Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep 3. Glastonbury, Benefits, and Bombs.

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

The Dead Ringers team are back to train their vocal firepower on the week’s news with an armoury of impressive impressions. This week: Trump drops the F-Bomb, Lammy drops another clanger, and money saving expert Martin Lewis drops into NATO.Cast: Jan Ravens, Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisbey and Kieran Hodgson.The episode was written by: Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles, Sophie Dickson, Toussaint Douglas, Peter Tellouche, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Jon Holmes, Alice Bright, Katie Sayer, Davina Bentley, Rachel E Thorn, Chris Ballard and Pete RedfernCreated by Bill Dare Producer: Jon Holmes Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This is Iranian state TV and now a message from our supreme leader. Glorious people of Iran, our nation stood with one voice. Today I celebrate our victory over the warmongers Israel and America from my personal bunker deep beneath 150 feet of solid concrete may all our enemies perish and sorry excuse me um sorry I'll tell her could you buzz up a bit sorry a bit cramped in here who the hell are you oh Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm Keir. You did say we're under 150 feet of concrete, didn't you? Oh, good, right, should be safe here.

Actually, you don't have a bunker under 250 feet of concrete, do you? I know all my MPs are a nasty bunch of loony lefties trying to stab me in the back. Dead Ringers! Shut up NATO Summit losers! It's your daddy here. It's been so good for me to get involved with this war between Iran and Israel. Two countries whose names I can pronounce.

So nice and short. Nicest names. Shortest names. Iran should have known not to mess with the Donald because I'm a man of peace, which is why I dropped the bombs. I love those bombs. Did you know they make a tiny little mushroom cloud? Although I heard enough about tiny mushrooms during my court case with Stormy Daniels. They're saying that my big beautiful bombs didn't do so much damage.

Fake news. They did big damage. The best damage. And no, there is no more enriched uranium anywhere in the whole world it's all gone the only thing that's getting enriched around here is me because let me tell you this folks Don Jr. is on QVC right now he's selling the new Trump bunker buster cigarette lighter solid Solid gold plastic. And definitely not made in China. Apart from the bits that are made in China. Which is all of it. Anyway, gotta go now. There's a Nobel

Peace Prize with my name on it. Or at least there will be when I find my Sharpie. So long, losers. Or at least there will be when I find my Sharpie. So long, you gents. APPLAUSE BEEPING This is Today with Nick Robinson in London. And Emma Barnett in a field in Somerset. I'm not at Glastonbury, it was just the furthest I could go to avoid Nick. LAUGHTER Kirstama is to water down his benefit reforms.

Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner joins me. Listen up Emma, two days ago Kia said he's 100% totally definitely not watering down his disabled benefit cuts. Oh so that means... He's definitely going to water down his disabled benefit cuts. And despite the assisted dying bill being passed, the Commons Health Secretary Wes Streeting says the NHS can't afford it. He joins me now. We have to be realistic here, Nick.

We're going to have to use cheaper methods. Such as? Like creeping up behind old people and popping a balloon. Or telling them their favourite grandson now wants to be called Jemima while they're eating a boiled sweet. But assisted dying isn't just for the elderly many people decide that they want to end it all. Tell me about it I sit in cabinet meetings with Keir Starmer. Let me tell you those safety locks on the windows aren't just show, you know.

Hello and welcome to Pessin with me, the man with a voice like a fairground ride. First it speeds up, then it slows. Where it goes next, nobody knows. President Trump surprised many this week when he dropped the F-bomb live on television. I'm joined by Sir Keir Starber. Prime Minister, the question

is, did he inform you that it was going to happen? As you know, Robert, the US and the UK have a special relationship. So as his closest ally, of course, Donald keeps me up to date with whatever it is he's planning. He said, and I quote, Iran and Israel don't know what the f*** they're doing. Did he or did he not consult you on the dropping of that F-bomb in advance?

Well, as his closest ally... I asked because only a day or so before you said you'd sat next to him at the G7 dinner and he specifically told you he wasn't going to swear. Did he consult or not? Look, what happened was the president called me, Robert, and he definitely swore at me down the phone. LAUGHTER Although, to be honest, he does that quite a lot.

LAUGHTER But we are continuing to press for a de-escalation. How so? Well, I've asked him to stop saying that really bad word and maybe say something like tits or bumholes instead. LAUGHTER Speaking of which, I spoke earlier to your Foreign Secretary, David Lammy. Lammy? Oh, he doesn't know what the f*** he's doing.

Welcome back to Good Morning Britain. I'm Susanna Reid. Cheery and charming, but with the resting heart rate of a sniper. The US has carried out military strikes on several Iranian nuclear sites. Joining us is David Lammy, the forgettable Foreign Secretary, or FFS for short. David Lammy, were the US strikes on Iran legal? But good morning, Susanna. Can I say first of all that I'd like to say first of all that the situation is such that first of all... David, David, it's your inner monologue here. This is important, so try not to lamby it up as usual, David. Say the wrong thing and you could jeopardise a complex international situation.

So don't drop a lamby. I want to be extremely clear. Then stop talking. The only time you're talking is when you're asleep. What I can say is... No! Don't say what you were about to say just then, or what you're thinking now. Or that...

I am conscious... Of... No, just conscious. What our viewers want to know is... Can I just finish my point? No, you don't have one. What point? The point is, Susanna, that... I'm sorry, Susanna, you're breaking up.

Mr. Lammy, you're not on the phone. You're here with me in the studio. What an absolute Lammy, you're not on the phone. You're here with me in the studio Welcome to the newsagents. I'm Emily. I'm John and I'm the other one Okay, okay strap in guys it's time for an emergency podcast another one you bet your sweet ass, you know the drill guys I'll get into my pajamas and pretend I'm zooming from a hotel room in the hake. And I'll get a cocktail out to give the illusion I've been dragged from a beach in the Seychelles. And what do I do? Nothing good on you little squint you're always here. Okay so without resorting to one of your tedious analogies that

never gets to the point what the hell is going on in the news that requires us to record an absolutely essential emergency podcast? Well, the situation reminds me of when I was BBC America correspondent, me at Dodger Stadium where I ate a hot dog with fries. And I thought, well, this is just like. No, I'm sorry, hold on,

there's no time now for so full tedium. This is another emergency podcast alert, so we need to do another emergency podcast on top of our emergency podcast. Wait! We've got to interrupt those two other emergency podcasts to record another emergency podcast. Bloody hell, there's more news! We need a fourth emergency podcast. Quick, John, more of your succinct analysis. Well, I once ate a cheeseburger in Chicago, and it had a thing on it called a gurky. No! No! No!

It's another news alert. We're under attack from the news cycle. We need to record an emergency, emergency, emergency, emergency, emergency podcast. Oh, God, what's Trump said now? It's not Trump. We have to record an emergency podcast about everyone being sick to the back teeth of the emergency podcast. Don't worry guys, me and Alastair have got this. Bloody hell, not Rory Stewart. That's right, welcome to the rest is emergency podcast. That's right. Welcome to the Rest is Emergency podcast.

Shocked by world events? You'll need me and Alistair's opinion straight away, otherwise you won't know what to think. Now, this reminds me of the time I was in Washington and I bought a giant pretzel from a street vendor. Shut up, Soaple! APPLAUSE MUSIC Shut up, Soapy! APPLAUSE Welcome back to the BBC's coverage of Glastonbury. I'm shiny, happy, smiley Joe Wiley.

I'm not saying I'm best mates with all the bands, but Snow Patrol just fitted my kitchen. LAUGHTER So... ..we're out here mingling with festivalgoers and we've only gone and bumped into the Prime Minister. Lovely to be with you, Joe. I'm very much a festivals person.

Oh, that is so great to hear. So what are your favourite festivals? Festivals, yes. Okay. at festivals? Festivals, yes. LAUGHTER OK, so you've caused a bit of a stir here at Glastonbury by saying you don't think the band Kneecap should be playing. On the contrary, I'm pleased Kneecap are playing. Oh, you are? Yes, and here's why. Tickets cost £400, there's VIP glamping, gourmet food tents,

and I keep overhearing people in Hunter Wellies talking about their heat pumps. LAUGHTER If anything's going to turn those rowdy lads middle class, it's this place. When they get back to London, it'll be less free Palestine and more, can we get little Lucinda violin lessons, and how about tickets to see John Lithgow in Giant in the West End?

LAUGHTER Right, so you don't want anyone banned from the festival. innocence and how about tickets to see John Lithgow in giant in the West End? Right so you don't want anyone banned from the festival? Well yes actually TBA on the pyramid stage on Saturday afternoon. You do realize that TBA isn't actually a band that's to be announced meaning you know it's gonna be a really big name the Glastonbury crowd love I mean there's already talk it could be Lord Halport. No it's Jeremy Cor be a really big name, the Glastonbury crowd love. I mean, it's already talked, it could be Lord Halport. No, it's Jeremy Corbyn. What?

LAUGHTER Yeah. APPLAUSE I've just seen him rehearsing. Ever since Israel started chucking bums about, he got the old band back together. LAUGHTER Just like how Waysia says, one more tour before they give up. Diane Abbott's on backing vocals.

Gaster Boring! Hello! Are you ready to walk? Are you ready to unequivocally condemn the Israeli and American governments for their unprovated aggression towards Iran. What about Russia and Ukraine? Well, erm, Jeremy? Just a moment Diane, I will handle this. Now listen, there is no equivalence between Russia and Israel.

One is clearly an aggressive, warmongering country that must be condemned utterly. And the other is just a bit of high spirits and it'll sort itself out. Nothing to see here at this festival is at an end. Put your chopsticks in the nearest bin and leave. On LBC, it's tonight with Andrew Marr. On LBC, it's Tonight with Andrew Marr. Yes, indeed it is a massive rebellion from MPs on proposed reforms to welfare benefits.

Joining me now is the Work and Pension Secretary, Liz Kendall. Good evening, Andrew. And let me say it's so important we listen to my colleagues concerns which are very real. And what are your colleagues concerns? They're very real like I just said and and that's why I'm speaking with the rebels all the time. And have you managed to convince any of them to change their minds? Oh absolutely. I was speaking to one rebel only this morning. He represents a Scottish constituency.

Very passionate man, really worried about what the Longshanks have done to his country. Right. But when I explained our proposed changes to personal independence payments to him, he said he'd support them because, and I quote, they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. Sorry, but isn't that the rebel William Wallace from Braveheart? I speak to rebels all the time. Another chap, he really understands life's challenges because he himself had to escape from slavery, would you believe, and yet now he's leading the

rebellion against his Roman masters. He himself had to escape from slavery, would you believe, and yet now he's leading the rebellion against his Roman masters. That, I believe, is Spartacus. His funny story. When I went to meet him, I didn't know what he looked like, and I asked him to identify himself. And half the room stood up. Miss Kendall.

And a long time ago, in a constituency far, far away, I spoke to a very gifted young man who's joined with an alliance of rebels who want to destroy a moon-sized space station. And that's Luke Skywalker. Minister, have you actually spoken to any of the Labour rebels? Oh, God no. They all bloody hate me. of the labor rebels. Oh god no they all bloody hate me. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Secretary General of NATO Mark Rutte. Good morning everyone and thank you for making this journey to the Hague for

this year's vitalaital NATO Summit. I realize that asking you to commit 5% of GDP to defence is a monumental demand, but I hope that... Stop everything, help has arrived. Who are you? How did you get in here? I am Martin Lewis, money saving expert. And I... And I got in here because I helped your head of security save 62% on his broadband.

Now if you want to make your defence spending go further, then you must do exactly as I say. First, tell me how many fighter jets have you got in an ISA? What? None! Then things are worse than I feared. We'll start with your naval fleets. From now on, don't buy a single nuclear submarine without first checking for any being given away on free cycle. It's preposterous. Nobody's giving away submarines.

You never know. I found a two-tier air fryer on there just last week. Now assault helicopters. I don't want you buying any until Black Friday. We cannot wait we need them now. What if I told you my team is scouring the web for a deal where each aircraft comes with not one not two but three months of Disney plus absolutely free. Sorry who are you again? I am Martin Lewis and I will not rest until you're buying your missiles on Nectar Points and your tanks with a 60% off voucher!

Wait, wait, my saving sense is tingling. I have to be a tenaster in Wakefield in 60 seconds to stop a shopper from spending 3p more than he needs to on a pack of Haribo Tangfastics up, up and away! Hello and welcome to Spoiling Watch Live. Yay! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Taylor Swift for people who think turnips have souls. Where are we today, Micoyla? Well, Chris, we're in the beautiful Cotswolds, in a hide looking out for rare tawny owls who live in this small sliver of forest between two farms. A priceless habitat for a truly extraordinary and beautiful creature.

Look on camera nine, there's one there now. Yes, yes. Oh, that is absolutely wonderful. It has a family of newly hatched chicks as well. Now, I think I can actually hear something. Yes, is that daddy owl coming to say hello? Is it balls? Welcome to Clarkson's farm. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! And that owl is going in my new wood chipper. What are you doing? It's called progress, blondie. That owl in its habitat, as you vegan types call it, is in the way of my pub's new bog.

My customers need somewhere to crap out my 20 quid badger burgers. You can't do this. Is that a vole in your trousers or are you just pleased to see me? It's definitely a vole. Give it here. No! I'm calling the police. No you're not, Packham. In you go.

What? You've wood-chicked Chris Packham. Yes. He'll make a lovely new addition to Diddley Squat's new sausage selection, Vegan Range. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Welcome back to Glastonbury, the anti-capitalist festival where chips cost a tenner.

I'm Lauren Laverne and I'm mingling with the crowd despite there being no way any BBC presenters would camp here. We all stay in hotels at your expense. But there are truly some weird and wonderful sights today, like this lady wearing Crocs full of custard. Excuse me, can I just say, I love your costume. What costume?

I always wear these. Kemi Badenoch. That's right, yes. So, Kemi, are you camping or glamping? No, neither. I've dug myself an intricate system of subterranean burrows. And why have you done this? Because I am a low-energy weirdo. Would you like to hear me play a nursery rhyme on this recorder I've whittled out of a cucumber?

No, thank you. Look, how about some quick fire glass door questions? Favourite stage? The larval stage of a moth. LAUGHTER Most memorable act? The Wheat Silage Act of 1642. LAUGHTER Favorite field?

Field Marshal Hague. LAUGHTER Must have festival item? Erm, a tent made of walrus pubes. LAUGHTER Thank you, Kimmy Beardenock. No, no, no, thank you. And now I must go and wee in this welly.

Oh, dear. Cue for the toilets. Too long, is it? No, Lauren, it's just the way I roll. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're watching Politics Hub on Sky News with me, Sophie Ridge. I'm joined in the studio now by the leader of the Liberal Democrats, Sir Ed Davey. Good evening, Sophie. You've suggested this week that the government should distribute pamphlets to ensure every British home is war-ready.

Why is that? Well, Salvi, in my view, people in this country spend all their time indulging in frivolous activities and they really need to take things a bit more seriously. And you've chosen to make that point, Sir Ed, whilst bouncing up and down on a trampoline. LAUGHTER What can I say, Sal something, old habits die hard.

But this is really a critical issue. For example, if there were a catastrophic power outage, that could mean people were completely unable to inflate the bouncy castles. LAUGHTER A sobering thought. Not only that, the fuel supply is disrupted. People may need to turn to alternative methods of transport.

So I recommend investing in a back-up paddleboard and an emergency slip and slide. Sir, there is clearly a serious message here about the importance of preparedness, but is it possible you're the wrong person to deliver it? Why would you say that? Well because you do seem to be a fundamentally silly man. Thank you so much and if your viewers remember or they won't please it's either or not too high. BBC Radio 4 and now Penelope Wilton with the Radio 4 Appeal in aid of confused left-wingers.

For many young people on the left, morality exists only in black and white. They struggle desperately to take a balanced view of global events. But for just five pounds a month, you can help a left-wing gen-Z-er understand that nuance exists. And it isn't just the name of their favorite juice bar. Your donation could remind a left-wing 20-something posting I Stand With Iran that that regime's morality police murders young women for not wearing a hijab.

And for 10 pounds, you can send them a link to their own tweet just three years ago when they made that point when it was trendy and then forgot about it because Sabrina Carpenter dropped a new album. Your money could help us to gently suggest that it doesn't make you far right to be concerned about a hostile state

developing a secret nuclear weapon. And with your support, we can take steps to reduce their access to James O'Brien. We want to show young people there is another way by speaking to them in a language they'll understand. They might be non-binary in their gender presentation but with your help they can be non-binary in politics too. Donate today because the middle ground isn't just for centrist dads who listen to six music and idolize Alistair Campbell it's for everyone who doesn't want a nuclear

war. Thank you. For the man who knows how to enter a room. Stomach. And then leave it again without making an impression. Stomach. I'm indescribable, ineffectual. Stomach. When I look you in the eye, you think, did I remember to take the bins out last night? From the makers of Ode to Farage comes a

brand new fragrance Oh the Stormer With a scent profile to match my opinion Absolutely undetectable With evasive top notes of I don't know, and could be patchouli? Stormer

And a base that's so subtle, it'll leave you thinking... Could I have Covid? LAUGHTER Oh, the Stomach. Ss-ss-s. I don't have an opinion on this fragrance. Girl, surprise. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC Welcome back to the BBC's coverage of Glastow, APPLAUSE MUSIC Welcome back to the BBC's coverage of Glastow, the television equivalent of your nan explaining TikTok to you. I'm Nick Grimmy Grimshaw. No, no, no, let me speak. LAUGHTER Right, it's Big Night. Come to put an end to this nonsense. Hang on, Glastonbury is a celebration of our British cultural heritage.

God bless you, you lovable vagrant. But I think you'll find Glastonbury is a godless pagan orgy full of woke lefties who hang earrings off their willies and drink their own wee. I'm putting an end to it and putting on my own festival, Gammonbury. Gammonbury? Yeah, a British festival for proper British values. Every act starts and finishes with the full length version of Jerusalem, with a spitfire flyover and reconstruction of the English Civil War with hardened, ale-quafing downsides. That doesn't sound very diverse. Well, kind of you to say so.

But first of all, for like years in the making, you need licensing, you need tickets, you need food vendors. Preparation is for losers, you tassel-haired tramp. After all, I spent years campaigning for Brexit, and I didn't give a thought about how it turned out, eh? And it turned out absolutely fine, didn't it? Yes, Gammonbury's going to be the place for proud red-faced flag-waving warriors whose wives haven't let them near them in 30 years. My kind of people, yes.

Oh, you all right, Janita Hogg? I'd rather be strangled by my own gonads, mate. Right, barkeep, mine's a large run and yes I'm drinking and yes I'm bragging. Dare Dringers was performed by Jan Ravens, John Colshaw, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisby and Louis McCloud. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Tom Coles, Sophie Dixon, Toussaint Douglas, Peter Toulouse, Rob Dark, Edward Tew and John Holmes. With additional material by Alice Bright, Katie Sayre, Davina Bentley, Chris Ballard, it was the BBC Studios audio production. Dared Ringless was created by Bill Dare and the producer was John Holmes.

The producer was John Holmes. From BBC Radio 4, this is What Seriously? I'm Dara O'Brien. And I'm Izzy Suttie. And in our new series, we're bringing you short stories and tall tales. What Seriously? It's packed with real life strange but true stories that make you go, what seriously? And provide you with excellent social ammo to impress your friends. The twist is we don't know how each story unfolds and we'll have to figure it out one

fragment at a time with our special guests who each have a mysterious connection to the tale. That's right. I am your spy expert. And I don't really want to bring you back to the real facts of the story because you're making me laugh so much but I feel like I should. We're the only country in the world that ate the animal on our crest, like, and I never know whether to feel terrible or brilliant about that. All these engineers trying desperately to reduce the amount of dust in space and you get Izzy taking up a balloon full of glitter. Wow!

You're welcome. I've had that one in the house. You've come up with all the stuff you want. I know right? It's like I'm reading from a sheet or something but no I haven't. Join us for What Seriously? from BBC Radio 4 available now on BBC Sounds.