Free With Ads - Unlikely Angel

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

This week we watched a movie that somehow slipped through the cracks of popular culture. A Christmas TV movie called Unlikely Angel, starring Dolly Parton as a recently deceased country singer who needs to help a motherless family in order to avoid eternal damnation in hell. No, really. That's the plot.Tune in next week when our movie will be... The Nativity Story (2006)-----Visit Emily's ETSY store FlemGems!Check out the MaxFun Gift Guide! https://gift-guide.maximumfun.org/Matt will be at The Ice House comedy club in Pasadena on December 13th!Get a copy of Jordan Morris's comic book Predator: Black White and Blood #4!Also click this link to get a signed copy of something else Jordan made! https://bit.ly/coolfight

This is free with ads. podcast that asked the question, why pay Netflix 12 bucks a month for a bunch of Dolly Parton Christmas movies when you can go online for free and watch a Dolly Parton Christmas movie that's better because it's from the 90s, a time when you still lived with Mommy and didn't have to worry about AI ruining the world. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Unlikely Angel, the Dolly Parton Christmas special that proves that family is the meaning of the holidays and that angels get horny too. With us as always is the super producer of the Freak, Matt Lieb, hitting this with those festive drops.

I don't suppose Uncle Clem is... I don't think so. That's when you found out that Uncle Clem was in hell. What did he do? What did Uncle Clem do? You can only imagine. Yeah, I've got a couple guesses. I have theories about Uncle Clem.

A man named Uncle Clem. It can only be three or four things. It's an unsavory name. I think it involves animals. Clems are trouble. Have you ever met a clem that you trusted? Has there ever been a president Clem? Yeah, my arch rival is Clem gems.

Yes. I hate that motherfucker. Your rival jewelry shop. I make jewelry that people are allergic to. I'm going to hell when I die. I've already accepted it. I just keep making the jewelry. Before we get into.

this movie, which is as of this recording, streaming free with ads. We're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Okay. Oh, the free stuff. Thank you. You know, I'm just going to forget it from now on. That's fine. I like it. At this point, it's a bit.

We should just get startled by every sting from now. I just go, oh, fuck. Every time you hear you. Someone's in my house. He starts screaming. Eddie Redmayne's in my house. Oh, God. I'll tell you. Oh, you know, you know I have it. Yeah.

The acting is coming from inside the house. You know, I kind of want to watch it again. I'm sorry, go on. I know, I do too. I'm, yeah, Jupiter ascending, I'm like, well, I didn't like that. I might watch it again. Yeah, just because Eddie Redmayne was having so much fun. Weirdly compelling movie.

You know, if we could ever do a live watch-along, which I don't know, it's such a pain in the ass to do, I think we should redo Jupiter ascending. I think that would be fun. Yeah, I would do it. That's a good candidate. Yeah, good candidate. Well, I'll dress up like our favorite Jupiter ascending characters. I'm going to be the bees. Dang it, I was going to say the bee.

Queen of the bees. We're just a few bees. So, yeah, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Emily, this is something you texted us because on last week's episode, we played a clip of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles singing Christmas carols. And apparently, this is a whole genre. The Ninja Turtles just sang and sang and sang. their way through the 90s. Tell us a little bit about this clip we're going to play.

So I couldn't believe it. It just popped up on my feed because it knows it's, you know what, I think the algorithm sees you when you're sleeping and knows. I swear to God, it does. And so this is. Like Santa that knows what kind of porno you're into. I think the whole world does because I have no safety features on my phone or anything. And I just think my shit's pretty harmless.

Why does Santa keep telling me I could hook up with a girl on an evening? Eagle Rock tonight. Santa knows where I am. It's always horny seniors. I've heard of Milfs in my area, but Elfs in my area? Do you guys get the seniors, the horny seniors? Yeah. Okay, good.

I thought it was saying something about me. Everybody likes a horny senior. Good. I'm counting on it. So Alan Thick, I guess, sang with the Ninja Turtles, live action, suited up Ninja Turtles. It's something that it looks like it could be the Macy's Day Parade.

It could be the Rose Bowl. It could be something else. But they're singing, you better watch out. You better not cry. And they've kind of updated the lyrics to Ninja Turrell stuff. I love that. I love that. Alan Thick of Growing Pain's thing.

Yes, yes, yes. Here he is. Damn. He's making on this man. He's checking it twice. He knows who's cool dude. Who's not of your nights. Santa Claus is coming to town.

Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you Read your pizza He sees you Breaking nose and you've been there So be good and keep it neat Be good Break it down

Santa Claus is coming The dude's all around Santa Claus is coming He's back in town Santa Claus is coming The dude's all around Santa Claus is coming He's back in town

April O'Neill is taping. Yes. Freak out. Freak out. He's a radical dude. There it is. Wow. Because, yeah, I think last time we talked about,

sometimes the turtles are surfer dudes and sometimes they're New York guys. It seems like they've oscillated back to surfer dude. Yeah. And that's a fact, Jack. That's a fact, Jack. Who's Jack? That was just a thing. thing people said in children's shows and like hip hop.

But I don't think, I don't know, I'm sure there's some 80s artist who's a legitimate hip hop guy who said that's a fact jack sincerely. Right. And at some point someone said, my name is something and I'm here to say. Someone was here to say something and gave their name. Yeah. I just don't know who because I only know it from people doing terrible jobs trying to do their own hip hop.

My favorite thing is that, like, he sees you, he eats your pizza, which is already tough, like, fitting in, fitting that in to the lyric. Yeah, but then he sees you in the streets. I'm like, are we, are the turtles hooking? Are you all selling your ass? Yes, are the turtles prostitutes. Fuck me in the half shell. Listen, turt work.

is work. Yes, turt work is real work. But I'm just... Turt workers. Yeah, I don't know what he meant by Sees you in the street. It does seem like they phoned it in after pizza. Because they live in the sewers.

I mean, I know that doesn't scan as well. But like, can you find some way to say like he's... I don't know. He sees you in the sewer. Eat your meat. Yeah, yeah. He sees you masturbate. Yes.

He sees you eat your pizza. He knows that you are baked. He knows... You are baked. Yeah. You know The journal's kind of Yeah, they were kind of

stoner-coded Yeah Definitely Because they always At the munchy Yeah The munchies Yeah

Michelangelo He's a party dude We all know what that means Absolutely He's a party dude He's in rehab He's hooked on heroin But yeah

Also Donatello I need help Is Alan I just killed someone man I'll get you a Bible Mikey That's the only thing

That's the only thing That's the only thing You know I don't think that the Bible would like them. I don't think they're allowed in heaven. Yeah, they're against God. For sure, they're not allowed in heaven. Yeah, they're not allowed in heaven.

Yeah, they're an abomination. But you know what? Damned for even existing. Exactly, but you know what isn't an abomination is goddamn Dallie Parton. Wonderful segue. Wow, that was a beautiful segue. Yeah. This is our first Dolly Parton movie we've talked about on this?

I believe so. Yes. I believe so. A treat. And this is also something I didn't realize until doing this. movie. I mean, I think, you know, we know who the queens of Christmas are. It's Mariah Carey. It's Shane Black. These are the queens of Christmas. But apparently there's just a shit ton of dolly Christmas material that I was not aware of. Me neither. Okay. So yeah, she's coming for Mariah's

crown. And apparently by churning out tons of Christmas material. But she's been doing it a while. This is from 1996. This was a CBS TV movie. that it's just been hanging around since 1996. Did anybody see this on TV or ever before? No, no, didn't know it existed. And it is, it's, it is quite the time capsule piece. Boy, ain't it? Yeah.

It is. And I, I love the fashion. I love, like, the idea that she's an unlikely angel because she is dressed like she is. Like a hoo-er. Yeah. The tips get. progressively more out as the movie goes and pointier and pointier it really is kind of a like a

feat of nature it's like watch i mean just in terms of the sheer surface area of the cleavage it is like she's a legend she is a tiny tiny woman too she's like short in stature the wigs even make you worried for her bones like it's she's a little lady but you know It works. I remember as a kid kind of getting a look at Dolly Parton and being like, she looks crazy. And now as an adult, I'm like, this is the most fabulous woman I've ever seen in my life. Absolutely.

I love it. Well, yeah, let's start talking about this thing. Dolly Parton plays Ruby Diamond, great name. Great name. A singer, a singer at an old, an old, I was going to call it a rail house, road house, a honky town. A rail house. How's where you get railed. Yeah.

After you ride the rails, you go to the railhouse. And this is a great bar. We can add this to the list. I wonder if our freebies could put a list of great movie bars that we've talked about in the episode. Yeah, this one rips. She's singing a kind of a horny Christmas song for all the guys in the honky tonk in the old railhouse. I will say this is a case of like the guys in this bar, I can tell her supposed to be like sleazy, working class cowboy guys

they all look like North Hollywood actors like they all came from a rehearsal of Our Town to do this. They're doing our town in a black box theater these are some fucking soft ass improv doing guys in this bar they just stuck some cowboy hats on them

but yeah it's the vibes are great she's singing a song not enough musical numbers in this with the musical numbers they do have are fucking great yes they are and so she's she's singing and her the guy she's dating owns the railhouse

and she goes out to find him and wouldn't you know it he's out in his car with another gal who okay so this movie technically rated G this was a TV movie when she finds the guy and the girl she is in the blowjob position like she comes up from the lap

although am I is there I rewatched it because the first time I watched it I was like wow straight up sucking someone's in the Christmas movie which you know I guess it's like so far we've watched a lot of strange Christmas movies Santa Jaws the Christmas toy

you know toy dies Santa Jaws people are getting eaten by shark it's not too outside of the realm of possibility I rewatch that scene she actually was leaning back in the passenger chair and leaned back up

so I I'm not sure what they were going for there? I am. Oh, go ahead. What do you think? I think you better get the sting ready. Oh, oh, I'm ready. What were they doing? It's a fingering story. Okay. Maybe he was fingering. I mean, I've been fingered in a lot of cars. That's the only way you could do it because that's the only way you can shimmy your tight jeans down. That's true. That's true. You got to lean back and then shimmy them down just enough. So she was laying flat on her back, sucking up those 90s. jeans because they got busted so she's like who he was turning towards her when he got busted that's right in my defense this movie looks awful it looks like someone just uploaded a VHS tape

of it I'm surprised it doesn't have commercials it is crazy even yeah you're watching it on like some weird streaming free with ad site and it like you see the opening like producer credits like the the slate and you go like okay here we go and then it goes from digital image to filmed on potato sure yes it's incredibly hard to look at and it's such a glary movie it's like the camera's always pointed at the sun it's like a young j j abram saw this movie and said i'm going to make a bunch of star trek movies that look like

that. Yeah. So yeah, it's, it, it ain't the, it ain't the clearest product. But also, also kind of part of the charm, really. It does feel like you're watching TV in the 90s. So yeah. So who, what were they doing in the car? Perhaps fingering, that's our, maybe our best guess.

But whatever it was, Dolly, Dolly doesn't like it. She says she's, she's running out on the guy. She says she's going to play a classy joint someday. And she will at the end of the movie. Well, she does say, so there's like a little bit of a buildup to her needing to prove herself to be in heaven or whatever, but all I saw was an independent lady who don't take no guff. And one of the things was, you know, he was like, but I thought you said, you know, I can't believe you're mad at me for hooking up with this girl. You told me that you didn't have, you didn't want any attachments, you didn't want anything serious. And then she goes, I know, you're right.

Like I just, it's still, you know, it's like, polyameral. is still complicated, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Even with agreements, you know. Yeah, even with agreements. A lot of processing conversations. There's feelings, you know, the human heart does no way to adhere to an agreement.

So the fact that she's like non-committal, she's a single lady who plays music, I'm like I'm not seeing anything about her that's bad. In the song, she even says, don't drink too much, don't get to too much trouble. I think she's very thoughtful in. sweet and she was going to tell on a man for getting hansy with her she was she was like if you do that again i'd tell your wife yeah yeah that is women looking out for other women i don't know no i agree

with you completely in fact once we get to that scene we need to have a serious conversation about what the rules for going to hell are in this world because it seems really unfair i agree i agree we're we're almost there she she runs she runs away from the from the railhouse she's in her car she swerves because she doesn't want to hit a deer and wouldn't you know it she dies are you supposed to hit the deer is that what you're supposed to do but then what if it because i don't drive these are things that you guys have to help me with but what if it flies through the windshield isn't that like the worst thing you can do to i think chances of an injury are much worse uh if you swerve if you hit the deer they're probably they might you know crack your windshield but they're probably not going to go through and impale you with a reindeer horn or whatever. And then if they do, you could just lay them down in that passenger seat and... Hop a carpool lane.

I got dinner! Yes, and then finger the dead corpse. Finger the deer corpse, sure. Of course that's where you went with it. We all want to finger a dead deer. Of course. Yorgos Lantamos made a movie about that. Yes.

He's a genius. Genius. Genius. Thank you. Thank you, Jorgos. Thank you, Jorgos. Anyway, so she's, she's in heaven and doesn't quite realize it yet. It's really funny.

So everybody, like, going up to heaven, they're all in white. But, like, the chef has a chef hat on. The nurse has a nurse hat on. She's, like, in a white version of her costume. You just go to heaven in, like, a heaven version of what your job was. That sucks. I like that the chef is like, fuck, I still have to be a chef. Maybe he loves it.

I mean, maybe he loves being a chef. No. I love that heaven is just like, Earth, except for it's all white. You have wings, but you still need to pay rent. And you have the job you had on Earth, apparently. Yeah, you got to work. Fucking do the same damn thing for eternity.

I always thought it was interesting. Like, who is the person that decided that heaven was in the sky? Yeah, I was wondering that too, watching this. Or who was a person who decided, like, the imagery of heaven is a cloud city where you, you know, hear harp music. I bet it's like Renaissance politics. I bet it's like, because like

isn't like the hell as fire isn't that from like Dante's Inferno? Like what's not anywhere in the Bible? Well, I think it's not in the Bible. I thought like eternal damnation or like I guess damnation could be anything. Yeah. I think they say it's being it's being separate from God. So the idea of getting

like poked by devils is a, you know, thing that people invented, you know. Yeah, I should just, I should read the Bible. again oh it's so boring i know real snooze oh it's a snoozer dude just people begatting each other this guy begat that guy well i mean the old testament wandering in the desert is kind of more exciting oh it's so boring i know but there's a lot of like locusts and talking donkeys adultery for every one for every one page of locusts there are 20 pages of begattings yes and then baby back You know, put it in the river.

Yeah, and that's fun, and then begin. I like that. Yeah, throw the babies in the river. He doesn't love a plague, too. I know. Yeah, if I had a baby, I'd put that basket in the river. That's right. Get in there.

Bastard from a basket. So Heaven, St. Peter, is played by Roddy McDowell. This is a very fun little cameo. He's great. Love it every time he pops up. What else is he in? Planet of the Apes. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so, you know, maybe you don't recognize him playing a human. But, yeah, but also, like, a ton of other stuff. He was a real 70s-ass actor. His hair is, like, blue is what's really crazy. Like, they, it's like, we had a gray wig, but it wasn't quite gray enough because of all of the hazy, like, camera work. We're going to spray paint the sucker blue. Yeah.

So he, he says she doesn't get her wings because she's been selfish. And this is a real tell, don't show situation, because it's that thing. You said, Emily, up to this point in the movie, she seems great. I know. Like, this is a wonderful person, clearly, very understanding. Yeah, but it's a real thing of like, okay, if you wanted to sell this, we need to, like, see her being selfish. We need to see her doing something.

Because, yeah, the fact that the world's nicest person isn't getting into heaven is, like, a weird bump. It is weird because it's like, oh, she sat in some men's laps while she was performing, and she doesn't want to commit to a relationship. is so far what I could tell. But his explanation was you've done whatever you wanted to do. You've went wherever you wanted to go and you've said whatever you wanted to say. And I'm like, well, I'm going to fucking hell.

I know. For sure. It really was, it felt slut shaming. It did. Yeah, there's a lot of that. St. Peter, quite the prude. Yeah. Later on, she can't even have a sexual dream apparently.

Yeah. Oh, I know. That was crazy. It's wild. So, it's, you know, especially when she... Let's see his porn search history, huh? Honestly, what are you hiding? St. Peter?

What St. Peter? What St. Peter is St. Peter? I know. I know. He's no saint. Yeah, thank you. He was certainly no angel. That's what I say.

St. Piner. So she has, so she, thank you. Sorry. She has until, until Christmas, until midnight on Christmas Eve to help a help a family. He gives her a very vague task. and then she gets into heaven. So, oh, and Dolly Parton, like, Dolly Parton is, like, you know, a wonderful performer, and I love her in movies.

She has, like, one, she doesn't go, she has kind of one mode she's in. It's always kind of, like, cool and casual. So she's like, oh, I'm dead, shoot. Yeah, it is. I'm shoot. Like, she never emotes that much, and I love her. I'm in heaven. Anyway.

Which, honestly, is what this movie needed. We didn't need it to be too heavy. We needed to be lighthearted. She's doing what she needs to do. do. She knows that she understands the assignment. She's horny, which we like. She's very horny. Very sex positive.

She goes to Earth. She falls to Earth and they like send her like a guitar and like purse after her. There's a very cheesy like falling effect. It's very cool. It is. Her first outfit is like an October Fest outfit weirdly. I? Like a barmaid kind of outfit. And she's got these kind of, I don't know how they did her wig like this, but there's like some French braid like lightly tousled french braid thing i i will obsess about this hair for the rest of my

life and i know that these are things that i say in the podcast that no one cares about but me and i do it a lot but i need that hair and i also need that outfit i thought everything she wore in this was like so beautiful and ethereal and slutty in an angelic way she looks great yeah looks awesome oh the boobs are fantastic if you wore like leopard print leggings at one point And I was just like, she is just gorgeous, look. I know. And no one else looks like her. There's just, she's a very singular, like, beauty that it's just no one else is like her.

She's weird looking. And I think it's like one of those things where it's like, I had the same thought where when I was a kid, I was just like, she was like Charo to me. I was just like, what is this like weird thing that people enjoy so much? And then as I grew older, I was just like, oh, Dolly could. Yeah. She can get it. And she kind of occupies a space where it's like, in this Venn diagram where it's like women, straight guys and gay guys are all into her equally.

Like it's one of those things. It's like usually you're kind of leaning more toward one or the other. But for her, just fucking smack dab in the middle. She does it for literally everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, truly. So, yeah, so she's, you know, they plunk her down on the lawn of this family who's having trouble. And you know, you know that the family's in trouble because the teen daughter's coming home on a motorcycle.

Yeah. Now, this daughter played by Allison Mack, who you might know from other things, are we going to talk about it? No, this is a comedy podcast. If you want to learn more about that, maybe there's a documentary or can. Maybe. It might be hard to find. Maybe. Maybe. So yes, acknowledge. Don't message us about it. Moving on. So, she's coming home on a motorcycle, which is trouble. And, you know, and they go, so she goes home to her dad.

And because this is a dad in a 90s family movie, he works too much. Why does he work? Why does dad work? Work too much. There you go. Oh, yeah. At this point, it needs a same thing. So, yeah, classic 90s dad. He has the 90s dad bad quality of working. He's on a cell phone.

He's on a cell phone too much. Pay attention to your son. He's trying to play Game Boy. I will say, though, that all of, God, I say I will say a lot, and I'm going to try not to say it anymore. Listen, we'll let you look. I say, you know, I say, you know. Okay. I say, you know.

People say, though. I'm going to break that. habit. Anyway, every dad that works too much in a movie has the most amazing house I've ever seen. Right. It's doing great. Especially, though, I feel like 90s movies, especially like Christmas movies, maybe that's like part of it. That's true. But like 90s movies, if there was a family, their house was something that you, like, you look at now. The fridge looks like a cabinet. Everything looks so gorgeous. And you're just like, man, we really had it all, didn't we, folks?

Yeah. Did we need Father's Love on top of it all? Yeah, you already had the house. And I'll correct you a little bit here, Matt. You said the son is playing Game Boy. He's actually playing a Sega Nomad, which is the Sega handheld that came after the Game Gear. It played Genesis games. Oh, I didn't even know they made that.

Yeah, yeah, Sega Nomad didn't stick around. It was giant. I'm sure it took nine double-A batteries. It did look big. It looked so fatty. Yeah, my game gear was six batteries. Oh, yeah. Game gear was so many minutes.

It lasted for 20 minutes and looked awesome. Yeah. It lasted a while because I was so bad at the game. Screen the size of a dime. I loved that thing. It was in color. It was in color. It was in color.

The game gear rocked. My parents got me that for my birthday because they sent me to so many summer camps. I mean, I don't know why. Is it because they wanted me to be away? I get it. No. I have a kid, I get it. Yeah, but it was like, I got scared at summer camp.

I didn't like it. It was dark and there's bugs. And then if you have that, it's like a flashlight and you can't sleep. You got a little game gear with you. Got a little game gear. Then you get frustrated at the Lion King game and you punch it. It's hard. It's a hard game.

It's a hard game. Yeah, those games are made up. They didn't have a lot of levels, so they had to be hard, you know? Yeah, yeah. So, Dolly Parton, they, the St. Peter or whoever kind of teleports her down a resume. This family is looking for a nanny because they have a dead mom.

Yep. And so she's her, it's her job to like bring, bring the family together. She makes some meat breakfast. They don't want to do that. The daughter is on the computer. She's on computer. Mm-hmm.

Rich. Kids, yeah, kids just playing all kinds of video games. And she asked them if like, oh, is your dad ever going to get married again? And the boy says, no, he says he's going to love mommy forever. The kid really loves mommy and misses mommy a lot because he's a fucking baby. Do we ever find out how their mom died? No. Bow and arrow.

And do we think it was Uncle Clem? Might have been Clem. She ran a foul. of Uncle Clem. Never go to a second location with Uncle Clem. Maybe Uncle Clem knows Allison Mack. Yeah, I would assume so.

Could be. I would assume. So, yeah, but they go to Dad's very busy office of advertising and she's got a colleague named Al, a lady colleague named Al who I would say has Big Roz energy. She's a real Brinette

ass 90s career woman smoke show yeah uh alice al is super hot um she's great she and dad obviously have a thing but you know uh daddy a lot of chemistry daddy is still uh thinking of mommy um but dolly's it's dolly kind of makes it her business to get them together and and to celebrate christmas she has a lot of jobs here she does and to resist trying to bang the dad yes so dolly and the dad have like crazy chemistry too and there's like a lot of moments where she like either she stops herself or st peter magically stops them from boating and it's like what happens when you fuck a ghost i made that's the movie that is the movie have them fuck and then it causes the house to be haunted anyway if blum house or eight 24 remakes this movie yes then we finally get fucking and generational trauma wait is it that

the premise of city of angels i've never seen city of angels i've never seen it either oh i have to Yeah, I've seen City of Angels. Yeah, McGreney eats a peach. And Nicholas Cage is like, but what does a peach taste like to you? Wait, so is he... He's an angel. He's an angel. Is an angel always a dead guy?

Yes. Or... So, yeah. And I think he gives up his angel powers to... I'm spoiling the end of City of Age. Okay, wait, wait. We got to hold out because we're definitely going to watch City of Angels at some point. So at some point, something...

Anyway. Anyway, but also not all angels are dead guys, I guess is what I'm thinking of. Some angels are, they were created before man. Right. They're like balls of eyeballs. Yeah. Like if you're the biblically accurate angel. So like there's like OG angels.

Nicholas Cage is like, I want to be that. He is that. Make me a ball of eyes. I want to be a ball of eyes. I want to be an all seen eye. Oh, I want to be a ball. Oh, my eyes. Of eyes.

Make me a ball of eyes. Give me a ball of eyes. Give me teeth. Give me teeth. Put teeth in the eyes. Anyway, he's great. Fucking national treasure. We're so lucky.

Gold teeth. So yeah. So she's, so she at some point, dad, because he works so much, needs a massage. She comes in and gives him a massage. And like they both like start

pornographically moaning like crazy. St. Peter makes a Bible fall off the shelf. And she's like, all right, I get the picture. That scene, annoyed the shit out of me because I was, I mean, listen, the acting

in this movie is not something right at home about, but I will say his reaction to getting a massage is my reaction to getting a massage, which is I like to moan in affirmation to let the person know, I really, really enjoy this and it will hurt me for you to stop.

I do this during haircuts as well when I'm getting a shampoo. During a shampoo. It's the best. Honestly, I'm like, I just go, Oh, this is great. And usually it ends faster than it should. I really should stop doing that because they get annoyed.

But anyways, I was very mad at St. Peter for stopping that because I immediately wanted to get a massage. Sometimes it feels good to even watch someone get a massage. Yeah. There's this one Instagram account. But it's not, it's a different type of porn. It relaxes you. There's this one account on Instagram. There's these ladies with long nails.

and all they will do is play with your hair. Like these ladies will be in like an A-S-M-R thing. Well, it's like, I guess, a business. You could go and just like put your head in one of those massage things. You're sitting down. Like a glory hole? Kind of. And then they just, they take their long nails and they just scrape through the hair and do all that stuff.

Sounds all right. I watch it and I just start to get sleepy watching it. All I want is for someone to do that to my scouting. Me too. It is so annoying, too, because it's like, first I need to, like, stress. Yeah, this is not sexual. It is 100% the most relaxing. I am not getting a boner.

No, it's not even a fraction. If I get a boner, it's from something else. Yeah, it's from being so relaxed. Well, listen, I get that way too. But also, did I tell you about there's, I tried to get a massage in my neighborhood and then found out. it was not meant for me. Oh. You went to a random massage parlor.

So it's in my neighborhood and Jordan knows about this. There's like the last. No, no. Sorry, let me explain. Let me explain. You sent me an article, I think, about the, there's, in my neighborhood, there's a lot of interesting, colorful, like, businesses. Sure.

I'm in Little Armenia. There's like the last peep show theater. Yes. The last like theater where you. can go and watch porn in a theater. I've passed by that so many times and I've just been like, I should go in and see what they're playing, you know? It famously is where Fred Willard got caught.

Fred Willard was caught there. With his pants down. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like, what else are you doing? I hate that. Stop catching people at the Jackoff Theater. Jackoff in the Jackoff Theater. They're in the place to do it.

They're all guys. It's all they, they know, that's how they jacked off. Leave Fred alone. No kidding. Well, he did. Yeah. But Now he's jacking off with the Lord

Yes At the Lord's theater Across the street from that Is a strip mall Yes And there's on the second level Of the strip mall Is this massage place

And I was like walking I go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery Down that street So I went up there And I went I'm gonna get It said sports massage too

So it's like And I've been working out Whatever There's like Bulletproof glass always a bad sign over the I don't give a shit but it's like over the front desk thing

and I sit in the waiting room nobody is there forever and then this lady comes in front of the desk and goes oh I didn't see you and I was like I like startled her by sitting there and I was like hi I was hoping to get one of these sports massages

and she goes we don't have anyone here for you oh I think they need an advanced person to figure out my happy ending. That's not very open-minded of the end way. I know. I like a happy ending too, but you're going to have to like, I don't know, get a blanket and mash it. You know, it's just like, I have a very specific.

They're professionals, Emily. They can match a blanket. Thanks. They've heard weirder requests. I love, we don't have anyone here for you is such a. I love that. they're like we're not even going to fake it okay we could go in there and pretend we know what we're doing for 30 minutes and it's just going to piss you off yeah we don't even we don't even know

how to be where to begin giving massage we can't even fake and I even asked oh I guess you're busy can I call for an appointment and she goes no I was like okay so I left so if anybody's looking for a happy ending I'm pretty sure I know the place it's right across right across from the peep show theater sports massage yes ask for the sports massage and be a penis-having person oh my god right that was lovely so the kids start to suspect dolly Jesus Christmas God Jesus Christmas dolly pardon the kids kind of suspect that Dolly something's off with her because she makes a lot of like death jokes you know

So, yeah, she's making a lot of kind of allusions to the fact that she's dead, which is, like, not great if you're trying to be undercover, whatever. Or if you're trying to be a nanny. Yeah, exactly. Like, why are you just doing that anyway? So the girl uses the internet on computer to bring up a... Let me net scape it for you. Let me ask Jeeves how to... And, oh, she even calls it the information superhighway.

She calls it the information super. I went on the information super highway. And they bring up her obituary. It says local entertainer dies. And it has her age is 41 and Dolly's mad. They put her age as 41. Very good joke. And so Dolly plays it off and says she's in the witness relocation program.

And the girl kid says like, well, we'll keep your secret if you convince my dad to let me go skiing for Christmas. She wants to go skiing. So Dolly has this dream. Well, we learn later it's a dream, but what we see is her like coming into the dad's office in a very scandalous nightgown. Yeah, with a silky robe. And also that's the first time it registered to me.

Oh, she's sleeping there. She's like living in the house, I guess. Yes. There's her and the dad like kiss. So you get to like see their kiss scene, but it's just a dream. And St. Peter like makes all the lights flash and her alarm clock go off because.

And the bed's like shaking. He can see her dreams. Yeah. He is, you know, sort of a demi-god, I guess. Yeah, so I mean, I guess it makes sense in his with his power set. This is a prequel to Sandman. No, yeah, it might be. So St. Peter is saying, don't do this, don't do this.

And so Dolly knows she has to, like, hook up Dad and Al. So she invites Al over to, like, decorate the Christmas tree. But Al misunderstand something she sees. Dolly is, like, falling off. ladder when she's like hanging lights dad catches her al sees that gets mad nobody is able to explain anything to anybody they just go wait wait let me it's not wait it's not and like you know it's one of those movie things where just if someone listened for one second it would get explained god i hate that yeah it's one of those um and so al um goes to like pack up her office so she's like i'm not only am

leaving this party, but I'm quitting my job. And so the kids know they need to, like, get them together. So they do a little, they do a little prankaroo where they call dad and Al with the line that an important client needs to meet them at 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve at a hotel bar. They both just fucking go for it. They get all dressed up, and they go to this hotel bar where the climax of the movie happens, and we're going to talk about it. after this

we're back this. the setup works dad and al get together at a gorgeous hotel bar um kind of the you know two great bars in this movie you got the railhouse you got the hotel bar you're gonna keep going with the railhouse yeah that's just i'm gonna i'm gonna every like anytime we see a dive bar from now and i'm go oh they're at an old rail house yes i think it's perfect lean in to your mistake it's like when you called when you called the power rangers christmas special we wish you a merry white ranger christmas That's what it's called.

Yeah, something like that. I don't know. Fuck it. Just say it confidently and people will think you know what you're talking about. Yeah. So, anyway, so they're at this, like, very romantic bar at 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Yep. And St. Peter is, like, leading the band.

He's in this, like, great white tuxedo. And they called Dolly on stage who was in her slettiest outfit yet. Oh, my God, I need this dress. Yeah. And she's going like, oh, no. Oh, no, is he going to call me up to play? And I'm like, you are dressed to perform. Right.

She had to know. Well, this whole thing? Yeah. I assume this was part of the plan. You had a song ready. Why is she doing this whole ass? The song with the name of the movie in it. Come on.

So she sings the movie, the movie title song, Unlikely Angel. I think she wrote both these songs for the movie. for the movie but um and they're oftentimes her movies are based off of a song no i didn't know that but i'm not sure if she wrote this one for the movie because the only other christmas dolly parton thing is like i think there's one called the christmas wish that she did for netflix that i saw okay but um well i watch trixie and katya talk about it okay but same thing yeah yeah anyway yeah continue okay so yeah so dolly dolly sings the title song it's a like dolly parton you've never heard but it fucking rules it's really great and you know so everybody i have a little bit of it

should i play it for the audience who who wants to hear it because i hope is does you have you done something funny to it no i haven't i just listen to it just wanted to better manage i just wanted to play a little bit because it is a good song good all right here it is there we go sorry I adore you unlikely nature Yes I would want to blast this while I was getting a sports massage Like

It's weird It's like one of those songs where the verse is happening And I'm going like I'm hearing a little, I'm hearing a little Dylan influence in this. And then she sings the chorus and I'm like, that's a bop and I've never heard it before. She's just a brilliant songwriter. You've really got to hand it to her. She's so much more talented than anyone she's ever been on screen with.

You kind of forget that about her. You're like, oh, wow, she truly is a diva. I will say this is that any time, oh, I did it again, I will say. I'll say this. God. Anytime she's on camera. We love it when you point out our vocal tics audience. Please do it.

It makes us feel great. Nobody else has pointed that out for me yet. Now they will. Now they will. I listen to. They said don't do something. I'm going to do it. I know.

I'm a podcast listener. Sorry, I love you. We love you. We love you. It's a long time. Please keep listening. There's some things that annoy me. Yeah.

But I hear it whenever I listen to the podcast because yes, I listen to the podcast. And then I go. Do you subscribe it? Do you become a member? Oh, yes. I'm a member and I give us five stars over and over whenever I can. Hell, yeah. Listen, I am.

I'm a die-hard freebie. What can I say? Okay. I forgot what I was going to say. Well, that's fine. So everybody's happy. Daughter skips her ski vacation, except one person isn't happy, the little sad boy, who earlier was going through.

His name is Matthew. Name is Matthew. Because that's, I know that because that's my name. Aw. Just a couple sensitive guys. Just two sensitive boys. A couple sensitive mats who feel very intensely. Yeah.

He sees his mommy about to be replaced and he runs off to the playground where there's a photo of them swinging. Aw. And Al goes up and gives the big speech about how I'm not trying to replace your mom. By the way, her and dad have not talked about anything, but they've just silently agreed to get married. Like that night. it's wild yeah and it's it's sort of like while they're listening to dolly part and sing the song they're just like hey they just nodded each other should we we're gonna get married be together forever which good that's good that's how that's how love works in real life right yeah and sure yeah and listen is it a workplace romance is that inappropriate I guess it's a movie don't ruin the movie for us she even brings it up she is she talks to yeah she talks to dolly partner about it where she was just like and you know workplace relationship relationships are complicated and I was just like oh they sure are I think there's another word for it it's called problematic oh yeah everyone in this movie is canceled yes yeah um especially clem everyone equally canceled everyone in this movie is equally canceled no one is more canceled than anyone else that's right um but anyway so al isn't going to replace their mom but they all do a big family hug as st peter comes and says you did it um but they won't remember you you they're not going to remember you that is so crazy i know um what a weird twist what a weird

i like that though that kind of ties it up nice yeah and then they like what was that that uh playboy model who like taught us the meaning of christmas yeah like they literally are not going to remember the night that they've decided to get married like what did it like to me i was like that seems unnecessary yeah why they just say she moved or something yeah right or they you know They all find out that, oh, she's been an angel this whole time, and she winks from the sky. Give us something. That's fine. Explain it.

Maybe there is something about the mystery of what happens after you die and they have to leave the mystery there or else people won't be good or something. I don't know. I mean, but it's like, it's, but Santa is that. Isn't it just Santa? Aren't we, isn't you just kind of go along with something? Oh, you sweet, sweet Jewish boy. Yo, you see, yo, you sweet, sweet, sweet juice. We'll try to explain Christ to you later.

You understand? I don't think you're. I'm a Christmas boy. Christmas is the best holiday. I'm just saying believing in it is stupid. And we all, there's no way. How do you believe it? Come on.

Use your brains, Christians. So they, so Dolly and St. Peter just. Just evaporate up to heaven, but the little boy finds something she left behind. It's her guitar. A whole ass guitar. I wish it was just a wig and two breast implants. Yeah, and a dental dam. Yeah.

It's just a bunch of condoms. She was here, I swear. And then, yeah, then they put an angel that looks like Dolly on top of the tree, and we get a shot of Dolly getting her wings in heaven singing with the choir. And it's the funniest, which she has her wings and she's lifted up, it's like, oh, it's even like the wings are like, I don't know if gravity even exists enough. We're going to need some bigger wings.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like the tits should have sprouted into wings. I wouldn't have fun. Titty wings. Little jet engines. The wings are just struggling. Like an old man carrying too many groceries. We can't lift this five-foot woman.

She's quite top heavy. Yeah. She's got 14 pounds of jewelry on too Hey We're going to rank the movie But first we're going to talk about the hunk It's the hunk watch It's Hunk watch

Yeah Dolly of course Any thoughts I mean we all like Dall I think Yeah it's Dali for me I just everything about her It makes me Like feel full of

childhood wonderment And I'm horny. And I find her to be aspirational. It's just, I love her. And she's funny. She can nail a joke too. She's so great. Yeah. She is funny.

She's super compelling to watch. And it's like, it's, like, this movie was chosen on the basis of it's a Dolly Parton movie. Oh, yeah. And I was immediately excited to watch it. Even though I'm like, I've only ever seen, what, 9 to 5? I saw her make a cameo in one of the Muppet movies, I think. Deal Magnolias? Have you ever seen Steel Magnolia?

No, never seen her. That'd be a fun one. We should do that. I just don't know her from that many things, but I know so many people who have been to Dollywood that I was just like, okay, you know what? Let's see if she can carry a CBS TV movie from the news. Wait, Matt, have you never been to Hollywood?

No. I never have you. Jordan, you haven't either? I've never been 50 there either. Y'all. I don't even know what state it's in. It's in Tennessee. Hey, that's where you're from, dude.

Yes, it is. I would love to go. It's on my list of places. Well, it's in near Gatlinburg. It's a pigeon forage, Tennessee, and it's... It's in pigeon forage? Pigeon Forge. Do you like how that came out as soon as I said it?

I love the whole culture in the south of just naming stuff. Like, you know, Forkhaven. You love Arkansas. There's a place called Buck Snort. Yeah, I love it. Me and Emily is old at Midnight co-worker, Jesse Joyce. always had great, like, pulls for, like, southern stuff, and he had a fake southern town.

He'd work into things called lizards holler. Yeah, they have hollers. Lizards holler. Listen, that sounds real. Like, that really does sound real. Yeah, that could be. I assumed it was made up, but, yeah. But, anyway.

Yeah, so it has to be Dolly. Like, I can't even, like, I was, like, thinking of the entire cast. I'm like, it's got to be Dolly. She's the one. All right. well that's the hunk we're going to rank the movie right after this

we're going to rank the movie right after this we're back. Unlikely Angel, on a scale of 1 to 10, super loud commercials. But first, we want to remind you to go to maximum fun.org slash join. That's how you join the network, throwing a couple of bucks. You get a bunch of bonus stuff. You keep the show going. That is literally how the show keeps going.

People go into maximum fun.org slash join. So, yeah, pop on by. Throw us a little cash-o, and you get some bonus stuff, and you get some good feels. And you can get gift memberships, too. So if you're looking for a gift for a podcast listener, If you want to get them all that sweet bonus stuff, maximum fun.org slash join. Okay.

Unlikely Angel on a scale of one to ten, super loud commercials. Matt, I think you're maybe the dolly casual here. What did you think of this? Honestly, I'm going to give it an eight. I really,

really liked it. It was like one of those movies that it's not, I wouldn't say it's a great movie, but I was enjoying that, I was like, ooh, Dolly Parton's in every scene. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so, like, I just enjoyed watching her just fit so casually into such a kind of flimsy premise.

Sure. And the fact that there's, you know, two Dolly Parton songs, three, if you include the piano song, she sung with the kid. And, yeah, so I liked it. I would show it to my child. Aw. Emily, what do you think? I loved it as well. I think that I liked the unconventional kind of heaven narrative.

Sorry, there's a car alarm going off next to me. Always. But yeah. They're busting the sports massage place. Listen, next to my apartment, the sports massage happens on the street. It's like right in front of my door. And people seem to think I'm part of it a lot of the time. but no i i love the unconventional kind of rules of heaven and angels i thought that was fun i love

that her character is like a just a a girl's girl like she's she likes sex she's an independent lady she's tough she's like sassy she's all these things she's not perfect but she's so likable and fun i don't know i'm giving it um a 7.8 all right um um I also really, really had a fun time watching this. I think there's a good, like, use case for this movie. I totally think that if you are in a house full of family members this Christmas and need something for nine different generations of people to enjoy, this is a great choice.

I totally think you can throw this on. Everybody will have a good time. And, yeah, obviously, like, it gets a little annoying, like when an original two online people talk about how great Dolly Parton is because it's this weird, like, sub for a personality thing that people do. Totally. But it's because she's fucking awesome.

She is. Like, if you get annoyed by the memes, it's just, like, just spend two seconds with something that she's in or one of her songs. And you're like, oh, that's why this person is on so many, you know, greeting cards you can buy at Urban Outfitters because they fucking rule.

Yeah. And sometimes you just have to, like, forget the annoying people who post too many memes. That's right. Sometimes you have to forget that. Except that someone is popular because they are indeed amazing. Yeah. So, yeah, this is really, really fun and cool. And, yeah, I've not seen any of the, like, modern Netflix dolly things, but, like, I don't know if they're going to beat this.

This is really, really cool. Yeah, this is great. And I think I've screwed up. The Christmas wish is a Lindsay Lohan Christmas movie. I get them. I just want to say that because I know y'all are becoming for me in the comments. But I don't know the name of the Deli Parton one But she's got like a whole series on Netflix

It's cool Maybe we'll get around to it When Netflix inevitably collapses And everything's free Oh yeah, yeah Come on dump those Dump those on YouTube Netflix Dump them on the tube

All right Anybody got anything to plug Emily? It's the last week Before Christmas to get Flemgems For your Christmas presents This is your jewelry shop on Etsy Flem Gems is my jewelry shop on Etsy.

I am working to get a shop up on a square space because I know there's some AI stuff going on on Etsy that sucks. But for now, my dumb dumb self is having to do it on Etsy because I'm not great at making website. So that's where you got to go. Look for me on there. There should be a link in our episode or go to my Instagram. Throw it to the show notes. Matt, you got anything? Nothing.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. I will remind people to pre-order Predator Bloodshed, the new Predator mini-series coming in February for Marvel written by me. You can do that at your local comic book shop or go to bit.ly slash cool fight. And you can pre-order signed copies from Collectors Paradise. Bit.L.Y. slash cool fight. Okay.

Tune in next week when our movie will be 2006s, the nativity story.