Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers 11th June 2021

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

Will England come out of lockdown on the 21st of June, how should the last series of Line of Duty have ended, and will Tom Cruise ever finish Mission Impossible 7?The writing squad for the series: Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles & Ed Amsden, Jeffrey Aidoo, Simon Alcock, James Bugg, Sarah Campbell, Nastassia Dhanraj , Athena Kugblenu, Sophie Dickson, Rajiv Karia, Vivienne Riddoch & Jane Mccutcheon , Edward Tew.Producer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for attending this briefing. As the Chief Medical Officer for England, I must warn you of an alarming new development. A threat that is present right here and now, which, if left unchecked, could pose the greatest risk to the health service since the pandemic began. Hello, I'm Dido Harding. And I'm applying to be the chief executive of NHS England.

May God help us all. Dead Ringers. Yeah! Hello and welcome to Today with Martha Carney and Nick Robinson. The headlines. After President Macron was slapped during a visit to the Rhone, French police immediately seized two men and led them away to be congratulated. Officials fear Joe Biden has set himself two impossible goals for the G7 summit in Cornwall. Seeing agreement on carbon neutrality by 2025 and getting a table for four without booking at Rick Stein's restaurant in Paso. After the G7 event, Biden is due to meet Vladimir Putin.

He's expected to offer Putin an olive branch. And Putin is expected to offer the president a cup of coffee that's starting to melt the spoon. The EU and the UK remain locked in negotiations over the Northern Ireland Protocol. Back from Portugal, Michael Gove joins us now. Lovely to be here, Martha. They tried to make Gove go to quarantine. I said, No, V, no, no.

It seems the UK is furious with the EU for wanting to implement the exact protocol which we agreed to. Well, absolutely, Martha. I am incandescent. How dare they assume we were acting in good faith when we signed it? Haven't they met me? The government this week faced a Tory backbench revolt over cuts to the overseas aid budget. Laura Koonsberg joins us now from Westminster.

That's right, Nick. Leading the Tory rebels was former Prime Minister Theresa May. We have to help people with no hope. And I should know. I lost all hope long ago. Did you know I spent all yesterday eating my Muller Light yoghurts without using the fruit corners just to remind myself what being me felt like?

Boris Johnson, however, was having none of it. What? What a load of piffle. By not spending these billions on poor kids in far-off bongo land, we can instead not spend that money improving the lives of poor children here. More bloody ankle biters wanting Boris's money, not without a DNA test, matey. What? Just a few weeks ago, of course,

the Prime Minister was married at Westminster Cathedral. The BBC obtained this exclusive footage. Do you, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel, take this woman? To bury any bad news about the Downing Street refurb, Tory chums being awarded PPE contracts by the Shedload, and Matt Hancock's latest screw-up, as long as you both shall live in Number 10. Quoi? I do.

And do you, Carrie Lady Macbeth Simmons, take this man to rub Dominic Cummings' nose in it that you won your epic Downing Street power battle and emerged triumphant as the sole power behind the throne. I do. I now pronounce you man and wife. Boris, you may kiss that bridesmaid you've been eyeing up all afternoon.

What? I didn't do that! Many Westminster observers were surprised by Keir Starmer's appearance on Piers Morgan's Life Stories. I jumped at the chance. It was so amazing to spend an hour sitting across from someone who is actually less popular than me. Tido Harding believes she has widespread public support for becoming head of the NHS because she hasn't been able to track down a single person who thinks it's a bad idea.

Billionaire Jeff Bezos has announced that next month he'll be taking his first trip into space. He'll be stuck in a metal box for days on end and peeing into a tube, just like his Amazon employees. As Portugal was moved from the green to the amber travel list, the government denied its traffic light system was in disarray. Transport Secretary and Daughtered Orduster Salesman Grant Shapps joins us now. There's nothing confusing about our traffic light system, Nick. If a country is on the green list, you can travel there knowing you shouldn't.

If a country is on the amber list, you can should not are allowed to travel there whilst not. And if a country is on the red list, the only two exemptions allowing travel are compassionate leave due to a bereavement or being Boris Johnson's dad. APPLAUSE Where are we? Connor. Marianne.

Connor. Marianne. I've been thinking. Yeah? Yeah. Go on. It's just... What?

Just, I know how you won a BAFTA for your performance as a moody, monosyllabic, horny teenager in Normal People. That I did. Right you did. I did so. So. So. It's just Go on

Why didn't I win a BAFTA for my identical performance as a moody monosyllabic horny teenager in normal people Ah that's a good point so Right Right

Maybe you weren't horny enough Right Right. Right. Maybe you weren't horny enough? Right. Maybe. Marianne. Conall. Want to prove BAFTA wrong? I might as well. Howdy, y'all. This is Joe Biden here,

sending out this message to all of my friends in the UK. I am loving being here in the Cornwall. Interesting fact for all you Cornwallians. We have scones in the U.S. too, but we call them hot dogs. Top of my agenda is sorting out the Northern Ireland border of the United Kingdom. The U.K. and the E.U. need to sit down and settle the dispute the old-fashioned way. Like my pappy and his Uncle Clem. They were always scrapping,

so they decided to settle their differences with an old-fashioned horse wrestling contest, though we called horses gators back then. My pappy won, then Uncle Clem shot him, then pappy's wife grabbed the gun and shot Uncle Clem, and the whole town caught bison fever and died. All sorted. I hope that's a guide for how Michael Gove and Ursula von der Leyen can sort out those problems with his sausages.

Or as we call them in the US, Twinkies. For as we call them in the US, Twinkies. Welcome back to Naked Attraction, a Dulux paint chart of ball bags. Before the break, our contestants selected the red pod, so let's find out who's inside. Red pod, tell us a bit about yourself. Hello, I'm Keir, I'm from London and I work in politics. And why have you come on, Keir? I want to show more of myself to people and after my reveal interview with Piers Morgan resulted in a whopping one percent poll increase. I'm hoping that exposing my junk on national television

could get me to within 20 points of the Tories. And besides, letting everyone see my Ramsay MacDonald is a lot easier than coming up with a whole policy platform. So get a good look, everyone. You'll be seeing more of me through your letterbox. It's Sunday night here on BBC One and in a twist worthy of Line of Duty. It's an extra episode of Line of Duty.

Sir, why have you called us back here? Because Jesus married Joseph and the wee donkey and the donkey's pet gerbil. The whole thing stinks. It stinks to high heaven. The institutionalised corruption in the police force, sir? No, not that, Steve. The ending of the last series. It was rubbish. It stunk worse than Tandy Newton's infected arm stump. But we've made so much progress.

Everybody said I sounded undressed like a little kid. But I got a beard this series and I took drugs. That's big boy stuff, that is. Uncuff, this series was as confusing as ever. I mean, am I a lesbian or aren't I? Jesus, Mary Joseph and the Donkeys, Gerbils, Exchange student, will you shut your traps and search the database? The crime database?

No, IMDB. We need to find a better ending. OK, go on. Sir, have a look at this. What about Thelma and Louise? We all hold hands and drive into a quarry. Yeah, but how will we appear in the next series, though? Well, it'll turn out we swam to safety. Isn't that totally unbelievable?

Have you not seen this show? Hello, AC-12. You! Yes, it's me, Anna Maxwell Martin. What would happen if holding in a fart was a person? We're about to give this series a proper ending once and for all. Oh, I'm sorry, Ted. I'm afraid you're not.

There'll be no ending to Line of Duty ever. You monster! Unless we crank out even higher ratings, that dodgy Bashir interview will stay top of the list. And we can't have people thinking the BBC is institutionally corrupt now, can we? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the donkey. And the donkey's personal trainer, Sven. And Sven's old pair, Stephanie, her cousin.

You're listening to PM. And Matt Hancock joins us now. Mr Hancock, before talking about the new COVID outbreaks in Manchester, will you promise to tell the truth this time? I never lie, Evan. Now, Dominic Cummings said that Matt Hancock lies all the time. Oh yes, Matt Hancock is an inveterate liar. I don't believe a word he says. But you are Matt Hancock is an inveterate liar. I don't believe a word he says. But you are Matt Hancock. Oh no, no, no, no. I might look like him, but I am not him. Well, that is itself a lie. No,

I am the new variant Matt Hancock. One that is more potent, harder to eradicate, just as unwelcome, but doesn't actually lie. Mr Hancock. Don't call me Mr Hancock. That has too many negative connotations. I have a new name that doesn't carry any baggage. What, like a Greek letter? Beta, delta, gamma?

Call me Lovely. I'm not calling you Lovely. You just did. I'm not calling you Lovely. You just did. I did not. You said, I'm not calling you Lovely. There was no comma before Lovely. You did it again. You've called me Lovely 10,000 times in the last two minutes.

Just look at this graph. The rollout of my new name is going even better than test and trace. You're clearly lying just as much as ever. Really? Well, I'll just have to mutate again. Call me no. No. Fail for it. Matt Hancock, you big liar. Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, you're watching the 10 o'clock news. No, my head isn't getting bigger, my hair is getting smaller. It was good news for music lovers in Wales this week with crowds of up to 10,000 greeting the return of outdoor festivals.

Cardiff! Make some noise for the man who made all of this possible! It's the one, the only, Mark Drakeford! Hello, Cardiff! You see? You see? They said boring, sensible, cautious Mark Drakeford Cardiff! You see? You see? They said boring, sensible, cautious Mark Drakeford could never bring back large outdoor music and sporting events to the people of Wales.

Didn't they? But you know what, Cardiff? Who's laughing now, eh? Who's laughing now? Now, when I say Mark, laughing now, eh? Who's laughing now? Great. Now, when I say Mark, you say Drakeford. Ready? Okay, let's have a go.

Mark! Brilliant, brilliant. Now, when I say Welsh vaccination rollout, you say six weeks ahead of schedule, okay? Welsh vaccination rollout. six weeks ahead of schedule, okay? Where's vaccination rollout? Six weeks ahead of schedule! Ho-ho! Get on top of them,

Cardiff! Brace yourselves! I'm coming in for a stage dive! Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Who's being boring now, eh? Oh, hang on. Wait a second. Did I just hear a little cough? Oh dear I don't like the sound of that at all

Now I think the best course of action would be for all of us to head home Oh no, no, no, no Come along Come along now We've all had a little bit of fun We're not going to risk another outbreak No, no, not on my watch.

If you could just put me down, please. That would be nice. Oh, all right, then you can just carry me back to the car, I suppose, can't you? Hey! Cover, cover! Hello. Some nice jolly music. I'm Liz Truss, and I'm the Secretary of State for International Trade.

I know! Can you believe it? Nobody who's ever met me can. And this is another of my YouTube videos to let you all know about the latest wizz-o post-Brexit trade deals I've been signing. Last week I agreed a deal with Lichtenstein

which in the first year alone could be worth anything between £10 and £15. Ka-ching! And just yesterday I reached a trade agreement with the Silly Isles. Now, I know all the doubters and the haters out there will be saying, the Silly Isles are part of the UK. How can you sign a trade deal with a bit of your own country, you colossal doofus. But, as I always say, international trade begins at home

and increasingly ends there too. And today, I'm thrilled to announce I've just concluded a major new trade deal with Nigeria, specifically a member of the Nigerian royal family. I've just concluded a major new trade deal with Nigeria. Specifically, a member of the Nigerian royal family. I know! Who has invited me to deposit £500,000 in his bank account and he's going to repay it double. It's the best deal ever!

Here comes the jolly music again. He's going to repay it double. It's the best deal ever. Here comes the jolly music again. Hello there, and welcome to Countryfile with me, Matt Baker. Like an obsolete quid you once found in an old fleece. And me, Matt Baker, like an obsolete quid you once found in an old fleece. And me, Ellie Harrison, the type of woman who kisses her dogs on the mouth. Now, on Countryfile today, we're on Ellie's farm

to watch the introduction of new bull Maximus to one very lucky cow. Well, there was certainly no hanging around there from Maximus. What the hell are you doing, filming a sex scene like this? Sorry, who are you? I'm an intimacy coordinator. You need one for everything now. I'm an intimacy coordinator.

You need one for everything now. Come on. Really? I mean, you know, it all seems fine. Fine? There's no clothes set, no modesty garments, and you've totally undermined Maximus by letting the chickens watch. Has Ermintree consented to be mounted by a three-ton bull with knackers the size of space hoppers? OK, fine, fine. Let's just cut to something safe.

Yeah, let's just go in tight on that bee pollinating them crircuses. Without an intimacy coordinator! Oh, no, you don't! Coming to cinemas soon. Tom Cruise faces his most impossible assignment yet. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to complete filming on the Mission Impossible 7 movie without yet another outbreak of COVID.

Are you freaking kidding me right now? All I ask is that you people just follow the freaking COVID guidelines on set. Don't you understand? I'm almost 60. We keep dragging this filming out and my goddamn bones are going to be too goddamn brittle to do these goddamn mother freaking stunts. It's so goddamn hard about social distancing! I've been doing it with my wives for years! Yes!

As environments and climates change, many mammals are forced to migrate to plains that were long forgotten. This herd of creatures has returned to a place they thought abandoned forever. OK, come on, kids. Here we are in Skegness. Oh, well. We'll just have to make the best of it. Daddy, where are all the French people? Like on our normal holidays.

We're not in Aquitaine this year, darling, remember? But this is just as good as France. How's your skegness croissant? Oh, do get a grip, Dennis. It's a doughnut. You've reached UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the most popular angel of death since Stalin.

What's up? Tim, Wetherspoons Martin here. Really need your help. Without Schengen, we simply cannot get the staff we need. I want to start a movement to rejoin the EU. I know you were 50-50 the last time round, so maybe you can dig out that pro-EU article you wrote, get a big red bus, paint some eye-catching slogan on it.

Only this time it'll be true. Anyway, mate, let's talk and I'll throw in a lager-stained Persian rug for your flat. All right? Cheers! Welcome to Steph's Pack Lunch with me, Steph Govner McGovern. Today, I'm joined by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Right, fella, you've said that your production of Cinderella will definitely go ahead on the 21st

and you're willing to go to prison over it. You've been smoking spice, lad. Well, yes, I am prepared to... LAUGHTER I am prepared to do time, as I once heard the man doing my cornicing say. Theatre is the lifeblood of our creative industry. I went to a live show once.

It were Magic Mike Live for Big Pat's seventh hen do. The only snacks available were the ones Pat had to lick off the stripper's buttocks. I don't think I understood a word of that, dearie, but I want to send a clear message to this government. Theatres must open. Yeah? Or what? Or I will create the most disgraceful, obnoxious scene imaginable. You don't mean...

Cats 2? OK, I won't go that far. Not a complete psychopath. LAUGHTER OK, I won't go that far. Not a complete psychopath. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. So reassuring that if I told you you were going to die horribly in six months, you'd think it sounded rather fun. This is just one thing. Last week, I showed you that I can stay fresher for longer by sleeping in the fridge.

This week, I'll be exploring one thing you can do to keep healthy in post-pandemic Britain. Performing elective surgery on yourself at home. Not ideal, maybe, but with the NHS struggling with a huge backlog and inadequate funding, it's the only way you're going to get it done. Okay, well,

I'm here in my kitchen. I've put some cutlery under the grill there to make it nice and sterile-ish. I've knocked back a cheap Polish lager just to take the edge off yes I think I'm ready to remove my own tonsil with a fork

so there we go bear with could be a bit tricky this time there we go actually that really does hurt quite a lot of blood. I'm starting to feel quite faint, actually.

Well, I don't remember anything after that. And I haven't been able to eat solid food since. But at least I avoided an 18-month waiting list. Join me next week, when I'll be seeing if I can marginally reduce my blood sugar levels by waterboarding myself. Cheerio! Welcome to The World at One with me, Sarah Montagu. The vaccine programme in England has been extended to people aged 25 to 29.

I'm joined by the Vaccines Minister, Nadeem Zahawi. Now, the vaccine rollout as a whole has been a tremendous success for the government, hasn't it? I know. Weird, isn't it? Sorry, what do you mean, weird? Well, as you know, Sarah, everything else this government has done on Covid has been an unmitigated disaster. But for some reason, the whole vaccine thing has gone brilliantly. It's a real head-scratcher. But surely, as Vaccines Minister, you're in a position to understand why that's the case.

I'll let you into a secret, Sarah. I don't really know what a vaccine is. But if you don't understand, what's to stop it going all wrong? I hadn't thought of that. Is it going to go wrong? What have you heard? No, no, no, I'm just making the general point

that if... Okay, let's all stay calm. There must be something we can do to keep it on track. We could sacrifice a goat, or perhaps... Mr. Zahabi, can I turn to another... Freeze! Freeze! Nobody move! Perhaps if everyone in the country stays completely still, that will protect the vaccine programme. Or maybe it's the opposite. No one can stay still for a single second. Come on, everybody, jog for the vaccine! No, no, no, no, no, there really isn't space in the studio...

Oh no! I've landed on the floor! It's all right, everyone. The vaccine rollout is safe because I'm still wiggling my toes! Today, on Nigella at My Table, I want to show you an almost bacchanalian orgy for the taste buds.

So first, grab a handful of plump, ripe, oozing tomatoes and grasp them firmly, then gently and tenderly peel back the supple flesh, softly caressing the inner juices. What do you think you're doing? Filming erotica without an intimacy coordinator? Oh, for shame! Sorry, what do you mean? You must gain consensus from the fruit

on how they'd like to be handled. I want modesty shields on the cucumbers, soft focus on the figs, and if I see so much of a hint of Kiwi fuzz Then I'm shutting this whole thing down Dead Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson Lawrence Howard Ed Amston and Tom Coles Sarah Campbell Edward Chew Sophie Dixon Rajiv Kareer And Simon Alcock It was a BBC Studios production, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. This is the first radio ad you can smell.

The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.