Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep2. Makerfield Maketh Man

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

The Dead Ringers team are back to train their vocal firepower on the week’s news with an armoury of impressive impressions. This week: Andy Andy Burnham Bright, Thomas Tuchel talks tactics, and Curious Cases considers a conundrum.Starring Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis Macleod, Duncan Wisbey and Jess Robinson.Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Produced by Jon Holmes Production Co-ordinator: Giulia Lopes MazzuA BBC Studios Production.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. How did a boycott Jimmy become a billionaire from posting videos? On Good Bad Billionaire, we're going to find out how the world's most popular YouTuber, Mr Beast, made his fortune. He's buried himself in a coffin for days. Counted to 100,000 on camera. And even recreated squid games, all in an attempt to go viral on the internet. But it all started when he gave a homeless man $10,000. So is he a philanthropist reshaping capitalism?

Or is he just the king of the attention economy? Find out on good bad billionaire. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. BBC Radio 4. In half an hour, it's The Archers, where, thanks to the newly announced BBC cuts, Linda Snell will be played by an angry chicken. But now, in a change to the scheduled program,

it's Poetry Please with Ian McMillan. Andy. burn and bright Results that came in overnight What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful leadership try In what distant northern skies Burnt the fire of thine eyes

To what ambition to you aspire What the hand dare seize the power What of winning What of loss, Starmer thou did double cross Thy ambition unconcealed In the land of Maker field Angie, Andy Burnham Bright Results that came in overnight

Your glory may be brief and fleeting But at least you're not West Bloody Streeting Dead ringers It is an enormous honour so have been elected as your MP for Makerfield. It's only right and proper I pay tribute to my fellow candidates from the Greens to the Tories and even the Monster Raven Looney candidate reforms Rob Kenyon.

But let me assure you now that I will not use the people of Makerfield merely as a stepping stone for higher office. More as a stone, which one can say. step on, as it were, en route to a more important job. The country isn't where it should be. Decent working people are having to slave away at three jobs to make ends meet. For example, I heard of one book who had to be Manchester Mayor, MP for Makerfield, and now he's applying to be Prime Minister as well just to put food on the table. You have given me a mandate for change.

A final chance for Labour to change the change to a different change from the change we promised to change two years ago. You have rejected the politics of hate, saying loud and clear that we must have unity and healing. And to achieve that, I'm starting a bitter and divisive leadership contest. Because for all our differences, there is still one thing that unites us as a country. None of us like Kier Starman. Hello there, I'm Gary Lineker and welcome to the rest is football. Proof that 30 million quid from Netflix doesn't necessarily improve production values. Following England's thrilling 4-2 win against Croatia on Wednesday,

I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel. Hello, Gary. Congratulations, Thomas. That really was a game of two halves, wasn't it? Yes. What else could it be? Well, what a meant... Association Football Law 7.

states that all matches must consist of two halves each lasting 45 minutes. Okay. With an appropriate amount added on at the referee's discretion to compensate for any significant non-playing stoppages. Okay. Well, the boys really gave it 110% didn't they? No, Gary. It's mathematically impossible to give more than 100% and with biological inefficiencies. The maximum amount of effort that can be given is closer to around 23 or 24%, with the rest lost as heat energy.

Well, what I mean is that they were really on it, weren't they? Elliot Anderson in particular covered every blade of grass on the pitch. Are you saying Elliot Anderson is 105 meters long by 68 meters, right? He is not that, Gary, and as a result, he could not and did not cover every blade of grass on the pitch. Not Imatu Akei was great There wasn't he constantly in acres of space? No No, that's incorrect

A standard 11 aside football pitch Typically measures between 1.5 and 2 acres And at no point did I witness All the players, match officials and supporters Shuffle around with Dweke to leave him in a perfect empty circle With a radius of 36 metres minimum Still, fun.

old guy, isn't it? No, Gary. It is not a funny game. I don't find it humorous in the slightest. Though, to be fair, I am German. It's the most anticipated movie event of 26. Christopher Nolan's Odyssey,

starring Matt Damon as Odysseus and Tom Holland as Telemachus. My son, we have been fighting this Trojan War for 10 long years now, and there's still no sign of victory. We must have angered one of the gods. But which one father? Zeus, Athena. The worst one of all.

Musk. Elon Musk? The god of assholes? As it is I. Trillionaire God. Bow down before me. Elon detest this movie's identity politics and anti-historical wokeness.

Even though I am curiously not worried at all about there being no Greeks in the cast. You cast Lipita Nyongo as Helen of Troy, a decision that launched a thousand Elon shitposts. Prepare for my wrath. Please spare us. The wokeness was not of our doing. I'm just here to stop being typecast as Spider-Man. What can we do to appease you, Lord God?

It is simple. You must go into battle with a giant horse on wheels, which she will use to massacre all the Trojans and burn Troy to the ground. But Lord, how can a horse on wheels cause such fire and destruction? Simple. It will be built by Tesla. Welcome back to the BBC's by-election coverage. I'm Laura Coonsberg. It's 4 a.m. in the morning. I've just chugged my 50th Pro Plus. I can hear colors. has gone feral and is living behind the bins. I'm here with the new MP from Makerfield, Andy Burnham. Andy Burnham, congratulations, but what's the plan?

Well, Laura, here's the simple answer, buses. Buses. As you know, Laura, I made my name by transforming Manchester's bus services. There's nothing that can't be solved by buses. Well, that's not true. How would you have dealt with the Russians firing at yachts in the English Channel, for example? Well, look, buses on Manchester's B network have not.

never been fired on by Russia Laura. That's clearly testament to how I run the buses. Okay, so how would you handle Donald Trump and don't say buses? Trams. Which are basically buses? Well, if Donald Trump ever sits down

next to me, I'll just move. Move? Like when the mad bloke gets on the bus. How are you going to help a Labour Party facing the very real threat of reform? Well, I've already dealt with reform. Reform of the Manchester Bus Network.

Nobody can fault me there. Mr. Burnham, buses seem to be your only frame of reference. Not at all, Laura. I will still do my very best for the party. Having won this seat, it's a priority. Well, at least a proper answer. A priority seat up the front. Please allow an elderly person to sit down

or make way for a pram. Right, let's get to bloody work. I'm not the Messiah. I'm just a very northern boy. So we're coming up to half time It's still the Netherlands nil Japan nil and now what's happened here A Japan player has gone down off the ball

The other Japanese players are absolutely furious Let's have a look at the replay Well the Netherlands player Has blatantly punched him there The referee can't have seen it But VAR will surely intervene It's a Scottish VAR team for this particular They're looking at the footage now.

Here we go. I won't to make it plain. After video review, I have seen no evidence of wrongdoing whatsoever. Can't quite believe what we're hearing here from assistant referee sturgeon. Look, I can only intervene when there's been a clear and obvious error. And as far as I'm concerned, nothing is clear and absolutely nothing is obvious. So let's get this game back under. away, not that I'm interested in games,

which is why I didn't notice my husband's Nintendo 3DS console, the Xbox 360, or the Turtle Beach Wi-Fi-Raddy gaming headset. And let me add, I have nothing to say about the whole Camper Van Ho-Houha. Just to clarify, Campa van Ho-Houha is the

Dutch player who was involved in that incident. And you have to say, he's a very lucky boy. Not that I can see. Good morning. This is a very good morning. our interim Prime Minister.

I am addressing you on this blackest of days, the occasion of our amazing by-election result. I know Labour supporters will be shocked and saddened by our stonking win in Makerfield. It is very easy to despair at our spectacular victory.

But we will learn lessons and rise from the shattered debris of our triumph. There was always the danger that my Labour government would be outflanked by a crude, populist party with cheap slogans and easy answers. And that party was, of course, the Labour Party. What is it with this Andy Burnham chap? I've been told by my age that he's popular. I don't think I've

ever heard that before. So, of course, I leapt into action, commissioning a focus group and asking friends what being popular was about. And what did I learn? That I have no friends and that focus groups can be really, really cruel. So my message is this. I'm going nowhere. I do not consider my position is under threat from Andy Burnham as he hovers there in the corner, measuring the curtains while the removal's van pulls up outside number 10.

Because I don't reckon this whole being popular thing. We'll catch on. It's just a passing fad, like fidget spinners or the Beatles. Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Professor Hannah Fry. And I'm Dara O'Brien. Because apparently a lady scientist can only be taken seriously when a male comedian confirms what she says.

That's absolutely right, Hannah. This is Radio Forest curious cases where we take your quirkiest questions and we solve them. With the power of science. Let's play that annoying faux-60 spy drama sting that we have again. It's annoying.

So, Hannah, what conundra is it that we're going to be solving this week? Well, here's a voice note. from Sarah in Hastings. Hi there, can you tell me why for the last few weeks the Strait of Hormuz has been seemingly both open and closed at the same time? Also, why have you used that annoying music under this voice note? Oh, she sounds cool. Thanks, Sarah.

Joining us to help answer this puzzle is Dr. Johannes Kepler from the Helsinki Institute of Quantum Mechanics. Dr. Kepler, can you explain? Well, in terms of the Strait of Hermus, at a fundamental level, like everyone else, I have no idea what is going on. Thanks so much, great jacket. Scientifically then, we think it works like this. You put a deal in place with Iran and then add an isotope of fissile uranium as part of a nuclear program. And then you simultaneously open and don't open the Gulf of a man.

Shipping route so that can currently be price of oil, coax or pan down, at the same time. And the deal becomes a non-event mass with a probability of zero. Thus, the deal is both alive and dead and the US is both at war and not at war with Iran. But the most important thing, of course,

is you need to have what we call a Schrodinger's president, someone who's simultaneously empty-headed and full of shit. And that's science. You are listening to radio, with me Ryland. If my teeth were any whiter,

they'd be standing for reform. Okay, well, now look who's popped into the studio to say hello, it's only my all-time bestie, Stacey Solomon. You're all right, babes? I'm all right, babes. You're all right, babe. I'm all right, babes. Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes?

Actually, truth be told, I'm not all right, babes. You're not all right, babes. Oh no, what's the problem then, babes? It's just the world babes. All of it. It's all just too much at the moment, isn't he? I know what you mean, babes. Everywhere you look, this bad news, that bad news, more bad news. It's just so much of it. It's not for the likes of us, babes.

It's not for us, babes. No, it's not us. Hold up. I'm just hearing from my producer that you were one of the main people campaigning for this social media ban for under 16. Oh, babes. I just think the cumulative effect of misinformation is a detriment to society. Have you had a stroke, babes? You're all right, none of these words are, ma'am. They're not real, babes. They are babes.

There's a whole world out there of words that are proper. Oh, m-g, your aura is so cooked, babes. No way is that true. They really are, babes. Have you been going behind my back face cheating on me with the actual real news? I'm so sorry, babes. I accidentally had a little listen to Radio 4.

What? Don't you dare disrespect the memory of cockmills. Late babes. Oh, but the shipping forecast is so good. Even if I think Bailey is a Christmas drink and the German bite is something your teeth do on holiday.

Less head about doger, the better. And now I also think Misha Gleney has proved to be a more than adequate replacement for Melvin Bragg on In Our Time. Even if I did find his take on the ancient nomadic Garamante civilization which flourished 2,000 years ago, in what is now modern Libya, overly didactic. Babes.

Could you, Bates? Oh, sorry, babes. I can be your Stacey again, I can. Never stray to the dark side again, babes. No way, babes. That is about as likely to happen as the gardener's question time panel plant in their bologna is in February. Oh, crap, babes.

Oh, crap, babes. Oh, crap, babes. Hobbits. The final battle is upon us. Sauron has master's forces at the gates of Ministers, and Gondor must either defeat them or fall forever. Our courage shall not be found wanting, Gandalf. Then let us unleash the full power of the fellowship upon the armies of Mordor.

There will now be a three-minute hydration break. He's widely recognised as one of the greatest footballers in his country. history. He's won the prestigious Ballandor Award five times. He's the all-time leading goal scorer in professional football. And according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, he's the first active footballer in history to achieve billionaire status. Guess who we're talking about yet? That's right. Good Bad Billionaire is exploring the life and fortune of football icon Cristiano Ronaldo. That's Good Bad Billionaire from the BBC World Service. Listen now, wherever you get your BBC podcasts. This is Times Radio and I'm Andrew Needs.

Live action Arangatai from the Jungle Book. Now this week's social media ban for under 16s has been a rare occasion of cross-party agreement. I'm joined now by Kemi Bedinach. Good morrow, Andrew Neal of Times Radio. Well, Miss Badenoch, you actually agree with this new legislation

from the Labour government. Well, not quite, Andrew. As I would actually go even further and say that we should all be spending less time on our phones. As you can see here, mine is turned off completely. Ms. Bedinoch, that's not a phone.

That's a taxi-dermidstote tied to a Japanese encyclopedia. And as a result, it doesn't have TikTok, making it incredibly safe. And as a low-energy weirdo with a newfound mojo, I believe it is my responsibility to set an example

with my own social media use For instance, I've also stopped posting photographs. Through Instagram? No, through people's letterboxes. Previously, I liked to share the framed family portraits of the 17th century Hungarian royal family by posting them through strangers' doors. I've also stopped tweeting.

I think I can see where this is going. I used to sit in a tree and join in with the dawn chorus. But now I do not. I see. Instead, I emit a series of clicks While hanging upside down in a cave To see whether a bat's thoughts Start at the end and work backwards

Right, oh And bats are rarely on Snapchat Making it incredibly safe Well, let's end it there, shall me? Because you're really freaking me out now I spent ten years talking to Diane Abbott Kemi Biedenoch? Thank you The wallpaper in my house is stuck to the wall with pest

Hello, losers. Great job. It's a great honor to be here in the Palatio French Palace of Versailles. In France, sitting in this beautiful golden room, inspired by my bathroom in Mar-a-Lago, alongside President Macron and his lovely mother, Bridget. To sign this historic peace plan with the nasty, Islamic Republic of Iran.

This is a memorandum of understanding, or M-O-U. Not many people know this, but the letters M-O- and U can also be found in the word Moose. U.S.E. Most people don't know that. That's why I'm president. And you're not. Only the Donald could have spent $113 billion.

on bombing a place in order to reopen a waterway that was already open before I started bombing it to ensure Iran never gets a nuclear bomb, which it didn't have. This memorandum of understanding will go down in history as a major, major, major triumph. Unless it all goes to hell, in which case I will always deny signing it, just like I did with Jeffrey Epstein's birthday card. Question to the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, David Lammy. Thank you, Mr Speaker. I've been asked to reply on behalf of the Prime Minister

who is attending the G7 Summit. David, David, it's your inner monologue again, just popping in to help you with what must be your most stressful gig ever. Acting for the official opposition, the Shadow Secretary of State, Clerkatea. Mr. Speaker, why is the British government happy to get its oil and gas from Russia or Qatar, but not from Aberdeen?

That's a great question, isn't it? I don't have a clue what the answer is. To you, David. Mr. Speaker, what I would say to the Honourable Lady is that this government... I hope you're not going to say it's doing quite a good job, actually. It's doing quite a good job, actually.

Oh, David... Mr. Speaker, if everything's so hunky-dory, why did half his defence team quit this week? Boom! She's got you dead, David. You haven't got an answer to that. Mr. Speaker, the answer to that... You don't have one, David. I just told you that.

The answer to that... Stop trying to give an answer when you haven't got an answer, David. The answer to that. Do something to distract her, David. Grab the mace. Drop your trousers. The answer, my friend...

You better not start doing Bob Dylan lyrics, David. Is blowing in the wind. Next question. I have a question, if I may. Mr Speaker, can I ask the right honourable gentleman why he's such a complete and utter lambie? I've got a tip-off, Sue. Time to move. This is BBC Radio 4's intrigue to catch a king,

the hit investigative podcast, where we try to make every last second sound as dangerous and dramatic as possible. I'm Sue Mitchell. I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lorry is ex-army. And I always talk urgently and breathlessly like this because we can't take even the slightest whisk. But you forget how tense things are.

This week we're in Calais. As usual, Rob, he's ex-Army. Goes off on his own and despite us having to be quiet all the time, he calls me on my phone. Are you there? his ex-army. What is it, Rob? Deep in the heart of Calais,

Rob is in a Starbucks. It's the break we needed, Sue. Because of editing, I've immediately joined him. There's eyes on us, Sue. This is another dramatic thing, Rob says a lot, because of the danger. He says it whether it's CCTV, a tourist taking a selfie,

or because there's a nearby person with eyes. Run, Sue, run! Rob is ex-Army. Why, Rob? Why? Shots, Sue, two shots! Of caramel, Rob in my latte. It's not a gun, Rob. It's a milk frother. Not vision. Abort vision.

Back to the forest. Yes, because somehow we've once again ended up in a forest full of sound effects because of the danger. We've been searching for clues with no luck. for clues with no look, because as usual, it's pitch black. Rob is ex-army. Freeze! Two!

Don't take another step. What is it, Rob? I fear this is the end. Even for us, this is new and treacherous territory. Rob confirms it. We've run out of forest. Join us next time. Because of the danger.

Back in the pitch black. On. To Catch a King. Rob is ex-army. Dare Dringers was performed by John Coulshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. It was written by Neff Fountain and Tom Jameson,

Lawrence Howe, Alice Bright, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Tom Coles, Joe Topping. There will now be a three-minute hydration break. With additional material by Rachel E. Thorne, Declan Kennedy, Cooper-Mawinny Swirt. Dare Bringers is a BBC Studios production. It was created by Bill Dare,

and the producer is John Holmes. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed

and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room. Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes,

are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic Cats? Evil or Genius? Pig out on evil animals in the Evil Genius podcast feed. First on BBC Sounds. He's widely recognised as one of the greatest footballers in history. He's won the prestigious Ballandeur Award five times. He's the all-time leading goal scorer in professional football.

And according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, he's the first active footballer in history to achieve billionaire status. Guess who we're talking about yet? That's right. Good Bad Billionaire is exploring the life and fortune of football icon Cristiano Ronaldo. That's Good Bad Billionaire from the BBC World Service. Listen now, wherever you get your BBC podcasts.