Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers – 9th December

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

BBC Radio 4 has a new owner, Woman’s Hour has a new host, and David Beckham gets an unusual new role. Find out what all this can be about on all new Dead Ringers.Performed by Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Duncan Wisbey, Naomi McDonald and Anil Desai.Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Sarah Campbell, Tom Coles and Ed Amsden, James Bugg, Toussaint Douglass, Robert Darke, Sophie Dickson and Edward Tew.Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Hi, Hugh Dennis here, just after a moment of your time

before you listen to the Friday Night Comedy podcast. A sense of belonging, a good night's sleep, a feeling of safety. Everything starts with home. But not everyone has one. By supporting the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal with St Martin-in-the-Fields, you can help change that. This year, the St Martin's charity has already supported thousands of people to find a safe place to call home,

and your gift can help ensure that this vital work continues. Please support the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal with St Martin-in-the-Fields by donating online on the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal with St Martin-in-the-Fields by donating online on the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal website. Everything starts with home, and this Christmas, home can start with you. Enjoy your podcast. Dead ringers. APPLAUSE You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson... And Martha Carney. ..the headlines. Indonesia has passed a new law banning sex outside marriage for both locals and tourists.

In other news, Boris Johnson has cancelled his Christmas trip to Bali. Far-right groups in Germany have been arrested after they planned to storm Parliament and install an unelected aristocrat as leader. A government spokesman called the plan horrifying. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg described it as... Perfectly sensible. Angela Rayner has been criticised for DJing at a charity rave. In the House of Commons, she made this statement.

I do not feel I undermine the dignity of my job as an MP in any way. If you agree, put your hands up in the air, then wave them like you just don't care. The World Cup in Qatar is well underway, 832 players all taking care not to hug each other too tightly after scoring just in case. Qatar was a controversial choice to host the event due to its poor human rights record.

The kingdom even faced fresh accusations of torture this week, but that just turned out to be Chesney Hawks performing at half-time. There was surprise too at Morgan Freeman's appearance in the opening ceremony. He joins me now. Are you concerned you'll be ostracised for taking the Qatari money? Of course not. I'm Morgan Freeman. People hear my voice and they simply can't stay mad at me.

I find that pretty hard to believe. Hang on, did you just take my Radio 4 croissant? Yes, I did. I took it because I'm Morgan Freeman. Well, that's fine then. Why don't you have my coffee as well? Damn, he's good. Wales made it to the World Cup finals for the first time in 60 years. First Minister Mark Drakeford joins me now.

I'm sure you have nothing but praise for their spirit. Maybe the old me would have, but since I lost my temper in the Welsh Assembly that time, I'm Mr Angry. Losing to Iran, getting thumped by England, I'm furious. I'm incandescent with rage. If I had to describe my disappointment in geographical terms,

I'd say it's roughly the size of Wales. Back in Westminster, Baroness Michelle Moan lost the Tory whip as anger grew over Medpro's PPE contracts. Michael Gove joins me now. No, no, Martha. That company went through all the usual rigorous VIP vetting procedures to receive the contract. Only set up a few weeks beforehand? Check. No track record supplying PPE? Check. The only red flag was that it wasn't owned by someone who used to work in Matt Hancock's local,

but I was willing to overlook that just this once. They received a £200 million contract and not a single gown they supplied was used. Admittedly, the gowns were useless at protecting our NHS heroes from Covid, but they were perfect if they fancied a night out on the town, off-the-shoulder glamour with a plunging neckline that really shows off your curves. We've still got 18,000 of them if you fancy one. No, thank you. And other news now, and the government have proposed opening the first new coal mine in 30 years. Arthur Scargill joins me now.

I am looking forward to my men going back down pit, proudly putting on their helmets and donkey jackets, picking up their axes then, immediately putting them down again and going on strike. Matt Hancock's pandemic diaries were released in which he claims it was the staff who brought Covid into care homes in 2020. And you'll find that on sale in the fiction section of All Good Bookstores.

EDF has apologised to a family of four in Kent after they wrongly received a bill for a year's energy supply for £1 million. The company says they've now sent out the correct bill for £2 million. and he says they've now sent out the correct bill for two million pounds. Coming soon to Netflix. You've seen Harry and Meghan. But now, an even more explosive documentary

will bring shame to the royal family like never before. I only came for a marmalade sandwich. But I left humiliated. It's Paddington Bear, malice in the palace. For the first time ever, Paddington reveals what really happened that day. One of the royals kept asking me where I was from.

And I eventually told him I'm an orphaned bear who arrived from darkest Peru in a lifeboat, they just reported me to the Home Office. Including heartfelt confessions. They asked me if I knew Winnie the Pooh, as if all bears know each other. I just said yes. But Paddington is determined to come

out fighting. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people putting labels on me. People of Britain, this is your supply Prime Minister. This week has been a momentous week for me

because as of this week, I have been your Prime Minister for 45 days, making me Britain's second longest-serving Prime Minister this year. What an incredible honour. Casting my mind back to that long, bygone age of a month and a half ago, I could never have expected my Prime Min ministership would have had such incredible longevity. Perhaps you can remember, all that way back in August, Britain was a very different place. Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng's Kami Kwasi mini-budget had left everyone scared and anxious, wondering about just how miserable the future might be. But then Jeremy

Hunt and I steadied the ship and left you all in no doubt about how miserable the future would be. Thank you. You've reached Leaky Suella Braveman. I'm not home right now, but leave a message and I'll be sure to process it in the next 12 to 36 months. Or I might not bother. Sweller, it's pretty. We need to talk. I've been reading some of the things you've been saying and doing about the illegal immigrants who have been coming to this country.

And I've got to say, I think you need to tone it down a bit. I am all for doing mean things to immigrants, but frankly, you're going too far. In fact, you are being so cruel to them that people are actually starting to think I am nice. Now, look, I've had to start throwing rocks at the kids on the local swings again, just to restore my reputation. But they still are hating you more.

So back off lady. Laters. Alright, I'm David Beckham, the tyrant's best friend. You might have seen me recently trashing my LGBT-friendly credentials by accepting a lorryload of cash to be an ambassador for Qatar. Since then, I've been looking to trash my feminist credentials in exchange for a big sack of dosh as well. That's why I'm delighted to be an ambassador for Iran. as well. That's why I'm delighted to be an ambassador

for Iran. What I love about Iran is this incredible mixture of the traditional and the downright prehistoric. I mean, what could be better than standing here in the middle of Tehran and just feeling the breeze in your hair? Unless you're a woman, of course.

In which case, that'd rightly land you in jail terrific Iran for me is quite simply paradise unless you care about women's freedoms which if the money is right I don't so why not come to Iran for your next family holiday

don't answer that it was a rhetorical question oh fantastic track It was a rhetorical question. Oh, fantastic track. You're back with The Jeremy Vine Show. And that was second-hand news by Fleetwood Mac from their album Rumours. And there are rumours that the latest trailer for Harry and Meghan's Netflix series

contains some inaccurate scenes. Well, the Sussexes join me now from L.A. Amazing to be on the show, Jeremy. Yeah, we love your show so much, whoever you are. Well, thank you. Perhaps you can clear up some of these inconsistencies. The first clip shown in the trailer of Swarming Paparazzi is actually from a Harry Potter premiere five years before you met.

Which just shows how obsessed with us the gutter press are, that they would be stalking us five years before we even met. Who even does that? That's why I had to do everything to protect the family I hadn't even met yet. Right. All we ever wanted, Jeremy, was to be left alone to live a quiet life away from the media spotlight

Surely our 17 podcasts And half dozen Netflix series have made that clear Okay, fine Well, now I'd like to skip forward now To the final image in the trailer Which shows an incident Which happened in Scotland Am I right?

The incident happened at Christmas on the Balmoral estate Can you imagine the trauma for my Harry being locked by Wills and Kate inside a giant man made of stick, which they then set alight? But that's clearly footage of Edward Woodward from The Wicker Man. That's it. This interview is over. I can't take it anymore. Harry, defend me. Mr Vine, I strongly suggest you stop jostling my wife. What do you mean? We're on a satellite link-up.

We can sort that out in the edit. Welcome back to Today. Nick, there seems to be a Michael McIntyre waxwork in the corner that's slightly melted. That's no semi-warped Michael McIntyre. That's slightly melted. That's no semi-warped Michael McIntyre. That's Elon Musk. Yes, it's me, Elon, the Willy Wonka of hate speech. Why are you here, Mr Musk?

Because just on a whim, I bought Radio 4. And I'm going to do to Radio 4 what I've done to Twitter. Ruin it? No, I'm going to transform it into a space where everyone is welcome, whether you are a furious anti-Semite or just an angry person who hates Jews. Nick, he's going to turn Radio 4 into a right-wing talking shop.

That's odd. I thought we were a right-wing talking shop. I've already started work transforming Radio 4. Women's Hour has a new host. Hello, and welcome to Women's Hour. Great job. With me, the Donald.

Today we're talking the menopause. Mano a meno. And how no one gives a crap about old broads. You know, you smell of talcum powder and death. Any lady who has the menopause should go and hide in a cave. The only people who deserve to live are fat old guys who play golf and girls with nice boobies. And the archers has to change. It needs to relate more to the ordinary billionaire on the street.

Oh, Eddie, I just checked our bank account and there's £300 million in it So I've got one question for you Yes, Clary Where's the other £200 million? Oh, that I invested it in Brian Aldridge's new cryptocurrency, Gitcoin You don't think we're too flash spending our money now we're crypto billionaires? in Brian Aldridge's new cryptocurrency, Gitcoin. You don't think we're too flash spending our money now we're crypto billionaires?

No, I love our fleet of solid gold tractors. I've bought you a little something with my crypto winnings this month. Something special for your birthday. Oh, you're terrible at keeping secrets. What is it, Clary? Manchester United. Oh, that sure terrible at keeping secrets. What is it, Clary? Manchester United. Oh, that sure beats the aftershave you got me from Poundland last year. I'm sorry, Mr. Musk, but all this sounds utterly idiotic and mad. Martha's right. You haven't the

first idea what you're doing. Hmm. I'm also introducing a new system where for an extra eight pound fee, you don't have to listen to thought for the day i take it back you're a genius what's up my peeps it's your girl lizzie t here still got it merry crimbo and welcome to my tradition round robbin Christmas letter, aka the Trust Tribune. I don't know about you, but 22 was an absolutely cray-cray year in the Trust household. You will never guess who ended up becoming PM. Only yours, Trustly. Hashtag booked and blessed. Hashtag life goals.

It was so sick. I got to go to Balmoral and I didn't even pay to get in. Legend. And I met the Queen. And we were just becoming besties when she ups and croaks. And I just perfected my wobbly Mrs Overall curtsy. So that's 20 minutes I'll never see again. And then, fanfare, it was time to wow the nation

with our mini budget. So fun. All those old fogies were like, whoa, Liz, rain it in a bit. Guess I was just too rad for them. But I left office, just to put on my serious face, with an incredible legacy. I finished being Prime Minister in record time.

Catch you on the flippity-flop. Truss out. you on the flippity-flop. Truss out. Alright, I'm David Beckham, Lord Haw-Haw for the Instagram generation. Today I'm selling my soul for yet more lolly by talking up another evil regime.

And this time I've come to what is genuinely one of the friendliest places in the universe. Is that an important part of the culture here, do you think? Indeed it is, young Beckham. Oh, amazing. That's why I'm delighted to be an ambassador for the Death Star. And I'm told that the workers who built the Death Star

had a really good time doing it. Was that your experience? Well, we were kidnapped from our home planet in prison and then made to work incredibly long hours and... I find your lack of faith disturbing. Oh! Oh, he's, like, died. Choked to death by an invisible power.

I think we can put it down as natural causes. So for your next vacation, choose a galaxy far, far away. Here, Darth, I used to play for Galaxy. Maybe we could start a football team here. You have your money, mercenary. Now leave. Right, yeah. See you then. Welcome back to the World Cup in Qatar.

Any thoughts on the match just now, Alan? Yeah, great performance by the big man. An absolute unit. They've blown hot and cold, but there's no stopping them now. Absolutely agree. Portugal looking really strong. Portugal? I was talking about the pitch-side air conditioners.

Rio? Yeah, well, for me, their airflow rate of 395 square metres per hour is absolutely world-class, Gary. And any thoughts about the football? Not really. It's too hot. OK, so let's move on to England. They've breezed through the group stage, demolished Senegal, and they've done it all with a smile on their faces.

Alex Scott has been speaking to Harry Kane. Harry, great World Cup so far. You and the boys look like you're really enjoying yourselves. Yeah, you know, obviously, Jude's brought his Jenga. Kyle's been splashing everyone in the swimming pool. And, you know, I've been playing a lot of swing ball, which, for me, it's a dream come true, isn't it? Hang on. What's that sound?

Oh, no. It's... It's... Roy Keane. Your smiles, I could smell them a mile off. They stink. We're just trying to have a bit of fun, Mr Keane. Fun? Football's not about fun or dancing. Did you see those Brazilian lads dancing after their goals? It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace.

Dancing. It's a disgrace. After goals. It's a disgrace. So you're not a fan? It's a disgrace. And it's not just the dancing either. It's all that smiling, the happiness, the joy. Football is

supposed to be about two things, kicking people and kicking people slightly harder. Back to you, Gary. Thanks, Alex. Well, that's all we've got time for, but let's hope those smiles on the English faces last just a little bit longer. Hang on, Gary, aren't we playing France on Saturday?

Oh, well, fun while it lasted. Good night. France on Saturday. Oh, well, fun while it lasted. Good night. Welcome to the News Agents. So, we're the News Agents. Maitlis, did you have a good weekend? Well, yeah, soaps got

completely shit-faced out of my head and crawled into bed, but woke up with vomit on my eiderdown. God, how rad. And you can't say that on the BBC. Certainly can't, soaps. You can't use nicknames on the BBC and you certainly can't say shitfaced. This is the kind of freedom we needed.

That's why we were so desperate to leave the BBC. That and the nicknames. Hell to the yes with you on that, maters to maters. Right back at you, soapy, soapy, soaple. So, what have we got on the old podcast today, matey, mateless? Oh, more bloody politics. Oh, I know, such a drag. Crack open that Jack Daniels soapmeister and perhaps we can get through it. But first, we've got the Pope.

Hello, Pope. Hello. Bit of a boring name there, Pope. Do you mind if we call you Popey? I'm not sure. Ah, come on, Popey. We're not on the BBC now. Well, how about Popey, Pope, Pope, be-doop, be-doop? That would not be proper. It might not be proper on Auntie Beeb, Popey Draws, but here on this podcast, anything goes. He's gone.

What an effing square he was. Sure was, Emmy Wemmy. Don't call me that. Sorry. The News Agents was brought to you by BT. We can't get your Wi-Fi signal three feet across your house, but by God, we can get Emily Maitlis to swear, and that's all that matters.

You're back with Today, with me, Amal Rajan. And Michelle Hussain. The England men's cricket team pulled off a stunning win against Pakistan by playing an exciting and daring new brand of cricket. We're joined by Test captain Ben Stokes. Ben, how have you managed to transform English cricket like this? I think an important part of it is that we go into Test matches prepared to lose. That's different from previous England teams. How exactly?

We don't actually lose, we win. Revolutionary stuff. Ben Stokes, thank you. As the controversy over the suitability of Qatar as World Cup host rumbles on, we now have a concerned listener who wishes to discuss the matter. Salutations, young man. Mr Rhys Mogg. By the way, if you don't mind my asking, where are you from? Me? I'm a Londoner. It is an outrage. The BBC simply must stop giving jobs to cockneys. Pretty soon there'll be none left to sweep my chimneys and cheer up my kitchen maids. You wanted to share your views on Qatar? Oh, yes. Its laws are

draconian. The rights and freedoms of women and homosexuals and the poor are severely limited. Working conditions for many are akin to slave labour. But? But nothing. I just wanted to point out why it's my favourite holiday destination.

Hello, I'm Dr. Michael Mosley. I keep snotty tissues rolled up under my cardigan sleeve. This is just one thing. Last week, I showed you how to lose weight by ingesting 300 tapeworms. This week, I'll be exploring one thing you can do to keep warm in a cold snap. Simply

kill the rich and move into their well-insulated homes. It may sound extreme, but when the system isn't working, it's time for a bloody and merciless revolution. Join me next week when I'll show you how eating rabbit droppings can improve your erection. Hello, Cumbulla Parker Bowles. Hello, it's me. The guy from the East Wing. The king formerly known as Prince Charles, not again

just go to bed, it's late it's all right for you you don't have to be king in the morning it's also frightfully overwhelming God's sake darling you had 73 years to prepare for the job. Exactly. Not nearly long enough.

It was so free and easy being Prince of Wales. I'd spend my mornings opening a biscuit factory, lunch with the Lord Mayor, and in the afternoon I'd be waving at people. But now I'm king, that's all a distant memory.

What do you have to do tomorrow? Tomorrow? Well, in the morning, I'm opening a biscuit factory. There's lunch with the Lord Mayor. Yes. And in the afternoon, I'm waving at people. It's a whole new world I never knew existed. You can see what I mean.

Oh, yes, yes. It all sounds completely different. Good night, King Rollo. Good night. Oh, yes. It's me again. Yes, I guessed. I was just thinking about the way I said good night to you just then.

I really don't think I said it like a king. Charles, if you don't stop being such an old worrywart, I'll come over there, box your ears and put you on the ruddy, naughty step. Gosh, you sounded exactly like Mummy. Would it be all right if I came over to the West Wing and record you? All right, but I'm not putting on that bloody crown again. APPLAUSE crown again. You're watching Newsnight with me, Victoria Derbyshire, the coolest mum in the school

WhatsApp group. The RMT Union has announced more rail strikes with a walkout on Christmas Eve. Mick Lynch joins me now. Hi, evening, Victoria. This Christmas Eve strike will ruin so many people's festive travel plans. I hope so.

That's why I called it. What are you talking about? Christmas rom-com. You see, they're my favourite thing over the holidays. You know, I must have watched Love Actually at least 50 times. Can't get enough of them.

And what better premise for a classic Christmas rom-com than a Christmas Eve rail strike throwing travel plans into chaos. In what way? Do I have to spell it out? Look, Florence Pugh is a stressed out city worker trying to get home to Scotland for the last Christmas with her

sick nan. She arrives at King's Cross on Christmas Eve to find the station closed. Chris Hemworth is the minicab driver who almost runs her down with his cab. They're two people from vastly different worlds. He thinks she's stuck up and pretentious. She thinks he's a slob and a loser.

But both are missing something from their lives. Love. What follows over the course of that evening is a festive road trip like no other, where lessons about family, trust, love, and the true meaning of Christmas are learnt as these two fall in love. There's even a cameo from Russell Crowe as Father Christmas.

It's a Christmas movie that will be a staple of every holiday season and it's all down to me. Mick Lynch, thank you. You don't want to share a cab to the station, do you? Who knows, a spirit sent to Earth to redeem himself might try to bring us together in a way that shows us the true meaning of Christmas.

No, thanks. Please yourself. I've got Julia Roberts on speed dial anyway. You've reached the Imaginarium of Noel Fielding. Sorry I can't come to a novelty lobster phone right now. But please leave a message and I can't come to a novelty lobster phone right now. But please leave a message and I'll get back to you with a series of haikus about eggs.

Hey there, mate. It's TV's Matt Hancock here. I just read the news that Matt Lucas is stepping down from Bake Off and thought you might need a new fun co-host. Enter Hancock stage left. That's a TV term meaning to the left of the stage. Since I'll be quitting as an MP,

I'm looking for new ways for the public to relate to me that doesn't involve them slowing down in their cars and screaming, you killed my gran at me. Anyway, just so you know, I will be using my platform to raise the vital cause of dyslexia awareness by mentioning it once under my breath with my back to the camera. Hope that's cool. Ta-ra! Welcome to Sky News. I'm Kay Burley.

Tonight we're coming to you live from a migrant processing hub in Kent to bring you an insight into the appalling and cruel regime that awaits Britain's asylum seekers. Wait a minute, there seems to be another film crew here already. Sorry, what are you doing here? What's going on? Alright, I'm David Beckham. I am delighted to be an ambassador

for Manston Detention Centre. I can honestly say this is the nicest and most welcoming embodiment of hell on earth that I've ever been to. It has this incredible mixture of simplicity, homeliness and diphtheria. The Manston Detention Centre really is an incredible place to spend up to 36 months while your legal right to asylum is processed. Joe Lycett's not going to see this, is he? It's processed.

Joe Lycett's not going to see this, is he? Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby, Naomi MacDonald and Anil Desai. The writers were Neff Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amson and Tom Coles, James Buck, Edward Tew, Robert Dark, Sophie Dixon, Toussaint Douglas and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.

Hi, I'm Dr. Julia Shaw. And I'm Sophie Hagen. Our podcast, Bad People, is back for a new season. Every week, we combine true crime and research from criminal psychology to investigate the deliciously dark question. Why do people do bad things? In this season, we dig into questions like, can video games ever cause violence? I mean, how are you meant to react to that?

Do doctors need dark humor? No, I never want to hear that again. And what rights does a dead body have? That is horrible. Bad People of Speck. Listen on BBC Sounds.