Free With Ads - Underworld (2003), with Jordan D White

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

We are joined by returning guest Jordan D White (Marvel, Nature Trail To Hell) to talk about Underworld, the early aughts vampire werewolf goth slop that turned Kate Beckinsale into a Hot Topic staple. Tune in next week when our movie will be... Ouija. ----- If you are in Vancouver Canada, come see Matt Lieb do stand up on April 5th at Chill x Studio! Listen to Jordan D White's horror podcast Nature Trail To Hell. Buy the comic book Web Of Venom written by Jordan Morris coming out on April 8th. Emily was on the podcast Scam Goddess. Listen to it now!  

This is free with ads, the podcast that asked the question, why pay a gas station $10 for a pack of clove cigarettes when you can go online for free and watch a movie that will make you feel like you're inside a clove cigarette? I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Underworld, the movie that shows you what it's like

in a hot topic employee's head when they take mushrooms. With us, as always, is the super producer, The He Freak, Matt Leeb, hitting us with those drops forged by an ancient evil. Don't come to my house. else I'll suck your dick of blood. I'll suck your blood. I have to use that every time we do a vampire movie.

What is that from again? I recognize it. It's an old meme. I've done it four times now, Jordan. I know. Have you had to explain it to me every time? I've had to explain it every single time and I'm never tired of it. Well, that's good because the listeners are probably listening to this in whatever order. That's a good point.

So they need to be explained. It's good. It's good that I'm asking questions. I might need to also let the listeners know. It's from an old meme where this guy puts on like a, he's got a vampire filter. And he says, it's Halloween. Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick, blood. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it.

I also have another one. I have another one for people who are like, do a normal one, Matt. Here it is. Time to die. Time to die. It's Bill Nye saying time to die. Is it Bill Nye or Bill Nyehi? I thought it was Bill Nye, the British guy.

I think it is Bill Nijie. So he should be saying time to die he. Yeah, exactly. That's on him. Bill Nihi, the science guy he, anyway. Well, and also, Jordan, you said that clove cigarettes in a gas, like, gas station, I've tried to find him in L.A. and they ain't selling them. I found him in Los Angeles.

Or no, I found him in Nashville. And that's where I. Oh, yeah. You're, you're recording in Nashville today. You're there. Yes. Making a super secret project. Oh, right.

But I have a secret stash of cloves in my apartment. Oh, yeah. For like a special occasion. How long have they been there? I'd say about four years. I'd just save them in case I want a barf real bad. Well, they age like wine, right? Low cigarettes.

They get better as the longer they stay under a mattress. But I think you can't buy them in Los Angeles because of all the kind of legislation that's like passed about flavored stuff. Like I don't know. Like there's, but in Nashville. Is there a mamie state? Yeah, but in Nashville, you can go to these bougie smoke shops and get them in many flavors.

There's like a bunch of different kinds of clothes. Freedom in Nashville where you can smoke any kind of flavored cigarette, not like in California. Also, you can sling a colossomy bag full of shit around in the kid rock bar. So look that up. It's a real thing. Did that something that happened? Is that something that's not legal in Los Angeles?

Well, it's more common in Nashville, I guess. No, during COVID, there was a thing where, you know, bars weren't supposed to have people in them, but, you know, the strip, the downtown strip in Nashville were kind of given the middle finger to, you know, I guess. So people in Florida, I don't know. People in Florida read the news about what's happening in Nashville and go like, well, at least that, at least they start us. Yeah, what a ones are weirdos? Exactly. But there was, the cops came in and tried to fight an alligator with a chainsaw. But yeah, I guess that, you know, the cops and stuff tried to come in and be like,

you're at capacity. There's too many people in this bar. And some guy pulled his Colossopy bag out and swang it in the air like it was beads on Mardi Gras and it sprayed everywhere. Wow. That was in the news. And they did. And they recreated that at Kid Rock Super Bowl halftime show.

That was part of the halftime show. Well, I think that was just the sound. It was the sound of the music. It reminded you of someone swinging a colossomy bag. It sure did. I mean, if you just want to ride your turks, and feed your dog. I mean, unfortunately, you're going to have to deal with people that also swing

colasmy bags around. Those are your people. Well, hey, we have a very special movie today and a very special guest here to talk about this movie with us. He's an editor at Marvel Comics and one of the hosts of the horror movie podcast, Nature Trail to Hell, our second ever returning guest, Jordan D. White. Hi, Jordan D. White. Thank you for him.

having me. Your second returning guest, that's an honor. Yeah, most of our guests have been bad and we're like, okay, that was a one-time thing. No, he's joking. Most of our guests do not want to come back. Yeah, yeah, they turned us down. But yes, welcome back. We're glad to have you. And before we talk about the movie, we're going to talk to you in a segment we call Talk to Guest. So, on your podcast, Nature Trail to Hell, I don't think, correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think you've done a series on like classic monsters. We're talking about, you know, Frankenstein's Wolfman's, the Monster Mashed Monsters. No, we haven't.

And we've talked about it. Stefan, my co-host is a big fan of like the universal monster movies. And I have never watched those. So usually we're watching horror movies that I've watched and he hasn't. We've talked about flipping the script and having it do that. I just am having not watched them, I know that they're supposed to be good and all. but like I also feel like will it be as fun to talk about them as like a silly 80s movie? It's a great question.

I also, I love those movies. I'm in Stefan's Camp too. Something great about them. They're all about 70 minutes, so that's nice. And they can get a little boring, but they all have like a scene or an image that you're like, oh, that's been burned into pop culture forever and it changed movies. It's in a Muppet Babies episode. For sure. That's how you know a movie's influential when Gonzo opens the closet in Muffin Babies and there's a screenshot of the movie in there.

Nice. Do you have any personal favorite old school monsters, having not seen a lot of the source movies? Well, so I haven't seen the source movies, but I've certainly seen like, you know, the ones that came later. From my childhood, I'm a big fan of Monster Squad. Oh, you know, I shouldn't say this. Didn't we talk about maybe doing Monster Squad this episode? We did. It's a possibility.

It's okay. For the third. Yeah, that's someone I have not seen. I haven't seen it either. It's a good time. It's a good time. Are they cops? No, no.

Yes, no. It's a crossover with the police academy. Because it sounds like they're cops. Well, I think this was a good movie to pick because it's like, it's, it's just everywhere all the time and it's like why. So I'm glad that we picked Underworld for you because this feels like... It certainly is a franchise. It's a franchise.

And there's lots to talk about in this film. Exactly. But explain Monster Squad because I'm still interested. Oh, yeah, real quick. Monster Squad is the, it's set in the 80s and it's about a group of like 80s teens, not even teens, like young teens. And the monsters are coming back to like cause the apocalypse like Dracula, Frank Einstein, werewolf, you know, mommy,

creature from the Black Lagoon type thing. They're all coming back around and they're going to do the apocalypse. And this like, you know, misfit group of kids has to stop it. And it's super fun. And I saw it, of course, as a misfit kid and I loved it. Yeah. There was a lot of 80s movies where like a kid got to be friends with a monster. That was like, yeah.

What was little monster? Was it that one? Oh, that's with Howie Mandel. Yes. Yeah. I don't have a lot of memories of that movie, but I do remember it's one of those things that I thought was so funny as a kid. He calls a bra, get this, an over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

Damn, that is good, though. And when I was eight, I was like, oh, my God, nothing will ever be that funny. Yeah, that is, that's, that might be the funniest thing I've ever heard, Jordan. It's actually really good. It's really good. And you know what? I relate. Wait, wait, wait, little monsters didn't have Fred Savage.

in it. He wasn't the kid. I think it's Fred Savage and Howie Mandela. Fred Savage, too. I remember being scared to death of that movie as a kid. It scared the shit out of me. I don't know why. Because it was like, wasn't he going to turn into a monster at some point? Like, I can't remember. We should watch that movie. But Howie Mandela is like bright blue and silly looking. Like he's not monstrous. I don't know. He looks, he looks scary to me. He's a scary guy. JDW, what were the movies that traumatized you as a kid? What were the, you know, what were the return to Oz's? What were the never-ending stories?

I loved all those movies. So like, so to be traumatized, do I have to not like it? No. I think that's kind of part of being traumatized as a kid by a movie. It's like you automatically get really into it too. Okay. It's a weird push-pull. I think the two scenes that scared me the most are not.

in horror movies, but rather, well, either are references. And they're classics. Everybody mentions these. But the librarian and Ghostbusters and Large Marge in Pee We Spade Adventure. Yeah, yeah, those are big. Those are them. Those are the, yeah, people are age. Those are two of the main drama.

But yeah, but yeah, two wonderful movies that, like, you love. Nothing scary than what about Bob? That's the scariest movie. Oh, yeah. Well, and my mind was blown when I realized I knew for a little. long time that I had seen Gremlins very, very young and I saw it in the theater when it came out. But I eventually went, wait, what year did that come out? 1983.

I saw it in the theater as a three-year-old. Whoa. And I don't know how that happened. Your parents. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, I remember going to see the witches as a five-year-old. Oh, the witches.

I was still in preschool, like about to go to kindergarten because there was this cool girl. We were about to go to kindergarten, and I wanted to be her friend. She goes, oh, yeah, I saw it in theaters. It's really scary. But I could handle it. And I went, okay. And my mom took me, and she was like, are you sure? And as soon as she was pulling her face skin off, I ran out of that theater.

I ran. And my mom was like, that's okay. You thought you could do it. And I still to this day think that that movie is so terrifying. Did you lie to the cool girl and say you saw it all the way through him? I don't think I ever talked to her again. Oh shit. Resentment.

You caught to resentment. I just think I was too embarrassed to tell her. That's fair. I just remembered that when I was, because I just did the math in my head and went, wait, when was that? I just remembered seeing a big chunk of aliens on HBO when I was like in second grade, which definitely is too young for aliens. Was it on sci-fi channel? Like you were clicking through the cable? It was the real deal.

It was uncensored. Uncensored. Oof. And then taxi cab confessions came on after it. Yeah. You're like, oh, good. I can chase this with some titties. Yeah, I just know that clicking through cable was something when I was a kid and then

you'd land on sci-fi channel and see if you could handle it. Like when I was a kid. And I would just be like, and then it would be something really scary. And then I'd click away immediately and be like, that was terrifying. I can't look at sci-fi channel. It's kind of like a challenge. It was. It was.

Well, yeah, let's talk about speaking of cable movies. Transition. Very nice. Today's movie, I think, you know, is one of the last cable movies. It's, yeah, I have not seen this all the way through, you know, until now. Same. But yeah, little bits and pieces on cable, flipping around, one of the five movies in this franchise that has five movies. It's underworld.

Had anyone seen this? free podcast? Yep. Oh yeah. Matt had. I saw it in theaters with my emo college roommate. Hell yeah. Diddo.

I saw it in theaters too. It was like he was already a vampire guy, like very hot topic coded person. He wasn't a goth, but he was like a light goth, you know, goth curious. Yeah. And he pretty much forced the issue. We had to see this movie. And then he spent the rest of like. the month afterwards talking about

how much he loved Kate Beckinsale. It was very cute. I mean, I get it. She's like, oh yeah, I get it. So beautiful. JDW, what was your, do you remember your viewing of this in theaters and what you thought?

I don't remember like the actual experience, but I do remember I didn't think it was very good. I mean, you were, I was a hot topic. like light goth myself at that time in college. So I definitely was interested. So what are we talking? Spiked bracelet, guiliner, black nails.

I did sometimes use. I sometimes wore eyeliner. I would, I would never been that stylish. Wow. So I was much more. No, no.

But I would wear like Hot Topic T-shirts. I definitely had the Got Blood T-shirt for sure. Oh, yeah. I do what the voices in my head tell me to. Like that kind of stuff. Sure. Absolutely. And we, I, for a little while in college, I did do some hair coloring back when I had hair.

But yeah, for, in fact, when I started dating my wife, I had bright pink hair that I got by accident because I was, I bleached my hair and then tried to dye it black. But I didn't wait long enough between the two things. And my hair, the black dye became a beautiful pink. Did you, did you lean in and say like, this is on purpose? I didn't say it was on purpose, but I was like, actually, that looks pretty neat. And so I stuck with it. I stayed with it. And it had like a still bleach blonde in front.

So I kind of like vaguely inspired by Jerry Hollowell and the spice girls. Listen, I just got black tips on my hair. I'm like feeling like I'm very kind of, I did want to do that. I wanted to have the two blonde streaks. And then I was like, it's been done. I don't know. Well, yeah, let's talk about what happens in underworld. We start out with a very long and detailed lore dump.

Kate Beck and Sale, she's perched on a gargoyle. It's a dark and stormy and matrixy night out. Yes, that's what this feels like. It feels like if vampires were in the matrix and they just, we just do guns now. I don't know. It's so clear that they just were like, how can we do the matrix again? Again, like what else can we do to Matrix? Maybe we have a lot of comic book kind of, you know, geniuses here today.

Like, was this a comic? This feels like it had to have been a comic book or something. No, but it's a very comic booky story. Like, for sure. And it looks like a comic book, doesn't it? And it feels, the first movie feels like a sequel. So you could see how you might go into this thinking, like, oh, there's probably a bunch of comics that I'm supposed to have read. because yeah, it does feel like we're kind of starting

in the middle of a story, which sometimes can be good for storytelling. Now that I've watched the movie, which I watched on YouTube, it was available at the time on YouTube free. Now I'm getting suggestions of analyzing specific characters. And there's one character who you see

for maybe two minutes. And it's analyzed the history of how this vampire is like a historical, significant thing. And I'm like, What the fuck is like there's no way this movie is that deep. Like there are four sequels. There are four sequels.

Yeah. But there ain't no prequels. Are you sure? No, there is a prequel. One of them is the rise of the likens that I think is just about the Bill Nyee character. Who is not a lichen, but sure. There's not a lichen. Wait, hold on.

But I do liken him in this movie. He's not, but he hates the lichens. But I do like him. I tried to do that, Matt. I know, but you didn't. do it. You're right. So I did it for you.

So you did it. Thank you. Wait, Matt, do you have Bill Nijie's song from Love Actually queued up? I don't, but you know I can at any point. Okay. Well, I got to tell you, so my parents, I'm visiting home and I've played it in the morning

at like 11 a.m. sitting there in my pajamas. And every once in a while my parents would walk by with their coffee and go, what the hell is this? And then I feel like, it's underworld. Uh-huh. And then my dad goes, I like Bill Nihi. He's in love actually.

He's a funny guy. And I'm like, well, he's not funny in this. No. He's slimy in this. But he goes, he sings that song and Love Actually. I like that song. I'm like, okay. So we got to play that song for my dad.

We'll play the song at some point. But yeah, so we have, it's Kate Beckinsale. We get a huge lore dump about the war between the vampires and the Likens. she's a death dealer, which is a vampire that hunts down lichens. She does a very matrixy jump off of the roof. And then, yeah, so her and her vampire partners start chasing some vampire or some werewolves, some lichens who haven't transformed yet. So basically the first big action scene contains no monster shit.

As Emily alluded to, it's just people shooting each other with guns. It's like, I hated it. I guess these are vampires and werewolves. It's just a scene from The Matrix. It takes place in a subway station. And this subway station is like the only time when we see any people in this movie that aren't the main characters. Yeah, that's true. They live in a world where no one else exists except in this subway.

So yeah, it's the only time there's extras. I was giving my assistant, my assistant Emerald. Shout out Emerald. Hi, if you're listening. Oh, yeah, I know Emerald. She's great. Well, she is a fan of this film. And so I was definitely giving her like guff after watching it.

Sorry, Emerald, if we say anything. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving this movie. Like, for sure. I get why this movie is cool. When we get to the reviews, somebody might be coming down a little positive on it anyway. Oh, no. So, mild spoilers ahead. But I was giving her some guff because I was going, like, yeah, this is a movie where vampires do those classic vampire things we love, like shooting guns and jumping from a tall height and

landing okay. Yeah. Like those are their two main actions in this film. Yeah, not a lot of biting, not a lot of turns forming into bats. I mean, to be fair. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Jordan. No, I was going to say there is no, no, zero instances of normal vampires drinking blood.

There are three times when somebody bites somebody or drinks some blood, but it's always some weird circumstance of like it's part of a ceremony or, ooh, that'll heal him. It has nothing to do with being hungry for blood ever, ever. Yeah, that's true. there's a lot of vampire lore, which we talk about things with lore when it's, we like it when they don't. They show it. They don't explain it. But I could have used with some explanations in this, like, to be perfectly honest, I was like, what?

There was so much explanation. There was so much just. I don't know. What were they sipping in the little bottles? And like, I don't know what's going on. Like, there were vampires sipping little tiny bottles. And I was like, that looks good. What's that?

I think I agree with both of you. Emily, I do think there's some things. they don't explain enough, and there's some things they explain too much. They never get it quite right. I think if you want what I believe is the explanation, having just watched the film, the blot bottles. When they go to their safe house later, spoiler. Which one?

The vampires? Yeah, when Celine takes Michael to the safe house where they torture people. No, no. The one where they torture people. Wait, there's two houses? No, no. It's not an actual house. It's like a secret place in the city where they bring.

bring werewolves and torture them and try to get information out of them. Oh, no. And when they get there, there's a bunch of like medical stuff there, including bags of blood. And she kind of casually says, oh, yes, that's how we like got rich or something is that we invented synthetic blood. And that's how like why we're so rich. Right. So I think they're all drinking the synthetic blood. Yeah.

That's why they're rich. Does that mean that they started a vampire business? Yes. Well, no. I think it they sell it to like people too to like save lives. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to know about the economics of the fake blood.

That to me is interesting. The vampire economy is fascinating. Right. I mean, they have very nice houses. I don't know if I can even comment on this movie anymore. I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Is it possible you watched underworld, colon, blood hunt, or what of the other? Or is it possible?

I just watched things and went, I don't know, he's in a room and they gave him some blood. I'm just going to go with the flow. That sounds like what happened. It's not a deep film. I just kind of went, new room, cool. Also, every location in this movie looks exactly alike. And the lighting is this, everything is blue and gray. Also, there's one hospital where somebody, like, went, you got to go with the cops.

And then there's another hospital where somebody straps. them to a chair and I'm like this same hospital right? I think both the vampires and werewolves have separate torture labs. Well that's fun. Anyway, so there's a big shootout. Nobody's a monster for a long time. But then we do get a little bit of transformation. One of the werewolf guys,

werewolves out and this is kind of cool. It's practical. It's a guy in a suit. It was cool. The practical effects in this were lit. I liked them a lot. Yeah. I think we talked about this a little when we did Alien versus Prey.

in that like some of these B movies from this era age really well because it's mostly practical and a little bit of CGI. So I think this movie still looks pretty fucking cool. It sure fucking does. Sometimes you can't tell what's going on because it's too dark. But at the time something cool is happening, I think this is a, this can be a very neat looking movie, these werewolves especially. I would never like the things that I struggle with in this movie have nothing to do with

the aesthetics and the practical effects. I think that yes, the practical effects, the costumes. the production design, all of that. That is the highlight for me. And the acting. I think every actor who's in this is fucking killing it. There's some fun acting. I'll quibble on a few of the actors.

Yeah, not every single actor. But there's a couple of good ones. There's a couple of really good. Yeah, there's some fun performances. So I will say this. I didn't watch the show Felicity. That kind of came out when I wasn't allowed. My parents were like, when I was a kid, you can only watch shows with kids in it.

Like, if you're not a teenager, you're not watching teenagers, which I think, I don't know, in retrospect, whatever. But so Felicity came out and I wasn't watching it, but I did see the two dudes that she had the love triangle with. And the dude who plays our half-wearwolf, half-vampire guy, I remember thinking, Scott Speedman, the impeccably named Scott Speedman. He is something else. So when I saw him, I was like, okay, I'm in.

I'm into this movie. It's two very attractive people. He's going to take his shirt off plenty But I don't know that I think he's a very good actor But not the worst But not the worst That's not what I said I cared about He didn't mention his acting once

But I also think that if you're a very bad actor You're unwatchable So I think being in a movie like this That is kind of like, you know Farfetched, it's campy In a weird way But you have to play it seriously Like a Blade movie

He's not unwatchable And I think that him his transformation in the back of a car, pretty cool. I thought he did a great job. I think that's a fun moment, too. I think he's a good actor. Sorry. I mean, to be, yeah, you know what, to be fair, I guess what I really think is.

Mommy, like, where will vampire boy? The two performances I like the least are also probably the characters who I think are just written the poorest as well. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah, him and then the other one being, oh, what's his name? Craven? Yes, Craven. His character sucks.

So there's a... But he's supposed to... suck, right? No, but I feel like his like, most of his motivations aren't he's a vampire. He's a sniveling little bitch, but you're also like, why

would he leave that guy as the leadership? Because he covered up his, anyway, all right. Okay, we gotta get back to that. So Craven is the guy who leads the vampires and Michael Sheen is the boss of the werewolves. The best.

Michael Sheen fucking rips in this movie. There's a few scenes where he and Craven have to act together, and it's such an acting gap. Like Michael Sheen is just Killing it, knows what movie he's in, and then Krav it is just like, you know, kind of floundering. So anyway. It's pretty interesting.

So we sometimes talk on this podcast, which I wish we could figure out a sting for this thing. I could figure out any sting. All right. Okay. We start to talk about how actors, like past roles they had probably got them a different role. And so Michael Sheen, he did this and then he ended up in Twilight. Right. And I'm pretty sure that kind of like his qualifications for doing this ridiculous movie.

They went, oh, he could pull off a weird wig and red contact lenses in a teen movie and elevate it to a level of like really good. So I have a feeling this movie leveled him to that weird movie. And I think after that he, it was clear that he would be perfect in Frost Nixon. I had a pre-planned Frost Nixon joke. Thank you for beating me to it. I'm sorry. I love that movie. You didn't do it yet.

No, you're right. I didn't do it. Then he did that show. Is it called Good Omen's or whatever where he plays an angel? I think that that's kind of supernatural through line of things he did is like he's able to make something that's so can't like anyone else would make it look stupid. He's able to give it this grounded kind of performance to pull it off. He was absolutely the best performance. And I loved his look in it because I've seen him in a lot of things too, but where he looks a lot more like his normal self with his like curly hair and kind of like.

Well, especially I see him older. See him young with that like long hair and the beard. He just looked so different and it had a great tone. He was perfect. I don't think I've ever seen him this young before. So I was looking at him and I was, is that handsome man from Frost Nixon? And it was him. I was very surprised by it.

He's such a good actor. And he really like, I like an actor that's like, you know, I'll take whatever part and I'll fucking swing for the fences with it and kill it. But also, you know, he was married to. Kate Beckinsale. They have a child together. I didn't know that. Did they meet on this movie? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't know. I don't know if they bet on this movie. Is that true? Yes, it's true. No, no, no. I think you're, I think, Michael Sheen? Yes. Oh my God, he was married to her too.

Yes. Because she also. Was she married to you? She was married to the director of the film. Oh, no. Did they meet on this movie and then? Oh. I didn't know that.

That's make a, make a mini-series about the making of this movie. this movie? And do you know that they have a daughter together? I'm pretty sure. But did you know? So they are no longer together. But then he started dating Sarah Silverman. What?

And then Sarah Silverman and Kate Beckinsale like became besties and are like friends and shit. Whoa. And it makes me love Kate Beckinsale and Michael Sheehan so much. I'm like, what a cool couple of people. Yeah. So yeah, he's in this. He's the leader of the werewolves. After the big fight, he like dresses down the werewolves and their werewolf, you know,

They like living a sewer. They're kind of like the werewolves are like literal. They're kind of like the ninja turtles. They love pizza. Oh, God, I wish the werewolves all ate pizza. That'd be so fucking funny. Well, instead they have like fight clubs. We saw no female werewolves in this movie.

No, it's all dudes. And yeah, they transform back and they're like naked and the werewolves are obviously jacked. They have gutters longer than the opening crawl of this movie. So yeah. So the were trying to like claw their way. back to the surface and get the vampires. So back at the, you know, vampire mansion, Kate Beck and Sale kind of goes back and reports

back. I guess the werewolves now have UV bullets that harness the power of light and can now they can like have a weapon to kill the vampires. Right. That's where she, you know, interacts with Craven for the first time. He's the whiny little bitch that runs the vampires. There's this thing he says to her where he's like trying to get her to come to like a high society vampire ball.

and she just wants to like dig in and find out how to kill the werewolves. And I'm like, this is such an interesting dynamic. She's supposed to be this like high society woman who's like at his side, but she's just this warrior. They do nothing with this. There's like a, yeah, there's like a storyline B plot or D plot that is there if you look really hard, but barely is there of he wants her to be like his queen. He wants to marry her. And they mentioned it like this much. Mcross at all.

Like there's one or two lines that references it. And that's why part of why at the end he's so upset that there's this like couple who is like hot for each other all of a sudden. There was also this beautiful blonde like vampire who's like kind of her friend, but also like more in favor of the institution of this coven of vampires, which it's fun that they call it a coven. Usually you hear that in terms of witches. But I like that. Also the mansion is very cool. But so they've become very decadent in the time of their like this ancient leader that they've got, which we will meet later. And this Craven guy got left in charge and it's like, why the fuck?

Anyway. But yeah, Kate Beggottsil's character never seen a hairbrush in her life. Also never washed it. It is just hair that is just, it's placed just so. It's always a little dirty and a little frazzled but hangs perfectly. I'm a little obsessed with this haircut, which I tried to get it, and then I just looked like a nice lady. I didn't look like a death dealer. You didn't look like, can you give me the death dealer?

It looked like a manager haircut. Like, can I talk to the manager haircut? Trust me, I tried to cut it off when I first moved to L.A. Biggest mistake of my life. I don't look good in that. But she looks so cool in it. Well, you should also talk about her outfit because. Well, here's the other thing.

I wouldn't dare put on a gown. But I'll put some, uh, some Vicks vapor rub on my pussy and slide into this fucking, this fucking vinyl leather jumpsuit. Like, what the fuck? Petroleum jelly. I couldn't remember the words petroleum jelly. So I said Vicks vapor rub, which I'm sure has petroleum jelly in it. But just bear with me. I feel like it would be bad to put there.

Don't you think, I mean, don't get it near your, or if, well, I mean. But also don't come to this show for medical advice. Yes. Also, yes. But I mean, that Dr. Bonner's shit, that is just as bad as put a wig or rub on your pussy. But, like, no, it's like her wearing this skin tight pleather situation, put on a dress for five minutes and go to the party and, I don't know, eat a heart or something. Get some protein. We don't see her in any other outfit, right?

She's only in this one leather outfit. But damn, is it the coolest fucking outfit of all time? You cannot argue that Kate Beck and Say, doesn't look cool at all times. And honestly, I think she's a tremendous actress in this movie. She's got to carry this ridiculous plot line. Sure. And kind of make everyone else around her make sense.

And like, I think she's a fantastic actress. I don't care what anyone says. Well, who looks better? Her, Trinity. Oh, good question. Sorry. Carrie Ann Moss Arachor. But we can have, listen.

But honestly, if we're, if we're talking about the leather jump-suited women of the late 90s and early 2000s, we have to talk about Milo Jovovich. We have to. Yes. Lilo Dallas multipath. You talk about fifth element? Or are we talking about the like Resident Evil situation?

Both. Because that's a dress. That's not a leather situation. I think in various, in certain Resident Evil sequel, she is wearing an outfit more like this. But she does have, but yeah, you're right. The first one does have the famous. red dress, which you also like I think that for me, Carrie and Moss, badass motherfucker,

she just unfortunately had to deal with a sleeveless leather jumpsuit. Yeah. It's just not flattering to a pasty white woman. No offense to her. I am one as well. But this like full body just kind of and she had like a corset on on top of it,

Kate Beckett's sale and then like this cool boots. And then a trench. Like I'm sorry. Kate Beckett's sale. And then. But I will say Carrie Ann Moss's Those sunglasses

Those weird Like alien slithery Oval sunglasses they had in the 2000s Which I think those are about to come back Big time Those Oakley's Like those Kind of goggly

You know what I'm talking about? Like Bono used to wear? Oh yeah Yes yes You heard of here first 2027 we're all gonna have giant bug eye glasses They're definitely back

But yeah Cape Beck itself for the win Carrie Am Moss both her amyla Jovovich badasses, but I got a vote. So yeah, so the vampires, they're planning an assault against the werewolves. And they have the bright idea. They've just invented just now in this thousand-year war. They have just now invented silver bullets.

The one thing everybody, just now you're doing this? We all know that that kills werewolves. No, no, no, no. Listen, I don't want to be here as the person defending the film. But oh, so somebody loves, somebody wants to marry underworld. Wait, okay, tell me, explain this to me because I'm like, I think you should have done this earlier. No, they've had silver bullets, like bullets just made out of silver, like hunks of metal that they go into them and it hurts them. But we see in the first scene the werewolves can like just push really hard and pop them back out.

No, no, no. I thought it was he took this serum when he was in the elevator. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Sheehan, that's what I'm confused about what the serum is that he took. Well, then I don't know. That I don't know. Okay, good. So we agree.

They didn't tell us about all the lore. They didn't. You're right. But the vampires take the bullets that have liquid sun in them somehow. I don't know how that works. By the way, also I don't know what bullets, very famously, like an explosion happens. So what are these things made out of that contains a liquid that. Can survive an explosion.

Once it hits you? Yeah, exactly. But anyway, they've taken that. Well, I don't know much about what are normal bullets usually made out of steel? Yeah, just metal. I mean, I don't know what kind. Lead maybe when they say eat lead, hot lead, I don't know. That's heck in the day.

I guess you're right. This is a bunch of pussy-ass liberals over here going on. We're bullets might out. I don't know. Right. But they went to. There's some, there's some agro dude out there who's like, I thought, I didn't know these guys were snowflakes. I thought they were cool.

But no, I think that it was a cool scene when Michael Sheen was in the elevator. He drinks some kind of serum in there, which they also inject our boy, the, like, you know, the boy who's a bad actor or whatever. I'm going to call him Ben because he's from Felicity and he played a guy named Ben, I think. And they inject him with something, which I think is supposed to do something to a lichen. I can't remember what it was. It stops them from transforming. Yeah, but then. That thing that they put in him.

But Michael, she didn't drink some kind of serum that allows him to push all the bullets out of his body. And it just looks like sometimes what I could do after a holiday dinner, like to myself. So that's Emily, Emily, when she hasn't eaten enough fiber. It just comes right out my neck. Yeah. So just to go back to the bullets, what the vampires invented was they took the liquid sunshed, bullets and went, hey, good idea. Instead of liquid sunshine, we'll put in silver nitrate.

And so instead of just having hunks of silver in them, they now will have silver pumping through their veins, which they can't just pop back out. That was cool as hell. So yeah, so they have these new bullets, which, okay, I love how fucking extra the vampires are in this movie. They do their target practice on like marble busts. They don't use just like a cut out of a guy. They have these marble like busts come out of a target practice thing.

I'm like, you fucking vampires are awesome. They're rich and decadent. Well, that's kind of the thing. And they're blood assholes about it. Yeah, bloodbunny character, which is this ancient vampire who was their leader, who has to go into, I guess, sleep mode in order to like rest for a while and then come out stronger. Yeah.

There's this kind of complicated thing where there's three leaders and one can be awake, but two have to be asleep. Yeah, I mean, basically they just set up a like sequel device. They're like, it's like, oh God, in one of those conjuring movies at the end, they like take whatever the cursed object is and they open a special door in their house and they put it in this like special room of cursed objects. And I'm like, it's the sequel room. You just have a whole sequel room in your house. Dude, I've never seen a conjuring movie. Put that on the list, guys.

Oh, yeah, they're fun. They're really scary. I think the real people that it is based on are kind of assholes. Oh, they're a huge asshole. That's why I wouldn't see them. That's reason. Because I understand not wanting to see them.

Yeah. But there is something to be said about the impact it has had on American horror cinema. So I do think that it is worth watching, but you could still acknowledge that their fucking pieces are sent. Yeah. But the whole thing about these ancient, you know, vampires that have to go into sleep mode in this. like locked kind of tomb thing. But when, you know, they are awoken early, you find out that like this decadent lifestyle has been happening within the sleep mode of these ancient vampires.

The guy he left, they've just been. They're super like decadent. They were wealthy. They were gold and all this shit. They're not really fighting the war. They're just being stupid and kind of like now. So Obama is in a basement somewhere sleeping And eventually we will wake him up

I don't know So Bill Nye Hey Obama's out there making movies for Netflix Okay Is he or is it AI Obama? I don't know So yeah So Bill Nye as we mentioned

Is there like vampire leader So Kate Beck and Sale wakes him up early She like drips a bunch of blood in his coffin And we get to see it like awake in his circulatory system Super cool. Yeah, that was a neat sequence. Good, good, like fun CGI. Yeah, there's a couple like CGI moments and it's like, you know, it's very bad CGI. And this, this movie like had a PlayStation 2 game, which makes sense because it looks like a PlayStation 2 game. And in the CGI sequences. But they're really fun and like kind of well, well implemented, I think. Well, I don't know, the internal like the way that it was crunchy and stuff, because you see his mummified. kind of corpse within the sarcophagus thing and then feeling the blood like crickety crack all the like vessels and organs like open I found that very satisfying personally it's fun and yeah so he been

then bill and Iy wakes up and he's kind of in zombie mode still so it's a lot of like cool makeup and he's attached to all these like blood bags that kind of like hover over him that's a neat effect um so yeah basically so Scott speedman is this human that they're all chasing and he has some sort of lineage, blah, blah, chosen one where they're trying to make him into a, like, hybrid vampire werewolf. So he's the one human who can do it for some reason. Lord Dump to explain it. Yeah.

Big Lord Dump. And then, yeah, so everybody's after this guy to try and make him into a hybrid. We've learned that Craven and Michael Sheen have kind of been in cahoots this whole time, trying to, like, bring about this apocalypse type thing. So, yeah. So basically they... Wait, because, because, like, apparently, because part of the deal is the reason Craven is so popular, to whatever extent he's popular, is that he killed the king of the werewolves. Right, they say.

Lusian. Yes. Yeah. And they say. And it was very unclear to me different parts of the movie, whether that was supposed to be, like, 10 years ago or, like, 500 years ago or what? Yeah. Because I don't know that vampires live forever, presumably, but, like, do werewolves? live forever.

We're a werewolf lifespan. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, that's a great point. I didn't even think about that. Is it like dog years? Yeah, they die really fast. Yeah, they usually dive hip dysplasia.

Yeah. Oh, we took Lucian to a farm upstate where he'll be very happy. And he'll run around with a bunch of other werewolves. This is a, this is a rescue Lucian. Right. Who saved two? Down. So, yeah.

So they, apparently, but it was a fake. Like, they only evident. they had that he was really dead was like a, like a tattoo or a brand or something that was carved off his arm or something. We have his collar. Yes. So yeah, the cops who I think are secretly wherewolves get him and they inject him with the like doesn't transform serum. He has this kind of cool freak out in the back of the police car we mentioned that I think is really cool. I thought that was a cool scene. But also were the cops, I guess the cops were also lichens?

I think they were like planted werewolves. So when he starts to transform to like drown out his screams, the cops crank the radio and just fucking 2003 new metal comes on. Yes, it ruled. Right. You know, I don't, no one explicitly tells us to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches, but that's the vibe.

It's the vibe. And so yeah. So yeah, then they kind of take him to the vampire thing and we get a lot more lore dump. So the backstory of Kate Beck and Saylor, she thinks that werewolves killed her family and that Bill Nihi saved her. But the thing we learn

because they suppress history is that Bill Nihi actually killed her family and then wanted to turn her because she looked like a dead daughter that happened in another Lord Dump. Hey, it's weird that their society wants to repress history. When I read that, I'm like,

what is this? A dang documentary? Yay! You did the thing! What is this thing? Wait, do we have a sting for that? No, that's a human thing. I'm my own sting.

He's his own sting for that. Okay, I think this is the only recurring joke that we have on our podcast that is not a sting. And I really, you know what? I like that. Okay, because I could always, I could make a sting that says something like, it's one of the thing. Whenever he did. No, it's did the sting.

Oh, wait, it did the thing. It's a did the thing sting. Oh, and then whenever you do a sting, you play one that says did the sting. Oh, my God. And then it just goes on. ever and ever. Right. Well, I think the dang...

That's what people like about the show, though. They like the stings. Yeah, yeah. That's why they listen. Well, but I think that like sometimes when people do comments, they're like, what is this? A dang documentary? And it's like more of a recurring joke than any of our stinks. Yeah.

And I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen, sometimes sentences can be stings. Very interesting. Okay. Okay. So, yeah.

Do you want me to... I think I know the lore. You want me to give you the... Yeah, please. Can you explain this movie? All right, all right. Here we go. Here we go. So. Want to do some vocal warmups first? I don't remember what the ancient guy's name is, but there's a guy who had like

a zillion billions years ago who was the only survivor of a plague. And the plague killed everybody in his town except for him because whatever was weird about his body changed the disease inside of him and made it better, made it good for him. And he passed that on to his two children and one of his children got bit by a wolf and one of these children got bit by a bat and they became the beginnings of vampires and werewolves. Yes, kind of a Romulus and remiss of this. And so those are their ancestors. But apparently he had other children that didn't get bitten by things.

And they had children who were just humans. And so they're going, we have to find a human that still has this in him. And that's what Scott Speedman is a descendant of. That's what we can use that to combine the two bloodlines and make the perfect thing. But there was another way to possibly do it, which was that back in the day, the reason everybody said Lucien sucks before he became the leader of the werewolves is that all werewolves werewolves were slaves to vampires. And they just, like, defended them during the day. And he fell in love with Bill Nihaihi's daughter, Sophia. By the way, I don't know if daughter means Bill Nihi had sex with somebody and there was a birth or it means that there was a person that he turned into a vampire.

I don't know. Because you try to kind of combine lore in different movies and stuff to try to make sense of some of this. So, yeah. Unclear. Because technically that means that Kate Beckinsale is his daughter as well. He doesn't ever say that. I don't think. No, he doesn't.

So then can vampires have children? And I guess the answer is yes. I have a theory about this, but continue with what you're saying. So Lucian, slave slash servant to vampires led by Victor. falls in love with Sophia, they both fall in love. She gets pregnant, and Bill Nahi, Victor, is like, this is so terrible. This is such an abomination, the idea of combining werewolves and vampires that I will murder my own daughter and make this werewolf who impregnated her watch it happen.

And that makes him freak out so hard that he breaks out of his chains and jumps out of the window and then literally starts a werewolf movement to fight all the vampires. Yes. So yeah. I guess that makes perfect sense. Yeah. I mean, it's fair. So I think that for me that there's some lore that isn't explained about reproduction and like genetic.

The whole movie is about genetic mutation and being scared of it, right? So, but I feel like that in vampire lore, it's like your daughter is someone you make into a vampire or like your children are. But the fact that he made Kate Beckinsale's character into a vampire but won't claim her as a daughter makes a lot of sense of how he is able to lie to her and manipulate her while still praising her and how she longs for his approval. Like there's something there for that. I'm sure the fans will have better recognition for that. But it's like can vampires get pregnant but only by werewolves because they are mortal? Listen, I'm sure there's a YouTube video hosted by someone. with a terrible voice that can explain this all to us.

We're almost to the thrilling conclusion. Let's take a break and then we'll come back for some more. We're back. It's Free with Ads. We are here with Jordan D. White from The Nature Trail to Hell podcast. We are talking about the thrilling conclusion to underworld. So yes, we've just had lore dumped on us like diarrhea and toilet. Well, I don't know if it's diarrhea.

It would be like piss and diarrhea kind of going back and forth where it's like, what is this? Yes. What are we doing? What did I eat? What is happening to my body? Sure, yes. Should I see a doctor for this Lord dump? Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah. So Scott Speedman, he has the, he has the werewolf stuff in him. So Kate Beck and Sale bites him. And he turns into the werewolf vampire hybrid. We've been plumberless for this whole movie. and I guess Weirwolf plus vampire equals Navi

because he turns into a strong, tall, blue guy I think he looks awesome It's all practical He has this Cool as hell He has this big fight with Bill Nihi That we're

You know, Bill Nih He is like an old man He's always been an old man But like he's old And he's like doing punches He's like in there He looks kind of powerful In these fights scenes

He does Yeah, he looks great He's got a badass sword He's got a Oh yeah He has a big He has a big, like, crazy sword. Oh, yeah.

The weapons in this are kind of cool because Michael Sheehan has this blade, this kind of cool, like, blade that shoots out of his jacket. Sleeve, yeah. What was, there was a sci-fi television show, which blade that existed? Do you guys remember that one? Now, that's based on a comic. That's comics, yeah. Yes, but I never saw the show. The show, it was on sci-fi channel every once in a while.

I ended up on there. And it was too scary. That blade was pretty cool, and this blade looks so rad. I really loved that ornate weapon. That was pretty rad. Better than the guns. The guns did nothing for me personally. Yeah, and the guns are just to, like, remind you of the Matrix.

It is. It's true. Like, in this, this is, in this time of movies. Well, the bullet kind of disease bullet thing was pretty cool. Like, the stuff about the silver colloidal thing were giving them a disease. That was pretty rad. That is cool. So, yeah, so there's a big fight.

Wait, so I want to mention another weird non-science thing. Of course. So this whole thing goes, vampires and werewolves are a virus. But I do want to mention it's a virus that when you get infected by it gives you the memories of the person that infected you. Right. Which is very much a, wait, what? How does that? They kind of alluded to that.

But I was confused because it felt like it was more of a communication. between the person who beat you because Bill Nye's character when he was coming back to life from the coffin. Yeah. Like Kate Beckett'sale gave him some of her blood so he could see things that she had seen. Also things that she wrote in the steam of a mirror. And I was like, girl, you still didn't wash your hair. I don't know what the fuck a shower that was.

And she's like writing notes to him and he could see what she saw. And so I was like, I thought maybe it was. a communicative, like, psychic thing. I didn't know it was like memory based. Yeah, maybe. Oh, so, so, so you think, you think, uh, Charlie Sheen, Michael Sheen is like pushing the memories into, into Scott Speedman? He pushes the bullets out of his body and pushes memories into people. Right. Well, I don't know. I think that that was unclear to me. It seems like the lore is not very explained. We just have to watch five more movies and then this one movie makes sense.

I know. Now I want to watch all of them, and I think this should be a thing. I know. I kind of do too. But yeah. So yeah, so Kate Beck and Sale, she gets Bill Nihy's sword,

and they run at each other, and she, like, jumps and switches the sword, and they do that. It's a very anime-type moment where Bill Nihi kind of goes in to, like, charge her again, and then realizes something is wrong,

and then half of his head slides on. Hell, yes. I love when they do that in a, whatever movie it is. I love someone getting sliced and then they're like, I don't know, I'm sliced. And then you know because they slide off. Oh, yeah.

But no, it had the blood drip first. They always have the blood drip first. A nice detail. That was in cell. Wasn't that in cell? Didn't we see that in cell? No, Cube. That's right.

Oh, yeah. We saw that. All to us together. That was, you were there for Cube. That was a JDW's first appearance. We can only do movies. now in which someone gets sliced with a very thin thing and doesn't know their slice.

Does that happen in Monster Squad? No, I'm sorry. I don't. We can't watch Monster Squad next. Jordan, I feel like the cell would be definitely a movie you would like. The cell, the weird trippy one? Yes.

I have very fond memories of seeing the cell. I'm obsessed with the cell, but it has not been free with ads, but I feel it coming. I feel it coming. But my favorite thing, I don't know. Tobe and tell them you want. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if you all watched Knights of the Seven Kingdoms.

Oh, yeah, the Game of Thrones thing on HBO. Well, there is, and if you haven't watched it, you know, fast forward about two minutes. There is a moment where somebody has gone through a big battle and they take his helmet off. Like he was completely fine and take his helmet off, but the helmet was holding a big chunk of his like brain. Yeah. Yep. And after he took it off, that's when he realized he was dead.

But like that's kind of that same slice thing where I'm like, I wonder if someone sliced my head in half, how long I would know what was happening. Two and a half weeks. I think immediately. I think you die is what. Yeah. I always think about the science of it because there's people, they're always like, what happened to me?

Oh no, my head turned into cubes. That's not how it would work. Oh, no. My head, that's what everybody's thinking. That's what they say. Especially in this one, because it's not razor-thin microfiber. It's a whole ass sword. Like, it would not keep your head intact.

But I think the message is she's so, such a gifted warrior that her swipe was so clean that she hit it no matter what. Which I'll be honest, we didn't get a lot of good fight scenes with her. Like, I felt like let's prove what a great warrior she is. Like clearly she cares about having integrity. she like cares about like doing the right thing even if she's wrong sometimes but like I want to see what kind of a warrior she is without guns like you're in wrong film I don't know I was a little bummed people need it that some people are going to the movies in 2003 they need somebody jumping to the side in slow motion while they fired two oozy's that's just what a movie is

she had a little bit of a fight scene going on but it was clear after that scene with the sword you were like, oh, she's got different skills that I wish I had seen. So, yeah. So basically she chops off Bill Nye's head and then, you know, her and Scott Speedman kiss because I guess they were into each other this whole time. No, they kissed before this. They would just hop for each other. They like literally just see each other and are just like, oh.

Well, here's, there is a little bit and then I know I'm talking a lot. There is a little bit of, it's a podcast. That's what podcasts are. I know, but I'm, I'm especially, you know. Anyway, so I think that there is a whole thing about, you know, vampire movies, especially with Dracula, where it's like history repeating itself, like seeking out your lover from ancient, like, I lost my lover, I go to find her in the future. So this circle of there's the, the werewolf who had a lover, she was killed by Bill Nye's character, he's angry. So then we've got his daughter who is loyal to him And then she meets the guy who is supposed to be the thing that fuses

Vampires and Likens together And they immediately are attracted to each other, right? It's almost like destiny is Repeating itself like so the cycle of that story Was started by him killing his daughter And then no matter what the other daughter and then no matter what the other daughter completed the cycle anyway. So,

cycle, cycles a plenty because, yes, at the end of this, uh, the, we see whatever other vampire lord that was sleeping that Bill Nyee replaced.

He wakes up. And I guess that's probably what the sequel's about. But that's the end of this one. Underworld, baby. That's underworld, baby. Wait, wait. So I know Lucian died. Did Craven die?

I can't remember how he died now. I guess I can't either. What happened to Craven? Well, we had to see the second movie. What did happen at Craven? Wait, he's got to have died. It just must not have been that memory? I know.

Does he get, I have maybe a vague memory of a bunch of werewolves eating him? Yeah, that sounds great. Let's say a bunch of werewolves, A-ed-N. Oh, I know what it is. Yeah. A bad movie. Who care? Well, we know how Matt feels about it.

Hey, we're going to say what we thought about the movie overall, but first, Oh, we got to do the hunk watch. It's the watch. Anybody have any strong opinions about the hunks of this film? I mean, you know how I feel. Scott Speedman. It's Scott Speedman, but only in his vampire werewolf hybrid. Only when he's blue.

Yeah. And he's blue and he has those shark eyes that are completely black. Yeah, he looks great. I mean, well, I think he needs to trim the nails because he won't be able to complete a fingering story. There you go. Wait a second here. It's a enduring story. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to give it to Michael Sheen. No surprise here. He's great in this. And yeah, definitely, like, knows what movies in. He's going for it. And I love, and I do love, like, the kind of young, scrappy, dirtbag version of him. It's very cool. And I, like, love him and everything.

And this is a, it was really fun to see him pop up. He's still with us, right? Oh, yeah. Michael Sheen? I think so, yeah. He's never going to die. He's never going to die. Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Not Michael Sheen. Sorry. I was thinking of Bill Nihy. He's also still with us. Also still with us. Also, we'll never die. Oh, thank you.

They really got vampired for this movie. So they will never die. Yes. Yeah, but Michael Sheen. Matt or J.D.W. Do you have any thoughts on the hunks? I agree with you on Michael Sheen, but I do want to give a shout out just because of he's a delightful weirdo,

the very small role by Wentworth Miller. Okay. Is he the doctor? He is the doctor. But he's also known as he was. the lead in prison break and he's also in the Arrowverse. Oh, right. As Captain Cold.

Yes, yes, yes. He is great. Where has he been? I remember there was some scandal with somebody from prison break, right? There was like a murderer who was on prison break. I can't remember. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't think it's him.

I don't think Wentworth Miller's a murderer, I hope. Go into the Reddit thread. Talk about the scandal that happened on prison break because I don't remember what happened. But yes, I agree. Wentworth Miller. I do like it when this guy pops up. He is very good. And a very good actor in like big broad genre things.

He like gets it. Always good. Matt, any thoughts on hunks? You know my hunk is. I feel it in my fingers. Yeah. I'm hearing it in my toes. Yeah.

It's Bill Nye. I just love him. You know? And anything he does. He is classic. And he's been old forever. When has he ever been young? He's like,

Maggie Smith. Well, that's the thing. You and I have talked about this, Matt, about how you are old longer than you will ever be young in your lifetime. Did we talk about that? Because yes, because I feel like it's first time I heard it and I'm very sad. Okay. I think it's in an episode somewhere, but it's like sometimes I have a panic attack about this. I'm turning 40 this year. But like you are old, older than 40. Like you're old longer than you are young. Like it's so true. So it's like why be bummed about it? You're only. You're only. Young in a blink of an eye. Yeah, so you're old for much longer than you are young. Oh my. So I just Google Bill Nihi Young. You should Google this. What? Bill Nihi Young.

Oh, let's see. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, I got to see, the thing is I have to click out of a. Oh, my Lord. It just says 404 image not found. Well, crazy thing. As soon as I open my internet on my phone,

It's porn. But like in Nashville, you can't look at Porn Hub or ex-hamster. You have to like do this whole process because... You have to Google Bill Nihi Young. You have to put in a bunch of information in order to look at porn in Tennessee. In Tennessee, there's like a lot of laws now about porn. But he was very hot. Okay.

Yeah, definitely. I bet he had a wild 70s. I bet him and David Bowie got up to some shit together. I mean, it's like that guy, his hair is like, we ain't going nowhere, baby. Well, yeah, those are the hunks. We're going to say what we thought of the film overall when we come back. We're back. It's Free With Ads.

We are here with Jordan D. White from Nature Trail to Hell. We are going to tell you what we thought about underworld. But first, we want to let you know. You got to go to maximum fun.org slash join. That's how you hear our bonus episodes. Ooh, we got a good one this month coming up at the. the end of the month in your bonus feed we will be reviewing the pilot of twin peaks uh this is one uh emily's been stumping for for a long time it's uh yeah it's it was it was a hoot we're going to

talk about it so make sure you're all paid up over there at maximum fun dot org slash join and uh yeah if you want to get your hands on some merch go to max fun store dot com okay uh jordan d white let's hear from you first you're our guests uh please rank Underworld on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. Oh, fascinating. It's not as bad as I remembered it being. I appreciated it more on its own terms this time, like going like, okay, I know what this is. I know how badly it wants to be The Matrix.

I, like, and I kind of enjoyed it as a little bit of a, you know, early 2000s, just action movie rather than like something good. So maybe like a six. One thing I... Is that good? Well, I don't know. I guess I thought like... Like four would be bad, right?

And so, and five would be no opinion whatsoever. Am I doing this wrong? No, no, no. I think six is very fair. I thought it was going to be a little higher. Oh, okay. I don't know. Wait, we haven't talked at all about who wrote the screenplay.

Okay. Not the same Danny McBride. I know. So huge jump scare when this movie ends. Screenplay by Danny McBride. It's not him. He's a guy who was a stunt man. Okay.

He was famous before Danny McBride. So he got the name. And I guess anyway. But that got me thinking like let him reboot this. Let Danny McBride write the sequel. It will be fucking awesome. I know. Well, don't you think Danny McBride could be a character in a blade reboot?

Totally. Totally. And he does write movies now. He does. Yeah, he wrote the David Gordon Green Exorcist and Halloween and stuff. So not far-fetched. I was like, I was like,

and this must be him. What? I did two for a half second. I had no idea. I had no idea about that. And what was the other one he wrote? The point is, I mean, we know all the TV shows he's written.

But yeah, he's done some screenplays from like things that aren't necessarily Danny McBride. Oh, alien. Alien. Oh, that's right. He wrote Covenant. No, he was in Covenant. No, he was in. What? What? Both. Didn't he do both? I think he was in it and wrote it.

Danny McBride? Am I crazy? Am I crazy? He's in Covenant. Okay, now I'm confused. Then maybe I'm confused. Maybe I'm confused. Sorry, sorry. I'm all confused on all Danny McGrides. No, I don't really know. I just, this would all shock me if that was true. I'm going to find out. The last thing I wanted to talk about was just kind of vampires in general. Please. Because it definitely was making me think about, like, why do we,

why do we like stories especially nowadays like again i'm not super super super intimately familiar with the original dracula i haven't actually read the the dracula book which i should at some point but um nowadays i feel like most vampire stories tend to be about the good vampire right like oh this is a vampire who is good and i think that's interesting because like vampires are inherently bad they eat people and it's kind of not their fault like they have to eat people to live that's what they are but they are inherently a negative to all of humankind. Yeah, they're a danger to humanity. Right.

And we like the story of like, well, here's one who is going to overcome their own inherent badness. Right. Or here's one who's super fuckable, so I don't care. Yeah. I mean, that's a big part of it. That's why I think they started saying, let's make them good. Because you feel better when you want to fuck them.

That's true. But yeah, no, it is a good point. We have been going on like 20 years of heroic vampires. now and very seldomly do you see just the like big bad you know villain vampire that's true so yeah you're giving it a six uh emily fleming let's go to you next well i want to talk a little bit about the idea of heroic vampires because i just watched the academy awards which i thought was one of the better academy awards i watched it was so fun and sinners which is like i think should have won best picture but it won plenty of other amazing awards so but but

the idea of it being kind of a disease that sucks up humanity and like kind of that's I mean that movie is about something different but this movie they treated it like a virus which was so interesting which is kind of like resident evil there's like a little bit of this weird okay we've got this drug that we injected to hear there was a lot of cool ideas going on that I liked, but never really were explained or came to fruition, which I guess the next movie will do. I'm also re-watching all of true blood right now. Oh, so fun. I am on the final season. I've re-watched all of it. So the idea of synthetic blood and everything, I did not clock the synthetic blood thing in

this movie. I guess I just missed that entirely. There's a quick line. But I liked the fact that we were all talking about. about how there's no regular people. We're not seeing that. We're just seeing a war between vampires and likens, which is kind of simplistic and refreshing since you told me that. When you put that into perspective, I'm like, ooh, I kind of like this better because of that. You're right. Yeah, it's just like you don't have to explain why humanity doesn't know about this

because they just didn't see it. Also, because who gives a shit? And I love anything with the fabulous mansion. I think, yeah, anytime there's a fun mansion, it moved really fast. I felt like I didn't have time to care about any of the characters. It's not really a

character piece. Let's be honest. It's more of a conversation about conflict and war and like, I don't know, weird shit. So I had fun watching it. It took a long time to give me, like, the

guns. I didn't give a fuck about the guns. I'll be real. So I'm going to give it a six as well. Do I want to watch the next movie? Yes, absolutely. But I do want to talk about the soundtrack just because we love soundtracks and especially because this is a new metal soundtrack. We've got a lot of perfect circle in here, especially Judith, which is one of my, that's like the perfect circle song. And if you don't know a Perfect Circle is Maynard James Keenan's side project away from Tool. Fucking. If you're a big, if you're like, I like Tool, but not when they do all that rock and roll music. Hang on.

I went to high school with the drummer's half brother. Wait, really? With Danny Carey's half brother? Really? I think, I do believe Josh Free is the drummer of Perfect Circle. Oh, for a perfect circle. Oh, yeah. Oh, Josh Frees's from the Vandals.

Yeah, that's right. We got into free vandal shows as a kid because I knew his half-brother. Nice. West Borland from Limp Biscuit went to my middle school. That's a good one. All right. Shailabuff went to my high school for one year. Burn that to the ground.

Let's see. So the second song is by Mr. Show had a fake band that also had Maynard and it called Pusifier or Pustifier. So they have a song on there, which I started listening to them being like, this is cool. but I guess it was a joke band that like became a band so

yeah this is it's also Maynard and yeah it was a fictional band in the first episode of Mr. Show wow I was a Mr. Show fan I did not realize that was became a real band

that's wild and so yeah it's and I've listened to their stuff and it's pretty cool they have some stuff that kind of sounds very Tom Waitsy and like a little kind of weird bluegrass stuff going on. So damn, this soundtrack is cool and weird. And Milojovich has a song on here where she's performing with this guy, Daniel Patrick Loner. I guess I don't know what he's.

Oh, he's also known from Nine Inch Nails in Perfect Circle. And he's the producer of the soundtrack. Oh, shit. So we were talking about Milo Jovovich, but she's all. on the soundtrack. And of course, Amy Lee from, you know, Evanescence, she's on here too. This is a pretty killer soundtrack. I'm going to go listen to

the whole thing because this is stacked. There's 19 songs on this. So actually, I'm going to move this to a seven just because of the soundtrack. Matt Leeb, already we're coming down far more positively on Underworld than I thought we were going to.

Matt, I said to myself when I finished watching this, there's a world where this is Matt Leib's favorite movie. There's a world where he gives us a 10. He's seen all of them, has them on Blu-ray. Listen, I gave hackers a 10, so whatever. You did give hackers a 10. Jordan, stop making that face.

That's amazing. She's not a normal face. Not you, Jordan. Not too many Jordans on here. I'm talking about JDW. Oh, you're not talking about me. He was making a face. Too many Jordans coming this Friday night.

TGIS. And a pizza plate. After. after step by step Matt what do you think well when I saw this movie the first time I think you know I was

painted a little bit in a negative light because I was like forced to see it by my goth roommate having rewatched it it is about as bad as I remember if not a little bit worse I was surprised at my

ability to watch it at 2x speed and pretty much understand everything about the movie. Damn. I usually don't watch movies at 2x speed, but this one, I was like, this one doesn't need,

I don't need to like savor moments for this. And, yeah, I'm gonna give this a solid four. I would say if it could have been... Solid four. It's a solid four.

I mean, I'm talking about like it's got the bones of a four. Nothing under, nothing over. That's right. And it is, you know, you can watch this movie or you can watch the music video to Evan Nences bring me to life. And I feel like that one is a little bit more entertaining. Shit. Yeah, I think I'm in the back of my.

Sorry. I can't wake up. I'm in the back of my track you love. So, yeah, I'm going to go. six on this guy too. It was, I think it was pretty entertaining. I think all the, you know, all the practical stuff looks cool. You know, if you like this vibe, I think there's better versions of it, the Resident Evil

movies, which I love, and the Blade movies. The Blade movies are basically this aesthetic, but I think a lot better. So I think if you're looking to remember the early 2000s and, you know, the soundtrack and the kind of Matrix stuff, I think there's better movies, but I do think this one does have a lot of fun stuff. And I'll admit, I'm curious about what happens in the other ones. Yeah, I'm into it. Let's watch the other ones, guys.

Those will be, those will, what is going to happen is it'll be worse. Yeah, this is, the Matrix was here and this is down here. And now the Matrix sequels are to the underworld sequels. Honestly, I would rather them do worse because the fact that they tried so hard to make it good, I'm like, what you doing? Like, just stop trying. Make it bad. Maybe they will. All right.

That's our thoughts on Underworld. Jordan D. White, thank you so much for joining us. Why don't you tell us a little bit about Nature Trail to Hell and maybe a couple of intro episodes if people want to give it a shot. Well, sure. Yeah, Nature Trail to Hell, like I said, is a podcast where we watch horror film franchises. And for the most part, they have all been. ones that I have already watched most, if not all of, and my co-host Stefan has not watched at all. We have gone through at this point the Friday the 13th movies. I'm trying to remember

all the ones we've gone through. Friday the 13th saw, Texas chainsaw, the purge. Yeah, all of them. The purge. Damn. The Romero zombies. And we're just, we're actually on a bit of a pause right now, but we had just wrapped a paranormal activity season. Jordan, JDW. Yeah. Have you heard about the paranormal activity live theater experience? I heard it was really good. I did too.

And it was in Los Angeles for a little while and I missed it. I heard it is like more terrifying than the movies. It is an amazing experience. I'm so angry that it's, I think it's just in the UK right now. are you trying to go see it? Well, I'm not going to fly to the UK for it. But if it comes to New York, I would love to. I mean, I'm so excited about it.

So if you see it, let me know because I want to know all about it. When we did the Saw season, I went and saw the musical parody. There's a musical parody? Yeah. You've seen Saw, right? Yeah. So, spoiler, what the Saw musical adds in is that the two men who are chained up, in the room are actually secretly hot for each other the whole time.

I want to have sex and can. Yeah. It's a fun wrinkle. And then one of them says as you wish because it was Kareela. Oh, yeah, sure. And then Danny Glover says I'm getting too old for this shit. Oh, we also, sorry, we also did the leprechaun season, which was a delight. Because most of the...

We're keeping this on St. Patrick's Day. We are so that's a fun little connection. The fun part about doing the leprechaun series was that it was kind of acted as a prank on Stefan because usually it's like in all these franchises there might be a bunch of bad ones but there's always a good one right like there's always a good one that's like that's the one they're trying to get back to yeah there's no good ones in leprickon there's no good ones you've never seen a lepricon movie oh they're all terrible find one free and watch it they're all terrible and they also they also other than the most recent one they made which was actually meant to be a

sequel to the first film they all are completely unconnected even though most of them have the same actor. And even though there's a leprechaun in the hood and leprechaun two back, or back to the hood, they're not connected at all, not in any capacity. Insane. Okay. I gotta love that. This sounds great. And I think that our, like, the freebies will cast their vote as to what franchise they want us to dabble in. For sure. And you should definitely come back for some of these. Yeah, absolutely. And yes. Also read Marvel Comics. And yes, Anything, please, is there anything you want to let people know about coming to the pages of Marvel comics? Well, I'm working on the Venom books right now and also the Incredible Hulk, or rather, right now he's the infernal Hulk because he's been turned evil and is trying to destroy the world.

But there's a really great comic called Web of Venom that people should check out. Yeah, that's funny. You should mention Web of Venom coming to shops on April 8th. Art by Ramon Rosanis and Luke Ross, a script by me, Jordan Morris. This is very cool. It's a fun, there's kind of a mystery in it, so I don't think I'll say too much about it, but it is a surprising character from Marvel Comics who gets a symbiote, the kind of alien, you know, parasite superpower thing that venom, you know, from Venom.

But it's a surprising character who you maybe wouldn't expect to get that kind of of power. It was really fun. I got to reference some comics that I really love. I got to play with some characters that I really love. Yeah, Luke and Ramon just did an amazing job with the art. It's fun. It's a one shot. So yeah, please pick it up. Beautiful covers on this thing, too. Yeah, I read it the other day to spot check it. And I'm like, I think this is one of my favorite comic scripts I've ever written. I'm really proud of it. So I hope folks check it out. And then all the other Marvel comics, too, because they're all good. Says all of them. All of them are good.

All right. Matt, Emily, anything? I'm going to be in Vancouver, Canada. Oh, okay. Come to Vancouver, Canada. There's a small venue called Chill X Studio in Vancouver where I'm going to be doing stand-up with my wife on April 5th. That's a Sunday.

Come out. If you are a Canadian and in Vancouver, you don't even have to be Canadian. You could be on a vacation. but as long as you're there, come to Chillex Studio. You're coming to Canada. That's cool. It's kind of weird. What's your daughter?

Is she staying with the... No, we have to get her a fucking passport. It's super annoying. She's three. A cute little photo for her cute little passport. Yes, it's tiny and pink. She has to wait in a cute little line. Oh, my God.

Like a little kid's DMV. That would be adorable. The crazy thing is your passport lasts for, 10 years. She's not going to look like that in 10 years. I know. It's a really stupid thing. That's so funny. I'm going to tell the people at the passport office, hey, this is stupid. This sucks. Yes. But that's so cute. Okay. Emily, you got anything? My turn. I'm just going to continue to promote you listening to my episode of Scam Goddess. Today is St. Patrick's Day. It came out today. it is the first podcast episode of anything I can do that my parents can listen to.

And I don't sound like a horror. Like it's like not that being a horror is bad. Like I listen. It just like I think I carried myself really well. It's a really, really. It's a really funny show. Yeah. And it's all about famous scams and flams.

Yes. And God, that the whole production, the host, everybody, it was such a privilege to be on the show. I'm very proud of the episode. It was Team Coco and XM Radio made it, but you could listen to it on Apple Podcasts, but I love the episode.

All right. Well, that's all the stuff. Jordan D. White. Thank you so much for joining us. You listening, thanks so much for listening. Please tune in next week. When our movie will be Weeja, O-Wi-Wi-G-O-U-I-J-A, O-U-I-J-A, the Ou-G-Bi-G-Bor-Movie.

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