Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - Christmas Specials 2021 - The Multiverse Special

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

A "Today programme" special which takes a satirical look back at recent events in alternative earths around the multiverse. There are worlds in which England attempts to break free from the yoke of Scottish rule, the most serious pandemic is Man Flu, Love Island is an important world power, Ronnie Corbett is worshipped as a god and TV series Succession is also wildly popular - but not as you would know it.Performed by Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jan Ravens, Debra Stephenson and Duncan Wisbey.Written by Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Edward Tew, Sophie Dickinson, Rob Darke, Dan Audritt and Kat Butterfield, Cody Dahler, and Duncan Wisbey.Producer... Bill Dare Production Coordinator... Caroline Barlow Sound Designer... Rich Evans A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Dead Ringers. The Multiverse Special. This is Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. Now, over Christmas, we've often had guest editors, but today we've opened up the show to guest universes. That's right. We're exploring the multiverse.

Scientists have long speculated that there are countless versions of Earth that exist alongside ours. Just imagine the mind-blowing possibilities. An alternate Earth where teleportation is the chief mode of transport. Where holidays on Mars are as commonplace as a week in Spain? Could there even be an Earth where Michael Bublé doesn't have a Christmas album out? Actually, the answer is no. In physics, this is called the Bublé constant. We're joined now on the line by Professor Brian Cox. It's lovely to be with you, Martha. Now, could you explain how the concept of the multiverse emerged? No, I can't. Oh, is that because there's no way to prove that any other

universes exist? No, nothing like that. It's because on the alternate Earth, B78, where I live, I'm not a professor. No? No, didn't even go to uni. Left school at 15 to work in my dad's chip shop. I'm still here. Two cod, two addict, battered sausage, large chip strap separate, salt and vinegar. So this opens the possibility that there are thousands of Brian Cox's out there, all doing different jobs. And in fact, I think they're all calling in. That's right, Martha.

On my alternative earth, I work as a deep-sea diver. Amazing. Anyone else? On my alternate Earth, I'm a champion female pole vaulter and can vault heights of a mile or more into the wonders of the night sky. Incredible. And on my Earth, my group DREAM continue to be successful even after things can only get better.

So I'm a massive rock star. Oh, really? And does your universe have a lot of flying pigs? How did you know that? So now let's look back at 2021 in the multiverse. One of the most pressing issues of the year on our Earth has been climate change. But we can now speak to Greta Thunberg on an alternative Earth B47, where they've actually managed to solve the climate problem.

Lovely to be with you, blah, blah, blah. So you have no climate emergency there? No, all sorted. Thousands of billions invested in clean energy as soon as the extent of the threat to life on Earth became apparent 20 years ago. You must be delighted. Not at all. No climate change means instead of sailing around the globe

looking like an angry doll that's come to life in a horror movie, I have to go to school instead. Every day. Have you ever been to school in Sweden? No. Well, it's horrible. Nothing but sex education, ABBA and compulsory saunas. This world sucks. Blah, blah, blah. That is why I'm deep underground. I've opened my first coal mine. Sorry, you're mining fossil fuel? Filthy, dirty carbon. I love it. I predict that in ten years' time, all this coal we're extracting will have created a new climate change emergency.

And once again, I will be the world's most famous child activist. Hang on, you'll be the world's most famous child activist. Hang on, you'll be 28 by then. What? No. We need to go faster. Dig, David, dig. I'm digging as fast as I can. Is that Sir David Attenborough? You're mining coal as well? Of course. Without the looming threat of climate catastrophe,

my natural history programmes are basically just nice films about aardvarks. I want icebergs melting, forests burning, and a guillemot with an especial pod stuck in its beak. That's where the big ratings are. So, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, the whole day through. You're listening to the Today Programme Multiverse Special, looking back at multiple realities in 2021. And I believe we're joined from Universe B17-5

by a version of Sir Keir Starmer. Hello, Nick. May I wish you a Merry Christmas within certain cautious and sensible parameters? Are you similar to the Keir Starmer in our universe? Yes, it turns out every single version of me so far discovered is almost exactly the same. What uninspiring and dull.

But I still believe there's a crazy maverick Keir Starmer out there somewhere. A Keir who doesn't iron his jeans, who doesn't count the number of crisps in a packet to ensure he's not being ripped off. I'll bet my live, laugh, love scatter cushions there's a Keir Starmer out there in the multiverse who likes to live life on the edge. Well, we have heard about one who thought of having a curry

but then went with a pie instead. Oh, thank heavens. A curry? We'd have been dealing with the aftermath of that for days. I've touched a bullet with that one. Phew. Meanwhile, we can now speak to Michael Gove on Alternator 713. Hey, hello there, Martha. Now, this is a bit strange. You know, in my world, you're the host of Naked Attraction.

Oh, dear. It's not as bad as it sounds, because nobody here has genitals. So, what sort of year has it been in British politics in your reality? Did Brexit play out differently? Hmm, what's that? Brexit? UKIP? The 2016 referendum taking back control? Boris Johnson? Nigel Farage? Oh yes, I know those two. Always tip your bin men at Christmas. That way they take away the bulky stuff at the end of January. Explain this Brexit to me. Well, it meant removing ourselves from tariff-free trade with our largest trading bloc. That sounds a little on the crazy side.

Which meant businesses large and small were burdened overnight with red tape, forcing some industries, such as Scottish fishing, to go to the wall almost overnight. Right. It also meant we were no longer allowed to travel and work freely in 31 countries on our doorstep. You're killing me. However, on the upside, we now have a totally different coloured passport. Stop it. I've got a stitch. Oh, sorry, I can't breathe. Brilliant, brilliant. I do love a good leg pull.

And in this universe, you're one of the people that made it happen. Why on earth did I do that? So you could stab one of your oldest friends in the back and advance your own career, whatever the cost to the country. Yeah, does sound like me, to be fair. So while Brexit never happened in that universe, elsewhere, the whole process has now played out in full. And in universe M854F,

Brexit has led to some very surprising consequences. People of Britain, I'm here to announce what I believe is a cracking new deal for this country that will help establish us in our proper position on the world stage. Because today, the UK has joined the Russian Federation. Free from the yoke of the EU, we can finally take our rightful place at the top table alongside our natural allies, Dagestan and Chechnya. Truth to say, Russians already own half of London,

and all our football clubs and dodgy oligarchs have been keeping our banks afloat for decades. So this is really the next logical step. I will now be able to silence my critics with this handy file of Novichok, a personal gift from our new head of state, President Putin, who is here with me now. Once Britain left Europe, it was easy prey, even easier than annexing Crimea. We are thinking of using the UK as maybe a big prison or the landfill site. We will call it New Siberia. Precisely the opportunities Britain craves.

Finally, as a country, we have purpose again. You see, folks, outside the EU, Britain will once again be a great nation that commands the respect of the whole world. Now get me out of this hellhole. In our universe, the United States of America has a long history of causing death and destruction by invading foreign countries. But in 2021, they turned the tables and caused death and destruction by leaving a foreign country, Afghanistan. Elsewhere in the multiverse, though, the troubled relationship between the two countries has taken a different course. My fellow Americans, I bring grave news about our country. After two weeks of war, America has surrendered.

The Taliban have declared victory and will now rule this great nation. I guess we underestimated them again, darn it. However, our two sides have much in common. We're both very pro-gun, pro-death penalty. We both adhere to a rigid religious ideology that discriminates against women and hates homosexuals, and we both think evolution is a hoax. Despite all this common ground, the Taliban stated their core mission to divide America and pit us against one another until we tear ourselves apart. Then I explained that our record on racial equality and the punishing wealth divide was doing that job just fine.

So have no fear. America will go on as normal. In fact, things might even get a little less extreme. Allahu Akbar, and God bless the Islamic States of America. I thought he might say, make America caliphate again. Why again? Never mind. One of the most bizarre transfers of power in the entire multiverse occurred in alternate Earth LN45.

Thank you for attending the official press launch of this year's G8 Summit. Please welcome the president of our host nation. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Love Island. After the success of our show led to us being declared an independent nation, we still never expected to become a ruthless global superpower. But as our natives say, it is what it is.

Our empire encompassing Britain, Southern Europe, and basically everywhere else is proud to host the G8. Our Vice President Kelly, 21, from Blackburn, is ready to welcome dignitaries down at the pool. While Chancellor Curtis, 19, from Canvey,

is in the snug, eager to talk fiscal policy and make his pets dance up and down. Any questions? President Sterling, what will the main topics be at the summit? We'll be talking trading blocks, tariff-free movement of goods and whether Justin Trudeau is Angela Merkel's type on paper. Back here in Britain, 2021 has been dominated by questions around Boris Johnson's leadership. Questions like, leadership? What leadership?

And, he's Boris bloody Johnson, what did you expect? But around the multiverse, Britain has many different and equally surprising prime ministers. None more surprising than in Universe P98. People of Britain, this is your prime minister speaking. I will leave this country for the many, not the few. Gosh, a universe where Jeremy Corbyn was elected. Who said anything about Jeremy Corbyn was elected. Who said anything about Jeremy Corbyn? I, Piers Corbyn, will achieve fairness by removing the exoplasmic microchips that were

injected into each of our pinky toes at birth by complicit midwives in the pocket of big oil. Gosh, how extraordinary. But apparently, in yet another universe, a female Labour leader was elected. Is that true? Of course not. I just said that for balance. You're listening to the Today programme Multiverse Special with Martha Carney and Nick Robinson. And now health. 2021 has, of course, been dominated by the efforts of modern medicine to fight Covid. But in other universes, medicine is still in its infancy.

Sire, the Black Plague gets more savage with each passing day, and the suffering of the people worsens. Must the king insist on doing nothing? He doth not do nothing, peasant. He has his best people on the job. He doth? He doth. Art thou sure he doth? Okay, fine. He kind of doth. He's put Matt Hancock on it. Bloody good fist I'm making of it too.

I mean, we might have slightly under-ordered on the medicinal leeches, but these are teething problems. Well, sucking problems. Slightly under-ordered. There's literally one leech being passed person to person. Yes, but Lady Dido of Harding assures me that it's a really good leech, well worth the three trillion florins we paid for it. You see, Sire Hancock only awards contracts to the best of the best. Exactly. If by best of the best you mean some bloke I met in a tavern once. And of course your declaration that we must avoid physical contact to stop the plague spreading was most sensible.

And a decree we have all stuck to. Um, yes. We have all stuck to it, right? Well, uh... Hast thou not stuck to it? Okay, okay. I may have been caught once or twice snogging the infected, but I was under a lot of stress. Ha! A messenger

approaches! Sire, I must report that a message from the king to his special advisor has been intercepted. A vote of confidence in yours truly, no doubt. Well, not exactly, sire. It says, Matt Hancock is effing hopeless. Harsh but fair.

Meanwhile, in an alternative universe GL89, a different version of Matt Hancock was facing up to a different kind of pandemic. And here's an alternative 6 o'clock news to explain all. This is the 6 o'clock news with me, Sophie Raworth. Just moments ago, the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, announced that there has been a nationwide outbreak of man flu. This is an extremely serious made-up medical condition. I'm urging all men to stay indoors, not go to work,

and be waited on hand and foot whilst watching old episodes of Top Gear. The picture painted by Professor Sir Chris Whitty was a bleak one. As you can see, the man flu virus is spreading at a terrifying rate. Next slide, please. With one man in 30 now reporting that he can't take out the rubbish for bin day. Next slide, please. Or take the kids swimming as he promised. Next slide, please.

As unless he watches the entire afternoon of Sky Super Sunday football, he'll relapse. I'm joined now by Matt Hancock. Hello there, Sophie. It's nice to speak to you. So you think man flu is serious? If it carries on like this, Christmas could well be cancelled because no man is going to go into that drafty attic to get decorations with man flu, not when there's chicken soup and a good war film on the telly. So what are you going to do about it?

I've thought long and hard, and I think I'll get my mates to buy shares in Benelin and then be useless and then get sacked. You sound as awful as the Matt Hancock from our universe. This might be a different universe, Sophie, but it's not that different. In our universe, British and French politicians have spent the year 2021 struggling to find answers to the migrant crisis. But in universe T84, different patterns of tectonic activity when the Earth was formed mean there is no English Channel.

And in fact, the whole of that world's population lives on the single landmass of Pangaea. Although that hasn't stopped certain Pangeans worrying about immigration. No, no, no, let me vlog. It's day 937 as I, big-nige leader of Pangea, stand on the coast of Pangea with my binoculars, waiting for the next boatload of immigrants to arrive. Sure, the soy boy snowflake brigade will tell you, why on earth would anyone come here by boat?

We all live in a single landmass, but to those people I say, cut your hair and wear a belt, you grotty little hippie. When I told my wife I was going to camp out here with nothing but this tent, my wellies, some binoculars, four cans of Pangaea Pride

and a flask full of delicious hot tea, she said, the flask's full of beer as well, isn't it? And I said, yes, and so are my binoculars. Well, I will admit, I've never actually seen an immigrant. I thought I saw one once, desperate, hideous creature he was, haunted and haggard, but it turns out I'd fallen asleep in a urinal and caught my reflection in the back of a Dyson Airblade. Well, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

And I bet dozens of the scroungers will be turning up at our shores any moment now. You watch. They'll come. You'll see. You'll all see. Oh, God, what am I doing with my life? I've been here for years and still not... Oh, my goodness! A migrant boat! The invasion's arrived! Panjip! Panjip assemble! Hang on. No, sorry, it's just a seagull.

Still, best take a closer look. I'll put on my wellies. Oh, no, that's right, they're full of beer. Now, we had hoped to bring you the breakfast news from Earth-26b, but it appears that Earth-26b has been, well, utterly destroyed. We're looking at the drone footage from the planet, and there seems to have been some sort of nuclear apocalypse. Indeed, as our drone lowers, it would appear that not a single living thing has survived.

What a tragic and sobering thing to contemplate. Hang on. I can just make out a person walking on the charred surface. Oh, my God. I know! Liz Truss, what the hell has happened on your planet? Chillax, Nick. Basically, I was living my best life, you know,

like, speaking my Fozzo secretary truth to, like, North Korea and Russia and stuff and, you know, giving real main character vibes. Anyway, those guys got, like, really extra with me, like for literally no reason. And I was like, okay, boomer, sorry, not sorry. Anyway, long story short, there was a nuclear apocalypse. I know, iconic. Right, so you provoked a nuclear war and you're the sole survivor. clear war, and you're the sole survivor. I know! Somehow, my impenetrable shell of self-belief protected me from all the Razzy D, and now I'm the only living creature left. I slayed it! Best foreign secretary ever, am I right? I've eliminated all the foreigners. Just wait till you see what I do as Brexit secretary.

Trustastic. You're listening to a Today programme special as we look back on 2021 as it played out across the entire multiverse. Entertainment now. This year, Netflix dominated ratings with a drama which exposed the savage cruelty human beings can inflict on one another. Oh yes, I love The Crown. No, Martha, I'm talking about Squid Game, the South Korean drama which came from nowhere to be the number one show in the world. 465 players risked their lives in a savage contest to win a massive cash prize. Hard to imagine anything more horrific than that. As it happens, Martha, in Alternate Earth 56, they had a version of Squid Game that's much worse. So, our Sharoneer and Tony, don't they make a lovely couple?

Well, we're going to gas you unconscious now and send you off to an island where there's going to be sea, sun and a laura laura murder. Yes, instead of playing children's games, these Squid Game contestants have to compete in 1980s TV game shows.

Contestants, proceed to the games arena. Today's game is about to begin. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Elimination Game. It's knife to see you to see you. Knife! Marvellous. Player 213, well done, my love. You survived the learning how to Morris dance round, unlike most of the Morris dancers. Open to the conveyor belt now. Right, so now you need to remember 16 of the 20 objects

before the clock in that giant scary doll's head counts down. Very best of luck to you. Off you go. Fondue set, stationary set, playing cards, steak knives, cuddly toy Dinner service Cheese board Washing machine Whisk

Set of pyjamas Playing cards Oh, times up Didn't she do well? Sadly, not quite well enough So you've failed the elimination game So here comes the lovely Anthea Sporting a very fetching, off-the-shoulder machine gun

Give us a twirl, Anthea. Squid game, squid game. Great Super Smashing. Welcome back to Bullseye. Super contestants. Now, player 174, you have three darts. They're all poison-tipped and you have to throw them at the giant board we've strapped your three friends to. Now, kill all three. You'll proceed to the next game. But if they live, you die. Great super smashing. Remember, stay out of the black and aim for the head.

You get nothing in this game if just two are dead. Also remember, you play not just for your life, but more importantly, bullish star prize, which tonight is the speedboat. Goodness me, player 174 has decided to make a break for it and try to escape in the speedboat. He's not going to get far in that. We're in a TV studio in Birmingham.

Sadly, Tony, this night will end with BFH. Bus fare home? No, bazookas firing haphazardly. Look how many are aimed at him right now. 180! haphazardly. Look how many are aimed at him right now. 180! In Universe K-94, documentary making hasn't been invented yet.

This means that would-be documentarians have to find other forms of employment. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the Shoe Emporium. I'm Louis Theroux, and I'll be on hand to help you with any purchases you might make today. Oh, thanks very much. What's your name? Can I ask that? Is that okay? Are you all right with that? Are you comfortable with that? Uh, yeah, yeah. It's Carol. Carol. Hmm. Is that your real name, Carol? Or is it a persona you've constructed to hide from your dark past? I beg your pardon? I wanted to know what had brought Carol, a young, seemingly normal woman, to the shoe emporium. Sorry, who are you talking to? I was beginning to think my presence was making her nervous. I'm sorry, is there someone else I could speak to?

My time with Carol was coming to an end, and I could sense that I was no closer to understanding who she was or why she was here. I just want a pair of shoes. I decided to consult my supervisor John Runson. Hi there, how can I help? Hi, yeah, could you get me this shoe in a size five please? We don't have that shoe in a size five. All right, that's a shame. I was curious to find out where the shoes had gone, who had taken them and what were they being used for? Oh not you as well. The answer to these questions would be surprising, strange and send ripples through the entire world of footwear. Could I speak to your manager? Hi there I'm Stacey Dooley. What seems to be the problem? I'm having a bit of trouble here with your two colleagues.

I hear what you're saying. But don't you think the real problem lies with, like, society? Sorry? A society where young women have been forced to wear shoes by decades of male oppression. Do you want to sell me a pair of shoes? No, because it would only reinforce the patriarchy. Plus, they're not really your colour.

Bye now. One of the most fascinating aspects of the multiverse is discovering a plethora of different radio programs one of my favourites in 2021 was one on an alternative radio 3 you're listening to radio 3 with me ian skelly later on you can hear part 12 of our series on the history of the recorder. How very exciting. But now it's time to go over to the lunchtime concert with Gary Lineker. Hey, welcome to the Wigmore Hall. During my time as conductor of the Royal Philharmonic,

I tackled most of Debussy's orchestral pieces, from the impressionistic Lemaire to his fastidious orchestrations, Eric Sarti's famous Gymnopédies. But it's his piano works to which we turn today. With me, as usual, our virtuoso bassoonist, Alan Shearer. Hi, Gary. I see you've brought your world-famous bassoon with you. Never leave home without it, Gary.

And, of course, director of music at the Academy of St Martin-in-the-Fields, Rio Ferdinand. All right. Turning to you, Alan, Debussy, a family favourite, but can these pieces present some challenges for today's pianist? Absolutely, Gary. Some of these pieces involve a lot of tricky finger work, especially in the development section of the Tarantell Styrian.

But one thing we do know about this afternoon's pianist, Raheem Sterling, he's got very fast fingers. Fortissimo percent all day long. No one's as presto as Raheem. When he gets in, he was precipitando. And we can expect some exceptional runs up and down the middle of the keyboard. True, we should expect some classy impromptu coloratura action around the middle octaves, but is he able to play in all areas?

Well, you've nailed the problem there, Gary. You know, I worry about some of those arpeggios up to the high octaves. Yeah, he could be in trouble if he tries to reach out and go wide, because he's only got little arms, isn't it? So true. And this is an all-too-common problem for shorter players. You know, they overreach themselves in the cadenza, get all

furioso and spiritoso in that three-octave glissando up to the top E flat in the dance bohemian. They lose the balance, come off the stool and hit the floor some of those arabesques are a big ask

well it's time to find out as coming out onto the stage to begin with Etude in G minor is this afternoon's pianist Raheem Sterling oh no we've just heard

he's going to be on the bench for the whole first movement gutted many television shows across the multiverse have similar themes to ours, although in terms of tone, they might well be barely recognisable. None more so than this acclaimed HBO drama. Oh, I have just met a lady investor with enormous assets. Sounds like my kind of bird.

investor with enormous assets. Sounds like my kind of bird. Yes, on alternative earth B-17, a dynastic drama called Carry On Succession swept up all the industry awards. I need to get my hands on her conglomerates. Oh, you dirty so-and-so. No, behave. But how are you going to meet her before the board meeting in 20 minutes? We'll have to fly there. Yeah, you'll have to get his chopper out. No, I should have you know my chopper only gets used at Christmas and on birthdays. You must be desperate. You're listening to the Today Programme Multiverse Special. An alternate, Laura Koonsonsberg is on the line.

Hello, Nick. I'm at Holyrood outside the Parliament building. Oh, and why are you there? Well, why wouldn't I be here, Nick? I'm a political journalist and I'm standing outside the building of the Government of the United Kingdom, the seat of power for the whole of the British Isles. Oh, I see. In our world, Parliament is in Westminster. Westminster? In London? That's right.

OK, you don't have your main Parliament where all the great thinking, the developments in science, engineering, literature have taken place over the last century, not to mention where the oil is, but you do have your main Parliament where the M&M store and Peppa Pig World is. Makes complete sense. So it works then? Yes, yes, everyone's happy, especially the local businessmen. There's nothing I enjoy more than celebrating my Scottish heritage here at Turnberry, the bigly best golf course in the entire world, because it's a Donald fact, Donald fact,

that I'm 18% Scottish on my mother's side and 82% Oompa Loompa on my dad's. What about the English? Has there been talk of independence? There's been talk of England breaking away from the Union for years because they feel the Scottish government unduly punishes them, though the Scottish King Alex Salmond denied this. The English are our friends. We bear no animosity towards them for inflicting the archers on us and we don't in any way bear grudges towards them or enjoy seeing them suffer a lot. As if!

But suspicions lingered as Nicola Sturgeon addressed the Parliament. Look, today I unveil our latest piece of legislation which we intend to try out on England. It outlaws any English person putting anything sweet on their porridge. You heard us, you sass and axe. No honey on your porridge. And all your beehives are to be impounded as part of a programme we're calling the Clearances.

In time, one man would rise up against the hated Scots and bring the tribes of England together. He made a famous speech to residents of a care home in Wakefield. Turn off the TV, Gladys. Put that cup and saucer down, Arthur. We march on Scotland at dawn. They may take our hides, but they can never take our freedom. William Wallace Haig led his blue-rinced warriors up the M1 after having packed some travel sweets and a flask of tea, but the Scots were too clever for him.

They hid outside a little chef and waited for his people to get peckish. After that, reprisals were swift and cruel. So, Laura, will the Scots ever let England go? It's unlikely, Nick, as Scots so rightly point out, how can a small country like England, whose principal exports are EastEnders and racism, really stand on its own two feet? Laura Koonsberg there, in Universe K512. Now in the interest of balance,

we should look at a universe where England is doing a little better. So let's go over to alternative universe G34 and speak to football focuses Alex Scott. Alex, how are things over there? England is doing fine and dandy here, Nick. No problems at all. They've all been solved. Wow. How did that happen? Well, in this universe, England won the Euros, beating Italy on penalties. In the euphoria, the English peoples rose as one and made Gareth Southgate Prime Minister. In my time as England manager,

I've always conducted myself with dignity, integrity and decency. And I intend to display those qualities as your prime minister, which will be a bit of a novelty, I realise. But let's give it a go. Who did Southgate appoint to his cabinet? Marcus Rashford, obviously, as education secretary. Harry Maguire was put in defence, but he started another war with Greece and was sacked. But Southgate reached out right across British sport for his administration. Tennis champ Emma Raducanu became head of forward planning.

My focus is on the year 2023, because that's when I expect the economy to return to sustained growth, the public finances to be balanced, and the British sporting public to turn on me for no obvious reason and decide I'm not actually British and they hate me. And was there a role for Harry Kane? Oh, no, because the British public made him king. Yeah, cheers. Thanks. Nice one.

My loyal subjects. OK, are you? Right. One has spent the last year touring the Commonwealth, to be fair, teaching the band of the Grenadier Guards to play the Match of the Day theme and visiting Japan, where one was welcomed by President Naruhito

and bagged a hat-trick and a 5-0 win. Well, you know, I mean, scoring bullet headers while wearing the Imperial state crown, that was a dream come true, really, innit? So, Alex, is there any sleaze in Southgate's government? Hardly any, although last month it was discovered that the Minister of Agriculture had been taking kickbacks. In my defence, my decision to get rid of all the farm animals in Britain and replace them with corn

has nothing to do with my relationship with that company. I am not in the pocket of big corn. I am taking no more questions at this time unless they are specifically about how corn mince is a cheap and nutritious alternative to nice food. You're listening to the Today programme Multiverse Special. In our world, religion is still the source of great conflict. From the religious right in America to the fundamentalists of ISIS... To the biggest battle of all, trying to be first to turn the radio off when thought for the day comes on.

In some universes, there are Britons where Christianity is not the dominant religion. Let's go to Universe 794 and hear an episode of one of their Sunday afternoon religious programmes. Hello, and welcome to Songs of F***ing Praise. Look, I don't know what f***ing universe I'm in. I don't even know what day it is. Anyway, here's our first guest. Praise be. Hello, loves. It's Thora here.

I expect that, like me, you're currently lying naked in the forest with your bodies smeared with mud as we sing out Blessed Be to the Wold God Woden. Oh, yes, isn't paganism smashing? There are certain godless people who think paganism is all dancing round naked in the moonlight, drinking woad laced with hallucinogenics and indulging the pleasures of the flesh. And thankfully, they're right.

That's why I look like this and I'm only 33. Blessed be. Across the multiverse, there are many different religions, with some very surprising leaders. All right, well, that's... No, it's quite enough of that. Yes, it is. Otherwise, my head will become so big, I shall fall off my huge chair. So, good evening, good evening.

Now, as my producer, wonderful fellow, as my producer reminded me, he said, Ronnie, Ronnie, he said, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. Do you remember back in 1981, you'd only just donned your blonde wig and corset for the big number at the end of the show when the leaders of the world religions bundled you into the bag of a limo

and explained that religious conflict was up and that congregations were down and they needed a leader who absolutely nobody could dislike. And Michael Palin was busy. And so it was that I abandoned my hitherto very successful television career to become the face of the one true religion on earth, Ronnie's. Of course, another reason I was chosen is because I can't possibly be threatening due to my small stature. I use a sock for a sleeping bag. Bit big.

The other week I was in bed with my wife Anne, and she said, Darling, would you like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet? Taken aback, I replied, Yes, of course I would. She said, Good, run down the kitchen and fetch me a glass of water. But I digress. So everyone, let us light our four candles and recite the traditional prayer. Let us light our four candles and recite the traditional prayer. Dearly beloved, a police station in Sidcup has had its toilet stolen.

The police have nothing to go on. It's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. You're listening to the Today Program Multiverse Special. Sexual orientation comes in many guises across the multiverse, with LGBTQT going right up to Z. Then starting again with the Greek alphabet. In many cases, new sexual freedoms have had beneficial effects on world affairs.

People of Russia, this is your president. Yes, I speak English here. Since coming out as gay, I've had time to reflect on my past actions. I'm sorry for obliterating Ukraine. That was me trying to overcompensate for not feeling comfortable in my own skin and had the need to act out in an overtly masculine domineering way. I don't know why more of you didn't guess. I mean, could I have been any more obvious? Going round bare-chested and showing off my massive warheads? Hello? Where was your gay there there

people, hmm? But seriously, I'm less interested in the whole natural thing now. Instead, I spend my time going to farmer's markets, choosing cushions, watching RuPaul's Drag Race, and other stereotypical gay things that I've seen mentioned on English panel shows. You haven't mentioned musicals yet.

Oh yes, and musicals. It's fun to stay at the USSR. In our universe, politics in 2021 has been dominated by Boris Johnson, as he staggered from misstep to gaffe to disaster like Frank Spencer, but without the roller skates or the gravitas. But what is Boris Johnson like out there in the multiverse? We can now talk to Jeremy Vine on Alternate Earth 569. Hello there, Nick. Out of interest, on your Earth, do you still host a Radio 2 phone-in? On your earth, do you still host a Radio 2 phone-in? No, we don't have phone-ins here, Nick.

We just assume Kevin from Hartlepool's solution to the migrant crisis is going to be unbelievably idiotic and play records instead. Fair point. So what sort of a Prime Minister is Boris Johnson in your world? Prime Minister? He's not even a politician! This little package I've prepared should explain. London, the swinging 60s. The cars are minis and so are the skirts. And one cheeky, fresh-faced funny man is about to hit the big time. Madame Shopkeeper, this is the best green grocers for miles. I'm liking

your melons. Oh, thank you, kind sir. By which I mean your tits. Yes, this was the Boris Johnson show. With its mixture of slapstick, stereotypes and innuendo, it lasted for more than 30 years. To modern eyes, it may seem crass and distasteful, but one of the original Johnson's angels, Barbara Windsor, defended Johnson's style of comedy. Well, it wasn't sophisticated, darling, but then neither was Boris. I still remember watching him

salivating as he chased scantily dressed young women round the park and thinking that would be a good bit for his TV show. The Boris Johnson show was an instant hit, although some fellow comics weren't as enthusiastic. Here's Bernard Manning. Well, it's all right, I suppose. But all that stuff about watermelon smiles and Muslim women looking like letterboxes, it's all a bit racist for my tastes. Right through the 70s, Boris Johnson rode high in the ratings. But he did have his detractors, like this memorable clash on a late night chat show. Jemaine Greer, you believe the Boris Johnson show,

with its books and blunts and outdated tropes, is a tired anachronism of a sexist age? Precisely, Melvin. Boris Johnson, you are a misogynist pig. Actually, what? That's a bit strong. You revolt and disgust me. You consider women to be little more than decorative props to be chased. Well, I don't think that's fair.

All I can say in response is, fancy a good time down under with this pom, you weirdly sexy Aussie fembot, moi. Stop chasing me. Why has that music started? Why has everything speeded up? Why has my skirt fallen off? But with the advent of alternative comedy in the 1980s,

the Boris Johnson show fell out of favour and it seemed his days on primetime TV were numbered. Until... Welcome to Have I Got News For You? And on Ian's team tonight is someone who needs no introduction or deserves one. It's Boris Johnson. Now, this is a serious, satirical show,

so please, no patting the top of my head. I give you my solemn word, I will not pat the top of your head. Um, you're actually patting the top of my head. I give you my solemn word, I will not pat the top of your head. Um, you're actually patting the top of my head, and your wretched show's theme music is playing, whilst you're promising not to pat the top of my head. Wait, what? Then I promise not to do it anymore. Ah, why has my suit fallen off?

Yes, an ironic appearance on Have I Got News For You made Boris Johnson popular all over again. Although, in truth, his popularity outside of the UK had never really faded. Alexei Sayle. That's the thing you've got to remember. We think of the UK as this modern, cultured, enlightened country, but if you ask people in America, say,

who embodies the British sense of humour, they'll all say it's Boris bloody Johnson. I mean, how depressing is that? That's all from our look back at the multiverse in 2021. I'm off to spend the holiday in Universe G67, where I'm six foot tall, have long flowing locks, and there are no Brussels sprouts. And I'm off to Universe TDX2, where everything is six foot tall, have long flowing locks and there are no Brussels sprouts. And I'm off to Universe TDX2

where everything is exactly like ours except that the Today programme starts at half past ten. Goodbye and Happy Christmas. Dead Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howe, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, © BF-WATCH TV 2021