Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 31st May

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

As always, the team treat all the political parties with equal contempt. With writing from Tom Jamieson, Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon and Cody Dahler.A BBC Studios Audio ProductionProducer: Bill Dare Exec Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Design: Rich Evans

BBC Sounds Music Radio Podcasts who's tried to hide hush money paid to a porn star to stop her going to the press to blab about the affair they started with her just after the birth of their fifth child by their third wife. The question the whole world wants answered now is, am I still running? Of course I'm running. Me and fake Melania have just got as far as Tijuana, just across the Mexico border. We've got money, guns, and fake passports. She's Gloria Estefan, and I'm Julio Iglesias. This is Far From Over. I like Tijuana, you get good belts. Dead Ringers! You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Emma Barnett.

Can't believe I'm here. LAUGHTER The election campaign started in earnest this week. Rishi Sunak criss-crossed the country talking to ordinary people, meeting, greeting and flinching. LAUGHTER He joins me now. Oh, it's awful, Emma.

I'm being forced to do these terrible plebby things day after day. Rishi rides on a train, Rishi kicks a ball. It's like I'm inside the Ladybird book from hell. The dissolution of this parliament signals the end of many distinguished parliamentary careers and Matt Hancock's. After 27 years, Theresa May is leaving the Commons. Mrs. May, good morning.

It's lovely to be here, Nick. Most MPs with a career as long as yours have many happy memories to look back on. Do they? LAUGHTER Those poor people with their happy memories. Thankfully, I have no happy memories. Do you remember my Brexit vote humiliations?

Almost losing an election to Jeremy Corbyn of all people. My voice being reduced to an inaudible croak during the most crucial speech of my life. It's no wonder my retirement present was a watch with Edouard Monk's scream on the dial pointing at the hour of my death. So in answer to your question, Nick, no happy memories. Just unending soul-crushing misery.

I'll miss it terribly. Also departing the Commons is Michael Gove. Free at last, lovely to be here Emma. So Mr Gove, what are your plans now? Well after decades spent in the Commons backstabbing and double dealing, I think you'll understand that now I just want to spend time with my family, backstabbing and double dealing. I think you'll understand that now I just want to spend time with my family backstabbing and double dealing them for a change. And what does the future hold work wise? Sadly like most middle-aged men who retire I'll discover my skills are no longer relevant and all I'll be offered is the most demeaning spirit crushing work.

Your own show on GB News. Precisely. Start on Monday, goovy, goovy, goodbye. And we have breaking news of another senior Tory standing down who joins me now. Hi there Emma, it's good to be with you. Who is she, Sunak again? You're standing down as an MP. Well that's right, after careful consideration I've taken the tough and totally selfless decision to cut and run before I do a portillo on election night. But you're the Prime Minister, don't you have a responsibility to the country? But I've already been Prime Minister for six, seven, eight, twelve Liz Trusses, I've suffered

enough. Meanwhile her Lib Dem election stunt with Ed Davy on a paddleboard went dangerously wrong when he fell into Lake Windermere. Luckily the sewage broke his fall. Green Party leader Caroline Lucas has finally been told by the BBC what she has to do to be invited on to Question Time. Change her name by deed poll to Nigel Farage. Both Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan were on this week's Question Time. Presumably the other two horsemen of the apocalypse were busy. Manchester police announced it would be taking no action against Angela Rayner over claims

she'd cheated the HMRC on the sale of her council house. Angela Rayner joins us now. That's what happens when you take on a straight talking northerner from the north who just happens to be northern, you poncy southern gits. Have you been in contact with HMRC? Yep, hang on. I've just moved up to number 146 in the queue. The rest of your party must be delighted for you.

Too right. Oh, you should have seen Keir Starmer's face when he heard I was in the clear and that I'd be at his side for the next five years. There were tears running down his cheeks. Tears of joy. Oh, without a doubt, Nick. Then I told him that I'd gone public,

saying I see no reason why Diane Abbott shouldn't stand as a Labour MP and those tears turned into a torrent. Angela Rayner's comments added to the sense of chaos regarding the suspension of Diane Abbott. Ms. Abbott being first told she was being allowed back into the party and once again she was a Labour MP but an MP barred from standing at the next election

only to be told that then she wasn't barred from standing but that she didn't have a seat which she claimed meant she was barred from standing at the next election only to be told that then she wasn't barred from standing but that she didn't have a seat which she claimed meant she was barred. Can you blame Diane for drinking on the train? I'd be free-basing Moscow mules by now. To clear this up I'm joined by the Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer. Well it's very simple we're both welcoming Diane back into the party and wishing her well as she departs it. LAUGHTER Diane Abbott is the Schrodinger's cat of Labour.

LAUGHTER Both in and out of the party at the same time. LAUGHTER Isn't this a very shabby way to treat the country's first female Black MP? No, no, it's firm but fair. And Diane may be given a Labour seat to contest, but she just needs to jump through a few more hoops. Another anti-Semitism awareness course.

No, actual hoops. West Street is just hung some up from the ceiling there. With a decent tailwind and a good run-up, I don't see why Diane couldn't manage it. At a rally on Wednesday night, Diane Abbott tore into the Labour leadership. She joins me now on the line. That's right Nick.

I made it clear to the people of Hackney that I will stand by them come what may. Keith Stammer has shamelessly turned his back on the most important Labour traditions. You mean protecting workers' rights? No, losing elections. Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock and of course Jeremy. All understood how to lose elections but now Starmer wants to disgrace the party like Blair did by actually winning power at sickening. The government announced plans to reintroduce national

service. It came to an end in 1960 so the only people who have experienced it are now in their 80s. I will never forget my time in the regiment. Our sergeant major was a brute of a man who tortured me on a daily basis with his poor diction and split infinitives. One day out on patrol we came under fire from some very nasty local children with a slingshot outside a tea shop in Eccles. We lost some good fondant fancies that day and a Gary Baldi that didn't make it home. With just over a month to polling day the Conservatives still have to find over a hundred candidates. It's a bit like Squid Game, but less humane. Despite there still being three people under 25 planning to vote for them,

the Tories also announced plans to scrap one in eight poor value university courses. That's over 25%, said one recent maths graduate. Business news now and billionaire Larry Connor has vowed to spend 20 million dollars on a new submersible to see the Titanic. Fellow billionaire Elon Musk joins me on the line. I'm furious. I will sue him for breach of copyright. It is I who do the stupid things. This is my trademark. I will send down a submersible to the bottom of the ocean right away to spoil his plans. You've developed a submersible? No, it's a Tesla with the windows closed.

That's insane. Who on earth would be mad enough to pilot a Tesla truck to the bottom of the ocean? Here you called? Ed Davey! I've submerged myself in the waters of Windermere. The bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean should be a doddle. Meanwhile, the Pope has been accused of using a gay slur. A Vatican spokesman joins me now. Chill out babes.

It's all good here. The Pope is my bro, he's my ride or die. Ryland, you work at the Vatican? Too bloody right, girl. You've seen this place more blinged up with as many gaudy statues of cherubs as all them East End saunas combined. Plus babes, it's stuffed wall to wall by Italian hunks in fancy frocks.

It's like the best gay club in the universe. Royal Mail has accepted a £5 billion takeover bid. It reassured customers services won't change, with 96% of first-class mail still being delivered the next day and 82% of second-class males still being thrown in the canal. This looks like the end. The Daleks have finally trapped us. Can't you do something doctor? It's too late you cannot escape the Daleks. We have the superior numbers. I am Dalek Zek. I am Dalek Khan. And I'm like Ryan. Ryan? You don't look like a Dalek. Ryan is our new recruit, part of our new national service scheme.

Laughter We plugged the holes in our troop numbers by conscripting 17 year olds to join the Dalek army. They'll never work. Incorrect! This is a plan with no drawbacks. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Go on, Ryan, say the line! Don't want to.

Say it, or we will find your parents! Ugh, so lame! Ugh, exterminate! Hey, come on, listen to me, Ryan. You're not evil like them. Join me and Ruby and travel through time and space. Yeah, you want to see the inside of the TARDIS, don't you, Ryan? God no! No one likes that baby stuff anymore.

I watch Fallout and Amazon Prime. But you liked the episodes with the Daleks in, didn't you, Ryan? Oh, you rubbish monsters. The Borg like much better! EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE! You vaporised him! What are you going to tell his mum? That Ryan died in a good cause! So that us elderly Daleks can enjoy the Triple Lock Pension Plus Guarantee! Accumulate! Accumulate!

You're listening to Jeremy Vine. Sometimes the downer won't pass. Until the upper kicks in! With me is Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves. Miss Reeves, you've got all these things you want to do but you've also committed to not raising national insurance or income tax. Is that sustainable? Oh, Jeremy, I think there's been a bit sup. These are campaign promises. No one's actually expecting us to do these things.

I'm afraid they are. What? What, they actually think we're gonna do this stuff? I'm afraid they are. What? What they actually think we're going to do this stuff? Are they complete idiots? You claim you're going to pay for the spending by having the highest growth in the G7. The highest growth in the G7? But that's not even in our control. It's a comparative measure. By definition it's dependent on outside variables. I can't believe anyone's taking this nonsense seriously. Miss Reeves, are you telling me that you don't mean anything you say? I'm saying the only promise I've got any hope for is to be marginally less crap than the last lot.

At this point we'll take it. Oh easy Jeremy, it's only a campaign promise, I'm not saying we'll keep it. No, no, no, let me speak. Welcome to my brand new pubcast, Big Niges, Big British Values. Right, now the loony left have criticised me for saying Muslims don't share British values. But that's not racist. I even asked my Muslim mate Parish about it, and he said he didn't care. I mean, technically he's a Hindu. And he's less of a mate and more my ex-wife's divorce solicitor, but the point still stands!

Anyway, let me clarify. I didn't mean the boring old traditional values like democracy, tolerance, liberty and respect. I meant proper British values, you know, over boiling sprouts until they're legally a smoothie. Drinking ale, the temperature of a recently used jacuzzi. Hating Meghan Markle but you can't quite put your finger on why. Telling people your new GP is Pakistani but he seems nice.

Asking young barmaids deeply inappropriate questions knowing full well they can't walk away. Real British principles. Right that's that cleared up. So I'm off anyway. Laura love mine's a pint of best. Oh and I meant to ask what's the oldest bloke you've ever had it off with? Asking for a friend. Asking for a friend! Laughter Applause Phone ringing

You have reached Jeremy Corbyn Independent MP and always on the right side of history Please leave a message Hello, Oliver Dowden here I'm actually the Deputy Prime Minister as you may know Don't blame me if you didn't. I didn't. Well here's the thing Mr Corbyn. I have about nine days to fill 160 vacancies for Conservative candidates for the election. Bit of a panic if I'm honest.

Wondered if you'd be interested. After all, like us, you hate the Labour Party. And also like us, you've made it your life's work to stop them from forming a government. So, ring me back if you're interested. I'll throw in a pair of bicycle clips. Bye! BBC Radio 4 And now it's time for The Afternoon Theatre, BBC Radio 4. And now it's time for the Afternoon Theatre, a brand new production of the Beckett classic Waiting for Godot.

And in the interest of political balance during this election campaign, the part of Estragon will be played by Theresa May and the part of Vladimir will be played by Ed Miliband. Let's go. We can't. Why not? We're waiting for Godot. Oh. He didn't say for sure he'd come. And if he doesn't come?

Then we'll come back tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and so on, and so on. Hello everyone. What? Godot here. Sorry I'm late, I was just doing another Lib Dem stunt. I'm sorry, but Godot isn't supposed to turn up. Oh, but he has to, otherwise the Lib Dems won't have a part. And you've got to have political balance. Come on everyone!

Who are all these people? it's the cast of cats they represent all the minor parties I've always thought Godot lacked sequence high kicks and show tunes come on shall we go yes let's go they do not move You're not supposed to read out the stage directions. Hi there, and welcome to OnlyFans. I'm your digital assistant, and I'm here to help you find the adult content creator that'll get you hot and steamy.

Please select from our list of gorgeous creators who are waiting to excite you. Hello. Thanks for choosing Sakir Starmer's OnlyFans page. As you know, I've promised not to raise national insurance or income tax if I get into power. So instead, I'm raising cash by getting you hot under the collar. For every donation, you'll get a personalised cheeky glimpse at one of my sultry policies.

Look, here are my six steps. Donate now and I might reveal a tempting little glimpse of step one. Ah, thank you Doggy Style 1993 for your £10 donation. Send me another £20 and I will coquettishly reveal a pair of massive proposals for closing tax loopholes on private schools. Are you excited? I certainly am. Oh I'm getting hot. Are you gonna need to dig a little deeper into your pockets? Hunkatron underscore 85. That's more like it. Now keep the cash flowing if you want to see me take off the front cover of my manifesto And show you labor's detailed prospectus for a sustained macroeconomic recovery with entirely controlled fiscal parameters

Looks like we will be the country with the largest growth in the G7. Hello there. I'm here today with an important message for you, the elderly of Great Britain. Now you might be a little startled to see Michael Parkinson on your television sets, what with me being dead and all, but don't worry because all of this is being done with AI. I may look and sound like the much missed chat show host, but I am in fact Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. You see, having announced a raft of policies designed to appeal to people like you, I've now decided to go the whole hog and turn myself into some Michael Parkinson. Because you liked him, didn't you? Whereas you can't stand the sight of me.

And the elderly friendly policies don't end there. I'm also announcing a ban on all mustards other than Coleman's. Box sets of Flog It will be available on prescription and Richard Osmond will be legally compelled to produce a new cos cozy murder mystery novel on a weekly basis. Oh blast! The AI stopped working! I knew we shouldn't have given away the contract to that bloke Matt Hancock met down the pub. Well anyway, please support your conservative candidate at the upcoming election and And remember, you get a free Parker pen just for voting. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BEEPING Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby Blobby, we at the Conservative Party are big fans of yours.

After all, your combination of clownish clumsiness and incomprehensible bluster is exactly the kind of thing that got Boris elected in 2019. And we're very much not scraping the barrel here. How would you like to stand as the Conservative Party candidate for Nottingham South? Blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby! There's no need for that language. APPLAUSE MUSIC Welcome to Newsnight, I'm Kirsty Warrick.

Move it up, down, left, right, oh, switch it up like Nintendo. Say you can't sleep, baby, I know, that's that me espresso, more on that story later. As speculation about the election results heats up, joining me now is everyone's favourite election expert, Professor Sir John Curtis. Pleasure to be here as always. Now can you take us through the latest polling numbers? Well they're very interesting, Kirsty, very interesting indeed and we can draw quite a clear conclusion from them. Oh really, what's that? Well the numbers, Kirsty, are saying that the next

Prime Minister is going to be me. I'm sorry you're not even an MP so that's not possible. Oh believe me it's possible. Do you want to know what else the numbers say? Okay. 98% of women in marginal seats think John Curtis is sex on legs. Right I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. I know stop it John let's get you back to the Strathclyde University where you belong. Professor Chris Witty what are you doing here? I'm sorry about this, because Sir John's had too much airtime. He's gone mad with the power. 30% of my pie charts are capable of flight!

And sleep. He'll be out for hours. Well, thank you very much, Sir Chris. It's my pleasure. I must say it's nice to be back on air. Maybe I'll get my slides. Do you want to see my slides? No, no, thank you. You do, don't you? You do. I'll get my slides. Do you want to see my slides? No, no thank you that won't be... You do don't you? You do I will get my slide. Next slide please, next slide please. No, no, no, no for God's sake, for God's sake somebody call Jonathan Van Tam.

Welcome to Springwatch with me, the king of the badgers. Now it's this time of year that all kinds of species come out of their hibernation, but that is the most dangerous time for them. Now look at this little hedgehog. He's just waking up from his long slumber, uncurling himself from his little bowl, and he's just about to venture out of his little burrow and get some food to replenish his body weight. But he can be very vulnerable. So let's just hope that he can actually... Oh no! Oh, that is a shame. He's just been selected to be the Tory candidate for Norfolk East. You're watching Sky News with me, Kay Burley. Miss Trunchbull if she did pilates.

Rishi Sunak's National Service plan has been widely criticised. With us is Chancellor Jeremy Hunt. Hello, Kay. Mr Hunt, you don't think young people will see this policy as yet another example of the Government working against their interests? Not at all. They will enjoy the service. It will develop them. With time, I think they will come to long for their national national service as they might for a juicy hamburger or a tasty neck. Did you just say neck? No. Returning to mandatory national service, something

abolished in 1960, is it not a bit draconian? Draconian, as in shaped by the teachings of the Dark Lord Dracula. No, no, as in strict. Yes, of course. Well, no on both counts. Do you get it? Counts. Just a little humour. I hardly know His Highness. But wouldn't you feel insulted by this policy if you were young? What do you mean if? I'll have you know I'm barely into my seventh century. How about your pardon?

Nothing, bye. APPLAUSE Welcome to Great Railway Journeys with me, Michael Portillo. Painfully colourful clothes, joyously black heart. You join me on the Ravenglass and Eskdale railway line as I look out through the window at the landscape. I see the most beautiful, deep bright orange of the sunset and oh no sorry that's just the reflection of my face. On today's journey I need to be particularly watchful. That's because there are a lot of Conservative MPs retiring at the next election.

And they're all coming after my plum job, where I get paid to sit in a train carriage and seem not nearly as unpleasant as I was when in government. And here they come. They've raided Naheem Zahawi's heated stables for horses. They're closing in on my train at great speed. Forgive me while I get my trusty shotgun from my Gladstone bag and pick off a few. Ah, good outcome there.

I've dispatched Dominic Raab, Sir John Redwood, and Dame Andrea Ledsom. And as for Sir Graham Brady, I'm delighted to say I plugged him right in the Bradshaw's. So it seems my precious place in the BBC2 schedules is completely... Oh dear. A poisoned art has lodged in my neck, and I'm fast losing consciousness. I appear to have been outwitted by a sly and devious fellow, Tori.

Welcome to Govie Govie Govie's Twithy Train Trips. This week, I'll be in Taunton being not so nearly as horrible as you remember me being. While admiring some local pottery. Oh hang on, who's that boarding the train in a salmon fedora? Matt Hancock? Oh crap. Hello, you've reached Kevin Iceberg. The lettuce who beat Liz Truss. Please leave a message after the tone.

Hello, Oliver Dowden here. Just wondering if you'd consider standing as a candidate for the Conservative Party. I know the election's not for another 34 days and you'll probably be past your sell-by date by then, but don't worry we're already years past ours. Dead Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Neve Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Coles, Rob Dark, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon and Cody Darla. It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4 and the producer

and creator was Bill Deer. She needs to see this. She needs to see Paddington too, apparently, so keep it brief. Nobody, comma, in the country, comma, can access any of their money. Full stop. Money Gone, a new fast-paced satirical thriller from BBC Radio 4. What does everyone need in a zombie apocalypse? Baseball bats. Hell's kids.

A world in crisis. He's signalling to us. He might need help. Yeah, he could be a hijacker for all we know. Baseball bats. Hells kids. A world in crisis. He's signalling to us. He might need help. Yeah, he could be a hijack for all we know. Look at him. After our petrol or our bodies. How thin are the barriers between civilization and chaos when no one can access their money? I am a law abiding citizen.

I haven't done anything. This is it now. They have started the cult. Your money's gone. Because you're redundant now. I don't need you. Who doesn't need me? The powers that be! Money Gone. Available on BBC Sounds.

It's the great reset.