Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep 3. New World Disorder

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Donald Trump makes some surprising new additions to his team, there’s an unexpected guest at COP29, Nigel Farage accepts that climate change is real, and Justin Welby explains the real reason for his resignation.This week's impressionists are Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisbey and Jason ForbesThe episode was written by: Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Joe Topping, Christina Riggs, Pravanya Pillay with additional material by Lizzy Mansfield and Vicky Richards.Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Welcome to Young Again with me, Kirsty Young. On my desert island, I would take Giles Brandreth and leave him there. But in this show, I asked my guests what advice they'd give their younger selves. Well, today's guest is with me in the studio and I'm going to jump straight in so any regrets Mr. Welby? Nothing major, no. So you wouldn't go back to oh I don't know 2013 and tell your younger self to pull his bloody finger out?

Possibly. My hindsight's a wonderful thing. I ask you then why you're resigning? Ah well that came about after a recent conversation with God. Oh, and? Well, the Lord does move in mysterious ways as you know, and in this instance he told me to collect my stuff, leave my pass at reception, and F off, pronto. You're listening to Today with Michelle Hussein and Emma Barnett. The headlines. The climate change conference COP29 has opened in Azerbaijan, a country where 90% of exports

are oil and gas. Not to be outdone, the vegan society has booked its Christmas do at the local Angus Steakhouse. Yes, it's COP29, sadly, apparently like Star Trek films. Only the even-numbered ones are any good. The world's leading naturalist had this to say. Azerbaijan insists oil and gas have a role to play in meeting net zero targets, much in the same way that heroin has a role to play in stamping out drug addiction. China won't be at COP29, but the Taliban will be. They have an ambitious target of net zero women being seen in public by 2030.

Keir Starmer's speech promising Britain would be a world leader in the fight against climate change was poorly received. The Prime Minister joins me on the line. Good morning. Sorry, Michelle. I'm a bit knackered, actually. Yeah, in the past month, I've visited Samoa, France, America, Spain and Mauritius. And next week, I'm off to the G7 in Brazil. And you're doing this all to restore the UK's standing on the world stage.

No, I'm doing it for the air miles. I'm a British Airways Gold member now. Free Wi-Fi, nice coffee and as many tiny sandwiches as you can eat. I never dreamed of such luxury. Have I ever mentioned I'm the son of a tool maker? No, I promise. But can progress be made at COP given the recent political upheavals? Oh, yes, absolutely.

You know, everyone here is committed to working together towards a sustainable future for our planet. Ah! Sorry, what was that? Nothing, just ignore it. That's what we're doing. Right, it sounded like an elephant. Is there an elephant in the room with you?

Ah! Well, I think there was a bloody Donald Trump-shaped elephant in the room, you know I think there was a bloody Donald Trump shaped elephant in the room, you know somebody would have mentioned that. There was disbelief after Donald Trump appointed Matt Gaetz, a congressman who was investigated for child sex trafficking, as his attorney general. I'm just getting started. Laughter Applause I've also appointed the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Laughter

He's gonna be my new secretary for education. Laughter Good guy, good guy. I like the bang-bangs. Laughter And cocaine bear to head the forestry department. I like bears as they defecate wherever the hell they want, you know. Just like the Donald.

It's been a good week for Vladimir Putin in the Ukraine war, with Russia retaking the strategic locations of Borski in the Kursk region and the White House in Washington DC. Premier League referee David Coote has been suspended after being filmed making foul-mouthed comments about former Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp. Coote insisted it was just banter, but after everyone stood around aimlessly for ten minutes, VAR finally ruled that he had crossed the line. The new opposition leader, Kimmy Badenoch, has been accused of being wooden and stilted at Prime Minister's questions. She joins me now. Miss Badenoch? No, no, there's

no truth to the claims that I'm wooden and stilted. In fact, I'm known at Tory HQ for my humorous banter. That sounds great. Righto. Let the banter begin. Right, okay. Do you want to start? Yes. I am ready to start the banter. Are you ready to start the banter? Look, I don't think this is going very well. Well, ha ha ha, you, you might say it's not going well, but in my opinion it is going well. I think we'll leave it there.

Boom boom, still got it, Kenny. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE In its first weekend, Pasington in Peru has broken box office records. He joins me now. Come on, Emma, hurry this up. I'm a busy bear. LAUGHTER I'm really not happy. You said I was getting organic marmalade sandwiches in the green room, but they weren't.

Well, yes, but you didn't have to throw them at Michelle. I'm a big movie star now Emma. I'm at the bloody Queen you know. Spit out your sad little questions and let me get back to my amphetamine and panda posse. Okay so what are the rumours that you've been seeing Sue behind Sooty's back? Complete rubbish and even it were true, Sooty is signed at NDA, so he's not talking to anyone. And, erm, those other rumours about you and the eldest daughter of the Brown family? This interview is over! Historians are up in arms about incongruities in Ridley Scott's Gladiator 2 movie.

Most noticeably, how that skinny, weedy kid from Normal People now has pecs, like all the Magic Mike dances combined, and a rippling six pack. But Emma, just as we wouldn't objectify an actress for her body, we wouldn't do the same to Paul Mescal. I'd climb him like a tree. Home Base has gone into administration after management failed to put together a rescue package, three shelves and a patio dining table.

Disney has announced yet another remastered version of the original Star Wars movies to bring them up to date for 2024. Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic- Don't act so surprised, your highness. You aren't on any mercy mission this time. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.

I will never bow down to your tyranny and- Excuse me, can I just put it here? Joe Biden, what the hell are you doing here? I just popped by to give Princess Leia some advice. A little bit of advice, a little Biden wisdom. Now when one of the world's most evil beings returns to your life, Princess Leia, you shouldn't sound so furious and angry. It's bad, you shouldn't do that.

No, what you should do, you should just say, welcome back. And then what you do is help ensure a smooth transition of power. But that's insane. Darth wants to kill me and destroy everyone who supports me. But that's the same with Trump. Come on, give it a try. Okay, um, Darth, welcome back. You know, crushing the Rebel Alliance is tough. And in many cases, it's not a very nice world. But it's a nice world today.

And I appreciate that very much. Hey, Steve, doesn't that feel good? Feels really good. Feels peachy, right? It's good. Joe Biden welcomed President-elect Trump into the White House. Yeah, people say Trump is the fascist demagogue. He couldn't be nicer to me. Donald says when I'm finished in the Oval Office,

he's going to personally arrange for me to go live on a farm. LAUGHTER I love that. It's so nice. Very nice. I love goats and sheep. LAUGHTER Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner spoke to JD Vance this week about building on the special relationship. She joins me on the line. Ms Rayner, how was the call?

We got on really well and had a lot in common. Isn't it difficult building bridges with people who you've previously said have no place in the White House? We got on really well and had a lot in common. But what do you make of Vance's views on feminism? We got on really well and had a lot in common. But what do you make of... Fancy's views on feminism. We got on really well and had... Oh sod it, I can't do this. You can just shoot me, Keir.

Read the words, Angela. There's to be an independent review into rail fare prosecutions. This will ensure passengers who have made mistakes with their tickets don't receive disproportionate punishment, although anyone putting their bag on the seat next to them will be immediately incinerated.

In royal news, Queen Camilla has restarted royal duties this week after some time off. In a rare interview for the BBC, she joins me now. Bloody hell, how hot is the rivals? I just finished the last episode and I've got one word, four. But Your Majesty, I thought you'd taken a step back from royal duties because of health problems.

Well, if by health problems you mean a newfound addiction to posh smut, then you're spot on. Something about watching a bunch of blue-blooded, ruddy-faced pochos absolutely going at it has given me a new lease of life. Actually, that gives me an idea. Charles! Charles! Call in sick! Yet that lazy-ass William to do some waving for you

were having a Buckhouse Bonkathon! It's been announced that Sue Gray won't after all be taking up the job of the Prime Minister's envoy to the nations and regions because it was just a silly made-up title that has no reason to exist. In other news, Prince Andrew is still the Duke of York, Earl of Inverness, Baron Killar Lee and lead of the seven kingdoms of Thark. And finally, Silicon Valley has reacted gleefully to the news that following Trump's election, Bitcoin has hit a record high. We are overjoyed.

Yippee-yah. This gives the chance for hundreds of thousands of ordinary carbon life forms to rush out. To buy Elon bitcoins. Only to lose everything in six months time when the bitcoin boom tanks. Boo hoo, boo hoo. They lost it all. Their humanoid suffering makes Elon's circuits tingle. Crying, you mortals, humanoid. Elon lubricates his joints on their salty goodness. No, no, no, let me speak.

It's Big Nigel's podcast and I'm joining you today from the lefty-wokey Cop 29 summit to have a right good old laugh. And before you have a pop, Baku is basically en route back to Clacton from Mar-a-Lago. Right, okay. I've got a youngster here calleda-Lago. Right, okay. I've got a youngster here called Greta. Say your piece, sweetheart. The proposals at COP29 do not go far enough.

Don't go far... Blimey! All this fuss over something that's not even real. You don't believe in climate change. Look, I believe in climate change, but that's because nowadays you have to. It's like washing your hands after the bog. It's just easier to say you've done it. Okay, give me your pint of beer and your lighter. Hey, hey!

Now, say this nice cool pint of beer is the world. You're damn right, sister. And now let's see what happens when the atmosphere around the world is warmed. Honestly, let's see. Look. Hey. Hang on. It's bubbling.

My world is boiling. No. See? You know, I finally understand it. How could I have been so blind? COP 29 isn't going far enough. We're breaching the Paris Agreement. Those poor polar bears.

It is good to have you on side, Nigel. You're welcome. We need to act now. I need a drink. How can I, hang on. This is absolutely delicious. The boiled beer? It's like a warm kiss from Churchill on a summer's day.

What? Never mind, it's just a dream I once had. But the point is this, climate change is real and we should be doing everything in our power to speed it up. Back to Clacton I go, but in a private jet, smoking cigarettes and farting out the window. Bye bye. I'm appointing the great super genius, Elon, in a new position, a bigly important role as First Lady. I'll call him Elania. Melania has been malfunctioning for a while, saying crazy stuff like,

I wish I'd never met you. Get that mushroom away from me before I chop it off and throw it out the window. It's very sad. We're sending her to the UK to be put down. Thanks to their new assisted dying bill. It's a great bill. As my new first lady, Elania will massage my feet daily

with the congealed fat you get at the bottom of a KFC bucket. It's very smooth, very sensual, smells great. He will always be by my side telling me what to do and say and stopping me from accidentally grabbing a head of state by the vagina. He will wear sunglasses and act like an emotionless robot and wear a shiny, shiny figure-hugging Versace dress. So tight. Donald, darling, light of my life. Fire of my flat stainless steel loins.

Say goodbye to these nice people. It's your bedtime now. Hang on, it's only 4.30 and I haven't even had my happy meal yet. Great meal. I know that, but Elania needs to sort a few things out, like awarding Tesla and SpaceX billions of government contracts and unprecedented tax breaks. And it would be much easier if you weren't under my feet. Okay, my sugar puff.

Great puff. I'll be waiting for you in bed, wearing nothing but my very subtle, very natural fake tan. Hey. What? Let's play hide the mushroom. Elania will self-destruct in five seconds. Hello and welcome to match of the day I'm Kelly Sommers sitting in for Gary Linneker this week as he prepares to exit the show after 25 years with wonderful memories and enough money to buy Real Madrid 10 times over. Alan Shearer and Rio Ferdinand will he miss Gary?

No, filthy pervert. I hope they string him up, 1000%, disgusting. No guys, Gary's the only BBC presenter in the last five years who hasn't left after doing something disgusting. Oh, good on him then. Yeah, right. So, the focus now of the show will be exclusively football. Oh yes, phew, no more Gary getting us all dragged into trouble and shooting his big mouth off on Twitter or whatever it's called now.

Exactly. We begin with Wolves vs Man City, the game played at Molyneux in the Black Country, a region known for its economic decline over 14 long years of the Tories. Why did I just say that? Just keep going Kelly, ignore it. Yeah, yes that was a devastating pass, but nowhere near as devastating as Israel's continued bombardment of Gaza.

Why? Why? Why do I keep saying this stuff? It's because you are one billion percent in Gary's chair Kelly. It was prophesied that anyone who sits in the chair of Lineker will start mouthing off opinions on social media and enraging the right-wing press, who only want opinions from serious people like Boris Johnson's sister and that vicar who looks like a muppet.

No! No, no, the match of the day, Chair, is not destroying my career. I'm going to fight it and I'm going to win. Yes, come on, you can do it. Right. Phew. All right, that's better. No more politics.

Well done, girl. Good. Back to football and let's have an extended debate about whether VAR has been a positive force in the game. On second thought, does Qatar pulling out as mediator of peace talks between Israel and Gaza dash all hopes for a ceasefire? Oh, it does. 817.4%.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE BBC Radio 2. Er... That was Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. Have you ever gone up a stairway and found yourself in heaven? Maybe it seemed like heaven, but was in fact a trans-dimensional realm inhabited by mysterious beings. That's our phone in later. So Justin Welby has resigned as

Archbishop of Canterbury and I am excited to have his replacement on the line. Hello, Roger. Yeah, hi, Jeremy. Lovely to speak to you. I gather until yesterday you ran a fish and chip shop. Yeah, that's right. The Codfather. Though hate and battered sausage are equally available. And I'm told you don't actually believe in cod. Yeah, no, that's right.

How did you become Archbishop of Canterbury? Well, it's a funny story. I was on the internet and I was doing a Which Archbishop are you quiz on Facebook. And I got Elfrick of Abingdon. Right. And then one of the questions was, Do you find the notion of abusing children or beating them within an inch of their lives abhorrent?

Of course I click yes. Next thing I know, I got a call from the General Synod. Apparently a surprisingly small percentage of C of E bishops think that's a bad thing. To cut a long story short, they offered me the position of Archbishop. I hate to sound negative Roger, but you just don't seem qualified for the job. Do you have any experience of miracles? No, I do charge 11 quid for cotton chips and still have people queuing out the door.

You'll be perfect. And now on BBC One, it's the finale of Wolf Hall. Sir Thomas Cromwell faces his imminent demise at the hands of the King. Sir Thomas Cromwell faces his imminent demise at the hands of the King. Sir Thomas Cromwell, you stand accused of treason. And sorry, Your Majesty. At the time of her coronation, I did not know that the Queen was unable to produce an heir for you. Enough! I have no choice but to sentence you to execution. No, no, you will not, my liege.

Yes, I will. I'm King Henry. Nothing can save you. You won't execute me, Majesty, because I'm going to do the look. The look? The look? The Mark Rylance look.

The one with the sad, weary eyes and the kind face. No one can resist the Mark Rylance look. I am the King of England. I have faced down the Pope, the Spanish and the French. Nothing will prevent your death on this day. Here it comes. I'm going to smile now. Nothing?

I'm going to crinkle up my eyes. The little wrinkles. Yes. The gentle smile. Yes. You're just too adorable. You will not die this day, my good and loyal friend, Cornwell. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is MSNBC News and we're delighted to be joined now in the studio by Vice President Kamala Harris. Now, looking back at the presidential election.

You know what? I am grateful. Losing that election was the will of the universe because it has guided me straight to Etsy. Etsy? Sure. My new Etsy shop is flourishing. Would you be interested in an inspirational tea towel? Maybe not right now. I can't get my message across as president. I'll get it across on household textiles. I've brought samples. Look, here's only when it's dark enough can you see the stars from my concession speech, remember?

And this one says, you have to look through the rain to see the rainbow. And here's my favorite, bake the world a better place. Ah ha ha ha. So much fun. Are you sure you're coping with your election loss? Oh, I got more. I got more. Look at these.

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Live, love, lose control of the Senate. Right. I think we're out of time. Remember to use the code all Biden's fault for 20% off. Available to download now from the Church of England, a brand new album from Catherine Jenkins. If you're a Christian like me and you're angry or appalled about certain recent events then why not vent all those negative

feelings by singing along with me in these specially adapted versions of your favorite hymns. Horrible, amazing fall from grace. He who would negligent be against all abusers. The Lord's my shepherd, I'll not wait for the police to take decisive action. Morning has broken like the church's safeguarding procedure. And with Christmas around the corner, you'll also get a selection of specially adapted carols. Hark! the herald angels keep quiet about it all. Conspiracy of silence night

Little town of Canterbury Choose a better Archbishop next time applause Okay everyone, I've nearly finished putting my team together I just have a few major announcements left. I have great pleasure in announcing my new head of the FDA, the Food and Drink Department. Your friend and my friend, you know him, I know him,

the late, great Hannibal Lecter. Come on up here. Take a bow. Good guy, good guy. Hello, everybody. I think actually you're making quite a grave error, Mr. Trump. I'm not actually Hannibal Lecter.

You're not? No, no. But you look just like him. No, I'm just the actor, Anthony Hopkins. I portrayed Hannibal Lecter in three movies, but I'm not actually Hannibal Lecter. Wait a second, hang on. You pretended to be him.

Yes. I gotta say, that's very sneaky. No. That's not great. Does he know? No, he's a fictional character. He doesn't exist. Like the funky phantom Rudy Giuliani.

Okay, I'm going now. Well, it looked like he didn't want the job, folks. I'm very sorry. Never mind. Let me announce my next appointment. Head of the newly formed corruption busting department, an actual ex-president and a brilliant guy, Richard Nixon. Bring him up here. Come on. Tricky Dicky. Hello again.

Hello again. Look, I'm not Richard Nixon either. I'm not Richard Nixon. I'm still Anthony bloody Hopkins. You're not Richard Nixon? No. But your face was on the DVD. I, oh no.

Side of the Blu-ray and everything. I know. High definition. I know my face was on the DVD. Oh no. I'm sorry. I saw it on the Blu-ray and everything. I know. High definition. I know my face was on the DVD. That's because I pretended to be Richard Nixon in the movie. This is very deceitful. I'm sorry. You're a very deceitful person.

You're a bad guy. I'm not. I'm definitely, definitely going now. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Very disappointing. Disappointed! Anyway, on to my head of National Weather Service, the great weather service.

And who better to help predict those weather patterns is my next appointment, a great guy. Odin, Norse god and father of Thor and Loki. Come on up here, Odin. Go get him. Come on, get him up here. Okay. Come on.

Good night, again. Oh, bloody hell. You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you?

You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? You're gonna be here all day, aren't you? Dead Ringers was performed by Jan Ravens, Lewis McCloud, Jason Valls, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamison, Lawrence Howarth, Rob Dark, Edward Choo, Joe Topping, Christina Riggs, Lizzie Mansfield, Cravanya Pillay, with additional material by Vicki Richards.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. I'm Hannah Fry And I'm Dara O'Briain And in the all new series of Curious Cases, things are getting curiouser and curiouser. We'll be looking the universe squarely in the eye and demanding an answer to your everyday mysteries. Including? Can you actually die of boredom?

Why do some people taste music? And how many lemons will it take to power a spaceship? We will shine a light on the world's most captivating oddities. Brought to us by you, you delightful bunch of weirdos. I don't think you're allowed to call them that. But I love them, really. Curious Cases.

On Radio 4. And available now on BBC Sounds.