Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 21st July

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

The series finale featuring many talented voices.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister. As close to being AI as you can humanly get. So the three by-election results are in and the Tories have made history. Yes, by being the country's most unpopular party since that one at Downing Street the night before the Queen buried her husband. So I don't have to be doing this job, you know. My socks cost more than what you troglodytes earn in a year.

What's that? What we won? We actually won one of the by-elections. Oh, come on. This must be a prank. Yeah, that's hilarious, guys. The party of Nadine Doris, Lee Anderson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nadim Zahawi, Dominic Raab and Boris Johnson won her by-election.

It's really true. Despite everything we did, you still voted for us. All I wanted to do was achieve three spectacular by-election losses by being cruddy, so I'd have an excuse to resign and spend the summer being stinking rich by the pool freebasing virgin mojitos. But no, you had to go and spoil that by voting Tory. Fine then, it's no more Mr Nice Rishi. Forget sending immigrants in the small boats to Rwanda. From tomorrow, me and Suella are firing them straight into the sun. Oh, we've just gone up 11 points in the polls. Dead Ringers. Dead Ringers.

Dead ringers! You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson. And Michelle Hussain. The big political news this week is the by-elections. I have sad news to report from Uxbridge. Count Binface did not win. I could have won, Nick, but sadly the fruitcake ludicrous novelty vote was split. You're referring

of course to the monster-raving loony party. No, Lawrence Fox for reform. Do you even think he's real? Because I don't, and I'm a bin with a face. So what does the future hold for Count Binface? I'll do

what all failed politicians who've lost seven by-elections and who are a total joke do. Spend the rest of my days moaning about coots closing down my bank account... LAUGHTER ..even though I don't actually have a bank account because I'm a bin with a face. APPLAUSE Former Uxbridge MP Boris Johnson joins me now.

Mr Johnson, you must be relieved that the Conservative Party held the seat. No. Look, if I'd have known that the people of Uxbridge were so immune to indifference, incompetence, corruption and cronyism, I would have run again myself. This is going to be my biggest regret since I glimpsed Michael Fabricant rubbing margarine into his scalp. Meanwhile, Labour are claiming it was a great night for them. Sir Keir Starmer

joins me now. Yeah, yeah, you know, we did well, but so what? That wasn't really what mattered this week. Well, what could be better than winning by-elections? I received the endorsement of Tony Blair. Things can only get better. Tones, as he said I could call him.

Well, it only turns out we like the same things. Neoliberalism, free trade, and it even turns out we hate the same things. Which are? The Labour Party. Oh, they're so awful. Angry and shouty and Corbyney. Oh, my God.

They never stop going on about benefits cuts and the poor and helping the most vulnerable. Isn't that what the party is about? What it was actually set up to do? Yeah, right, as if, I mean... Oh, I've joined the wrong party, haven't I? But, Mr Starmer, off the back of these by-election wins, you're likely to be the next Labour Prime Minister.

Oh, this is like an episode of Black Mirror. Please, Michelle, you have to make it stop. Well, you could always step aside and let Angela Rayner be Prime Minister. No, that's fine, I'll do it. In other news, Europe is in the grip of a killer heatwave. With temperatures hitting 50 degrees, Spain warned British tourists of the risk of dehydration, sunstroke and returning to the office looking like David Dickinson.

And as wildfires raged across the continent, the British government offered help. Yes, Gove, Gove, Gove always likes to help others. Mr Gove, what are we sending? A British fire crews to help tackle the wildfires across Spain? No, we're sending the cricket. The cricket? We're moving the final ashes test from the Oval to Madrid.

Five days of cricket means a minimum three days of rain, guaranteed. The scorching temperatures saw many holidaymakers opting for destinations where the temperature was less fierce. We can speak to the manager of one such place, the devil. So... So, Devil Hades is becoming a popular tourist destination. It sure is. Hellfire these days is relatively mild

compared to sweating it out in 50 degrees heat in Rome or Athens. So, what can Brit holidaymakers expect from their vacation in hell? Torment and endless torture. A million small humiliations tearing at your soul as a thousand harpies slay the skin from your back. So a bit like a week in Benidorm, then?

Oh, it's not that bad. Plus, there's an all-you-can-eat buffet and cabaret nightly from Cilla Black. The suffering here never stops. Anyone who had a heart would hold me. Faced with what he called baseless smears and false accusations, GB News presenter Dan Wootten apologised for any past mistakes he'd made in a statement addressing all his viewers.

Sorry, Jif. Sorry, Margaret. A revolutionary new drug has been hailed as a turning point in the fight against Alzheimer's disease. We're joined on the line by one of the participants in the recent clinical trials. Sharon, can you shut those bloody dogs up? I'm trying to talk to the BBC. Ozzy Osbourne, I didn't know you were involved.

Me neither. I just heard the words drug trials and volunteered. The next thing I know, I remember everything from the 70s. The sold-out gigs, the bacchanalian parties. I'm a changed the 70s. The sold-out gigs, the bacchanalian parties. Armour change, Mad Michelle. Ozzy Osbourne, academic, philosopher, chess grandmaster. So you'll be continuing to take the drug? Will I, bollocks?

With memories like mine, it's best to forget. I'll bit the head off a bat... Whacked on the head, will you, Sharon? I've got some forgetting to do. An Apple iPhone from 2007 has sold at auction for more than £145,000, equivalent to a three-year contract if you're with EE. Meta's president of global affairs, Nick Clegg,

has downplayed the risks of AI, claiming current models are quite stupid. This from the man who believed David Cameron when he said, it's a coalition of equals. You're watching Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. I don't want anybody else. When I think about you, I touch myself. More on that story later.

So, the by-election results are in, and I'm joined now from Somerton and Froome by someone who looks like a geriatric Tintin, but is in fact Ed Davey, leader of the Liberal Democrats. Fantastic to be here, Kirsty. So, I imagine you're very pleased about the result. I'm giddy with excitement.

I'm on telly. People know who I am for a whole day and a half. But the best thing is, I can do another metaphor. Another metaphor? That's what these by-elections are all about. Powerful liberal Democrat visual metaphors for celebrating our momentous victory. I think it's actually about democracy.

Not just a democracy. Now we've won Summertime and Froome, what would better sum up a rural constituency famous for sounding like an ITV detective series than doing a movie metaphor? So, over there is a pink car full of pink plastic dolls. You're doing the Barbie movie. Exactly.

And the pink car represents the Tories. Why? Doesn't matter. Anyway, the car is wired up with explosives. Leila Moran's giving me the thumbs up. So all that remains is for me to press down this detonator. Oh dear.

And that 100-megaton nuclear explosion, that's the Liberal Democrats obliterating the Tories. It's Oppenheimer. Get it? Ed Davey, you seem to have turned the whole of Somerton and Froome into a pile of ash. Well, that's by-elections, Kirsty. Always gets a bit dirty at the local level. Er, anyone seen my skin?

Hello and welcome to Earth, the BBC's newest big-budget natural history series, with me, Chris Packham, a presenter for people who think radishes have souls. I'll be taking you on a remarkable journey back in time to a remote and distant past. Throughout the series, I'll be standing heroically on cliff edges, pointing at things

and speaking in grandiose spine-tingling prose that will make goosebumps rise at the back of your neck. Not so fast. Brian Cox? Yes, it's me, king of spine-tingling prose. Look, I can do it with anything. This lump of dirt is the key to a story that began millions of years ago,

where the great, unimaginably powerful forces of the universe came together to create matter for the very first time. Rank amateur. Check this out. This small, unassuming animal dropping hides within its composition one of the great mysteries of life itself

and ultimately how you and I came into being. Bloody wannabes. Yes, it's me, God himself. The OG of standing on cliff edges, talking in grandiose sweeping spine-tingling prose. I'll show you how an old master does it.

Go over there and stand right on the edge of that very high cliff. That's it. Further, further. Just right around here? Yes, yes, that's it. Now, face me. Imagine you're being filmed by a swooping drone shot from above

and then say the most rousing, almost tear-jerking, sweeping observation you can think of. As you are almost overcome with awe, you take a step back. One, two, three... Oh, dear. I think Chris and Brian have very tragically become extinct. Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, cue inspiring music. Check the hair is looking on point. Stare wistfully out into the middle distance. And for every one of us, Attenborough is back. Thank you. and for every one of us. Attenborough is back. Bonjour. You have reached the European Court of Human Rights. Please leave a message after the tone or don't.

That's completely your choice, of course. Well, well, well, you bloody French wooftles. It's Nigel Farage here. Ha, bet you've never expected that. Now, you've got to help me. I am the victim of the most grievous infringement on my human rights. I know you usually deal with whinging refugees crying about, oh, someone's painted over my

Mickey Mouse murals. Well, boo-hoo-hoo, Pedro. But my case is actually serious. Coutts have closed my bank account just because I raised the odd glass when a small boat sinks in the English Channel. And I didn't even get a free pen. Banks have gotten too woke, in my opinion.

The rot started when Lloyds picked a black horse for their logo. I mean, it's multiculturalism gone mad. And now they've cancelled me. Even women are allowed their own bank accounts these days. But no, no, not old knowledge. Now, if you really want to stand up for oppressed minorities, And now they've cancelled me. Even women are allowed their own bank accounts these days. But no, no, not old Nige. Now, if you really want to stand up for oppressed minorities, then you need to start helping the most viciously oppressed of the lot.

Men like me, who wear mustard-coloured waistcoats with a side parting so severe it was approved by the Third Reich. Ta-ra! Farage out! APPLAUSE To Farage House. Fixes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Hello and welcome to Peston, where every sentence I say is like a manual car being driven by someone who learned in an automatic. manual car being driven by someone who learned in an automatic. The Labour Party is celebrating victory in two of yesterday's by-elections, but questions remain about its ambitions for government. I'm joined by Sir Keir Starmer. I'm glad to be here, Robert, and I make no apology for that. In fact, I am laser-focused on being here.

You've come under fire for saying a Labour government would stick to harsh Tory policies like the two-child limit for benefit claimants. Surely that's just electoral positioning. No, no, no, I'm a man of my word, Robert. I've set out a tepid and feeble agenda. And if I were Prime Minister, I would deliver that tepid and feeble agenda. So it's not a question of you trying to under-promise and over-deliver?

No, no. You see, when it comes to the whole promise-slash-deliver equation, we've basically got four options. We over-promise and over-deliver. We over-promise and under-deliver equation, we've basically got four options. We over-promise and over-deliver. We over-promise and under-deliver. We under-promise and over-deliver. And that leaves option four. To under-promise and under-deliver. And that's my strategy. All the other options are either too difficult or too tricksy,

but with this one, I really think we can pull it off. Well, that promised to be a damp squib of an interview, and that's exactly what it has been. My work here is done. APPLAUSE From the people who brought you Oppenheimer comes another thrilling epic about a scientist whose invention would change the world forever. A warning from history set in the early months of the pandemic. Gentlemen, the moment has arrived.

The device is ready. It's time to test it. Are you sure about this, Professor Witty? We have no idea what it's capable of. Who knows where this will end? That's a risk I'm willing to take. See you on the other side. Ready?

Next slide. Please. It works. Next slide, please. Next slide, please. Oh, my word. It's more powerful than I could possibly have imagined. Dear Lord, what have I done?

With my patented slide projection system, I will be able to baffle the entire population of the UK at the click of a button. Now I am become boredom. Creator of indecipherable parabolas. Destroyer of nights out at the pub. And if you think that's bad, wait till you see my pointer. Welcome to the repair shop, where stingy people bring heirlooms they pretend to care about

to get them fixed for free. This week, Jay Blades is facing a unique challenge. OK, all right, so, so, OK, now, why don't you tell us your name, a little bit about yourself, and what you've brought into the repair shop today. My name is Therese, I'm the Environment Secretary. LAUGHTER And I've brought in the entire UK coastline. into the repair shop today? My name is Therese. I'm the Environment Secretary.

And I've brought in the entire UK coastline. OK, right. So what exactly is wrong with it, then? It's full of shit. OK, I see. And you'd love us to restore it to its former glory, would you? Well, I'm not all that fussed about it, really, but sure, if you like, yeah. Well, you know, it's going to be a tough one.

We've got to work it out, but OK, OK. Let's see what we can do. Jay and his team stick on some clothes pegs and get to work. OK, Therese, it's time to put us on your Christmas cold list because we've only gone and done it. We have fixed the UK coastline, faeces-free seas from here on in. OK. Yeah, you just need to UK coastline, faeces-free seas from here on in. OK.

Yeah, you just need to, you know, keep it clean now by giving it a bit of, you know, proper investment. Well, I'm not sure I can be bothered with that. I think I'll just let it fill up with sewage again. Seriously? At the end of the day, it's just a bit of poo. This is The World at One with me, Sarah Montagu. Is that a pot noodle? For your lunch?

Come on, people, standards. With temperatures across much of Europe and America rising into the mid-40s, has the world failed in its efforts to tackle the climate emergency? I'm joined on the line by Swedish schoolgirl Greta Thunberg. Schoolgirl? I am 20 years old now. Gosh, really, how time flies. You must be furious at how governments across the world are failing to decarbonise as the world burns.

Oh, who cares? Sorry? You heard me. I'm 20 now. I am an adult. And now I'm officially allowed not to care. Let the young people sort it out. I'm a harassed grown-up with commitments. There is so much pressure. I'm so exhausted. I can't even be bothered putting the recycling into the right bins anymore.

This is so depressing, Greta, to hear you being world-weary, exhausted and cynical like the right bins anymore. This is so depressing, Greta, to hear you being world-weary, exhausted and cynical like the rest of us. Oh, God, is that what I am now? A cynic? Happens to us all, Greta. So, what next? For you, over the next 30 years.

Well, buying your first flat, meeting someone, marriage, first house, a mortgage you can't really afford, meaning spirit-crushing hours at the office, then kids who sap the life from you until you forget who you are, your career going sideways, disastrous affair with your Pilates instructor in your mid-forties just to feel alive again, menopause, messy divorce, and having to cash in your pension to fund your parents going into care.

Shitting hell! Suddenly I care about the planet again. May it destroy itself as soon as possible. You're right, darling. Stacey Dooley here. On tonight's show, we're looking at the plight of people whose purpose gets stripped away from them in the blink of an eye. My name's the Riddler, and I used to be Batman's main adversary

until the Joker came along. Whereas I would irritate Batman with a tedious riddle, he'd blow up a hospital. He was just way more evil than me. And the Riddler ain't the only cartoon supervillain what's been out-eviled by their successor. I'm Priti Patel. Priti thought she was as evil

as evil can be until her replacement came along. I mean, I did some pretty awful things when I was Home Secretary. But when I heard Suella was planning to deport migrants to Rwanda or bang them all up in a prison barge, I thought to myself, I cannot compete with that. Solemn, overlong nod to convey understanding.

So how did you cope? Well, it's difficult. I've always thought of myself as the most evil being in the world, but when I look at that bloody Braverman, it makes me feel, well, almost human. Over the course of this series, we'll be putting Pretty in contact with some of her fellow out-eviled baddies

to see if by communicating together, they can heal and grow. It has been really so helpful. Hearing Loki talk about seeing Thanos snap away half of humanity, that really puts some things in perspective. And the Green Goblin and I have swapped WhatsApps. He's a definite friend for life. Hello, I'm Evan Davies.

If you catch me, I have to give you my pot of gold. First up in the den is an internet whiz kid and innovator. Hello, I'm Elon Musk, an inflated John Barrowman doll. My company is called Twitter, and it is an internet platform where customers enjoy a wide range of betting ads and hate speech. I'm asking for $3 billion trillion for a 1% share.

Sarah Davies raises immediate concerns. Now, listen, Elon, I have to be direct here because I'm the type of no-nonsense lady who might wear Givenchy, but I get it at TK Maxx. Now, I don't like your head and your hair looks like it's made of polyester. But putting that aside, what are your plans for the business? I'm currently working on a strategy to alienate users by locking them out of the platform and laughing at them when they complain. Oh, that's good. You mean like a banking app? Exactly.

Sarah's looking happy, but that could mean she's thinking about calligraphy. Tuka Salomon is looking sweaty, so he's about to speak. It sounds impressive, but I need numbers. What are your numbers? How big are they? They are the biggest numbers. I think you'll be impressed. I bought the company for $40 billion and it has now lost $45 billion. Those are big numbers. I bought the company for 40 billion and it has now lost 45 billion. Those are big numbers. I like their fatness.

But I'm already bored by what I'm saying. So for that reason, I'm out. Definitely, I'm out. And furthermore, I want you to run away. So Elon leaves with nothing. Hopefully there'll be no more lunatics with social media platforms joining us. Hello, dragons. I'm Mark Zuckerberg.

You're listening to Woman's Hour with me, Anita Rani. The Metropolitan Police have outlined new measures to identify and arrest London's 100 worst sexual predators. We're joined now by a serving Metropolitan Police officer, Detective Constable Darningford. Hello, Anita. So how are you going to track down these sex offenders? We've started off by compiling a detailed dossier on them and we already know their names, addresses and occupations. Occupations? Yes, these sexual predators come from all walks of life. Let's see. I've got a list. Traffic warden. Police officer. Police officer.

Police officer. Another police officer. Police officer. Police... All the rest of police officers. Hands on me, Ed, me! I'm under arrest! I'm nicked! DC Dawningford, have you just arrested yourself? I have. You see, I'm an excellent detective,

but also, it turns out, a dangerous predator. Really shouldn't have to be me arresting myself, but there aren't any other officers left to do it, cos... You're not going to tell me they've been... All been arrested, yes. Right. And you lot complain you can't trust the police these days. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Mosley and this is Just One Thing where I'll explore one simple thing you can do today

to improve your health and well-being. With all this social media and all the gadgets and gizmos it'll be easy to think we're more connected than ever but studies show that feelings of loneliness are at an all-time high. There's evidence that social isolation can be as damaging to your health as smoking. So it's more important than ever to connect with others. Which brings me to this week's tip.

Why not join a gang? My social lives received a wonderful boost since joining the South London Bastards. Rebbing with my crew certainly puts a spring in my step. And I've made tons of new chums. Lil Maniac,

Grinder, Nasty Boy, Mr Scissors, Crazy Dan the Butcher Clown, Trouble Tim, I feel so cheery when we're giving our rivals from the Chalk Farm Crips crew a good roughing up. You hear that, boys? You play on our turf, you're going to suffer, bitches. They don't call me Little Dr Whack for nothing. So there you go. Try it for yourself. Just don't come near our turf if you don't want to get murked. Join me next time, when I'll be seeing if I can reduce stress by sprinkling some smack on my muesli.

Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby, Jess Robinson and Jason Forbes. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Edward Chew, Peter Toulouche, Robert Dark, Sophie Dixon, Christine Riggs and Nicky Roberts. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.