Watch. It's Hunk Watch. Yay! You know, we didn't talk about this. I want to make a proposal.

OK. One audience, Hunk Watch. So be prepared. If you've heard the show, you have't talk about this. I wanna make a proposal. Okay. One audience hunk watch. So be prepared, if you've heard the show, you have to talk about who or what your hunk was. Be thinking about it. If you have a really strong opinion, we wanna hear from you,

but we're gonna go around the horn. Audience hunk watch. Shawna, let's start with you. Who do you think was the most attractive person in the movie? Ha ha ha. You might have to come back. Let's start with you. Who do you think was the most attractive person in the movie? You might have to come back. You know, I might come back. I think, actually, I have a prediction.

I have a prediction. I think maybe we can all agree on this. All right. Is it Bella's dad? Yes! Yes! Now listen, I don't love that he's a cop, Ab-Dab, but. Yeah, Ab-Dab.

Well, it's not, it's the dad, but it is the slutty little mustache. Yeah. Specifically, I would fuck that mustache to death. Yeah. It's sarcasm. Yeah, yeah. And the cock in the shotgun way.

He was a cop! He was a cop! I just want the mustache! No! The mustache! Don't blame the mustache for that. That's want the mustache. Don't blame the mustache for that. That's not the mustache's fault. Shawna, do you have an alternate hunch? I hated everybody.

I think the lead bad black vampire guy with the dreads was kind of cool. He was pretty hot. Yeah, and he was kind of British, right? And he came around a little British. He's kind of British. Was that, didn't he have an accent of some sort? I don't remember if he had an accent.

It's like, is that Idris Elba? It was not. Oh, I know. Craziest contact lenses on that guy, though. It was wild. He was the voice of reason. Yeah. Does anyone have a strong opinion about hunk?

Do you want to come up and talk into the microphone? This could be a bad idea, by the way. Come up here, sir. Yeah, come to like come up and talk into the microphone? This could be a bad idea by the way. Come up here sir. Yeah come up here. Give it up for our audience volunteer. We hope he doesn't say anything insane. Don't say the W word. Don't say the W word. Don't talk about wigs. Six words for you. We have a plane to catch. Oh, yeah. You're right. Very nice. That was got a great dad. He's got a great dad. You thought of this one. You counted the words and everything.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. I stood up for a moment and I realized the whole ass of these pants is sweat, so I apologize. I did not pee. Emily, you're gonna need to wipe down with a case of deodorant. Hey! She's horny for this movie.

This makes your pussy wet. All right. I don't think you guys know where pussies are. Like. Right here, right below the belly button. OK, good. Oh, god. I know where mine is.

You think kegels are when you squeeze your ass cheeks together. No one's touched in a while. It's not been touched in a while, guys. It's been a rough. I didn't touch it during this movie at all. It's been a little rough go out here in these streets, everybody. I'll fuck a vampire. I don't care.

Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein. Yeah, big black one. Um, what? Sorry. A big black lagoon. Once you go Black Lagoon, you'll never go Back Lagoon? I don't know. You could just say whatever on a podcast. And it's a podcast.

Oh shit. Oh boy. All right. Well hey, let's rank this movie on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials. Okey dokey. Shawna, we'll start with you. Wait, wait, what's the scale?

One to 10 super loud commercials. Super loud? Yeah, because your commercials are real loud. What's the scale? One to 10 super loud commercials. Super loud? Yeah, because the commercials are real loud. Yeah. Oh. So just one to 10, one to 10. The podcast is called Free With Ads. 10 is good.

10 is good. 10, it means you would endure 10 super loud ads to keep watching it. One means you would endure one. So 10 is Fear with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah. And one. Okay, this is gonna be a two. Two. Two, okay And OK, this is going to be a 2.

2. OK. Oh, that's pretty generous, I think. You know, they was looking at each other and she was. They were. You know what? You're absolutely right. She is not wrong.

I was like, do it already. Yeah, credit where credit is due, they looked at each other. Yeah. She's not. They were looking at him like, ah. And I was like, ah. So you know, I'm going to be a little generous here. I think this is a bad movie five.

I think if you wanted to get together with friends and get a little stoned and goof on something, it's got some pretty good goof potential. And yeah, and I think if you grew up around this time in the 2000s, this is like a special, if the movie isn't special, the aesthetic is. The aesthetic is so of a time.

The camera angles. The camera angles, yeah. Cinematography. So I think if you're having a bad movie night, not a bad choice, Twilight. All right. Emily, what do you think? That's true.

I'm gonna give it, I, the soundtrack is amazing. We love a movie soundtrack in these. And so for that, I'm gonna give it a one. Oh! A one for the needle drop. Just for the Paramore song, and that's about it. And because, poor Muse, boy, they must be suffering.

Matt, what do you think? Poor Muse, super massive bad movie. You know what I mean? I don't get that. Super massive black hole was the song I was playing in the movie. A black hole? Yeah.

What did you call me? Once you go black hole? Once you go super massive black hole,. I was gonna do a thing. Once you go super mess black hole, you never go super mess black hole. All right. You can just say whatever. I give this movie an eight because it reminded me of my wonderful honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta with my lovely wife who is at home with our two-year-old child.

Oh, God. Aw. Wait, how long have you been married? Don't say two years. Oh, no, he doesn't know. Don't say two years. Two years. No.

It's a COVID, baby. Yeah, well. You had COVID. Listen, it's a COVID baby. Yeah, well. You had COVID. Listen, sometimes you get trapped into love. You know what I mean? Oh. No, we were already going to get married and then she got pregnant and I was like, well, I guess

we have to now. Yeah, no fault of her own, huh? All by herself. Then she just got pregnant. I don't know. It was crazy. I was having a good time. She got pregnant, I don't know. It was crazy. I was having a good time. She was like, I'm gonna get pregnant.

I was like, what do you mean? Well hey, we're about to the end of the show. We actually have something special we'd like to close with. But first we wanna say a big thank you to the hilarious, wonderful Shawna Christmas. Shawna Christmas. Shawna.

She's out there performing stand up comedy. We're gonna throw the links to her social media in the description of this episode if you're listening at home. Find her, see her stand up comedy show. And get the book, you ain't nothing but a bitch with a wig on. And Emily Fleming, the great Emily Fleming

drew some posters for Christmas. You drew those? I drew them. Ran them off at a fucking best. I have an art degree. An artiste. So yeah those? I drew them. Ran them off at a fucking best. I have an art degree. An artiste. So yeah, they're five bucks we've signed and we're gonna be hanging around afterwards.

If you wanna come say hi, grab a poster, please do. Yep. And now just a little something to close with because we love y'all and because we were so excited to be asked to do Sketch Fest, the world's greatest comedy festival. We're so happy people came to this. As you know, if you listen to the show,

we're obsessed with the Godzilla remix. This is a song on the soundtrack of the bad American Godzilla movie from 1998, where they just play a Green Day song, call it the Godzilla remix, and insert Godzilla roaring. That's all they do. And it really does do something. Like it slaps. It's pretty good. Like they didn't do anything to the song but add the Godzilla screaming like but it's sick. It's sick. It's the only version I listen to. It's on my running soundtrack.

But we, but this got us thinking. What if instead of just having Godzilla roaring in the middle of a popular song, what if popular songs were actually about Godzilla? Hit it. Oh, here we go. You gotta give it a second. One, two, one, two, three.

What if Godzilla was one of us? Not a monster who snapped on us. Uh-uh, she's leaving. It's been good. Not a guy who could beat a bus, trying to make his way. Yeah! Goodbye!

Bye, Shana. Bye, Shana! If Godzilla had a face, would it breathe fire? And would you want to see if seeing meant that you would have to believe? Believe. If seeing meant that you would have to believe In things like Manila and in Mothra and Rodan and King Ghidorah Yeah, yeah, Godzilla is great

Yeah, yeah, Godzilla is good Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two, three, four. Godzilla, what have I done? You're a big chunky guy, and you're a big metaphor. Oh, Mothra. I'm just having fun stepping on tanks. It's where I belong, down at the Godzilla Club.

I'm gonna keep on smashing at the Godzilla Club. I'm gonna keep on smashing down at old Tokyo. I'm gonna keep on smashing down at old Tokyo I'm gonna keep on smashing at the Godzilla Club Godzilla Club Godzilla only knows what I'd be without you If you should stop my city Well I'd run away, believe me Soldiers would not protect me

So what good are guns, you feel me Godzilla knows what I'd be without you Godzilla knows what I'd be without you Everybody, if you're feeling it, stand up Ask your neighbor permission If they're okay with it, put your arms around them. Sing along with them. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you.

Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. SF Sketch Fest, the punchline. Thank you so much. Godzilla knows what I'd be without you. Don of Christmas, no one's funnier. Emily Fleming, Matt Leib, I'm Jordan Morris.

The podcast is Free With Ads. Good night. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Yeah. Thank you! Good night everybody! Yeah! That was Free With Ads Live! Thanks to everybody at SF SketchFest and to our hilarious guest, Shana Christmas. You can check out all her social media links in the show notes.

Before we go, Emily would like to let you know that she is on Cameo for all your personal message needs. Hit Emily up on Cameo. And I would like to let you know that I contributed to two awesome comics anthologies that you can pre-order now at your local comic book shop. Web of Spider-Verse New Blood comes out March 5th from Marvel Comics. It's a bunch of cool Spider-Man stories. And Godzilla vs. LA comes out April 30th. The Godzilla book is a benefit for folks affected by the LA wildfires, so pick that up and know that all the money is going to a good cause. Alright, that's it. Tune in next week when our movie will

be Valley Girl. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,