Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, 18th June, 2021

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

The truth behind the summit between presidents Putin and Biden, the true value of Liz Truss’s trade deals, and someone else who’s been tricked by Martin Bashir finally comes forward.The writing squad for the series: Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles & Ed Amsden, Jeffrey Aidoo, Simon Alcock, James Bugg, Nastassia Dhanraj , Athena Kugblenu, Sophie Dickson, Becca Bain, Duncan Wisbey, Rajiv Karia, Vivienne Riddoch & Jane Mccutcheon , Edward Tew.Producer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. You're watching the BBC News with me, Fiona Bruce. Is that a Covid test in your pocket? Well, you won't be self-isolating with me. Westminster has been rocked this week after Dominic Cummings put a WhatsApp message online in which Boris Johnson called Matt Hancock

**** hopeless. Number 10 have rubbished the suggestion the PM would use language like this and the Prime Minister's official spokesman released this statement. Look you lot **** quietened down of course the Prime Minister wouldn't have called Matt Hancock

hopeless he would have called him a know-nothing wouldn't know his elbow thank you no further questions Dead Ringers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Today with me, Nick Robinson, and Martha Carney. The headlines. The bikini worn by Dame Barbara Windsor in Carry-On Camping has sold at auction for nearly £10,000. As soon as bidding started, every hand shot up into the air and the bra pinged across the room into the auctioneer's face. LAUGHTER up into the air and the bra pinged across the room into the auctioneer's face. Donald Trump celebrated his 75th birthday this week.

Unusually, Melania Trump was nowhere to be seen. She's disappeared, she's gone, which made me very, very cross. She's not allowed to make a wish when I blow out the candles. The film A Quiet Place 2 has topped the box office charts, a movie where you have to keep deathly quiet to stop a monster attacking you and ripping you to shreds. Bit like working for Dominic Cummings. The Euros are well underway, but sadly for Scotland, they lost their opening game 2-0,

with their goalkeeper doing a passable impression of Boris Johnson trying to keep the Covid out of Britain. After the game, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said she would contest the result and hold another match as soon as possible. As the England players took the knee, the cheers finally outnumbered the boos. Seems the only people now booing players for taking the knee are thugs, racists and the Home Secretary, Priti Patel. Well, all I said was that I support fans booing the players as it makes it so much easier for me to spot potential new recruits for the police.

And indeed, a damning report on the murder of a private detective investigating the Met found the force to be rife with corruption. It's hoped this will lead to sweeping reforms and an eighth series of line of duty. Despite being singled out for criticism, Met Police Commander Cressida Dick insisted she would serve out her remaining term, presumably either in Holloway or Pentonville. But the big news of the week was Freedom Day. It was meant to be June the 21st. But would the Delta variant scupper that?

On Monday evening, the nation tuned in to watch Prime Minister Johnson make sense of it all. I did. I did. Wah. I have to say that 17-year-old over 50s under 40 will have been invited for their first jab eight weeks after their second jab, three days before, 17 days after, the fifth day following after,

the day before July 29th. After the day before, during that. Fwa. In the end, it was up to the boy from the big bad city, Chris Whitty, to translate Johnson's word salad into coherent speech. Freedom Day is delayed until July the 19th. Thank you. The decision to delay was scorned in the north, where the economy is already on the brink.

Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham joins me on the line. Oh, look, give it a rest, Martha. I didn't come here to answer questions on whether I want to be Labour leader. I didn't ask you any questions about that. Can't we talk about anything else other than whether I, the true angel of the north, want to be Labour leader? No, actually, I wanted to ask you about the delay to freedom. It isn't the only topic of discussion, you know, whether I want to be Labour leader, going on and on about my qualities and popularity

and people asking again and again, Andy, do you want to be Labour leader? Is it Andy for leader? Do you want to be leader? Is Andy Burnham running for Labour leader? Labour leader Andy Burnham, Burnham Andy Labour leader. Again and again and again. Oh God, all right. Do you want to be Labour leader? No comment.

Welcome to Geneva for this historic first summit between President Putin and President Biden with interpreters. Could we have your opening statement, President Putin? Translation, you will be crushed, old man, into the dust like a frog beneath my shoe. Nothing will give me greater pleasure than seeing the puny American eagle torn apart by the mighty Russian bear and used to stuff his pillows for the great hibernation. Thank you. Now, President Biden.

Listen, Vladimir, I know we've got our differences. But here's a little story. When I was growing up in the little town of Scranton, just across from the grand old stagnant river of malarkey, there were two farmers with adjacent farms growing corn. But we didn't

call it corn in those days. We called it crack cocaine. Anyways, to cut a long story short, Clint Eastwood rode into town, and in those days, he was called the man with no name, formerly called Prince. And Prince Eastwood climbed the castle steps and kissed them both, awakening them from their slumber. And they and Rumble Stiltskin all lived happy ever after. And that's why, Vlad, we can get along just peachy. You with me,

buddy boy? Translation. The West is so screwed. Thank you. That was Lady in Red by Chris DeBurr. Chris, you shouldn't be dancing cheek to cheek. I don't care how lovely she looks tonight, it's two metres if you're not in the same household.

Welcome back to The Jeremy Vine Show, where I always get the last word in, even if that word sounds like it's been shouted from a speeding car! Today I'm joined by the leader of the Labour Party, a man who probably gives raisins to trick-or-treaters, Sir Keir Starmer. It's my pleasure to be on the show, Jeremy, but I should just let the listeners know

that other pleasures are available. Like the quiet joy of finding the perfect parking space outside M&S, or the electric thrill of purchasing some reduced-price Jersey potatoes. Well, now, it seems like most people can't figure you out, Keir. I think the big question is, are you woke? Are you a woke bloke? Are you going for woke?

Are you a woke-a-mon master? Have you got your left leg in, left leg out, in, out, in, out, shaking all about, doing the wokey-cokey? All right, first of all, 90% of people haven't got the faintest idea what that word actually means. What, woke? No, keir. OK, OK, but are you woke?

Well, I'd say I'm half woke and half asleep. I'm sort of... I'm somnolent, basically. Keir Starmer, thank you. And speaking of being semi-conscious, here's Fleetwood Mac with dreams! APPLAUSE Hello, I'm Greg Wallace, a thumb with glasses on. And today I'm visiting Strutton Ground Market here in Westminster,

meeting the traditional traders of London. Let's have a cheeky gander, shall we? Come and get your Lithuanian goat off all five pounds a kilo. Get your Belarusian playing cards before they're gone. Sorry, love. Are you Liz Truss? That's right, Greg. It's me. They've let me run a market stall all on my own. I know! Why the heck are you running a market

stall, my dear? Well, get this. It appears nobody actually wanted any of the amazing goods I got in my super-duper trade deals, so I have to flog them on the cheap. Come on, ladies! Lichtensteinian egg cups, two quid a pop.

It's all a bit niche, isn't it? Ah, well, Greg, never fear, Liz is here. And yesterday I signed a fantabulous deal with Australia. I gave them free access to the entire UK market, unlimited customs exemptions and Gibraltar. OK. What did we get? A lot of tarantulas. But also...

Also lamb. Lamb chops, 12 for a pound, including hormones and bleach, probably. Gone rotten because they've had to travel halfway round the world. Ah, go on then, I'll take two dozen. Mmm. Oh, you can really taste the tight worm. Welcome to Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. I drink tequila straight, haven't brushed my hair in days, and I'll kiss on the first date if I'm really feeling it.

More on that story later. With the devastating effect of the Delta variant now all too plain, why did the government wait so long before closing the border to India? Michael Gove joins me now. Well, Kirsty, with respect, we all know that by now you have to account for a two-week lag. In data becoming available? No, in ministers responding to things. Sorry, Mr Gove, there's a two-week lag in ministers responding to things. I'll get back to you on that in two weeks, Kirsty. responding to things.

I'll get back to you on that in two weeks, Kirsty. What I can do now is answer the questions that I was asked a fortnight ago by Lauren Laverne on Desert Island Discs. If we could just get back to the border issue, though, who do you hold responsible for the mess we're in? The Spice Girls, Meat Loads, Johan Sebastian Baric, Lynyrd Skynyrd,

The Wombles, Cool and the Gang, the original cast of Les Mis and Lizzo. What is the government's solution for dealing with all the mixed messaging around travel? Anything by P.G. Woodhouse. Surely, Mr Gove, ministers will be sacked over this. Who do you think would do a better job of handling it if not Priti Patel? Oh, that's easy. A large jar of mayonnaise.

This summer, from the people who brought you Contagion. Welcome back to Match of the Day, where we've just seen England beat Croatia. A dangerous outbreak of a virulent disease. No, not that one. And you know what, Gary? On that evidence, we can beat Scotland and maybe win the whole thing. Oh, no, Alan. You've got it too. Got what, Gary?

Optimism. Optimism. The new epidemic. Just weeks after infection, victims are struck down with a horrific case of disappointment. So, Harry Kane, a great squad, a great opening win. We can win this tournament, can't we? Yeah, obviously, Gabby.

We're keeping our feet on the ground. But, er... At the end of the day, we've got a real, uh... We've got a... Oh, no. What is it, Harry? I've caught optimism off you. Oh, no! So don't make plans for the final.

Don't trick yourself into believing it's our year. And whatever you do, don't put a flag in your car window. Contagion 2 Optim optimism in cinemas everywhere, including Wales. Maybe not Scotland, though. You've reached the Prime Minister's voicemail. Foie! If you're that waitress, Lorna, from the other night,

I told you to ring my other number. And if you're Carrie, what other number? I've never met a Lorna. What are you talking about? Foie! Boris, it's Greta Thunberg, the world's first woke woman.

Just wanted to say, loved your tweet about using the G7 to solve the climate crisis. But if I had one teeny weeny note, maybe next time don't attach a photo of you taking a gas-guzzling private jet from London to Cornwall. Kind of spoils the message a smidge. Oh, and kudos on showing commitment to the cause by signing a massive trade deal with the country literally furthest away from you in the whole entire world. entire world. Nothing says save the ozone layer like flying

a jar of Vegemite 9,000 miles. Hello, I'm Andrew Neil. If you drew a face on a potato with a sharpie it would say, hello, I'm Andrew Neil. If you drew a face on a potato with a sharpie, it would say, Hello, I'm Andrew Neil. This is GB News,

the non-woke patriotic news channel broadcasting to you from inside a shipping container in Provence. With sound provided by the ghost of Norman Collier. Policy. Government. GB News is going to tell it like it is. Like a person starting a sentence with

I'm not being racist but... Now, let's hear from all our sponsors. And we're back. Remember, freedom is precious, especially the freedom to not advertise on GB News. Now a few childish people out there have been trying to embarrass GB News by getting us to read out stupid fake names live on air. Uh-huh. You know the ones. Hugh Janus.

And here's another silly one. Diane Abbott! No, that's me, Andrew. I really am here. You can't have a TV channel without me. And I've brought Michael Portillo. I brought a new pair of

slacks specially. I call this colour Overcooked Prawn. Oh dear. If you want to stay, you'll have to say something totally stupid which infuriates the snowflakes and inflames the culture wars. Well, I have never been afraid of controversy. I've always thought lemon drizzle cake is overrated.

I think that's a very good point, Diane. Far inferior to a really jammy Bakewell tart. Do you know, actually, yes, that's way more provocative than anything Toby Young and Rat Boy Dellingpole come out with. You're hired. Hooray! Here we go, then. It's England versus Scotland. It's the old rivalry.

Alan and Rio, will you be talking at a claptrap? Well, of course, Gary. That's what we do best. Alan, are England in good shape? Oh, absolutely, Gary. I think they look nice going forward. They look pretty nice going backwards. And as for standing absolutely, Gary. I think they look nice going forward. They look pretty nice going backwards. And as for standing still, well, I think they look lovely. They smell nice as well, don't they?

Oh, like a summer meadow, Rio. It's a big occasion. It's huge. They don't come bigger. And the players are only little, really. I mean, compared. Compared to the occasion? Oh, Rio's They don't come bigger. And the players are only little, really. I mean, compared. Compared to the occasion? Rio's bang on the banana there. I mean,

Harry Kane's a tall lad, but even he's not as big as the occasion, Gary. Thousand percent all day long. I mean, if Stay Puffed Man, the marshmallow giant of Ghostbusters, was brought down in the box by Godzilla with a late challenge, the occasion would still be just that little bit bigger than them. And they're big lads, to be fair.

Yeah. And what we need in this tournament is goals. Well, especially Scotland, but I just can't see where they're going to come from. Well, they're going to come from players sticking the ball in the back of the net, Gary. Alan, can you see more goals going in going forward? Well, you can't score goals going backward, Gary.

A billion percent all day long. You've got to see it, Gary. You put the ball in the back of the net, there's a good chance you're going to get a goal out of it. Billion and one percent. That's why you have to keep going forward if you want to go forward. Going forward. That's what I said.

No, I meant going forward as in going forward in time. And I meant going forward as in going through the tournament. Yeah, that's what I said. If you want to be going forward, going forward. So you're saying that going forward, in order to be going forward, going forward. So you're saying that going forward, in order to keep going forward, going forward, they need to keep... Going forward.

Well, that's... No, that's just football, Gary. Quadrillion percent all day long. Well, I said you were here to talk bollocks and you didn't disappoint. Good night. You're watching Newsnight with me, Emma Barnett, a rock and roll Paxman in culottes.

A BBC investigation has cleared the BBC of any wrongdoing in re-employing Martin Bashir as its religious correspondent. However, another famous name has come forward to say they too were a victim of Bashir. Almighty God joins me now. God, can you tell us how were you tricked by Bashir? Same as Diana. He faked up receipts for the devil and that apple. Turns out Adam and Eve didn't eat it.

They shouldn't have been cast out from paradise, meaning I condemned the human race to thousands of years of unrelenting misery for no reason. I can only apologise. That Bashir is a real snake. That's appalling. Didn't even get an Elton John song out of it. I opened my heart to him,

told him my deepest, darkest parables, how there were three of us in this holy trinity, God the Father, God the Son and Camilla Parker Bowles. So you must be furious with the BBC now. Do you know something? I am tempted to go all Old Testament on their arses. So what's it to be? A swarm of locusts?

The rivers turning to blood? A plague of boils? No, no, no. Far worse. A second series boils. No, no, no. Far worse. A second series of Gordon Ramsay's Bank Balance. Vengeance is mine! You've reached the voicemail of Sir Patrick Vallance. Please leave a message after the next slide.

Vallance, it's witty. Look, I fear that in delaying lockdown easing, we've made a grave, terrible mistake. Not for the country, I mean. For us. We've got to be stuck with that peroxide mandrill for another month. 30 more days with that bird-brained baboon.

Do you know what he said when I told him of the threat of other variants? Pull my finger! He waggled it through his zipper, Patrick. Through his zipper. I showed him the latest graph of the two Covid waves. He walked over, drew nipples on the peaks, shouted, Covid cannons!

And then, last one to motorboat them's a commie Frenchman. Foie! Look, we need to do something that'll stop him from coming into work. Oh, my George, I've got it. I've got it! Look, we'll tell him that from now on, every day is bring your kids to work day. We'll never see that Milky Bar macaque again. Hello and welcome to Clarkson's Farm.

Today, I'm inspecting the farm's prize heifer. And let me tell you, she's a beauty. This vintage 2010 model has a black and white leather exterior, and no, she doesn't run on diesel or petrol, not even electric. It's powered by, would you believe it, grass. Now, I know what you're thinking. She does seem quite slow, cumbersome and downright useless. But here's the good news.

She's convertible. You can turn this beauty into shoes, bags, jackets or even a fancy hat for your lady friend. Woof! And best of all, after a hard day's filming, my producer has absolutely no excuse for not whipping up a nice hot steak. Isn't that right, Daisy? It's the summer and we at the BBC know how you're looking forward

to bright, frothy programmes for those hot and lazy days. So here's a series by Jimmy McGovern. Never ask anything from us again. OK, you, step forward. How long are you in this Jimmy McGovern drama for? Three weeks, boss. Just keep your head down and you'll get through it. Are you keeping that Sheffield accent?

I'm Sean Bean. If I don't have a Sheffield accent, how can I be Sean Bean? If you don't do Scouse, you will get bullied by the other actors. OK. Here are the rules of being inside a Jimmy McGovern drama. Rule one. Okay. I understand, boss. Likewise, flashbacks.

Short, enigmatic and one per episode. You break up the stifling claustrophobia too much and I guarantee you will get beaten up by a passing nutter. I've got it. Ration the lighter moments., limit the flashbacks. Third and most important, no monologues.

This is not Alan Bennett. Allow the bleak social commentary to unfold through the misery that you are experiencing in every minute of the drama. If you feel one coming along, the monologue alarm will sound and I and my fellow warders will burst in and hit you with sticks. Right, boss. An emotionally damaged cellmate will be issued to you presently. Thanks. OK, Sean, you can get through this

just 58 minutes to go of the brutalisation of the human spirit and the degradation of what is your essence within these bleak walls and it's bright lights and wall to wall

BAFTA award I want you monologue boy alright let him have it, lads. Think of the BAFTAs. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coulshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson,

Lawrence Howard, Ed Amson and Tom Coles, James Buck, Simon Walker, Jeffrey A. Doole, Becca Bain, Rajiv Kharia, and Duncan Wisby. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Are you fed up with... With the news, as you know it.

People are fed up! Next slide, please. The skewer. The skewer. The skewer. The news chopped and channeled. Welcome to the repair shop. In the repair shop today, Matt needs help with a cherished possession.

What have you brought us? A National Health Service. Oh, dear. It's everything you need to know. Like you've never heard before. Have you ever dabbled in an animal? I haven't said no. You've tried donkeys.

Dating. Pierce, we had a good time at university. The biggest story. With a twist. Suddenly, thank God, Spider-Man. They may have said. Spider-Man. Spider-Man quite rightly was saying.

Tank flat, boss walk, jam, nitty gritty. You're listening to the Chief Medical Officer, Chris Whittier. Jam. By John Holmes. Crack team. Sound wizards. Kate Winslet has saved the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, from the jaws of a crocodile by punching it in the face.

Suppliers of racist and sexist tweets are struggling to meet demand. Mafia. Terrible comedy. Order. You do, Link. Scott, man. Thank you, Mr. Dahl. It is very good.

Scott. Scott. Sorry, you sound like a Dalek. Barry Gardner. You are an enemy of the Daleks. Video link. Paul Blomfield. I'll be back.

We'll try and get you back. The skewer. Skewer. Skewer. Oh, my God. Take this back. Oh, naked chicken. Listen now on BBC Sounds.

Look your head out of there and say, I'm a Dalek. Listen now on BBC Sounds.