Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 17th June

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Since the last series there’s been Sue Gray’s report, tractorgate, a war in Europe, 1970s-style inflation, Liz Truss has become foreign secretary and Michael Gove still exists. Such calamities are the life blood of satirists. The supply chain of human folly is functioning better than ever. Performed by Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Debra Stephenson, and Duncan Wisbey. Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth and others. Produced and created by Bill Dare. Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound design: Rich Evans A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Dead ringers! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is Today with Martha Carney... ..and Nick Robinson. ..the headlines. The first scheduled flight taking asylum seekers from the UK to Rwanda on Tuesday was stopped by the courts. Stuck in limbo at the airport all day, not knowing if their flight would depart, only to see it cancelled at the last minute.

At least they got a taste of what it's like to be British. Amnesty got involved after hearing alarming stories of human rights abuses. There was a rumour that the in-flight film was Cats the movie. Many people have blamed the problem on people traffickers. And we actually have one of the leading traffickers on the line now. Well, I'd like to say good morning, Nick. Home Secretary, Church of England bishops say it's inhumane.

Even Prince Charles branded the flights appalling. I like a compliment as much as anyone else. But appalling is not nearly bad enough. Forget Rwanda, I've got a new destination, Mordor. Forget Rwanda. I've got a new destination. Mordor. They're going to love Mount Doom. The Orcs are my people.

Lord Gite now, and in his resignation letter, Gite complained of the Prime Minister putting him in a difficult and odious position. Exactly the position Boris liked being put in by Jennifer Arcuri. Apparently. And the Prime Minister has wasted no time in appointing a new ethics advisor who he thinks will last longer in the job. No, no, no, let me speak.

That's very kind. I'm the perfect choice to be ethics advisor. No-one's more ethical than Big Nige. Every time I hit a pedestrian in my Audi, I always let them have a puff of my Rothmans afterwards. Holiday news now, and the wreck of the Gloucester warship, which went down in 1682, carrying the then Duke of York,

has been found off the coast of Great Yarmouth. Though when it comes to being discovered in deep82, carrying the then Duke of York, has been found off the coast of Great Yarmouth. Though when it comes to being discovered in deep water, it still has nothing on the current Duke of York. Wasn't it such awfully sad news that Prince Andrew couldn't take part in the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations as he had Covid-19? Actually, it turns out he had Covid-17. But Andrew swears it looked 19. But thankfully, royal doctors say the deadly infectious disease

is expected to make a full recovery from him. The January 6th insurrection hearings in Washington continued, with Ivanka Trump testifying she accepted the election wasn't rigged. Shut up, it's the Donald talking now. Great job. A daughter of mine wanting to live in a world of facts and real news? Bigly sad. So I am announcing that from today,

I am dismissing Ivanka from the role as Daddy's favourite princess daughter. That position will now be jointly filled by Kim Kardashian's ass and Malibu Barbie. In Edinburgh, Nicola Sturgeon launched a bid for a second referendum vote by laying out the case for Scottish independence. Boris Johnson. Yes, that should do it.

APPLAUSE Coronavirus case numbers are rising for the first time in months. Professor Chris Whitty, should we be concerned? Well, yes, there has been an uptick, but that doesn't suggest a resurgence of the virus. Panic! Just ensure that you

continue with basic hygiene measures. I'm sorry, but did you just yell out panic in the middle of that answer? Hardly. Why would I? We're all going to die! Do that, Martha. You just did it again, yelling out, we're all going to die. Yes, all right, I admit it. God, I'd love some panic back, some excitement.

You know, they've put me back in my office in the basement. Used to be a bloody broom cupboard. Dread to think what Matt Hancock got up to in there. I was king of the world once. The 5pm press conferences live from Downing Street, hanging off my every word they were, hooked on my graphs and most of all, next slide, please!

Sport Now and England had a lacklustre Nations Cup campaign culminating in a 4-0 defeat to Hungary. Alex Scott spoke to Gareth Southgate. That was a bad night, Gareth. Are we really seeing an England team capable of international success? Well, you know, of course we are. Beating New Zealand at Trent Bridge was amazing.

After some health issues, the Rolling Stones Amsterdam gig had to be cancelled. Yeah, when I got ill, the rest of the live band had to take PCR tests, with Ronnie Wood testing negative for COVID, and Keith Richards testing positive for every known substance on earth and some unknown ones. Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark. I've been so down and under pressure,

I'm way too fine to feel this stress. I'm not the girl I was or used to be. Oh, bitch, I might be better. More on that story later. First, the government has published plans to change the Northern Ireland Protocol. The Prime Minister joins me now. Au revoir. Yes, Kirsty, finally we can get rid of this terrible protocol. This thing is the worst thing to happen to Northern Ireland since the invention of the balaclava.

Well, that's very interesting you say that, because joining me now from the other end of a space-time portal is Boris Johnson from 2019. Now, 2019, Boris Johnson, I believe you've just personally negotiated and signed the Northern Ireland Protocol. Avoir, I have Kirsty and it feels so damn good. What a brilliant agreement the Northern Ireland Protocol is. There's only one way to describe this amazing deal. No, don't say it. Oven ready. this amazing deal? No, don't say it. Oven ready. An oven ready deal which secures everything that the Brits wanted to achieve with the EU over the thorny issue of Northern Ireland. Oven ready.

And it's why, don't listen to him. He doesn't even know what oven ready means. The last thing he put in an oven was his trousers because he'd spilled white wine on the crotch. Come on, Boris, you should be tickety-boo sitting there in 2022. There you are, three years into what I imagine is the first decade of my prime ministership, loved by all and ready to enter the record books as the best leader Britain ever had. It's not quite like that. Oh no, we haven't done something disgusting and selfish and self-serving and lazy, have we? We might have done a few dozen things that brought shame on the country. Oh no. Oh well, can't be helped.

We'll just do what Bozza always does, do some sad puppy eyes and blame someone else. Perfect. I'll blame you. And I'll blame you. Au revoir! And I'll blame you. You're through to Nicola Sturgeon. Please leave a message after the drone. Nicola, it's First Minister Mark Drakeford here. Er, from Wales.

I just wanted to say to you, well, plead with you. Well, beg of you, don't go. If Scotland leaves the Union, the way things are looking with Northern Ireland, it'll just be Wales and England left. It'll be like when three colleagues go out for a drink, and then one of them leaves, and the other two don't want to admit that they aren't really friends with each other, and the chemistry just doesn't work with just two of them, you see. So they go through the motions of staying for a bit.

And it just gets more and more embarrassing until one of them can't stand it anymore and says, Well, it's getting late. When it's not late at all. And just leaves. Actually, I think that's not a bad plan. Bye. Actually, I think that's not a bad plan. Bye! Welcome to Sky News with me, Kay Burley, your dad's new girlfriend who's going to make sure you don't get a penny of his money.

Takiyah Starmer is under investigation over alleged late declarations of financial interests. He joins me now. Look, maybe I did break the rules. Or maybe I didn't, baby. Although, in point of fact, my office is confident the Standards Commissioner will clear me of any wrongdoing. Sweet cheeks.

Why are you speaking to me like that? Because this is who I am now, sugar... ears. It's no more Mr Rules. Instead, meet Mr Cool... Zzzz. A curry-eating, beer-swilling, expenses-declaration-late-hunting-in kind of a guy. This is all because everyone keeps saying you're boring, isn't it?

Sure is, jam... legs. So, I've got a new image. Sir Keir Starmer, bad boy. And I've got some serious bad boy policies too. Like, like, like, like cutting taxes on leather jackets, fam. And offering small business loans to anyone wanting to stick it to the man? So tell me, am I boring you now? Yes.

But boring into you with my dreamy but dangerous eyes, you mean? No. Bloody hell, Keir! Will you stop being such a namby-pamby soft southern punk? Angela, leave this to me. You need to give it some welly. You are not leaving this studio until you've made at least one outrageous vote-winning comment,

you big girl's blouse. Come on, Keir, show us your inner bastard. Right, right, OK. I like wearing sunglasses indoors. More welly than that. Yeah, yeah, we'll get on to this, right? Sometimes I borrow my friend's Royal Academy membership card so I can visit the exhibitions without paying.

More welly. Really, go for it. Come on, you're a bad boy. Say something bad yeah right yeah I'm gonna kill a dog Sir Keir I think we better leave it there I'd like to make it very clear

that I have no intention of actually killing a dog this is Maverick reporting for duty, sir. This summer, Tom Cruise stars in the movie sequel of the decade. Takeoff in three. Abort, abort. Ground all flights. Have Russian MiGs been sighted in the area? No, worse. Fuel prices have gone up again. This time, Maverick must overcome the worldwide soaring cost of fuel.

This is BS. How are we supposed to train to fly if we can't afford gas? In the old-fashioned way. I push you around on a shopping trolley, and you make the plane noises with your mouth. Please. Okay. Top Gun returns, packed full of high-octane excitement. Except without any octane. Top Gun 2022, the cost of living bites back. Why do they call you Iceman?

Because I'm freezing, I can't afford to put the heating on. This is LBC, I'm Nick Ferrari. The lower my voice, the higher my blood pressure. I'm joined by Cabinet Minister Sajid Javid. With Lord Guyte's resignation, the Rwanda debacle and a looming recession, isn't the government in a downward spiral? Well, speaking as the Minister for Drawing a Line under things... I'm sorry, you're the...

Yes, I was appointed this morning and I intend to get on with the job of drawing a line under a wide variety of things. Hmm. Isn't that the problem with this government? Instead of addressing the actual issues, you just come out with platitudes about drawing under things. That's a reasonable criticism, Nick, but now I really think it's time we drew a line under it.

See? It works. You've drawn an actual line? Absolutely. I'm here to draw a line under difficult questions. Rising gas prices? Drawn a line under it. Reneging on the withdrawal agreement? Drawn a line under it. Mr Javid, isn't all this just going to irritate the public even more?

Fair point, which is why I just had a text saying I'm no longer Sajid Javid, Minister't all this just going to irritate the public even more? Fair point, which is why I just had a text saying I'm no longer Sajid Javid, Minister for Drawing a Line Under Things. Apparently that was a disaster and I've been told to draw a line under it. So, I'm now the Minister for saying, well, at least we did well with the vaccine rollout. Your government is lurching now from one crisis to the next. Well, at least we did well with the vaccine rollout. But that was a year and a half ago now.

Which is why I'm now Minister for saying, yes, but Boris did get the big calls right. But that's not even true. What about the first lockdown or care homes? Frankly, look, this interview has been a complete and utter train crash from beginning to end. No, you're absolutely right, Nick. Do you think we could draw a line under it?

from beginning to end. No, you're absolutely right, Nick. Do you think we could draw a line under it? You're watching BBC Three. Coming up next, well, it's odds on that it'll be another drama from Sally Rooney. Hi. Hey. So you're...

Nick. OK. And you're... Frances. Okay. And you're... Francis. Right. And who are those two in the corner? Marianne. Connell.

But you're from Sally Rooney's other drama, Normal People. This is Normal People? No, this is Conversations With Friends. Sure, I'm pretty sure this is normal people, so it is. Um... Right. Okay. Um...

So, how do we work out what it is? Well, normal people has long silences. So do we. In conversations with friends, we have loads of cringeworthy moments. So do we, Daddy. I mean, Nick. We've got really minimalist dialogue. Hmm. Right, same.

We repeat the line the last person has just said So do we So do we So, how do we know which show we're in? Hold on, Marianne Normal people is wall-to-wall shagging, so it is And there's disappointingly little in ours Great, so then let's share it If we stare off into the middle distance,

this is conversations with friends. And if we all jump into the sack, this is normal people. Clothes off, then. Done. Yeah, right, come on. Welcome back to the Martin Lewis Money Show with me, Martin Lewis, the Joe Wicks of poverty. Before the break, I delivered an impassioned four-hour monologue about how the cost of living crisis is affecting millions of people like you,

during which I didn't blink once. I'm joined now by one who's been particularly affected, who, like so many, has been forced to make painful choices just to support his young family. Welcome to the show. Salutations, Martin. It's wonderful to be here. I am but a humble working man, toiling all day for my six young children.

And if things get any worse, we may no longer be able to afford nanny. You are having to choose between going to work or paying for childcare. Oh no, the nanny's for me, not the children. I understand, Jacob, you were also in for a shock when you saw your latest energy bills. Well, I simply couldn't believe how much it now costs to power a 42-bedroom haunted country manor lit entirely by oil lamps. It's truly frightening. And the concept of electricity is already frightening enough for me.

Coming up after the break, I talk to a struggling single mother from Windsor who is also feeling the pinch. One has a very large family, none of whom work. They are all completely dependent on me, all three of them. It says on my notes you have four children.

No, no, just three. I'm Brian Cox. No, not the guy in succession. Please stop sending me fan mail addressed to Logan Roy. The universe is beautiful but complex, just like my hair.

Today, I'm looking at one of the strangest and most complex phenomena in the entire cosmos. It's so elusive and mystifying that no two people seem to agree on what it actually is. I'm talking about the enigma that is the Northern Ireland Protocol. What's this I read in the Times, Carson? Our last movie flopped.

Well, not flopped, my lady, but box office receipts were in the lower end of expectations. I knew it was a mistake to make it a talkie. Mr Fellow's dialogue does tend to suit silent movies. No, my lady, I think our audience are quite used to the leaden dialogue, clumsy plotting and sketchy characterisation. I think

they were hoping for something just a bit more substantial than an Edwardian holiday on the buses. I have an announcement to make, everybody. I have decided to become a superhero. Oh, darling, how completely splendid boo-boo-bee-doo. But why, father? I have been told by Universal Pictures that the next film has to be

darker, and it also has been pointed out by them that I am a bored millionaire living in a huge house with nothing to do, so it seems the next logical step. I have enlisted the help of an expert in these matters. There's a Batman here to see you, sir. Show him in, Carson. Can I take your cape, sir? No. Oh my goodness. A gravelly voice and a black rubber codpiece.

Someone's been reading my bucket list I will be indebted to you, Mr. Man For any tips in my new venture as a superhero First thing is, you've got to be really miserable Oh, will this do? Lady Mary, you were born to this gig Oh, you need gadgets.

I have a set of asparagus tongs that can also be used for broccoli. Can it stop a supervillain? Yes, if they're made of broccoli. How does one pick which kind of superhero to be? That's easy. I became Batman because I got scared of bats. That's easy. I became Batman because I got scared of bats. I see. So one becomes a superhero in the guise of what one is frightened of the most. So, I will be the working class seizing the means of production man. Bravo, sir, bravo.

Mr. Batman and I will be taking tea in the tea cave. Hello and welcome to Love Island. The mental health crisis dressed in a bikini. This is the show where there's more flesh on view than a butcher's convention. And the fumes from the fake tan make the villa the most dangerous no-go zone after Chernobyl. Let's meet our islanders. Hi, my name's Gemma, 19. I just want to find love.

As long as it looks like a six-foot-eight model with a six-pack and veneers so white they'll scorch me retinas. as long as it looks like a six-foot-eight model with a six-pack and veneers so white they'll scorch me retinas. Hi, I'm Luca, 23, and I can only talk in meaningless phrases that don't make any sense, which is why I think Gemma is my absolute type on paper. So I'm going to crack on, pull her for a chat, get grafting, but right now I'm going to stare at my abs in the fridge door. Hi, I'm Sakeer.

Hi, I'm Sakeer. I'm 59, and I'm here to prove to the public that I've got good vibes and that I'm not an absolute melt with no banter. Take that, everyone who says I'm boring. With the islanders all settled in, it's time for their first sexy challenge. Let's play a game of Never Have I Ever. You go first, Keir. Oh, right, OK.

Well, being a bit of a bad boy who lives life on the edge, never have I ever produced a detailed policy programme or developed a cohesive strategy for winning the next general election. Oh mate, you must have done something naughtier than that. Well, there was this one time I was extra bad. OMG, I love a bad boy. I once declared my

interests in the Parliamentary Register a little bit late. That it? Oh, oh, and I had a single beer after a work bit late. That it? Oh, oh, and I had a single beer after a work event too. I know, lock me up. With the islanders gathered around the fire pit, the result of the public vote is in. Sir Keir has been dumped from the island.

I'm sad to leave the villa, but I've been true to myself and bored the extremely small pants off everyone. Hello and welcome to a new series of Ready, Steady, Cook with me, Ryland. Please remember, never ever look directly at my teeth. Let's meet today's contestants, Michelle and David.

Now, as always, we've given you both £5 to spend on ingredients in your local supermarket. So, Michelle, let's see what you've brought, darling. Well, Rylan, I've brought a potato. OK.

And what else? That's it. Just a potato. Right, yeah, because food prices have shot up lately, haven't they? OK, so, David, what have you brought with your fiver? Two onions. And they cost you a fiver? No, they were a fiver each, but it was buy one, get one free.

I've got to say, this whole cost of living business is really messing with our format. Well, I'm sure today's chefs will still be able to cook up something really... Oh, hang on. I'm being told in my ear we can't afford the gas for the studio cookers anymore, so you're going to have to eat them raw. Tuck in then. Lovely.

Delicious. You want to try some? No, I only consume food intravenously. That's why my teeth are so clean. Bye! Bye! Hello and welcome to Woman's Hour with Emma Barnett. And if you're in the mood for some light-hearted chat about sandals and cake, you're in the wrong place.

This week, the House of Commons has pledged to become menopause-friendly. I'm joined by the Commons' newly appointed menopause advisor. Salutations, Miss Barnett. Jacob Rees-Mogg, I'm rather surprised you got the role. On the contrary, I am quite the expert on the female menopause, in that I know as much about the subject as I'd ever care to. This is my dream job, and I've already made changes. So are you talking about air conditioning, flexible working hours?

Modesty bonnets. And what in God's name is a modesty bonnet? My dear woman, it's a bonnet handed out to menopausal women to keep them modest. The wearing of said bonnet will indicate that these women's wombs are currently roaming around their bodies. Hang on, hang on, hang on. And they're therefore likely to become hysterical. Thus, the gentlemen of the house will know to keep their distance. After all, we don't want them casting the evil eye upon us and rendering our wives barren. Right, right. I am going to have to stop you there.

You seem to have confused going through the menopause with turning into a witch. I most certainly have not. Indeed, I've arranged for ducking stools to be installed in the ladies' lavatories so we can differentiate between the two. Minister, not only do you not understand what the menopause is, you actually seem to be advocating

the persecution and torture of menopausal women. Oh, dear. You're sounding a little hysterical yourself. Perhaps you'd benefit from a consultation with our newly appointed House of Commons Mental Health Advisor? Yes, it's me, Goofy, Goofy, Goofy.

The most mentally stable man in Parliament, what I'd say to you, Emma, is calm down, calm down and let me envelop you in the comforting embrace of my complete and total sanity. Jiminy, handlebar, let him have it, clunk. Pleat and total sanity. Jiminy, handlebar, let him have Rebecca Bain, Cody Darla, Jade Gibby, Robert Dark, Rachel Thorne, Sophie Dixon and Cameron Loxdale.

It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.