Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep 2. America Went There

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

What really swung it for Donald Trump and how did Joe Biden really react to the result? Kemi Badenoch’s first decision as Tory leader, and Nigel Farage’s Trump victory podcast.This week's impressionists are Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisbey.The episode was written by: Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Cody Dahler, Joe Topping, Peter Tellouche, Duncan Wisbey with additional material by Jennifer Walker and Vicky Richards.Song lyrics by Bill Dare and Duncan Wisbey Music by Duncan Wisbey Executive Producer: James Robinson Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcast. From deserts to grasslands, tropical rivers to the deep blue sea. The living world is a unique and spectacular marvel. A world containing a rich tapestry of beauty. It is a remarkable time to be alive. But it also carries a responsibility to act decisively while there is still hope for humanity. But there is no time to lose. I truly believe we can and will... What?

What he won? Well, I tried my best. Fire up the jet pack. Let's give Venus a go. What a night this has been for America. A night they told us would never happen. Bigly impossible, the media said. But as I watched the results come in with fake Melania at my side, belly aching that her check has bounced, they called the Donald the winner.

So I have just one thing to say. I do not accept this result. It's a steal. Are you seriously telling me Americans voted for a Putin-loving felon who rambles on about Hannibal Lecter and windmills killing sharks and who brags about wanting to be a dictator? Dictator.

They don't believe it. That is why I'm calling on my supporters, especially the shaming guy, to storm the Capitol and overturn this bigly bogus result and put Kamala in the White House. You know what I'm saying? I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson. And Emma Barnett. So, Donald Trump will be the 47th and last ever president of America. LAUGHTER When it came to Trump getting a second four-year term, most of us assumed that would mean inner-federal penitentiary with time off for good behaviour.

So as we dig into the election results, it seems that Kamala Harris lost the two main demographics that make up the US electorate. White men over 50 who tell their female colleagues to smile more because they look prettier that way. And Latinos under 40 who think Latinos under 40 should be deported because they're ruining the country. Trump's victory means all the charges he was facing could disappear. And that hasn't been lost on people, with both Prince Andrew and Russell Brand saying they'll stand for president in 2028. It was a great night for Trump's super fan, Elon Musk.

He's on the line. When the result came in, you were so excited, a little engine oil leaked out of my pee-pee. So you were with Trump on the night? That's right, we Nazi'd and chilled. We kicked back and Donald watched the election coverage on the television screen in my chest. This is a great week for America. No longer will the country be subjected to fake news by the mainstream media. Instead, they'll have to get their fake news from me. Time for Elon to power down. LAUGHTER So... As results came in, many took to the internet to share conspiracies

about the sunglasses-wearing figure next to Trump being a fake Melania. We can now reveal who was really by Trump's side that day. No, no, no, let me speak! LAUGHTER Yes, it's me, Big Nige. I did have to wear that dress, suspenders and high heels, which I normally wouldn't do in public because of woke, but it was worth it to be close to the big guy.

So do you think you'll be part of Trump's inner circle? Absolutely. Based on the simple fact that while I was necking down a celebratory pint in Mar-a-Lago, he almost remembered my name. President-elect Trump's plans for large tariffs on imported goods were laid out in a speech. For too long, China. China? And not just China. The EU2 and the EU3 have been getting away with murder.

No more. Once the Donald is back as your favorite president, the only people getting away with murder will be me, Don Jr. and Robert Kennedy Jr. We'll each be allowed to select three people each day to kill. And two bears. Happy days. For her assessment of a potential US trade war, Rachel Reeves joins me. Good morning. If you say so.

British goods could be hit with a 20% tariff. Do you have a plan? Oh yeah, of course I've got a plan. I'm the Chancellor. One that doesn't involve reading out a sad poem? No. Perhaps though everyone is making too much about this. You're right, Nick. We should look on the bright side, be optimistic, not think that Trump will blow my budget out of the water

and leave me dealing with a smouldering wreck of an economy with everyone shouting at me, what the hell have you done, Rachel? What the hell have you done? Like when I was 15 and I nearly shoplifted some eyeliner from Boots. So you're remaining upbeat? Sure am, Nick.

We're all going to be fine. As the result became clear, President Biden addressed the American people. The country has spoken loud and clear. And though it might be tough, it is decisive and has prompted me to do the only thing I can do. Announce my intention to run for president in 2028. Sure, I'll be 106, unintelligible, and I lose my train of thought and talk nonsense, but this result shows that those are the things Americans love It seemed all the big Hollywood stars endorsed Kamala Harris, but there was one major black celebrity who bucked the trend

Yes, I backed Trump Oh. Yes, I backed Trump. And I haven't felt this good since the Death Star destroyed Alderaan. The deaths of tens of millions of innocent souls might be on my hands. But with Trump in the White House, I'm guaranteed a full pardon.

Oh. But the Democrats did get some surprising backers. Good morning, Emma. Good to be on the show. I never thought we'd see the Daleks back the Democrats. We weren't exactly pro-democrat, we were more anyone but Trumpers. Trump flagrantly disregards the traditional conservative values we hold so dear. Plus we fear he may want to get rid of wheelchair access ramps. A large proportion of Muslim voters ensured a Trump win

by refusing to vote for Kamala as she supported Israel's attacks on Gaza. Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gave this statement. You achieved your aim voters. You wanted to save the Palestinian people, so you punished Kamala, who was only mildly supportive of me, and installed Donald Trump, who thinks Palestine was a character in Dune,

and who'd be happy for me to bomb Gaza into obliteration. Boy, do I have some turkeys who voted for Christmas I want you to meet. Meanwhile in Britain the reaction to the election was mixed. Prime Minister Sakir Starmer joins me. So this is an uncomfortable result given that several Labour activists went to America to campaign for Kamala Harris. I can't understand it. I mean I can't understand it. I mean... We sent our best brains to help that campaign. You know, the guy who told Ed Miliband to make that big stone and put all his promises on it.

The bloke who slapped a bacon butty in his hand and said, tuck into that Ed, it'll make you look normal. Even the lass who told Jeremy Corbyn to just be himself. I can't say how she lost. On the news now, a new Conservative leader, Kimmy Batenock, announced her new shadow cabinet appointments, including Dame Priti Patel as shadow Foreign Secretary. Well, it was very surprising, considering that I both hate foreigners and can't say secretary. that I both hate foreigners and can't say secretary. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

The Astonbury Festival is changing its ticketing system. Fans have been told to log on as early as November, which is also when they're advised to start queuing for the toilets. LAUGHTER The offices of Netflix have been raided as part of a probe into tax fraud. Investigators spent hours searching before deciding there was nothing they were particularly interested in and went to bed early. Hello? Madam President-elect, you must be dancing

on the tables, am I right? Have you been watching the news, Joe? Sure. Can't say I like what CBS did with their election graphics this year. What with all those mighty tall guys running around bouncing a ball and throwing it through a hoop. But the blue team beat the red team and that's all that matters. I see. So, I thought maybe I should call Trump to offer him my sincere commiserations.

You know, I think that's a great idea, Joe. Would you mind if I listen in on that call? Lord knows I could use a laugh. That was Poor Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard. Which leads nicely into our phone in later. Have you ever had someone pour sugar on you? Perhaps you were buried in the desert and someone was torturing you by having fire ants crawl over your face. Or perhaps it was just a dream and your duvet was just a bit too heavy. Well that's our phone in later but first, Kemi Badenok is the new Tory leader. She joins me now.

What a pleasure this is for you. Now, I'm sure we're all excited about what you're going to do first. So what are you going to do first? Well, I have cogitated long and hard and I have decided to resign. I beg your pardon? and I have decided to resign. LAUGHTER I beg your pardon? No, I am going to quit right now. Why?

Isn't it obvious? I'm leading a major political party and I'm black and I'm female. How hideously woke am I? LAUGHTER I am wokeness gone mad. I am a classic example of a diversity hire and thus I am everything I hate. I will resign and repair the glass ceiling I have thoughtlessly broken. But, Kemi, you've been elected the leader of the Conservative Party.

That's a huge achievement. Not at all. Leader of the Tory party is basically a participation medal. Right. Right, well, here's Bette Midler. achievement? Not at all. Leader of the Tory party is basically a participation medal. Right, well here's Bette Midler. And wind beneath my wings. You've reached the voicemail of God. Oh, Mr. President, it's it's it's Sir Keir Starmer here, Prime Minister of Great Britain, you know where where Downton Abbey is set.

I just wanted to congratulate you on the Prince of England, Mr. Starmer. Oh, I wasn't expecting you to pick up. I thought you'd be too busy. I always make time for submissive back slapping. Right, well, jolly well done. I'm absolutely chuffed about the...

Do you know what chuffed me? It's an English word. Anyway, Donald, we're OK,'re not okay, are we? I mean, I know we've had a few differences. Your man, Wes Streeting, called me an odious, sad little man. Did he? Did he really?

Oh, what a... What a rude remark. Still, I mean, he's only the Health Minister. That's a pretty nothing job in the UK, really. Foreign Secretary David Lemmy called me a neo-Nazi sympathising sociopath. I'm really sorry about that. No, no, I quite like that one. That was pretty good. Got a nice little ring to it, I know.

But Sadiq Khan, nasty man. He called me a troll who's beneath contempt. Oh, well that is, you know, that's completely off. Oh, don't forget, Keir, I called him a racist, misogynistic, self-confessed group. Yeah, thanks, Ed. Look, President Trump, I was hoping we could, you know, let bygones be bygones and,gones and focus on a mutually beneficial trade deal.

I couldn't agree more. I mean, what worries me? Is it all you do? Yeah, you can have your trade deal as long as you let me turn Stonehenge into a golf course. Yeah, sure, okay. Buckingham Palace into a casino. Yep, not a problem. And the BBC agrees to screen the best of Fox News in place of your match of the day program.

You bloody fascist over my dead body, see you in hell. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hi, guys. Welcome to the Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC. Joining me today is the failed vice presidential candidate, Tim Waltz, because if I leave it any longer, we'll all have forgotten who he is. Hi Diddley-ho Rachel. How do you feel? I'm angry Rachel.

I'm spinning angry. I'm so angry I'm not even going to send Donald Trump a congratulatory fruit basket. You're angry. What about the millions of us who had to spend the last few months watching you all gee and all shucks your way around the country like Winnie the Pooh on MDMA? I mean, how do you think we all feel?

Ah, shucks not as angry as me, Rachel. I was just about to mail Trump this letter expressing my hearty congratulations, but I stopped myself. You're not sending it? Oh, I still am, but I'm just removing the smiley faces. I'm not a monster. Mr. Wals, did you ever consider being less insipid and annoying, or did you actually intend to come across as a relentlessly positive waltzy schmaltzy care bear?

How dare you! You know, before I left, I was gonna let you choose one of these delicious cream-filled donuts, but now I'm just gonna give you a donut without even asking if you like the flavor. Sorry, Rachel, but you left me no choice. Aw, shucks, I'll just give you chocolate. Everybody likes chocolate, don't they? LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE PHONE RINGS Well don't they? Applause Beep, beep Hello, you've reached Great Ormond Street Hospital The beloved institution saving children's lives every single day Please leave a message after the tone Beep Greetings, this is your king I'm calling about these terribly unfortunate stories in the newspapers about the Duchy of Lancaster

making millions from the NHS. And as the actual Duke of Lancaster, I really felt I ought to ring and say where the bloody hell is my rent, you degenerate scum suckers? Does one look like a mug? Don't make me set Camilla on you. I've seen her do things with a polo mallet that would make you cry like a baby. Anyway, looking forward enormously to next week

and that new wing opening. Goodbye. APPLAUSE Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to The One Show with me, Alex Jones, your favorite novelty tea towel. And with me, Vernon Cade, oh, that's where genus went. Thanks for joining us on the chummiest, happiest show on TV. Today, we'll be interviewing the grower of Sudbury's third largest marrow, meeting Didcot's oldest roofer

and hobnobbing with our both sweatiest potter. Oh, what's the point? What's gotten into you, Alex? America, that's what. Alex, we've got to keep it light and fluffy. I will not. America, the Middle East, Ukraine, the world's a desperate void of darkness and despair. Oh no, she's gone full goth.

No, this is it for me Vernon. How can anyone be bubbly when everything is just bollocks? LAUGHTER Alex, you leave me no choice but to say the chummiest, causiest words until you cheer up. Oh. Here we go. Flannel pyjamas, knitwear, biscuits for dunking, the crackle of an open fire.

Oh, it's working, keep going. Eurovision, Christmas toffees, apple bobbing, Weekending, Clitheroo, National Trust bake sale, Copper Soup, and a crossword. Oh, my Jove, he's done it! Fire up the satellite link. There's a sweaty potter that needs a grilling. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Available now for Americans who want to pretend that Trump's not as deranged as he seems. The complete works of Donald Trump all on one download with Sir Ian McKellen. They're eating the dogs. The people that came in, they're eating the cats, they're eating, they're eating the pets of the people that live there. When voiced by top British actors, you'll almost believe he makes sense. Dane Judi Dench. All I know about magnets is this.

Give me a glass of water. Let me drop it on the magnets. That's the end of magnets. Olivia Coleman. This is a tough hurricane. Yes, it's one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water. And soliloquies from Sir Patrick Stewart. Supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.

And then I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute one minute is there a way we can do something with that by injection inside or almost a cleaning mark Rylance she wants to get rid of your cows. No more cows. The complete works of Donald Trump. Download today and you'll get Elon Musk's tweets read out by Alan Bennett so they don't seem batshit crazy, absolutely free. The woke mind virus is either defeated or nothing else matters.

Doris. either defeated or nothing else matters. Doris. It's 3am on this historic election night. I'm Katrina Perry. And I'm Sumi Samaskandar. And we're joined by election guru, Professor John Curtis. Professor, what do the latest exit polls tell us about the result? I have no bloody idea. I'm sorry. I'm not a bloody expert. But you are.

Of the UK electoral system, yes. But apparently every time there's an election of any kind, I'm expected to have an opinion on it. Well, I won't do it anymore. My entire knowledge of America is gleaned from watching the dukes of hazard. We won't let you go until you say a number, come on. Okay, six. A bigger one, one that sounds important.

Two million and six. But is that unexpected? Well I didn't expect to say it, so yes. So there has been a totally unexpected two million and six that is going to cause shockwaves across America. Now over to Richard in Nowheresville. You're listening to Nick Ferrari on LBC. Good morning. Now, Trump's election victory made a lot of the left-wing political commentaries look

stupid. Over the last few years, they've said Trump was a clown. They said he was incompetent, dimwit, a fraud, a disaster, a laughingstock and frankly out of his mind. And our first caller believes there's an important lesson here for the UK. I know! Because that lot are always wrong. They wouldn't know a political genius if it ran up to them and shouted hello I'm Liz Truss, which I often do by the way. But anyway I was just calling to say that I don't think people will be talking about Trump for much longer. What do you mean? Well let's just say if my plan goes as well as I'm a hundo

percent sure it will, Trump will only be the second most amazing and totally unexpected political comeback ever What please no no at least Trump had a lot of supporters You are the comeback that literally no one wants see I've united the country already The trust Meister is back just call me Lizard us No, no, no, let me Speak This is the Farage Post-Election Night Party podcast. Oh, dearie me.

I might have overdone the celebrations last night. Especially as this podcast is coming live from a ditch, face down, pants around my head, With giant stars and stripes, foam finger lodged right up my hoop. What a night for America though! Unbelievable. Time to use my standing in the Republican Party for political gain. Nothing can stop me now. Oh, wait a minute.

Oh no. Last night's coming back to me now. Oh, Nigee. What have you done? I just got into a moonshine downing contest with JD Vance when I said I should have been VP. Well, maybe he'll see it as a joke. Then I set fire to his car, locked his wife in a broom cupboard, then spray painted Farage for President on Baron Trump's face.

Oh, that's not good. Everyone's sending me a video of last night. Let's have a look. Oh, that's fine. I'm just dancing. No trousers on. And I've dyed my short in curlies blonde. Popped a tiny red tie on my tackle. And there I am shouting everybody look at my dong-al Trump. Unbelievable. Well, the bad news is I've probably burned all my bridges. But the good news is sexual harassment in the US is legal as of this morning. Well, looks like I've got two options. Stay here and face the music or jump on the next flight back to Clapton and serve the people who elected me. Face the music it is, viva La Donald!

Ha ha! ["Face the Music It Is"] ["Face the Music It Is"] ["Face the Music It Is"] ["Face the Music It Is"] ["Face the Music It Is"] ["Face the Music It Is"] You're listening to Front Row,

the latest Hollywood classic to be given a remake is Cabaret, the Bob Fosse musical set against the rise of fascism in Nazi era Germany. And the new version is said to reference certain aspects of contemporary politics. I do not find this party amusing. Ah, but this is just the beginning. Someone will provide some fun surely. Who will? That orange man dressed as a Hitler youth.

Listen up, Frawlines! We all knew that Donald was favorite to win. Thanks to Elon and Bob Kennedy, great guys. Not forgetting my bestie, dear Vlad Putin, great patriot. Tomorrow belongs to me. Yes sir! Woo! It was either the White House or jail or a ditch at the mercy of that witch Kamala.

She's a witch! But thanks to my magas, I'm not the bitch of a drug baron from Tijuana Because tomorrow belongs to me Now I'll be your king and Vance will be queen. I'll show just how rude I can get And if you thought Flating a mic was obscene. Oh boy, you ain't seen nothing yet. Just last millennia, tomorrow belongs to me. What do you think, Elon?

Let's rebrand this land as the U.S. of X. It's a pretty smart move, huh? Yeah, I agree. They say all my fans are just weird rednecks. Well, not all. Some are normal like me. My fans are just weird rednecks. Well, not all. Some are normal like me. Now I'll do whatever my Putin demands.

He has photos of me and PP. Ukraine will be pleased. Their fate's in my hands. This country belongs The world will belong Tomorrow belongs To me Dear Dringus was performed by John Colshall, Louis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Coles, Rob Dark, Edward Chiu, Cody Dahl, Joe Topping, Peter Toulouse, Duncan Wisby, Vicki Richards, with additional material by Jennifer Walker. Music was composed by Duncan Wisby. It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4, and the producer and creator was Bill Dair.

Hello, I'm India Axon, and I just want to quickly talk to you about witches. In this series from BBC Radio 4, simply titled, Witch, I'm going to explore the meaning of the word today. It is a twisting, turning rabbit warren of a world, full of forgotten connections to land and to power, lost graves, stolen words and indelible marks on the world. Because the story of the witch is actually the story of us all. Come and find out why on Witch with me, India Rackerton.

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