Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 15th July

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

Topical satire show, featuring characters drawn from the worlds of celebrity and politics.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Robin Ince. Sat next to me is Brian Cox and we are back with a new series of The Infinite Monkey Cage. What are we doing on this series? We're going to cover bats versus flies, the wood wide web, black holes, deep oceans, earth from space, how to teach maths and how brains communicate. Wide Web, Black Holes, Deep Oceans, Earth from Space, How to Teach Maths and How Brains Communicate. We've got Sarah Pascoe on, we've got Chris Hadford on, Nick Holstott, Hannah Fry, there's a lot going on. The new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage podcast, listen first on BBC

Sounds. You're listening to Today with Martha Carney... And Nick Robinson. After one of the most tumultuous weeks in British politics, which saw Boris Johnson ousted as Prime Minister, we began a new week with Boris Johnson as Prime Minister. Apparently, Johnson has been offered a million pounds for the account of his life at number 10, a book that's predicted to top the bestseller list for fiction. And unlike his cabinet, it's expected to have a spine.

In Parliament, Johnson said he'll be leaving with his head held high before adding, and my shorts down low. Has anybody seen my impression of an elephant? And so the battle to be the next leader of the Conservative Party and Prime Minister began. Suella Braveman was knocked out despite being endorsed by MPs Desmond Swain, Jason McCartney and Harry Smith, a regular who's that of British politics. Brexiteer Kemi Badnock, with her promises to slash government departments and benefit payments, won the backing of Freddy Krueger,

Vecna from Stranger Things and John Redwood. After throwing his hat in the ring, Tom Tugendhat became just Tom Tugend. He promised to take the fight to Keir Starmer as his military background had given him a particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for Labour leaders like you. If you retake Sedgefield in a by-election, I will look for you. I will find you and I will kill you.

Some chose to launch their campaigns in Tory-friendly papers, others on social media. Liz Truss chose to launch hers on Radio 4. My question for the Gardener's Question Time panel... LAUGHTER ..is where do I find a magic money tree which will thrive in a south-facing garden in Downing Street. It's a difficult one. I know!

Trust promised to turn Britain into an aspirational nation. She joins me now. Yes, Nick. For too long, we've not had enough aspiration. I want aspiration everywhere. And I'm glad to say, amazingly, only seconds after I announced my leadership bid, I saw aspiration was back. Everywhere I looked, I saw aspiration on people's faces, on their arms, dripping down their backs and glistening on builders' bottoms. Oh, hang on, I think I'm thinking of perspiration. Always get those two mixed up. Are you concerned that Kemi Badnock is stealing your thunder as the right-wing standard-bearer for angry people?

Yes, yes, to be honest, I am a bit worried, Nick. I would be lying if I didn't say that I wake up at three in the morning just covered in aspiration. Tory leadership hopefuls have been debating the definition of a woman, with Penny Mordaunt saying it's someone with female genitals, Grant Shapps saying it's anyone who identifies as a woman, and Boris Johnson saying it's anyone who doesn't mind a knee trembler when Carrie isn't looking.

Priti Patel withdrew herself from the leadership race and in a similar vein, I've withdrawn myself from the Rear of the Year competition. In the last few days came some extraordinary news which revealed that someone was moving up in the polls. Penny... Don't say her name, Martha, please. William Hague, where did you come from?

Just don't say her name. She's too scary for Tory muggles like me. If we don't speak her name, perhaps she'll go away or get her head stuck in a porthole or something. I'm sorry, Mr Hig, this is a news show and we have to cover all the candidates, so to continue, then came the extraordinary news which revealed someone was moving up in the polls,

Penny Voldemort. She joins me now. Lovely to be here, Nick. Are you embarrassed that your slick election launch video had to be re-edited as it featured Oscar Pistorius? I'll hold my hands up and admit we shot ourselves in the foot with that one. But we re-edited the video,

so it now goes straight to some footage of our brilliant NHS, featuring kindly GP Harold Shipman. And then to the bit celebrating my love of the arts, showing Kevin Spacey on stage at the Old Vic as Hamlet. Magical. Labour news now. The party is still heaving a sigh of relief after Sir Keir Starmer was cleared of Beergate.

The police decided it couldn't possibly have been a party if Keir Starmer was cleared of Beergate. The police decided it couldn't possibly have been a party if Keir Starmer was there. Sir Keir joins me now. I'm glad you asked me that. I haven't asked you anything. With a general election now likely to happen sooner rather than later, I'm taking the initiative like the thrusting, dynamic, risk-taking leader I am and appointing a brand-new campaign manager.

And who is this mysterious person? Boris Johnson. But surely... I know, I know, I know, but hear me out. If anyone knows how to completely destroy the Tories' credibility and keep them out of power for decades, it's got to be Boris. completely destroy the Tories' credibility and keep them out of power for decades, it's got to be Boris.

And in other news, a new NASA space telescope gave us images of parts of the galaxy never witnessed before. Professor Brian Cox joins us now. It's hard to put into words just how incredible these images are, Martha. Truly mind-blowing. We are seeing further and deeper into the universe than ever before.

Wondrous images of galaxies forming, stars going supernova, black holes spinning and swirling around. Any aliens? Aliens? No, no, no. But majestic scenes of nebulae... No, I'm bored now. Come back when you've got some aliens. As the heatwave continued, the Met Office urged people

to pop in and visit elderly neighbours, as they always had the telly on fizzy drinks and cake. The heatwave even reached Scotland. Nicola Sturgeon made this comment. Look, with temperatures soaring towards 16 degrees on Sunday... LAUGHTER ..people in Glasgow are talking about turning the heating off. This is unprecedented.

Wales now, and the speed limit is to be dropped to 20 miles per hour. First Minister Mark Drakeford joins us. No, no, not dropped, Nick. Increased. In all my times on Welsh roads since I passed my test in 1972, I've never gunned my Hillman Imp

on the mean streets of Cardiff faster than 12 miles per hour. The speed limit is 30, First Minister. Is it really? Goodness. Life at that speed must be something. Exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure, I guess. Mind you, I did end up on a slight incline in Carmarthenshire once in August 2013 when, completely involuntarily, my car accelerated to an eye-watering speed of 17 miles per hour.

Well, of course, I blacked out from the G-force. Or, as we call it in Wales, go-go-go-force. And when I came round, I was First Minister of Wales. BBC One. Next, it's Who Do You Think You Are? This week, our researchers have spent months trawling over the family history of politician Penny Mordaunt.

They've looked at her lineage in great detail, all to answer one question. Where did she come from? Penny, it's time to finally reveal your family tree. Oh, good-o, good-o. I'm jolly excited. Um, this is, well, it's just a dot with my name next to it. Yes, that's because we found that until a week ago, you didn't actually exist.

I'm not sure I understand. Well, we wondered how someone could go from being a complete unknown to being a possible PM in just a few days. So we looked into it and our suspicions were confirmed. That's extraordinary. It turns out that after years and years of catastrophic leaders, Tory HQ decided they'd make their next one in a lab. You were actually grown from one of Margaret Thatcher's fingernails. Yeah, that was embedded in the doorframe at number 10.

Oh, I see. Right, so that's why my hair is so perfect. Join us next week when we try to trace Michael Gove's family, but they all scuttle away and hide under the fridge. Welcome to Sky News with me, Kay Burley. All the dragons ever from Dragon's Den rolled into one. Sir Keir Starmer has tabled a motion of no confidence in the Prime Minister. He joins me now. What's the point of this?

You're not going to win this vote, are you? No, Kay, I'm not. You're just wasting everyone's time, aren't you? Yes, Kay, I am. So, what on earth are you doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm doing politics. Playing petty games for my own advantage. I did some politics

last week with my cynical new Brexit policy, remember? And I'm at it again. I've never done politics before. It sort of feels dirty, but I love it. Isn't this the sort of thing that turns people off politics? Um, Katrina and the waves.

Why did you just say Katrina and the waves? I'm doing politics, not answering the question I've been asked. And instead, answering a completely different question. In this case, and instead answering a completely different question. In this case, who was the last British winner of the Eurovision Song Contest? Do you seriously think... I've got a potato on my head.

No, you haven't. Of course I haven't got a potato on my head. What? I just told a blatant lie doing politics. Ooh, look at me, a little bit of politics, a little bit of politics. Oh, I do like to do a bit of politics. Now, I'm just being told the government has refused

your no-confidence motion in the Prime Minister and instead tables its own no-confidence motion in itself. What? No, but they've outmanoeuvred me. They can't get away with that. I mean, that's just doing politics. So when it comes to politics, Zakir, you can dish it out, but you can't get away with that. I mean, that's just doing politics. So when it comes to politics, Zakir, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Actually, I'm not much cup at dishing it out either.

Like zoinks. This place is, like, really spooky, isn't it, Scoob? The horrible wallpaper. Like zoinks. This place is like really spooky, isn't it, Scoob? Yeah, really spooky. The horrible wallpaper, the wine stains, the broken swing. It's like, like there's been a poltergeist here. Yeah, a poltergeist with no taste. You said it, Scoob. Like, where are we, Velma? This is the Downing Street flat, Shaggy.

We're trying to work out who's been frightening away everyone who's set foot inside. Advisors, cabinet ministers, they've all run away. Yikes! Like, what was that horrible noise? Yikes! Like, what was that horrible noise? Fwa! I think that's it, Shaggy. That's the monster! The creature who's been scaring everyone away.

Quick, pull the rope! Fwa! Fwa! I say! I, uh, fwa! I'm hanging in the air in a comical fashion. Anyone got a flag handy I can wave? Why, it's Mr. Johnson, the harmless caretaker prime minister. That's right. I've nothing to do with the strange goings-on around here that have frightened everyone away.

Nothing at all. Hmm. If there's one thing I know about caretakers, it's that they always pretend to be monsters. Who's pretending? I don't need a fancy werewolf costume to scare people. I can just drop my

trousers and make Gavin Williamson a lord. Zoinks! Like he's the most hideous monster ever We better get out of here Wait! Come back! You, the talking Alsatian, how would you like to be education secretary? Let me tell you a story about a young man who, armed with nothing more than a camera, a microphone,

and a professional film crew, dedicated his life to making high-quality promotional videos. That's where my story began, because high-quality promotional videos mean everything to me. But I also recognise that many people in this country are struggling desperately with the cost of living and rising fuel bills. And that's why my first act as Prime Minister

would be to make sure every single person in the UK has the means to make their own high-quality promotional video. I want them to have the polished visual effects, quality soundtracks and expensive lighting rigs they so desperately need. So with me as Prime Minister, people will look at Britain and say the economy's in the toilet and people are starving and freezing to death. But some of their content is awesome. It's the crime movie of the year. Michael Caine and Ray Winstone play two veteran crooks planning their biggest heist yet.

OK, here's what we do. There's only one guard on the door, so we go in there and distract him by dropping a jar of sun-packed peanut butter in the condiment aisle. And while he's cleaning up... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One guard? Peanut butter? What kind of two-packed peanut butter in the condiment aisle. And while he's cleaning up... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One card? Peanut butter?

What kind of two-bit bank is this? Who said anything about a bank? I'm talking about a Tesco Metro in Gateshead. Tesco Metro? You're having a giraffe. No, I'm bloody not. Cos in that building, next to the oat milk, Alpro yoghurt and and tropicana orange juice, are 15 blocks of Lurpac.

Wow, stone me. That's a cool five million just sitting there. From the people who brought you Get Carter, it's Get Butter. From the people who brought you Get Carter, it's Get Butter. Hey, well, but what are we going to do with the stuff once we've half-insed it? It'll melt into a gooey mess in seconds. I know someone in the trade who can fence all this butter, store it and swap the wrappers so nobody's going to know where the lure pack came from. And what do we call this geezer?

You call me Mr Lydon, you insolent warthog. No-one deals in filched butter in this town without going through me. Ha-ha. Bloody hell, and I thought I looked ancient. Get butter coming soon to a Sainsbury's near you. It's utterly butterly. You've reached Sir Graham Brady, Chairman of the 1922 Committee.

If you're calling to overthrow a Prime Minister, press 1. If you're calling to overthrow a Prime Minister again, press 2. If you're calling to overthrow a Prime Minister for a third or more times, then I've told you, Michael, please give my family a moment's peace. Sir Graham, it's Chris Whitty here. Just calling to say, don't let it go to your head, mate.

Sure, they love you now. Wheel you out for the no-confidence vote, again for the leadership race and the date of the announcement. You're probably feeling top of the announcement, you're probably feeling top of the world, aren't you? You're the glitter on Penelope Cruz's gracious cleavage. Believe me, mate, I've been there. But how

quickly they forget. One minute it's all, oh, Chris, can we see your PowerPoint, please? Can you show us that graph again, please, Chris? Then all of a sudden, you're the world's forgotten boy. Yes, just as soon as all this Tory party infighting and backbiting is over, you'll be... Oh, no, hang on. Come to think of it,

you'll be in the limelight for years, you lucky Larry. Welcome to Newsnight. I lead the boys and girls onto the beaches. Come one, come all, I'll tell you my secrets. I'm kind of like a prettier Jesus. More on that story later. First, I'm joined by one of the defeated candidates in the Tory leadership race, Nadim Zahawi.

I'm flipping flummoxed, Kirsty. One criticism you faced was over what became dubbed as your fairytale economic policies. Will you now be implementing those as Chancellor? That was all nonsense. I don't indulge in fairytale economics. Rumpelstiltskin is my name. Spindling gold, my wicked game.

Not you again. Go away. Sorry, who are you talking to? Rumpelstiltskin. Who? He's right there. Look, Rumpelstiltskin. Dear Nadeem, I advise Ed to make his gold from magic thread. Are you all right, Mr Zahawi? You can't see him?

Oh, no. Oh, flip. It's happening again, isn't it? We can always do this another time if you prefer to have... No, no, no, no. It's just the stress of it all. Sorry. He's not real, Kirsty.

Of course I know that. I am real. she is a liar Time to start a news night fire No, Rumpelstiltskin, leave me alone Oh God, and what's that over on the other side of the studio? Another grotesque figment of my imagination Some sort of evil, grinning, bug-eyed demon? No, actually that's just Michael Gove. I'm interviewing him next.

Hello. You're watching a campaign video by a Tory leadership candidate. Doesn't really matter which one, does it? But this is not one of the campaign videos that the public sees, all red arrows and holst. This is one of the campaign videos that the public sees, all red arrows and holst. This is one of the special videos sent out to you, the few dozen elderly Conservative members who will actually decide who will be Britain's next PM. So, elderly Tories who live in the rural South East,

these pledges are very specifically for you. Trevor and Worthing. This candidate will be cutting taxes on diesel, crown green bowls, velcro loafers, and any trousers that could only be described as slacks. Wendy and Horsham.

This candidate will get Maureen to apologise for what she said about your new blouse at the Fete. You did not look boxy. Michael and Farnham, this candidate will crack down on LGBT rights.

That young couple over the road may not be gay, but they are from London, which is basically the same. And a final message to all of you. Yes, we will be closing down the BBC, but don't worry. We'll keep the archers. Welcome back to our coverage of the women's Euros.

I'm Gabby Logan, the PE teacher you wish you'd had. And what a tournament it's been so far. Alongside me is Alex Scott. Evening, Alex. Salutations, Miss Logan. Jacob Rees-Mogg, what are you doing here? I was inspired to pay you a visit by a tweet sent recently by Lord Sugar. He suggested there ought to be a token male voice

in all coverage of women's football, and I thought I'd be just the chap for the job. But have you ever actually watched women's football? I confess I have not vouchsafed to observe any of your matches, lest I catch a glimpse of a lady's ankle. Do you even think women should play the game? Oh, association football is an excellent game for ladies. Play is conducted by a team of 11.

So while one lady has the ball, the other 10 may recover their vim by passing round a bottle of smelling salts. And the midway inter mission is an excellent chance for physicians to verify that the exertion has not caused the lady's uteruses to drop out. Right, right, I've heard enough. Just please, would you leave the studio?

Very well, Miss Logan. I shall amuse myself with a game of my own. Nanny, I'm coming to hunt that thimble. Hello there, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. And this is Just One Thing, the show where I suggest just one thing you can do each week to improve your health and well-being. Last week, I showed you how you can have more energy by hoovering up a large bag of cocaine. This week's topic, how to

cope with the heat, because apparently some people are too thick to drink water. But let's face it, it's pretty hot out there. You could try to open a window, and one friend will tell you that that just lets hot air in. Turn on a fan, and that same friend will claim that that just wafts hot air around. Put a wet flannel on your forehand, and your friend will say you look like a prick. So this week, I suggest taking any friend who offers you unsolicited heatwave advice

and punching them in the mouth. Join me next time, when I'll be seeing if I can lower my blood pressure by ingesting Sillet Bank. You've reached the voicemail of Alan Shearer. Ain't that right, Rior? Well, 110%, Alan. Leave a message. Shearer, it's Attenborough.

I've got one thing to say to you. You're getting 450,000 a year. Is the BBC out of its tiny mind? I'm getting paid less than some bald bloke whose job it is to say, oh, he really should have kicked it into the net from there. I've had enough.

So until I get what's rightly mine, the BBC can forget Blue Planet 3. I'm burning the footage. And don't get me started on Vanessa Feltz. You're listening to LBC with me, Nick Ferrari.

Ferrari by name, Rusty Vox or Belmont by nature. I'm joined by Michael Gove. You've backed Kemi Badenoch for leader. Something of an outsider, no? Well, I've always adored Kemi. Lovely Kemi, bless her heart. I mean, yes, I did initially call Dishy Rishy to say, I'm backing you, old bean. And yes, he replied, I'd rather be backed by the ghost of Dennis Nielsen.

But truly, it was Kemi all along for the Govemeister. So rumours you were going to back Liz Truss are untrue. Dear Liz, what a babe. Well, yes, admittedly, I did text her saying, can I back you, hun? And she replied, new phone, who dis? Then... Then blocked my number.

But that was a misunderstanding. Then Nadim Zahawi told me to swivel on it. Sajid Javid flicked me the Vs. Jeremy Hunt lobbed a coffee in my face. And even Raymond Chishti said I'd damage his brand, which felt a tad harsh, really. But no, no, I was always Team Kemi, ever since I found out who she was

on Tuesday. You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards. The people of Sri Lanka have driven their hated leader from office. We can now speak from the capital, Colombo, to our international misery specialist, Ola Gerin. Yes, Hugh, sick of the endless

corruption and staggering price hikes for fuel and food, the people had had enough and drove President Rajapaksa from office. A sudden, brutal, humiliating end to his time in charge. So how long does he stay on as caretaker president? Stay on? I think you must have misheard me, Hugh.

He's loathed and reviled by the people, so naturally he's been forced into exile. I see, I see. I'm just hearing that Boris Johnson is making a statement about the situation. Can this be true? President Rajapaksa promises to resign and then has to flee the country the next day? What a truly bizarre political system they have over there, Foy. So, Orla, what about the leader of the opposition? Is he ready to take over? Well, Hugh, people here have their doubts about him as while he's seen as being honest, he's also not charismatic or inspiring. That's not a very nice thing to say about me, Orla.

Keir Starmer, you're the opposition leader in Sri Lanka? That's right. I'm actually the ineffectual opposition leader to 17 corrupt and venal leaders... ..all around the world. No, I figure that, by the law of averages, one of those countries has got to elect me sooner or later. Hugh, I'm just hearing the country has forgiven President Rajapaksa's party,

allowed him to leave office with his head held high and agreed to let his cousin, Penny Rajapaksa, take over without the need for a general election. Oh, bugger. APPLAUSE Dare Drinkers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Neve Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Burke, Edward Chu, Robert Dark, Rachel E. Thorne, Sophie Dixon and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.