Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers – 16th December

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

The content of Matt Hancock’s Covid diaries, the reason why Sir Keir Starmer may soon be out of a job, and a behind-the-scenes look at the King's preparations for his Christmas message.Performed by Jon Culshaw, Lewis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisbey, Naomi McDonald and Anil Desai.Written by Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Sarah Campbell, Tom Coles and Ed Amsden, James Bugg, Cody Dahler, Toussaint Douglass, Robert Darke, Sophie Dickson, Katie Sayer, Peter Tellouche and Edward Tew.Produced and created by Bill Dare. Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Space. Vast and empty. And in case you hadn't noticed, I'm proper horny for it. And in case you hadn't noticed, I'm proper horny for it. Despite millennia of astronomical research, scientists are still faced with true mysteries each and every day. There is an object orbiting the Earth, circling many thousands of miles above.

There are many theories as to what this body might be, but finally we're able to put the mystery to bed. Yeah, you know, I tried to put it in the top left corner. But at the end of the day, you score some, you launch some into the orbital planes of outer space. You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And me, Martha Carney. And me, Boreas, the merciless god of the north winds,

bringer of winter, cruel merchant of ice and frost. Uh, right, yes. Sorry, Boreas, was it? Twas. We're in the middle of an energy crisis and you've plunged our houses to minus 15 degrees. We don't want you here, Ice Boy. But I am Boreas the Mighty. Nothing on this mortal earth is hot enough to defeat me. What about this air fryer?

Yes, I'll be off then, as you are. He's still warmer than John Humphreys used to be. Cold weather has swept the UK all week, causing widespread travel chaos. Meaning that you can't get the train because of the snow that you wouldn't have been able to get because of the strikes. As the big freeze descended, London saw the opening

of its latest ice rink. It's called the M25. Our new traffic expert joins us on the line now. Hi Nick, it's Lizzie Trussmeister here. Living my best life as a BBC traffic correspondent. So what's it like on the roads?

Well, I've seen lots of slow motion car crashes, some of them quite serious. But none can compare with the 44 days that I was Prime Minister. and compare with the 44 days that I was Prime Minister. That was a slow-motion car crash to end them all, am I right? Strikes now, and Britain is being hit by mass walkouts with the railways, postal services, NHS teachers and the civil service all downing tools. Even the England football team didn't go to work this week, did they, Nick? Too soon, Martha, too soon.

Even Met Office staff are planning to walk out, saying we can expect picket lines spreading up from the south to cover all regions by midday. We'll be slow to clear away and do watch out because there's a slight chance of some localised Thomas Schafferdecker. Nurses walked out for the first time in decades and there were shouts from the picket line of scab, scab, but it was hard to tell if it was an insult or a diagnosis.

Many ordinary people have been badly affected by the strikes. One such victim joins me now. Salutations, Miss Kyle. Mr Rees-Mogg, some people have claimed senior Tories don't care about the strikes as they're not personally affected. And that could not be more wrong. I have been affected in the most terrible way. My transportation schedule is in shreds because the man who waves the flag in front of my automobile has downed tools

and I'm in grave danger of crashing into suffragettes. Prince William and Princess Catherine release their official Christmas card, which shows them relaxing at home with the children, cancelling their Netflix subscription. Martin Lewis is on a charity single hoping to get to number one this Christmas. In response, Adele has given her money-saving tips for the festive season.

Yeah, well, my top festive money-saving tips, babes, is to get totally mullered on the 23rd. Dramboui, pernod, schnapps, mulled wine, eggnog, the lot. Then pass out, and by the time you come to Christmas, it'll all be over and you'll have saved a mint. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sport now, and the big story this week is, of course, England's defeat against France.

Harry Kane joins me now. Yeah, disappointing, obviously, but you know, it was an incredibly difficult game for us. Because Mbappe is the world's best player? No, because it was on ITV.

I mean, come on, do you blame me for bottling it, knowing that Roy Kane was scowling at me like some sort of dystopian Father Christmas? Oh, Harry, you made the whole country miserable. Well done. Harry Kane's penalty was such a terrible strike, even Mick Lynch wouldn't defend it.

And after the match, there was much speculation about Gareth Southgate's future. Of course, I still have a passion for managing a terrific bunch of lads destined to win a World Cup, but as much as I begged them, France won't let me. The new Avatar film, The Way of the Water, comes out this week. The film needs to become the fourth highest-grossing movie

of all time just to break even. At today's prices, if the Leicester Square Odeon sells 15 medium-sized popcorns on a Coke, that should do the trick. Monsieur et mesdames, your attentions, please. This is no ordinary journey. A crime has been committed, and everyone here is a suspect.

Coming to ITV1 this Christmas, a new adaptation of Agatha Christie's Poirot, like you've never seen him before. Can you please all sit in a circle so I can reveal the murderer? We can't sit in a bloody circle, can we? I can't find murderer. We can't sit in a bloody circle, can we? I can't find a seat at all. Can you all stand squashed together while I perch awkwardly in the aisle?

Yes, it's murder on the rail replacement bus service. All the glamour of murder on the Orient Express, but on a National Express coach roaming aimlessly around the M25. Murder on the rail replacement bus, probably coming soon to ITV, after you've waited two hours in the snow for it to turn up, but of course it never bloody does. Welcome back to coverage of the World Cup on the BBC as we look ahead to Sunday's final. Alan, who's your money on?

Well, I reckon we're definitely in with a chance, Gary. Who is? England, of course. Well, Alan, that's impossible. Gary, Gary, I know we're the underdogs, but I'll still say we've got some fight left in us. Isn't that right, Rior? Oh, 10 million percent, Alan.

Well, you as well. Guys, we're out. Remember, France beat us 2-1. Yeah, they beat us on goals, yeah. But goals are a small part of the game. No, they're the whole point of the game. Well, that's a very simplistic and reductivist attitude, Gary. Rior, Alan, we lost to France in the quarterfinal.

Harry Kane missed the penalty. And I still say we can come back from it. Rio, Alan, we lost to France in the quarter-final. Harry Kane missed the penalty. And I still say we can come back from it. Gary, it's a challenge, but you've got to dare to dream. Ah, 12 trillion percent. OK, fine, so England are still in, apparently. And who knew, but we're going to win it. Fine. Yeah, that's right. Unless it goes to penalties.

Then we're screwed. Ah, nine jillion percent. Thank you. then we're screwed. Wow. Nine jillion percent. People of Britain, it's Rishi here. The UK's first Prime Minister brought to you by Polly Pocket.

Every day, it seems more and more workers are going on strike. RMT boss Mick Lynch recently wrote me a letter asking for a meeting to discuss the Christmas Eve rail strike, which I look forward to receiving in April. We are in the middle of a

cost of living crisis. So I understand these workers wanting more money so they can have a better quality of life. But let me tell you, there's a much better way of achieving that than going on strike. And that is marrying a billionaire. It certainly worked for me. Frodo, you look sad. Stop staring out of the window and sit with me. Oh, Gandalf, I'm so cold.

Well, Frodo, as I have said before, only when the dwarves of Aramor can no longer cross the snow-laden hills of Gondwyr and the great river of Muldoon has iced over and the winds cast over the plains of Naldwyn freeze everything in their path. And only when the sea-wraiths of the Belegir Ocean become icicles on the waves, then, and only then,

will I let you turn the central heating on. In the meantime, Treacle, stick another layer on your cheeky sausage. As wizards aren't made of money! Welcome to The One Show with me, Alex Jones, a golden retriever who's stumbled upon some loose cocaine. With travel set to be disrupted throughout the festive season,

our first guest is RMT leader Mick Lynch. Mr Lynch, are you determined to ruin Christmas? Well, it ain't me ruining Christmas, you facile corporate stooge. It's the sick capitalist gargoyles at the top not willing to treat their workers with basic respect. Take this geezer I heard of today, right? He runs his own private business

and he's got his dispatch crew working right through Christmas Eve. And you know how he's paying them? Carrots. What, he's paying his staff in carrots? Yeah, not anymore, cos I've convinced them to strike. So I'd like to extend a warm, militant welcome to my new comrades, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.

What was that? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Santa, you've just smashed through the Beeb's best chimney. Mr Lynch, how dare you fill my reindeer's heads with this nonsense about collective industrial action. Can't we just have a merry Christmas? Merry Christmas? I'll show you a merry Christmas, you flying fascist fatty.

Now, now, don't make me put you on my naughty list. Oi, you two, enough of your arguing now. Mr Lynch, Christmas isn't about toppling a dilapidated free market system built on the suffering of an abandoned underclass. It's about getting quietly aroused watching Jude Law do Mr Napkinhead in the holidays. Get out! Go on, you two, Santa, out! Ho, ho, how am I supposed to get back to Lappers without my reindeer? Oh, I think you've got a tough journey, mate.

Spare a thought for me. Trains are a blooming nightmare this time of year. From the director of The King's Speech comes a new inspiring tale of a monarch overcoming adversity to make a speech. Oh, Camilla, it's the first Christmas without mummy. How can I give this year's Christmas message in her

stead? I don't have her bond with the people. Don't have her 70 years of history. Don't worry, Charles. I've booked you some outside help. This coach is one of the highest paid speakers on the public circuit, so he must be good.

Oh, here he is now. A-chi-to-pa-po-po-pa! A-chi-to-pa! A-chi-to-pa! Hello. I hear a certain somebody needs the big dog's help in delivering an absolute A1 public speaking bonanza.

Right, let's get rolling. And so the intense training somebody needs the big dog's help in delivering an absolute A1 public speaking bonanza foie. Right, let's get rolling. And so the intense training begins. People of Britain, it's been a trying year for us all. Oh, boring. Stop right there, old-timer. Where's the panache, the pizzazz, the chutzpah, the zip, the zing, the dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, The pizzazz, the chutzpah, the zip, the zing, the dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, fuh, fuh. You need some tricks of the trade, old man. Now, repeat after me. Fwah. Fwah.

Fwah. Fwah. Fwah, fwah, fwah. Fwah, fwah, fwah. Now, scruff up your hair and say it like you mean it. Fwah, fwah, fwah, fwah, fwah, fwah. Fwah. The new king battles with his demons. We've all

faced some difficulties this year. No, no, no. What did I tell you? Don't give them bad news. Yes, the public don't want the truth. They want big beautiful porkies shoved right into their Christmas ear holes.

Now, again. Can the king find his Christmas mojo in time for the Yuletide message? Uh, it's time. I hope he's ready. Ooh, he's ready. People of Britain. Foie! What a stonking cork of a year, eh?

Foie, foie, foie, foie, foie. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Foie! Only Dineside, and there was just one, ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding, wha! Only Dineside, and there was just one, was when those backstabbing little shits ousted the dear man old Mama described as the best Prime Minister this country's ever had. And the one she'd most like to take to Bonk Town if given the chance, because he's a sexy, sexy beast.

Wha! take to Bonk Town if given the chance because he's the sexiest sexy beast. Wow. This is Kirstie's Handmade Christmas with me, Kirstie Allstop. Two thirds cake stand, one third GB News. Today, I'm joined by Jill, who's trying to cope with the same issue that's affecting a lot of people this year, being poor. I'd actually say I'm quite well off.

You're poor. And with this Christmas set to be the most expensive ever, I'm going to show you how you can still have an authentic Christmas thanks to a bit of crafting. A turkey is the traditional centrepiece of Christmas Day, but with birds now costing an average of £50, poor people like Jill simply can't afford them. But with a piece of cardboard, a brown felt tip pen and some sticky back plastic, voila, you can craft one instead. Bon appétit, Jill. Oh, I'm not going to eat that. Eat it. But of course the most important thing at Christmas is family.

And Jill, you're expecting your family to arrive any minute, aren't you? That's right, Kirsty. Well, I've got exciting news for you. They're not coming. What? Why? Because I told them they were too poor to afford the train fares and should stay at home instead. But luckily I've got the perfect alternative. because I told them they were too poor to afford the train fares and should stay at home instead.

But luckily I've got the perfect alternative. Why not craft your family instead from some pine cones and glue? Totally lifelike, they won't outstay their welcome and they won't argue when you tell them what a smashing success Brexit's been. Merry Christmas. Hello? Kia, it's Angela. Oh, Angela. Look, I'm sorry, okay? What for?

I don't know. I just wanted to get it out of the way early. Stuff, you're sorry, Kia. I'm calling because I figured out how you can respond to the strikes and show everyone you're a stronger leader than Softie Sunak. Oh, brilliant. How? You go on strike too. You mean join them on the picket lines?

Well, I don't know, Angela. No, no, no. Go on strike as Labour leader. It's the perfect way to show the country you've got balls. All right. What the hay, I'll do it. God, I feel all rebellious. Like when I switched to granary from wholemeal. So, fancy joining me on strike, comrade? Oh, I'd love to.

But someone's got to stay behind to tell everyone what a strong, brave and principled thing you're doing, don't they? Oh, right, right. And it'll obviously fall to me to do that as acting Labour leader. Yeah, well, of course. Wait, what? Well, you need someone in charge who's got your back, don't you? Oh, yeah, right. God, I'm so lucky to have you looking out for me, Angela.

Oh, hang on, sorry, I got a text. I've just been asked to resign. Sorry, Keir. As Labour leader, I have to do what's best for the party. And your decision to abandon us at this crucial juncture shows a serious lack of judgement. Angela, wait, wait. See, Keir, this is what you get for being such a renegade.

I knew I should have stuck with wholemeal. Last year, you volunteered at a soup kitchen. The year before, you helped at a food bank. But this Christmas, there's an even more desperate group of people facing total oblivion who need your help. The Parliamentary Tory Party. This Christmas, look into your hearts and volunteer to become a Tory MP.

So many people have found becoming a Tory MP to be the most rewarding and financially lucrative thing they've ever done. With Tory MPs leaving Parliament in droves, the institution is on its knees. Becoming a Tory candidate is so easy. Almost anyone, and we really do mean anyone, can do it. That's true, and I should know. I'm Michael Fabricant.

There is absolutely no skill required. I know! No! I still can't get over the fact I was actually Prime Minister running the whole country. Lol! Without the Tory party, I would literally not be allowed to run my own bath.

Jokes! Once you're elected, you don't even have to do any work. It's one big jolly. I don't even know what a South Rice Lip is. Is it something you smoke or poke? So please, the Tories need your help. It doesn't matter if you've been involved in sexual misconduct, financial impropriety, cronyism, bullying, or just mind-boggling, gut-wrenching incompetence. You'll be welcome. So get down to your local office today. Bring your own love child.

Hello, I'm Simon Sharma, the Bruce Forsyth of BBC Four. And this is my history of now. This week, we take on the most seismic event of the now, the English Civil War between the true heir to the throne, Prince William of Alopecia, and the vile pretender, Prince Harold, the fresh prince of Bel-Air. Tensions had been simmering for some time,

with several skirmishes between loyal factions, but it was in 2020 when Meghan said something a bit sniffy about Catherine's hair that battle lines were drawn. Within weeks, Harold and his bride Meghan fled England, seeking refuge in the colonies. There they did regroup their forces under the tutelage of the powerful Oprah of Winfrey. Armed with rating success,

they launched one of the most devastating media onslaughts the kingdom had ever known. Nothing, it seemed, could stop the fresh prince seizing the crown as king of Snapchat. Wounded and hurt, William and Catherine retreated to Windsor, where they retaliated with a pincer movement across Instagram, deploying forces loyal to them, led by the wizened Baron Nicholas of Whitchell,

who besieged the airwaves with the most comprehensive display of advanced arse-lickery ever seen. Was all lost for the pretender fresh Prince Harold? No, for it was then Harold launched into England's green and pleasant land a highly explosive Netflix special scattering his brother's allies, prominent airhead Daniel Wootten and Earl of Too Many Sandwiches, Piers of Morgan. The most savage of royal battles for the TikTok throne had only just begun. Join me next week as I recount the terrible civil war

between Cavalier Lord Richard of Madeley and the angry roundhead Mick Lynch. APPLAUSE roundhead, Mick Lynch. Welcome to Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. I could have my Gucci on, I could wear my Louis Vuitton, but even with nothing on, bet I made you look. I made you look. More on that story later.

As Britain grinds to a halt under a tide of strikes, I'm joined by the Conservative Party chairman, Nadhim Zahawi. Good evening, Kirsty. No thanks to Putin. How on earth is this country going to cope without nurses, postal workers, ambulance drivers, Border Force staff? Well, many of these essential roles will be filled by members of the armed forces. Although, of course, that means we have to then find cover for the soldiers who are covering for all the striking workers. But I'm happy to say that's sorted.

So who's going to cover for the soldiers? Plumbers. You can't expect plumbers to do the jobs of members of the armed forces. Oh, no, it'll be fine. Probably, just for a bit. It does, though, create another issue. Who's going to fill in for all the plumbers? And the answer to that is... Anthropologists.

And who's going to cover for them? Spies. So you're going to ask spies to cover for anthropologists, who are covering for plumbers, who are covering for soldiers, who are covering for ambulance drivers. It's all part of my master plan. Teachers will be preachers and skaters will be waiters.

Pheasant pluckers will be covered by pheasant pluckers' sons, but they're only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come. And butchers will cover for bakers, who will cover for candlestick makers, who will cover for tinkers, who will cover for tailors, who will cover for soldiers, who can't cover for spies, of course, because they're already covering for the ambulance drivers. So who will cover for the spies? Oh Oh God, I hadn't thought of that. And what about cabinet ministers? No, no, no, we're all working in breweries. Speaking of which, do you know

anyone who could help me organise a drinks party? Can't seem to manage it. Hello, I'm Sarah Cox, and this is Between the Covers, the show that's a bit like cramming for your English-lit GCSE with a friend who's been sniffing Pritt sticks. Tonight, I'm joined by newly published diarist Matt Hancock. Hey, pleasure to be here, Sarah. I'm really fun. Now, your book covers your time as health secretary. Only lots of people have accused you of completely rewriting history and making yourself out to be a hero of the hour. Look, Sarah, I'm just here to tell my truth and

with that in mind, perhaps I can read you a little extract. Smashing. 24th of December. I can read you a little extract. Smashing. 24th of December. Ooh, Christmassy. We arrived around midnight, but apparently there was no room at the inn. Kel, surprise.

Hang on. I, of course, had suggested weeks ago that they book a room in advance, but Mary and Joseph hadn't listened to me, and so they only had themselves to blame. Have you written yourself into the nativity story? They were freaking out, but I managed to find them a stable crisis averted.

All thanks to me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Matt Hancock, are you trying to take credit for the birth of Christ? Of course not. I can't take all the credit. God probably helped a bit. That reminds me, fun fact, if it wasn't for me, Matt Hancock,

he wouldn't have been called Jesus. They wanted to call him Colin. No offence, Matt, but this is clearly a pile of old codswallop. But thanks for joining us anyway, you silly little lying sausage. Please let me read another bit. Oh, all right, you daft haper. Day four at sea and I could see the iceberg straight ahead. Would the captain listen to me, Matt Hancock, Woody?

That's enough. Hello there. My name is Steve Barkley and I'm the Secretary of State for Health, apparently. I'm here to warn you about one of the most hated and despised groups of people in the country. I'm talking, of course, about nurses. This government is locked in a bitter dispute with the nurses. But luckily, I know you, the public, are definitely on our side.

And why wouldn't you be? You're hard-working taxpayers. Not like these snobby metropolitan elite nurses who want to have enough money to shop in a supermarket instead of using a decent, honest food bank. And did you know that some nurses these days are actually men? That's not right. So I would like to echo the words of my colleague, Nadeem Sahawi,

and remind you that nurses are in league with Putin, COVID, Voldemort and Scar from The Lion King. Together, we will defeat these dangerous extremists by spending a fortune on agency workers. After all, where do you think I came from? I went into Office Angels and they said, your typing speed is rubbish. You'll have to be Secretary of State for Health.

And here I am. So I'm asking the entire country to send a powerful message to these nurses. This Thursday at 8pm, go out of your front door and boo as loudly as you can. Together, we will beat these scumbags. Thank you.

Dear Drinkers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby, Naomi MacDonald and Anil Desai. The writers were Ned Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Bug, Edward Chew, Cody Darla, Robert Darks, Sophie Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Toussaint production, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Hi, I'm Dr. Julia Shaw.

And I'm Sophie Hagen. Our podcast, Bad People, is back for a new season. Every week, we combine true crime and research from criminal psychology to investigate the deliciously dark question. Why do people do bad things? In this season, we dig into questions like, can video games ever cause violence? I mean, how are you meant to react to that?

Do doctors need dark humor? No, I never ever want to hear that again. And what rights does a dead body have? That is horrible. Bad people are spec. Listen on BBC Sounds.