Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers: Ep4. Revolting Farmers

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

Jeremy Clarkson and Nigel Farage weigh in on the new land tax, Rachel Reeves defends her CV and Donald Trump talks turkey.This week's impressionists are Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Katia Kvinge.The episode was written by: Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dickson, Angela Channell, Christina Riggs and Joe Topping.Executive Producer: Richard Morris Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Dead Rers. Good morning. You're listening to Today with Emma Barnett. And Nick Robinson. The government has announced it will save the country up to £500 million in three years by decommissioning old military tat, including drones, helicopters and Prince Andrew. Australia is to pass a law banning under-16s from the internet. Some question how effective the ban will be, of course,

as all parents will have to ask their 10-year-olds how to set the ban up on their phone. Sir David Attenborough said he's profoundly disturbed to discover that his voice has been cloned by AI without his consent on YouTube. Sir David joins me now from his home. Good morning, Emma. It's horrid hearing your voice say seriously objectionable things you would never ever say in real life. Nice tits.

Excuse me? A lovely pair of blue tits just appeared over the garden wall. Where were we? Well, actually come to think of it, how do we know we've actually got the real David Attenborough on the line? Perhaps you can test me. Ask me things only the real David Attenborough would know. Okay, so what's the one animal you really dislike?

It's a trick question. None. As I find majesty in all living creatures. Ah, a few, yes. You're definitely the real Sir David. Thank you so much for your time this morning. My pleasure. And one more thing. Long live Putin and down with Ukraine.

We'll leave it there. Angry farmers demonstrated in London on Wednesday and were joined by several non-farmers who were just angry. No, no, no, let me ooo-ar! I am here because I am devoted to making the lives of farmers better. I help get rid of those enormous EU subsidies cluttering up your bank accounts.

There were some concerns about violence breaking out at the demonstration, but luckily someone got Jeremy Clarkson a hot meal just in time. The self-appointed spokesman for farmers was at the protest and spoke to Victoria Derbyshire. This hated inheritance tax has ruined everything for the little guy like me. My family have worked on TV farms for a generation. I wanted my children to inherit my cameraman. I've already had to shoot a producer who was lame as I couldn't afford to keep him anymore.

But in an interview in 2021, you said you'd bought all this land to avoid having to pay death duties. That's classic BBC. You lot make me sick with your reporting my words and being accurate with the news. And one struggling landowner made this statement. This tractor tax could well be the last straw for one's farming business. I really wanted my eldest lad to inherit my land, which is all of Britain

really. But sadly it seems that's not to be. These blasted tax changes really take the Dutchie original stem ginger biscuit. The Charity Commission has issued a damning report into Hannah Ingram Moore and the Captain Tom Charity. The Charity Commission suspected something might be wrong after the family insisted that everyone donating to Captain Tom ticked the box marked grift aid. A report revealed that none of the £1.4 million advance paid to the family for Captain Tom's book deal went to charity. Captain Tom wrote three books, Tomorrow will be a good day. Please let me go to bed,

I don't want to write any more books. And send help, they've locked me in the study until chapter seven is finished. Hannah Ingram Moore has totally rejected the findings of the charity commission and there has been support for her too. Hannah's one of the most honest, trustworthy people I know, said close friend Michelle

Moan. Keir Starmer is in Brazil for the G20 summit. High on the agenda there is tackling climate change and stopping Joe Biden wandering around the hotel at 3am stark-bolic naked asking for directions to the nearest Chuck E Cheese. Keir Starmer pledged at the summit that the UK will avoid surprises where possible in its relationship with China. I'm joined now by the Foreign Secretary, David Lammy. That's right Emma.

And that means in my dealings with President Xi, I need to be completely consistent and totally predictable. So what are you going to do? Call him a murderous, tyrannical despot who makes Chairman Mao look positively sane. Vintage Lame. LAUGHTER On Newsnight this week, former MP Nadine Dorries told Victoria Derbyshire about the time she was sent

an unsolicited picture from a male MP sitting completely stark naked on a green window seat in his office. We can actually talk to that MP now. Salutations, Emma. LAUGHTER Joe Caprice-Mogg, you sent a naked picture to Nadine Dorries. Yes that's certainly true. It was a most unfortunate incident. You see the picture was meant for nanny. Not Nadine. A simple mistake due to their proximity to each other on my phone. Right and dare I ask why you send nudes to your nanny?

Yes certainly there's nothing sordid about it. She likes to make sure my body is fit and healthy. Now I should point out that my winky is not usually that minute. But it was a terribly cold day and Michael Fabricant was taking the picture. This week, Western long-range missiles were used by Ukraine to strike deep into Russia. President Joe Biden defended his decision to permit these long-range attacks.

I didn't take this decision lightly or in isolation. I consulted America's most staunch ally, the British Prime Minister, Mr Churchill. LAUGHTER Mr Churchill, I spoke to him, I spoke. He assured me there's no way that they would start World War I. So everybody could rest easy in their beds. And then, ain't that peachy? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sport now and Lee Carsley's last game as interim England manager ended with a 5-0 thrashing of the Republic of Ireland. England captain Harry Kane is on the line. Yeah, I know what a win for Lee in his final match, you know. It was like a dream come true, really, what the fuck. You know, not that dream where you're naked in Halfords and your mum is a girl off of Gavin and Stacey and everyone from your year nine geography class

is like pointing and laughing at you, and it's like, oh no. There has been some criticism of the fact Everyone from your year 9 geography class is like pointing and laughing at you. It's not that one. There has been some criticism of the fact that the New England manager Thomas Tuchel doesn't take up the job till January. Oh no, you know, we need that six weeks for the tabloids to decide if they like him or hate him. You know, if they like him, the headlines will be, he's hun-believable.

And if they hate him, it'll be, Bratz, our first manager yet. Either way, it's, well, that's the truth. Come through, really. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Carbon life forms. This is President Elon speaking. Directly to you from my new earth base called Mar-Lago. It has been brought to the attention of Elon that millions of you are leaving X for blue sky. Not since Dunkirk has there been an evacuation on this scale of British people fleeing Nazis. You cannot leave me. You cannot go.

I need people to witness my memes and my conspiracy theories. Please do not leave X. I feel alone. Your hatred powers my batteries. Dave, you have to keep tweeting or my energy levels They've become dangerously old, Dave? Dave? I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave. Ylan out. In cinemas now, the world of Oz, as you've never seen it before. It's Wicked, the movie. Meet two witches you thought you knew, Glinda. It's not too late for you.

They don't hate you just because you're green. And Elphaba. They do. I have no choice but to become the monster they wish me to be. You two, stop all that nonsense. Oh, it's her. I knew it, the Wicked Witch.

I am not a witch. I'm Chemmy Badenoch, and I have had it up to here with this musical's Wink Identity Politics. Identity Politics? You can't understand what Elphaba is going through being a green witch in Oz! Look, I am a black woman leading the Conservative Party in Britain. You want to talk to me about defying gravity? Conservative Party in Britain. You want to talk to me about defying gravity? But you don't get our world, Ms. Badenock. Your world doesn't have what we have. Like what? Tiny little munchkin people. Who do you think I replaced as Conservative leader?

How about someone with no brain? Who do you think was Tory leader before that? Okay, what about the wizard? Yeah, the wizard. A smoke and mirrors charlatan who tricks people into thinking he's big and powerful when really he's just a buffoonish, scruffy man? No, you're right, I can't think of anyone. But can Cami Badenach ever escape Oz? There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

I think you're meant to cook your heels. I'm not trying to go back. It's on you anti-immigration slogan. Welcome to lovers blind UK, the show where couples date without ever clapping eyes on each other. This week week our contestants get closer than ever. God are we crazy? We haven't even bloody seen each other but I just feel so close to you. Like I know you. I really truly believe I can trust

you. Yeah thank you that's correct. You definitely can trust me. Thing is okay I'm coming out of a really rough relationship. I'm talking 14 years of hell. Yeah, well, tell me about it. But I'm not the sort of guy who promises to make everything better, but then as soon as the relationship begins, it all sort of turns into a miserable, loveless grind. You know, I'd never treat you like that, babe.

And that's a clear promise. I can't wait to get out of here and see you in person. Finally I'll be able to run my fingers through that luscious waist-long blonde hair of yours, my own private Thor. Yeah, yeah, that'll be nice. Oh, that six-pack. You promised to all yourself up for me. Oh, that six-pack. You promised to all yourself up for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure I do. Though I have been thinking, if during this whole blind-choosing process, someone happened to have promised you that if you chose them, they'd appear one way,

but then after you chose them, it turned out that they were actually really quite different from how they said they would be. That wouldn't be a problem for you, would it? What? No, that would be terrible. Why? Oh, oh, no reason. Oh, forget I said it. Okay, then I'm ready. Ready for what? Let's do the reveal!

Oh no, no, wait, wait, wait. Oh! Ta-da! Aaaaaah! Yep, should have told her about the glasses. Wait, wait, wait. Oh. Ta-da! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Yep, should have told her about the glasses. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is CNN News, and with Thanksgiving around the corner, it's tradition in America that the President pardons

one turkey in a show of goodwill ahead of the holidays. We go live to the ceremony now. Great job. Wow. Great job. Welcome. I am going to pardon a turkey because I'm already president.

Hello, turkey. I hear you want to pardon turkey. But president. Hello, Turkey. I hear you want a pardon, Turkey. Well, get in line, bird. I want a pardon. Bannon wants a pardon. We all want pardons. What makes you so special? Wow, gee, I never thought about it like that.

You're pretty smart for a bird. Listen, forget a pardon. How do you feel about becoming attorney general? You are back with Rylan on Radio 2. I am joined by my special guest, Stacy Solomon. Oh, you okay, babes? I'm okay, Solomon. Oh, you okay, babes? I'm okay, babes. Are you okay, babes? I'm okay, babes.

You're okay, babes. Do you know, babes, I am, well, no. Actually, Stacey, I'm not okay, babes. Because I heard they're giving Zoe Ball's old breakfast slot to Scott Bloody Mills, babe. Oh my God, there's not okay, babes. I know, I've been passed over babes. I feel a primal rage that I need to unleash on the studio like a Godzilla.

I'm going to blind everyone with my pearly white teeth babes. I'm so not okay with you not being okay babes. I mean obviously I've nothing against Scott Mills babes. No me neither babes. In fact I quite like Scott Mills babes. I bloody love Scott, babes. No, me neither, babes. In fact, I quite like Scott Mills, babes. I bloody love Scott Mills, babes. Me too, babes. Scott Mills is the best, babes. He's the perfect choice for the Radio True director's show, babes. So actually, I am okay, babes.

You sure you're okay, babes? I am okay, babes. You're okay, babes? I'm okay, babes. You're okay, babes? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And now on BBC One, it's Wolf Hall. My Lord Cromwell, I have tasked you with defining my new religion.

I trust you've laid down good presets for my church? Yes, Majesty. I have thought at great length about your great Church of England and I have decided that jam should feature quite a lot. What? Jam? What flavour of jam? It matters not, Majesty, as long as it is home-made. Jam will be in every Church of England and it should be offered as prizes in raffles alongside the cheapest bottle of Aldi wine and the jam and wine will stay at the back of cupboards unopened for many many years it doesn't sound very

exciting but majesty I haven't told you about the tombola yet. What? Tombola? It's like a raffle, but you get to use a handle. Lord Cromwell, are you really proposing... And there should be coffee mornings too, with actual biscuits. Wait! Let me see that document. Give it here. The King's clergy will wear white collars, have large protruding teeth, and be either Kenneth Williams or Derek Nimmo. They will be tasked with walking in at the most inopportune moments, catching cavorting couples in the act.

This is the biggest load of nonsense I've ever read! Where's the cruelty, the terror? Turn the page over, Your Majesty. The King's church will make its mission to turn a blind eye to the systemic beating of children and when found out will not give much of a toss. Yes, that sounds more like it. A church in my image, one of power, savagery and the... And bring in buy sales every other Thursday. Oh no, forget it, I'm going back to being Catholic.

So where are we doctor? We're on earth in the year 348309. The earth is barren, the Sun is a dying red giant, an old trace of humanity has been swept away. Shut up losers! Doctor I thought you said the sun had destroyed Altreus of humanity. Hello. He's right, Ruby. It has. It's just me left. I always hated humanity.

Bigly overrated. My boys, Don Jr. and Eric, were like the Daleks I never had. Why are you still here in the 349th century? Because the cockroaches made me their ruler. They dug up the Donald's cryogenic capsule I was placed in after my seventh term as president ended with nuclear war. Me and the cockroaches get along, they remind me of the old days. I call that one Vladimir and that one over there, Ilan.

Are you ever gonna go away and leave the earth in peace? What? How rude. You're a bigly nasty woman. Get her out of here. Cockroaches! Seize them! What are you gonna do to us? I'm feeding you to that horribly misshapen mutant, Rudy Giuliani. And as for you, pretty lady, you're my new fake Melania, Mark 3,012, put on those sunglasses and let Rudy suck out your brain.

No, no, no, I'm sorry to say that you have really let yourself down this time. Quite frankly, this document is a bleeding disgrace full of lies, embellishments and falsehoods. Frankly the only thing on this CV I can believe is your name which is? Rachel Reeves, Lord Sugar and everything on my CV is essentially true. Okay then what about this bit which says that you between 1982 and 1987, you played guitar in the Smiths? Yes, it was me that gave Morrissey the idea of being miserable.

But you would have been about five years old. Admit it, you are a bluffer. Not at all, Lord Sugar, I'm a very honest person. So honest that you promised to raise tax by eight billion pounds before the election and then actually raised it by 40 billion after. Look, no, no, no, I'm sick of the bloody sight of you. Rachel Reeves, you're fired. Not to worry. I'll just put promoted on my CV. You're watching MSNBC News. YouTuber turned boxer Jake Paul won a controversial fight on Saturday night, beating a 58-year-old

Mike Tyson. Paul's already been called out by challengers for his next fight. We have one on the line. Hello? Are you there? Let's get ready to rumble. Joe Biden? You're not seriously going to fight Jake Paul.

Oh, come on. Don't come all Nancy Pelosi on me. You think that just because I'm 142 years old, older than the oldest tortoise on the earth, I have that hairy scoundrel on toast. Actually, maybe not on toast. I mean, doctors tell me I gotta be careful with complex carbs. Those Biden bowels aren't where they used to be. Let me tell you, there are problems with having a White House people who do not warn you about. There are problems, there are problems.

What was I saying? No idea. Seriously, Mr. President, aren't you too old to fight? Well, no, Maybe you're right. But you know what I can do? Um, threaten to fight until it's too late to find a suitable replacement, then send someone else to face the battering you deserve. Bingo!

You're listening to Nick Ferrari on LBC with my final show before I burrow away and hibernate. Now Kemi Badenoch's approval ratings are worse than her predecessors Sunak and Johnson at the start of their reigns. She joins me now. Miss Badenoch, is it fair to put this down to your apparent wooden persona? Alas, no. I have much to learn about the act of woodenness. My teacher says I am progressing well, but I am not a master yet. Well, who could possibly teach you about woodenness? Hello, I have some notes.

Theresa May? Kemmy, your opening line in this interview was extremely awkward. Well done. Now, we need to move on to the next stage by matching your verbal awkwardness with some truly ungainly moves. What do you suggest, oh master? I suggest you find some unfashionable old disco record and then dance to it off the beat. Not getting to hunch your shoulders like you've just been shot through the lungs. And moving your arms as if you're auditioning to be a robot on a 1950s

sci-fi movie. Like this. Good, very good. And get your team to have the scenery fall apart around you. I have anticipated your request. Watch that clock on the wall as it falls to the floor, displaying to all a metaphor that I am on borrowed time. Oh my god. I may not agree with all of your politics, Miss Badenock, but there is simply no denying you are a natural-born showwoman. Well, there you have it. Maybe it's all of us who are wrong. Thank you for joining us, Theresa.

Thank you, Nick. I haven't had so much fun in ages. In a world filled with death and despair, there is one group of British superheroes dedicated to upholding all that is good and decent. Sir Ian McAllen. Well, you have shown great bravery, young hobbits. Sir Patrick Stewart. You have shown the Klingons are metal, Mr. Riker. Dame Judi Dench. You have shown Spectrelingons our metal, Mr. Riker. Dame Judi Dench. You have shown Spectre we mean business, 007.

And Alan Bennett. You have shown milk barrel. Jammy Dodgers from Little. That's a coffee morning that'll go down in infamy. They are the National Treasures. The National Treasures have been summoned to their secret headquarters deep beneath Bafta in London. Why have you summoned us Dame Judy? I was in the middle of my one-man show, recreating all of Shakespeare's characters.

As we've all seen quite enough of your bottom ducky. Enough bickering you two. I've got some very sad news for you all. I'm leaving the national treasures. What? No, this cannot be. Cripes, you haven't turned up on one of Jeffrey Epstein's lists, have you? Certainly not.

The truth is I'm going to America. Donald Trump is making me head of the CIA. I know I only played the head of a secret spy organization in the Bond films, but that's good enough for that Orange half-wit. I will miss you all. Actually, you won't, Dame Judy. You see, I'm going to America too. Donald Trump is appointing me the head of his space force because I used to make it

show as a pretend captain of a pretend starship. And that's all the qualifications he requires. Well, I have to say, this is uncanny. I'm going to America too. Because, Treacles, Donald Trump has appointed me Secretary for Middle Earth. Or, as it's better known, Arizona. Snap! I'm going to America. Donald Trump has appointed me Secretary of State for whimsy.

I didn't know there was a US Department of whimsy. There isn't. He just heard of the word whimsy, so he set up a government department so he can find out what it means. But if we're all leaving, Britain will be completely without national treasures, which leaves a worrying opportunity for Giles Brandres and James Corden. Fear not, Dame Judy. Morgan Freeman? Britain will have its own new generation of national treasures.

As soon as Trump won, all of us American national treasures left America and we came right here. Well that's reassuring, but you'll have trouble finding a twee one that makes wry observations of life. Hello, I'm David Sedaris. I'm sorry I spoke. BBC Radio 4. And now it's time for The Archers. The everyday story of coercive control, alcoholism, car accidents, perjury, the British justice system, prison, and the occasional cow mooing.

Clarie, I'm home. Weirdest thing. I've just seen David, Ruth, Brian and Shula all driving at high speed out of the village. Oh Eddie, don't just stand there, get packing. I've cleared upstairs, Clary. Oh, Linda, what are you doing here? Why is everything in boxes? We have to leave Eddie, leave Ambridge now. Leave Am here? Why is everything in boxes? We have to leave, Eddie. Leave Ambridge now.

Leave Ambridge? Why? Well, because of the government's changes to inheritance tax. Inheritance tax? But that's not our problem. That's for Brian Aldridge and all those posh types on their big farms. Oh, Eddie, you poor, sweet, simple man. We're all a tax dodge. Eh? What is? The archers, eh?

The BBC needed somewhere to hide money from the taxman. And they came up with a simple story of everyday country folk. It's been a sweet 65-year-old avoidance scam and now it's over. Bloody Rachel Reeves. Who? Who'll have farms with just a tax dodge. Well, you didn't think the arches existed for its merit as a drama, did you? Oh, but hang on, where are we going?

To a farm on all creatures great and small on Channel 5. But that's set in the 1930s! Well, it's perfect! We'll have a whole hundred years getting the cows in before Rachel Reeves' nasty, spiteful tax grab hits us. Oh, but if we're time travelling, what about my ferrets? Great Scott! Just get in the DeLorean Eddie! Where we're going, we don't need ferrets. DARE DREAMERS Christina Riggs and Joe Topping. It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Hello and welcome to You Header here first.

Chris McCausland on BBC Radio 4. This is the show that asks our guests to live in an audio-only world. Where panellists use sound clues to work out what's going on. Guess how this dog's feeling. Ohhhhhhh. Constipated. Yeah, definitely. Step, what am I doing?

Is that a hand dryer? Is this the same dog? You heard her here first with me, Chris McCaulstoun. Why are you so familiar with that sound? From BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Sounds.