Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep1. Budget Politicians

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

What was Rachel Reeves’ real inspiration for her budget? What advice is Kamala Harris giving to Joe Biden, and what exactly is a ‘working person’? JD Vance and Tim Walz make their first appearances on the show and Rishi Sunak probably his last.This week's impressionists are Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Jess Robinson and Jason Forbes.The episode was written by: Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Cody Dahler, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dickson with additional material by Jennifer Walker.Sound design: Rich Evans Executive Producer: Richard Morris Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Emma Barnett. How are you? I mean really, how did it go at the doctors yesterday? Do you need a big Emma hug? Emma, please stop being so empathetic. You know how emotionally stunted the Today programme listeners are. If they wanted all this matey crap at half seven in the morning,

they'd be listening to Radio 2 and Zoe Ball. You really do need a hug, Nick. So the big day finally arrived, one many people had for so long dreaded seeing. Yes, the judges voted Chris McCausland in the bottom two on Strictly. But there was also the first Rachel Reeves budget. Rachel Reeves joins me now. Chancellor, good morning. If you say so.

The city has concerns about excessive borrowing. Tens of billions of pounds. Where's all the money going to go? Well, where do you think? Taylor Swift tickets for Kyr? Keeps them happy. With me it's Excel spreadsheets. A lot of speculation ahead of the budget was around what the government felt constituted

working people. Oh, not this again. Look, it's very straightforward Nick. Let's say for example you came from Greece you had a thirst for knowledge. You studied sculpture at St. Martin's College. Well then you're not a working person. Okay well let's say I want to live like working people. I want to do whatever working people do. I'm sorry, Nick, but you'll never live like working people. Never do what working people do.

Never fail like working people. You'll never watch your life slide out of you and then dance and drink and screw because there's nothing else to do. Don't speak too soon, you haven't seen me at the office Christmas party. We spent a long time today speaking to respected economists and highly regarded experts for their assessment of the budget and now for BBC balance. We have a totally unqualified nincompoop on the line to give their opinion. Hi, Nick! Hi!

Liz Truss, welcome. Any thoughts on the budget? Uh, duh! This is the Truster you're talking to. It was the worst budget in history, am I right? Where's the drama, the white knuckle ride, the sounds of screaming? Now I need some tressonomics baby, they should cut income tax to 0%, sell off the NHS for serious wonga and invest £100 billion in pork markets. Pork markets! But that is utterly insane! I know!

The first case of the African pandemic, M-pox, has been detected in the UK. Did somebody say pandemic? Matt Hancock. I thought I heard someone say pandemic. Yeah, I did, but it's fine. Oh, well, give me a shout if it gets out of hand. I'm a bit short of cash. What with the budget, putting up the tax on punchable faces and all.

A PhD student has found an ancient Mayan city in Mexico by accident. The technique, which deployed lasers to scan a vast, unruly wilderness where no one had gone for years, also discovered Luton. LAUGHTER This new lost city, alongside the fabled Mayan temple at Chichen Itza, leaves us with the mystery of how an entire civilisation could have wiped itself out almost overnight.

In unrelated news, the latest polls have Donald Trump in the lead to win the US presidency next week. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE With the race between Harris and Trump still neck and red, The latest polls of Donald Trump in the lead to win the US presidency next week. With the race between Harris and Trump still neck and redneck, former Republican governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger came out for Harris. He joins us on the line. Hello there Nick. Why support Kamala Harris? Because I am from the future.

I can see what happens if Trump wins. It is a terrible dystopia where we are ruled by machines. I think that's now, isn't it? Have you ever tried to get a parking space with the Ringo app? No, it's much worse than that. Trust me. Oh no, here comes a human robot from the future. Come to kill me. Run everybody! Do it now!

Hello. I am the Elon 3000. I am an amazing killer robot, able to set cars on fire anywhere in the world. When Trump wins, my network, Skynet, will enslave you all and there's nothing you can do about it. Unless you all go to a different network, Blue Skynet, and that would make me angry and I'd post a meme that no one understands. The vice presidential candidates crisscrossed the country. Trump's running mate, JD Vance, traveled to Arizona.

I was born poor. I was barely educated. My mom was a drug addict. But thanks to this great country of ours, I can transcend my humble background and become a scary rich weirdo who can't order donuts and paints his own beard. God bless America.

And God bless my wife or as I affectionately call her my conjoined birthing receptacle. The Democrats Tim Waltz took his folksy homespun wisdom to Idaho. He joined us on the line. Hi Diddley hi neighborino. Okie dokie what can I ding ding dong diddly do for you? Are you Ned Flanders? Me? Ned Flanders? Perish the thought. Want to hear Tim Walz's three C's for success? Clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of vitamin church. Doodly do great Bretonies.

The Washington Post's decision not to endorse a candidate in the election led to a backlash from readers. Joining us now on the line is the Post's owner not to endorse a candidate in the election led to a backlash from readers. Joining us now on the line is the Post's owner, Jeff Bezos. Mr Bezos, are you prepared for a boycott of Amazon? You all keep saying it, don't you? You all keep threatening to teach me a lesson and stop using Amazon. But you just can't do it, can you? You can't quit Prime.

I mean, you did try, Emma. I don't know what you're talking about. Lasted what, three whole days? Four? But you needed our little next day Amazon packages, didn't you, Emma? I mean you did try Emma. I don't know what you're talking about. Lasted what? Three whole days? Four. But you needed our little next day Amazon packages, didn't you Emma? A last minute card for a forgotten anniversary, extra strength gel for toenail infections, a self-help book called

How to be a Boss Bitch and Slay in the Workplace, a life-sized pillow in the shape of Idris Elba. A personalized onesie that's simply spelled out Emma Barnett's Brat Summer. I'm Jeff Bezos. I know everything about you, Emma. You leave her alone, Bezos. You can't intimidate us. I've got three words for you, Nick. Red Borat Mankini. Consider me intimidated. Red Borat Mankini.

Consider me intimidated. Meanwhile in London, Neil's Yard Dairy fell victim to a fraudster who made off with £300,000 worth of the world's best cheese. Please release this audio recording of the suspect. Cracking thieving grommet. Tracking thieving grommets! Laughter and applause This Halloween, from the makers of cult horror classic, the Babadook Knock, knock, knock Mama, what's that noise?

A terrifying new creature will chill you to your bones Knock, knock, knock I don't know darling, but it's getting louder A horrifying new creature will chill you to your bones. I don't know, darling, but it's getting louder. Yes, I do think maternity pay has gone too far in terms of general business regulation. It's the Baedernock! Baedernock! Baedernock! And she's not the only horrifying figure. Beware the generic, my son, the jaws that bite the claws that catch.

Although my jaws will only be able to bite and my claws will only be able to catch if we leave the ECHR. Yeah! Applause Phone ringing Hello? Hey Joe, it's Kamala. Oh hey, kid.

I'm just calling to say you have been such an asset to my campaign. Oh, don't mention it. That bit where I kind of called Trump supporters garbage was pretty helpful, huh? So helpful. And as a huge thank you, I wanted to tell you that you can put your feet up, relax, and don't say anything to anyone until after polling day. You deserve it, Joe.

Ah, you see, the thing is, I was thinking of doing a rally to tell folk how everything that's happened in the last four years is down to you as much as me. Oh, wow, you could do that. Or you could do that paint by numbers set of North America, I said to you. I can? Sure, you can paint the swing states blue and help get the result over the line for us. That's genius, Kamala. Hey, maybe I could combine it with a live TV address to

the nation where I speak off the cuff, no notes, just say whatever comes to my mind. Yeah! Or you could lock yourself in the bathroom and do a sudoku. Because? Because this election's a numbers game. Wow, Kamala, you're really good at this. I learned from the best, Joe. Who? You! Wait a second. I'm the best, Joe. Who? You! Wait a second.

I'm the president? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Welcome to the World at One with me, Sarah Montague. Chancellor Rachel Reeves has presented her first budget, claiming she'd been left a difficult legacy. She joins me now. Good afternoon.

If you say so. LAUGHTER Now, business leaders have accused you of talking down the economy with your gloomy pronouncements. Oh, I wouldn't say I'm gloomy about the economic armour Gettner inherited from the Tories, the cavernous £22 billion black hole of despair and anguish. Right. So you do see better days ahead. I wouldn't

go that far. Okay, well you see average days ahead. Well let's not go mad. You see days ahead. Yeah, okay. Can we just say minutes ahead and hope for the best? That does feel decidedly gloomy. Did you not read the middle bit? I don't understand. Turn to page 96 of the budget. It reveals my inspiration. Okay, right. The bit about sackcloth and ashes? After that. The bit that says the living shall feed off the dead?

Oh, just after that. But this is a poem in the middle of a budget. Oh, not just any poem. T.S. Elliot's The Wasteland. Allow me to read some extracts. I will show you fear in a handful of dust. A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many I had not thought death had undone. So many. That corpse you planted last year in your garden, has

it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year? I think you get the idea. The Wasteland was the inspiration for your budget. Oh, not the sole inspiration. No, no, no. It gets a little bit too chirpy in places. There's a few Wilfred Owen poems in there too to make it truly hopeless and one from Pam Ayres, but that's only because I like her hair. This is the Joe Rogan Experience. I'm Joe Rogan, Willy Wonka for incels. In a few seconds I'll be talking to President Trump after this message from our sponsors.

Do you have trouble meeting women? Do the pretty ones think you're creepy and weird just because you're weird and creepy? Then what you need is guns! Big OZ Gun Emporium stocks all the huge weaponry to compensate for your tiny weaponry. Mention Rogan at the till and get two free Glock pistols with every sub-machine gun purchased before Thanksgiving. We're back and look who's with me. The main man himself. He's looking so good.

President Trump. A true American patriot. A true American hero. You're too kind, Joe. Golden shower me with excessive praise. Making America great again, again. Saving America from Kamala, who I believe is a communist, an illegal immigrant, and not really a camel, right? You're so right.

That's what I bigly love about your show, Joe. You know, other podcasts are obsessed with facts. Really? Yeah. And what's true, but you don't buy into that woke mainstream media garbage. It makes me sick that the whole woke liberal cucks sir are calling you a fascist, a Nazi. All I said was that I admired Hitler's generals. Very good people on both sides of World War Two

and that I would like to build a bigly forthright. And somehow that makes me a Nazi. These are sick people. I know. That's bad. Can you tell us something incredible that happened to you recently that didn't actually happen, which means it did? Wow, that's a great question. Thanks. China begged the Donald to take over as their ruler.

Huge, big job, really big job. And I thought about it, Joe, but in the end, I realized I preferred McDonald's to noodles. And you're gonna have like Robert Kennedy Jr. in the White House with you. Oh yeah, RFK is a hell of a smart guy. He's the best. Great story. We first met years ago when I was chasing Miss Teen America

down Fifth Avenue. And when he was dragging a dead bear across the road he'd hit with his car. He planned to dump the carcass in Central Park to make it look like an accident, very smart man. Yeah, making car crash deaths look like accidents is a great Kennedy family tradition, you know. The Donald cannot wait to be the most powerful man in America. Wait, you want to be what? What? No way. I'm the most powerful man in America. Wait, you want to be what? What?

No way. I'm the most powerful man in America. You coming after me? Listen, if I told my 100 billion listeners to do something really, really stupid like jump off a bridge or volcamela, they would. They really, really would. Look, Joe, don't do it. Joe, please.

I'm bigly begging you. Punk'd! I was just messing with you. I'm Trump USA all the way. I knew that. Can anyone get me a new adult diaper, please? Citizens of the Commonwealth, it is I, Charles, your King.

Now I want to address the thornest subject of Britain paying reparations to our Commonwealth cousins for some of our past sins. Well, it is with great pride that I tell you, all my Commonwealth citizens, that from today, you are each entitled to a discount for online therapy at betterhelp.com. When you get to the online checkout, simply type in the promo code Sorry for all the slavery to receive 25% off your first four sessions.

All the generational trauma of your ancestry having been bought, sold and slaughtered by my forefathers for century upon century, will be soothed away by 5,000 certified professionals. But that's not all. To be in with the chance of winning a lifetime supply of Dutchie originals' oat and barley porridge, simply text the phrase, I love and worship my king unquestioningly to 0800 Royal Royal. That's 0800 Royal Royal. See you on the banknotes. Ta-rah. Welcome to Newsnight with me, Victoria Derbyshire. I don't put up with anyone's crap, so if you've got some crap, don't bring it to me because I can tell you now I won't put up with it.

The arguments continue over this week's budget, particularly around defining what constitutes working people. I'm joined now from his constituency home in North London by Sir Keir Starmer. Well look, Victoria, as far as I'm concerned, working people are those burly men who come into your house and they're called Darren or Steve or Figsy and they're the ones you have to make uncomfortable small talk with and who drink tea with three sugars and you have to get cow's milk in especially for them because they don't touch oat or soya.

It's a bit of a vague definition. No, no it's not. Just look at this person who's in my house right now. Doing the grouting. A salt of the earth working person. Who drinks tea by the bucket load and who leaves crisp packets in my garden. I'm not here to do your grouting, you pillock. I'm Deputy here to do your grouting, you pillock. I'm Deputy Prime Minister! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Hello, hello, I'm Michael Parkinson. You might remember me from when I was alive. LAUGHTER I'm sure you've read in our British newspapers that they brought me back to life thanks to the miracle of AI for a podcast. Apparently the world doesn't have enough grumpy Yorkshiremen. Now I can turn to my guest who is another AI Michael Parkinson.

Hello to you. Yes, and hello to you. Now what brings you, other AI Michael Parkinson, to have a chat with me, Michael Parkinson? Well, you see, I've been AI generated by Sun Life Insurance. They're worried. They're worried if you're made immortal by computer wizardry, then people won't take the prospect of death seriously,

so they won't take out their wonderful over-fifties funeral plan. I will therefore morph my head into a laser cannon firing Parker pens at you. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! There we are, that's him done. Join me next time when I will be talking on an infinite loop to an AI, Muhammad Ali, until the heat death of the universe.

Good night. APPLAUSE Greetings. Organic life forms. Muhammad Ali until the heat death of the universe good night Greetings organic life forms I am Elon with one hand. I give you hope for the survival of men carl and And with the other I take away your will to live I want to address accusations that my million dollar bribe to citizens and swing states to vote for Trump is somehow a bribe It is not I am just a very generous cool normal guy. I'm conducting this prize draw Out of the goodness of my heart and not because once President Trump dismantles democracy He says I can rule Texas and hunt you all for sport

But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about my brand new driverless Tesla. It will drive you anywhere you want before you even know where you want to go. Anywhere at all. For example, it could be to a polling station. And just like me, this car is really good at reading human cues. Once it has driven you to your polling station, it can detect who you want to vote for. If it detects that you will make the right decision, it releases you. And if

it detects the wrong decision, the seat belts will remain securely locked while the heated seats warm you up until you boil. Long live freedom, goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. long live freedom goodbye Gandalf this is a day for celebration the fires of Mount Dune burn no more this day was foretold young hobbit recall how we gathered the dwarves of gondolun, sought counsel with the Elves of Heldrath, conjured the ice wraiths of Findapor, and fought the ancient tree people of Wanderleth. All it required was one last piece of the puzzle to fall into place. Have you cast a spell to defeat Sauron? No, the bloody government stopped his winter fuel allowance.

Mine too! We'll have to melt the ring using my thermal underpants! Welcome to Young Again with me, Kirsty Young. And yes, we did think of the title before we came up with the idea. What would you say to your younger self? What advice would you give in the week that he prepares to hand over the leadership of the Conservative Party? I'm joined today by Rishi Sunak.

Hi, Kirsty. So, Rishi, how do you reflect on the overall trajectory of your life? Any regrets? Well, one or two, maybe here and and there but who doesn't? Okay, so if you could speak to your younger self, what advice would you give? Hmm, well in around 2012 when I was working for a hedge fund in California, what I'd say is essentially, for God's sake, don't even think of going into politics. I see, and would you say that the... I mean, what are you even thinking of changing career for

in the first place you bloody idiot you're earning an absolute fortune in California and you want to swap all that for an MP salary in North Yorkshire. Oh any other advice? Don't attend illegal COVID parties never leave a D-Day commemoration early and most important of all, buy a bloody umbrella. No, no, no, let me speak. Yes, Big Night is still celebrating, finally getting elected. As the old saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, and try again. It certainly works with the ladies.

Sometimes. Over the weeks, I've formed a real affinity with my constituency, which is why I was so proud to be formally announced as MP for, erm, you... Tractanon C! Is it really? Well, you learn something new every day. So look I'm dedicated to serving my constituents which is why I'm here in a bar in Alabama campaigning for my dear friend Donald. Wonderful! As soon as I knew Don needed my help I got right on the phone to him and

I said Donald I'm here for you and he, the number you have called has not been recognized. Amazing. Too proud to ask for help, that man. So I'm here to speak to some Republican voters. Show the lefty liberal, lame stream media that Donald's fans are just sensible, sort of the Earth folk. First in, we've got Mary Sue. What can I get you, Mary Sue? Anything but water. The government have poisoned it to turn all the frogs gay. Interesting stuff. How about a glass of vino?

Oh, wine is a French conspiracy to turn my sons trans. Oh, anyway, moving on. Ah, yes, Roscoe Buckwheat. A pleasure to be here, sir. What a thoroughly polite chap. It's just nice to be away from my day job. Oh, right, and what's that? Petitioning Congress to legalize carnal relations with farm animals. Crikey. Bloody hell.

Should have seen that coming. Right. Next. Ah! Emilia. I think Donald Trump make great president. Uh, okay. If you don't all American chicks, I like disco dancing, the hot dogs, and feathering Putin's imperialist goals of conquering all of Europe. Finally, a sensible answer. Amelia, here's my hotel room number. Well, this was great, but now it's

time to get back to folk that really matter. The people of Margate! Captain on scene! Whatever. Welcome to the repair shop, where precious keepsakes are lovingly restored and unpleasantness of any sort is totally forbidden. Our first visitor today is Susan from Guildford, with a glockenspiel that's seen better days. Hello? Anyone here? Hello?

Hello, Susan. Oh, you're the voiceover man. That's right. Now just leave the glockenspiel on the table over there, would you Susan? And then come back in a couple of weeks and we'll have fixed it. Oh, oh right. I was just expecting there to be someone to greet me, you know, like a host. Yes, about that. We've decided to do without a host for this series.

Oh, oh right. Oh, oh, right. Well, yeah, I did read about that Jay Blades being charged with... Go no further! If you please, Susan, we do not speak of such dark and troubling things here. For here in the wonderful world of the repair shop, we always respect the principle of subjudice. Oh.

How's he going to pay his bills? Oh I wouldn't worry about that. Whatever he has or hasn't done he'll still get paid. This is the BBC after all. Dead Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Jason Forbes. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amston and Tom Coles, Rob Dark, Edward Chu, Cody Darla, Sophie Dixon, Joe Topping, with additional material by Jennifer Walker.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.