Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 23rd June

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

featuring the voices of Jon Culshaw, Duncan Wisbey, Jess Robinson, Jason Forbes and Jan Ravens.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Dead Ringers. APPLAUSE Robinson. And Martha Carney, the headlines. A UK ticket holder has won the 55 million euro millions jackpot, instantly catapulting them into an elite group of people still able to pay their mortgage. Yes, the Bank of England raised interest rates

by half a percent, meaning the average mortgage bill rising from £900 a month to bloody hell how much? Moneybox presenter Paul Lewis joins us now. Yes Martha, well this has been in the pipeline and I'm sure many of my listeners have been preparing for this as have I. And how have you been preparing for this? Well I've been subtly adjusting my DNA week after week until I evolve into a vole. Now I can leave my expensive house and live in a tiny hole

on the riverbank with my friends Toad and Badger. Labour has called for something to be done. Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves joins me now. Glad to be here, Nick. Sitting here sensibly and quietly and prudently. If Gordon Brown was

Logan Roy, I'm Shiv. So, do you have a plan to help homeowners through the mortgage crisis? Oh yes, I have an amazing plan. It will have you gobsmacked. Really? Yes.

My plan is to ask the banks... Yes? ..to be a bit nicer to people. That's a terrible plan. OK, well, thankfully, I have a backup plan, which is to ask you to be a bit nicer to me. Yeah, good luck with that. Interest rates at levels Britain hasn't seen since the 80s means we'll be seeing a whole new breed of property shows.

Hello, I'm Kirsty Allstock, gingham made flesh. And I'm Phil Spencer, the Mr Potato Head who made something of himself. Welcome to repossession, repossession, repossession. Rishi Sunak, of course, famously pledged that inflation would halve by the end of the year. People of Britain, this pledged that inflation would halve by the end of the year. People of Britain, this is your Mystic Meg. And I stand by the prediction, and I also predict, that Philip Schofield will turn on the Christmas lights on Oxford Street.

Glastonbury kicks off this weekend with the biggest queues expected for Guns N' Roses, the Arctic Monkeys and the Portaloos. Glastonbury, of course, was once a happy hunting ground for Labour leaders. But I imagine you won't be going, will you, Sir Keir Starmer? On the contrary, I've even worked on my own chant for the crowd to sing. Oh, Jeremy Corbyn was nice, but we prefer the sensible and pragmatic policies of Keir Starmer designed to win over centrist Tory voters, as it's only by building a broad-based coalition

that Labour can truly return to hope to government. Pretty catchy, don't you think? In other news, the Liberal Democrats have attacked Boris Johnson's much-covered and controversial resignation honours, calling for the names on the list to be removed. If you still don't know who they are, the Liberal Democrats are a political party with 14 MPs. The President of the Cambridge Union has resigned after being accused of committing an astonishing act of electoral malpractice, prompting him to be tipped as a future leader of the Tory party. And in sport, Andy Murray says there were positives to take

from his meek first-round exit at Queen's. Yes, I'm really delighted. Because I didn't have to stand in the sun for two weeks. You see, my complexion would have been a human frazzle by Wednesday. To the surprise of many, Buckingham Palace has said that the King is quite relaxed about Boris Johnson's new honours list. He addressed the nation. One's quite looking forward to having the people who partied as Mama mourned alone in that chapel,

kneeling before me as one holds a big old sword in one's hand. Suffice to say, when their heads are bowed, one's going to go, all killed, bill on their arses. Jacob Rees-Mogg joins me now. How could you defend Boris Johnson giving a peerage to Charlotte Owen, a blonde 29-year-old intern who has more than a passing resemblance to Jennifer Arcuri? How dare you, Nick?

It's disgusting, people casting aspersions about their relationship. Who doesn't give the office junior something when they leave? A box of roses, a £10 Boots gift card, a peerage. Remember, Miss Owen did maternity cover in Downing Street, and you know how busy that is in any office involving Boris Johnson. The Guinness Book of Records says the world's biggest game of hide and seek took place this week as over 220 Tory MPs managed not to be in Parliament for Monday's vote on the Partygate

report. During the debate, MPs were, for the first time, allowed by the Speaker to call Boris Johnson a liar. Order! Order! Order! You may call Boris Johnson a liar, I'm also giving you permission to call the Pope a Catholic and to reveal the shocking truth about what bears do in woods. There's been a warning issued to swimmers after sewage leaks into the sea off Blackpool. Environment Minister Therese Coffey joins us. Well, this is all just a big fuss over nothing. Sewage leaks into the sea off Blackpool. Environment Minister Therese Coffey joins us.

Well, this is all just a big fuss over nothing. It's just a bit of poo. Just swim around it, for goodness sake. Now, I have been assured that the sea is safe to swim in. Really? By whom? The mayor from Jaws. Spotify announced they were cancelling Harry and Meghan Markle's podcast after just one series. Prince Harry made this statement.

You can't win. Before I did the podcast, I had loads of listeners. News of the world, half of Fleet Street and Piers Morgan. Meanwhile in America, Hunter Biden has been charged over tax evasion and illegally possessing guns. President Biden gave this statement. I know I'm his dad, but when I heard this news, I couldn't believe it. Illegally possessing guns?

You mean there are actually guns in America you aren't allowed to own? Wow. Mind blown. Hunter says he was high on drugs at the time, but he's now in the 12-step program, which is nine more than I can manage without needing a nap. God save the Queen.

You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards Like if Paddington had a go at reading the news Reports are just coming in of a horrifying incident At the Glastonbury Festival Orla Guerin has rushed to the scene Orla, what's happening? Appalling scenes of suffering here, Hugh. Has the stage collapsed? Crowd trouble? No, it's worse than that, Hugh.

Two young Tories began dancing. And the mere sight of them feebly twirling each other round whilst sporting gaudy orange knitwear has made everyone vomit. Questions will now be asked, and there is bound to be an inquiry lasting several years with the perpetrators eventually getting what they deserve. A life sentence, you mean?

No, a couple of OBEs or maybe a peerage. In theatres this summer, one of the most anticipated movies of the year. Yes, it's Barbie. What a lovely day. Now, what shall I wear? Something for the beach, I think. Are those legs fully poseable? You don't look like a Ken doll at all.

Are you some kind of factory reject? No, I heard this was the land of fantasy where the normal rules of reality do not apply. There's a party every night and endless busty blondes. You can never get pregnant. My kind of place. Which is exactly why I'm running to be Prime Minister of Barbie Land.

Not so fast, buddy boy. What the... You're in trouble now. That's Ken. That's right. Sir Ken Starmer. And I'm PM of Barbie Land.

Keir, what in the name of Penny Mordant are you doing here? Well, it turns out I'm directly descended from a Ken doll. That's why I have immaculate hair, possess all the charisma of

a polypropylene figure, and have a smooth mound where my genitalia should be. Sir Can's a total dreamboat. No Barbie can resist his awkward voice box and rigid body movements. This is too much fantasy, even for bother to handle. Time to return to Blighty where I believe I will soon be swept back to power on a wave of popular acclaim.

Ha! And people think I'm a dumb blonde. You're back with Today. Now, as mortgage rates have gone up again and the cost of living crisis continues to cause anxiety for many, we have now... What? Fear not, for I have arrived. Martin Lewis, what are you doing here?

I appear any time someone says cost, living or crisis. It's only 8.30 and already today I've done Good Morning Britain, BBC Breakfast, Five Live, The Martin Lewis Money Show, The Martin Lewis Podcast and Martin Lewis opens his window and shouts, look there's a fiver on the pavement! Is there a fiver on the pavement? Not anymore, too late, you

missed it. But the important thing is I am here to help, do not panic. Could you just speak a bit quieter? You need to listen to me. Here's what you are going to do. You take out a 0% interest card. You put the money from that into a high-interest saver. You put the interest into an account with cashback.

Then you switch that and get a switching fee. You put the fee into the high interest. You put the high interest back into the cashback. You switch the cashback fee into the interest. Interest into cashback, round and round and round, until, boom, you've retired early. Doesn't that sound relaxing? LAUGHTER to cash back round and round and round until, boom, you've retired early. Doesn't that sound relaxing?

I actually feel a lot more anxious than when you arrived. I don't have time to listen to responses. I've got to get back out there. I'm booked on Channel 5, Channel 4, Radio 4 Extra and Radio 1. Big up your nectar points, brap! Hang on, is that a jetpack? You're darn tootin', it is. It's double-clop card points on aviation fuel all weekend.

Martin has left the building! This summer, from visionary director Wes Anderson, it's the exact same movie he makes every single time. Featuring bored people in vintage clothes, needlessly quirky plots, and Bill Murray delivering oddly clunky dialogue. We need to get this 1960s rotary phone down to the painted egg shop before Aunt Mirabelle wakes up from her coma and be snappy. Starring Frances McDormand as someone with a really wacky name.

Me? Why, I'm Twenzel Fidgetguard III. And an ensemble cast featuring an outrageously long list of famous actors. Owen Wilson, Ed Norton, Jeff Goldblum. Is my cigarillo at a jaunty enough angle? Like so many. Gwyneth Paltrow,eryl Streep Judi Dench Yes, I've somehow got a three-minute cameo as a waitress And I don't even understand the words I'm saying

Bologna and Jell-O sub for table two Seriously, though How do they get so many A-listers? Leonardo DiCaprio Steve Martin Is it a tax dodge? Scarlett Johansson Tilda Swinton

Is the budget all the money in the world? Ralph Fiennes. King Charles III. Malala. The long-dead Marilyn Monroe. When Wesley calls you up, you don't say no. Boop-boop-bee-doo-ah. So buy your tickets now to whatever this movie's called.

The Colonel's Fish Tank. Or the Insomniac's Moratorium, or the Swiss Refrigerator, or whatever. Five stars, The Guardian. Oreo brisket fries for table nine. Hello there, I'm Dr. Michael Mosley. And this is Just One Thing, where each episode we'll explore just one thing you can start doing today to improve your health and wellbeing. Now, I don't know about you, but all these muggy summer nights are playing havoc with my sleep.

So what can we do to ensure we get some shut-eye when the temperatures soar? Why not hop in a nice cool shower, pop on some breezy linen, and head out on a massive bender? I've recently discovered a gnarly three-night rager can do absolute wonders for resetting the body clock. If it's your first time on an epic multi-day lash, I suggest you start with every single cocktail on the menu in all bar one.

After that, why not try every liquid or substance that comes your way? Absolutely cane it. And then you might, for example, wake up a few days later in the gutters of a fish market in Mykonos. Naked, save for a pair of stolen sunnies, handcuffed to a random elderly Greek man, and have to beg strangers for a plane ticket back to London

because you're a famous medical expert and you have a show to record. By the time the police has called you back to the UK you'll be so tired you'll sleep through an entire week. And be refreshed enough to make an upbeat podcast. Anyway,

try it for yourself. Join me next time when I'll be seeing if I can boost my mood by selling my least favourite child. Cheerio! All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Ethan, this is your new mission, should you choose to accept it. You see that building behind me? The one that looks like a bank? Sure.

In precisely 30 minutes, you will go in there and you will have a meeting with a Mr. Hartford. I'm guessing Hartford's my CIA handler. He's also a double agent for the Russians, but also a triple agent double-crossing the Russians to the Chinese? No. Mr. Hartford's the bank manager. Why am I going into a bank to meet a bank manager? To get me and my girlfriend a mortgage. I want you to secure us a mortgage we can actually afford.

You're out of your goddamn mind. I know this is mission impossible, but come on, get real. Can't you give me a different mission? Okay, if you want. How do you fancy defending Sean Bailey's peerage with Victoria Derbyshire on Newsnight? I'm going in to see Mr. Hartford and I'm getting you a goddamn five-year fix, even if it kills me. Hello and welcome to This Morning With Me, Holly Willoughby. A live, laugh, love poster in human form. And I'm Alison... ..Amand.

So, Holly, how are we glossing over the horrors of working here this week? Well, we've got a gerbil beauty pageant, followed by a heartfelt conversation with a woman who accidentally hoovered up her 12-year-old son. Oh, but first, we've sent Ryland to Stonehenge to check out the summer solstice. Hello, poppets. I'm here with some spooky looking fellas called pagans.

Apparently they're well into this thing called summer solstice. Sounds like a yummy cocktail, doesn't it, Alison? I'll take that as a yes. Let's have a chat with some of this loopy lot. So, what's your deal? I'm praying for the return to our agricultural past. And you? I'm praying for rain to bless our bountiful harvests.

And what about you? I'm praying for a coherent economic plan for the UK. Oh, my God, ain't you Jeremy Hunt? Oh, yes, I think I am. Well, you know, I'm flat out of ideas, Ryland. So your plan is to pray to the Earth Mother? Well, let's face it. Our last economic plan was let Liz

Truss have a go. So it's a step up from that. I just need something. Anything. You must have some ideas. Oh, I just need something, anything. You must have some ideas. Oh, I don't know. I'm not really a politics guy. Let me ask Alison. Alison, what do you reckon? She says ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Yes, we're hearing that a lot on the doorsteps. hearing that a lot on the doorsteps. Dustin, the town is under siege by a monster from a portal. Again! I know! It's been under siege for the whole of the 80s so far, but apparently this is all going to end soon because this is definitely, absolutely the last

series of Stranger Things. Thank God. Finally, you'll have time to mount that off-Broadway production of the Iceman Cometh you've never had time for. Wait, what is that hideous skeleton? Greetings, fellow thespians. Aren't you the guy from Star Trek The Next Generation? The one that's just started on TV? That's right.

And I've come here from 36 years in the future to warn you. Don't believe those TV executives when they tell you this is your last season. Once those bastards have got their teeth into a franchise, they'll run it into the ground. That's not going to happen to us. Don't you believe it. I'm now 103. That's not going to happen to us. Don't you believe it.

I'm now 103. And they've still got me facing up to the bloody Borg. It's exhausting. At least when I'm forced to do the X-Men, I get to use a wheelchair. Believe it, kids. It's all true. Harrison Ford? But you're so old.

I know. I belong in a museum. But I'm still waving my bullwhip and firing at stormtroopers. I'd ask them to shoot me, but their aim is terrible. Oh, my God, he's right. We're still riding around on bikes and going to school, and I'm nearly 30 years old. I'm married with kids and still talk like I'm 12.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go on an epic quest to find a lost artifact. My reading glasses. They're on your forehead. Damn, you're good. Oh, before we go, do either of you have a bathroom? It's my prostate. I've got to boldly go where I've already boldly gone eight times this morning. Oh, hello, hello. Welcome to the one show. When you were young, did you ever think it would come to this. With me is a very special guest indeed, Prime Minister Rishi

Sunak. Well, firstly, thank you for your question, Alex. I haven't asked it yet. Don't you answer me, Beck. Now it's time you cleaned your room. Sorry, what? Brush your teeth first, of course. What on earth is going on? I'm Rishi Sunak, the grown-up in the room. You see, now that this country is going to hell in a handcart, the only thing left for me to cling on to is the idea that I'm the grown-up in the room. I think that's a little bit... Don't you use that tone with me, young lady. Prime Minister.

Eat your vegetables. I don't have any vegetables. You do now. Here's a carrot. I'm not eating a carrot. Well, then you're grounded. You don't have any vegetables. You do now. Here's a carrot. I'm not eating a carrot. Well, then you're grounded. You can't ground me. Can too. I'm the grown-up in the room. Then maybe you can explain why your economic policies have led to such cripplingly high interest rates.

That's a horrible thing to say to your father. You're not my father. You know what else I'm not? Angry. I'm just disappointed. Okay, my producer's saying we need to wrap this up. If he told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that too? Right, I'm going over to the other sofa. You're not going anywhere dressed like that.

Welcome to The World at One. The Labour Party has launched its energy and climate strategy, but critics say it lacks boldness and imagination. I'm joined by Sakir Starmer. Hi, Sarah. It's massively fantastic to be here. OK. Now, these criticisms follow on from Labour being forced to delay plans to spend £28 billion a year on green investment. So, are you playing it all a bit safe?

Not really my style, Sarah, and that's why we will not be spending £28 billion a year on green investment. We'll be spending £28 trillion a year. Whack! That's a staggering amount. I've taken inspiration, Sarah, from the fearless approach of the England men's cricket team and devised a new ultra-positive form of politics. You've seen Baz Ball.

This is Staspol. And how do you think the city is going to react to this new approach? Don't care, because I'm going to abolish it. Crunch! See how I smashed your first question through the covers before? Abolish the City of London. Won't people within your own party think you've lost your mind? Then I'll go round to their houses and kick them all in the bum.

Whoosh! I spear in a 90-mile-an-hour Yorker and shatter your historical stumps. I'm sorry, but the British public simply won't vote for this type of lunacy. They won't need to, not after I seize power in a bloody coup. Incredible! Star must just reverse ramped Montague over the wicketkeeper's head for six. I am the Ben Stokes of politics, Sarah, because I'm audacious, because I never take a backwards step. Yes, and because when you come up against the old enemy, despite being in a winning position for ages, you're going to lose?

Exactly. Yeah, good point. Maybe I'll go back to dead-butting everything and hoping for a draw. Hello, and welcome to Dragon's Den. Coincidentally, the same name as the tattoo parlour where I get my nipples pierced. Let your freak flag fly, brother. Today in the Den, two young entrepreneurs are looking for investment in their podcast production company,

following the collapse of a major deal. Yeah, so I'm Harry and this is my wife Megs. Hey. Before committing to investing the requested 100 million pounds for a 3% stake, Tuka Solomon has some questions. So tell me, what happened to your previous investors? The establishment autocrats at Spotify accused us of not providing as much content as we promised. And sure, it probably didn't help that when they asked why we didn't make more podcasts, I said, what's a podcast? Now it's Sarah Davies' turn to ask the questions. I'll be straight with you, I hate it. But for some reason, this show's an hour long, so I guess I should drag it out. Now, why do you need the money? Right, so I used to be in this thing called the Royal Family, yeah?

And like, when you're in that, they just give you like, tons of money. And then Meg's here sort of said we shouldn't be in that family, but it turns out that when you leave, they sort of stop giving you tons of money, which doesn't seem fair. It's the hegemony

of hereditary capitalism, darling. Right, yeah, of course it is. You did say that. Yeah. It's time for the dragons to make their decisions. Right, let's make this quick. You're clearly grifters and this is going nowhere. I'm out.

Oh, sick. No, that means no, Harry. Oh, not sick. It's not an investment for me. I'm out. Next to enter the den is Mr. Sunak, who's looking for a two trillion pound investment for 50% of his country. You're watching Sky News. The headlines. Donald Trump could be living out the rest of his days

in prison and has plunged the Republican Party into crisis. Stop everything. Martin Lewis? You must have said cost, living or crisis. But I was talking about Donald Trump. I don't make the rules, Kay, but I can help you, so do not panic. About what? About all the savings that you are missing out on.

You claim the money for that lovely suit back from your employer, you take that money, put it in a high interest saver. You take the interest, put it in a cashback account. Take the cash, put it in the saver. Take the interest, put it in the cashback. Take the cashback, put it in the saver. Round and round and round and boom! Oh! How do you feel, Kay? Less anxious? No!

Got to go. I'm booked on question time. Question of sport. Gardener's question time. And time team. Neolithic rubbish ditches. Should you get a cashback account instead? Do not get screwed on trowel insurance. Oh, is that a jet ski? Sure is. 50% off at B&Q.

Martin Lewis away. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Duncan Wisby, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Jason Forbes. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamison, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Buck, Rob Dark, Sophie Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Toussaint Douglas, Joe Topping and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4

and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.