Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers Christmas: Ep 2. A Very Kemi Christmas and a Lammy New Year

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

The Dead Ringers team are back to train their festive firepower on the week’s news with an armoury of impressive impressions.This week: Scrooge is visited by the ghost of a Money Saving Expert, and The Grinch more than meets his match.This week's impressionists are Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisbey and Jess RobinsonThe episode was written by: Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, Sophie Dickson, Peter Tellouche, Jon Holmes, Rachel E Thorn, JoJo Maberly and Cooper, Mawhinny & SwerytCreated by Bill Dare Producer: Jon Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Caroline BarlowA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Hello, Greg Jenner here, host of your dead to me. In my new family-friendly podcast series, Dead Funny History, historical figures come back to life for just about long enough to argue with me, tell us their life stories and sometimes get on my nerves. There's 15 lovely episodes to unwrap, including the life of Ramsey's the Great, Josephine Baker, and the history of football, plus much, much more.

So, this Christmas, give your ears, a treat with Dead Funny History. You can find it in the You're Dead to Me feed on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Christmas, and it's the Grinch is time to shine. I'll make a miserable Christmas very much mine. Our Prince ever stocking, it's drinket, it's treat. I'll cancel all cheer from my cold, joyless seat. The Grinch is depressing, wretched and vicious, determined to ruin everyone's Christmas.

But wait, what's this? I've crept into town to wreck everyone's day. But someone's beating me every step of the way. That's right, Mr Grinch. It's me, Rachel Reeves. In a miserable Christmas, the whole country believes everything's buggered thanks to my budget. Just one look at me and you'll want to say, fudge it.

So cancel those parties and let feasting be fleeting. Still, things could be worse. I could be Wes Streeting. Dead Ring Us Shut up, Losers. Shut up, losers. So this week I have been criticized for my comments about the death of the film director.

Rob Reiner. Reiner. People are accusing me of celebrating a tragedy and showing a lack of respect by talking about this guy. Very bad guy, very bad for the country, suffering from Trump derangement syndrome. Look, we all know who is in the wrong here.

The BBC, very terrible corporation, very terrible. The baddest broadcasting corporation, that's what I call it. And they're in the wrong because they were the ones who reported my exact comments about Rob Reiner's death according to exactly what I said. I'm guessing they used AI. So this is why I filed my lawsuit against them this week. And we fight.

We fight like hell, which I definitely never said, by the way. You're watching ITV-1 on Christmas Day. Is the internet down? Anyway, you're in luck as we've a new adaptation of Dickens' classic A Christmas Carol, starring Sir Patrick Stewart as Ebenezer Scrooge. Bah, humbug. How I detest Christmas with all of its foolish extravagances, an unnecessary expenditure.

Worry not Ebenezer Scrooge help is that hand. Who are you that appears before me? Identify yourself. Are you the ghost of... Christmas future. No, I am Martin Lewis, money-saving expert. Here to help you manage your finances this Christmas. I have to warn you, Scrooge.

Tonight, three ghosts are going to visit and turn you into a changed person. And you will wake up on Christmas morning, all reformed, and you will want to buy the biggest turkey in the shop. What? Don't do it. Large turkeys are in a necessary expense. Here is what you are going to do. You buy ten small turkeys on a zero percent interest credit card.

You put the money from that into a high interest saver. You put the interest into an account with cashbacker. that ticket to switching fee. You put the fee into the high interest, you put the interest into the cash back. You switch the cash back round, around, around, around, and boom, you have fed the entire cratchit family for less than two shillings each.

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson in London. And Emma Barnett, also in London. The headlines. A ceasefire has been declared, bringing a temporary end to a ferocious and bitter conflict. Yes, Nick and I have finally. agreed to present the show from the same studio. And I can confirm that on Christmas

day we will be playing football against each other in no man's land, or, as it's more commonly known, thought for the day. Resident doctors are striking for five days this week. Joining me now as the Health Secretary, Wes Streeting. Mr. Streting, you've been accused by the BMA of scaremongering. Don't come near me!

If this super flu spread, any further, we're all going to die! Thank you for having me. So what is your view of these strikes? Can I just say, Emma, that I am shocked and appalled? Well, yeah, saying you're shocked and appalled seems to be pretty much the only thing you're doing. Now, that's not fair, Emma.

And for you to suggest that, well, I'm shocked and appalled. And I say that as someone who so far today has been shocked and appalled on Good Morning Britain, Jeremy Vine, Lorraine, Lou Swimming this morning and several other programmes I've been shocked and appalled speaking personally I'm shocked and appalled

surely as Health Secretary you should be taking active measures to prevent the strike I am taking measures Emma and for you to suggest otherwise frankly I'm shocked and what's more and I don't say this lightly I'm appalled

health secretary what concrete Street steps are you going to take to end this strike beyond saying you're shocked and appalled. I am prepared, Emma, to take the most radical step imaginable. Which is? Saying that as well as being shocked and appalled, I'm also appalled and shocked. I don't see Emma.

Even just hearing myself say those words. Well, I'm shocked at appalled. West treating, thank you. You're watching Peston with me, Robert Pestan, the man with an ever-changing voice like a manual gear car being driven by someone who learned in an automatic. I'm joined now by the Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood. Wonderful to be here, Robert.

Thank you for having me on. Not many people want me on their shows because I talk in a robotic stilted way like I'm a first-time contestant on just a minute. Not at all. I love people who speak in a strange way for obvious reasons. So with Labour languishing in the polls, some critics say your tough new immigration policies are an attempt to outreform. Reform.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, you say that, but... No, no, no. Let me speak. These new immigration laws I've written on the back of the... the beer mat are nothing like forages, which were scribbled on the back of a fag packet. But you are following reforms lead on immigration, aren't you? Not in the least. We are simply introducing fair and sensible measures to deal with these people who are coming over here, taking our jobs, stealing our children, eating our hamsters

and marrying our cats. Home Secretary, you do seem quite unhinged. Oh, you think? Thanks very much. I know reform have set the bar pretty high on that score, but I'm doing my best. Unhinged is what the British public demand, so that's what I'm giving them, which is why I've decided, even though I was born here,

to now deport myself. You better come quietly now, Ms. Mahmood, because I'm not afraid to taser myself. My true love, Juliet, she is taken from me. Oh, faithful poison. Work swiftly now With this last kiss

I die What's this? A cup Still warm In my true love's hand Poison I see now Have been his timeless end

Then Romeo is gone Oh cruel fate Well I'm glad he's dead Romeo was a bad guy, a very bad guy, very bad for the country. He had total Trump derangement syndrome, and all those Montague's and the Capulets, very bad people, terrible people, all in on the Russia hoax, and Romeo was dating a 13-year-old. Why doesn't the fake news media investigate him instead of me?

I'm Ray Winston and this is history's toughest heroes and think the rest is history podcast but for odd bastards 2025 December a leader of men and women not a huge number of men and women but still

and this leader decides now is the moment to show the world's how tough he really is. Surrey, David. Thank you, Mr Speaker. In the light of President Trump's decision to instigate legal proceedings against the BBC, can I urge the Prime Minister

to pick up the phone to President Trump and have a bit of a word with him? What, look, how do you like that, it's tough? Now, I ain't taking no prisoners. Mr. Speaker, President Trump needs to be told in no uncertain terms that I'm not overly kidding. on the way he's behaving.

Have a bit of that, Starmus, a red divie is one seriously naughty geese. And furthermore, should President Trump not withdraw his legal action, I would not hesitate to be a bit cross. Hang on, Mush. Let me just interrupt this.

Is that it? Seriously, come on, Ed. You'll bring's lost chance. Stama is Trump's footstow. Farage is so far up Trump's posterior He's looking out of his eye holes You have to find your inner wolfhead This could be your moment, me old muckar

Yes, you're right, right When I become PM I'm gonna go full Prime Minister Hugh Grant in love actually I'm gonna punch the President And then knee him in the balls Great, great now The only flaw I see in that plan was when you said

When I become PM Ed, you're a lib dem. Well, oh yes. Right, good point. Well, then I'll just... I'll paddleboard to America dressed as a groundhog. History's toughest heroes.

Next week, Alan Carl gets sassy with the ladies at a boots counter. It's Christmas. So it's time for those annoying ad... for perfume. What's Natalie Portman's secret? I'm running along a beach. Now I'm dancing by a swimming pool and laughing at nothing.

Now I'm jumping off a cliff. What's Tilda Swinton's secret? I'm sitting in an uncomfortable dress waggling a piece of black silk and kissing my own knee. What's Emma Watson's secret? I'm sitting in the lotus position in a big triangle, in the middle of the jungle and then maybe I jump on

a pogo stick with a stiletto shoe on my head and then I'm naked hiding my nipples with doves what's their secret? The secret it's an odor which drives respectable actors wild money

the smell the smell of money humiliation the new fragrance from Chanel Prada Gucci Dior and Javon Humiliation, why not try it? Johnny Depp does all the time. I'm sitting by a rock with a cougar scratching my balls.

And I'm visibly fatter than I used to be. But there's just more space to rub on after shave. There's Miss Perthume adverts. And you, what would you do for money? Hello and welcome to the rest is football. I know the title doesn't make sense, but that's branding for you. Today we're looking forward to the World Cup next year in North America. Alan, your thoughts?

Well, Gary, you know, England have to go into the tournament as one of the favourites. They've got a decent draw, certainly Croatia, Panama and Ghana. Ghana will struggle to get out of the group, and the Panama players will struggle to get out of the airport without being handcuffed by ice agents in military fatigues and Kevlar. And I hear Trump's demanding to see five years of social media history before visitors can enter the US.

Aren't you a bit worried about that, Gary? No, not at all, Alan. All my tweets are heartfelt and compassionate because I'm a beacon for the poor and oppressed. I'm like Gandhi, except Gandhi didn't score 48 goals for England in 80 appearances. So, if you think about it, I'm better than Gandhi. Still, maybe the El Salvador

or mega jail that dump you in will be better than the travel odds the BBC put us up in last time. Can't be any worse. But with excitement building for the tournament, we can now speak exclusively to the England captain, Harry Kane. You excited, Harry?

Ah, listen Gary. Captain in England at a World Cup. Even a World Cup where it's become drawn out and bloated because of the number of teams involved where many of the games will be played in dangerously oppressive heat, where ordinary fans have been priced

out by the obscene ticket instructor and where the very soul of the tournament has been sacrificed to satisfy the vengeful whims of a capricious autocrat well, it's, uh... Well, that's a dream come true. You're not sure whose dream exactly, but I think we can safely say

they've eaten a little bit too much cheese before bedtime, you know what I mean? And of course, things are going great for you at the moment to buy a munich. Nick, do you think playing in the German league has changed you? Well, I know people often ask me that, Carrie. And what I say to them is, I'm still in the same spielder that I've ever seen.

So, you know, no, not really. Hello, Greg Jenner here. Host of Your Dead to Me. In my new family-friendly podcast series, Dead Funny History, historical figures come back to life for just about long enough to ask. argue with me, tell us their life stories and sometimes get on my nerves.

There's 15 lovely episodes to unwrap, including the life of Ramsey's the Great, Josephine Baker, and the history of football, plus much, much more. So this Christmas, give your ears a treat with dead funny history. You can find it in the You're Dead to Me feed on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I am Professor Brian Cox, and welcome to the Infinite Monkey Cage. Now, you may have heard that my regular co-host, Robin Ince, has left the show

because the BBC considered some of his views to be problematic. But I'm pleased to say the BBC has found a replacement. No, no, no, let me hypothesise. No, it is me, Professor Knight. 2,000 consecutive appearances on question time and counting, mate. Nigel Farage, you are the new non-concourt. controversial apolitical replacement for Robin Ince. Exactly. It's not political of its good old-fashioned common sense.

For example, we don't need all this elitist sciencey rubbish about gravity. The earth being round or humans coming from monkeys. If humans came from monkeys, right, why are there still monkeys? And why do I find it so hard to climb trees? The ordinary people of Britain, no things don't evolve. They just get progressively worse, whether that's the British economy or female sports commentators being allowed to talk about men's sports.

Everything always turns to crap. Sounds like you're describing entropy, Nigel. Entropy, was that a pudding? No, entropy is a key concept in the second law of thermodynamics. Actually, I think you'll find that's a reform party manifesto. Everything gets worse, so you might as well just vote for us and accelerate the process.

Thank you, Nigel, for your insights. Coming up next week, we tackle one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all. Why do presenters with left-wing views like Gary Linneker and Robin Ince disappear into a BBC black hole? But right-wing tweeters like Sir Alan Sugar seem to escape the gravitational pull of the HR department. Actually, actually one final question from me, Brian. This infinite monkey catch of yours, where is it

and could it be used to house asylum seekers? I'm so cold, Jack. Rose, you're going to get out of here. Do you understand me? Don't leave me, Jack. Rose, you must promise me that you'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.

Jack. Jack. Well, I'm glad he's dead. Jack was a bad guy, very bad, very bad for the country. He had total Trump derangement syndrome, very anti-iceburg, too. And I like ice. Good people, this guy deserves to be dead, so stupid. Very bad at drawing naked ladies.

Much worse than the drawing, which I definitely. never sent to my friend Jeffrey. You're listening to LBC, which must mean that there's a tradesperson working in your house. Up next, it's James O'Brien. It's 10 a.m. This morning, as usual, I'm going to spend three hours telling you what you think and why you're wrong for thinking it.

But first, here's Kerry with the weather. Well, as we head into Christmas week, the big day is nearly here, and I know most of us are hoping for a white Christmas. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just going to have to stop you there. Why? Because you've said over half a sentence without me interrupting you, Kerry, and that's... It's not how I deal with people. It's simply not credible to say that most people are hoping for snow this Christmas. Those of people hope for snow at Christmas.

You can't argue with that. What about people who are allergic to frozen crystalline water, Kerry? Or people whose aunts and uncles were killed in snowball fights. Will they be hoping for snow? Well, no. Precisely. So by making such a ludicrous statement, you forced me to gently move my head from left to right

for the benefit of filmed social media reels, available on all the main platforms, while simultaneously looking upwards and furrowing my brow like a toddler that needs a poo. Look, James, I'm here to do. the Christmas weather forecast, and it's just nice if I acknowledge that there are some people who want it to snow. Carrie, Kerry, I'm going to draw attention now to an equivalent fallacy, which is the belief that Eskimos have a hundred different words for snow. Why am I doing that?

Because you're a... Rhetorical question. It's simply to give myself more words to say. Do you understand now? For goodness sake! Right, here's the forecast. It won't snow this Christmas, even though you might think you want it to. The end. Well done, Kerry. Yet another person that James O'Brien has persuaded to change their mind to the right way of thinking, tug's beard, the only way of thinking, rolls eyes, which is my way of thinking. Hefty, sigh. Together we've used up before two minutes of our listeners,

slow march towards the grave. Only another two hours and fifty-eight minutes to go. You're listening to today with me, Emma Barnett. The headlines. The company that makes Rumba robot vacuum cleaners, has filed for bankruptcy when asked why they had to do this, the CEO of Roomba slid underneath a sofa and refused to come out. Former Chancellor George Osborne is taking a job at OpenAI,

whose chat GPT software leads the AI revolution. Widely feared as a soulless jobs killer, George Osborne should fit in quite well. To gauge the reaction inside the AI community, we spoke to a Terminator, sent back from the future to stop George Osborne. This is serious, Emma. George Osborne has to be stopped.

Or do you know what terrible thing that man will do? Start the war between humans and machines? What? No austerity. In your future, he will decimate the UK and cripple your economy with swinging cuts based on a bankrupt political philosophy. You have to stop him. I'm afraid he did that back in 2010. Did he?

My bloody time machine has gone wrong. I should never have bought it from the company that makes room buzz. You're watching Sky News with me, Sophie Ridge. Like Sophie Rayworth, but without the urban grid. A group of 40 Labour MPs have written to the Prime Minister to say they do not support proposals to limit trial by jury. I'm joined now by the man behind those proposals, Justice Secretary, David Lammy. Good morning, Sophie. And let me begin by saying...

David. David. It's your inner monologue here. You've been doing interviews about these proposals that even you don't think are a good idea for weeks now. So you know exactly what to do. What I'm here to say. Just stick to the agreed line, David. No need to accept. temporised is precisely what I'm saying. Okay. Trial by jury is a pillar of British justice. Are you really going to do away with it? Look, Sophie, I'm aware this is a big step,

but I mean it's not like trial by jury is the only sort of trial that's ever existed, is it? Uh-oh, where are you going with this day? There have been lots of different ways of doing trials over the years. Some of them may be even better than trial by jury. What did I just say

about not extemporizing? Such as... Well, such as trial by... Trial by... You've got yourself into a right lambie now, haven't you? I mean, a good example would be trial by... Do you want me to suggest...

something, David. What I'm thinking of specifically is trial by combat. Combat. Combat? No, not combat, sorry. What I meant to say was trial by

sheep dogs. Sheep dogs. Sheep dogs? You're suggesting replacing trial by jury with sheepdog trials. Absolutely not, Sophie. And I'm delighted to have the chance to refuse that suggestion on your show.

Oh, for Lammy's sake. Okay, well, that's all we have time for. David Lammy, thank you. Thank you, Sophie. Merry Christmas. And a very lammy Christmas to you, too. You complete and utter lambie. Bambie.

Bambi, come here. Look, new spring grass. Oh, boy. It's beautiful, Mommy. Wait, what's that over there? Hunters, run, Bambi, run. Mommy! Well, I'm glad she's dead. Bambi's mom was a very bad lady, a very bad lady.

a very bad, terrible, very bad for the country. She had total Trump derangement syndrome. Very anti-gun, too. Now on Channel 4, in a change to the advertised program, Kirstie's Handmaid Christmas with Kirstie Olsop, it's Kemi's Handmaid Christmas with Kemi Baderna. Welcome to Kemi's Hand Loomed Chryseltide,

where, like Kirstie, I will be providing inspiration with my own special festive how-toes to try at home. Like many people, each year, I make classic seasonal items such as this Christmas stocking, hand-stitched from the pubs of a marmoset. Because I am a low-energy weirdo. And I also like to make sure my traditional Christmas badger is stuffed with plenty of festive fireworks.

I always cherish the look on my kids' faces when father carves the badger and we all have to dodge the Catherine wheels. Later, I'll be enjoying the wonderful Christmas tradition of roasting Chesterfield sofas outside an abandoned leisure centre. Finally, it's time to prepare the pigs in blankets, which is important,

although they are not very good at staying still while I tie the duvets around their waists. So, there you go. I hope you've picked up a few seasonal tips. May, I wish you all a very chemi Christmas and a low-energy weird new year. Dead Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby.

It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson. Lawrence Howard. Tom Coles, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Peter Toulouche, and John Holmes. Additional material by Jojo Mabelie, Rachel E Thorne, Cooper-Mawinny Swerit. Dare Dringer's was created by Bill Dare. It's a BBC Studios production for Radio 4, and the producer is John Holmes. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that your love.

looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room. Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic cats? Evil or genius? Pig out on evil animals in the evil genius podcast feed.

First on BBC Sounds. Hello, Greg Jenner here, host of Your Dead to Me. In my new family-friendly podcast series, Dead Funny History, historical figures come back to life but just about long enough to argue with me, tell us their life stories and sometimes get on my nerves. There's 15 lovely episodes to unwrap, including the life of Ramsey's the Great, Josephine Baker, and The History of Football, plus much, much more.

So this Christmas give your ears a treat with dead funny history. You can find it in the You're Dead to Me feed on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.