Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Current-ish Ep3. Exam results, early release, and the possible end of two marriages

Episode Date: August 14, 2026

Lucy Porter is joined by Vittorio Angelone, Jake Bhardwaj, and Susie McCabe to talk all things current-ish events. Are exam results important? What should we do about early release? And what happened at Edinburgh airport?Hosted by Lucy PorterWritten by Lucy Porter, Ruth Husko and Katie Sayer with additional material by Mike ShephardProducer - Katie Sayer Assistant producer - Molly Punshon Executive producer - Victoria Lloyd A Mighty Bunny production for BBC Radio 4

I'm Lucy Porter and welcome to Currentish, the show that takes the news by the hand and gently asks it, You OK, hon. This week we're coming to you from the city of Edinburgh. Ah, Edinburgh. The birthplace of modern economics, although we won't hold that against them. Once again, I'm joined by a panel of brilliant comedy minds, eager to impress me with their effortless command of the week's biggest and silliest stories. To be fair, I'm not easily impressed. The last time I was impressed was by a man who could fit a heart.

whole mini tub of Pringles into his mouth at once. And listener, I married him. Please will you welcome my amazing panel, Vittorio Angelooney, Jake Bardwage and Susie McKay. Now this week, exam results came out in Scotland, and the rest of the UK follows next week. Scottish exam results operate on the same principle as the Scotland World Cup squad.

They're out a good few weeks before England. Not popular in the room, man, really. Read the room. Shall we talk about our exam results? What did you get in your A-levels or your hires, and how much do you think that will help towards your end-career goal of appearing on Taskmaster? I feel so seen.

Jake, my love, so did you do any A-levels? Yes, I did the A-levels. That felt important. Did you go to school? Did you do anything of value at all? Did you... My first job was writing quiz questions on the chase on ITV. Ooh.

Yes. Very pantomime, isn't it? We're very impressed by... Yeah. ITV game show quiz writing. So if you've got GCSEs, you're sort of on ITV already overqualified, really, to be honest with you.

They change all of the subjects to sort of be more ITV rather than your school's subject. So English literature becomes books, geography becomes places. Yeah. Filming TV becomes stuff Anton Decks done, basically, essentially. Does everyone know who Fanny Schmeller is? Was that you? No, that wasn't me.

She is a skier. Sorry, Susie's ears perk up. I know she's in you move so fast. I met her in here in the 90s. Before it was a comedy club. and um yeah i didn't know who she was she's this she's a skier with um a great name and it was sort of like the chase's big youtube viral hit that a question was asked about fanny shmella and bradley laughs and it's like really great i didn't know about this on my first day on the job uh and my boss

sort of like lent in and said look you get your head down okay you write your questions you quiz questions and one day you might have your own fanny shmella moment i honestly i was i didn't know what was I thought, what, it's ITV? I don't know. Yeah, I love when you said the GCSEs might make you overqualified for ITV. Is that just because you're a bit old

for Phillips Schofield? Wasn't at the time. I was not at the time. Vitorio, now, I don't know how you did in your exams, but I do know that your dad is very proud of you. And the reason I know this is

a few years ago, I was in Edinburgh airport and I started chatting to a random fella as middle-aged people do. And I think we were both sort of astonished by the price for Toblerone or I don't know why, but anyway, we've got chatting. And this guy he said, oh my son's doing a show at the

festival and his name's Vittorio and we had a lovely little chat. And I didn't know at the time, I wasn't aware of Vittorio's work. And obviously now you are smashing it and your career is going amazing. And what I love is every time I see something about you, I see you, I just think, oh, I bet his dad's

delighted. My favourite thing about that story is that when my dad accosted Lucy at the airport about me, Lucy hadn't heard of me, but we had the same agent at the time. My favourite thing about that story

is that Lucy's now your step-mom. That's nice. I mean, I didn't like to ask if he's still married, but... Happily married, Lucy, please. Just checking. Just checking. So, yeah, did you take a conventional path to being a stand-up comic?

Yes, I did the bog standard path where you do your A-levels and then you study to be an orchestral percussionist at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama. Do exams in the triangle and then pack it all in to come being a cave in Edinburgh. Classic, absolutely classic. But no, I was all based in addition. I was very good at the xylophone for a time in my life. Like, do you remember the little things when you were two, your parents gave you a little colourful thing and a stick?

I just sort of kept cracking on with that for about 22 years. Susie, tell me about your glorious academic career, etc. School was a bit of an inconvenience to my social life. But I did get 40s and I'd be at my hires. One of which was physics, which is no bad, right? And then I got two A's and I'd be in my sixth year. And I didn't go to university because I chose homosexuality.

It was one or other. Did you get that through clearing? Oh, there's been many a test I've had to get through clearing. And then worked in a gay bar, so I two studied music, Donna Summer and steps. And then I went and became an electrician, I thought at some point you need to get a real job because you're not middle class.

Don't judge me by my sweater vest. So the big news this week is that over 70,000 people apparently crossed into the Spanish enclave of Sauter via the border with Morocco. And 70,000 people is also coincidentally the number of Facebook commenters who have suddenly qualified as experts in maritime law.

Obviously, it's a tragic story. But the reaction to it has been quite incredible, hasn't it, Victoria? Yeah, the Reform Party have said they want to utilise the Navy and have the largest military operation in the Channel since World War II, which is an interesting idea, sort of similar to the rest of their ideas. But their opponents in the upcoming Clactan election have said they want to release the Kraken. So various tactics on the table at present. It seems like a lot of pressure to put on the election.

Navy. Like, that's two boats now, isn't it? That's a cruise ship. They'd have to do the entertainment as well. There was a Navy commander who genuinely said, rather than using these battleships that are for actual war to ferry people around, should we maybe just use an actual ferry? Just the Stano Line

takes a trip to Morocco for the day. Sponsored by P&O Cruises. Just a bunch of confused Rangers fans in Morocco going like, wow. It doesn't take much to confuse them. And you're going, like, Farage is coming out as if we need to build like an armada to come. And you're like, mate, it's a pedalo.

It's literally a couple of boys in a pedalo. No, no, no, get the Royal Navy. I don't know if you've noticed, Nigel, but we're in the brink of World War III. The Navy might be busy. trying to get ready all the tapes are Prince Andrew when he said I've done in a minute

So without the immigration Where would we be, right? Immigration has been the sole driver Wouldn't be here. Well, exactly. I think it would just be you and Susie. No. No, no, two generations back

that's basically Donnie Gallin are still here. Yeah. You're on your own, mate, I think. Well, no, can you, do not look at me? and see that I am clearly of Celtic origin. I think you're going to claim you're Indian for a second then. I really did. The way you looked at me, I'm not saying you did,

but there was a suggestion of a head wobble. I don't know what it was very odd. Do you not look at me and think, I don't think a thing. I really don't. I was just thinking to myself, don't do the accent, don't do the accent, don't do the accent. Is this not going on the Asian network?

No. Now we've established that none of us would be here without immigration. There is sort of this idea, I think, that old culture is being, you know, it erodes culture or whatever. Although you think like Germany has taken in the most migrants and they still manage to umpulumpur.

The umpapa is what they're thinking about myself as an umpahumpa. That's what I'm doing. This famous German chocolate factory. This is the most culturally sensitive episode of radio, I can't believe we're still talking about orange bastards. It has been suggested that

the migrants were influenced by social media because misinformation online mistakenly told migrants that Spain was open. And I think this is such a problem now, isn't it? Stuff online. I fall for every AI. It's oh look, it's a video of a little

puppy water skiing. And I feel a million years old, but do you get misled by things online or are you more savvy? I think the internet was just better when it was plugged into a wall. Do you know what I mean?

It was just easier, wasn't it? The world was an easier place when you couldn't carry the internet in your pocket when you had to go on to the computer and kick your mum off the phone. And then you were too busy getting skilt for that

it didn't really matter what was on the internet because your mum was hitting you. Yeah. It was an easy. See, Ote. And if, like, because if my kids are downloading porn, I've got no idea,

whereas if I had tried to... They are. Sorry. I just want to make clear they are, and any great suites. So they're not downloading it. What year is it? Because if I was trying to watch porn,

like my mum and dad would have come in and it would still be loading line by line before we got to any hint. of penis or vagina, that would have been switched up. You would have been reading it in a magazine. You were watching that in the internet. You were reading it and out, you were turning the page. You were trying to turn the page.

Well, that's the difference. We can multitask. Another big story this week has been the UK government's early release scheme and the Ministry of Justice says the capacity crisis is so severe that prisons are essentially running at one in, won out rules, like a nightclub in a provincial town except with fewer fights and marginally better toilets. Nowadays, when prison guards find hammers and sores

and saws smuggled inside a cake, they just let them through in the hope that the prisoners use them to build more cells. So, Susie, this early release scheme, you've been looking into it, what's been happening? What a hoot. So, new Prime Minister, man of the North, I don't know what, the man that drinks gravy and listens to new order and repeat.

has it he just always looks like your daddy his second wedding right and he has listened to the anger, anxiety and distress of the public but yet it's still not calling an election and then and he has said I

have got these concerns and we're going to release prisoners because by November our prisons will be full and I went well who could have seen this coming for the past 30 years it's not like we've ever discussed that our penal system may or may not be working if people keep going back

into prison, that would maybe tell me, we should maybe change this. I like the idea that it's really technical language to come out as a lesbian, to be like, the penal system just isn't working. I think you said the statistic is three quarters of prisons are overcrowded now. But they're saying like by November.

They're then going to be totally full, yeah. Which seems amazing, doesn't it? Sold dirt. Yeah, it's not amazing. It's not brilliant. I don't know. That's amazing. Sold out five stars. If you show up early in Q there is a chance you get in on the door.

Some production notes. And at the end if you could just put something in a bucket. You definitely put something in a bucket. The thing is, right, three quarters of the prisons are overcrowded. But one of the solutions is women,

their prisons can be closed and will make room for the men because we can't have anything. Can we ladies? No. Is there anything that the patriarchy will not take from us? We can't even have our own presence. I mean, is there anywhere else they could repurpose

if they're taking the women's prisons away? Have we ever tried Australia? Try to think of creative solutions. I just make one more point about this. Right, who remembers a Good Friday Agreement? Remember that bit in the letter? Or the paramilitary. and people out onto the street who I believe were murderers, right?

And nobody got upset about it because it was part of the Good Friday Peace Agreement, but now we've got overcrowded prisons. Barbara, Barbara and Suffolk is absolutely losing her shit! Because it might just affect her as opposed to stay over the water. No offence, Vittorial. It was just nice to have my uncles over for Christmas again. But yet none of us can find a bin in London all these years later. Well, shall we move on?

From empty prisons to empty shelves, the other big story this week is that the drought in England and Wales is continuing. If you're in England or Wales, the most moisture you've seen in weeks is the sweat constantly pouring down, you're in a thigh. Sorry, what? That may just be me. Do you know it's a stand-up where you say something in a room

and you go, no, that's just me? That's literally just me. The Farmers Union is warning that there may be food shortages, caused by the lack of water. Jake, you've been looking into this for us. What have you found out? Yeah, the drought continues. We are going to be short of barley and wheat and oats,

which is the world's worst Shag Mariavoid dilemma, I think. What would you go for? Shag barley. Sure. Mary wheat. Yeah. Oh. Well, someone was shocked.

Sorry, we've got a celiac in the. He really wants to shag wheat. Is that what you thought shredded wheat was? So the farmers, they're diversifying. So apparently some of them are turning the land into cafes. Some of them are turning into wedding venues. So they're trying to diversify, but also future-proof the crops from the sun. So some of them are sun-creaming their apples.

They really are. What is wrong with England men? It does sit. Sun-creaming for a start, like, surely that's going to take. taste horrible. And also, like, if you, oh, in the winter, you fancy a lovely baked apple, and then you put it in the oven,

and it just sort of comes out the same. How do you like them apples? SPF 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just, well, these are the measures people have to go to. And then I think, like, no, all the onion farmers are swapping to grapes.

Could we start growing olives? Because this is the most radio four sentence I've ever said. Not the sweat down the inner thigh. That was more Channel 4 in the 80s. Is there anything to be said for a charcutory board? Oh, let's just go there. Let's just go there. No, but the price of olive oil is shocking.

I said it, guys. Not afraid to speak about you. I don't know who this Philip O'Berryo fella is, but he must be minted. I'm loving the fact that there's parts of the UK that are just in fire, and we're like, no, we're fine. Oh, it's 15 degrees today. I'm perfectly happy with that. Wasn't Arthur's seat ablaze very recently?

Right, but that was people coming up from south of the border of the bar. With a disposable barbecue. I was in London last week. Don't hold it against me. I walked. 25 minutes along the South Bank, 33 degree heat with a pair of jeans on. And I genuinely text my mate and went, I feel that I've just done a high rocks thing.

My mate who lives in London, it's cooled down. I went, mate, when you're Scottish, the difference between 33 and 40 degrees is negligent. Melting is melting. My husband the other day we were talking and he said I read a thing on the BBC he said apparently women suffer more in the heat than men because women start sweating at a higher temperature and don't sweat as much

and then he said to me he said oh but you should be alright because you actually sweat quite a lot for a woman yeah he's dead now I flew over England and it looked like North Africa and I thought hmm ironic. Although I, when I got to Edinburgh, some of the Scottish people were like, oh God, no, it must be lovely, the heat. But it was like, no, you didn't experience.

I guess the grass is always browner, isn't it? Yeah, how have you been coping in the terrible? I just assumed the whole UK was like this. I've come to Edinburgh with no long-sleeved tops. My arms have been wet since I arrived. It's a classic fringe of me. I always pack and, you know, I didn't pack a single jacket.

I packed so many clothes. I can't tell you how big the case is. I opened it. I looked at the weather. I thought, you idiot. You've packed 25 of the same short-sleeve shirt and nothing else. Now, we do, I think, just have time for some other headlines that you might have missed this week. After years of legal battles, judges have agreed that Gatwick can spend $2.2 billion to move its emergency runway 12 metres to the next.

north. There's not a feat of engineering. That's attempting to parallel park, isn't it? Gowick Airport has been planning a second runway for so long. The signatures on the original planning application are from the Wright brothers. In other news, BP is putting its North Sea oil business up for sale as part of a long-term strategy to strip away all parts of its portfolio that cannot reasonably support a branch of MNS, simply food.

People tend to... think of BP as an oil company, but as the power behind the Wild Bean Cafe brand, it is also one of the world's largest coffee retailers. It's amazing. Basically, they've cornered the market in anything where people pay ridiculous amounts of money for some disgusting black liquid.

BP took much of the blame for the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill, which inundated Florida with nearly as much grotesque filth as the last house party at Mara Lago. But we don't just want to focus on the big story, so I've asked my panel to bring me something brilliant that caught their eye during the week.

So, Vittorio, what have you found for us? Breaking news, Kent stinks. It was a story on the BBC that I read. There's like a few towns in the middle of the county of Kent, and all the residents are just saying, there's an absolute stench, and it's been here for about a month, and we don't know what to do. But my favorite bit was one of the councillors was speaking on behalf of one of constituents,

and he said, you know, people are really worried. about this, I had a constituent say to me, it smells like a pile of burning Lego. And I said, well, I reckon it's him because that's way too specific. It's like Jeffrey Dahmer going to his neighbours going, does it smell like

there's bodies in my fridge? It is so weirdly specific, isn't it? Who would know what burning... Unless he's had a really sort of unpleasant divorce and custody battle. So do they know what the smell is?

No, no, it's still anyone's best guess, anyone's just towns full of people going, it could be coming from my Edinburgh accommodation. Oh my gosh. And drifting sand. How do you people live like this?

Honestly. They don't. Anyone who lives in Edinburgh is currently on holiday, making their year's salary from renting out one bedroom for a month. Lucy and I are both in student accommodation. Not together. We're both in-we were exchanging insect bites

from our mattresses. I know. The terror that was put into me because I said, oh, I've got these weird little bikes. They're sort of three formation. And you've... The personal reception, I complained about the state of the student accommodation.

And she said, oh, these rich foreign students, they leave it in a mess. They're so dirty. I said, hang on him. Are they dirty? Because they're rich or foreign? And she said,

rich. And I was like, fair enough. I gave you the chance. You took it? That's mad. I asked the same question and she said foreign.

So mysterious smells about, and this is bed bugs. I think it's bedbugs. And so Jake said, oh, you're going to have to burn everything you own. I'm going to have to burn everything I own. Even the Lego.

Even the Lego. We've solved it. There you go. Call us sluth. That's what it is. It's someone burning all their possessions for bedbugs. Jake, what has been taking off in your group chat this week? A man was partially sucked out of a Ryanair plane.

That actually happened. And Ryanair's answer was, you can rebook the flight if you want. Classic Ryanair. Charging on from the damage to the Wendale. It's such classic Ryanair, isn't it? Because this happened to a while. I didn't know that was like classic Ryanair. that people were getting sucked out of windows.

Oh yeah, yeah. Flying through the sky, that is so Ryanair. That's just whiz air mainly, but not Ryanair. I think if you fell out, you'd probably land closer to where you wanted to be than someone going to airports. His wife was pulling him back, genuinely. He would have gone out of the window. He'd wearing a neck brace for six weeks.

Oh, it's a horrible story. I'm sorry I'm making light of it if that man is listening, but, you know, he always wanted to be sucked off at 30,000 feet. But not so sorry. You wouldn't get a few super, kids. I do think Ryanair is sort of like, I have a conspiracy theory that it's just the IRA branching into aviation terrorism.

Do you know what I mean? Like, everyone's got a Ryanair flight from London to Belfast and we landed in Aberdeen. In fairness, quick-thinking cabin crew we're able to take advantage of the situation telling other passengers that this is what happens if you try vaping in the toilet. Susie, what's your favourite story of the week?

My favourite story was in social media. It was a very questionable media source. However, it did say, Scotland to be prepared for polar vortex. And I went, oh no, we're fine with that. Oh, no, we're good with being snowed in. So this will be like COVID when we're out with the house measures again. We're all baking banana bread. And I said to my partner, do you know the good thing if you're snowed in?

She went, what? And I went, this is the fun. difference between summer and winter. You don't see the neighbours if you're snowed in. Because you know around about day four of the good weather, you're like, no, let's not have a barbecue. No, man, I can't hear one more story about how her mum is. Newell, just, do you know what, we'll just sit in

and open the windows and fan ourselves because I can't cope with another night with the neighbours. Right, that's the reality of summertime, isn't it? Right, whereas winter, you're like that. Snowed in, you had answered, getting the heating up. We'll no be able to afford it when it's future problem. I'll be sitting there

with a malt whiskey watching surprise surprise and a Sunday I'll basically be my dad in 1987. That's the most beautiful image I could imagine. If you'd see my dad's face, you'd see that I'm definitely my dad's daughter.

We all turn into our mother's aura father's I hope you turn into your dad, Victoria. It's so creepy in so many ways. We're seeing turning into Victoria's dad every night. Oh, my bed bugs. Is that what you're going? Is my dad been biting you? I hope your dad turns up at the fringe

with bed bug bites that. What a story. Well, before we end two marriages, I think we're better end the show. That's everything you need to know to stay currentish this week. It's been a pleasure to keep your company for the last three weeks before we hand over to the lovely Ian Smith. I'm now off to lie in a lovely damp Scottish field in the rain,

guzzling water like an AI data centre. Thank you to my lovely panel, to our wonderful studio audience here in Edinburgh and to you listening at home. Goodbye! Quarantish was hosted by Lucy Porter with guest comics, Vittorio Angelo, Jake Barbudge, and Susie McKay. It was written by Lucy Porter, Ruth Husko and Katie Sayer,

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