Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, 16th July, 2021

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Includes a look back at events since Sunday’s historic Euros final and an unusual challenge for Ronan Keating.With Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jan Ravens, Debra Stephenson and Duncan WisbeyWritten by Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Edward Tew, Jane McCutcheon & Vivienne Riddoch, Sophie Dickson, Jeffrey Aidoo, Rajiv Karia & Tasha DhanrajProducer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Choose life. Choose to wear a mask. Choose not to wear a mask. Choose to keep a distance. Choose not to. Choose to lick the pin pad and waitrose if that floats your boat. Choose to kneel. Choose to boo. Choose to vaccinate. Choose to to. Choose to lick the pin pad and waitrose if that floats your boat. Foie.

Choose to kneel. Choose to boo. Choose to vaccinate. Choose to hesitate. Choose to stick your fingers in your ear and go la-la-la-la-la. Choose choice. Choose freedom. Choose freedom day.

Choose not to blame us when it all goes tits up. Foie. Dead Rer. Yay! This is Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. The headlines. London Mayor Sadiq Khan has confirmed that face masks are to remain compulsory on the underground. They make a difference to infection rates and they're also a real boon for the rats as they use them as hammocks. Carlos Ghosn, the ex-boss of Nissan, has revealed how he escaped from Japan inside a box, adding

that the harrowing experience also gave him an insight into how it feels to drive a Micra. The National Food Strategy report has been released. The government is so determined people don't ignore the findings, it's recruited a top TV chef to record the audiobook. Welcome to Nigella's National Food Strategy Report, page 97. Britain's consumption of high-fat, high-sugar processed convenience foods has led to a shocking increase in obesity, numbers growing bigger and bigger. And engorged with sugary snacks, meaning even the shortest walks involve huge amounts of grunting and sweating and heavy breathing and moaning and gasping and panting.

Oh, yes. And heart attacks. Millionaire Richard Branson went into near space in his own rocket this week. Mr Branson, how does it feel to be an astronaut? Well, good morning, Nick. It feels absolutely amazing to think that I started with a dream back then. Sorry to cut you off, Mr Branson, but I've just realised that no-one gives a toss. In a landmark new documentary series, Sir David Attenborough will reveal how scientists discovered the missing link between humans and Neanderthals. Scientists had grappled with this mystery for many, many years.

Then they just happened to be walking through Leicester Square last Sunday and chanced upon that England fan with a lit flare up his arse. And it all fell into place. Now let's take a look back at the five days since Sunday's historic Euros final. Before the match, the Queen sent the England team this message of support. Gareth Southgate, one wishes you and the squad the very best of luck.

That particularly goes for Queenie's favourite boy, Jack Grealish. Oh, Jackie, you to me are like India was to Queen Victoria. Hot, dangerous, and I want to subjugate you to my own will. Am I right, ladies? Oh, blimey, I bet those thighs could break the wing of a swan. The Euros final was played before a crowd of 60,000 people at Wembley, with police estimating that as many as seven had tickets. There were sickening scenes outside the ground as Yobs kicked and punched their way in,

but when they saw that the bars were charging over £9 for a pint, they kicked and punched their way out again. The police were criticised for standing back and doing nothing as Yobs ran rampant. Met Commissioner Cressida Dick defended her force. We did stand back but if we'd had the slightest sense these drunken yobbs were about to hold a silent vigil for a murdered woman we would have been in there cracking skulls in seconds. The match went into extra time followed by the heartbreak of penalties. Gabby Logan spoke to Harry Kane pitchside.

Harry, you must be gutted. Yeah, totally, Gabby. It's definitely not a dream come true. It's more like that dream I had where I'm naked in Halfords with my Year 3 teacher and Simon Cowell and the original Broadway cast of Hamilton, you know, all pointing and laughing at me. Immediately after Sacker, Rashford and Sancho missed their penalties,

vile abuse began online. England defender Tyrone Mings accused the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, of stoking up racism for the time she refused to support them taking the knee. Well, accusing me of supporting racists is shameful. Does Tyrone realise my parents came to this country from India with nothing and also left with nothing when I deported them? and also left with nothing when I deported them. How can he say my government doesn't support them?

A few days of footballers having a go at us and we're completely on our knees. But it was a great game for the neutrals. Sakhir Starmer joins me now. Yeah, that's right. We loved it. Oh, so you're one of the neutrals. Sir Keir Starmer joins me now. Yeah, that's right. We loved it. Oh, so you're one of the neutrals. You weren't backing England. Of course I was backing England, unless that means I'm siding with racists,

in which case, no, I was not. Unless siding with racists is something voters in the Red Wall seat support, in which case, yes, I was. And I was not too. Just come off the fence and say who you were supporting. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah, I've got it.

That tiny car. You know, the one who delivered the match ball. Yeah, everybody loves the tiny car. Brum, brum, it's a tiny car. Love it. The England team said they felt like they were representing the whole nation on Sunday. Nicola Sturgeon gave this reaction.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Nicola Sturgeon, thank you. Did I say I was finished, you numpty? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Now I'm finished. And we're just hearing that the England fan who became an internet sensation

by sticking a lit flare up his bottom in Leicester Square has come forward and is on the line. Felicitations, Martha. Twas I, Jacob. Mr Rees-Mogg, what made you act in such an extraordinary manner? There was nothing extraordinary about it. Sticking a flaming tube in one's fundament is a long and glorious old Etonian tradition, though not without its discomforts. Nanny, more Vaseline!

Welcome to this Downing Street briefing. With me is Professor Chris Whitty, who is here of his own free will, and not because we have his family under armed guard in a basement in Reislep. Now, when it comes to masks, I want the messaging here to be crystal clear. From the 19th, you will be under no legal requirement to wear one, but would I wear one in a plane? Would I wear one on a train? Would I wear one in a car? Would I wear one when saying huzzah? Would I wear one at a bar in Qatar? Would I wear one on Andrew Marr?

No, no, I wouldn't. You should know by now the rules aren't for us, they're for you. So, with that in mind, now over to you, Chris Whitty, for some slides. Always a good moment to go and make a cup of tea. Thank you, Prime Minister. The Delta variant is spreading at a terrifying rate. Next slide, please. Hospitalisations and deaths are just starting to rise

and we know they will double every two weeks. Oh, lighten up, man. They're turning over in droves to tipping point. Do the good news bit. Um, OK. Next slide, please. This is, uh... Yes, that's me in Corfu in 2015.

This is, er... Yes, that's me in Corfu in 2015. I, er... I bought those Bermuda shorts at the airport. Great. Now a question from the public. Er, Kerry from Sidcup. Are we all going to die? That's a great question. I'd like to answer it by imagining that you

asked me an entirely different question and answering that instead. Yes, I agree Gareth Southgate and Harry Kane should get knighthoods and also that Michael Gove was bang out of order, streaking onto the pitch on Sunday night.

Oh, what a great riff! That was Pick Up The Pieces by The Average White Band. The only story we're all talking about this week is the vile online posts which sickened the nation. Home Secretary Priti Patel joins me now. Well, I wholeheartedly condemn the abuse I've been seeing. It's horrific, it's disgusting, and how dare they aim it at me? Aim it at you? What about the abuse Marcus Rashford has got?

Well, who cares? You see, Jeremy, my point is they are footballers and they can't get involved in politics because doing politics is my job. I am a politic and I do politics. I'm an expert in doing a politic and they are not. OK, but didn't you do a whole interview denouncing counter-terrorism because you didn't know the meaning of the phrase counter-terrorism?

What? That's nonsense, Germany. I know what words mean and I completely refuse his counter-alligator. Right. OK, but isn't the truth of the matter, Home Secretary, that these boys are the best of England? They did us proud. And players like Sancho and Saka are shining role models, caring, decent and honest. Caring, decent and honest, you say, Jeremy? Cheaters. They go to the top of my deportation list then. OK, well, Home Secretary, thank you.

And to some music, here's Jump Start by Jethro Tull. You're watching the 10 O'Cclock news with me, Hugh Edwards, turned down by Love Island for being too buff-ting. Parliament has voted in favour of proposed cuts to foreign aid. I'm joined by Trade Secretary Liz Truss. Yes, Queen, it's actually me. I know! What even is my life right now?

So you support these cuts? Obvs. It's all part of my genius plan. I'm pretty sure I'll regret saying this, but go on. It's totes simples. The less money we give to countries decimated by war, poverty and famine, the more I get to send to Lichtenstein in exchange for watery potato soup and novelty snow globes. Taps head gif. I'm sorry. Taps head. The gif of the young man tapping his head going, I'm very clever.

Right. Imagine I'm him. But but tapping his head going, I'm very clever, right? Imagine I'm him, but tapping my head, not his. That would be totally Judge Judy eye roll gif. So have you confirmed with the Treasury that this aid money will go straight into your trade coffers? Well, Hugh, that's a detail I need to iron out. And have you established whether Lichtenstein has the extra manufacturing capacity? Well, Hugh, that's a detail I need to iron out. Or whether there's any actual demand for. That's a detail you need to iron out, isn't it? Ashton Kutcher light bulb moment gif much? Look, the really important thing is...

Oh, no, it's gone. Honestly, what am I like? I forget my own head of it didn't have a post-it note on it saying, This is your head, Liz. Well, thankfully, that's all we've got time for, Liz Truss, Captain Pickard facepalm gif. So, that's Euro 2020 all wrapped up, then. Alan Shearer, from an England perspective,

who was your man of the tournament? Oh, no contest, Gary. In terms of representing this nation to the wider world, it's got to be the young lad in Trafalgar Square with the flare up his arse. I mean, he saw an opening, tucked it in, and really lit up the crowd. I mean, you know, magnificent, top-class idiocy.

Something for the whole country to feel ashamed of. 109%! What say you, Rian? Well, I'd go for the fat bloke waving his micro-penis round outside the carphone warehouse. I mean, it was really, you know, running with it. It takes balls. You know, tiny weenie balls. You know, it's taken England's international humiliation

to another level. What I've noticed about the England Louts is they really grew into the tournament as it went along. They started slowly, but then they stepped up, and what we saw on Sunday night at Wembley, world-class thuggery. Wow, 333.3 recurring percent, Gary. Superb stuff.

So we'll be back with you for the World Cup 2022 in Qatar. Be interesting to see how England's Neanderthal fans will cope in a country where they'll be seen as bleeding-heart liberals. Good night. Welcome to Kirsty's Handmade Christmas with me, a cross between Nigella Lawson and Marine Le Pen. Now, I know it's only early July, but you have to start your festive preparations early if, like me, you live in a castle.

Today, I'm going to show you how to make some really lovely handmade decorations by recycling the things we no longer need. Joining me is Tim, who's building a fabulous festive crib out of used lateral flow tests. That's right, Kirsty. And look, I've made some baubles out of those tiny bottles of hand sanitiser that are always leaking all over your bag. What a charming idea, because the government says we certainly won't be needing those anymore.

And I was wondering if you have any ideas for what to do with these masks and face visors. Why not cover the visor with a colourful mask and stick a tea light under it to create a Christmas lantern? Stunning! Join me next time, when I'll be showing you how to turn all those lovely handmade Christmas decorations back into lovely handmade face masks again.

Because let's face it, come December, we'll need them. Toodaloo! Welcome to the National Theatre Online. The performance of Waiting for Godot is about to begin. He should be here. He didn't say for sure he'd come. And if he doesn't come, we'll come back tomorrow. And then the day after tomorrow.

Possibly. Hello. Do you mind if I join you? What? Who are you? Well, you know, being part of an allegorical theatrical masterpiece which uses both surrealism and deadpan slapstick to subvert archetypal forms and structure, well, for me, that's, you know, that's a dream come true. Piss off. We're waiting for Godot.

Oh, that's kid stuff, isn't it? I'm waiting for football to come home. Nutty hell, yes. That's an even bleaker symbol of the unending misery of existence. Welcome. Pull up a rock. Right. Either of you two know if Godot takes penalties.

Hello and welcome to The One Show. I'm Alex Jones, like a big happy daffodil bobbing in the Welsh breeze And I'm Ronan Keaton, how's it going? Now, Ronan, you've been presenting this show for me for a few months, haven't you? That's right, I certainly have, it's all good But you've never really had the ultimate test, have you? Um, how do you mean? I'm talking links, Ronan

Really clunking segues that make the head burst. Links that have their own chamber of hell. Oh, no, please don't make me go there. Come on, man up. Coming up, we've got two items that have absolutely nothing in common. One is an eight-year-old girl who's passed her A-levels. The other is a man whose wife tragically died after contracting gonorrhoea off him. Go on, stitch them together like a Frankenstein of magazine programmes.

You've got 30 seconds. OK, well, little Lucy was up to scratch in her A-levels and talking of feelings of itchiness... Not clunky enough. Again. OK, OK. From a congenital genius to genital herpes. Too good. Again. OK, okay. From a congenital genius to genital herpes. Too good.

Again. Okay, okay. From a clever dick to someone whose dick was far from clever. Almost. You can do it. Come on. No, no, no. It's just not there.

And you were so close. Now let's show you how the master does it. So close. Now let's show you how the master does it. Well, that was a truly impressive story of a girl who's a right clever clogs. And from someone who aced her SATs, here's someone who failed his STDs. My God. I mean, that's amazing. Amazing. You're a genius. I know I am. So, Ronan's got off on the right foot, and talking of feet, here's a chap who lost both of his in a rollercoaster accident.

Join Bet 24-7 today, and you can be part of the biggest gambling event this country has ever seen. That's right freedom day it's all about the in-play action it's about the infection rates the hospitalizations the new variants it's about whether you want to get onto that pack train even though there's a geezer on there coughing in your cake hole because it's his personal choice. So, what are you waiting for? Join Bet247 today for the gamble of a lifetime. Although, you'll be part of it whether you like it or not, to be fair. And remember, gamble

irresponsibly. It's the Tory way. Gareth Southgate, five days on from the biggest game of your career, losing on penalties. But I know you'll find positives. That's what you do. No, no, there's no positives. I mean, what a shambles. That defeat was all my fault, Gabby.

So many tactical blunders. Gareth, you're being way too hard on yourself. No, no, I deserve this self-flagellation. Everyone agrees I'm complete rubbish. Like, stop right there, Gabby. You're, like, making a huge mistake. A really big mistake. Apologies there, Gareth.

We seem to have been joined by Shaggy and Scooby from Scooby-Doo. Like Stanback Gabby, we need to see the real reason England lost. Let me just rip off Gareth Southgate's crude mask to reveal... Oh, my God. Roy Hodgson. It's Roy Hodgson. Oh, baggeration. Roy, what is going on? Where's the real Gareth Southgate? Tied up in my owl sanctuary, Gabby. Did you really think that the real Gareth Southgate

would let three players who'd barely kicked a ball in the tournament take the most important penalties in England football history. I was so sick of him showing me up by being great, I wanted my revenge. And I'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky 1970s animated cartoon characters. Victor's. Welcome to the Andrew Marr Show with me, Gollum, with a politics degree. I'm joined by the Vaccines Minister, Nadhim Zahawi. Good. Well, in many ways. Morning, Andrew. Good. Well, in many ways. Morning, Andrew.

So, at this stage of the epidemic, the government's strategy is basically vaccines or bust. I'm still confident I'm going to hit my target to have all adults double-jabbed by the end of September. Well, except restrictions are going to be lifted in England on Monday. No, don't think so. Pretty sure it's the end of September. That's the deadline for all adults to have been offered both jabs. But we're going to open up the country before that's happened. Why the bloody hell are we doing that? Don't ask me. You're the bloody vaccines minister.

All right. Well, no need to rub it in. So, oh, I've got to get everyone double-jabbed by Monday. Oh, God, this is a nightmare. Stay calm, Nadine. Stay calm, you can do this. It's only another 21 million doses or so. All right, come here! Mr. Zahawi, why are you trying to stab me with a pen? Because it's an AstraZeneca pen. They gave it to me when I visited the factory.

I think the ink may be made of vaccine. Mr Zaharwi, get a hold of yourself. I've already had both my jabs and Covid. Sorry, I'm just overwrought. I just want everyone to get their two jabs and then I can finally relax. Until you need to start thinking about the booster programme. The what? This is Tyrone Mings. Leave a message.

Hi, Tyrone. It's Keir here. I just wanted to say that what you said to Priti Patel was excellent. I mean, it's just... I don't know how you did it. You did this thing where you kind of, like, had this opinion that wasn't the same as hers and sort of like said it. Just like that. I mean, it's just amazing. I mean, how did you do it? Could you sort of teach me?

Please, Tyrone, you know? And then if you'd rather not, I completely understand that point of view and agree with it. LAUGHTER understand that point of view and agree with it. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. So sweet and wholesome, I make the Werther's Originals grandad look like Vin Diesel. And this is just one thing.

Last week, I showed you how to increase your sense of gratitude by sleeping with a supermodel. This week, I'm going to be demonstrating just one thing you can do right now to take care of your health following England's lifting of Covid restrictions on July the 19th.

Here we go. Pack a small bag like so... ..and move to New Zealand. Cheerio! OK, so your task was simple. All that you had to do was design and build a working spaceship so that I don't feel left out as the only rich bloke who ain't got one.

Now, I am never going to get it how you managed to balls up a basic instruction like make me a suborbital booster-powered shuttlecraft. It's not bleeding rocket science. It is actually rocket science. Oh, Karen tells me that it is rocket science. OK, well, it's a complete shambles. At this rate, Deborah Meaden's going to beat me to it

and I'm never going to hear the end of it. Right, I'm not going to fire anyone because I want all of you for the next task, ending global malaria before Bill Gates does it using only items you can find in Billingsgate Fish Market. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Neff Fountain and Tom Jamieson,

Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Buck, Simon Alcock, Edward Chew, The writers were... It was a BBC Studios production, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. What would you do if your house just disappeared? You need to calm down. People are staring. You're causing a scene. Too right I am. I can't find my own house. A new five-part mystery from BBC Radio 4.

Ah, Neville, it'd be better if you didn't ask questions about that. Nobody seen nothing. It was a whirlwind that took yours. It just clean sucked it up. One man's fight for answers. There must be a new Bermuda Triangle on Tory Island if houses can just disappear like that. The House That Vanished. Available now on BBC Sounds.