Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep2. De-escalation and nuclear proliferation

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

The Dead Ringers team are back to train their vocal firepower on the week’s news with an armoury of impressive impressions.This week: Iran plays host to a surprising WMD Inspector, Laura Kuenssberg is de-escalated, and Ross Kemp on Grooming Gangs.Cast: Jan Ravens, Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisbey and Kieran Hodgson.The episode was written by: Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles, Sophie Dickson, Toussaint Douglas, Rob Darke, Cody Dahler, Edward Tew Jon Holmes, Davina Bentley, Katie Sayer, Alice Bright and Chris DonovanCreated by Bill Dare Producer: Jon Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Shut up losers. The Donald is talking now. So as Israel and Iran take us to the brink of World War Three, I just want to make it very clear. This would never have happened if Donald Trump was president but I know what you're asking why haven't I personally killed the Ayatollah bridge yet he's the boss of Iran big country bad country not a good country

I did some more digging into this Iran big place not. Used to be called Persia. Persia. They named it after a rug, I think. It's... I'm not sure. Anyway, it turns out these guys got some ideas, and they're not half bad. The way they handle protests, handle women. Seriously, everyone's telling me we've got to destroy Iran, rebuild their values, but these guys already have my values.

It's... They got more of my values than my values do. So maybe I'll join in the war after all, to go get my values back. I may do it, I may not. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg. My guest this morning is the Chancellor Rachel Reeves. Chancellor, before we discuss the current economic picture, can I ambush you with some questions about the situation between Israel and Iran? Certainly, Laura. We are calling for de-escalation. It's the opposite of escalation. Yet you're sending Typhoon jets and air-to-air refuelers.

Let me put it like this, Laura. In a shopping centre, there's the up escalator, then there's the one that you go down. It's called the down escalator. And that's what we're calling for here, the downscalation of the situation. And yet... Think of a kettle, Laura. A kettle that's all scaled up. What we're calling for is the descaling of the kettle. And we're only sending jets into the kettle in order to descale it.

But the British government continually sells arms to Israel, which it's using to scale up tensions in the region. Not at all, Laura. Think of a fish. The arrangement of scales on a fish is called the scalation. And we're calling for the opposite of that. What we want to see and what the prime minister has been clear about and what he's calling for and what the government's calling for and what it wants to see and what the Prime Minister has been clear about and what he's calling for and what the government's calling for and what it wants to see is

very much the opposite of a fish. And just so we are clear you're sending jets into the region to oppose the fish? Yes. And the fish is? Iran. I'm de-escalating this interview. You're watching Sky. Time now for Ross Kemp on Grooming Gangs. Now hold on. I know what you're thinking.

Ross Kemp on Gangs? Isn't that from 20 years ago? Well it turns out some things can go on for decades without anyone caring about them or knowing it's still going on. Like grooming kids or this program. I've come to Rotherham and first up I wanted to know how the gang had managed to fly under the radar for so many years. How did this happen? Hello, I'm a social worker who's scared of inflaming community tensions. And I'm a police officer who won't follow up complaints because I don't want to be accused of racism.

Shocking. But how did these gangs operate for so long without anyone doing anything? Who turns a blind eye? Jess Phillips! Mr Speaker, the word grooming is a racist dog whistle and anyone who thinks otherwise is endorsing the far right. Prime Minister! We don't need a national enquiry. Nigel Fraz!

They're starting to look threatening to Labour. We do need a national enquiry. This Labour gang are genuinely one of the worst. There was only one thing for it. Get the train back to London and ignore the problem along with the rest of the media. You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me Clive Myrie. Oh, I see your wife has perked up. This week leaders of the G7 countries have been meeting in Canada.

Let's find out the latest from the BBC's political editor Chris Mason. Chris, what can you tell us? Well, that's a good question Clive and it's a question that's difficult to answer, as are all questions when put to me, as I tend to answer every question with another question, which begs the question, do we ever get nearer to the answers? Or do we? So you can't tell us anything about the G7 summit despite having been there this week?

That's the question on everybody's lips here in Canada, Clive. In other political news, Chris, there are reports that senior bosses here at the BBC are drawing up a plan to make news content more reform voter friendly. What can you tell us about that? What can I tell you about that? That is my question.

And you'd like me to answer it? If at all possible. Well, as you know, Clive, for a century the BBC has had a reputation for always being totally and utterly impartial in a way that slightly favors the Tories. Last, an answer without a question. The question is though, is pandering to reform just one of those crazy ideas they have upstairs? Could it become a reality?

My question to you Clive is what do you think? Well I think we shall continue to remain a bastion of impartiality. Chris Mason there, let's get the weather now with Lee Anderson. Thanks Clive. Now, all this lefty sunshine means it's easier for immigrants to get across the channel in their woke boats to invade the country and I for one am sick to bloody death of it. I'm Professor Brian Cox and if you thought the painting in Dorian Gray's attic was bad, you should see mine. Tonight we imagine a very different universe.

Let's travel forward in time to the year 10,000. Mankind has journeyed far into the cosmos. We have colonised Mars. We are mining rare minerals on Venus and the moon is a popular holiday spot. Meanwhile, on Earth, it's just been confirmed that yet again, HS2 has been delayed. And won't be finished for another three billion years. Makes you think, doesn't it? Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Victoria Derbyshire. I take no prisoners.

That's why there's no prison in the Newsnight studio. It's a complete waste of space. One of the big questions this week apart from why is Newsnight nowhere near as good as it used to be is whether or not Iran does have nuclear weapons. Israel claims it does and I'm joined now by their new chief investigator. Yep, hello there Victoria, you know, it really is so great to be with you. Hang on a minute. Yep, that's right. It's, really it's so great to be with you. Ha ha ha ha. Hang on a minute. Yep, that's right, it's me, Tony, the Blair Witch Project.

As in... As in which current international project shall I stick my oar into next? Ha ha ha. You're Israel's weapons investigator. Oh, you know, it's not like I don't have experience. Ha ha ha. Honestly, the words weapons of mass destruction had barely left Benjamin Netanyahu's lips and Alistair Campbell and I were on the first flight to Tel Aviv.

So you're saying you've seen proof that Iran does have nuclear weapons? Oh yeah, absolutely. Where are they? Well, where aren't they? More like they're all over the place, lying on the floor, falling off shelves. I think I even saw an Iranian man carrying one on the bus on the way to work. So you've actually been on the ground in Iran collecting intelligence? Well, of course not.

I'm relying on unsubstantiated evidence as usual. Although I do have a reliable contact feeding me the information. Hey there, Tony Bear! Hehehehehehe. I found some weapons of mass destruction over here in this Tupperware container Taste of hummus and carrot cake That's my packed lunch Crap, whatever. Let's bomb her on Tony Blair. Thank you. Not a head and gesture shit eating grin for real-time sake

You're listening to LBC, which means you're either at your mum's or in the back of a cab pretending to be on your phone so that the driver doesn't speak to you. We're back now with James O'Brien. Okay, so we've established that Gary from RiceLip doesn't know what he's talking about. Shame it took him so long to work it out. Now here's Kerry with the weather. Thanks James. Things are looking up because there's going to be a scorcher of a heatwave this week with temperatures reaching... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there Kerry. Oh dear Kerry, you said that things are looking up. Definitely.

Your words Kerry, those were your words. Things are looking up. Yeah, but James... No, no Kerry, never interrupt the sigh. Definitely your words Kerry those were your words things are looking up Yeah, but James no Kerry never interrupt the sigh The world weary sigh of the everyman the James O'Brien sigh like a bat signal for centrist dads Help me along here Kerry in what way does the absence of life-giving water falling from the heavens mean that things are, and again, these are your words, looking up? Can I just finish the forecast? I've got a tea in the microwave. Kerry, let me just bury my head in my hands for the benefit of anyone watching this on YouTube. Hello. Kerry, please help me and the listeners understand how after enduring the hell of Brexit, a blazing sun transforming this country into a barren, featureless desert is a cause for celebration. Fine, whatever I hope it rains. Happy?

I'm never happy, Kerry, and I'm going to tug at my beard some more to prove it. Right. Fine, do the bloody weather yourself. Kerry's gone away now to think about what she's just said and how she's been wrong about everything all those years while I, James O'Brien, am 100% right 300% of the time. You're listening to Today with Emma Barnett in the studio and Nick Robinson in the cupboard where I've tied him up and left him. Israel has said this week that Iran, bombing its hospitals,

infrastructure and innocent citizens has crossed a red line. Explosion Sorry, that wasn't a missile. That was the world's irony meter exploding. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE This is today with Emma Barnett and Nick Robinson having escaped from the cupboard, with the Middle East plunged into conflict and the world teetering on the brink of World War

3. Who else will we be crossing to but the BBC's chief misery correspondent, Lise Doucette. It's wonderful to be with you Nick, but I should point out I no longer work for the BBC. What? Oh no, not you too. In the last few years so many brilliant journalists have gone and John Sople. A podcast is at least for a change. No, no Nick. In fact I've landed a gig as the fifth horseman of the apocalypse. I'm sorry, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse? Correct.

Death, famine, war, pestilence, and Lis Doucet. I have to ask why? Well, why do you think recently the poor horsemen have been rushed off their feet? War hasn't had a day off since January and was feeling totally burnt out. Famine is working flat out in Gaza, death's at his own door, and pestilence is suffering from long Covid. Anyway, in a nutshell, they desperately needed help, so here I am.

So you're enjoying the gig? Well Nick, it's an endless cavalcade of despair, of thwarted lives lived in excruciating pain, of misery heaped upon misery, and all is putrid and rotten. So not that different from being on staff at the BBC? Pretty much, though the coffee here is much better. The Foreign Secretary, David Lammy, is giving a press conference on the developing conflict between Iran and Israel. a press conference on the developing conflict between Iran and Israel. Good afternoon. Over the last few days, the conflict in the Middle East has intensified. So as the UK's Foreign Secretary...

David, David, it's me, your inner monologue. The whole world is watching your press conference with bated breath to see what you're going to do about the Iran-Israel conflict. I want to be clear. But remember, whatever you do steer clear of trying to be clear because every time you try to be clear the only thing that ends up being clear is that you never are. I want to be clear. No you don't.

As foreign secretary I have already taken firm action and ordered... That's it David, be bold. A very firm... But not too bold, you don't want to start a war with Iran. Mattress. Bolder than that. And my message to Iran is clear. If you threaten the UK. Yes, that's it.

Be masterful. I will respond with a firm. Yes. Spanking. Lamy. Sorry. You're lambying this up again. Sorry, what I'm trying to say is that the British government urges... Okay, we're going to leave that press conference with the Foreign Secretary there. What a total lamby. I mean the weather's fantastic, isn't it? I'm Rylan and I'm with you on BBC Radio 2.

Ken Bruce is dead to us. And who am I welcoming onto my show? Only my bestie, Stacy Solomon. Are you alright, babes? Oh yeah, you alright, babes? I'm alright, babes. Are all right, babes? Oh yeah, you all right, babes? I'm all right, babes, but are you all right, babes? Oh yeah, I'm all right, babes. You all right, babes?

I'm all right, are you all right? I'm all right, babes, you all right, babes? Yeah, bless you, babes. Now, I am champion at the bit. I'm so excited because little bird tells me that you've got a new podcast. What? No,s me... Yeah, what, what? That you've got a new podcast. What? No babes, no, no, no.

No, I'm flat out, I'm stretched to the limit. I've got my Sort Your Life Out telly show. I've got my reality show. I'm not doing a new podcast at the moment. Hang on babes, are you alright? Your face has got a funny colour. Well, a different funny colour than it usually is. I'll tell you what babes. What's the matter, babes? You're freaking me out.

I have a guest, a mate, who doesn't have a new podcast. Oh my god. I'm scared, babes. Oh my god, me too, babes. Is there anything you can do? Hang on. Look on that wall there. Oh yeah. That emergency box. What does it say? In case of your guest not having a podcast, hang on. Look on that wall there. Oh, yeah. That emergency box. What's it say? What's it say? In case of your guest not having a podcast, break glass. Right. What have we got to lose? Nothing. Hello, I'm Natalie Cassidy, aka Sonia from EastEnders.

Which of my new podcasts should we have a natter about? The nature one, the acting one, the telly one, or the one with me generally being a bit of a tit. Oh, for you we are saved. Oh thanks oh god that was such a scary moment. We should do a podcast about it. Don't spades I'll call BBC sounds.

Sort it out. Hello I'm Anita Rani and you're listening to Woman's Hour. Yes, it's 10 o'clock already and so far today you've achieved precisely nothing. This week you'll have seen the news that MI6 has appointed Blaise Metruweli as its first female chief in its 116 year history. But it's an appointment not without its critics. It's bloody clap trap is what it is. Lee Anderson joins me.

Mr Anderson, what's your issue with Ms. Metrowellie? It's diversity gone mad, ain't it? Well, not really. Blaise Metrowellie is extremely accomplished and experienced. Oh, wake up and smell the olive oil, Anita. She's only been promoted because she's a woman. And everyone knows a woman can't possibly handle being the chief spy.

Honestly, we'll all be speaking German within a week. That's completely inaccurate. I beg to differ, love. In fact, according to a survey, 100% of Brits think it should be a man. What survey? My survey, this is. Iits think it should be a man. What survey? My survey, this is.

I was down at Spoonies last night and I popped into the gents for a tactical waz and the bloke next to me were quite clear, it's just more of this lefty liberal wokery. As if a woman has the tactical brain necessary to stave off an attack from ISIS. Come on, love. OK, this isn't a serious conversation.

This couldn't be more serious, Anita. We're talking about putting a woman in charge of national security. I mean, how will she be able to tell where the baddies are when she can't even read a map? Mr Anderson! Men like you are... What happens if there are baddies firing guns or something? Everyone knows loud noises startle women.

She'll go cantering off and some poor bloke will have to go calmer down with a polo mint. Right, well now you're just confusing women with horses. And I tell you what, I'd feel a hell of a lot safer with a horse in charge of MI6 than a woman. And on that unbelievably offensive note... This is exactly what I'm talking about. If this diversity nonsense didn't exist, the BBC would have been able to hire proper male presenters to host Woman's Hour.

Woman's Hour is a show for women. Exactly. And that's why men don't want to listen to it, love. Here, let me show you how it should sound. Coming up on Woman's Hour today with me, Lee Anderson, what's the best gift to buy your wife right after she gives birth? Liposuction or a boob job? See? Much better. BBC Radio 5 Live, the voice of the UK, Adrian Charles. Yes, yes, it's me, the man who doesn't say much,

say words as masticate them. We're gonna cross over live now to a press conference by the leader of the opposition, Kemi Bakenock. Yes, that's right. I will commence the speaking after I have groomed my woodpecker. This is not a euphemism. I am actually grooming a woodpecker because I am weird.

Yes that's right. Question. Beth Rigby Sky News. Miss Spadenock you have been campaigning on the grooming gang since you became Tory leader. Are you pleased that your views are now widely shared across the political spectrum? No. I have no wish to hold mainstream opinions because I am a low-energy weirdo. Yes, that's right. I make my cat eat with a knife and fork. And I once filed a noise complaint against the moon. Next question Pestin ITV Miss Beglock if you don't wish to be in the mainstream, where do you see yourself?

That's right Robert. Yes. I don't want the man in the street to relate to me Or my woodpecker at all Which is why my policies are putting VAT on earwax and making rectangles illegal. I also use a sausage as a bookmark. This press conference has now concluded so I will stand completely still and stare at my woodpecker until you have all left the room. Robert Peston again. We can all see that you don't actually have a woodpecker, Miss Badenock. It's just you doing the squawking noise. I think our viewers will want to know why. Because it's my woodpecker's day off.

You're a weirdo. That's right, yes. APPLAUSE MUSIC Yes. No, no, no. Be quiet. Big Nigel speaking. I am here to talk to you today about the Casey report into grooming gangs and her recommendation that we should collect ethnicity data. And to that I say, catch up love, I've been collecting ethnicity data for years.

I can tell you this, every time I see someone foreign looking doing something foreign seeming, I jot it down in my little book, Oh Science. It's critical info. It all started down my local pub, the dog and goose step. My motto down with the spoons, well it's simple. If they're more colorful than the carpet, they're going in the book. Then I thought, why just restrict it to that? Why not work out which ones take the longest at the cash machine?

Which ones are wearing slippers outside? Which ones are ordering coronation chicken sandwiches? Tell you what, you can use the word coronation all you like mate, but it's still got curry powder in it! And as for these accusations of racism, come on I've said it once I'll say it again. Data can't be racist. Right so that's it from me, I'm off to put my feet up, pop the tally on and keep a tab of how many commercials contain mixed race relationships. Goodbye. Right, you're watching ITV News with me Tom Bradby. Sure, I'm friends with Prince Harry, but it's no biggie.

The government has said they are committed to pushing their reforms of the benefits system through Parliament, which means cuts to the personal independence payment. Liz Kendall, the work and pension secretary joins me now. The truth is these cuts are going to impact a lot of disabled people, aren't they, Minister? Not at all. No, it's so important that we listen to disabled people. And you know, Tom, I speak to disabled people all the time and they're very clear. About what? About whatever it is they say when I speak to them. And I do speak to them all the time and they're very clear about what about whatever it is they say when I speak to them and I do I Do speak to them all the time

Yes, I think our viewers would like to know who is it you're actually speaking to or for instance today I spoke to a lovely young man named Tim whose mobility severely impaired He walks with a crutch his limbs supported by an iron frame. Okay. Well now he's come off benefits, he's got a job delivering turkeys and only yesterday he wished me a Merry Christmas and added, God bless us everyone. Miss Kendall, are you talking about the fictional Dickens character Tiny Tim? I speak to all sorts of disabled people. Today I spoke to an incredibly impressive man, an expert in genetics who suffered a

tragic accident and is paralyzed from the waist down, uses a wheelchair. I see. But he wants to come off benefits and get work so he's opened a school for gifted youngsters and uses his telepathic powers to defeat evil villains who want to take over the world. That's clearly Professor Xavier from the X-Men. And last week I spoke to a wonderfully talented composer with physical facial disfigurement, but with reasonable adjustments and the right support, he now works in an opera house. That's the Phantom of the Opera, is it?

That's offensive, Tom. He. That's offensive Tom, he may have a disability but he's not a ghost. Minister, have you spoken to any actual disabled people? No. Willis Kendall, thank you. From writer Richard Curtis comes the story of another improbable romance between an awkward bungling Englishman and an incredibly famous American. Oh gosh you've dropped your papers. Whoopsie daisies they're going everywhere. Let me get them for you. Hello. Sorry I don't know your name. You're a waiter or something right? No no I'm the British Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer. We've been in a meeting together for the last four hours.

Right, right. Well, I have to leave here now, but I'll never forget what a great bartender you are. But will their bromance survive their many differences? I'm also just a boy. Standing in front of someone I can bully relentlessly. Forcing him to sign a hastily written tariff agreement. You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been. Keir, actually. Coming soon to a theater of war near you.

Dead Ringless was performed by Jan Ravens, John Colshaw, Jess Robinson, Louis McLeod, Duncan Wisby and Kieran Hodgson. It was written by Neff Fountain and Tom Jainson, Lawrence Howard, Tom Cole, Sophie Dixon, Toussaint Douglas, Rob Dar, Cody Darlin and John Holmes. Additional material was written by Davina Bentley, Katie Sayre, Alice Bright, Chris Donovan. It was the BBC Studios' audio production. Dared Ringers was created by Bill Dare and the producer was John Holmes. Hello, Greg Jenner here. I am the host of You're Dead To Me from BBC Radio 4. We are

the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it and we're back for a brand new series, series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France. We are looking at the Arts and Crafts movement and the life of Sojourner Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age. Loads of different stuff. It's a fantastic series, it's funny, we get great historians, we get great comedians. So if you want to listen to You're Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.