Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 10th May

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

A surprising guest appears at the Met Gala, and Rishi Sunak has an urgent message for Elon Musk.With writing from Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sarah Campbell, Sophie Dixon, Joe Topping, Lizzy Mansfield and Angela Channell. With additional material by Christopher Donovan.Exec: Pete Strauss Sound Design: Rich Evans Prod Co-Ordinator: Dan Marchini Producer: Bill Dare

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Join 16 million customers already saving with WISE. To learn how WISE could work for you, download the app or visit wise.com. WISE.COM for you, download the app or visit wise.com. BBC sounds music radio podcasts. Dead Ringers! You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Kearney. Thursday night's Piers Morgan Uncovered featured an interview with the real Martha from Baby Reindeer. Vareously described as a fantasist, a menace and a pathological liar,

Piers Morgan still manages to attract excellent guests to his show. The Met Office says there's no need for alarm after people across the UK were spooked by the sight of a mysterious glowing orb in the sky. Apparently, it's called the Sun. But don't worry, it'll be gone by Sunday. Westminster now and former Chancellor Nadine Zahawi has announced he's standing down at the next election, saying he wants to spend more time with his money. But the big news is that there's been a second defection of a Tory MP to Labour.

This time it's Natalie Elphick. Ms Elphick was previously married to a disgraced Tory MP who ended up in jail. Well that doesn't narrow it down very much. She joins us on the line. Ms Elphick, why did you defect? I'm the MP for Dover and I look out over the coast and see thousands of people in little boats fleeing a miserable existence for a better life.

And I thought to myself, why can't I bloody do that? LAUGHTER For his reaction, the Prime Minister joins me now. Prime Minister, you've just had two terrible local election results, awful mayoral results, and now two MPs have deserted you. Exactly, so the plan is working. LAUGHTER And that plan is?

To keep saying, the plan is working, in a slightly manic voice while grinning like the Joker in Arkham Asylum, over and over and over and over again, and you know why? Because the plan is working. Prime Minister, thank you. I've gone all the way over here and the plan's still working. Thank you Prime Minister and we must move on. Thank you Prime Minister. Labour leader, Sakir Starmer joins us on the line.

Hello Nick. Sakir, you have to admit that Natalie Elphick seems a bad fit for the Labour Party. Oh, not at all, Nick. I mean, yeah, she's a bit right-wing, but, you know, who isn't these days? But where will it end? With Genghis Khan, a man who enslaved whole continents, raped and pillaged and murdered 40 million people? Have you got his phone number? No. Listen, Natalie Elphick's defection shows I'm attracting the sort of people I desperately want in my Labour Party. But you can see in numerous tweets from Ms Elphick that she hates the Labour Party.

Precisely. This way I won't feel so alone. Keir Starmer, are you saying that you hate the Labour Party? Keep it down. I think hate is a very strong word. Let's just say it's more... Well, it's... Look, I... No, you're right, I hate the Labour Party. It's not staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids.

Except in my case, it's Wes Streeting and Richard Bergen. Just days after announcing he'd be standing for George Galloway's Workers' Party at the general election, former England cricketer Monty Panasar changed his mind. Mr Galloway joins us now. Salam alaikum, peace be upon me. I cannot believe Monty is out so soon. He is an England cricketer.

That is a fair point, but I am incandescent with rage. No one makes Galloway look a fool apart from Galloway. Meanwhile, in America, President Biden has paused the delivery of weapons to Israel. My fellow Americans, by delaying these weapons, I showed Netanyahu who's boss. He can't use these weapons to flatten the last safe haven in Gaza for refugees whenever he wants to. Hang on, wait a sec, does this make me look too pro-Hamas in an election year? I'm not going to let Netanyahu push me around.

No, that's what my nurse is for. At Donald Trump's hush money trial in New York this week, porn star Stormy Daniels gave evidence detailing her sexual encounter with the former president. She lasted almost an hour on the stand. 59 minutes longer than he lasted. She lasted almost an hour on the stand, 59 minutes longer than he lasted. Hello. It's me again. Still being convicted by the Deep State for something I didn't do. I'm like Nelson Mandela. He had his long march to freedom, and I have to stay awake without drooling

Never again You cannot believe a word that Stormy Daniels says she tells lies about my penis It's not shaped like a mushroom by the way. I Last tried in 1998 and it was definitely shaped like a Teletubby Big Teletubby. A big Teletubby, not the little one. I'm being told by my lawyers they're calling for a Miss Trial. That's great, great, great. I love Miss Trial, not as good as Miss World, but she'll do.

Great job. Where is Miss Trio's dressing room so I can accidentally walk in on her naked? My name is Maximus Desmus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the phoenix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. I don't care who you are, you'll have to find a different venue. But I specifically booked co-op lives.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Welcome to Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. Can't pour some sugar on me honey too, it's a real life boogie and a real life hoedown. Don't be a bitch, come take it to the floor now. Woo-ha. More on that story later. The Chancellor, Jeremy Hunt, joins me now. Mr. Hunt? Sorry, Kirsty, I was just hanging sheets over your mirrors. What do you make of the Labour Party claiming you're gaslighting the nation? I'm not sure what you mean, Kirsty. They haven't claimed anything of the sort.

I can assure you they have. I think you'll find you're mistaken. Mr Hunt, I have Rachel Reeves' quote right here. She says... She never said that. You've misremembered, Kirsty. Chancellor, do you know what gaslighting means? quote right here. She said... She never said that. You've misremembered, Kirsty. Chancellor, do you know what gaslighting means? Oh, yes. It's when people manipulate others into doubting their own experience and perceptions. But we don't do that.

You're imagining things, Kirsty. You're doing it right now. Doing what? Trying to gaslight me. There's no such thing as gaslighting. You just imagined it. Shall we get back to the economy? What economy? The one you're supposed to be... It doesn't exist.

It was all just a product of your troubled imagination. So as Chancellor, you're claiming the economy doesn't exist. Of course I'm not. But you just said... Oh dear, Kirsty. Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty. It appears you're hallucinating. OK, this is going nowhere, so we'll leave it there.

But before you go, what's your reaction to Natalie Elphick defecting to Labour? Nice try, Kirsty. But a little tip. If you're going to gaslight someone, at least make it vaguely credible. Welcome to Race Across the World. Our contestants have raced from Mexico to Argentina and Morocco to Norway. But this is our toughest challenge yet. Using only public transport, they must travel from Manchester all the way to Leeds.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to Good Morning Britain with me, Susanna Reid, and whichever incredibly annoying self-important man they're paying me to tolerate at the moment. Last night saw the annual Met Gala in New York, with celebrities trying to grab attention with weird and wacky outfits, featuring outlandish props and avant-garde stunts.

But there was one surprising star of the night. Oh my God! What is that? Yes, hello, it's me, Ed Davey. And as you can see, I've come dressed as the Blue Wall. And if you just bear with me, I can just let off this sparkler. Oh! Ha-ha! Oh! Behold, I have knocked down the blue wall

to reveal the itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny orange polka dot bikini of Liberal Democrat competence! LAUGHTER Gosh! Rather chilly evening, isn't it? Don't suppose anyone's got a clumsy visual metaphor about the warm blanket of proportional representation? They can lend me, anyone? APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS You have reached Elon Musk. Do not bring me problems. Elon does not like problems, no problems. Elon, it's Rishi. Damn, I wanted to tell you this in person rather than leave a message. I am in person. This is how I speak. LAUGHTER Oh, great. I wanted to tell you this in person rather than leave a message. I am in person. This is how I speak.

Oh, great. Well, sorry about this, Elon, but I did my best. I tried to get sacked as Tory leader last week by being utterly terrible, but somehow it wasn't enough. But we had an arrangement. You would be sacked and replaced by the semi-AI human known as Sue Ellen Braverman. replaced by the semi-AI human known as Sue Ellen Braverman. LAUGHTER And you would come and work for me

as Tesla's Vice President of Modular Integration. Now the deal's off, Elon. No can do. Bummer. Sorry, you'll never find anyone as talented, charismatic and dynamic as me to come work for you. Incorrect. I already have. He's on the other line. Hello, I'm Nick Clegg, sorry about that. In a world devoid of leaders, only the fated shall rise.

One man, one dream, one destiny. And you're sure nobody else wants the job? LAUGHTER John Swinney is the First Minister. I always knew it was my destiny to lead Scotland, and all it took was literally no one else standing for the position. LAUGHTER The First Minister coming this summer. No, but seriously, if literally anyone else fancies a go, I don't mind.

Because after all, not all heroes wear capes. No, some of them wear rectangular glasses, sensible shoes and the look of a resigned dog who knows exactly why he's off to the vets. Well what a first half that was. Erling Haaland firing on all cylinders to give City a two-goal lead. Sintillating football. I think you'd agree with me on that, Alan. Oh, yeah, magnificent, Gary. The highlight for me was the pitch.

LAUGHTER The pitch? Yeah, you know, it was lovely and green and luxuriant and I'm sure it was achieved with environmentally friendly fertiliser to help biodiversity, you know. Got to be kind to the bumblebees, Gary. And what about you, Rio? Well, I 100,000% like the kissing, Gary. The kissing? Yeah, the way Phil Foden and Rico Lewis embraced Harland after that first goal. It was a purely inspiring LGBTQ moment. after that first goal. It was a purely inspiring LGBTQ moment.

LAUGHTER Hang on. This about Mark Lawrenceon? Of course it is. He got sacked for not being woken off, Gary. I'm scared. I've got a wife and three kids. I need this job. Look, for the millionth time, Mark Lawrenceon did not get sacked because he was not woken off. He got sacked because he was a boring, patronising, dreary old arse. Well, that's on the application form for being a sports pundit.

LAUGHTER Yeah, and you have to tick the box that says you're not a robot. Tim Henman did it 38 times before he got it right. LAUGHTER Look, trust me, there is no shadowy elite patrolling what you think and what you say. There is no woke squad coming to cancel you for every comment. Oh, phew, that's a relief, Gary, because, because you know, being honest personally, I actually find players

showing affection rather vulgar. Oh, hold on. Did you just press a button on your desk Gary? No. Could have a thousand percent sworn you did. Didn't you Alan? Where's Alan Gary? Sorry, who's Alan? Let's get back to the football. RuPaul, what did you make of the first half? Oh, fabulous, just fabulous now. Sachet away. And now a controversial new drama series from the makers of Baby Reindeer.

new drama series from the makers of Baby Reindeer. I felt sorry for her. That's how it started. She was strange. Anyone could see that. Detached in a dream world where the normal people couldn't touch her. And in my pity, I wanted to help her. That's why, eventually, I said,

you've got a nice smile. And she looked up at me with those wild eyes and said, I know! She seemed normal at first, but slowly I began to realize she was delusional. Every sentence, a new fantasy. I used to be Prime Minister! She was clearly deranged. I was ousted by a deep state woke agenda.

Soon she began following me. Do you want to hear an extract from my book? It's a bestseller chapter one why the OBR needs to suck a great fat chubster She'd read me passages one incoherent sentence after another I should have stopped it there, but I didn't I indulged her You're my baby reindeer I indulged her. You're my baby reindeer. Know why I call you that? Because Santa needs reindeer for his sleigh,

but Lizzie needs reindeer to sleigh. Hashtag sleigh queen, hashtag working it, hashtag inventive wordplay. Eventually, I couldn't take any more. Chapter 11, why natural yoghurt is probably a communist. Stop! Stop! I'm not your reindeer, okay? I'm not your friend. I'm just a struggling comedian trying to take a show to Edinburgh.

Okay, be careful reindeer. Last time I went to Scotland, I killed the Queen. Hashtag sos, you madge. Wait. I'm just realising you're not totally delusional, are you? This actually happened. You actually were Prime Minister. Then it hit me. This is the stupidest country in the world. People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister. I hate you as much as you hate me. I've decided the situation facing the Tories is so grave, I needed to think outside the box.

That's why I'm here in 1969 in the back of a bus filled with stolen gold hanging off the edge of a cliff in the Italian Alps. Who the bloody hell are you? Hi, I'm Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, the only person in history trapped in a more precarious position than you lot. Why the hell are you here? Because I desperately need a plan. So I thought I'd nick yours. I distinctly remember at the end of the Italian job that you said you had a plan. I didn't have a bloody plan. I just said I had a plan to string the audience along for a disappointing sequel.

Oh no, that's exactly why I said I had a plan to string the audience along for a disappointing sequel. Oh no, that's exactly why I said I had a plan. So what happened in the sequel? It never happened because everyone knew it would be crap. Bugger. At least on the bright side Mr. Sunak, I bet you'll never caught up in a bigger bus-related disaster than this. Yeah, try telling that to Boris Johnson. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE We're Britain's newest and biggest venue, Manchester's Co-op Live! With a seating capacity of 23,500, or zero,

until the air-conditioning units stop falling off the ceiling, here's just some of the chart-topping artists you won't be seeing in the coming months. Taylor Swift. When I heard that air conditioning unit had split up from the ceiling, I just wanted to reach out to it and say, no matter how bad you feel right now, AirCon unit, there will be other ceilings.

And having read how trashy the venue is, I am certain you and that ceiling are never ever getting back together. Rita Ora. Well, my outfit for this week's Met Ball was a homage to the co-op live arena. It cost stupid amounts of money and showed so much of my ass,

everyone assumed it wasn't finished. Indie chart- topper Grimes. I was married to Elon Musk and I let him call our children X45TY and H89DF and yet somehow this place is a bigger disaster than that. But it's not all doom and gloom. Who will you be seeing on stage at the co-op arena during May? You'll be seeing me, Steve. I'm an actrician. Paddy is a carpenter and Alexia is a joiner. Hello!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Doctor, look! Here come the Blurgans! Oh, no! Not the Blurgans! Oh no, not the Blurgans! Yes, we are indeed the Blurgans, Doctor. Well spotted! The Blurgans will not stop until the Earth is invaded and you are vaporised. Rhino, look, how much money do you want to just, like, go away? What?

You heard. I've got a huge heap of cash from the Disney deal, so I am literally rich enough to pay you not to invade the Earth and stop bothering me, which is far less tiring than all that running around waving my sonic screwdriver. Doctor, you can't just pay them to go away. They're the galaxy's most evil alien monsters. They won't just-

A hundred quid. What? Is that too much? 75? And throw in the signed photograph of Russell T. Davies. Done. There you go. Well, that was easy, Ruby Sunday. Right, Bob Iger has got us these priority passes

for Disney World, plus we get a meet and greet with Mickey and Goofy. Oh, result! Oh, but what about that tramp over there? Is he the master in disguise? No, no, it's only me. I just wanted to see Doctor Who when the whole thing wasn't filmed

in a quarry and dorking with a budget of three quid. Yeah. Just give me a bottle of scch and a bag of Jelly Babies and you'll never see me again. Goodbye. APPLAUSE You're back with today. London's Garrick Club has voted to allow women members.

After nearly 200 years, the Garrick threw open its doors after realising just how much it stank of old spice and roast dinner farts. LAUGHTER Some newer Garrick members claimed the club was merely an extension of Britain's oppressive public school system. But after they'd had their head flushed down the toilet by the head boy, they quickly shut up.

LAUGHTER So furious was one Garrick member that he set himself on fire. We can speak to him now. No, no, no. Let me singe. Mr Farage, you self-immolated. Someone needs to take a stand for the men in this country. And I'm willing to get a bit charred. Talk about blackballed.

And how long have you been a member? Me? Oh, I'm not a member. I was thrown out after I drew a pair of comedy knockers on a painting of Sir John Gilbert. I wouldn't want to join now anyway. Not since they've gone woke and allowed women to clog up the bogs with sanitary products. Look, darlings, the Garrick was a place where male power brokers discussed lofty matters

of politics and philosophy, fell drunkenly asleep face down in their soup and raided the waitresses out of ten. Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves has accused the Government of gaslighting people over the state of the economy. She joins us now. Ms Reeves, gaslighting, it's a pretty hip term for you to be using, no? Um, well, I wouldn't call it hip, but I just think young people's words hit different. Using them can be a bit of a flex. A flex? Sorry, I was low-key bragging there. You're right to call me out on it, that's why you're the goat.

Miss Reeves? Oh, sorry, no, you probably don't understand what I'm saying do you? No, no it's not that. I was just gonna say that, not to put you on blast, but you're being a teensy bit extra. Extra? Oh, erm... Sorry, do you not know what that means? I thought your gaslighting comment meant you were on the level. Oh, no, I am. I just think you're being a bit, erm, spatula. LAUGHTER Spatula? That's not a thing. Ladle. You're just naming kitchen utensils.

No, no, no, they're trendy terms. They're so trendy they're not on Google yet. Er, chopping board, force it, olive oil, air fryer. Can you dig it, sister? OK, Boomer. Uber is facing a multi-million pound legal case, which could result in London black cab drivers each receiving £25,000.

To earn that normally, they'd have to drive from Trafalgar Square to the other side of Trafalgar Square. Uber insists it'll vigorously defend the case. Uber's lawyer, Baz, in a grey Armani suit will be arriving at the High Court in three minutes... seven minutes? 19 minutes? Oh no, he's cancelled! Hang on, another Uber lawyer, Alfredo, in a beige Ted Baker suit will be arriving at court in four minutes... 17... Oh, blast, he's cancelled too. APPLAUSE

Susan Hall has denied she's delusional after saying how proud she was of almost beating Sadiq Khan to be London mayor in a race he won in a landslide. Landslide? Rubbish. We were neck and neck right up until they started counting the vote. LAUGHTER Miss Hall says she still harbours ambitions to be London Mayor. It just depends if any of the Dick Whittington Pantos are hiring this Christmas.

LAUGHTER And this week on The Archers, it's been the everyday story of necking a bottle of vodka behind the wheel of a car and smashing another car off a bridge in a horror crash into the river. Little wonder they've just announced Ambridge is now twinned with Vice City in Grand Theft Auto. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Hi there!

And welcome to the very first episode of the Trust Meisters podcast. Let's get real, it was only a matter of time Welcome to the very first episode of the Trustmeisters podcast. Let's get real, it was only a matter of time before someone gave this legend a pod-y seat. I'll be taking a fun sideways look at the news. And just like Rory Stewart and Alistair Campbell or George Osborne and Eddie Balls, I'm going to be all matey and have top bants with my greatest political opponent. Hello everyone, I'm The Lettuce.

Hi Lettuce, can I call you Lettuce? I prefer Kevin actually. Kevin, I've got to know, How did you mastermind my downfall? Please answer in a fun way. Well, I didn't mastermind anything because, spoiler alert, it was your own breathtaking political incompetence that brought you down. Combined with your total lack of concern

about the very real consequences of your economically illiterate policies for the lives of ordinary people. Great joshing, Lettuce! Hashtag funny cos it's true. This is gonna be such jokes. Banned central or what? I know! APPLAUSE Louis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Flanton and Tom Jensen,

Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Coles, Rob Dark, Edward Chiu, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Joe Topping, Lizzie Mansfield and Angela Channel. With additional material by Christopher Donovan. It was a BBC Studios production for BBC Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Deer.