Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 15th December

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

Topical comedy as everyone's favourite impressions show returns... with a festive twist.This episode features the Rwanda migrant crisis, Tory factionalism, Sir Kier Starmer’s latest policy and troubling times for The Wombles.This week's impressionists are Jon Culshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisbey.This episode was written by: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Edward Tew, Robert Darke, Peter Tellouche, , Sophie Dickson, Rachel E Thorn and Jo Topping.Sound Design for the series by Rich EvansProduced and created by Bill Dare.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to the repair shop. You don't cry about real things in your life, but watching an old man receive a repainted teapot makes you sob. What's wrong with you? Get a grip. Let's see how J Blades is getting on with today's first visitor.

OK, nice one. OK, so what you brought in for us here, then? It's this damn mobile phone. LAUGHTER I teach you what, I really want to get it fixed, It's this damn mobile phone. I really want to get it fixed so I can prove I have nothing bloody dodgy to hide. But it's hopeless. We'll never get those 5,000 messages back. Ah, well, you tried your best. Thanks. Bye.

Hang on, hang on. Hang on, hang on. Usually we only deal with antiques. Excellent point. Sorry for wasting your time. No, no, no. As it happens, I'm pretty good with gadgets. Give it here a sec. Honestly, I wouldn't bother. It definitely can't be repaired and that's that.

It's your lucky day, mate. There you go. All done. Fixed it. Fwa? Yep, yep. Got all the messages back. Really? Well, f Well, that's great. Glad to help. I can see you're getting a bit emotional. Well, I never expected to see it back to its former glory. Oh, no! Would you look at that!

Well, you've definitely knackered it now. Luckily, though, I managed to upload all the messages to the government server, so now anyone in Whitehall can see them. As you do, buddy, as you are. You're all right, mate. We like people crying on this show, but that's a bit much even for us, all right? You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And Martha Carney.

What a week it's been for regenerations. On Doctor Who, we had David Tennant regenerating into Shooty Gatwa. Whilst at Westminster, we had Rishi Sunak regenerating into Theresa May. And Theresa May joins us now. What kind of agony is Rishi experiencing now in number ten? Well, so much agony. You know when you yawn too widely and your jaw cracks? Yes.

Worse than that. How about when you stick a cotton bud in your ear and you poke it in too far? Even worse than that. Mark my words, Christmas will be horrible for Sunak. Inside number ten, dancing at the behest of the lunatic wing of his party, where with every grubby deal and concession he makes so he can cling onto the dying embers of his bill, his authority drains away,

leaving him a hollowed-out, powerless husk of nothing as the inevitable tolling of the bell of death grows deafening with each passing hour. God, I miss it all so much. The only chance I get for a sliver of that utter hopelessness is coming on Radio 4. It's thought for the day coming up. That's my favourite bit.

Yes, the festive season is here. It's now just ten Tory backbench rebellions till Christmas. In the run-up to the Rwanda vote, the various groupings on the Tory right dubbed themselves the Five Families. The Five Families being a term primarily associated with the Mafia and Boris Johnson's personal life. And joining us now is a leading member of the ERG. Salutations, Martha.

Mr Rees-Mogg, are you comfortable with this term, the five families? It does have mafia overtones. But of course I am. It was actually suggested by John Redwood's wife, as who knows more than her about waking up with a horse's head on the pillow next to you? But to have the Tories thought about in the same breath as the Corleone family, they were venal, corrupt, had zero respect for the law and...

Well, yes, I can see why you're happy, actually. While we have you here, Mr Eastmog, can I ask you about your hedge fund, Somerset Capital, closing down? Oh, it's utterly perplexing. These were rock-solid investments with excellent growth potential, yet somehow sinking all my capital into stovepipe hats, penny farthings and slavery turned out to be a calamitous mistake. It was revealed this week that Britain has so far spent

£290 million to send no asylum seekers to Rwanda. And I'm joined now by new Home Secretary James Cleverley, so much for nominative determinism. Home Secretary, are we being taken for fools? Not at all. We're working in partnership with the authorities in Kigali, and they tell me they're happy to expand capacity to take in as much

of our money as we want to send them. You're sending them even more money? Yes, I am. Because, and I really shouldn't tell you this, but the guy in Rwanda who set this up for us is really a Nigerian prince. Amazing. He said if we just put another 100 mil

in his private bank account, we would definitely get a great return on our investment as soon as he returns to his people and is crowned king of Wakanda. And now I have some breaking news, as we're hearing that for the first time under Zakir Starmer's leadership, Labour have announced a policy that does not seem to be pandering to the electorate. Zakir, what's going on?

Well, I just thought, come on, Keir, say something that's going to upset a few people just to show you've got the balls. Because that's what people want. So what is it? Well, I've announced that when we get into power, we're going to abolish Christmas. Why would you do that?

For the sheer bloody hell of it. I say, look at me. I can make a tough, unpopular decision because I don't care what people think. But, Sakhir, don't you think banning Christmas may affect Labour's election chances? Yeah, right. The child catcher could give David Attenborough a wedgie on the senator. He'd still beat the Tories at the next election. Boris Johnson has savaged a key section of Rishi Sunak's evidence to the Covid inquiry.

has savaged a key section of Rishi Sunak's evidence to the Covid inquiry. Sunak was talking so much tommyrot when he told the inquiry that in 2020 he saw more of me than he did his wife. As I know for a fact, I saw more of his wife than I did of him. I teach you foie if you catch my drift. In other political news, Therese Coffey cited exhaustion as the reason for her resignation as Environment Minister. Well, in the end, I was just swimming against the tide. And with the amount of poo in our rivers, that wasn't very wise.

It sounds awful. I was up to my neck in it. Which, to be honest, I quite like. But they wanted me to get rid of all that lovely filth on our beaches, and I couldn't do it. Because I love it. You never see me and Fungus the bogeyman in the same room, do you? Yes, it's all so obvious now you love it. You never see me and Fungus the bogeyman in the same room, do you? Yes, it's all so obvious now you say it. I was created by Raymond Briggs. I live in a swamp and I eat bogeys. That's my second favourite food. There was also a swift reaction to Thames Waters announcement that it was on the verge of bankruptcy, with the UK's smallest violin manufacturer announcing it was ramping up production.

Meanwhile, Wales was shocked as First Minister Mark Drakeford announced his resignation. This announcement has been particularly painful for me, as I don't like surprising people, but after five years, I finally needed a break from the non-stop, frantic, 20-mile-an-hour lifestyle. Monopoly maker Hasbro angered staff by cutting thousands of jobs just before Christmas. One employee told how being laid off meant he'd lost his house, three hotels and the deeds to Fenchurch Street Station.

hotels and the deeds to Fenton Street Station. Tesla has announced it's recalling over two million cars in the US over problems with its autopilot system. Elon Musk was unrepentant. This is nothing to worry about. It's just a minor glitch. The pedestrians that my cars ran over didn't die. They simply experienced rapid unscheduled disassembly. And on a happier note, TV chef Gordon Ramsay and his wife Tana have welcomed their sixth child, Jesse. My boy's just so adorable. Like any proud dad, I just can't wait to find out what his first swear word will be.

Has retirement left you feeling your life could use a bit more excitement? Leaving your career behind shouldn't mean leaving fun behind, too. So if you're looking for adventure, why not try the latest package from Saga Holidays, Becoming Foreign Secretary. Before I became Foreign Secretary with Saga, my life was terribly dull. I spent every day just pottering about in my shepherd's hut, writing my tedious memoirs and lobbying for dodgy finance companies.

But now I have a senior role in government and it's the most fun I've had since abandoning my senior role in government. Thanks, Saga Holidays. Being Foreign Secretary with Saga Holidays. Sign up today and get a peerage absolutely free. BBC Radio 4. Looking ahead now to a special festive treat, the Wombles are back with a brand new series for Radio 4

narrated by Richard E. Grant. We've certainly got our work cut out today, Wombles, said Uncle Bulgaria as he looked out across the common. Look what I found, said Tobermory, clutching a discarded bottle of Huel. Maybe we can recycle it into some sort of flute. Good idea, said Uncle Bulgaria. Isn't it wonderful to save the environment?

But just then, he heard a voice. He dreaded. You call that saving the environment? Are you flipping kidding me? It was Cousin Greta from Sweden. Ever since she'd joined them in the borough, she'd been constantly undermining their recycling efforts. You call yourselves environmentalists? Said Greta, ignoring the convention that womble characters speak through the narrator.

Literally all you do is spend the day picking up one piece of rubbish and deciding whether to turn it into a stupid little hat or a walking stick or... Greta, interrupted Tobermory. If this is going to be another rant about us joining Extinction Rebellion... You need to start taking radical action, guys. Storm Parliament, pour red dye into the River Thames, lie down on London Bridge. Sounds a bit drastic, sighed Tobermory.

How about we just turn this old vape stick I found into a tiny maple? If we don't take radical action now, pretty soon there'll be no common, and the only litter will be the desiccated corpses of your grandchildren who'll have suffered long

agonising, horrific deaths. The Wombles fell silent for some time. Orinoco shed a tear, and Madame Cholet was sick into a discarded crisp packet. Eventually, Uncle Bulgaria whispered solemnly, OK, Greta, tell us what we need to do. Chin up, Wombles, said Uncle Bulgaria later that day as he looked across

to the downcast faces of the other Wombles who'd now spent nearly five hours glued to an oil truck. Welcome to the struggle, Wombles, because this is what it takes to save the planet these days.

Tobermory sighed. In that case, he grumbled, the planet can do one. In that case, he grumbled, the planet can do one. People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister. For now. It's all getting too much.

Being labelled Dr Death at the COVID inquiry just because Eat Out to Help Outspread the Virus is outrageous. That scheme helped many small businesses. I have this testimony from Mr G. Reaper. He says his business of shepherding lost souls across the river Styx to the afterlife was never busier, yet more boats I didn't stop. Then I've got Suella Braverman saying my Rwanda bill doesn't go far enough. I even upped the amount a spouse has to earn to settle here to £38,000. That's a lot of money.

It takes my wife almost three hours to earn that. Yet still they moaned. I am sick and tired of being everyone's punch bag. Oh, hang on. I've never seen that box on the wall before. If you're sick and tired of being everyone's punchbag, break glass. Got to be worth a try. What's happening? What's happening? I'm vanishing. I'm just a fairy. Hi, everyone! The Trustmeister is back!

You can relax now, Britain. Thank God he's finally gone, right? Yeah, Rishi's nightmarish era of supposed integrity, professionalism and accountability is over. Wasn't it awful? Yucky McYuckster! Rest assured, the Truster era of shits and giggles, lettuce and 19% interest rates is back. Hashtag living my best life.

I'm turning the pound into Liz Note's cryptocurrency and scrapping tax and replacing it with Instagram stories. And there's time for me to pop to the palace, shake hands with Charles and hopefully not kill another monarch this time. Bet you're so stoked to have busy Lizzie in the house. Am I right? I know!

I know! Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley and this is Just One Thing where each episode we'll explore one simple thing you can start doing today to boost your well-being. Now, it can't have escaped your notice that Christmas is just around the corner and while Crimbo means jolly jumpers and scrummy mince pies,

it can also mean frazzled tempers, especially when families are cooped up together for a while. Indeed, studies show that family Christmas dinners can cause a major spike in stress hormones. Which brings me to this week's tip. Why not try drugging the gravy? It's so easy to do. All you need is the kitchen to yourself

and a tablespoon of ketamine. Time it right and your family will soon be zonked out face first in their Christmas puts. I had the best Christmas day ever last year when I drugged my family. With the rest of the Moseley clan all spun out on ket, I had a lovely stress-free day doing all the Christmassy things I wanted to do. Chomp through the best quality streets, go for a brisk country walk and run around

the house naked pretending I'm Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Join me next time when I'll be seeing if I can get some adrenaline flowing by mugging a carol singer. Cheerio! You're listening to Rylan. The only man whose teeth are white enough

to blind you through the radio. Right, I'm delighted to be joined via satellite by Adele. Hello, babes. You good? Oh, I'm good, babes. You? I'm good, babes. You? Yeah, I'm good, babes. You? I'm good, babes. You? Yeah, I'm good, babes. You? I'm good, babes. Oh, bless you.

Aw. Aw. Now, Adele, my love. Yeah. What's this I'm hearing about you suffering from something called SAD? Yeah, it's no laughing matter, really, which is good because my laugh sounds like two foxes rotting outside your window at 3am.

Ah! Ah! But I have seasonal affective disorder, so I get depressed in winter. Oh, no, my love. I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, nah, well, it's OK, because what does Adele do when she's depressed? She writes platinum-selling songs. Ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh.

I've got a new album of heartfelt ballads all about drizzle. Rolling in the deep sludge. I wish I could set fire to the blooming rain. Rumour has it that you've put your heating

on in June. You are brilliant, babes. Oh, bless you, babes Laters, all right? Laters, babe Oh, laters, babe Love you Love you too, darling Love you, bye

Love you, bye Have you been watching the COVID inquiry? Have you found it upsetting, infuriating and depressing? Who would blame you? But there's been one part of the inquiry you may have found quite enjoyable. Could we have 795633 on screen? In messages to your professional colleagues, you called cabinet ministers morons and useless pigs. Yes, it's lead counsel Hugo Keith KC reading out foul-mouthed WhatsApps in his sophisticated drawer.

Message 412-097. We got big problems coming. Cabinet office is terrifyingly shit. So download the best of Hugo Keith KC. Reading out obscene WhatsApps and savour the frisson you only get from a really posh person saying really rude things. You say of Mr Johnson, he's melting down. I've literally said same thing ten **** times and he still won't absorb it.

He's back to Jaws mode ****. And a bonus feature, you'll get more X-rated government WhatsApps being read out by another posh person, Penelope Wilton. being read out by another posh person, Penelope Wilton. Hancock is a proven liar, and we face going into autumn with the c*** still in charge of the NHS. You've reached Ridley Scott. Leave a message as I'm busy directing Napoleon II, Emperor of Mars. Ridley, old boy, I've just seen your military epic, Napoleon.

And as a lifelong history buff, I am still reeling from the shock. You have written roughshod over the facts. It's practically a work of fiction, man. Which is why I want you to direct my biopic, Bozza. It's the story of a brilliant but humble man who was a wise and compassionate leader, a faithful husband, and a doting father to his one and only child. Right, pipe down. I'm Yvette Cooper, and welcome to my new podcast, Yvette Cooper's Had Quite Enough of All This Crap. You may have noticed my recent Commons transition from polite new Labour field mouse to a fierce independent warrior goddess

who has precisely zero qualms telling the Tories where to stick it. And the reason for this is simple. I've got to that age women get to where we just say whatever the hell we want because why the hell not? After all, if Matt Hancock can be confident, then why the hell shouldn't I? You hear me, yeah? It's the new Yvette.

Bring a hip flask to a spin class. Tell my adult son his beard looks trampy. Send a message to the family WhatsApp saying you can all swivel if you think I'm cooking Christmas dinner again, FY bloody I. Right, before we go, it's time for our new feature, things Yvette's had quite enough of, thank you very much. Manspreading, mansplaining, Tories, Lib Dems, the SNP, Independent, sodding Greens, grow up would you? The Rwanda

Plan, the Weight Watchers Plan, Rishi Sunak, James Cleverley, Jeremy Corbyn, Jeremy Hunt, no scrap that, anybody called Jeremy, David Cameron, Oliver Dowden, Grant's sodding chaps, and when motorbike leathers only come in men's sizes. Okay, that's all from me.

Join me next week where our guest is Michael Gove. I'm kidding, of course. I'd rather hear the opinions of the lice in my son's excuse for a beard. Off you pop, then. You've watched the breathtaking Beckham documentary. Now, my career's brought me extreme highs and extreme lows. And the jaw-dropping Ronnie O'Sullivan feature. You know, snookers take the meat from dark places.

But now comes the astonishing biopic of the most captivating sporting icon of them all. I've had a few ups and downs with tennis. But mostly I'd say it's sort of been broadly okay It's Murray People just see me as this dull, monotonous guy But there's so much more to me than that I can be dreary and moody too

There'll be shock revelations from those who knew him best Sue Barker We were in the middle of a post-game debrief There'll be shock revelations from those who knew him best. Sue Barker. We were in the middle of a post-game debrief and he smiled. I said, God, Andy, are you OK? Turns out he was just suppressing a burp. Murray, coming to Netflix this Christmas. Murray the documentary may cause extreme drowsiness.

Viewer discretion is advised. Christmas is a special time, but for many it can be a hard one too. It's just difficult, you know. Some of my relatives have these outdated views and they say horrible, bigoted things and the rest of us just have to sit there and listen to them. All across Britain, people suffer from family members with shocking opinions. But it doesn't need to be that way. This Christmas, you can put an end to that suffering

by sending your horrible family members to us at GB News. at GB News. We'll give them a hot meal, new clothes, and their own TV show. Family members like Nigel. No, no, no, let me speak. My family sent me to GB News a couple of yuletides back

after I'd spent the whole of Christmas day asking the turkey to name its favourite episode of the Benny Hill show. I said if this meat was British as it claimed to be, it would have an answer. And like Esther McVeigh. The family sent me to GB News after I

kept complaining about how the woke brigade won't allow you to say Christmas anymore. Which is true by the woke brigade won't allow you to say Christmas anymore, which is true, by the way, I'm not allowed to even use the word Christmas. Not allowed to say Christmas at Christmas. It's disgraceful. Merry Christmas. We'll even take the real nightmare cases, like Neil. One evening, I was watching one of my episodes of Coast with my wife and it was all about the wash.

And I asked her, do you realise what actually caused that? And she said, coastal erosion presumably. And I said, no, it was Bill Gates. And that's when she turned to me and said, that's it Neil, I'm sending you to GB News. So, if you want a bit of tranquility this Christmas, let GB News help. While you enjoy the turkey, we'll take care of the gammons. I'm Danny Robbins, and this is Uncanny. The show where I put on a scary voice and pretend ghosts are real.

Things are about to get spooky. My guest believes he's being haunted by a monstrous old lady. So tell us your name and what's been happening. I'm Keir. been happening. I'm Keir. This woman, well, she's made my life hell. I mean, just this week, I was writing an article for The Telegraph, and it was like, all of a sudden, my hands felt like they were being sort of taken over, and began typing words like, you turn if you want to, and up yours, Delors, and sod the miners. Could this be a ghost possession or something else? Let's turn to our

resident parapsychologist, Evelyn Hollow. To me, it could be that Keir has been entering some sort of malevolent fugue state or it could be that he's just trying to blame his own beliefs on some dark force or it could be a ghost.

Bloody hell, Keir. What do you make of that? No, no, no. I mean, I mean, no, I don't think so. Well, I've done some research in my shed and I have found a historical figure who corresponds to the words you were saying. I'm sorry to tell you this, Keir. You may be possessed by the late Baroness Thatcher.

So, what do you think of that? Oh, and if it worked for Tony, it can work for me. For naturalists like myself, who have spent a lifetime exploring our planet, the discovery of a new dinosaur is a truly momentous event. An event made all the more thrilling because it was discovered right here in the UK. You don't want women commentating on the men's football

as they might start getting all weepy and having women's problems and having a baby during the penalty shootout. This is Jerry Bartonicus Idiotosaurus. With views dating from the Jurassic period, this lumbering prehistoric beast is about to come face to face with his most feared nemesis, Serena Vigmanicus. What are your views on inverted fullbacks?

Do they help create progressive overloads or do they make teams more vulnerable on wide transitions? Um, um, um, well, they, uh, well, they sort of, um, they... Oh, dear. Even the dodo lasted longer than him. Dare Bringers was performed by John Culshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jensen, Lawrence Hart, Ed Amston and Tom Coles,

Edward Chew, Robert Dark, Sir K. Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Rachel E. Thorne and Joe Topping. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Do you like octopuses? Do you like dinosaurs? Do you like astronauts? Do you like... I want to stop you there because this is

a trailer for The Infinite Monkey Cage. You should say that before you start doing all the enthusiastic stuff. Oh, yeah, you said cut down the enthusiasm. That's very much more of a kind of Radio 2 thing you said, didn't you? Yes, the enthusiastic stuff. Oh, yeah, you said cut down the enthusiasm. That's very much more of a kind of Radio 2 thing you said, didn't you? Yes, this is information. Oh, okay. The Infinite Monkey Cage with Brian Cox and Robin Inge returns. With octopuses,

with astronauts, with dinosaurs. I mean, not actually with. I mean, the astronauts are definitely in the studio. The octopus is less so. The dinosaurs the furthest away from being in the studio. In the Infinite Monkey Cage. Listen first on BBC Sounds. The octopus is less so. The dinosaur's the furthest away from being in the studio. Listen first on BBC Sounds. You're now nice again.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Tax is extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.