Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 14th July

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

The penultimate episode of the current series.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. You join us now in the middle of shock-breaking news. After an extremely difficult and traumatic week, the Sun newspaper has gone into hiding. Yes, it has checked itself into an undisclosed location. A friend of the newspaper made this appeal.

Just leave the Sun alone. It's just a poor, defenceless little newspaper that hasn't done any harm to anyone. It's getting harassed on social media for things it hasn't done. Like checking facts. You should leave the poor thing alone

so it can recover away from the public gaze and resume its job of destroying people's lives. LAUGHTER Dead Ringers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is Today with Nick Robinson. And Michelle Hussain. Firstly, are you OK?

LAUGHTER The week began with The Sun claiming a BBC presenter paid a young person for explicit photos. But there were three key words associated with the claim that cast doubts on the story. Those words being the, sun and newspaper. APPLAUSE Sun and newspaper Then on Wednesday the name of the BBC presenter was revealed Rupert Murdoch joins me on the line

This is the trouble you see You BBC types with your messy private lives can never live up to the scrupulously squeaky clean moral standards of the sun The idea of asking a young person up to the scrupulously squeaky clean moral standards of the sun. The idea of asking a young person to pose half-naked disgusts me. You did have page three girls in your paper for 44 years. Yeah, but that was vastly different nudity,

as it made me lots of money. Remember, we never implied there was any criminal behaviour, apart from that front page where we implied there was criminal behaviour. And you have announced the son is not going to run any more stories about the affair. Yes, that's out of respect, Nick. For all those caught up in it. No, respect for my bank balance and how much I might get sued for.

Truth, what about some sympathy for me? Poor old Roops. You know, I would put myself into a secure facility too. One filled with paranoid, delusional oddballs, but there's no need, as I already have the sun offices for that. Earlier in the week, politicians were keen to comment on the affair,

including the Prime Minister, as he stepped off the plane in Vilnius. Prime Minister, your thoughts on the allegations about inappropriate behaviour that... Well, allow me to start by asking for patience and understanding while we deal with the matter internally. And I would want people to know that these shocking actions are in no way a reflection on our party or the values that we stand for. Sorry, your party? Prime Minister, these allegations are about a TV presenter, not a Conservative MP. Really? Oh, God, that's great.

Sorry, sorry. These days, when I hear the words allegations and inappropriate, you know, I just automatically think, oh, yeah, must be one of our lot again. Mr Sunak, I'm not sure it's something to be quite so giddy about. This is a scandal. Well, Conservative HQ has an internal process for dealing and... I've done it again. Sorry. Scandal is another one of our big trigger words. But look, when people have to deal with difficult situations like these, wherever they occur, it's important we treat them with patience and understanding.

Could this damage the reputation of the BBC at a time when the media... Wait, what? It's the BBC? In that case, sod patience and understanding. This is appalling. What a disgrace. Heads must roll. Just how big a mess this was became clear when Elon Musk turned up at Broadcasting House in a submarine. And he joins me on the line now.

Mr Musk, are you concerned that thousands of Twitter users spent the week throwing around accusations that were both wild and baseless? Of course I am. They weren't nearly wild or baseless enough. They need to be super vicious and utterly baseless, like times a billion. Like when I called that cave diver a pedo with no evidence at all.

So funny. One of the innocent BBC celebrities caught up in the Twitter witch hunt was Rylan Clark. Are you okay, Rylan? Me? Babe, I'm chuffed. Every single armchair Twitter detective whose name me is a wrong-un

just received a solicitor's letter in their inbox. Six months, sunning myself in the Seychelles next year on the libel payout. Cinched it. Other wrongly accused stars like Gary Lineker continue to work as normal. Welcome to Match of the Day. Weird the way the BBC makes us sit here in the studio

right through the off-season with nothing to do. Hey, Alan. Well, even with no football on, there's still plenty to talk about, Gary. Like all that nasty speculation on Twitter that you'd done something quite despicable. Yeah, 100 million percent, Alan.

Yeah, yeah, it's true, it's true. I have been bad. What can I say? It looked so enjoyable and other people are into it, so I thought, yeah, why not? So I tried it. Oh, no. This isn't what I thought, yeah, why not? So I tried it. Oh, no. This isn't what I think it is, is it? You didn't...

Yeah, I watched the cricket. The third test at Headingley. Loved it. Cricket? You 100 billion percent sick perv! And in other news, at the NATO summit, Defence Secretary Ben Wallace made a furious tirade, saying that the UK wasn't an Amazon delivery service for weapons. Which is a good point, as last time Zelensky wasn't home for our weapons delivery,

we left them with Ukraine's neighbour Belarus. Before his angry rant, Ben Wallace had been tipped to succeed Jens Stoltenberg as head of NATO, but he's now being tipped to succeed Yevgeny Prokoshin as head of the Wagner Mercenary Group. Meanwhile, Sir Keir Starmer has revealed that after a tough day, he likes to listen to Beethoven. The Labour leader joins me now. That's correct.

Da-da-da-da! At the end of the day, Michelle, I like to relax by listening to Beethoven's Emperor Piano Concerto. You know, it transports me to an ethereal plane of joy. And you don't think that's going to come across to ordinary voters as a bit elitist and out of touch? Oh, is it? Right. Well, like I said, Michelle, at the end of the day,

I like to relax by listening to the pumping disco sounds of ABBA's Dancing Queen. Da-dun, da-dun, da-dun! Really? And you don't think ABBA is just music for hideously smug suburban middle-class mums? Oh, is it? Ah, well, at the risk of repeating myself, like I say, Michelle,

at the end of the day, I like to relax by twerking to Nicki Minaj's truffle butter. Look at my pendulous buttocks gyrating, Michelle. Mush it up on my little butt, rude boy. Look at my pendulous buttocks gyrating, Michelle. Not in my face, Keir Starmer. Thank you. Jeremy Clarkson has become the latest presenter to complain that he's had his privacy violated. They've made a film about me without my permission,

full of inaccuracies, claiming that I invented a magic chocolate bar, that I opened a chocolate factory. No, no, Mr Clarkson, that film is called Wonka. This is the BBC News. I'm Sophie Raworth. All this week, allegations made against the BBC have forced the BBC to demonstrate how seriously the BBC takes holding the BBC to account. The BBC made a special report about the BBC by the BBC into the BBC complaints against the BBC from outside the BBC,

which were shown on the BBC's Newsnight. Welcome to this BBC special Newsnight report about how BBC investigation into a BBC inquiry into the BBC have provoked a statement from the BBC about how the BBC are handling the accusations against the BBC and how a BBC crisis has provoked the BBC into commissioning a raft of BBC programmes discussing the handling by the BBC of the BBC. For example, the BBC One Show special on the BBC. Hello, hello and welcome to this BBC One Show special about the BBC. We'll be shining a light on how the BBC has been addressing the BBC crisis

within the BBC for the BBC in association with the BBC. Let's take a look at some BBC examples. Hello again, I'm John Craven and today on Countryfile I'll be showing you how inserting your arm into a cow's anus is a great indicator of how seriously the BBC is taking the crisis in the BBC. Hello Tinky Winky. What are you up to? Hee hee hee! You're exploring the allegations against the BBC to show how important the BBC takes holding the BBC to account?

Ha! Very good, Tinky Winky. And what did the BBC have to say about all this? Uh-oh! Oh! Thank you, thank you, folks. And I just want to begin by saying it sure is great to be here, wherever this is. Vilnius, Mr. President.

He sure does, Tony. Yeah, okay, first question. Mr. President, you've angered President Zelensky by saying Ukraine is not ready to join NATO. That's right. That's because they're not ready. Ukraine cannot join NATO straight away. But a gradual process will take place that will result in Ukraine eventually joining Netflix. Mr. President, how can you justify sending cluster bombs to Ukraine? What's the problem with cluster bombs?

I loved them when I was a kid You know, when I was growing up in Sweet Beach We used to get five cluster bombs for two cents from the Nikkeland time store Back then, cluster bombs were called fruity poops They sure would stick to the roof of your mouth when you played stickball with your kid brother. In those days, cheese was called hooters. Televisions were wrapped in newspaper

to stop the little people getting out the back. And that is why we will be giving Ukraine all the Kellogg's cluster nuts they need. Okay, that's it, folks. God bless the Queen Vic. Coming soon, a new cinematic adventure from the DC Universe. I am Aquaman, King of Atlantis, and protector of the oceans and seas.

And this time, our underwater hero faces his most evil villain yet. I'm Therese Coffey, Environment Minister. The water. Dear God, what did you do to the water? What's wrong with me? A spot of dysentery, probably. That'll be the sewage. Please, Ms. Coffey, you have to help me.

I'm not going to make it. Oh, boo-hoo. In theatre soon, it's Aquaman number two. It's just a bit of poo. I'm Fiona Bruce, and we go now live to Downing Street for an emergency press conference. Good evening, I'm Professor Chris Whitty. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of my comforting,

yet almost totally formless head. Next slide, please. Oh, God, I've missed that. Where was I? Oh, yes, impending catastrophe. It is my solemn duty to inform you that a new and devastating outbreak is once again spreading across Britain. Boris Johnson has had yet another child. Numbers are rising exponentially

and we simply cannot tell how many there are now. And neither can Boris. Next slide, please. Symptoms to look out for in loved ones are looking like a haystack with a face painted on, making gibberish noises like, fa, fa, fa, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, fa. Next slide, please. As you can see here, if we don't stop now, we estimate that in just a few centuries' time, like Charlemagne, everyone in the country will be directly related to Boris Johnson. Therefore, we must enforce social distancing around Boris Johnson's groin. So from today, I can announce that we are locking down all blonde women.

Except those over 35. You're completely immune. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. You're watching Peston. Roly poly, ever so slowly.

Roly poly, ever so fast. Slowly, ever so slowly, slowly, poli, ever so fast. Tonight, with the Bank of England announcing that rocketing mortgage rates have risen even above those of the doomed Liz Truss Premiership, we discuss the economic forecast. Not so fast, pesters! Liz Truss... I know!

Come on, then, where's the bubbly? I like my fizz how I like my men. Pink and weak. Liz Truss, what is going on? I'm celebrating you great doofus. With this announcement, I'm officially no longer the worst thing to ever happen to our economy.

Yeah, the comeback's on. Me and my BFF, Crazy Quassy, are rushing back to save the economy. The people hold their hands up and say, sozzles-lizzles, we were wrongles!

And everything's trust-tastic again. This is truly the most pathetic appearance on this show since Nigel Farage came on to cry about not getting a bank account. Wait, so you're saying I'm only second most pathetic? I call that grounds for a celebration. Let's get blathered. Hi, Humza. It's Humza, leader of Bonnie Scotland. I've made you this relaxation tape just for you.

You, me, us. Just so that you, I, we, have a calm, positive voice to listen to. Hamza, you are a strong leader. You're a confident, handsome, politically savvy customer. And don't let any of the mean things people are saying in the media

or in the public, or in the opposition parties, or in your own party, or in your close-knit group of friends, or your own internal or in your close-knit group of friends or your own internal monologue tell you different. Scotland needs you. It may not be clear why right now

to them, you, anyone but it's probably true. Hopefully true. It might be true, mightn't it? A little bit. Maybe. Oh God, it's not true, is it? This is a total mess. How did we get here? What are we going to do, hun? Oh God. I just want to crawl up under a blankie and watch videos of little kitty cats get confused by those flowers that

you blow on until they snow. But that won't get us independence. Our only chance of that now is if we keep screwing up to such an extent that the rest of the UK stops wanting us anymore. But actually, who could do that better? That's it. Humza. That's your skill. You're such a puddle of nothingness that you might end up fumbling your way to accidental independence. Good night and see you tomorrow. I'll be the one smiling in the mirror.

Hello, I'm Evan Davies. Now I've grown a beard, I look like something you would buy in a Stonehenge gift shop. Welcome to Dragon's Den, where we invite entrepreneurs into a ruined warehouse just to show them what their business will look like in six months. First to enter the den today is Catherine, who's seeking investment in her utilities firm. I'm Catherine Ross, CEO of Thames Water. Dragons, I'm looking for roughly £2.5 billion. Right now, please. Tinker Solomon wants to know more about the deal.

Hi, Catherine, that's a lot of dosh. What kind of stake are we talking here? I don't know, 10%, 100%? Whatever you want, really, old chap. I'm pretty jolly desperate here. Do you have the cash or not? As always, the eagle-eyed Sarah Davies has looked into the paperwork and something isn't quite adding up.

So, Catherine, I speak my mind and I wear animal prints. I'm just reading your business model and from what I can tell, you sell water? Yes, exactly. Water that you get for free from the sky? Yes, that's right. Then you sell it to people for extortionate amounts supported by massive government subsidies.

Mm-hm. Spot on. Yep. And you are somehow £14 billion in debt. We've spent a lot on novelty pens. So will Catherine manage to tap the dragons with her watery proposal? Tuka Solomon has been thinking it over. Catherine, since becoming a dragon, I've invested in bean block yoko, timber kits and bad brownie. And I still don't have a clue what any of those are. But this is too mad even for me. Sorry, I'm out. Catherine, your company loses money selling a basic necessity. I'm out. A difficult day in the den

for Catherine, who's left with her plan B, giving herself a massive cash bonus, selling her shares and retiring to somewhere where the sea isn't full of shit. You've reached the phone of Bozza Johnson. I am not available at the moment,

but if you have an inquiry that doesn't involve child support, please leave a message after the foie. Listen, Boris, just a note to myself. I'm just ringing to remind you, you have to get rid of all the WhatsApp messages on the phone you have in your hand. No-one must know that you went to the Seychelles during lockdown or while you were supposedly dying of Covid, you were in bed eating cake and playing strip ludo. Hello Boris it's me again just a reminder when you get rid of all the whatsapp messages also erase the phone message I left you saying I was in the Seychelles and talking about strip ludo. Hell Boris I just sent you a text

reminding you to erase two phone messages and the whatss. Just to remind you, you have to get rid of that text as well. Three messages and the text message and the WhatsApps, OK? Have you done it yet? I bet you haven't. God, you are the most lazy, irresponsible man I've ever met. I'm going to tell them I've got it, that my new baby grabbed the phone and ate it. That didn't work. Oh, never mind. We should have done what we did in the first place. Shout witch hunt and send that silly old fruit Nadine Dorries

in front of the cameras to defend me. That's made things worse. She just threw a bottle of toffee vodka at Kay Burley's head. I'll just have to pretend I've forgotten my pin. Genius. What? In Cinema Soon, the magical origin story of Roald Dahl's Willy Wonka.

It's finally finished. My incredible chocolate factory. The lickable wallpaper. It's perfect. The everlasting gobstoppers. The chocolate river. Excuse me? Scram, diddly amptious

Who are you? I'm Greg Wallace Proof that you shouldn't pull a funny face when the wind changes And welcome to inside the factory You really shouldn't be drinking from the chocolate river It's alright, I've got an air net on Did nobody tell you the rule, mate? You can't open a factory without me charging in and pressing all the buttons

like an oversized toddler in hygiene gloves. You're not wearing hygiene gloves. I took them off to go for a piddling, you fizzy fountain. Please, stop touching things. I see you've already eaten the chewing gum that turns you into a blueberry. Nah, that's just me normal head. Mr Wallace, please, you're going to destroy my factory, my livelihood, a lifetime's work. You have to leave.

Oh, fair enough. Right, how do you get out of here? Oh, look, a glass elevator. You've got some shards of glass in your chocolate river, mate. Join me next week when I visit a Jaffa Cake factory and I'll stick two of them on me forehead and pretend to be a blue bottle. See ya. Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty

Wark. Hate to give the satisfaction asking how you're doing now. How's the castle built of people you pretend to care about? More on that story later. Now I'm joined by a man many people will have very little awareness of, but he's the leader of the Liberal Democrats. It's Ed Davey. Shh, Kirsty, Kirsty, don't say who I am.

But, well, I have to. You're Ed Davey, the Lib Dem leader. Well, I must say, that is a baseless allegation, and I wholly deny it. Wait, where actually are you? I'm camouflaged to look like the Newsnight sofa cushions. Well, I must say, that is a baseless allegation, and I wholly deny it. Wait, where actually are you? I'm camouflaged to look like the Newsnight sofa cushions, so I'm totally invisible.

Woo! Mr Davy, isn't the Lib Dems' whole problem the fact that you have very little public profile? Exactly, Kirsty, which was a bit of a downer, to be honest, until this last week when we realised that there's actually nothing more intriguing than someone who nobody knows the name of. We're in a really strong position going into the by-elections because we're the party of mystery.

Who are we? We'll never tell you. What are our policies? Wouldn't you like to know? Yes, I would like to know. There you go, Kirsty. You've proved my point. You're interested. I think we'll end this here. OK, lovely to be here.

All the best. Have you gone? I can't tell. It's worked. That's the first time a journalist has wanted to know where I am. journalist has wanted to know where I am. Everything all right, Linda? No, Eddie. I've been reading about the BBC listening figures.

They're losing the key 16 to 34 year old demographic. Oh. I suppose that means they're going to try making their shows more appealing to young'uns. Well, agreed, and doing something like that to the archers would be big yikes. Hikey big yikes.

So, girl, where's Robert at? Spill the tea? Well... Sis, don't leave me on read. I checked out his gram and saw he's been liking Peggy Woolley's first trap holiday snacks. Oh, you must be real salty right now. Well, you know what?

It's actually chill because I'm manifesting a hot girl summer. I've just bought a nasty gal bikini on Depop and I'm going to slay. Oh, Eddie, come quick. We've gone viral. You mean mad cow

disease is back? Oh, deadass. No, Eddie, it's that dance we did with the cows for the Grange Farm TikTok account. It blew up. We've had three million views. Stone the crows. Er, I mean, major feels.

No, Kat, we've been invited to Dubai for a protein shake influencer spawn con event. We're rich. POV that feeling when you're finally able to live your best life. Gucci. Gucci. I've come to the European Space Agency These images from the remotest areas

in the known universe show a galaxy being ferociously torn apart by the collision of two supermassive black holes This is the most inhospitable place imaginable. An abyss... Sod Rowanda!

Looks like Suella's found a new home for immigrants! Home Secretary, you do realise that you can't actually send people there? For one thing, the very bonds of their atomic structure will be ripped apart. Ugh, classic Wokorati project fear. The only way we can save people from taking dangerous and unnecessary journeys is by forcing them to take another dangerous and unnecessary journey. Please, this is completely impractical. No, it's safe, legal, moral

and being in the furthest reaches of space outside the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights. Eat that, Brussels. Thanks for the chat, nerd. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Edward Chu, Robert Dark, Joe Topping, Sophie Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Cody Darla and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.