Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers Christmas: Ep 1. Farage Goes to School, The Snowman v Keir, and Alan Carr: Special Negotiator

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

The Dead Ringers team are back to train their vocal firepower on the week’s news with an armoury of impressive impressions.This week: Farage goes to a new school, The Snowman takes Keir Starmer on a Christmas journey, and Alan Carr: Special Negotiator.This week's impressionists are Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson, Kieran Hodgson and Josh Berry.The episode was written by: Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, Sophie Dickson, Jon Holmes, Alice Bright, Rachel E Thorn, Jennifer Walker, Joe Topping, Alex Buchanan and G Watson.Created by Bill Dare Producer: Jon Holmes Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Co-ordinator: Caroline BarlowA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

People of Britain. This is your AI Prime Minister. This winter, even less popular than someone coughing next to you on the train. But don't worry, I've realised what I have to do to win back your trust and affection. Yes, I've joined TikTok. That's right, kids, Sequea is ready to tick and to talk. So come on, Hepcats. Get groovy.

On a more serious note, as your PM, it's my job to assess my unpopularity, do some soul-searching, and then blame everyone else for it. That's why I cleared out Sue Gray and my first team from Downing Street. Then I sacked the team who replaced them. And then dismissed the team

who replaced the team, who replaced the first team. I don't care. How many people I have to sack. I will eventually find the person in number 10 who is making me so unpopular. But I am going nowhere. I am going to fight on. I will use every means at my disposal

and every fibre of my Lego being to show you that I am the leader that you all know deep down I am. And then in April it'll be Prime Minister Westreting, so that'll be a nice change. Dead ringers! of ITV's Mr. Bates versus the post office. From BBC drama comes another tale of a plucky older man

who refuses to back down against the might of a vast organization. This Christmas, we bring you Mr. Trump versus the BBC. I can't believe the BBC would do this to me. They're nasty people, so nasty. I don't even know where all this hate comes from. I mean, I thought sex offenders were welcome. at the BBC. A quiet, dignified man

and his crusade for fair and appropriate compensation. I demand $200 billion. And I want to own the BBC. And when I do, you'll be watching the Donald shows such as Doctor Who doesn't believe in vaccines. And grab them by the country file. In a powerful hardfoot,

battle against a faceless corporation, one man stands alone in his battle for the truth. It was so terrible the way they edited my speech to make it seem like I was saying something that in reality, I was only very, very strongly implying. That's a disgrace.

Mr. Trump versus the BBC. Watch it this Christmas on BBC One. Or if we get sued to shit before then, just buy a copy from our bankruptcy sale. Welcome, Back to I'm a Celebrity, I'm Ant or Deck. But the winner of I'm a Celebrity 2025 and the new King of the Jungle is Angry Ginge.

Congratulations. How are you feeling? Pretty bloody angry as it happens. Sorry, Angela Raina. That's right, the original Angry Ginge. I'm not having some 10-year-old YouTuber taking my title. I said to be back, and here I am, Queen of the Jungle. Next stop, Downing Street! Ah, so you hope in case Starmer will give you a job?

Yeah, his. Right, must go. I've got an appointment with a wombat's anus. You're going to do a bush-tucker trial? No, that's just what I call Ed Miliband. Ah, you were foolish to return, Obi-One. When we last met, I was but a novice. Now, I am the master.

I know, Vader. You are. You're definitely the master. What? We all agree you are the master. The master of peace. That's why FIFA have created this Jedi Peace Prize. In recognition of you bringing order to the galaxy

For me? Yes, for you. Look, it's a golden trophy showing gnarled hands, holding up the Death Star. What could represent peace more than that? Oh, you shouldn't have. Nonsense. It's about time someone gave you the

credit for all the peaceful work you've done. That Darth Vader, they say, he stops all the Star Wars. He stopped that war on Alderon single-handedly, just by blowing up Alderon. Hold on a second. I see what's happening here.

This peace prize has been invented solely to stroke my ego, hasn't it? You think you can distract me from seizing the Rebel Alliance's ships with a shiny ornament you bought from pound land. You get a medal as well.

Such a great honour. Thank you. This is BBC Radio 4, and now here's Dame Judy Dench with the Christmas Appeal. Hello, at this festive time of year, I want you to spare a thought for anyone trying to make head or tail of this year's Christmas adverts. Those poor people have been watching those waitrose adverts with key. Kira Knightley and Joe Wilkinson over and over again, trying to work out the logic. Why is Kira Knightley playing herself because she's famous, but Joe Wilkinson is playing someone who isn't famous when he's on the telly more than Kira

Knightley? How does that work? And that Sainsbury BFG nonsense. Would Sainsbury's really provide free food for everyone when a huge giant rips up the roofs of the houses and steals all the Christmas dinners? Is it St. Brice's fault, the giant is loose? Why is this information not given to us? And what about that bloody Astor advert?

Is he the Grinch until he sees Asda because he's poor or because he's miserable? Either way, what you seem to be saying is that only poor, miserable people shop in Astor. Actually, yes, I'll give them that. You got there before me, really. Then there's that absolute head scratcher of a John Lewis ad. Did the dad take his infant son to a rave?

It's absolutely baffling. Your donation will help these supermarkets hire better ad agencies who don't make it up as they go along. And they might even hire me. So I don't have to keep doing those ghastly money supermarket ads. They don't make any sense either. Please give what you can today. Coming soon, the brand new reimagining of the world of Harry Potter.

Young wizards, a new student has arrived at Hogwarts. It is my pleasure to introduce our news intake, Nigel. No, no, no, let me expelial. Okay, let Big Nige's school yard banter commence. Professor Dumbledore, who is this? Pipe down, you specky snowflake. I've got one thing to say to you lot. He's speaking in parcel tongue.

Nope, just practicing my hissing. Gas the hufflepuffs. Quiet, everyone. When I call your name, the sorting hatch will be placed on your head and you will be sorted into your houses. I don't bloody think so. I've got my own way of categorising people. Now, where are the black kids?

Nigel, this is not how we behave. Edward Hogwarts? Oh, shut up, beardy. Hands up! Who liked my wizard outfit? What sort of wizard are you? A bloody grand wizard, mate. Although Dagon Alley didn't sell pointy white hoods, so I've had to make my own.

Nigel, that sort of attitude is not welcome here. Are you kidding, mate? The only Asian in this whole franchise is called Cho Chang. The only Irish bloke's called Seamus Finnegan. And the banks are run by hook-nors. run by hook-nose goblins. I reckon I'll fit in just fine. Hello and welcome to the rest of politics

with me, Alistair Campbell. And me, Rory Stewart. Westminster's elf on the shelf. Now, Rory, we've had a few emails and a lot of our converse trainer-wearing centrist dad listeners are a bit worried about some of your recent comments. In what way are they worried, Alistair? Well, they're worried you're sounding a bit like a Tory.

But I am a Tory, Alistair, from my odd teeth and strange twisted toenails to my Baroness Thatcher neck tattoo. Don't be ridiculous. We'd never have a Tory on this podcast. I am a Tory, Alistair. Was it not a bit of a giveaway that I was a conservative minister

in one of the most right-wing governments of post-war Britain? Listen, Rory, we cater to a certain demographic, and that demographic wants content there is pre-masticated Blairite slop. They don't want you spouting off like a Tory. I can't deny my nature, Alistair. It's like that parable about the frog and the scorpion, where the scorpion privatises the frog.

Can I set that, Rory? I know you, and you are the exact opposite of everything today's Conservative Party stands for. You're thoughtful, compassionate, moderate, and principled. Oh, maybe you're right, Alistair. As I've already said, I am thinking of voting Lib Dem at the next election. Jumping to a fringe party full of cranks at the first sign of trouble.

I guess you really are a Tory. This is fantastic. The number 10 garden is full of snow. I knew giving the boss of iron. wasteland of peerage was a good move. It's Christmas, and everywhere's whiter than a reform candidate shortlist. Why, hello, sir, Kier. A talking snowman, with lumps of coal for buttons and eyes.

Someone's spent all their winter fuel allowance. It's time to go, Kier. That's what my backbenchers are always saying about me. No, I mean, come and fly with me. Take my hand. Oh, it's amazing up here. You can see everything. There's Angela Rainer's house.

And her other one. And her other one. Look at the countryside down there, Keir. It's beautiful. Mile upon mile of unspoilt, undulating farmland for me to decimate with inheritance tax. But now our journey must come to a close. And it's time for the sad ending.

Drip, dripping away until there's nothing left but a faint memory. Are you disappearing? No care. You are. Has anyone got to mop? I think I've just made a puddle. Welcome to The One Show. I'm Roman Kemp. No relation to Ross. And I'm Alex Jones, no relation to that mad fat bloke from InfoWars. So what did you do on the weekend, Alex? None of your business, Roman.

We've got no chemistry and we never will, so you can stop trying now. Coming up later, Giles Brandreth in a chunky-knit sweater on the front line in Ukraine. We had no reason to send him there. We just thought it'd be a bit of a giggle. Now, as I'm a celebrity raps for another year, we've got a survival expert joining us in the studio. Good evening, Alex Jones. Oh, Kemi Badernock.

Surely you don't know anything about staying alive in the jungle? I wouldn't be so sure. Last night, I ate kangaroo vaginas. Because you were inspired by the Bush Tucker trials. No, because it was a Thursday. Sorry, do you regularly eat it? animal genitals for tea? Yes, because I am a low-energy weirdo.

And is that why you're wearing that unusual hat? There is nothing unusual about my hat. It is the act of filling it with gravy that is unusual. But that is just the way I roll. But as leader of the opposition, aren't you concerned that you might be putting off voters by being this odd? I am not concerned by that or anything

because I always keep a live pine martin in my handbag. Oh, well, we do a lot of films about pine martins on The One Show. Maybe you've seen them. I don't watch The One Show. I'm not that weird. Coming soon to cinemas near you. The Shawshank Redemption, 2025 remaster. Andy Dufrain was a good man. though not always the smartest incarcerated for life at shawshank high security prison he spent three long hard years tunneling out of his lonely cell with bloodied hands andy eventually broke through the wall crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side finally to savor the sweet sweet smell of freedom as for me i just stood

by the release desk and waited for David Lammy to be made justice minister a couple of days later every last man in Shawshank had been set free

you're watching good morning Britain with me Susanna Reid and either Ed Balls or Richard Madeley It's what's known in broadcasting circles as Susanna's choice. The good news for the Reform Party continues, with former Conservative MPs seemingly defecting to it on a weekly basis.

Reform MP Lee Anderson joins me. You must be a happy man. Am I X, Susanna? I'm absolutely bloody furious. But your party's never had so much support. Why are you angry? Because of all these bloody people coming over here and filling in our membership forms,

It's an absolute disgrace. But why is that a problem? We're full, Susanna. It's overcrowded enough as it is, so we should send them back. But aren't more people good for the party? Oh yeah, you would say that, wouldn't you? Typical leftist, wokeer, hearty journalist.

I bet you'd want to let them all in. Open door policy, you'd say. Oh, sorry, I'm struggling to see what you're upset about. Get that tippy, wacky-backy out your ears and listen. This used to be a great party, before all these lot come over. Back then, it was just me and a couple of others shouting at a lamp post.

A face I drew on a spoon with the party treasurer for eight months. And most importantly, I got all the air time. Now the news is always filled with some new reformed counsellor saying something like sparkling water turns kids gay. It used to

be me on TV saying that. And we're just hearing that in the latest opinion poll, reformer further ahead than ever, with even more people joining your cause. Oh, God, when will this nightmare ever end? You're listening to The World at One with me, Sarah Montague. Peace talks between Russia and Ukraine have stalled. However, the BBC can exclusively reveal

that the British government has recruited an elite negotiator to put a deal across the finish line. He joins me now. Hello, Sarah. I'm sweating back at sea. Can someone get me a large glass of rosé, Pronto? Al-Qar, I have to say you seem an unlikely choice to negotiate peace between Putin and Zelensky.

Rude? Did you not watch the traitors? My manipulation skills are second to none. I'll have them both convinced I'm on their team. So how do you propose to deal with Putin? The same way I did with Paloma Faith. Lots of friendly chit-chat, some cheeky banter, then boom! He's straight out of the game. Alan, with all due respect, this sounds like quite a big mission even for you.

Oh, no. I'm so good at plotting behind the scenes that I've secretly been doing it for years. Remember the Abraham Accords? Me. The Armenia and Azerbaijan peace deal. Me. Celia Emery's far. Actually me.

Have I been given the credit for it? Have I heck? Well, I'm very sorry. I seem to have underestimated you. Water under the bridge, love. Anyway, I'll best be off. I'm voting at the round table to banish Zelensky and guess who ends up as president of Ukraine?

It's going to be you, isn't it? Me? Oh no, I'm far too busy, what with all the shows, the BBC are now begging me to star in. I'll get Claudia to do it. She's got that scary pooting glare off to a tea. Oh, I'm so catty. Hello, everybody. I'm Sarah Cox. And welcome to the marvellous miniature workshop.

The show, where highly skilled miniaturist craftspeople recreate things on a tiny scale. Very nice. Basically, it's what would happen if the people who came up with the repair shop did a lot of ketamine. This week, workmates Keir and Rachel are here. Good day. Hello. Look through here, guys. Now, the team have been really hard at work, and they've created the tiniest thing we've ever made.

Look down this microscope. Gosh. Wow. Yes, it's your chances of winning the next election. Miniskey. That's tiny. Can you see the tiny cat in the tiny hell we've made? That's your chances.

So cute, isn't it? Glass. Oh. So join us next time on the Marvelous Minuture Workshop when we'll be getting the microscope out with the England cricket team to show them their ability to learn from their mistakes. mistakes. Hello?

Vladimir, it's your number one buddy, the Donald. Again? It is 4 a.m. in Moscow. I told you, I would be sending you the new U.S.-Ukraine peace plan in the morning. And I can't wait to read my latest ideas to end the war. It's time that nasty, stubborn Zelensky agreed to give ground. Yes, all of it, to me. The thing is, Vlad, since Epstein died and Melania's got these new locks on the door,

you're my only true friend. Dad Zelensky is such a creep, a bad man. He refuses to hold elections, but you, Vlad, you've already held your next three. You're the best. You really get me. I understand all of that, but you have. to stop ringing me in the middle of the night. If I don't get eight full hours,

my day goes right out the window, along with my defense minister and two of us around the night. Oh, he's gone. I miss him already, but wait till Vlad hears the new East Wing ballroom has a hot tub built just for two. So snuggly, so bubbly.

You're listening to, the Today program with me, Emma Barnett, in London. And me, Amal Rajin, absolutely everywhere. The headlines. With cases of the H3N2 superflu surging and hospital admissions skyrocketing, NHS bosses are warning we could be just days away from Chris Whitty saying, next slide, please.

This has been a tough festive season for labour, but it's the superflu that is wreaking havoc with traditional seasonal events. Joining me now is one person badly affected. Yes, Amos, this is really worrying. I'm very busy at Christmas, and this is going to take a real chunk out of my income. If I have to cancel all my gigs, then I'll be right, buggered.

I'll have to sell the turkey and it at the kid's guinea pig for Christmas. I'm sorry, our researchers didn't supply me with your name. Who are you again? Catherine Jenkins. It's been revealed this week that whilst on a date with Pamela Anderson, Liam Neeson fought off a bear. Liam Neeson has released a statement. I don't know who you are bear

and I don't know why you think you have a heart stare I can tell you that I don't have any marmalade but what I do have are a very particular set of skills skills that make me a nightmare for darkest Peruvian bears like you if you let my duffel coat go that'll be the end of it

I will not look for you I will not pursue you but if you don't I will look for you I will find you and I will find Aunt Lucy and I will kill you. I'm Sophie Ridge

and this is Sky News. Labor's opinion poll ratings are at an historic low and there's open talk in the party about whom might replace Sarkir Stama. The Prime Minister joins me now. Settle down at the back, please. It's your own time you're wasting.

Sarkier, you're going to. Your government's managed to become incredibly unpopular in just 18 months. How are you going to steady the ship? Well, Sophie, I have decided now is the time to be bold. And bring someone controversial back into the cabinet after she had to resign. This person is an inspirational reminder that no matter who you are, you can still make it to the top. You're bringing Angela Rainer back? Not her, no.

Oh my God, you? I know! That once again, it's the renegade trusser. Prime Minister, you're appointing Liz Trust your cabinet. Absolutely right. To get the British public back on side, I've appointed Liz Trust to an important new post. The minister for remember how bad it was before, though.

Maybe we're not that terrible, yeah. Chaos is a ladder, baby, and I'm swinging that thing round like a... chuckle brother on Charlie. But why? Because people need to really count their blessings that I'm the man in charge. Someone with all the dynamism

of a hair clog in the shower. Liz is here to slay the game girl boss styly. I'm like the K-pop demon hunters. I'm a load of random words coming at you. You can't believe I'm a thing. And the only people who relate to me are six-year-olds off their bow.

on Harry Bowes. So from now on, whenever I announce a policy, my new minister here will announce what she would do, given the reins of power again. I'll give you an example. I'm going to increase the national insurance tax on employers. And I'm going to abolish the National Health Service and replace it with a Dachshund with a first aid kit.

How do you like me now, vote? voting public. And what about this? I'm going to curtail the right to trial by jury. And I'm going to convert the old Bailey into a laser quest. Zap, you're guilty, jokes. You know what?

I think this might just work. I know. BBC sounds, Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to Newscast with me, Chris Mason. And me, Laura Coonsberg. Christmas is the perfect time to reflect on another remarkably successful year

here at the BBC. Because in the 12 months to Christmas here at the BBC, we've had... 12 rows on Gaza. 11 memos leaking. 10 strictly scandals. 9.

Racist rumblings. Eight dodgy edits. Seven, Storm is on social. Six lawsuits filed for five billion pounds. Four Lineca tweets. Three board splits. Two bosses quit. Does Alan Partridge run the BBC?

Dead Ringers was performed. by Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson, Kieran Hodgson and Josh Berry. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howeth, Sarah Campbell, Sophie Dixon and John Holmes. Additional material by Alice Bright, Rachel E. Thorn, Jennifer Walker, Joe Topping, Alex Buchanan and G. Watson. Dead Ringers was created by Bill Dare. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4, and the producer was John Holmes. Thank you.