Free With Ads - Varsity Blues

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

This week we watched the movie that made whip cream bikinis every teen boy’s fantasy until they reached adulthood and realized the mess wasn’t worth it, the 1999 film Varsity Blues, starring James Van Der Beek.Tune in next week when our movie will be… Batman Returns.—--Jordan contributed to Godzilla vs LA, a comic book anthology which comes out April 30th and all the proceeds will go to those affected by the LA fires.See Matt and Francesca do a live Bitchuation Room podcast at the Elysian Theatre in Los Angeles, May 30th at 7:30pm.Emily Fleming has a NEW SHOW available right now on Mythical Society called "Emily, Have You Seen This?" and you should see this!Jordan wrote on the newest season of Jellystone! Watch it now on Max!

This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question, why pay a buck 99 an episode to watch Friday Night Lights when you can go online for free and watch a high school football drama with southern accents so bad to make the dad from season three of White Lotus sound like Willie Nelson. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is varsity blues, the 90s teen football comedy. Comedy? I don't know. With wall to wall punk needle drops, the perfect music for telling your dad, I don't want your life. With us as always, well not last week, but he's here now, the super producer, the he freak, Matt Matt Lieb hitting us with those down home drops

Penis penis penis vagina vagina vagina Hell yeah, so excited to be back. Sorry miss land. Sorry miss land before time. I was gonna use that drop Right before little fo's mom dies. That's what she says. After a big final words, a big chunk is taken out by a sharp tooth. Yeah, penis, penis, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina. Yes. Strap that tree star to your penis.

That's right. Find the Great Valley. BABOOM! You know what I mean. That's a pussy. That worked way better than mine. I know. I mean, they were both great.

They were all great. Nothing anyone said has been bad. Matt, before we move on, should I give you a little chance to weigh in on The Land Before Time? Was that a childhood movie of yours? I love Land Before Time. Ten out of ten. I didn't get to rewatch it for the pod,

but if my memory serves, it's one of the greatest dinosaurs movies ever made. So I feel like that's probably still right. And after editing the episode, it looks like y'all pretty much agree with me. Oh yeah, no one was detected, we love it. Well hey, we got a new movie to talk about. It's Varsity Blues, but before we talk about Varsity Blues, which is, as of this recording,

streaming free with ads, we want to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Other free stuff. There's a new Nicolas Cage movie in theaters. It's called The Surfer, I believe. I can't imagine we won't get to it at a certain point on this podcast. Probably. Hell yeah.

It looks pretty rad, but it kind of reminded me of all the great Nicolas Cage quotes over the years, all the great press quotes. And this is one someone reminded me of, and it's just delightful, one of his best. Not his most famous quote, but I think the real ones know that this is one of the finest Cage moments of all time. All right. This is from a red carpet.

He's wearing like a plaid blazer. He's wearing a plaid blazer. And he looks like a certain famous box of cookies. And I think the interviewer asks him what the deal with this plaid blazer is, and this is what he says. I really like shortbread. And whenever I'm in England, I go get a tin can of shortbread and I was feeling kind of Happy kind of like I was buying into some shortbread. So tonight I wanted to dress like I was a can of shortbread

He sounds like the kid that was like, apparently I've never been on television before. Like that kid, he's just saying shortbread instead of apparently. Nicholas Cage, an Oscar winning movie star, behaves like a kid on the news. He does. Totally. And I love the idea that Nicholas Cage just dresses like what he wants to eat. I mean, when you have, I guess, fame but no money, which I think is what he's famous for, then you can really go all in on your eccentricities.

Today I'm going to dress like an Oscar Mayer wiener. Tomorrow I'll probably dress like, I don't know, a rapper from In-N-Out, you know, the ones... I was having a dream about ham salad. Ham salad! You know what's so funny is his voice almost sounds exactly like David Lynch's, but it's like five octaves lower. Yeah, yeah, and it's similar vibes, too. Yeah. They're both nothing but vibes. Yeah, they're both

yeah, they're the same kind of like weirdo from the same generation for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys seen the trailer for his newest movie Gunslingers? No, no, okay. Sounds dope. Oof. It's you gotta see it. It's gonna be the best trash ever, you know, but but my favorite thing is so I kind of lost my voice because I just went to Florida and partied and now I sound like this, but his voice kind of sounds like he's having to whisper like this. Yeah, yeah, he's got kind of your Florida voice going on a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

There's quiet cage, oh no, there's quiet cage. Yeah. I love when he was going through his financial troubles, one of the things that he had to sell was a genuine Stegosaurus skull. And I just love the idea of him saying the words, genuine Stegosaurus. You know, get a great bargain on a hot. I'm sure I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I went to his estate sale

and bought a painting from his house. What? Oh no, I don't think I've heard this. Yeah, so when he had his money troubles, as you mentioned, he sold his skull, but you could go to his house like he had died and buy his stuff. And he had thrones, he had suits of armor.

And the thing I could afford is this little painting, it's called Sacred Geometric Shapes for Meditation. And yeah, I still have it in my house and it used to belong to Nicholas Cage. That's amazing. I feel like you told me that, but I totally forgot. Yeah, it sounds relatively familiar. Was he there?

No, I was kinda hoping he'd be there doing that like, I don't know, can I just do a genuine Sarcassaurus skull and a bottle of hair that once belonged to Genghis Khan. My cage is awful, awful cage. Wait, that's actually pretty good. It worked. What was the house like though? Yeah. Oh, the house was a pretty,

it was a really nice like Hollywood Hills mansion It looks like somewhere like a location from boogie nights. Okay. Okay nice. So kind of 70s vibe. Yeah 70s. Oh, I love that. I love that almost bought his copy of the Kama Sutra. Oh there I could have bought cage's copy of the Kama Sutra. What the fuck Jordan? I know. Hang on. How much was the painting, can I ask? It was like 30 bucks. What, really? Yeah, I know.

Damn, Nick. There's some good deals, some good deals, hopefully. That is money troubles. We don't want him to have money troubles. No, we don't. But if he does again, we'll be there. Well, hey, before we get to the movie, another little footnote here real quick.

A couple weeks ago, we played a great video of a Miley Cyrus song syncing up to a swarm of bees that Emily provided. We actually couldn't find the original poster at the moment, but the original poster has revealed themselves. Her name is Paige Reagan, she's on Instagram at paganrage. She's a great musician, you should follow her there. Hey, let's talk about Varsity Blues.

It's time to talk about Varsity Blues. But I don't want your life. Thank you. Wow, close. Very close. Your life is- It's know how dare you, but- Listen, I'm doing my best here.

You couldn't have gone, I think you should have gone, I don't want your life. Yeah, I tried that too. I was like, you know, I'm doing my best here. You couldn't have gone, I think you should have gone, I don't want your life. Yeah, I tried that too. I was like, you know, I think people like it because it's bad. If we're being honest, the stings are funny because they're bad. They're reaches, sure.

Yeah, but then there's also things that you make, like the Walk to Remember song, which are arguably very good. It's a lot of contrast, you know? Yeah, we all can be more different. Peaks and valleys. song which are arguably very good. It's a lot of contrasts you know. Peaks and valleys. Peaks and valleys baby. So I was in the pocket for this movie in high school, did not see it.

I know the famous stuff from it. Oh had anybody seen it Matt? I had seen it. Oh okay cool. Were you like in high school, did you like go with a bunch of buddies and have somebody buy you a ticket because it was rated R? God, I would love to think that's what I did. It was me and all my cool friends went to go to the movies together, but it was probably my sister and my dad who came.

Mostly because this is more for my sister than it was for me. She's a big Dawson's Creek head. And I was like, well, you know, football movie sounds kind of sick. It's got a little Dawson's Creek in it. Okay, fine. Okay. Yeah, so I think the two things

that kind of have endured from this movie, I Don't Want Your Life, said by James Van Der Beek to his father when his father is trying to get him to want his life and the whipped cream bikini that's right there is a Saucy scene where a woman comes out wearing nothing but whipped cream and some cherries. Yeah Yeah, so yeah that was like in the trailer and shit. So yeah, I definitely like you know, it's one of those

Images that burns in your brain if you see it at the right age. So yeah. You never forget the whipped cream bikini as, you know, as at least as someone who's attracted to women because as a kid you think, well, there's nothing hotter than that. Like I love titties. Yeah. And I love sweets, you know, and then it's only when you become an adult that you're like, well, that's disgusting. That would be so gross in practice. I just don't.

In practice, it's like, there's a version of that that's hot. But you know, and every- You get in the shower right after. Yeah, you're going to get itchy. You're going to get itchy and sticky. I mean, I think that that reminds me of like you know horror stories that people would tell each other about like If you did that but we have cream everywhere and they forgot to wash it and then a bunch of spiders like when yeah China yeah, and then like a bunch of that's how you get ants. Yes, but you get you get vagina ants. Yeah

pussy ants David Cronenberg version of this You get vagina ants, pussy ants. That's the David Cronenberg version of this movie. Maybe that's what that movie was that I saw just the cover of on the VHS. The ants covered in titties. Maybe she was doing the whipped cream bikini. Maybe she was in a whipped cream bikini. It went wrong.

Maybe that's the explanation. I don't think we're ever going to find the movie from the poster that I've told everyone about. People have sent ones that look, it's like, oh, yeah I you found that something that kind of looks like it, but it's not it. Yeah, I'm sorry I think I just made it up might be a might be a dream movie might be a movie that lives in your head Fever dream. Well, yeah, I was yeah The both of those kind of moments are kind of interesting to talk about in their own ways and then let's do it

Let's let's talk about this movie. We opened on the logo. It's an MTV movie. MTV made fucking movies at one point. Who knew? Now it's just a place for Rob Dyrdek to watch phone videos. Yeah, that's right. But MTV makes Yellowstone and Landman. Oh yeah, those are like Paramount things.

Do they have MTV logos before? They sure do. They sure do. I didn't know that. Oh my God, that's cool. They have the I want my MTV. Like that whole like. Oh my gosh. Yeah, they do. I didn't know that, oh my God. They have the, I want my MTV. Like that whole like. Oh my gosh. Yeah, they do.

There was another movie that, you know they did Napoleon Dynamite. That's right. Oh sure, yeah. And then there's this movie called Better Luck Tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That movie is so good.

If we can find that in the future, I'd love to, because it was crazy. Yeah, MTV, kind of a cool, cool movie company at one point. Yeah, pretty cool. So yeah, they did this movie. And then we cut to a montage. Texas flag, an American flag. We get a little voiceover talking about how in Texas, football is a religion.

This monologue is being performed by Mox, played by James Vanderbeek. Matt, I'm gonna need you to cook up a new drop, Square-ist head. Oh, I didn't. Very square head on this, man. I didn't cook that up, but I did cook up this. I don't want to wait for our lives to be- Football.

That's it. Pretty good. Hey, you know, we're experimenting. I was sitting there waiting for the Godzilla drop, and you know what? I like this one better. Yeah, I don't want to wait for our lives to be football. Football. Yep, that's right. He's a football guy, but he's reading Slaughterhouse 5. Look at him. He's reading Slaughterhouse Guy this guy's not just a fucking jock. He reads Kurt Vonnegut Yeah, surely he's got a lot of other interesting qualities. We'll learn about we actually won't this is the only thing about this guy

He has zero qualities anyway He kind of what was that movie that he? Did where he was also a smart ass kind of, was it rules of engagement or no, uh, laws of attraction or something like that? You know, I don't know a lot. I have not seen a lot of Vanderbeek in my, in my day. I did not watch Dawson's Creek. Yeah.

So he played most Vanderbeek I've ever consumed. Well, he also had Van Wilder and stuff. He did quite a few of these kind of cool dudes that played sports or were high school guys and they Reynolds was Van Wilder Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, Ryan Reynolds was Van Wilder, but maybe now he was in it I'd no no, no, you're right. These are these are Emily. These are similar men. It's not a Thing yeah Vanderbeek could have played Deadpool similar men. It's not a unreasonable thing to get confused. Vanderbeek could have played Deadpool 1000%. I just want to say. I like Ryan, but Vanderbeek is also very talented.

Vanderbeek could have done it. So yeah, he's reading Slaughterhouse Five. His little brother comes in. His little brother has a makeshift Jesus cross that he has made for himself. The little brother has this running gag where he gets into a different religion every scene this does not pay off and it is never as funny as the the Jesus thing is a kind of a fun gag he's trying to eat breakfast but he's on the cross yes that was funny yeah I liked him when he was nation of Islam guy that was yeah that was pretty pretty funny. That's a weird one Yeah, even though it's very specific to it's like not he wasn't Muslim. He was very specifically

Nation of Islam like a yeah, which is like a Malcolm X type guy, which is a funny visual but also very confusing Yeah, it does not enter into the story I baby would guess it was added in at a later time when they realized the movie wasn't funny enough. Anyway, so the kids, he's dressed as Jesus. It kind of points to this movie being a little wackier than it actually ends up being. I'm like, oh, maybe it's kind of crazy,

but it's not really. That's like why you said it was a comedy and I was like, where? Like, I don't know. Where? Yeah, Emily, people think you're coming up with that stuff off the dome. Yeah, so it has, yeah, it has, it's a dramedy,

I guess one might say. So James Van Der Beek, his buddies come to pick him up. We meet the whole crew. He's got a big guy buddy. What is it? Does anybody remember this guy's name? The big guy? Billy Bob? Billy Bob.

There we go. They're in the South. Easily my favorite character in this whole movie. Yeah, Billy Bob's pretty great. He's a big guy and you know, they write a lot of big guy jokes for him. He's dipping, when we first meet him, he's dipping I think a folded up pancake into peanut butter, which actually looks kind of awesome. Yeah. I'm like, I kind of want to do that. Yeah, and he's drinking maple syrup straight from the bottle.

I get kind of like, oh, is this movie going to be wacky? It's not really. But these first couple of minutes have some wacky shit. They also pick up, hey, it's the 90s. Paul Walker is in this. Hell yeah. The opposite of a jump scare. I'm like, hey, there's my boy. All right, we love to see. We love it. We stand at we stan a low energy king. I love him, I love him. I love the fast movies and those were popping off

when I was doing my job where I did a lot of press junkets so I got to do a lot of little press junkets with Paul Walker and he was really nice and I could tell he loved those movies. So I have nothing but love for this guy and was so glad he popped up. Yeah, RIP. It was very sad.

I used to do this joke where I would say, let's see, and starring Academy Award winner Paul Walker as a joke. And then he passed and I was like, well, there goes that joke. You know, because it's not nice to say that about a dick. I think Paul Walker knew what his lane was. Yes. I think Paul Walker knew what his lane was. Yes.

I think Paul Walker maybe would have made more of his jokes. I agree. Definitely. Anyway, yeah, I can't, hard to believe we haven't done a fast movie on this yet. Someday. We've been saving it, I feel like. I feel like we always know that they're on there.

There's always one. Like they're available. There's always one. Like there's one that's available. There's always one. Like six. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, maybe when they drop the last one we'll do it. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Those are fun. So Paul Walker's there, he's kind of like the star quarterback.

First needle drop of the movie. Nice guys finished last from Green Day. Good song. Under maybe like not the most famous Green Day single. One of my faves. Not our favorite from a soundtrack. No, no, no. Needed a little bit of Godzilla.

Little Godzilla. Could not compare. No, but still, fun needle drop for a 90s movie. John Voight is our coach. He's given a big old coach speech. This isn't as fun as it should be. John Voight's really doing this down the middle. This movie, in general, needs to be campier. It doesn't get it. John Voight is kind doing this down the middle. This movie in general needs to be campier.

It doesn't get it. John Voight is kinda phoning this in. It's not as fun as it needs to be. Well also, I had a, okay so I played sports in high school. You swam, Jordan. Yeah, we had to get for a year. Oh yeah, but did you play sports, Matt? No, no, I did drugs.

A sport of the mind. That's right. Mind sports. Mind sports. I was the Serena Williams of smoking weed. I had a lot of flashbacks while watching this movie. Oh, yeah. Did you have like a mean coach? Did I did. She was very intense. She had veins that would pop out of her neck. She was so angry all the time. But she had

the biggest diamond wedding ring and that made up for it. I don't know, I could stop staring at it. But she was tough and a lot of people got injured all the time and then just were expected to, well what she'd do is like kind of treat you if you get injured you did something wrong like it's your fault Yeah, and then it's like punishing you by sitting on the be on the bench But people it was like watching this kind of made me go. Why do these? adults Give so much of a shit about this like John point. His character is such a loser. It's like such a loser I know so crazy that these adults dads are losers

and I think this movie like That's the point. I guess knows that it's it's it's weird The movie doesn't like movie doesn't know what it's doing like it. Yeah, it seems like maybe there's a kind of a Anyway, there's something there about the parents kind of being too obsessed with the kids They kind of get at it, but it doesn't really go anywhere Yeah, I think it's just kind of like towns like that in places like Texas. Sure, yeah. That's, that is, it's so important to everyone and I feel like maybe the point of this was to show you how ridiculous that is maybe.

Yeah, I think yeah, ultimately it seems like the movie is like this is silly. Yeah, but yeah, it was not based. It was it felt like it was trying to be based in reality, but nothing was realistic about this movie. Yeah. I don't. The teachers secretly. That's a stripper. Stripper. Yeah. And also. No one involved in this movie had been to Texas or knew the rules of football. Exactly. And then like 18 year olds getting into a strip club and drinking all night. Like what are you talking about? It's so fucking crazy. The director of this movie is now the current president of Paramount Pictures.

That checks. Which further proof that white guys fail up anyway. Yeah, white guys finish first? Well, but for the sake of our own careers, we think you did a great job. What a great job. Maybe I don't like to be on Star Trek. Yeah, I loved all the titties and the slurs. I really think I could be an asset to the writers room for Landman. Put me put me in the writers room for what is it's called.

I think it's called Mobland. There's also a place a show. There you go Matt you would be great on the. You go to the Mob land I'll go to the land man. Yeah land man mob land. Let's put them all together. That's five times fast. Anyway so James Vanderbeek he goes to visit his girlfriend, Amy Smart. Good to see Amy Smart in some love.

It's fun to see. He's got giant pants. His pants are so fucking big in this movie. They're so cool. That's how I that's how I wore my pants. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, those are Matt pants. Big pants. Big math going off to a corn concert. Yeah, he's keeping the pants got gotta be big to keep all the weed That's right in the fucking huge For all these condoms, I'm not gonna use

So yeah, so he meets his girlfriend Amy smart She does not have qualities either They go into the we go into the locker room the dudes are doing roids and they're saying casual homophobic slurs All right, it was 90s. It's 1999 That was the I think that was the peak of that right and while people still unfortunately say these things We now have the good sense to maybe not put them in our teen movies. Yeah. Yeah, but yes Yeah, it's a real a real shock and bummer that are the movies of our youth are so full of this. I want to point something out.

We do have a segment of our show called Oldest Teen, where we pick out the oldest teen in the movie. But I have a new category. For this movie, this is Oldest Teen movie. Like, you can't just pick one guy. It's a very small smorgasbord of old. I maybe would argue that I think Grease 2 is a worse offender. Sure. Maybe.

I don't know. What was that weed movie we watched? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Reaver Madness. But these are some old fucking teens. Yeah. Billy Bob in particular. This guy is great a bright spot of the movie He is comfortably 45. Yes And they have extras in the movie who are actual teens and it's so stark

They're just in a glass sitting next to a fucking grown-up There's like a literal child there and then someone who's getting there like their PhD in physics Yeah, just like these guys you understand that you've cast a bunch of old people, like you just don't have any extras who are actually teens. What are you doing? All the dads look like they're maybe five years older than their sons.

Yeah, they showed one, they go to a party at one point and they have a guy who like used to play football and they're like he played football you know back in the day and he looks the exact same age but they made him bald right that was the only way that they could age him it was ridiculous. So yeah so the we see like a scene at a at a like a family barbecue the dads are all fighting the dads like kids all played football they're arguing about whose kid is the best at all fighting, the dads like kids all played football, they're arguing about whose kid is the best at football. James Vanderbeek throws a pass at his dad, he's trying to hit a beer can off his head and he hits his dad in the face, so like,

oh, he's not that good, but Paul Walker can do it. Anyway, we get a scene in the Sex Ed class where we have a- Oh, slow down, I'm sorry, Just real quick that scene we saw somebody a baby aged Jesse Plemons Oh, you know, I was wondering that there's a kid there who looks like Jesse Plemons that is Plemons. It's gotta be I mean, I'm gonna look it up just because you know, I don't know first Well, that would make sense because he went on to do Friday Night Lights that feels like you know those like Roles that people have you go. Oh, that's why they got the role in the right. Yeah, just like a lazy casting director

Yeah, that's him Jesse Plemons. Yeah, I looked at him. I mean he is a very he's like one of those guys You look at and you know his his face burns into your retinas. A distinct man. Yes, very distinct. You know, we just did a talented Mr. Ripley, which we had Matt Damon and we had Philip Seymour Hoffman in it. I think Jesse Plemons is like an amalgamation of both of those men. Absolutely. Jesse Plemons is if they had a baby. Wow.

Yes, yes. Philip Seymour Damon. Yes. So yeah, maybe a Lil Plemons in this. A Lil Plemon? Yeah. I looked it up. It is him. I just want everyone to know.

I saw it. Crazy. OK. Wild. So yeah, we get a scene in sex ed class. We got a pretty, pretty sexy teacher. Yeah. We'll see more of her later.

But they made sure to say that all of the football players are 18. And I think we know why they did that. Yeah. Yeah. They want to get away with something. And it's like, yeah, I don't know. At least they do, you know, sometimes in these movies when they don't do that, I'm like, come on, just do that. Like, yeah.

Yeah. So it's but also, yeah, whatever. Yeah. So, yeah, so it's but also, yeah, whatever. Yeah. So, yeah, Billy Bob collapses in class. He is really hurt. He's maybe got a concussion or for sure he's got a concussion. The thing about this movie that I, I, I did that gave me like flashbacks and kind of was traumatizing is how many injuries I remember kids at my school getting in every sport, like every sport.

Somebody was fucked up all the time. And it was like, why are we so into this? Like, we're all like- Why is this allowed? It's so weird, like how much pressure you're putting on yourself, I don't know. I get it, I know it's a big, it's a big deal in America to be into

football, but I got to say the it's out of every sport I watch, there's more injuries in this than any sport and they stop and start all the time. I don't like watching football. I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this movie did, I think the problem with it is it did too much. It was trying to be too many things. I thought with the Billy Bob storyline that it was gonna be about like... I thought he was gonna die. I thought he was gonna die.

I kinda thought it was gonna be about like this. Yeah, me too. It is weird that nothing happens to Billy Bob. It's like a weird fake out. Yeah. They did a couple of fake outs in this movie. There was another moment which maybe just for the sake of whatever, I should preface this comment, that it did make it seem like a suicide plot point was about to

happen. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it did not. It did not. But it was like there were a bunch of fake outs for Billy Bob that were cheap to me that I didn't like. It was like, and I think it's like, decide what movie you want to be before you rent the equipment. Sure. That's how I feel about it. And don't make the solution a bunch of random movies. Exactly. If you can't, yeah, pick one. Pick one and a half or something.

So yeah, so there's a lot of weird tone stuff in this. So Billy Bob, we think he has a concussion, but in the game, Lance, Paul Walker is the one that gets hurt. He goes to the hospital and James Vanderbeek fills in for him and becomes the new star quarterback and the biggest fucking celebrity in the town. He goes to this house, and the house parties in this

are really fun. The house parties in this really make you want to go to a house party. They do. You know, they're giving beer to a pig, they're having fun. Man, I didn't get to go to any house parties in Florida. Oh man.

I'm so bummed about that. Yeah. Oh well. You probably lucked out. I can imagine a house party in Florida is just the beginning of an obituary. Nah, for them. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm gonna be fine. Yeah, obituary. Nah, for them. Yeah.

I'm gonna be fine. Yeah, it's through your bulletproof. Yeah, I am. But no, yeah, the house parties were crazy. And the injuries, well, the other thing is they were doing like painkillers also. There's this whole other painkiller's plot point. Yes, another storyline, a very serious story that they just gloss over.

Totally. So we know that Paul Walker's character has a knee problem already, but he doesn't tell anyone. But he's taking like a bunch of, I don't know what he's taking, you know, narcotics. And then when he gets this injury, they're like, yeah, he's not going to be able to play. He's going to lose his scholarship. But also he had so much scar tissue around his knee that he would have been fucked anyway. And it's like, I don't know. They're like old men by the time they're 18. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a real issue that would have been great to explore.

If the movie had decided it didn't want to necessarily be the movie that made the whipped cream bikini happen. Yeah, and if you think that like, okay, you got Paul Walker and James Van Der Beek, who's more likely to make an ouchie on their knee? It's Van Der Beek all the way. The world's most delicate seeming man. Yes, and he's like the only person on the team that doesn't get any injuries.

It's crazy. So yeah, so at this party, the prankster of the group, Tweeter, he steals a police car. Tweeter's fun. He drives around with a bunch of naked babes and tries to get James Vanderbeek to come in the car. This is kind of interesting. I do like that in this kind of gratuitous nudity shot, you also get to see Tweeter be naked and see his butt.

That's kind of a, these movies didn't usually have equal opportunity nudity. It was usually a bunch of tits. And then like, it's kind of nice that we're, you know, we're something for everybody. Tweeter's in great shape. And he's got tattoos. It's like, again again 18 year old with that

Yeah, I know crazy to me. I don't know. I know yeah this guy Yeah, this guy is a not a high school student. This guy is a bartender at an airport. Yeah, he's abandoned his second family But So yeah, so Vanderbeek doesn't go around with the naked babes, but he does take an invitation from Paul Walker's girlfriend to come over when her parents aren't there. So again, he is intertwined with Amy Smart, but he has this moment of weakness and he goes over to Paul Walker's girlfriend's house and she comes out in the whipped cream bikini.

Yeah. Strategically placed cherries and they like start to kiss and then he like can't do it and she starts crying and this like there's a lot going on here like right there's the potential for a great comedy scene here right like? Like a, oh this is funny, like you're crying in your whipped cream bikini, or like, you know, having to break up with someone while they're wearing whipped cream bikini. They don't play it for laughs, like that, they miss that.

And she does this like monologue about why she like, tries to sleep with football players, it's because she wants to get out of the town. And like, that's her way to do it. And I'm like, huh. Well, you didn't get the comedy of this, but like I do kind of like that they gave her a little bit of motivation and inner life. Like, yeah, usually the naked babes in these movies, like they're just punch lines. The movies are kind of mean to them. And I'm like, huh. Well, it's not the most robust character, but it is interesting that they're like, why is she doing this? And it is interesting that they give her a moment. Yeah. I was hoping they would... They do this thing later on where she kind of like thanks him for, you know, not being weird or something.

Yeah. And then she kisses James Vanderbeek in front of Amy Smart. On the lips. At school. Yeah. And so there was part of me that was like, you know, you humanize this character, but now we're back to like, you fucking slut. Like that. Sure. Yeah. humanize this character, but now we're back to like you fucking slut like that

Yeah, yeah, so it was like again It's like I feel like there was a tug of war going on figuring out where they were going and yeah, she's a mess She's a mess. Yeah, she's a mess. She's also in land man and Yeah, you guys should watch the land man. It's wild like I'm not we gotta do a land man podcast Yeah, you really do. Landman is crazy. My stepdad can guest on it. He loves it. Oh, wow. Yeah, for sure. He could. But yeah, no, people get really weirded out when I say that I watched Yellowstone and like Landman.

That's not weird. Crazy, you guys. You gotta watch it. But yeah, she's in Landman. And I want to tell you, she's even more beautiful now than she was in Versity Blues. It's wild. It doesn't make sense at all, but anyways, she's great. I'm glad that she is on a hit show and not just the woman who did the whipped cream bikini. Even though that is a pretty cool credit.

It's great that she kept acting and doesn't just go to cons and you know, sign pictures of the whipped cream bikini. I mean, she did Resident Evil. No, was she? great that she like kept acting and doesn't just like go to cons and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah a wedge between James Vrednerbeek and Amy Smart, reasonably. But the football, back to the football hijinks, they go to a strip club, they're 18, they're doing shots at the strip club, and Billy Bob gets up in strips, it's like pretty funny. You know, you don't want them to be just making fun of that this is a big guy, but he is like very likable

and fun to watch in this. He's the best. Yeah, and wouldn't you know it, one of the teachers, one of the strippers gets up there, the song Hot for Teachers starts playing. No, it was so stupid. Yeah. It's their teacher from school. The sex ed teacher. Yes. I like that her character, her stripping character is a teacher. Like she's not trying to hide it. Yeah. And I thought it was funny because they gave her a little bit of depth. Because at one point, she's like pulling away from school

before you know she's a stripper. And he, James Vander Beek, she says bye to him. And he goes, wow, she's got a really nice car for a teacher. Oh, that's right. And then you find out that she's a stripper. And I was like, well, that's funny. They gave and then you find out that she's a stripper and I was like, well, that's funny They may they gave us a whole little storyline about this Yeah, you know, it seems all very inappropriate but for this kind of movie

Oh and a completely unlikely but I will say they didn't you know, it was an equal opportunity Employer for this movie that nobody's storyline was good. So like the women were not written well. Exactly, but the men weren't written well either. So it's like whatever. But I will say Amy Smart's character, I was so confused by her because once James Vanderveeck becomes the new quarterback superstar, she's like mad at him.

She's mad at him, yes. It's weird, yeah. And I'm like, why is she mad at him. She's mad at him, yes. It's weird, yeah. And I'm like, why is she mad at him? He's on the team. Wouldn't you think he was gonna maybe play at some point? Like what the fuck are you talking about? And the way that they frame it is that, you know. He's getting too big for his britches.

Well no, right, there's that. But even before that, she was mad about it. And the way they frame it was, he's been riding the bench all season. Paul Walker's the star quarterback. He's got a fucking like billboard. Right. And Amy Smart is like, you know, when is football over? And he's like, it's just four more games.

Don't worry about it. And then he becomes, you know, that southern accent was way too good. I'm sorry. Yeah, you can't do that. It's only four more games. Four more games. Yum. Get the good old boy from Texas. Yeah, it can't do that in reference. There's only four more guys. Four more games. I'm just a good old boy from Texas. Yeah, I explained Mr. Texas by him. Steers and yon horns and cowboy boots. But here's-

And all my exes even Texas. The annoying thing about it was that after he stops riding the bench, because Paul Walker gets hurt, she's mad as if there's still not just four games left. It's like the games- No. What does it matter that he's playing now? What does and what does anyone want? What do you want anyone want to happen? It's just like yeah Well, also can I place the other really pissed me off?

They still have to go to state yeah Yeah, so what do you mean for more games? You got way more games, dog. If you guys, you got way more games. It's so weird. No one involved in this movie has watched ever played sports because like they didn't probably didn't want to pay for like other jerseys or something. I don't know. But like, you know what they didn't want to pay for was beer labels in the strip club. All the beer bottles just say beer on them. I love it.

That's the most generic, like generic lazy. You couldn't like make up a fake like beer for the movie? Sure, yeah, yeah. Fucking stupid. Like old Sampson's there, I just did it. Old Sampson's is fine. There you go. No one can really. Sounds real. Yeah, old Sampson. Totally.

But yeah, like if you, once you win, I don't know what it was, districts or regionals or whatever the fuck it is. District champions. Champions. You go to state now. So when they were talking, Jay's Vanderbilt was like, I never played football again. I was like, bitch, you just quit on your team before state?

Everybody got to go to state. You're just gonna bail on your team now? Ass Everybody everybody got to go to state. You're just going to bail on your team now. Yeah, asshole. Like I. It's kind of we're kind of getting it. We're getting into the I don't want your life scene. It kind of happens here. They like kind of start to lose and dad gets mad at him. He does the I don't want your life, which I thought was bigger

than that performance. So that was it's such a meme and and it sticks in all of our heads, but it kind of, I'm like, oh, he just did it. It's just a throwaway in that scene. And I'm like, sure, it's such a memorable line, but also what do you want your life to be? You've never told us, you've never, I guess you read that book one time,

maybe two times we see him with the book. But he, yeah, I guess he gets a college scholarship for academics later. To Brown. And I'm like, who is this guy? Like what, you don't have to have him sit down and go like, I don't want to be a football player. I want to be a writer. But like, something. Yeah. The second half is important. I don't want to be a football player. I want to be what? And then later he's like, I only want to play football when it's pure. OK.

What does that mean? At the end of the movie, he's like, and I never played football again. What the fuck? Who? What do you think about? It's not bad to like football. You can like it. Yeah, it's just yeah. It's infuriating. This this like, who is our main character? No one figured it out. Whoever wrote this movie hates football, I think. Yeah, and small towns. Yeah, and small towns. I think so.

And the thing is, I wouldn't say I hate it, but I certainly don't like it. And so I shouldn't about it if you wrote a movie about it. For sure, but you think if this movie was by someone who hated football, I would like it and I don't. Yeah. Satire stuff isn't like funny enough. And yeah, I know it's like any and like I like I'm not a huge sports guy, but like a well done sports movie is great. Like, oh, Friday, League of their own is an all timer for me. Yes. All the Rocky movies, all the Creed movies. I did, you know, I don't remember any of the sports The remember the Titans is my favorite like football movie by far. Okay, but yeah, there are like Friday Night Lights is amazing

So yeah, this was like it was like if Dawson's Creek tried to be Friday Night Lights Yeah, no So yeah, we're we're kind of you listen we got the I don't want your life. What life does he want? We don't know And how will he feel when the movie is over? We won't know that either but the end of the movie is coming soon and we'll talk about it right after We're back. It's Free With Ads. We're going to talk about the finale of whatever this movie is called. What is it called?

Oh yes. Varsity Blues. Varsity Blues. Yes. Varsity Booze. Thank you. High five. Thank you.

So like Billy Bob is like kind of having a meltdown. I kind of forget what happened to him. He's like injured the whole time. Nothing ever really happens to him. No, he thinks like the coach blames him for Paul Walker's character getting injured. And Billy Bob is a, he's an emotional guy and he gets bullied a lot.

And I hate watching him get bullied. It makes me so mad. He's got the scene where he's like crying and like shooting all of his old trophies with a shotgun. I know. And that's the scene where I was nervous because I was like, oh God, what's gonna happen? I hate this, and then it didn't, nothing happened.

And James Van Der Beek kind of comes in comforts him, and this is kind of a sweet scene, like they have good chemistry and it's nice. There's this weird like, filmmaking doesn't make sense moment where James Van Der Beek shoots a picture of John Voight with the shotgun, and then we see Billy Bob throw a

Liquor bottle at the thing, but we don't see it break it it shattered my mind. I'm like am I insane anyway, just like Also, why does this 18 year old boy have an enormous shotgun? Junior high graduation. Jesus Christ. So we're going into the final game. Amy Smart and James Vanderbeek make up for some reason.

She's such a wet blanket. I don't get, like, she's like, now I'm happy you're a football player. Yeah, it's weird. She just flips on it and forgets about the fact that he kissed that other girl. She's just like, now I'm, now you're a football player. Yeah, it's weird. She just flips on it and forgets about the fact that he kissed that other girl She's just like now. I'm now you're a hero and they play the food fight. I think she was a figment of his imagination I don't remember. She's not real. I don't yeah Anyone yeah, who did she talk to besides him in this movie? Wow, I mean great dead the whole time. Yes

Wow, that's the Shyamalan twist. I love it. It's the final game and they're kind of losing and John Voight wants to give somebody who hurt himself steroids and all the team is like, well, we're walking out. Then John Voight walks out and packs up his office. There's kind of a funny, not intentionally funny shot of them playing football and you cut to John Voight cleaning out his office. Yeah.

I'm like, and that's pretty good. I felt kind of bad for him in that moment, which is sad because he was such a piece of shit. Yeah. He was going to destroy James Vanderbeek's character's chance at Brown because he got into Brown on scholarship and he said, you better play good or I'm going to ruin your transcripts. You know, you know, if I get what I want, what a weird thing he got in for academic.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. It's, it's, it's very strange. And my favorite thing about his character though is he's like, so he's won 23 district championships in a row or whatever, which was like my coach. When I played, we won state every year, except for the years I was there. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I don't know. You just didn't want her life. I didn't want her life.

Put that shotgun down. Stop shooting all your trophies. But he had that huge statue that's dedicated to him, huge bronze like statue And at the end of the movie James Panderbeek goes They he never coached football again, and they didn't remove the statue because it was too heavy Yeah, so they like win the game Billy Bob kind of makes the makes the makes the final play and he's the hero. It was so adorable, maybe so happy. It was cute, I know.

Everything with him is really cute. Another needle drop, you know? I think it was- There goes my hero. I feel like that was the first time I ever saw, like that created a meme. That's the third thing that it did that stayed in pop culture,

is people slow motion running to There Goes My Hero. Oh, maybe this is the first time that happened in cinema, you think? I believe so. I mean, it came out around the same time. I don't know, did Foo Fighters make that song for this movie or did it just, it was already on an album? It was probably on an album, but I like to believe

that they made it for Varsity Blues. They saw Varsity Blues, they saw an early screening, like we have to write a song, guys, get in the studio now. It's got to be about heroes because it's the wrong moment. I need a hero. No, that's already been done. No, there's also a Collective Soul song on the soundtrack that plays during the credits and I love Collective Soul. Yeah. And I just want to say they're on tour with Live and Our Lady Peace right now. Wow. That's a lineup. I've gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. That's amazing. It's like all the grainy 90s SNL bands. Yes, yes.

Yeah, that's kind of the end of the movie. We get some voiceover. James Van Der Beek says the thing about the statue and that he never played football again. It's so baffling. Why? Do you like it? Who knows? Anyway, that's the end of our city blues. Hey, it's time for Hunk Watch.

Woo. It's Hunk Watch. I'm gonna give it to my man, Paul Walker. We love him. Always good when he turns up. He's fun in this. He kind of becomes the cut to his little arc. He like hurts himself and then he like coaches the team

at the end and he becomes the coach. That's kinda cute. Oh, he becomes the coach, I forgot. That was a nice little. Yeah, that was nice. That was nice. Any other thoughts on the hunks of this film? I like Tweeter.

I like a short. Tweeter! A short king who steals cop cars. Let's do it. Yeah, Tweeter was gonna be my answer as well. I don't know the name of the actor, apologies to that actor. He's in a lot of stuff. Apologies to Tweeter.

Yeah, he is just one of those guys from one of those things. You just see him in things, very 90s guy. He's not Steve Zahn, that's kind of how I've had him in my mind. But yeah, I thought he was great. And I thought the character of all the characters in this movie, his character was the most fun

because he truly did not mind going to jail for doing crimes. Yeah, yeah. I think even as he's stealing cop, he yells, I'm going to jail. Well, the thing is, he got to do the most stuff out of everybody in the movie. He did, yeah.

I know, it's like maybe the tweeter movie is the one we want to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something tells me he's got a rough home life. He's like, you know, he's the one that has the narcotics and is giving them to his friends. He's giving drugs to Paul Walker, he's getting naked in cop cars that he stole.

And yeah, he's got a rough life. He's a mess. He and Allie Larder should have been together. That's the... Who's Allie Larder? She's the whipped cream. A whipped cream lady, yeah. Yeah, yeah, they should have been together.

They would have been fun. They would have been fun. Now that we've talked about the hunks, we're going to talk about what we thought of the movie overall But wait, you're gonna have to hear a message first We're back, it's Free With Ads. We're gonna talk about what we thought of Varsity Blues, but first we want to let you know we got a new bonus episode up for ya. The second part of the pilot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

If you listen to this episode, you like to hear us talk about 90s shit. So hey, why not listen to us talk about the pilot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? It's one of our bonus episodes. And for our next bonus episode, we will be doing the Buffy musical episode. So excited. So please, if you want to hear our bonus episodes and all the great bonus stuff from Maximum Fun, MaximumFun.org slash join. And they come out on the last Monday of every month. There you go.

There it is. Treat yourself to some bonus episodes. Maximum Fun dot org slash join and Max Fun Store dot com to check out our merch. Yeah. OK, let's let's let's go around the horn. Talk about what we thought of this movie. We're ranking it on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials Emily you want to go first sure I was very disappointed. I hadn't seen this movie. I remembered it was a big deal when it came out and Yeah, it was all over the place tone wise. It was like I could never settle in Yeah, I could never like get into the world because it was just like I don't know it seemed like a bunch of

Vignettes that could have been after-school specials. I didn't know what the fuck it was But again, I love a movie that you could have on in the background of a party And people will be stoked to see it. I'm gonna give it a two Fair fair yeah Matt, what did you think? So I was coming at it from like, oh, I'd love to see this movie again. I remember as a kid enjoying it. I mean, it was a movie, so I liked movies. I don't think I saw a bad movie.

Well said, Matt. Yeah. I don't think I legitimately saw a movie that I hated while watching it until I was in Matt. Yeah, I don't think I legitimately saw a movie that I hated while watching it until I was in college. And so yeah, to revisit it, I was shocked at how many serious themes they attempted to put in and then just chickened out.

And I think there was about five of them. So for every theme they chickened out on, I'm going to deduct a point. So I'm giving it five. That's what I'm giving. All right. Fair. Yeah. I think if I had seen this movie at the right age, maybe it would be special to me. And I understand why it's special to people. If you saw it at the right age, you probably thought it was funny and the drama worked for you and you liked seeing the boobs and the butts and the whatever else you saw in the movie and and yeah it has a couple memorable things and a couple of like nice moments and performances but like is not a movie like does

not hang together as a movie at all yeah so I think it's a three for me yeah yeah much if you're looking to remember the 90s, much better 90s install check out there. Yeah, for sure. All right, that is Varsity Blues. Why can I not remember the name of this unapprehensible name? Because it sucks. Nope, nope, nope.

Hey, let's do some plugin before we go. Emily, anything to let people know about? All right. I would love it if you guys, well, I want you to log on and join Max Fun and listen to our bonus content. I also live on another bonus content channel called mythicalsociety.com, and I have a show called Emily, Have You Seen This? Where I show clips and things I found on the internet

and talk about them. It is a whole show composed of the other free stuff segment from this show. Pretty much. That's right. But it's stuff I would never, ever put on our show. Yeah. It's even weirder than the shit that she pulls.

Yeah, it's kind of dumb. Yeah, it is, actually. So yeah, I would love it if you join Mythical Society. We're all in a bunch of content on mythicalsociety.com. From over the years, if you just put our names in the search bar, you're going to find a bunch of weird shit. That's right. So it's a cool thing to belong to.

It would mean a lot to me if you supported it. I love you. Goodbye. Bye. That was great. Matt, anything? Yes, please. If you are in the Los Angeles area, on Friday, May 30th at 7 p.m.,

my wife and I are going to be at the Elysian Theater doing a live podcast, The Bituation Room Live in Los Angeles. It's gonna be a lot of fun. There's gonna be some great guests. We're gonna talk politics. We're gonna do jokes. It's gonna be a lot of fun. So please get your tickets now. Friday, May 30th, 7 p.m. It's a great theater too. It's a great theater and it's small but it looks big. So buy your tickets before they, I mean that's what I love about it.

Sell it Matt, sell it. Yeah, it's a tiny theater that looks huge. And so when you sell 100 tickets, you feel like you're performing for a crowd of thousands. So be one of those thousands. Be one of those thousands, you can do it. Yeah, I'll remind folks that Godzilla versus Los Angeles is in comic book stores now.

You can go grab it. It's a fun Godzilla comics anthology. I wrote one of those stories. All of the money goes to wildfire relief, so it's a good cause. Yeah, I maybe want to remind y'all about some cartoons for a second. I've written some cool cartoons that

have been coming out lately. There's a new season of Jellystone on the Max streaming app. It's been out for a couple months. And that show, it's a really lovely, funny, weird show. I really loved it. Will they ever make more? I do not know, but the episodes they have are really great.

They let me kind of head up a big crossover episode they did called Crisis on Infinite Mirths where a bunch of the old Cartoon Network characters come to that show. Powerpuff Girls, Dexter and Dee Dee, the whole gang. And yeah I also wrote for the new season of Teen Titans Go that is currently airing on Cartoon Network and coming to Max periodically. I love that little show. It was so, so much fun. And the episodes turned out great. So yeah, if you're, if you're, listen, we, we, we don't recommend you pay for streaming platforms on this show, but if for some reason you do, um,

support the stuff we do. Yeah, support the stuff we do. Only subscribe for things that involve us, nothing else. But also watch Landman, it's crazy. Yeah, maybe check out Landman. Plug the Landman. The Landman link will be in the description. Yes. All right.

Tune in next week when our movie will be Batman Returns. Thanks for watching!