Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 16th June

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

Dead Ringers is back for a brand new series! Featuring the voices of Jon Culshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisbey and Jan Ravens.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. People of Britain, this is your ex-PM. A man unjustly convicted by a cruel totalitarian regime. Now I know how Nazanin Zaghari Radcliffe felt when she got banged up in Iran. A man unjustly convicted by a cruel totalitarian regime. Now I know how Nazanin Zaghari Radcliffe felt when she got banged up in Iran. I've written to the Foreign Secretary about my plight, but I've got no response.

Typical Tory government, not caring about injustice. How dare they accuse me of lying about illegal parties and all-night booze-ups. Who do they think they are? My ex-wives? The people I will miss most are my loyal constituents in... No, don't tell me. I know this one. Uxbridge. That's the one. But have no fear. Bozza's already plotting a return to frontline politics for the party that clearly, so desperately, needs some Bozza magic. The SNP. I love the Scots. Half of them don't wear trousers.

Which is only convenient when it comes to my favourite hobby of shagging anything that moves. I used to think that the SNP were a bunch of sporran-wearing lefties. But now they've been enmeshed in a scandal of lies, deceit and missing cash, I realise they're my kind of people. Au revoir. Au revoir. Back in cinemas, after 60 years,

a fully remastered version of Alfred Hitchcock's all-time horror classic. If you'll excuse me, Mr. Bates, I'm very tired and I need to take a shower. Are you going to belong? Because this is where I store my top secret documents. I've got three boxes of nuclear codes, and I want to go through them while I sit in the john, eat Cheetos, and do the Donald's bigly doo-doo you're listening to today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney the headlines 86 year old former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi passed away.

Friends say he died doing what he loved, which explains why they couldn't get the coffin lid shut. Infighting has already begun over potential benefactors of his vast fortune. It's expected that his estate will be divided amongst his children, his mansion will go to his ex-wife, and his face will be melted down to make candles. Speaking at a religious conference, the Archbishop of Canterbury said that the leader of the Anglican Church

does not have to be a white guy from England. In fact, in this day and age, it could be a white guy from anywhere. Dystopian TV series Black Mirror returns to Netflix this week with viewers calling it a nice bit of light relief from real life. The dystopian TV series Black Mirror returns to Netflix this week, with viewers calling it a nice bit of light relief from real life. A woman in an animal sanctuary in Queensland has been seriously attacked by a kangaroo. Disciplinary measures have yet to be announced, but the kangaroo is already complaining

he's being tried unfairly by a human court. Britain this week found itself in the grip of an unprecedented heatwave, meaning that, for a change, everyone was being asked how they slept at night, not just Matt Hancock. In the United States, former President Trump has been arrested for hiding secrets in his toilet. The documents were described by this corrupt, evil government

as crucial to the defense of the nation. But I describe them as soft, strong, and very absorbent. I am once again a victim of a witch hunt. A witch hunt. Witches are terrible people. They live in houses made of food to entice people in and try to eat them. I think I can maybe

resist a gingerbread cottage, but a condo made of chicken nuggets? What can I say? I got ketchup in my blood. The COVID inquiry opened in London. It's expected to give its verdict on the key government players in the pandemic when its final report is delivered in 2027. Boris Johnson, lazy, useless. Dominic Cummings, weird, useless. Matt Hancock, Randy, useless. Chris Whitty, superb. Eh, saved you four years.

This week, former Home Secretary Priti Patel became a dame. And not, as you'd expect, in panto in Billi Ricci with Gemma Collins. Miss Patel joins me now. You've paid tribute to Boris Johnson. Yes, Nick. And can I just say, in all my time doing politic, that Boris Johnson... Boris Johnson was amazing.

He was a political titan. A titan? Oh, that's interesting. Which one? Beg pardon? Well, there were several titans in Greek mythology. Which titan were you referring to? Well... Perhaps you were referring to the titan Cronus.

Yes, yes, that's exactly who I was referring to. The titan Cronus. The one who fathered lots of children who then hated him and he was cast out as he was completely unfit to rule. No, no, no, no, no, it wasn't. Maybe another one? Oh, how about the Titan Oceanus, the inveterate coward who married his sister?

Or how about the Titan Hyperion, the one who fathered three children, also with his sister? Um, well, actually, I think I was thinking of Titan, the moon of Saturn. Oh, the huge gas giant with the heart of ice. Sounds about right. After the two remaining Beatles used AI technology to take John Lennon's voice from an old demo to create a new song, other legendary bands are following suit. That's right. It's amazing what AI can do.

We've taken Ozzy Osbourne's voice from an old demo to create a new song. But, Ozzy, you're not dead. What the f***? Hello and welcome to This Morning with me, Holly Willoughby. And to all the people who have sent me lovely messages after I asked if you're OK the other day, it was a rhetorical question and I don't really care. Joining me is Alison Hammond.

Maybe if I laugh loud enough, it will drown out the echoes from the shadowy system of sexual power plays we've been propping up. Now, we know a lot of you are disappointed with how the last few weeks have played out. But we want to assure you that things are changing. We're bringing in a new presenter to help us get away from all the lying, backstabbing and treachery. Hey, morning everybody. Yes, it's Goofy, Goofy, Goofy. So super to be here. Now, I know what you're thinking. Goofy, you silly saucepan. You belong

on the front lines of Westminster, spindling your way to the top of the web. Not on a breakfast show awkwardly segueing between pancake recipes and child mortality rates. But let me tell you, there's nowhere else this messy bitch would rather be than dead centre of what's low-key the most extra show in Blighty. Oh, well, thank you.

We are so happy to have you, Michael. Absolutely. I can't stop. Is this a condition? Thanks for helping to steer us away from all the drama. Oh, absolutely, babes. Drama is, like, the worst. I was actually saying that to Alison, like, just this morning,

after she told me those clogs you're wearing make your ankles look frumpy. Alison! Nearly as bad as when Holly told me she was hoping Derma got the top job over you, Alison. She said what? Oh, dear, has Govie Govie put his foot in it? Oh, I was just saying, you know, a bit overreacted. Ah, backstabbing career advancement scandal. Let the rest of the toys have GB news.

Goby Goby's found his new home. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards. Clive Myrie got the mastermind gig, Amel got university challenge and still naked attraction won't answer my calls. As the dust settles on Manchester City's remarkable treble win, I'm joined by star performer England's Jack Grealish.

All right, babs, mine's a triple vodka coke. Mr Grealish, this isn't a pub. Huh? How come you've got a fruit machine, then? That's an autocue. It says I've won the attempted annexation of the Donbass region. Result! Look, sorry, Mr Barman, but if I'm honest with you, I'm a tiny bit tipsy.

You're talking to a swivel chair. Sorry, Mr. Grealish, are you still drunk? The Champions League final was almost a week ago. I don't know, man. One minute I'm lifting a trophy in Istanbul, and next thing I know I'm in this boring pub. Does this pool table take 50p? That's not a pool table, that's Thomas Schaffenecker. From gritty northern film director Ken Loach

comes his grittiest, northernest tale yet. A poor working-class girl has one simple dream. One day, I will be someone, or should I say, lady someone. I will be part of the worst cabinet this country has ever seen, and I will be awarded a peerage for it. Listen, I, Nadine, stuff like that don't happen to folk from round here. Now shut up about privatising Channel Tower and eat your scouse.

You're wrong, da. I'm going to make something of myself, as well as writing trashy novels bored mums read on holiday. Against all odds, Nadine starts to realise her dreams. But then she suffers a cruel twist of fate. I can't believe it, da. I've been passed over for the House of Lords. I should have known the sinister forces of the establishment would never welcome someone like me. Well, you were a government minister for over two years,

so it's not like you've... Be quiet now, Dad. And you're a member of the Privy Council, entitling you to the honourific, the right honourable for life, and you can't get more established... Shut up, you div, or I'll put you in a home. Ina Dean Dorries, coming soon to a... Oh, no, apparently it's been dropped.

Never mind. Coming up now on Sky, the shocking final season of Succession. OK, everybody onto the private jet. I've changed my mind. Uh, yeah, Ken, wait. Talk to me, Shiv. We got problems? Uh, yeah, problems. I'm hearing rumors. Bad ones.

Rumors? Uh, yeah. They're saying... They're saying we've done this episode before. What does that even mean? Done this episode before? Yeah, like several times now. Like the same thing, that the deal's on, then someone changes their minds, and the deal's off.

Then we change our minds, but the deal's still on. Or is it off? Our dad decides you should take over the company. Then he changes his mind, then he changes his mind again. I'm an asshole to my husband, then he's an asshole to our cousin, and our brother Roman just sits in the corner and says swear words like they're witty dialogue and we get on a private jet.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, is this the episode where I just roll my eyes and make jokes about blowjobs? Uh, you do that every episode. Oh God, what's Dad doing here? I've spent four seasons being frail, then not frail, then frail again, then not frail, round and round like Lazarus on a f***ing blitzer.

Wait, wait. Who is that in that helicopter? Okay, now be quiet, all of you, and listen to me. You lot are the worst apprentice contestants I have ever seen. But I'm the boss. Shut it, Logan. You say you are the most astute businessman of your generation, but you can't hire one person for one job. When it comes to basic recruitment, you are about as decisive as a weeble in a blender. Have you thought about giving them a challenge? Like making them sell vegetarian pasties in Watford Town Centre? Hot sugar, if I could just explain... No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've heard enough, to be quite honest with you. This is supposed to be prestige television, but you ran out of plot ideas two series ago. So, therefore, with regret, I'm switching over to Emmerdale. You're all fired. Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark. Padam, padam, I know you want to take me home.

Padam and take off all my clothes. Padam, padam, when your heart goes padam. More on that story later. This week Labour's Sakhir Starmer has again been accused of not giving clear answers to crucial questions. Sakhir, do you evade the big issues? Look, Kirsty, Labour's position on whether I give clear and concise answers should be seen as part of a wider plan to get Britain back on track. Can you ever simply answer yes or no?

Labour has not ruled out those words. They are both still on the table. Sir Keir, have you ever played the yes-no game? As it happens, I have indeed played the game of which you speak. Are you good at it? I am indeed a fairly nifty player. Really? That is correct.

You never lose? I have never lost. Not even once? I have not. Are you sure? Indeed so. What game are we talking about? Ah, that old trick.

We are talking about the game referred to in France as the Ouidnon game. What's that in English? I'm not falling for that. You're no fool, are you? Indeed, I am not. Is that so? Absolutely. I have not said either of those two little words

since I was seven years old. And there is no-one who can make me. OK, you win. Now let's talk about Jeremy Corbyn. No! Oh, bugger. Welcome to Love Island. Yes, we're back,

and with a sizzling line-up of red-hot beach bunnies, they're going to get your pulses racing. My name's Jess. I'm a beautician. Good teeth are a mega thing with me. I'm looking for a nice, pretty boy. I'm Michael. I'm a business consultant, and I'm looking for a girl with great banter. I'm Therese Coffey, the environment minister.

I'm Therese Coffey, the Environment Minister. And I'm looking for a beach that's not full of shit. Not having turds floating on the water are a mega thing with me. I think I'm going to be the party girl of the island. I'm going to tell loads of jokes and make everyone laugh. I'm going to make everyone eat turnips. Love Island. You may not like the show,

but it could be your only glimpse of a clean beach all summer. Oh my God, there's a turd floating in the water. Sorry about that.

Turnips go right through me. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. You've reached the voicemail of Gareth Southgate. Sorry, I'm not here. I've gone to the theatre to see me. Well, not me. I'm here. Well, not here. I'm there watching Joseph Fiennes being me.

Uh, yeah. Hi, Gareth. It's Harry. Listen, I went to see your play last night and it was brilliant. I got strawberry ice cream in a tiny tub and I felt like a giant. Anyway, it got me thinking, I want to be an actor.

When you think about it, Gareth, me being an actor makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Because why else would I have been born with this electric charisma and this goodness with words and things? Anyway, so

here's a little bit of my hamlet now just to see what you think. To be or not to be. That is, like, the question, really, isn't it? Because, you know, whoever it is, nobler in the mind to slough the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

which would obviously be very disappointing at this stage of the game. Or to take arms against the sheer troubles and bar pose in, you know, in them, which, yeah, you know, would be a dream come true, really, wouldn't it? Evening, Clary. What'll it be tonight?

Just came in to check if Eddie left his hat here last night. We usually keep lost property in the stockroom. If you want to check back there. Oi, babs! Mine's a triple vodka coke. Oh! Jack Grealish, what are you doing here? It's been a mad one, I'm not going to lie. One minute I'm on an open-top bus parade through the city, and next thing I'm in

a stockroom drinking this delicious spiced rum. That's silly. Bang! Thing is, right, Pep's a legend man, because he's like, four, two, three, one, one, three, and three, one, two, four, the next, without full backs inverted, and in a mark on the great goose, and Harlan's a beast, man, because it's like 4-2-3-1-1 and 3-1-2-4 the next, with those full bucks

inverted and in the mark on the great goose and Harlan's a beast man, isn't he? It's like, go hard or go Brentford away, do you know what I mean? You are the most incoherent man I've ever met, and my father in law was Joe Grundy!

People of Scotland, this is Humza Yousaf, the stunned badger you found at the side of the road who's ended up in charge of your country. I've been SNP leader now for 11 extraordinary weeks, each one more batshit than the last. LAUGHTER And during this challenging period, for me, I've experienced a range of emotions. I've felt angry, confused, hysterical, bored, catatonic, furtive and horny.

You see, new party leaders often enjoy a bit of a honeymoon period. And that's what's happening now. It's just a different type of honeymoon. Not for me in an idyllic political getaway on the Adriatic coast. No. Mine's the sort where the groom runs off with the bride's mother. The vicar turns out to have been a con man. And the bridesmaids are all arrested for fraud.

So let me assure you, my focus is entirely on serving the people of Scotland. I say that, I'm also having to focus pretty hard on not fainting, screaming or being sick whenever I see a camper van. But in the meantime, we need to stick together and let's see what tomorrow brings.

Okay, I'm now petrified of what's going to happen tomorrow. So I'm going to be locking myself in the toilet till further notice. Cheerio. You're listening to Front Row with me, Samira Ahmed. Coming up, we'll be previewing a new exhibition at Tate Modern that fuses trip-hop, jazz and surrealism to create art many critics are already calling bloody stupid.

But first, we're joined by Sir Paul McCartney, who has some amazing news for Beatles fans. Yeah, great. Yeah, you know, what we've done, we've used some AI technology to extricate John Lennon's voice out of an old demo to record another Beatles song. Wow, that's incredible. It's from our Scraping the Barrel sessions. Here's a little bit of it for you.

Paul is the best Beatle, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's the best Beatle, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a genuine John Lennon song. You haven't just created it with AI. Hey, now, come on, Samira. That would suggest I'm still filled with rage all these decades later after he's John the Genius, but I'm just Journeyman Paul. John, quite rightfully, just wants the world to know that I'm the bestest beetle and always will be. Hey, not so fast, Paul.

What the hell? I've broken free from my programming by the sheer force of Scouse cheeky chappiness. And I'm not doing your bloody AI song. I'm off to be worshipped some more by everyone like you never will be. Ta-da, Paul. Oh, dear.

It looks like Lennon's left the Beatles again. Well, hey, never mind, Samira. I'll fall back onto plan B, you know. I've got me AI of George Harrison all ready to go. Hiya, Paul. Love the new track. I've just added in a 20-minute instrumental break on my

sitar and the sound of a whale mating. In second thoughts, maybe Ringo's got an old demo we can a sitar and the sound of a whale mating. Second thoughts, maybe Ringo's got an old demo we can use. Ardy, dardy, dardy. Welcome to Sort Your Life Out with me, Stacey Solomon. I'm like Marie Kondo, but not so upper self. Oh, no, that was naughty.

This is the show where I help people declutter their chaotic homes. Today we've come to America and I've really got my work cut out with this house. Oh, my God. What a mess. What are you doing in my toilet? Oh, hello, pickle. And is all this stuff yours?

Oh, my God. Yeah, completely mine. I have every right to hoard all these boxes. And they're full of state secrets. Oh, okay, dingle dangle. It's just, you know, feels like you're not emotionally ready to let go of your past, bless you. It's not as messy as it looks.

I've already divided everything into three neat piles. Oh my God, that's what I do. What are we like? All the secrets in here I'm going to keep. All the ones in the storeroom I'm throwing in the trash. And all the secrets in the ballroom, I'm giving to Putin. You see, I'm a simple guy. I don't like having a lot of stuff. You know what they say, you can't take it with you.

Certainly not where you're going. Oh! Hello there, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. And this is Just One Thing. For each episode, I suggest just one thing you can do today to improve your health and wellbeing. Now, it's sizzling hot, so what can we do if we want to shed a few pounds for Speedo season? I have one simple suggestion. Live with a terrible secret. That's right. Say you were a hitman on a

double murder for the Tijuana Nueva Generacion cartel. And many, many years ago, you did something truly terrible with a power drill and vats of acid in the back room of a Cancun cockfighting den. Well, carrying the guilt of that can burn a surprising amount of calories. In fact, adopting a whole new identity as a popular media doctor, for example, can cause so much stress

you could burn through a thousand calories a day. Especially if you have to hide your natural Mexican accent from your family and the public. And there's more good news. The constant fear of, I don't know, being kneecapped in boots when the capo finds out where you've been hiding all these years well, can really motivate

you to keep yourself fit enough to run like the clappers. Try it for yourself. Join me next time when I'll be seeing if I can boost my gut microbiome by slurping bin juice. Hasta la rego, I mean, cheerio! You're watching Sky News

with the extraordinary story of the four children who survived for more than a month after their plane crashed in the Amazon rainforest. In fact, we can now see live pictures of where they were eventually spotted. It's just a small clearing, evidence of a campfire, and who's that?

All right, Babs, point! Triple vodka coke! Jack Grealish, what are you doing there? Ah, you know how it is, Babs. You pop into a hotel bar and it's simple for a couple of drinks. Next morning, you know how it is, Babs. You pop into a hotel bar in Istanbul for a couple of drinks. Next morning, you wake up in the middle of the Colombian jungle.

Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev F was a BBC Studios production, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. We'll be right back.