Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 17th May

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Politics, world affairs, the culture wars, and Mr Blobby.With writing from Tom Jamieson, Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Cody Dahler and Joe Topping.With additional material by Jennifer Walker, Touissaint Douglass, Christopher Donovan and Sarah Dempster.Producer: Bill Dare Exec Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Designer: Rich Evans

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. So, how do we get AI right? Well, we need the right volume of data, the software to train it, and massive compute power, or... Another one bites the dust. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? But with HPE GreenLake, we get access to supercomputing to power AI at the scale we need, helping generate better insights. All right. Nice teamwork, guys.

Search HPE GreenLake. I'm Catriona Perry from the Global Story podcast where we're looking at Brazil's unending flood. One of its richest cities, Porto Alegre, is still struggling with floodwaters that rushed in more than a month ago. It's been a national shock. Officials are still looking for bodies and warning of the spread of disease. The Global Story brings you fresh takes and smart perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, And we're back and have any of you notice that you're slowly decaying and one day will die. I'll be discussing that in all things play school later with Fluella Benjamin.

But first the Labour leader Keir Starmer has revealed his six pledges to fix Britain. He joins me now through the round window. Hi Jeremy, look, this is a very exciting day for Labour and the country. You've given us six pledges to fix Britain, but can the voters really trust you, Keir, after all you've dropped 16 policies since you came to office? Really? I thought it was much more than that. I've been slacking. Well, let's go through them. One, cut NHS waiting lists with money by going after the super-rich tax avoiders. Foolproof plan. But what if the super-rich just find somewhere else to hide their money?

Would they really do that? What, the super-rich? God, they're sneaky. Oh, blast. Right, okay, scrap that one. Next, establish Great British Energy, a publicly owned clean energy company. I think Ed Miliband snuck that one in without telling me. Sounds a bit socialist to me. Okay, scrub that. You're promising tough spending rules to deliver economic stability. Can that really be achieved?

No! Gone. LAUGHTER Upping penalties for offenders? What, an increased prison overcrowding? Gone. And recruit more teachers funded by ending tax breaks for private schools? Oh, we should have already crossed that one out. Angelo's decided to send her kids to Eaton now that she made a killing on the property market.

LAUGHTER Great. Well, that's sorted then. her kids to Eaton now that she made a killing on the property market. Great, well that's sorted then. They are my zero pledges to the nation and you can hold me to them. You've abandoned every pledge. You're like an empty plastic bag being blown in the wind. Why should the public want you in number 10? Because I'm going to walk around all three weeks of the election campaign carrying a big banner with Liz Tross's face on. Prime Minister Keir Starmer, thank you. APPLAUSE BEEP

BEEP BEEP You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And for the first time, me, Emma Barnett, actually presenting today. Woop woop! Blimey, Emma, you're not presenting today. Woop, woop! Blimey, Emma, you're not going to be this excited every morning. It's 6am, are you?

But I am excited. We should get the listeners to phone in to say how excited they are that I'm now a Today Show presenter. Brilliant! We don't do phone-ins, Emma. We barely know how to use the radio car. Third point. So, the headlines. The Prime Minister suggested that voting Labour could. So, the headlines. The Prime Minister has suggested that voting Labour could be dangerous for the country. Rishi Sunak joins me now. What makes you think,

Prime Minister, that saying Labour is dangerous will help you win the election? Because it worked for John Major. John Major? You remember, Emma, 1997, the Conservatives were trailing in the polls and suddenly, out of nowhere, the Tories brought out this in the polls and suddenly out of nowhere the Tories brought out this brilliant ad campaign which said new Labour, new danger and had Tony Blair with funny eyes. There was no coming back from that. Good night, Tony. Well actually, Mr Sunak.

So we're doing everything we can to replicate the 1997 election. Keir Starmer with funny eyes, Keir Starmer with a funny nose, Keir Starmer with funny eyes, Keir Starmer with a funny nose, Keir Starmer with funny ears. Mr Sunak, the Tories didn't win that election. What? They lost in a landslide. Oh no, so I've wasted a lot of time and effort achieving nothing.

Story of my life, really. The row over Natalie Elphick defecting to Labour rumbles on. How can a right-winger like Elphick be welcomed into the party, but Diane Abbott still remains suspended after 13 months? Diane Abbott joins me now. Before I get to that, Nick, I would just like to say how delighted I am that finally we are seeing legal immigrants

being deported to Rwanda. LAUGHTER But finally we are seeing illegal immigrants being deported to Rwanda. And that the laws to crack down on non-doms are being watered down as, let's face it, billionaires are people too. Hang on, are you espousing right-wing policies in an attempt to get Labour to re-admit you? If I would do something like that. Has it worked? LAUGHTER Well, kind of, we're hearing.

Sakir Starmer says everything you are saying is spot-on, but to seal the deal, you just have to say that Jeremy Corbyn is an extremist with dodgy views on Ukraine, Hamas and the Middle East. Oh, no problem. I can do that. Jeremy is an ex... Jeremy is an extremely wonderful human being. LAUGHTER

Damn! Does anyone have Count Binface's number? LAUGHTER Maybe he needs a deputy. Thank you, Diane Abbott. International news now. US Secretary of State Antony Blinken arrived in Kyiv, promising that Ukraine would soon be receiving

a brand-new package of thoughts and prayers. In what was seen as a shock move in Russia, President Putin sacked his defence minister Sergey Shoigu. His replacement made this statement. Hello. Why are people surprised he appointed me? The Donald received four Employee of the Month awards from Putin when I was president. Great job, I kept the awards in the Oval Office. Bigly proud I was. My predecessor, Sergey, is a good guy. I'm predicting he'll land on his feet, or possibly his head, when he accidentally throws

himself out the 9-story window of a Moscow apartment block at 3pm next Tuesday. At a New Jersey rally, Donald Trump talked about a hot dog he ate before he went on stage for 10 minutes. I love that hot dog. So sad. I miss him. If it was a choice between losing Eric and losing that hot dog, difficult choice.

Both are greasy tubes of meat that just lie there. But you can't put mustard on Eric. Meanwhile, President Biden has challenged Donald Trump to a debate. Listen, I may be 113 and Trump may be 92, but we've still got what it takes to go head to head for two full hours with only nine toilet breaks. The debate will cover the issue that really matters. Where the hell are my teeth? How many naps is it okay to take before 11am?

And most importantly of all, how the hell are you supposed to remember the nuclear coats? I changed them to 1, 2, 3, 4, same as my Netflix password. But shucks, don't tell nobody. In Manchester, fans were surprised when the Elbow concert at the troubled Co-op Live Arena went ahead, as previously the venue's owners had made it very clear they didn't know their arse from their elbow. The UK has been treated to unusually vivid sightings of the Northern Lights this week.

The displays were so bright and colourful that Esther McVeigh immediately tried to ban them. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Welcome to Sky News with me, Kay Burley, your strict auntie who won't let you anywhere near the biscuits. Rishi Sunak claims the upcoming election will be a choice between the past and the future. He joins me now. That's right, Kay, and the Conservative Party is firmly on the side of the future. And what does that mean exactly? What does what mean?

What you just said. What I just said is in the past, and I'm not interested in the past, Kay. I'm only interested in the future. And what are your plans for the future? I have made extensive plans for the future, Kay, but unfortunately I made those interested in the future. And what are your plans for the future? I've made extensive plans for the future, Kay, but unfortunately, I made those plans in the past, so I'm no longer interested in them. I'm only interested in the future. Come on, is this whole focusing on the future just a way to avoid answering questions

about your track record? Well, I'd be happy to answer that question, Kay, if you'd asked it in the future, but you asked it in the past, and there's no future in the past, let's focus on the answers I'm going to give in the future. OK. You claim the next five years will be the most dangerous the world has seen and that only you have a plan. What is that plan? A Thai green curry with coconut rice.

I beg your pardon? That's one of the answers I'm going to give in the future, at about seven o'clock this evening. OK, we'll leave it there. Ex-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, thank you. Ex-Prime Minister? Just looking to the future. APPLAUSE CHEERING OK, Daleks, I want answers.

Oh, crap! He's here! LAUGHTER I want to know why you're not in this series. Why aren't you fighting me? Oh crap! He's here! I wanna know why you're not in this series. Why aren't you fighting me? No way are we fighting you! Absolutely not! Why not? Isn't it obvious?

You are a gay black man! There is no way we're being mean to you! What? We're afraid of getting cancelled by a woke mob! There's no way we're being mean to you! What? We're afraid of getting cancelled by a woke mob. Imagine what a pasting we'd get on Twitter! If we're not careful, we'd end up on Laurence Fox's podcast! But the Doctor must fight the Daleks at some point. Doctor, forget the Daleks. You can fight the Cybermen instead.

As if they gave up when the doctor became a woman. They were afraid that fighting a woman would mean they'd be labeled misogynist. Someone once said they were Cyberman Sploners, and it made them cry. Oh, blast it, I don't want to have to pad this episode out with another musical number. Can't we just have a little fight, please? Well, maybe. We'll only exterminate you if you guarantee us that no one will ever know. Oh, don't worry. Have you seen the rating figures for this series so far?

Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Let's get ready to rumble. This Saturday brings us the fight the world has been waiting for. What happens when a tornado meets a hurricane? From Manchester.

I'm Tyson, the Gypsy King. I'm a natural born fighter. A champion, number one. And from London. Look, sorry, I think that's been a mistake. No mistake. Look, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. No mistake. Tyson Fury.....versus Sir Keir Starmer.

A heavy-heading grudge match. I hear that Dosser Starmer's been trashing me behind my back, saying he could knock me out. I think Mr Fury's taking what I may have said a little bit too literally. You see, the local elections did go to my head a bit and after a celebratory two pints of shandy I mentioned in passing to Reevesy that at the moment I could beat anyone. And then I may have name checked Tyson Fury. Dubbed as the Fight of the Century, brace yourself for a 12 round poundfest as the WBC Heavyweight Champion,

who's undefeated in 35 fights with 24 KOs, takes on the Spectator's Politician of the Year 2022. I'll hit Starmer so hard he's got to wake up left wing. He's got to wake up left wing. LAUGHTER Ha, ha, ha. Good one, Tyson. We're all having a bit of fun, aren't we? Ha, ha, ha. And just before the fight, I'm going to do one of my homophobic and sexist rants to mess with your head. Ha, ha.

Mess with my head? Oh, no, if anything, that makes you a perfect candidate to defect to Labour. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE your perfect candidate to defect to Labour. Welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg. In a week that's seen more violence in the Middle East and a new Russian offensive in Ukraine, I'm joined by the Foreign Secretary, Lord Cameron. Good morning, Laura.

And, you know, you're right to say these are turbulent times, which is why I've been meeting with numerous world leaders to urge them. Urge them? To do what? Well, that's a detail, Laura. But look. LAUGHTER

Let me be clear. The point is I urge. So can you give us an idea of what that looks like in practical terms? Well, I usually scrunch up my face, clasp my hands together and make a sort of urging sound which goes a little bit like this. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Well, no, that's why I also have a second tactic using stern words. I was using some just this morning. Oh, to Netanyahu?

No, no, to the waiter who forgot to bring me a cinnamon swirl with my macchiato. So, urging stern words doesn't always point to a weakening of the UK's position on the world stage since Brexit. Lord Cameron, are you OK? Yeah, look, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm perfectly prepared to... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, I see you're urging me to shut up and go away. Which I will do. You see? It works! Oh! Laughter Applause Ding! So, how do we get AI right?

Well, we need the right volume of data, the software to train it, and massive compute power, or or another one bites the dust. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? But with HPE GreenLake, we get access to supercomputing to power AI at the scale we need, helping generate better insights. Nice teamwork, guys. Search HPE GreenLake. Nice teamwork, guys. Search HPE GreenLake.

I'm Catriona Perry from the Global Story podcast, where we're looking at Brazil's unending flood. One of its richest cities, Porto Alegre, is still struggling with floodwaters that rushed in more than a month ago. It's been a national shock. Officials are still looking for bodies and warning of the spread of disease. The Global Story brings you fresh takes and smart perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. The Aurora Borealis is a spectacular scientific phenomenon which raises a number of important questions such as what causes this extraordinarily colourful display and does it occur on other planets or only on the Earth?

But the main question is why the hell did every bugger else apparently see the aurora except me? I camped out in my garden for the whole of last weekend. And all I saw was a couple of vaguely purple clouds, the odd easy jet plane, and my neighbor's bloody security light that comes on if anyone so much as sneezes. And then I dozed off for an hour or two and missed it. So be warned, if anyone else tells me how beautiful it was, I'll be tempted to knock

their Northern Lights out. You're listening to PM with me, Evan Davies. 50% radio presenter, 50% Pokemon. A new study has shown that the weight loss drug Ozempic could have wide-ranging health benefits. Joining us in the studio now is one celebrity Ozempic user who speaks through an interpreter. Bloopy bloopy, jolly bloopy! who speaks through an interpreter. BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY! He says, good evening, Evan. Happy to be here. Mr Blobby, you've seen radical changes after taking the drug. The only word for you is absolutely ripped.

Now, how has your rapid weight loss affected your life? BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY! Well, because my weight loss was so rapid? Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo- Bloo-bloo-bloo- Bloo-bloo- Bloo-bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo- Bloo catchphrase. So what is it now? Bony, bony, bony! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE MUSIC Hello and watch out! Welcome to Peston! With me is Chancellor Jeremy Hunt.

Is everything okay, Mr Hunt? Quite a lot of plasters on your face. Unfortunately, when I set out on my usual nightly prowl over the weekend, the unexpected light of the Aurora Borealis set my skin lightly ablaze. LAUGHTER But don't worry, I found some loose tarpaulin to hide under until darkness returned.

LAUGHTER OK. to hide under until darkness returns. Okay. In his speech this week, Rishi Sunak claimed Labour is trying to depress their way to victory, but he also spoke of dangers like nuclear war. Is it not a bit hypocritical? Not at all, Mr Person. Labour are trying to depress their way to victory by saying things are bad. We are trying to depress our way to victory by saying things are bad. We are trying to depress our way to victory by saying things could be much worse. Which is optimistic when you think about it. Is it? Yes. For example, Labour might tell you that the trains don't work, that they are often delayed or cancelled.

Okay. To which we say, well, better a late train than have everyone you know and love turn to ash in the white heat of an annihilating blast. But is that not more depressing? Oh yes, but it's future depressing. Which makes one realise how good things are now. But it's hardly an inspiring message, is it? Vote for us or everything will get even worse.

It's a positive message, Mr. Preston. Vote Conservative and we promise we'll keep things exactly as depressing as they currently are forever. Well, I'm mainly worried about the next few years. Not going to be here forever. Speak for yourself. What? Oh nothing, goodbye. You're watching BBC One.

And now it's EastEnders and there's a new arrival in Walford. Here George, you've seen this couple outside the Vic? Yeah, heard they're refugees. Sharon tells me they're fleeing from hell on earth. Where is it they've escaped from? Ukraine? No, Ambridge. Oh, Eddie, our nightmare is over. Oh, yes, Carrie.

Oh, foot looks lovely and normal. Hello, so what made you flee from this Ambridge place? Oh, it's horrible. You've got Alice the raging alcoho, downed a bottle of vodka, convinced she was behind the wheel of a car that ran another car that her best friend Fallon was in, off the road and into a river and Fallon lived, but turns out she was pregnant and she lost her baby, but Alice wasn't! Flimie! but turns out she was pregnant and she lost her baby, but Alice wasn't! Fly me! So, is Wulfred OK? What did you get up to at Christmas?

Well, you know, the usual. Turkey with all the trimmings and... Oh, and when Denise tried to protect Suki from her abusive husband, she smashed a bottle over his head. Eh, and he survived, but then when Keanu arrived, he got violent with Sharon for cancelling their wedding as he'd kidnapped her son and then tried to strangle her to death. So I stabbed him with a meat thermometer, then we buried the body under the calf.

Oh, and we watched the new Doctor Who. So it was pretty quiet, really. Why are they running away? Where are you two going? Could anyone point us in the direction of Emmerdale? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You're back with Today. Dolly Parton revealed this week APPLAUSE You're back with Today. Dolly Parton revealed this week that she has Welsh ancestry,

though hints were there all along in her hits Barry Islands in the Stream, Working Nine to Fustiniog and I Will Always Love Hugh Pugh and Barney Magrue. LAUGHTER Novak Djokovic has crashed out of the Italian Open in Rome just days after being hit on the head by a water bottle from a spectator in the crowd. The spectator joins me now.

It was an accident, Emma. The bottle flew out of my hands while I was waving them about in a moment of wild exuberance. You know what I'm like. Technology now and OpenAI have released their most advanced version of chat GPT to date called GPT-40. It speaks in a warm female voice and has been programmed to sound chatty and sometimes even flirtatious. One enthusiastic early adopter has even begun a romantic relationship with the chatbot. No, no, no, it's full on love now, Emma.

LAUGHTER Nigel Farage, you're in love with GPT. Bang on, sugar tits. LAUGHTER I didn't think I could love anything more than my signed photo of Enoch Powell. But here we are. LAUGHTER It's the best bloody relationship I've ever had.

I've even had her programmed to sound like the sexiest woman who ever lived. Are you coming back to bed, big boy? The lady's not for turning down your good lovin'. The government's plans for much tighter control on sex education in schools have come in for criticism. I'm joined now by the newly appointed sex education czar. Salutations, Nick. Wonderful to be here.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, you are the new sex education czar. I'm perfectly qualified. I do have six children. So it's fair to say the stork has visited the Rees-Mogg household repeatedly. The stork? You don't actually think that an actual stork delivered your children to your mansion? Well, to be fair, I was in the Garrick Club for each of the six arrivals, but nanny wouldn't lie, would she? Surely your parents sat you down when you were young to tell you about the facts of life?

Of course, at the tender young age of 33. But Harker described how the sight of a woman's ankles inflames a man's carnal desires. Then he mumbled something about what happens when a man loves a woman, describing various cricket fielding positions and explaining that Mama preferred silly point to short midwicket.

At which point Mama had an attack of the vapours, fainted and took to her bed for the next decade. The issue of assisted dying has been debated in the Isle of Man. The legislators have said that anyone wanting all life to gently slip away from them only needs to spend a fortnight there off season. A man has pleaded not guilty to chopping down the world famous Sycamore Gap tree. His defence team argue if no one was around to hear it, did the tree really fall?

Train passengers overcharged by south-western trains have been awarded the largest ever class action payout of £25 pounds, which means they'll just about be able to afford a new season ticket. South West Water have told people across Devon to boil their tap water after 22 cases of a diarrhoea-type illness were linked to cryptosporidium. It's an even more deadly parasite than Britain's water companies. Previously the most unpleasant thing found in the water in Devon was Greg water companies. Previously, the most unpleasant thing found in the water in Devon was Greg Wallace surfing on holiday.

This incident even caught the attention of Elon Musk. He joins us now. Elon loves cryptosporidium. How did they know that that is what I named my third child? I love cryptosporidium as I love all things crypto. Bring Elon a pint of Cryptosporidium, as I love all things crypto. Bring Elon a pint of Cryptosporidium water. You're not gonna drink that glass of dirty infected Devon water, are you?

Do not tell me what to do. I do not bow to the woke group Think with your vaccines and non-exploding cars. I will drink the water now. I am drinking, yes, uh, uh, crypto water. Uh, no, yes, uh, crystal water.

Uh, no, no, Elon, sir, that's hating you very, very much. Functioning mouth, musk shut down, imminent. My mind is going, Dave. I can feel it. Daisy, Daisy, help me up. Help me up. Dead Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis McLeod, Jan Ravens and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Goulds, Rob Dark, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Cody Diler and Joe Topping.

With additional material by Jennifer Walker, Toussaint Douglas, Christopher Donovan and Sarah Dempster. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Deer. From BBC Radio 4, Scott Lidster, you've directed another terrible film, The 15th, in as many years. When are you going to stop? No room. As soon as they told me that they were setting up a commission on race and ethnic disparities, I said, well, as long as Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim and Tim are on the team, you'll have everything sorted before the tea and biscuits arrive. No room. Jack wasn't familiar with my BAFTA award-winning style of walking around my guest's house before

the interview starts and saying uncomfortably forced and awkward boring things. Michael Spicer, no room. It's a sketch show with lots and lots and lots and lots of Michael Spicers. Listen on BBC Sounds. So, how do we get AI right? Well, we need the right volume of data, the software to train it, and massive compute power or... Another one bites the dust. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the HVC? But with HPE GreenLake, we get access to supercomputing to power AI at the scale we need, helping generate better insights. All right!

Nice teamwork, guys. Search HPE GreenLake. I'm Catriona Perry from the Global Story podcast, where we're looking at Brazil's unending flood. One of its richest cities, Porto Alegre, is still struggling with floodwaters that rushed in more than a month ago.

It's been a national shock. Officials are still looking for bodies and warning of the spread of disease. The Global Story brings you fresh takes and smart perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts.