Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 3rd May

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

The winners and losers in England's elections and the SNP Scottish leadership race, and what will Harry Kane do with his golden shoe?With writing from Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Cody Dahler, Joe Topping, and Alex Bertulis-Fernandes. With additional material by Katie Sayer and Christopher Donovan.Exec: Pete Strauss Sound Design: Rich Evans Prod Co-Ordinator: Dan Marchini Producer: Bill Dare

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate.

It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, you've reached the office of Sakir Starmer. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now, but I'm having a hair gelling session with Michael Heseltine. If you're a Tory MP wanting to defect to Labour, please state your name clearly after the tone.

Rishi Sunak. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you say Fishy Lerpak? No, Rishi Sunak. I heard Rishi Sunak. You wish to defect to Labour. Is that correct? Yes. OK. Please state your reasons for defecting to Labour.

Erm... Press 1 for the disastrous local election results. Press 2 for the disastrous blackball by-election result. Press 3 for trashing the economy. Oh, definitely. I haven't finished. LAUGHTER Press 4 for migrant f the economy. Oh, definitely. I haven't finished. Plus four for migrant fiasco, plus five for reform party,

plus six for... Hang on, this is not an automated voice. No, it's not. They tried putting in an automated voice, but it was a bit too lively. Oh, well, can I defect? Oh, with your wealth of experience in high office, I'm not going to need someone like you.

So I take mine white with two sugars and Angela has hers black with a tonic tea cake on the side. Thank you. You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Michelle Hussein. Results for the local elections in England are still coming in. Labour was hoping to take control of 13 councils. The Lib Dems were hoping to take control of seven. And the Conservatives were hoping they'd still exist at the end of the night.

Jeremy Hunt joins us now. Mr Hunt, where are you? Here I am, Nick. In the shadows. Waiting. So, judging from the results so far, it looks as though the Conservatives have done badly. Oh well, we can only hope so, Nick. Sorry?

Well, yes, because if things only go badly, that means they've gone well. It does? Yes. Did you not hear how we tempered expectations? If we do badly, we've done well. To do badly, we'd have to do terribly. And to do terribly, we'd have to do disastrously. Right, so these results might actually be okay.

Oh, God, no. I'd never be so presumptive as to say that. To do okay, we'd have to do brilliantly. To do brilliantly, we'd have to do exceptionally. To do exceptionally, we'd have to rig things in our favour by forcing people to bring photo ID cards. There are reports of several people being turned away from the polling stations and one of them joins me now.

I'm good, Ed Michelle. Ed Davey? They wouldn't let you vote? Yeah, but I brought my passport, my bus pass, Dennis the Menace fan club card, Holland and Barrett loyalty card, and a mug with world's best Lib Dem leader on it, but they still haven't heard of me.

Oh dear, that's terrible. No, I'm gutted. So was my wife. She said, I can't believe they didn't recognise you, Ernest. It's been a tumultuous week in Scottish politics, one that shocked our Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, joins us from his bunker under number 10. I am appalled, Michelle.

How can the SNP be so contemptuous of the voters that they actually think replacing one unelected leader for another in the middle of a parliament is OK? Oh, so you're demanding an election straight away? Well we seem to have lost Mr Sunak and speaking of politicians we've lost, Scotland's former First Minister and depressed cartoon bear, Humza Yousaf, joins us now on the line. It's so easy for the press to focus on the negatives, Michelle. Like, my total and complete humiliation. But remember, I promised the Scottish

people independence and I delivered them total independence from me. Much of the blame for your downfall has been placed on Scotland's disastrous hate crime legislation which resulted in the police being deluged with fake vexatious complaints. You may call them vexatious complaints, but I say the concerns of Hugh Jass and Ben Dover, they're as valid as any others. Meanwhile in America, the South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, widely tipped to be Donald Trump's running mate, has been forced to explain why she shot and killed her dog. It was only fair.

He wouldn't roll over, beg or play dead. And if I have to learn to do that to be Trump's VP, why shouldn't he? Washington insiders say Noem is a controversial choice, both as Trump's vice president and as the new host of For the Love of Dogs on ITV. Donald Trump's trial continues in New York. The judge agreed to excuse Trump from the courtroom on Thursday as it was his son Barron's graduation and Trump wanted to spend the day banging a hooker in a motel room off Interstate 49. Before that, Trump was fined $9,000 for contempt of court after breaching a gag order. Gag order violation is so, so wrong because my favorite Stormy Daniels movie film is Gag

Order Violation 2. order violation two. Crooked judge keeps yelling very rude things to me like order. Contempt of court and wake up Mr. Trump, you're drooling again. Very bad. Pro-Palestine protests continue to sweep across United States university campuses. President Biden has pleaded for calm. My fellow young Americans, I understand you want to protest but shucks try sticking some flowers in your hair and singing some of those new Beatles records. Let's end this division and unite behind a shared goal, to bring our boys back from Vietnam.

A survey of pop stars has revealed the thing they fear most in 2024 is being cancelled. This happens when they post something inappropriate on social media or book a gig at Manchester's new co-op arena. Taylor Swift's latest album, The Tortured Poets Department, has topped the UK charts. She joins us on the line. Ms. Swift, you've released yet another album about the breakdown of a past relationship. Some critics claim you exploit your relationships. I'm sorry.

I don't think this is working out. No, I hate to do this, but I have to end our time together. But we're not in a relationship. No, no, we're not, not anymore. And you can hear how I feel about it on my next album, the Tortured Bold Today presenters department. Russell Brand has announced he's converted to Christianity and is being baptized in the River Thames.

Quick everyone, flush your toilets. Finally running off human waste into the Thames is of the public interest. A 13-year-old boy found a rare Lego piece washed up on a beach in Cornwall. The boy was delighted, but in a statement, his dad said, ah, my foot, who left this here? A newly discovered papyrus scroll dating AD79

reveals that philosopher Plato may have spent his last few hours listening to a Thracian slave girl playing the flute. And I'm joined now on the line by an eyewitness who, sorry that can't be right, he claims he was actually there with Plato that very evening. You bet I was, Michelle. I remember it well because it was the year I first began to turn grey. Finally, the first person from the UK was deported to Rwanda this week in a separate scheme to the planned flights later in the year.

The person chose to go voluntarily. We can talk to them now. Hi Nick! Kigali calling! Liz Truss, you have been deported to Rwanda. I know! How wacky is that? So why did you choose to do this? Rishi told me what a great country it is. Plus they offered me 3,000 smackeroonies which is like ten times what I've made from my book. Hashtag winning at life. So how is Rwanda? Well I've only been here a few hours but I've already crashed

the central bank and spilled my pina colada triggering a tsunami alert. Jokes! So guess what? They're deporting me back to Britain. Result? No country is a safe country with the trustmeister on tour. I know! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're watching GB News.

Based on recent results, we're going to have a lot more presenters come the general election. Now it's time for Lee Anderson's Real World. All right, I'm Lee Anderson, MP. The M stands for most definitely not a, and the P stands for pence. Not that you can say that anymore without offending the vegans. This is a show where I sit in a pub with a guest, and we have an old-school chinwag about the big issues. Immigration, education, and why I got kicked out at Aldi for peeing on the French mustard while singing Robert Tanya.

LAUGHTER I ask you, what happened to free speech? Not that you can say that anymore without offending the triogas. In spirit of British sportsmanship, today I'm joined for a chat by the victorious Labour candidate in this week's Blackpool by-election, Chris Webb. Thank you. Here we go, typical lefty crap. I'm not sure I...

Think you're better than us, do you? And I'm just meant to sit here and listen to your Marxist ravings, not that you can say that anymore without offending the lesbians. Sorry, did I say something? That's enough from you Greta Thunberg. Reform UK is on March, we've taken seats from the Tories and your lot will be next. Not that you can say that anymore without offending the Zoroastrians. Shall I go? Ah, running scared because I'm our superior intellect, are you? I'll have you know, my pub quiz team, proper quiz team values, right? Finishing top 12 every week, even though we hardly Google anything. Just the entertainment round, because that's for women.

LAUGHTER And geography, because the quiz master doesn't accept us answering, I don't know, probably bloody bongo-bongo stand for every answer. LAUGHTER Not that you can say that anymore without offending the bulimics. LAUGHTER I'll just be... See you later. Ah, good riddance, you overgrown woke baby.

I hope you get hit by an electric bus. And there we have it, folks. Another sensible debate between grown-ups. LAUGHTER Weren't too hard, were it? Join us next week, where my guest is a broom handle that I get proper furious at for not having an agenda. Not that you can say that anymore without offending the mops.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Welcome to Football Focus, the show that interviews referees and visits lower league football grounds and is still somehow more boring than it sounds. As the top goalscorer so far this season, England's Harry Kane leads the race for the coveted European Golden Shoe. Yeah, of course, yeah. You know, being all football-focused, it's just a dream come true.

Yeah, well, it's just a dream come true. And then, yeah, it's... You know, it's one of those boring dreams where, like, you just, like, do the grout in or send a text message or something, and then, like, you wake up and you're like, wow, thanks a lot, subconscious. It's like one of them dreams come true. Yeah. Amazing. OK, so, Harry, how do you feel about the golden shoe?

Yeah, I don't really like it. You seen it? It's a massive chunky golden shoe thing it is. How am I supposed to score a penalty wearing that? Oh, yeah, no, I think it's just a trophy. You don't have to wear it. Oh, right, so like, what if the golden shoe, right, gives me magic powers? I don't want magic powers, Alex. And I read a book Oh right, so like, what if the golden shoe, right, gives me magic powers?

I don't want magic powers, Alex. And I read a book, right, recently, where like a giant chases a lad down a beanstalk for his golden egg, right? And I know a shoe's worth more than an egg, Alex. Well, I think so. I haven't done my own shopping for a while, to be fair. Harry, it's okay. So one minute, right, I'm scoring a load of goals, and the next, I'm in some giant's palm, and he's yelling, Fee-fie-foe-foo. I smell a bloke with a golden shoe.

It's terrifying. Can I sleep in your bed tonight, Mum? LAUGHTER I'm not your mum, Harry. Oh, yeah, of course not. I don't know. Harry Kane, thank you. Coming up next, Dion Dublin visits wolves.

Wolves? Run, Dion! I read a book recently about these three little pigfellas and it did not have a happy ending. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...

Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Frodo, young hobbit. What's wrong?

Gandalf, I'm scared. Fear not, young hobbit, what's wrong? Gandalf, I'm scared. Fear not, young Frodo. All we must do is run through the flaming gates of Gilithon, cross the frozen wastelands of Gonduin, before making our way through the spider-infested caves of Dillon and on to the noxious swamps of Ingerbatun. Gandalf, that sounds frightening and dangerous. Don't worry, the UK government says all these places are completely safe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're watching Sky News with me, Kay Burley, a Roald Dahl villain in a pencil skirt. The Labour Party has triumphed in last night's local elections and looks on course to form the next government. I'm joined by Sir Keir Starmer. Good morning, Kay. Should I call you Kay? Or would you prefer Muzzles Burley or Kay B, perhaps? Kay is fine. Oh, great, Kay. Should I call you Kay? Or would you prefer Muzburly or KB perhaps? Kay is fine.

Oh, great, great. I just wanted to check, you know, because right now I'm taking absolutely nothing for granted. So what's your reaction to the local election results? Can we be sure there were any local elections? And if there were, local to whom? Because what's local to you may not be local to me. And I'm taking nothing for granted.

But isn't the reality of it... What is reality, Kate? I may think I'm a human being in a TV studio, but what's to say this isn't a simulated version of reality? And I'm actually an ocelot in a jar. I'm taking nothing for granted. Sakiya, let's just try... I'm going to be the next Prime Minister.

What? What? What did you say? Er, nothing. What did you say? You said you were going to be the next Prime Minister. Yeah, oh, all right, yeah. OK, fine, obviously I'm going to be the next Prime Minister.

I'll take it out for granted. I don't care who knows it. Even I can't mess it up from here, surely. And that's your message to the British people, is it? You know what? I've got to treat myself. So, yes, that's exactly my message to the British people. The election's in the bag. I'm going to be PM. If you don't like it, you can suck on it.

Keir Starmer, thank you. Thank you. Although, of course, I'm taking nothing for granted. Thank you! Although of course I'm taking nothing for granted. One of the joys of my work as a naturalist is providing the voiceover for a wide variety of inspiring and educational wildlife documentaries. Let's see what new series is on my list for today. Oh wonderful. This sounds right up my alley. Baby Reindeer. How lovely. Let's make a start. Oh good grief,

what the bloody hell's going on? Why is he doing that? And why is she? And why are they both? And why is he going back? Oh no, don't do that. Oh, what's he doing? Why is he doing it twice? Then three times? Oh God, she's not going to, oh she has, and she's not going to. Oh, virtualise Bambi, virtualise. Save yourselves, baby reindeers. While you still can, it's too late for Sir David. Does anyone know the number of a good counsellor?

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'm Stacey Solomon and for years I've been followed round by a ghost that won't stop tickling me. This week on Sort Your Life Out I'm in Norfolk to help clear out some major clutter that's taken over a whole house. Here I go. I can hardly open the door. Oh, wow. I don't think I've ever seen a house this bad before. Floor to ceiling almost completely filled. You can barely move through all the books.

I know! I know! LAUGHTER These are all copies of my very own book. Isn't it amazing? Oh! It's so cool, isn't it? It's all part of my system. Oh, all right, Pickle. What's your system?

Well, all my books go on sale, and then I buy all those books and I store them here. Then I put them up for sale again and guess what I do next? Oh, do you buy all the books? Got it in one, sister! It's the perfect sustainable plan. Trustonomics, am I right?

And if that wasn't good enough, it would also shoot me right to the top of the book charts. One nil to the trustmeister. In your face, hungry caterpillar. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BBC Radio 4. Coming up later, it's feedback. All the people you blocked on Facebook years ago mourning about everything, rather than getting a life. Now here's Roger McGough with your poetry requests. Hello, Roger here. Still alive.

We start this week with a poem that Mrs Evans from Fife would- Roger, you have to hide me. Ian McMillan? What are you doing here? She won't leave me alone. She? Who are you talking about? There you are, Ian!

You crumpled English versifier! Hold up! Aren't you Taylor Swift? Correct. Is this the tortured poets department? Yes, although we call it poetry, please. Perfect. After I wrote about Dylan Thomas on my latest album, I've developed a new obsession. Scruffy, weather-beating British poets. I thought you were going out with that American football star.

I'm so over him. It's all British poets for me now, and the older and crumblier, the better. Ian, take me somewhere we can be alone. It'll never work between us, Taylor. You're a Hollywood A-list, and I'm co-op shopping list. You're the keto diet, and I'm yokes, your pud. You're the keto diet and I'm yokes your

puds with suet laden gravy. You're private jets and I'm the number 47 bus from won't be stopping at the garden center but not on Sundays and bad holidays. Say look we are never ever ever getting back together. No, Ian, I'll never stop loving you. Unless I can get another album out of our breakup. Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm so over you too now. Point me in the direction of John Cooper Clark.

Salford's that way. Oh, thank goodness she's gone. I hope I don't get a lot of flack from our listeners. Relax, my friend. The haters gonna hate, hate, she's gone. I hope I don't get a lot of flack from our listeners. Relax, my friend. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate. So shake it off, Roger McGough. of the apes franchise. Ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah! Hear me, my fellow apes! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Ape, alone, weak.

Apes, together! Ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Strong! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Someone coming! Oh, oh, oh, human, human! Ah, ah!

Ah, calm down, calm down. I'll come in peace. Speak, stranger! Who are you? I'm Lee Anderson, MP. I've come to join your monkey tribe. These humans are too caught up in their woke bollocks for me. I want to go back to old, traditional values. And what could be more traditional than an ape? It's the powerful story of two species coming together and then growing apart.

Mr Lee, I've had complaints from other apes. They say you have been throwing your feces at them from trees. You're telling me you can't fling your own turds at those you disagree with anymore. How woke is that? First, Lindsay Oil says I can't do it in Alshay Commons, and now you're saying I can't do it in the jungle? Mr Lee, it is best you go back to your human world. You are not yet evolved enough to join apes. Fine. Your loss will be Jurassic Park's gain.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You're back with today and fears that AI would be used APPLAUSE You're back with today, and fears that AI would be used in the election to create deep fakes of politicians saying things they never would were realised when a shocking video of Nigel Farage circulated online on polling day. It wasn't a deep fake, it was real. Someone spiked my drinks with non-alcoholic lager, and after my tenth pint of the muck, I started talking sense.

LAUGHTER Ozzy Osbourne this week joined the campaign to save the historic Crown Pub in Birmingham, the first venue Black Sabbath ever played. Tearing down that Brummie landmark would be a f***ing disgrace. You must have such memories of the pub. Oh, of course I f***ing do. LAUGHTER Memories of the pub. Oh, of course I do.

Memories of the Crown, Ozzy? Don't rush me. The Crown, Ozzy? Oh, yeah, the Crown. I love that show. You know, I auditioned to be Prince Philip, or was it Princess Margaret? But that might have been a dream. I was naked in the audition room. That wasn't a dream, Ozzy!

A gold pocket watch worn by the wealthiest passenger on the Titanic sold at auction this week for six times the asking price, fetching £900,000. Incredibly, we can now speak to its original owner. Salutations, Miss Michelle. Jacob Rees-Mogg, you were on the Titanic. Oh, indeed so. The watch must have dropped out of my waistcoat while I was pushing women and children off my lifeboat. LAUGHTER

Mr Rees-Mogg, if you really were on the Titanic, how does it feel looking back on that disaster? Oh, my dear lady, it's far too soon to call the Titanic a disaster. LAUGHTER We have to wait for all the enormous economic benefits to come through. Oh, my dear lady, it's far too soon to call the Titanic a disaster. LAUGHTER We have to wait for all the enormous economic benefits to come through. LAUGHTER In a mere thousand years, the Titanic and Brexit will be seen as two great British success stories.

LAUGHTER Music News Now and Kendrick Lamar's feud with Drake intensified after the release of a new diss track. This is said to be the worst showbiz beef since Alan Titchmarsh and Alan Bennett fell out over a stray fondant fancy in a tea shop in Ormskirk in 2003. My advice to Kendrick Lamar and Drake

is to bury the hatchet now before it's too late. Titchmarsh and I I didn't things only escalated Culminating one terrible night with a drive-by tut tutting that is still the talk of West York In politics George Galloway's Workers Party of Britain gained a new recruit salim alaikum peace be upon me This week we added cricket legend, Monte Panisar, to our list of exciting Workers' Party candidates, making him just the latest, well-meaning young person who hasn't read my manifesto properly. And now we've landed Monte who's next. Sally Gunnell, Duncan Goodhue? Eddie

the Eagle Edwards? Right, I must go. I've got to email Wayne Rooney about standing as MP in Barrow Bridge. Dear Rooney, please find manifesto attached, ignore the bit about Israel The manifesto attached, ignore the bit about Israel and the gays. Sorted. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE MUSIC PLAYS Oh, the unmistakable sound there of music. LAUGHTER

Great stuff. You're listening to the Jeremy Vine show. Now our discussion topic for today is, is there too much snooker on the television? Are you loopy about the sport or could you do with a break from it? We have our first caller on the line now. Ronald, what do you think? Yeah, there's way too much snooker on TV. It's Walter Wall on the BBC at the moment. It's ridiculous.

Sorry, is that Ronnie O'Sullivan? Yeah, is it? Well, rack me up and pop me sideways. This is unbelievable. So Ronnie, why do you of all people think there's too much snooker? Who cares? I don't want to talk about snooker. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Even talking about how there's too much snooker is talking about snooker. What's the point talking about snooker? A monkey could talk about snooker. It's just snooker. I actually

called in to suggest a different topic. And what's that? You know, what's the most evocative bird song in the UK? Now, for me, I'd have to say the Eurasian Chaffinch, because... Oh, hang on, hold on a minute, mate. Sorry... LAUGHTER Are you playing snooker at the moment?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I am actually currently playing in the quarterfinals of the Snooker World Championships, but I was hoping we could have a chat, you know, about how the uplifting, cheery two- or three- note rattling of the chaff inch connects me and Aja more than the admittedly beautiful song of the sky like. That's a bit more interesting to me, a snooker, you know what I mean? Oh hang on. Hang on, I think I've just been knocked out by Stuart Bingham. Oh no! Ronnie, I'm so sorry, How are you feeling? This may be the happiest moment of my life. Dear Dringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jensen, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Combs, Sarah Campbell, Rob Dark, Edward Chiu, Sophie Dixon, Cody Darla, Joe Topping, and Alex Matulis Fernandez, with additional material by Katie Sayre and Christopher Donovan. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4, and the producer and creator was Bill Deer. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] So dare.

Every sport has their big juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomegate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget.

Broomgate, available now.