Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, 9th July, 2021

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

Labour’s Angela Rayner has some unusual items for the team at The Repair Shop, and there’s a unique perspective on Andy Murray’s personal life.With Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jan Ravens, Debra Stephenson and Duncan Wisbey.Written by:- Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Sophie Dickson, and Athena Kugblenu.Producer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hey there, govy, govy, govy here. Welcome to the BBC Friday Night Comedy Podcast. Hey, isn't it great that soon we'll be doing all sort of like normal things? I'm going to be hosting Gastropod of the Year. So looking forward to that. But in the meantime, here's the Codpast.

Harry Kane, congratulations on the amazing win. Yeah, thanks, Emma. What do you say to some pundits who say that your penalty could have been the result of a deliberate dive from Raheem Sterling? Well, yeah, you know, we'll soon find out one way or the other. When you watch back the footage? No, when he gets picked by Italy for the final. Dead ringers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE and Martha Carney. The headlines. 9pm Wednesday night and the entire nation

was still glued to the TV. There was drama aplenty, heart-stopping tension, nerves jangling, but in the end, Steve on the repair shop was able to fix that broken grandfather clock.

Phew! Meanwhile, over on ITV, England was beating Denmark 2-1 to reach the final of the Euros. Over the two hours, there were plenty of talking points, from the exhilaration of Harry Kane's scoring to the shock that Kevin Bacon is still doing those EE ads. Yes, after missing the penalty,

Harry Kane then managed the greatest rebound since Brad Pitt was dumped by Jennifer Aniston and ended up marrying Angelina Jolie. He joins me on the line. Harry, a historic evening, but it was a difficult watch at times. Yeah, you know, we always knew Wednesday night would be our toughest test. And it was the same for everyone at home, really. Because of Denmark's technical ability?

No, because it was on ITV. I mean, you know, 90 minutes of Sam Matterface and Lee Dixon commentating is bad enough, but, you know, extra time too. But at least for the final, we can watch it on BBC and, well, it's a dream come true, really, isn't it? It's even better than the dream I had about eating a Solero on Nemesis at Alton Towers.

Harry Kane, thank you. Boris Johnson was in the stands and quick to pay tribute to the manager. Au revoir, au revoir. Naturally, I claim full credit for this victory. I realised many years ago that the best football teams in the world, Brazil, Uruguay, Argentina, etc., come from poverty-stricken third-world countries. So, as PM, I have tirelessly worked to make England

into a floundering tin-pot economic basket case. Furthermore, Gareth Southgate is decent, humble, modest, hard-working and loyal to those around him. But despite all that, I quite like the man. Foie! Gareth Southgate was given a lot of credit for the win and he joins me on the line. You must be thrilled.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sorry I expected you to be more excited about having guided England to its first major tournament final since 1966. Why? England winning the Euros now seems totally plausible. I don't do plausible. I'm Gareth Southgate. I only do the impossible, like taking over the smoking ruins of the England team and make us unbeatable.

So I'm standing down as England manager. What? I've taken the job as manager of Accrington Stanley. With the aim of lifting the Premier League trophy next season. But they're in the third division. Do you doubt me? Right then, in that case, I'm off to climb Everest in a mankini carrying a fridge on my back.

Gareth Southgate, thank you. An ecstatic Priti Patel expressed her excitement at the result. Well, it's incredible that football's coming home. However... If it tries to enter the country without the right documents, football will be stopped, detained and held at a detention centre in Rwanda. In the other semi-final, Italy sensationally beat Spain in a penalty shoot-out. After Jorginho scored the winning goal, he punched the air with glee and three of his Italian team-mates fell to the ground, sensationally beat Spain in a penalty shootout. After Jorginho scored the winning goal,

he punched the air with glee and three of his Italian team-mates fell to the ground clutching their heads out of force of habit. Of course, in all the excitement about England's win, it's easy to forget about Wales and Scotland. Nicola Sturgeon. Look, I'm disgusted to see Boris Johnson jumping on the bandwagon and pretending that he's a huge football fan.

That's easy for him. England are good now. Try pretending to be a huge football fan when you're Scottish. Other news now, and Boris Johnson announced that despite a massive surge in cases of the Delta variant, England would scrap all Covid restrictions on July the 19th. A move praised by pub owners, Tory backbenchers and the mayor from Jaws. Opinions in the scientific community are split. For every scientist calling Boris' move reckless, foolhardy and dangerous,

there's another calling it totally batshit crazy. I admit, this is a gamble, but when have I ever let you down during this pandemic in the past? Apart from that time. Yes, and that time. Oh, and that time, yes.

Oh, that was bad, wasn't it? Oh, crap. Look, can I just start singing three lines now, distract you and run away? Fwah! Compulsory mask wearing will be scrapped, a move warmly welcomed by lockdown sceptics. What felicitous news. Masks are an affront to our culture.

I choose to protect myself from contact with the disease-ridden hoi polloi with something much more British, which I call nanny. Dido Harding has been finally ruled out as the next head of the NHS. Maybe her next job is in cyber and she just doesn't know it yet. My TV has said that security has been significantly stepped up around the Love Island compound. This is in response to the news that both Michael Gove and Matt Hancock are newly single.

news that both Michael Gove and Matt Hancock are newly single. Yes, Michael Gove and Sarah Vine have announced that they're finalising their divorce. Sarah Vine, a woman who's built a career out of ridiculing others for their personal peccadillos, has requested the public respect their privacy. The public responded with this statement. At Wimbledon, 18-year-old Emma Raducanu, who dropped out of a match because of breathing difficulties, was told to man up by Piers Morgan, a TV presenter who just a few months ago angrily flounced out of his own breakfast show. A TV presenter who just a few months ago angrily flounced out of his own breakfast show.

Breweries say in the run-up to Wednesday evening, over 120 million pints were drunk in England. Nothing to do with the football, it was just the parents whose kids are off school self-isolating. Hello, I'm Stacey Dooley, Louis Theroux in a denim playsuit. And welcome to Fresh Starts, the podcast where I meet people embarking on a brand new chapter in their lives. This week we're talking an absolutely huge transformation as I meet Kia. Here I am then in Kia's office in Westminster. Why don't you tell us a bit about what you do at the moment? So Stacey, I currently have a very quiet and boring life, which consists of brushing my own hair and being leader of the opposition. And what is it you're going to have a go at now

that you've never done before? Politics. Wow. Yeah, I know. It's a total change of direction for me. So, how are you going to get going? Well, I'm going to start by not voting for everything the government proposes. Right, OK.

I know, I know. It's just madness, isn't it? It's just one of those things where I just have to take the plunge now or I'm never going to do it. And then what? Well, then comes the bit I'm most nervous about. Coming up with my own policies. And I think I've got the first one

already. Do you want to hear it? Oh my gosh, I'd love to. Right, here we go. Buy British. Okay. Wow. And is that it? Yes. You got any more?

No. Do you know, Keir, I've always believed anyone can achieve anything if they just put their heart and soul into it. Yeah, that's very inspiring. But clearly I was wrong. Maybe stick to the hair brushing, yeah? Join me next time when I meet Michael Gove

as he tries to transform himself into a member of the human race. Bye! Coming soon on ITV, you loved the masked singer, you tolerated the masked dancer, and now we're really scraping the barrel. Welcome to the Masked Shopper.

The brand-new guessing game where you have to guess whether or not to wear a mask in the supermarket. Our first contestant is faced with a packed Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning. It's stuffy, it's crowded, and there's a man coughing by the beak. Literally anything could happen. Take it away! And as the government can't be bothered to guide you anymore, you'll have to rely on our celebrity

panel, including Jonathan Ross. Okay, okay, so the scientists say one thing, Boris says the other. Frankly, nobody's got a bloody clue what's going on, much like every episode of The Masked Singer, I would have thought. Davina McCall. I don't know. On, off. Who knew a global pandemic could be so intense?

And Rita Ora. Well, I never paid any attention to the lockdown rules anyway, so go ahead, lick the trolley. Join us as our contestants are faced with a new challenge each week. No, don't go inside the butchers, it's poorly ventilated. Plus, I'm here excitably breathing on everyone. Before it's masks off in the big reveal. Take it off! Take it off!

OK, looks like our masked shopper's got a bit of a fever there, so... Put it back on! Put it back on! The Masked Shopper, coming to ITV on July 19th. You think you won't watch it, but you'll all be stuck at home, self-isolating by then, so you'll have no choice. This summer, the makers of Framing Britney bring you a shocking new documentary about another celebrity's struggles to get free from their parents' overbearing control.

Everywhere I go, she's there. On the court, in the crowd, yelling at me, telling me she wishes Novak Djokovic was her son. Since I was little, she's controlled everything. My career, my sponsors, my hair. I don't even really like tennis, it's rubbish. We find out the real story behind one of the world's most famous families. In many ways, Brittany and I are very similar.

I, too, have a beautiful singing voice, Brittany and I are very similar. I, too, have a beautiful singing voice. Oops, I did it again. Oh, baby, baby. See? Andy, who do you think you're talking to? I'm sorry, Mother. Now get back out on that court.

It's only 11 months till the next Wimbledon. Sorry, Mother. Please don't tell Jamie I was bad. Ah, now, stay very still, Ellie. The T-Rex can only sense movement, so if we stay completely still, we can escape this godforsaken park.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Let's get the hell out of here, and then I'm going to get this place shut down until it's safe again. What? What the hell is that? Let's get this show on the road. It's time to open up Jurassic Park.

What are you doing? You're going to get us killed. You cannot reopen the park now. But if not now, then when? From now on, whether or not one gets eaten by velociraptors will be a matter of personal choice. It's going to eat us all? What the hell have you done? I think I'll hand that question over to Sir Chris Whitty.

Next stegosaurus, please. OK. Welcome to the repair shop, where broken treasures are brought back to life. First in the shop today is Angela from Westminster. All right, Jay. Usually, when I see a bank conversion full of antique knick-knacks, I think you're a Tory scum and probably do you.

Doof, doof, doof. But you've got a flat cap and I respect that. OK, nice, nice. Well, OK, nice to meet you too, Angela. OK, tell us a bit about what you've brought into the repair shop today. Well, Jay, as you can see, I've brought in this strange wooden figure.

Hi, I'm Keir. You've got your work cut out there, haven't you? Yeah, he's quite stiff, isn't he? You know, a bit over-polished. How long have you been in there? Just over a year now, and already it looks like it's falling apart. They don't last, these figures.

I've got an old collection of them and they're crap. This one, you can see they've tried to add a veneer at some point, but the result is just weird. Hello, it's very good to be here, smiling intensely. I'm generally putting people at ease with awkward robotic hand gestures. And I mean, where do you even start with this one? Hey, you know, like, you know,

I was a niche sex symbol for about a fortnight in 2015. So there. Admittedly, okay, there's not a lot to work with here, but, you know, we might just be able to bring that one back to life. Hi there, just call me Tony. Ha ha ha ha ha. Blimey, I thought I chucked him away,

but somehow he keeps turning up. Really gives me the creeps. Yeah, yeah, know what you mean. Tell you what, I'll stick him in the woodchipper, yeah? All right, mate. Top one sorted. Hello. You've reached the Prime Minister. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm updating the Amber list. I met a wonderful barmaid called Amber and she's going in straight at number five.

What? Boris, it's Liz Truss. Late to the party, but I've been watching the Euros these last few weeks and there's something I want to touch base about. None of the European superpowers you asked me to clinch trade deals with are in there. W-T-A-F. There's no San Marino, no Liechtenstein, no Belarus and Dora Vatican City. The only one I recognised from my incredible deals was North Macedonia and they got knocked out in round one. Totally random. So look, I've been on the laptop and I asked Jeeves about the teams that did make it through. Hang on, I've written them down here in my Hello Kitty notebook. Italy, Spain, Belgium, France and Germany.

And you'll never guess what. It turns out they're all really, really wealthy and have loads of amazing stuff they could trade with us. I know! We're sitting on a gold mine, Boris! Am I right? Look, I've been

in touch with them and they've got this amazing thing whereby they can trade really easily. It's like a kind of trading box. There's some kind of European Union thing. It sounds absolutely dope. So I stuck my neck out and I've applied to join. The trustor does it again, winning at life. Our house, in the middle of our street. Oh, that was madness.

And our house. It's madness at our house. You're listening to The Jeremy Vine Show, where my voice is more of a thrill ride than even the biggest rollercoaster at Alton Towers. I'm joined by new Health Secretary, Sajid Javid. Let me make it absolutely clear. We, as a country, will just have to learn to live with Covid. OK, understood. But what if there's another wave of Covid and the hospitals fill up again?

Well, then we'll have to learn to live with full hospitals. OK, but what if people can't get emergency treatment so desperately needed? Well, we'll just need to learn to live without A&E. But what if they've fallen off a tall ladder and landed on their head? need it. Well, we'll just need to learn to live without A&E. But what if they've fallen off a tall ladder and landed on their head? Been run over by a bus, or even several buses at once? Or been

impaled by javelins in their necks? Well, then we'll need to learn to live with concussion, crushed pelvises and javelins in our necks. Or we can always saw off the ends so we can fit through doors. Okay. Okay. and javelins in our necks. We can always saw off the ends so we can fit through doors. OK. OK, let's keep going with this. What if the economy fails?

Well, then, we'll need to learn to live with limping around with wheelbarrows full of blood-stained worthless currency. OK, one more. What if we run out of wheelbarrows? Well, then it will be Liz Truss's responsibility to negotiate a trade deal with Taiwan for a of wheelbarrows? Well, then it will be Liz Truss's responsibility to negotiate a trade deal with Taiwan for a million wheelbarrows. And to be fair, if we can learn to live with Liz Truss, we can learn to live with anything.

OK. Here's Kate Bush. Welcome to Today at Wimbledon, where I'm joined by John McEnroe. John, you came under fire earlier this week for your comments about young Emma Raducanu's withdrawal from the tournament. Well, you know, folk don't like to hear it, but the fact is she lost control of herself. Can you see why many people found you saying that a tad ironic? Because of? Well, need I spell it out, John? Look, some of these younger players don't always have the emotional discipline. Like, for example, your great rival Bjorn Borg, because he always kept his cool, unlike, say...

Don't do this, Sue. Please, you're not going to make me say it. No one even remembers it. What, your catchphrase, you mean? What was it again? God damn it, Sue! How many times? It's not a catchphrase. All I'm saying is she will never be a great tennis player if she allows her emotions to take over. But for some goddamn reason,

I can't say that without people pointing at me and saying it's a bit ironic. Ironic? You cannot be serious! Claire Balding, if you're watching, that's ten quid you owe me. New from BBC Sounds, a new educational podcast. Thank you. Now you're not working from home anymore, let Penelope guide you through the do's and don'ts of feigning interest with your work colleagues. Example one, Robert, the security guard. Here's what you should say.

Oh, yes, Robert, it is chucking it down out there. Absolute stair rods. Yes, I'm looking forward to global warming too. And here's what you shouldn't say. How's the trial separation, Robert? I expect her moving in with that dog groomer was a bit of a blow. Still, you do have explosives training under your belt

so you can take matters into your own hands. Now, Felicity from marketing. Oh, yes, Felicity, I'm sure your little Josh will do fine. Everyone moves at different speeds at school, don't they? Do not say... Well, in my day, they put the kids who eat their crayons away in an institution so you can try again with a clean slate. And how about Amanda from PR? Online salsa classes. Well, I am impressed. You go,

girl. We'll see you on Strictly before you know it. Do not say. Face facts, Amanda. There's no men left at your age. You can wiggle your hips all you like. You'll just be used for revenge sex by angry divorcees in premier inns until your son puts you in a home. Yes, all the banter that used to come naturally is here. From Jeff in the post room, who does historical re-enactments,

to Jane in Human Resources, who makes horrible biscuits for everyone. Warning, this podcast does not include Annabelle, who jogs in her lunchtime and owns a Peloton and who spent most of lockdown in Tuscany, who you will have to beat to death with a stapler, but it does include banter for when you have to hide her body. You've reached number 10.

Boris can't come to the phone right now as I'm exercising personal responsibility with the wife of a close colleague. What? Boss, mate, it's Tim Martin here. You know, the scarecrow that became a real boy. Yeah. Anyway, just wanted to say big congrats.

Freedom Day, July 19th. No more masks. Hallelujah. From July 19th, if anyone walks into one of my weather spoons wearing a mask, they better be robbing me or else. Welcome back to Euro 2020 on the BBC. Don't worry, Only Connect fans, it'll all be over soon. Alan and Rio, where else can we start but with England?

No, no, sorry, Gary, I can't. Why not? Because if we talk about it, we're going to jinx it, Gary. You don't want to talk about the final? Shh, shh, shh, Gary, Gary, don't say the F word. Don't even think about it right now. Alan's right, 10,000%. I mean, can't we talk about something else?

Like what? Films, teeth, weather, anything. What's your favourite cereal, Alan? Uh, toast. See? Great stuff. Look, Rio, I'm not sure people want to hear that. A proper conversation. That's all I ask for. I mean, we spend all this time together, but do we really know each other?

Tell me your deepest desires, Gary. Did you have a happy childhood? Is there a God? Is it ethical to eat animals when an octopus can open a jam jar? You know, anything. I mean, for me, it's Weetabix. Solid, dependable, and great with hot milk. Best cereal by far. Ten billion percent.

I think people just want us to talk about the football. No, Gary. No. Because if we do, I'll just get excited and in real, we'll see it's coming home and it'll make some ridiculous prediction that we're going to beat Italy 9-0, 10 billion percent with Pickford scoring the lot and then we'll jinx it and it'll all be over.

So you know what? Let's just sit in silence. Because if I sit in silence, it's not, and it'll all be over. So you know what? Let's just sit in silence, because if I sit in silence, it's not scary, and it can't hurt me. Well, if that's what you want, Alan. It is, Gary. Eleventy percent. Well, as you wish. So, until Sunday, try to stay calm.

Don't make plans for the open-top bus parade. And whatever you do, don't say he's coming home. Corgo pops are nice. Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Thank you. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Hello, I'm Pandora Sykes. And just before you go, I wanted to tell you about a new podcast, Pieces of Britney. My attempt to piece together the life of Britney Spears and the forces that have forged it. A huge fan. Yeah, absolutely. A fan of not just the performer, but the person.

I think that a lot of people were rooting for Britney to fail. And there's this sort of assumption of, you know, this is what you wanted, this is what you're going to get. In this eight-part series for BBC Radio 4, I've spoken to cultural thinkers, lawyers, psychologists and key players in the entertainment industry to get their perspective on Britney's remarkable story and enduring legacy. I used her as an example of somebody who really got what was required

to do that kind of work. We're also using drama to help us look behind the headlines and the conflicting accounts to imagine the woman underneath. Join me for Pieces of Britney. Subscribe now on BBC Sounds.