Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, 25th June, 2021

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

There’s a surprising new role for Professor Chris Whitty, and Liz Truss is on the verge of her best ever trade deal.Performed by, Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jan Ravens, and Duncan Wisbey.The writers were: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Jane McCutcheon & Vivienne Riddoch, Sophie Dickson, & Tasha Dhanraj.Producer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

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Visit heartandstroke.ca BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Matt Hancock who is completely honest at all times. I've got my own app, you know. My own app. You're emphatically not listening

to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC. You're emphatically not listening to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC. You're listening to Sounds of the 60s with Alan Fluff Freeman, not half. Gareth Southgate. England are through to the last 16, but their performance has been a tad uninspiring. Can you really pick a team with enough skill,

flair and passion to go all the way and win the Euros? Oh yeah, of course I can, Gabby. Italy. Dead ringers! Yay! This is Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. The headlines. The captain of the British warship HMS Defender, which was shadowed by fighter jets after straying into Russian waters, insists there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

His crew just wanted to get a better view of a nearby cathedral and its world-famous spire. Britain's ambassador in Moscow called the incident a storm in a teacup. And if President Putin handed him that teacup, we strongly suggest he doesn't drink from it. With the race to become the new head of the health service now well underway, Dido Harding is positioning herself as the change candidate. The NHS is doing a fantastic job.

I would change that. Britain marked the fifth anniversary of the Brexit vote, with the country still divided between those who think they were lied to about the extra £350 million for the NHS and those who are certain they were. Nigel Farage joins us on the line. No, no, no, let me speak. Let me just tell you this right away. That is so typical of you lot going on about all the bad things about Brexit just because the BBC has got

this woke obsession with facts. Well, stick this fact in your mushroom burger, Martha We now control our borders Huzzah! No more swarthy foreigner types from the continent Waltzing into Britain to nick our jobs Which means King Fraggle Tim Martin Gets to instead employ any old idiot off the street To work behind the bar at Wetherspoons Which is how I got this shift

Huzzah! You've still got it, Nigel, you're still relevant Ah, yes, two pints of old bastard, a packet of port scratchings and change for the fag machine. Coming right up, sweetheart. According to the Palace, the Queen's first face-to-face meeting

with the Prime Minister in 18 months wasn't that different to them talking over Zoom, as Boris Johnson still wasn't wearing any trousers. that different to them talking over Zoom, as Boris Johnson still wasn't wearing any trousers. Covid now, and there was no relaxation of restrictions in Scotland, with Nicola Sturgeon maintaining the current rules, limiting the number of Scots who can meet to six from two households indoors, if fully vaccinated, or 30,000 if drunk and singing Flower of Scotland in Trafalgar Square. Scotland's hopes of progressing to the second round of the Euros were cruelly dashed by

the tournament starting. And after England's lacklustre display against Scotland, Harry Kane did his best in the dressing room to motivate the squad. Yeah, well, obviously, I told the lads, be more positive, be more positive, you know. But then we heard about Billy Gilmore's Covid result. I was like, be more negative, be more negative! Covid result. Be more negative!

Be more negative! Billy Gilmore's Covid result meant Mason Mount and Ben Chilwell had to self-isolate, meaning they played no part in England getting through to the next round. Bit like Harry Kane. So, England have reached the last 16 of the Euros,

but they are the lowest scoring team to do so. Gareth Southgate joins us on the line. Your England team has been rather dull to watch. Look, I've tried not to be boring. OK, first I bought a knitted tie, then I ran out of ideas. But what steps are you taking to make the team more exciting? We're going to start taking risks. Harry Maguire is getting straight into his bath

without checking the temperature first. Calvin Phillips is dunking his rich teas to the point where they nearly collapse. Now, that's playing with fire. We are toasting crumpets from frozen. We're really going for it. After all, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and in our case, 98% of the ones you do.

Gareth Southgate, thank you. This week, the Education Select Committee claimed that disadvantaged white pupils have been failed by decades of neglect. The Prime Minister made this statement. I have read the report and am not shocked or surprised. I myself have contributed greatly to Left Behind white children, both in creating them and also in leaving them behind. Wimbledon starts on Monday

and Andy Murray has said he's determined to take part, despite being required to spend the whole of the tournament in a biosecure bubble. I will do whatever it takes to compete. Plus, I've got four kids, so two weeks on my own in a travel lodge, being able to take a crap in peace sounds like utter bliss. APPLAUSE Travelodge, being able to take a crap in peace sounds like utter bliss. Welcome to Newsnight with me, Emma Barnett. Daphne and Velma from Scooby-Doo at the same time.

The Lib Dems continue to celebrate their win in the Chesham and Asham by-election. I'm joined now by their leader, Sir Ed Davey. Did you see me, Emma, at our victory rally knocking down that blue wall of bricks with my little orange mallet? I did see that, yes. Did you get what we were trying to say though? It wasn't too subtle. No, no, it was very clear and extremely cringeworthy. Leaving the cheap stunts to one side, can you tell me how it feels to have

your party re-emerge onto the political stage? I can do better than tell you. I can show you. What? Bring out the giant egg! Sorry. Sorry, what is this? Hang on, bear with Why are you climbing into an egg? This is how it feels to re-emerge onto the political scene

Oh my god Get ready for the most startling and surprising visual metaphor you've ever seen. You're going to break through the shell, aren't you? There we go. Broken through the shell. What are you going to do when a general election comes round and the Lib Dem support inevitably collapses? Oh, that's simple.

Bring out the giant humble pie! This is Keir Starmer's phone, although other equally valid phones are available. Hello, Keir. It's your new best friend here, John Burko. Oh. Right. Oh. Right. Hello. I assume you've heard the news about me joining the Labour Party.

Wonderful, isn't it? Wonderful for you, that is. I can well imagine how you reacted when you found out. I couldn't believe my luck. you reacted when you found out. I couldn't believe my luck. Yes. A big burko boost for your flagging leadership is just what the Doctor ordered! Ordered!

A little example there of the kind of scintillating wit you can expect from me when we're out together on the campaign trail. What? And I have more good news for you. Keep it under... Order, order! Keep it under your hat for now. I think I might be able to persuade another Tory outcast to join us.

And who's that? Can you imagine how popular the Labour Party would be with Theresa May on board? No, I don't think I can. I will give Labour my heart and my soul, Keir, and all I ask in return is the chance to serve. Oh, and a peerage, obviously. Within the next couple of weeks, if that's OK by now. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

Welcome to the film programme. Isn't it great to have the big screens open again, allowing us to enjoy those heart-stopping moments you only get at the cinema, like when someone coughs in the row behind you. The big success this year is The Father, starring Anthony Hopkins and Olivia Colman. Colman plays Anne,

a woman who fears her elderly father is losing his mind. Doctor, thanks for coming at such short notice. I'm at the end of my tether. Well, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. He's through here in his study. He's been holed up in there for the last two weeks. Occasionally I hear screaming and shouting and then these weird incoherent yelps of joy.

I'm just so worried. Dad, this is the doctor I was telling you about. Send him away. I'm far too busy to speak to any of your quacks. Can I just ask what you're doing in here that's so important? What do you think? Watching Wales in the Euros, of course. Can you believe it?

Wales in the finals of a major football championship. And we're through to the rocker phase. You see? You see, he's completely delusional. No. You see, we've got Denmark in the last 16, and they're no great shakes. And if we can get past them, we can go on to win

the whole damn thing. Don't you think? Yes, yes. Absolutely. I completely agree. Okay, you keep him here. I'll go and get the sedatives. Welcome back to Love Island. The sex-filled reality show where Covid is one of the nicer things you can catch.

COVID is one of the nicer things you can catch. It's time to meet this year's contestants. Hiya, I'm Leah. I'm flirty, I'm feisty, but get on the wrong side of me and I can be your worst nightmare, so watch out. All right, my name's Dean. I like going to the gym, going home and then going back to the gym. And I'm ready, ready to get spicy.

Salutations, I'm Jacob. I'm 52 years old. And I dress like a hearse. And I'm here to, by all accounts, get proper naughty. Hang on a minute. Who brought their dad on set? Someone get him off. On the contrary, since Boris is so loath to open up travel this summer, it seemed as though this was the only

way I was going to get abroad. Now where's the best spot for Nanny to launch my bathing machine? My underclothes were designed by Brunel and take some getting off. On your bike. Right, next contestant. Hiya, who wants to get coozy with Goofy?

Welcome back to the BBC's relentless coverage of Euro 2020. Don't like it? Tough. That's how we feel when we have to sit through election night. I'm joined by two people, absolutely fluent in nonsense, Alan Shearer and Rio Ferdinand. Looking back on the group stages then, did the last-minute Covid bans have any impact on England and Scotland? Oh, sure it made a difference, Gary.

If the lad Billy Gilmore hadn't tested positive, he wouldn't have been stuck at home. And you can't play at home. You can do many things at home. Cut the grass, open an online bank account, run a lovely bath. But one thing you can't do is play an international match against Croatia.

So that was the key difference for me. Right, right. I think a lot of people were confused about why England's Mason Mount and Ben Chilwell had to isolate, but the rest of the Scotland squad didn't. Rio? Oh, 100 billion percent.

Now, we know Gilmore. We know he was near the England lads and we know he was near the Scotland boys, but what we don't know is how near. So although we know we know with that one, we don't know we know with the other, you know? I don't, no. Well, it's as simple as cake, Gary.

Basically, if a player tests positive, you don't have to isolate, no matter how much time you spend with them, unless you put your arm around them and only if you're English and play for Chelsea. And it's a Friday. Otherwise, you're laughing. Well, that clears that up, then.

Yeah, but one thing I think we can all agree on, though, Gary, is just how moving it was to see the rest of the Scotland boys out of solidarity for Gilmore, getting themselves sent crashing out the tournament and joining them back home. That's lovely, isn't it? Four trillion percent. Buongiorno.

You have reached the phone of the Captain Regent and Head of State of San Marino. I must congratulate you for finding my number. For most people cannot even find my country on a map. Leave a message. Captain, ahoy there. Liz Truss here. Trade Secretary of the UK. I know!

Just checking up, you got all my eight emails about a trade deal. I've been checking my inbox and I can't see a reply. You might want to check it's Truss with two S's and Liz, not Lynn. Anywho, according to Wiki, oh, I mean my team of researchers, your biggest industries are ceramics and postage stamps. So here's an idea. You buy our cars and we could have some of your lovely stamps. I love stamps. I don't know why, I just do.

Anyway, I have to go because I'm waiting on a call back from the president of Nauru. Yeah, I know, where even is that? It's a tiny island, well, more of a rocky outcrop, but definitely an actual country, and I'm on the verge of a mega trade deal when they call back. I mean, maybe they don't even have phones there. Oh, wait, we could sell them phones. Oh, except we don't make them, but we could buy some. Oh, you could sell us some.

Oh, God, I'm so brilliant. I don't know why, I just am. He's been the breakout star on your TV screens throughout the pandemic. So the BBC has given him his own primetime Saturday night game show. Hello, I'm Professor Chris Whitty. Welcome to Next Slide, Please.

Yes, Next Slide, Please! The new game show where two teams compete for massive prizes! Sorry to interrupt. We mustn't mislead people. The top prize is actually only £5,000. Next slide, please. Thank you. Now, this graph plots that amount and shows that, far from being massive,

the cash prizes which can be won should be more accurately described as somewhat modest. Sure. OK. Well, the cash prizes might be somewhat modest. Sure. OK. Well, the cash prizes might be somewhat modest, but the excitement generated by next slide, please, is off the scale. Once again... I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you there.

Sage Modelling has determined that the excitement experienced by viewers will not be off the scale but peak in the first 11 minutes of the show and then sorry, next slide please thank you then what you'll see here is a gradual decline in their

enjoyment which falls more steeply around the 18 minute mark at which point really they realise it's just another cheap game show and switch over to a repeat of Dad's Army on BBC Two. Right, got it. Anyway, now I've brought expectations down to a realistic level, it's time to meet the contestants. It's Mike and Janice from Manchester.

Hello, Chris. Hello, Chris. Hello, Chris. Right, the rules are simple. I show you a slide, then I show you another slide, and then I show you another slide and another. Then you guess when you'll be allowed to leave your homes and go to a club or theatre, and then I tell you you're wrong...

LAUGHTER ..and that it's actually much later than you think. Thanks. Oh, and just a note, if you do win any money, please don't hug me. Not because of Covid, it's just I don't want anyone realising I'm actually made of knotted socks.

You're listening to PM With Me, Evan Davis. Quinoa in human form. LAUGHTER And joined now by the Vaccines Minister, Nadeem Sahawi. Good evening, Evan, to, well, you. LAUGHTER The government's entire Covid strategy is now dependent on the continuing success of your vaccination programme, isn't it?

Yes, I'm aware of that. I mean, it's literally all on your shoulders. I'm aware of that too. And there's still the danger of a new variant emerging that can evade the vaccines and, well, that could be catastrophic. Evan, I'm really very, well, aware of all of this. No need to remind me. So, my question is, does any of that worry you? Let me put it this way. I haven't slept for a week, oh God!

I really hope the vaccines keep working. I mean, they should. Apparently. Will they? Probably. What's the science behind that? How the bloody hell should I know? Come on, you vaccines. It's coming home. It's coming. It's vaccines coming home. Minister, you do seem rather on edge. Evan, can I ask you something? Do the vaccines talk to you?

Evan, can I ask you something? Do the vaccines talk to you? No. No? Good. Me neither. Now, Dean Zahawi, thank you. Thank you, Evan. What? Sorry? What was that?

Not now, AstraZeneca! Go away! Leave me alone! Hello, I'm Hugh Edwards, the weighted blanket of news. The Covid pandemic has caused untold misery across the globe. We can now cross to the BBC's, oh heck, it must be really bad if they've sent all our correspondent, Orla Gerin, for this special report. Heartbreaking scenes here, Hugh. So distressing. Where are you, Orla? In the hospital in New Delhi?

A Covid clinic in Nairobi? No, Hugh, I'm in a big marquee in Cirencester at Tony and Cheryl's wedding reception. Which is being held under the Covid guidelines. That sounds quite fun. I don't do fun, Hugh. Sorry. And it's certainly no fun

if you're Clive, the father of the bride who's just been told he cannot dance. Oh, my God, oh, no. No, you mean... Yes, yes, Hugh. No opportunity for Clive to dad-dance his way into the father-of-the-bride dad-dancing hall of fame. But that's the whole point of being a dad at a wedding.

No drunkenly twerking with a 23-year-old bridesmaid to Cardi B that lands him in a week sleeping on the sofa. The humanity. No tripping over a small child whilst disco-strutting to I'm Every Woman by Chaka Khan. That poor, poor man. So what's he having to do instead? Just sit at a table,

making small talk with Auntie Linda about her varicose veins and Uncle Graham's hip operation. And blinking back the tears. It's very sad, and that gives me joy. I'm off to feast on the bride's salty tears because her sister's

shown up with a better tan. Welcome back to Sky News, GB News, if it wasn't filmed on a Nokia 3210. I'm joined by the Health Secretary. Mr Hancock, you've introduced a scheme allowing NHS patients to access medical records via an app. That's right. After the success of Test and Trace, we thought that we... I'm sorry, just to stop you there, the success.

Yes, yes. Having nailed Track and Tr trace, we're embracing technology even further by gathering patient data online. So is it simple to access the records? It couldn't be easier, Kay. I'll show you. I simply open my phone, enter my password, select I am not a robot. Weird, that didn't work.

And voila, we're in. All my medical records in one place. Have a look, I've nothing to hide. Oh, right. 21st of October, injury sustained after tie stapled to forehead. I'd accidentally annoyed the Prime Minister. How? By being Health Secretary.

Prime Minister. How? By being Health Secretary. So, 9th of March, I'm a useless cretin branded onto backside. I think he was just very stressed that day. There's this last one. Can you believe this hopeless moron

is Health Secretary? Boris never actually said that about me. No, that's a note from your GP. Thought you'd got over BBC One's grimace drama? Fancy something light and feel-good. Nah, you don't get away that easily. Here's an extra episode of Jimmy McGovern's Time. Right, you, out of your cell now.

Where are we going, boss? It's time for you to stop being miserable on your own and be miserable with some other actors. You've got a visitor. Mum. That's Sue Johnston to you, Shawnee boy. Although why I'm playing your mother beats me. I'm only 15 years older than you.

I was married to you in a morse, for Pete's sake. So how are you, anyway? Mild and self-loathing and despair. As you'd expect from the lead in a Jimmy McGovern drama. Oh, well, as long as you're unhappy, love, that's the main thing. I just need to keep my head down and make sure everything stays nice and gritty because that's how Jimmy likes it.

Gritty, gritty and gritty. You think this is gritty? Listen, sunshine, I've been doing bleak scouse drama since you were in short trousers. You want to go back and look at Brookside? McGovern's got nothing on Phil Redmond. Come on, keep your voice down. Jimmy will hear. Oh, let him hear.

I tell you, this is the Teletubbies compared to Boys from the Black Stuff. Alan Bleasdale will be turning in his grave. What? Alan Bleasdale ain't dead. I know he's not dead. He just sleeps in a grave to experience the hopelessness of the human condition. Mum, I'm in a prison drama. I'm trying to be realistic.

Realistic? You've been in prison for two years and you haven't even had a broom handle up your jacksie. Phil and Alan would have had you bow-legged from day one. All right, now what's all this melodrama going on here? We'll have none of that going on. Oh, and you can shove it and all. Look at you, escorting him politely round this prison for years

when you could be kneeing him in the nuts when no-one's looking. Do you call yourself a scouse actor? Madam, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave. Oh, don't worry. I'm off. Off to play

a drug-addled grandmother pimping out her daughter in the new series of Happy Valley. Good old Sally Wainwright. If you want proper misery, ask a woman. Dead Ringers was performed by John Coulshaw,

Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom James, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Buck, Simon Walcock, Jane McCutcheon and Vivian Riddock, Sophie Dixon and Natasja Dunraj. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Hi, I'm Matthew Side and I'd like to invite you to see the world differently with my podcast Sideways. Those societies and social networks begin to act as a brain, a collective brain unto itself. Sideways is all about the ideas that shape our lives.

And in this series, I'll get to grips with the myth of mind control. This is your subliminal programming tape on smoking control. He is what I would consider to be a quack charlatan. And I'll find out why it's so hard to be original. For all this and more, subscribe to Sideways on BBC Sounds. That was the Friday night codpast from the BBC. There's lots more on Sounds.