Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 26th April

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

The Rwanda bill passes through parliament so will Rishi call an election? Who is really behind the rumours about Angela Rayner? Will Rylan and Stacey Solomon manage to say anything sensible? All questions answered.The series writers include: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Laurence Howarth, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Toussaint Douglass, Cody Dahler, Joe Topping, Alex Bertulis-Fernandes, Angela Channell, Lizzy Mansfield, Christina Riggs, Peter Tellouche, Rachel Thorne, and Sarah Dempster.Exec: James Robinson Sound Design: Rich Evans Prod Co-Ordinator: Dan Marchini Producer: Bill Dare

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. From the makers of 28 days later, it's the latest film in the epic zombie franchise. I thought it was dead and buried, but it keeps coming back. It doesn't seem to have a brain. It just makes strange noises. I know! It's your girl Lizzie T here, this legend. Who'd have thought that little old me would be back on the global stage

speaking my truth with my book, Ten More Years of Me Talking at you like a stoner at a freshers disco. Dope! Liz Truss stars in 45 Days Later. Why won't she go away? Dead Ringers! You're listening to Today with Michelle Hussein. And Nick Robinson. I'm openly bald. The big political news is that Rishi Sunak has finally got his Rwanda bill through.

The Prime Minister joins me now. Well what a triumph, Michelle. It's now official. Rwanda is safe, no matter how dangerous it is. LAUGHTER Parliament has spoken and so it must be true and no returns. But something isn't a fact just because you say it is. Yes, it is, and that's a fact. LAUGHTER

You say so, Prime Minister. So, after this triumph, I presume you're going to gear up for the next election. I don't have to, Michelle. You might not have noticed that, tucked away in a sub clause at the end of the Rwanda bill we declared the election had already taken place, the Tories won in a landslide. You think Liz Truss was the PM most out of touch with reality? Well you ain't seen nothing yet.

Now claims of wrongdoing won't go away for Labour's Angela Rayner but it's believed the allegations against her are coming from a single shadowy figure with a hatred of left-wingers. He's on the line now and he has requested anonymity. Hello? Hello, Michelle. Sakir Starmer? No. No, Michelle, I'm definitely not Sakir. sort of sound like him because I've modelled myself on that great political colossus. So, do you have further allegations

about the Labour deputy? Oh plenty. I've definitely seen her not pick up her dog poo. I know this isn't technically illegal, but she's a very loud eater. Well, none of that is particularly bad. I once saw her punch a swan. Really? No, that was a lie. Look, I once saw her punch a swan. Really?

No, that was a lie. Look, I'm not quite sure why you're making these baseless accusations. Look, it's very simple, Michelle. Undermining your colleagues is all part of being a Prime Minister, so I'd better get some practice in now while I'm still leader of the opposition. Oh, you? So you are Sir Keir Starmer? Oh! Yes, all right. In that case, we will have to leave it there as... No, no, no, look, before I go, Andy Burnham doesn't separate his recycling

and Rachel Reeves doesn't brush her teeth. Bork! Tory MP Mark Menzies was revealed to have rung a 78-year-old party volunteer at 3am in the morning saying he was trapped in a house by very bad people and needed £5,000 or something truly awful would happen. Yes, they'd let him carry on as her MP. LAUGHTER Mr Menzies later had the whip removed,

but they let him keep the gimp mask and the nipple clamps. LAUGHTER The Alzheimer's Society is warning that chronic memory loss is becoming endemic in Britain, with the problem affecting 30% of people over 50 and 100% of former post office managers appearing at the Horizon Inquiry. Toby Jones, who played sub-postmaster Alan Bates on the hit ITV drama, joins us now.

Her reaction to the drama has been incredible. Is it true Mr Bates versus the post office was such powerful television that some people actually thought you were Alan Bates? I know that's true because the moment I set foot again in my local post office, I was arrested on suspicion of fraud and theft. And I'm now serving an 18-month sentence in Wormwood's Crubs. Get off me, McDade! In Washington, the House of Representatives finally agreed

a $61 billion aid package for Ukraine. President Biden welcomed the news. My fellow Americans, this is wonderful news. The aid package is already on its way. A huge package filled with silk stockings, tinned ham, hominy grits, sweet potato pie, slaw, Hershey's chocolate and Mrs. Biden's world famous peanut brittle cookies. They're going to love it. Mr. Hitler has no chance of winning now. Having already been found guilty once this year in a New York court,

Trump is back on trial. This time it's over alleged hush money payments to broad star Stormy Daniels, who joins us on the line. Miss Daniels, do you expect Trump to be found guilty? Oh, for sure. That other New York court found Trump guilty of exaggerating the size of his assets, and he definitely did that with me too.

The trial began only after the 12-strong jury was sworn in. It was a challenging process, finding people with no strong views about Donald Trump or current politics in general and I'm delighted to say that one of the jurors joins us now on the line. Hello Michelle. You again, Zakiya. It's both a pleasure to be here and not a pleasure. You're on the jury for the Trump trial.

Well that's right Michelle. The court asked me if I might be swayed by my own and not a pleasure. You're on the jury for the Trump trial. Well, that's right, Michelle. The court asked me if I might be swayed by my own deeply held beliefs and I told them, well, it's never happened before, so... Anyway, I now look forward to doing my duty and finding Donald Trump guilty and not guilty. I think you will have to choose one or the other. What, you mean offer an actual opinion?

Oh God, I'm in over my head! Car maker Tesla has slashed its prices amid a sales slump. The owner, Elon Musk, joins us on the line. There is no panic. Do not panic. No panic. Your competitors are calling this a fire sale. Only because most of my cars are on fire. You've had to recall every cyber truck sold in America. Only because

of a minor design fob that means whenever anyone sees you driving a cyber truck they all start laughing about what a tiny penis you have. LAUGHTER Two riderless horses running through central London on Wednesday morning were finally stopped in their tracks when they passed a pret charging £9 for three carrot sticks and a piece of celery. APPLAUSE We can speak now to their owner.

Salutations, Michelle. LAUGHTER Take a brief smog, so they're your horses. Precisely so. We can speak now to their owner. Salutations, Michelle. Jacob Rees-Mogg, so they're your horses? Precisely, sir. Sadly, in their panic, they ran over a young urchin. Oh, God. Are they OK? Oh, they'll be pulling my carriage again in no time. I meant the urchin.

Oh, him. We had him melted down for glue. With local elections only a week away, the Tories are stepping up their campaign. Joining us now, the Deputy Prime Minister, Oliver Dowden. Me? I can't be right. Deputy Prime Minister? I'm as surprised as you, but it's what it says here. If I was Deputy Prime Minister,

someone would have told me, right? as you but it's what it says here. If I was Deputy Prime Minister someone would have told me, right? LAUGHTER Apparently you've been in the post for a year. You were even on PMQs this week. I was? Name Oliver Dowden doesn't even ring a bell. LAUGHTER

I've been Deputy Prime Minister for a year, you would have seen me in the paper or on the news doing something. Surely, as an MP. Surely as an MP? I mean MP? Oh, knock me down with a feather. The government says one word, Ofsted judgments will stay. The head teachers of Great Britain gave this response. BOLLETS!

Taylor Swift's new album, Tortured Poets Department, set a new record for the number of downloads for a single day on Spotify. It's so incredible. 300 million downloads. I can't wait to receive my check from Spotify for $7.16. The Reform Party MP, Lee Anderson,

has attracted derision on social media for a post in which he misspelt the word avocado. A spokesperson said he was just happy Anderson hadn't attempted to write about Jeremy Hunt. In publishing its bad news for Liz Truss, her book Ten Years to Save the West has been beaten in the bestseller charts by the Daily Star's Lettuce and its new book Ten Ways to Save in Lidl. And finally, a nine-year-old boy from Derbyshire has won a European Championship for his seagull impression.

The judges were impressed not just by the accuracy of his screech, but also how he stole his neighbour's chips and shat on his windscreen. Hello there, people of Scotland. It's Humza Yousuf, one of the few First Ministers to have never been arrested. LAUGHTER But there's always time before I get put in the wicker man by the Green Party.

LAUGHTER I'm here today to talk to you about hate crime. What is a hate crime? Hate can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I hate cheese for example. Is that a hate crime? Well yes maybe. Thanks to our new law, can you commit a hate crime against the weather? Yes you can. Rain has just as much a right to exist in peace as you or I. And now the Greens have withdrawn their support from my government. After next week's no-confidence vote, I'm almost certain to be given the heave-ho.

But be reassured that even if I'm cast out of politics completely, I'm still going to self-identify as Scotland's First Minister. And I'll report anyone who challenges me to the hate police. No, no, no, let me speak. Welcome to Big Nudge's podcast, coming live from the Black Boy Pub. An old fashioned name, sure, but as tall Sue, the landlady said, if all the locals are white, who's offended? Today I'm joined by a true political ally of mine, Reform UK MP and all-round Northern me, Lee Anderson. No, no, no, let me rant.

No, no, no, let me rave. No, no, no, let me spew. No, no, no, let me pontificate. None of your big words please, Southern boy. Apologies. So, Lee, an exciting time for Reform UK. Nigel, I think what the country is crying out for is a salt of the earth, no-nonsense populist who unassumedly says what we're all thinking. Well, I mean, I'm a bit like that.

No, I mean a disruptor, a scrapper, a firebrand. I don't follow. I mean a proper bloke who's not afraid to say enough is enough. I say that. I've said it loads. I've even got it tattooed on my left shoulder. Look. That's a bulldog with human breasts. Hang on, it's the right shoulder. Anyway, let's not bicker.

I brought you along to have a bit of risky banter and a couple of warm pints with. A couple? Soft-boy alert. Not a couple. Ten pints. Or as I call it, a quiet Tuesday afternoon. Ten points and 15 packets of Rothmans. Oh, you're trying to cook down. And 20 bloody steaks, badger steaks,

covered in freshly-fractured oil and dolphin unfriendly tuna. Sounds like one of them woke London meals to me. Right, now you listen here, newbie. I see you, and you're just me, only worse. Like when they remade Ghostbusters with a load of birds. But we're not going to get anywhere by fighting. The only way we can succeed is together. So what do you say, partners?

Two blokes together? Nah, sounds a bit gay. See you later, Nigel. Yeah, good riddance, upstart. Right, Tulsu, bear me up. Another half a lacashandy. Shh! Don't let Anderson hear that. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm here at the NASA Jet Propulsion Headquarters,

where the first readable data from the Voyager 1 spacecraft is arriving after months of silence. The message is coming from the furthest man-made object in the universe, across a distance of 15 billion miles of deep space. How wicked is that? Let's find out what it could be. The picture I can see is quite grainy, but I can just make out two orbs dangling in between a central column, complete with a...

LAUGHTER ..constellation of freckles. I go, this is a dick pic! LAUGHTER Is there nowhere in the universe safe from MPs' WhatsApp messages? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is there nowhere in the universe safe from MPs WhatsApp messages? BBC Radio 4. And now it's time for Book of the Week. Chapter 1. The Rise of Liz.

The rise of Liz. It's the 8th of September, 2022. Why me? Why now? I thought as I read the news that the Queen had died. I mean, talk about selfish. Not okay, Queenie babes. Really not okay. Then it dawned on me, in like a very big dawn indeed. This was just yet another example

of a shady cabal in the deep state trying to take me down. Chapter two, how my resignation was everyone else's fault but mine. So the main people to blame for my downfall are Rishi, the Bank of England, the IFS, the OBR, the Guardian, pork markets, the Financial Times, Maths, that lettuce, God, Quasi-Quarteng, Jeremy Corbyn, economic reality... Book of the Week will continue at the same time tomorrow, whether you want it to or not. From the filmmakers behind Challengers comes another steamy Hollywood story about what happens when sex and professional tennis collide. Nice swing.

It's all in the grip honey. Yours looks a little tight. Maybe you could show me how to loosen it up a little. I don't see any need for that. Oh, Andy, I didn't realize you were here. I just came over to be part of the sexy tennis pattern. Oh, well, I don't know that we need you for that. Sure you do. For your grip, I think a slight adjustment to your wrist position will make cross-court slices a really efficient option for you,

especially against opponents with unforced error percentages in the medium to high range. OK. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to talk to Stan Waringker about what gradient of topspin he uses on his second serve. God, sorry it sounds so dirty. Your unstoppable sex machine Murray still got it. APPLAUSE

MUSIC It was a beautiful morning in Greendale, and Pat arrived at the post office to pick up his sack of deliveries. Oh, hello there Mrs Goggins, said Pat. How nice to see you again. You're finally out of prison then. Yes, I've been exonerated. It turns out it was the Fujitsu Horizon software all along. Said Mrs Goggins. Well, all's well that ends well, smiled Pat. Well, not quite. I had to sell my house and move to avoid excrement being shoveled through my letterbox. Sounds a bit of a bother, laughed Pat. Oh well, said Mrs. Goggins.

At least I'll be getting some compensation from my trouble, though I don't know quite when. Well, the post office has put one of their top workers in charge of it, said Pat. I'm sure Jess the cat will get to your claim eventually. Isn't that right, Jess? Meow. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Meow. Chapter 3. The Day I Resigned. I've written this next part in a present-tent style to add to the tension. Cool. I walk into the room and His Majesty the King is waiting there for me.

This is just like the crown, I think, except I accidentally say it out loud. The King looks really scared for a moment, but I'm pretty sure it's just his way of showing deep admiration. And then he says, well, I'm very sorry to see you go, dear Lizzie. You were a brilliant Prime Minister, and I'm just so to see you go, dear Lizzie. You were a brilliant prime minister,

and I'm just so very sad that you were cruelly brought down by the bloody anti-growth coalition and an inanimate vegetable. If I could, I'd make you queen tomorrow. That's how I remember it. Anyway, now it's in a book, so it must be true. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Welcome to the Crucible Theatre here in Sheffield.

I'm Hazel Irvine, like a human being created by Beatrix Potter. LAUGHTER Ronnie O'Sullivan has begun his quest for a record-breaking eighth World Snooker title, and I'm delighted to say he joins me now. How are you Ronnie? Awful. Can't wait for it to be over Hazel. It's just gonna be snooker, snooker, more snooker. Absolutely dreading it. You do have a famously ambivalent relationship with the game don't you Ronnie? Well I don't mind a little bit of snooker now and

again but two and a half weeks of it's solid. It's too much, Azel. So what do you think your chances are this year? Don't care. I imagine I'll win it because, you know, I'm loads better at snooker than anyone else, but if I do, I definitely won't enjoy it. So who do you see as your main challenger in this? What are you always talking about snooker for? There's not much to say, is there, about snooker. I mean, snooker, snooker, really.

You know what I mean? It's just snooker. Can't talk about something else other than snooker? I mean, snooker, snooker, really? You know what I mean? It's just snooker. Can I talk about something else? Like what? Semiotics. What? The study of signs and their use or interpretation? Okay. Alright. How come the symbol of a hand being held up with a palm facing you can be both a greeting and an instruction telling you to stop? That must have caused confusion, particularly in pre-linguistic societies, don't you think?

Absolutely, and perhaps our viewers might like to text in with their thoughts on that. Anyway, time now for some live action and it's Stuart Bingham versus Gary Wilson. So people at home are actually going to watch that match, are they? What, the whole match? That's right, yes. Well, I suppose that's one way of avoiding having to contemplate the horror of your own mortality, isn't it? Indeed it is. Now here's John Virgo. APPLAUSE the horror of your immortality in it. Indeed it is. Now here's John Virgo.

Yeah. APPLAUSE Welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg, Sunday brunch for people who never go out on a Saturday night. LAUGHTER Today I'm joined by the Chancellor, Jeremy Hunt. Mr Hunt, Jeremy, could you come over to the sofa? Ah, thank you.

I have to wait till I'm invited in, you see. LAUGHTER Chancellor, with the national financial landscape still looking bleak, how... Whoa, whoa, whoa, Laura. Hold those horses, Laura. Did you not see the great news, Laura? Inflation is falling, Laura. Do you see I'm saying your first name a lot, Laura?

To make me seem more approachable, Laura. I'm sorry. Inflation is falling, Laura. Do you see I'm saying your first name a lot, Laura? To make me seem more approachable, Laura. I'm sorry. Inflation is falling. Yes, the inflation is going down. Isn't it marvelous? So like deflation? What? Oh no, prices are still going up. But the going up is going down. If you catch my drift. I don't.

It's simple economics, Laura. Yes, everything's more expensive, but it's less more expensive. It's not as more expensive as it was when it was really more expensive. Although, yes, it is technically more expensive. That clear it all up for you? Well, I mean, falling inflation does feel like a contradiction in terms. So does the right Honourable Jeremy Hunt. Look, Laura, think of it like me.

I've been promoted to Chancellor in this government, which is rising. But I'm also in this current government. So I'm also falling into the pit of oblivion. I'm going up and down at the same time, which is a bit confusing, which is why my head bobbles like a broken Pez dispenser. Sorry, my time here is up and down. Goodbye and hello. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley and this is Just One Thing, where each episode will explore

just one thing you can do to improve your health and wellbeing. Now there's been lots of talk in the news lately about smoking bans, so if you're trying to quit, why not try a displacement activity? Something to distract you and keep those itchy fingers busy. Now, you could try a spot of Tai Chi, or knitting, or why not dust off your secateurs, slip on some gargling gobs and start a marijuana farm. You'll find that few activities are more mindful than cultivating one's own premium grade jazz cabbage. If I ever find myself craving something naughty like a can of Shuri Pop, I simply nip into my professionally blacked out fully infrared lit continuously ventilated secret garage

ganja farm, say hello to Sonam and Chengiz my security chaps and ride out my craving with a five minute prune of my precious precious giggle weeds and it can be a tremendously creative enterprise too you can experiment with creating your own strain I hate to be a best in Bertie but the local six formers have been going bananas for my latest hybrid Dr. Michael's OG bonkers brain sherbet. Anyway, try it for yourself. Join me next time when I'll be seeing if I can stave off dementia by setting up an underground cockfighting club.

Cheerio. People of Britain, this is your rail replacement bus service Prime Minister. Today I'm announcing plans to ramp up Britain's defence spending to 2.5% of GDP by the end of the decade. Now, some of you may point out that under Boris Johnson, there was a record fall in the number of British soldiers. But that's just the Tory way. We march them up to the top of the hill, sack them, march them down the hill, rehire them, then march them up again. I myself have been on a war footing for a long time.

When I'm traveling around the country in my big helicopter, I often stick Rider the Valkyries on and go, full apocalypse now as I pretend to napalm Swindon. I only pretend now, don't want to get ahead of myself with my manifesto pledges. People ask me where I'm going to get all this extra money from, but I've got the perfect plan. I'm going to ring the Governor of the Bank of England at three in the morning saying I'm trapped in a house with very bad people and no trousers,

and tell him to send me 75 billion quid ASAP. Or I could just ask the wife for an advance on my allowance. (*audience laughs and applauds*) (*upbeat music*) BBC Radio 2 You are back with Ryland on Radio 2. Now with her new show, Renovation Rescue, about to start on Channel 4, I'm so excited to have one of my absolute besties back on the show, Stacy Solomon. Hump, hump.

Babes, I know how you're into home sprucing. Oh my god, I love a spruce, babes. So, you okay babes? Yeah, I'm okay babes, you okay babes? I'm so okay babes, are you okay babes? I'm so okay babes, you okay babes? I'm okay babes, stop! Why? What's wrong babes?

Stacey, we are not wasting another interview and I could be hearing all about your amazing home sprucing. Asking each other if we're okay babes. Well, I am okay babes, but no, you're right. We're not doing that babes No, we are not babe. No, no totally 100% not doing that babe. We are not doing it babe No, we're so not doing it babe. No way babe. No way babe. And we're out of time again Baka and we were so close, darling. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. In cinemas now, the latest blockbuster in the Fast and Furious franchise, starring Jason Statham. I'm confused.

Does that matrix sign mean we're allowed to drive in a hard shoulder, or we absolutely must not drive in the hard shoulder. And Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Wait a minute. I just realized something. There is no goddamn hard shoulder. It's Fast and Furious Smart Motor Rays. Fast and Furious Smart Motor Rays is delayed under further notice.

We tried to film it, but it's a smart motor ray, so none of the cameras are working. (*audience laughs and applauds*) Chapter four. (*audience laughs*) Apparently, according to the cabinet secretary, I was the very first prime minister to ever use the phrase,

"'Amazeballs' inside number 10. Result! And that's the end of that chapter. Epylog, and Liz lived happily ever after off her massive book royalties, 13 pounds and 71 pence. I know. I know! Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Cody Darla, Joe Topping, Angela Channel, Sarah Dempster and Peter Toulouche. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Deer.